CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

resentment

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The Agony & The Ecstasy

The Agony & The Ecstasy
Posted by James Browning on January 16, 2013

parents-angry-sr5zhgPsychologically, triangles are very complicated. Most people don’t seek them out—at least not consciously. They just seem to happen. One moment you are happily single. The next thing you know you are in love with someone who is married. Or you are happily married and suddenly you realize your partner is seeing someone else. Sane people get out of a triangle as soon as they realize they are in one. Love addicts stay engaged hoping things will resolve themselves in time. This is because love addicts can’t let go. They have no tolerance for separation anxiety. Once they have bonded with someone, letting go is like death to them. One of the reasons love addicts have a high tolerance for the pain of a triangle is because when they were children the natural triangle between the mother, father and child, went horribly wrong. Furthermore some love addicts unconsciously try to resolve the wound of their childhood by recreating the triangle of their childhood—over and over again. They are obsessed with the idea that things will end differently each time. Unfortunately, this is not how you heal the wounds of childhood. You don’t go back to the scene of the crime and commit the crime all over again. You go back to the scene of the crime in therapy with an enlightened witness to guide you. You go back to grieve, forgive, let go and move on. Taken from “Triangles: The Agony & the Ecstasy” by Susan Peabody  http://loveaddicts.org/triangles.htm 

“The events of childhood do not pass, but repeat themselves like seasons of the year.” – Eleanor Farjeon

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Substitute For True Feelings

Substitute For True Feelings

One of the dangerous aspects of codependency is the fact that codependents will often substitute physical love for actual love — in other words, accepting sex as a substitute for true feelings. This can lead to undesirable sexual circumstances, when the desire for sex overcomes a person’s “judgment”, and all of the harmful effects of promiscuous sex begin to appear: STDs, unplanned pregnancy, feelings of rejection, etc. These ‘symptoms’ of codependency can push the codependent even further into their mental instability. Besides impact on their own lives, codependent people can negatively affect those around them, attempting to ‘control’ various aspects of their friends and loved one’s lives. A common belief among most people unaware of their codependence is that “other people are incapable of taking care of themselves”. This is a simple case of projection, whereby the codependents feelings about themselves are reflected onto their opinion of other people, perhaps so that they feel more normal. This feeling, however, leads to some truly harmful behavior, such as bullying people into thinking the way a codependent thinks they “should” feel. A codependent may constantly offer advice, even when it is unwanted, or give money and gifts to friends to win their approval. The fact is that the codependent feels he or she has to be “needed” in order to have a healthy relationship with another person. Codependency is a serious issue, affecting the mental health and well-being of everyone around codependent people, not just the individual themselves. By Will Roby from http://www.askdeb.com/love/codependent/

“There is no such thing as a good influence. Because to influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.” – Oscar Wilde

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Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 7/13: Silent is Never Golden When it Comes to Sexual Addiction

In this Saturday’s meeting we were blessed to hear the letter written below by Keith to his now deceased younger brother. I warn group members to be mindful of heir emotions and any emotional triggers they may experience after reading this letter.

By Keith D.

This is hard to write given the circumstances.  However, I need to write if only for myself.  I hope others who are struggling with sexual addiction and who are thinking that taking one’s own life is the only option dealing with sexual addiction.

You were nine years old and in fourth grade and I was a freshman in college when the family moved to Texas.  I don’t remember a lot about you growing up except you riding your plastic snoopy and being in cub scouts as I was busy playing sports and working.

I go to meetings where there is an empty chair in the middle of the room and we talk about “our problem”.  Up until this time, the chair has been nameless and faceless to me.  However, now this particular chair does have a new name and face.  His name is Steve.  He was a father, a brother, and good friend to many.  He had an infectious smile and laugh to go along with it.

Hearing of your death came to me as a total surprise.  I started asking questions like “why” and “how come?”  I knew there were a lot of questions that there were not answers for.  I often wondered over the years if the same terrible things happened to you as a child as they did me, that is, if our neighbor sexually abused you too.  I felt we were never close enough that you would answer me honestly so I did not ask.  From the outcome of your life (i.e. being registered as a sex offender) I can only assume so.

When it comes to sexual addiction, silence is never golden!  This disease thrives in secrecy.  The only way to overcome it is to expose it and take responsibility for one’s actions, to ask God to shed His light in every dark area, and confessing your sins and weaknesses to others so you may be healed!  Pride, shame and condemnation empower this disease and has kept you in shackles for years.  It is only through humility and the Power of Jesus Christ that breaks these chains and sets one free.  For who the Lord has set free is free indeed!  I have found this freedom and wish you were here to tell you about it.

I need to ask for your forgiveness because I was not courageous enough to stand up against evil.  I did not stand up against the evil and sick things our neighbor did to me and what he may have done to you as well.  We lived in a small town and my classmates were already calling a homosexual because of my deep friendship with another male classmate.  That does not excuse my actions.  Please forgive me for being silent.  I wanted to speak up but I just couldn’t muster the courage.

The bible talks a lot about relationships. It says that “friends love at all times, but brothers were born for adversity”.  This scripture has taken on a new meaning for me.  We were born in the same family and born for adversity.  However, we never lived in the potential and relationship that God has called us.

Secondly, it says that a three-strand cord is not easily broken.  We did not have deep conversations about the Lord until just three years ago at our niece’s high school graduation.  It was the first time we talked about things that mattered in life.  And after mom had passed just a few weeks later, it was you that rose up and said not to let our relationships go by the wayside.  I was proud of you for rising up.  That is what I should have been done as an older brother, protecting and looking after my siblings as our parents have passed. 

I also know that no man lives and dies to himself.  That in both your life and death you impacted so many people.  You enjoyed life no matter what the circumstances or so it seemed as it could be seen in your smile and laugh.  If only you could have seen all the people that filled the room and all the tears that were shed.  Although you were divorced, she still called you her husband and buried you wearing your wedding band.

I wish you could have seen how hard your sixteen year old son cried after the funeral.  I cried for him knowing that this was a path you chose.  It is not the only path though however.  I found a Gentle Path and something called “Rigorous Honesty” for people like us that can help us with “our problem” and bring us back to sanity.  I wish you could have heard the anger in your boss when he spoke at your funeral as he was the one who found your limp body hanging in the air.  I have found one the only one who needed to be hung once for all, the one who died for our sins and the one who died to set us free!

There are two paths one with this sickness and disease can take.  One path leads to death, confusion, heartache and a lot of questions.  This path offers a permanent solution to a temporary problem and situation. 

As I looked at your face, I can tell you are finally now at peace.  You are no longer being tormented by the demons of addictions in your life.  However, there is peace along the other path too despite of one’s circumstances.   It is the path where you find Jesus and can share His love and compassion with others who are struggling with the same issues.  He has told us that there will be many trials and tribulations, but we can have peace in spite of our circumstances.  In fact, we can rejoice because those who truly find Him find true peace as He has already won the battle over sin and death.

The other path, although may seem insurmountable and very difficult at times, is a path you take with others.  There may be many tears on this path, but at the end this path leads to life and the crown of life as those who choose this path are over-comers by the word of our testimony and the blood of the Lamb.  I wish you were here for me to tell you of this path.

I do not know why or how we chose the paths we did.  It could have very easily been me lying there in that room.  I do know that it is only by the grace and mercy of God himself that it was not. 

When I attend the meetings from this point on, the empty chair is no longer empty.  I wish that it still was.  However, my voice will no longer be silent.  Forgive me for being silent.  Your death will not be in vain.  Silence is never golden when it comes to sexual addiction!

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Feelings for Thursday

The post below was copied from a spouse of a sex addict.  In understanding our own addiction, we must also understand the pain and trauma we have caused our wives.

Feelings for Thursday
Posted by Samantha Baker on September 20, 2012

How I feel about myself looking back over 5 years:

Devalued
Emotionally Violated
Traumatized
Emotionally Abused
Unloved
Used
Could never meet expectations
Never good enough
Abandoned
Criticized
Broken Vows
Lied to
Detached
Betrayed
Disrespected
Vulnerable

My emotions now:

Emotional Pain
Hurt
Anger
Rage
Shame
Guilt
Turmoil
Fear
Numb
Empty
Isolated
Lonely
Confused
Obsessed
Lost
Broken Trust
Heartbroken
Depressed
Stuck
Constantly Triggered
No longer special

How do I feel about the future:

Unsure
Scared
Fear
Cautiously Hopeful
Meaningful
Emotional Intimacy
Honesty
Empathy
Understanding
Trust
Forgiveness
Communication

But the big question is, how to I get to the hope of the future and out of the pain of the now?

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Believe Her

Originally posted at http://shessomebodysdaughter.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/believe-her
April 19, 2013 · by

redsneakers

Would you know the signs to look for if you suspected that someone – a child – in your life was being sexually abused?

It has been our observation that perpetrators of child sexual abuse are often frequent users of pornography. And unfortunately, the victims too often suffer in silence.

It is our desire to speak truth and help raise awareness about this issue, to empower others to offer help, and so we put the above question out recently on our social media sites. Through those connections, a courageous college student, a sexual abuse survivor, answered us by writing the following article, and shares bits and pieces of her personal journey.

Please note that this is for raising awareness and informational purposes only. We strongly urge you to speak with a professional directly if you have any questions or concerns about sexual abuse (resources available here).

And so with that, we will let guest blogger Magali, share for herself:

When writing about the signs that would help create awareness on the topic of sexual abuse, it was hard to make a distinction between emotional and physical symptoms because they are so linked together.

This article is written from a female survivor’s point of view.

Sexual abuse is a wound that affects a girl wholly: psychologically, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It also affects the way we see sexuality and men.  The damage done runs deep and much time is needed to recover.

We are all different and every one of us react to things in different ways. The following are common signs one can take notice of in a girl who is a victim of sexual abuse.

When something, such as a sexual abuse, happens to anyone, it affects the body first: feelings of being defiled and dirty – the hardest thing is that your body has been attacked – and you cannot get rid of this. You cannot put this in a room somewhere and not think about it. What happened lives in your flesh.

The pain is often unbearable…and these signs and symptoms are simply ways to cope and/or to deal with that pain.

DISSOCIATION

A lot of people resort to dissociation, separating the body and the mind in order not to think about what happened in our bodies or feel the pain. For me, I hated what the person did to me and my body; I hated my body and so I started dissociating.  There was my physical body, which I didn’t want to think about, and there was me – a thinking, feeling being.

Dissociation is also a way to protect oneself of all the emotions too painful to feel. To make it simple, there was my body, my mind and my emotions  – all separate. I used to think of me as just a mind, I didn’t want to think of me as a woman, with a body. I didn’t want to think of me attracting boys or men.

mirrorGUILT SHAME AND DENIAL

After the abuse, a victim also feels a great deal of guilt and shame. We cannot believe it happened to us; we’re ashamed, we feel it happened because of something we did. The instinct is to hide it, but to keep going, pretending it never happened. That’s dangerous and leads to a lot of damage. You can keep it all bottled up inside for only so long and when it explodes to the surface, it comes back in full force, as if it had happened yesterday.

EATING DISORDERS

Eating disorders often stem from sexual abuse because of dissociation and the discomfort we feel towards our own bodies.

Eating disorders are only the symptoms revealing that a girl or young woman has a twisted perception of what her body is. She doesn’t want to see herself the way she really is…the way she was designed to be.

Eating disorders are linked with self loathing, guilt, shame – it’s a very complex disease. (visit ‘Tell Me What You See as a resource and for more information)

SELF HARMING

Some victims feel so much guilt and shame that they have to take it out on themselves. Self harming is not only cutting it can also be scratching, burning.

Advice: the girl may not always cut on her arms, she might cut somewhere so it will not be noticed.

SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND ADDICTION

Substance abuse can also be a way to deal with the pain and often leads to a drug addiction.

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS

Post traumatic stress is hard to describe precisely for each person, but often nightmares, panic attacks, unwanted memories and flashbacks haunt us as victims. Post traumatic stress is not rational  – it’s basically how our emotions choose to express themselves.

I remember having panic attacks in a class managed by a man, he had done nothing wrong or inappropriate, but just the idea of sitting down in his class was unbearable. It’s not a rational thing; yet the emotions are so strong and just as hard to navigate.

lonely-girlTHE NEED TO FEEL SAFE

A victim of abuse will feel the need for protection, a need to protect herself. She will build up walls, physically and emotionally.

Physically:

1. She might change the way she dresses, to prevent boys or men to be attracted to her.

2. She might not want to sit close to a man or a boy. Being on a bus or a subway is still a nightmare for me.

Emotionally:

1. She will distance herself and not let anyone get close to her. I was always in control,  choosing what I would say, what I would do in front of people. I would lie through my teeth swearing up and down that I was okay when asked; please don’t take it personally when we lie…we lie to ourselves first and foremost.

2. If the girl has friends who are boys, she might have a difficult time being around them.

UNEASINESS TALKING ABOUT SEXUALITY

Obviously, they will be uncomfortable with the topic of sexuality and the topic of dating, relationship with men/women. Our minds associate sexuality with the abuse even if it couldn’t be farther from the truth and anything that isn’t safe is out of the question.

ATTACHMENT TO CHILD BEHAVIOUR

After abuse, I didn’t want to think of myself as a woman so I was semi-consciously reverting back to acting like a child, sleeping with a teddy bear…

DEPRESSION

This looks like having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings, not wanting to make plans with anyone, wanting to stay in all the time, an overall sadness, not smiling, not laughing, shutting yourself off.

MOOD SWINGS

MY ADVICE IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO WAS OR IS BEING ABUSED:

  • Please be patient. Considering the amount of trauma she’s been through, she will not open up easily.
  • Tell her you love her and that it’s going to be okay. Assure her that you are going to be there for her no matter what!
  • If she says she was abused, believe her; you don’t need to know every single detail!
  • Help her find a safe place, a counselor she can talk to
  • Allow her to recover in her own time – don’t rush it and don’t force her to talk

paintingTHE RECOVERY PROCESS

Let those trained to deal with sexual trauma and abuse do their work. I understand it can be hard for families or friends to be kept out of the process, but it’s necessary.

Be happy and encouraged that she found someone safe to talk to, even if it’s not you.

ON THE TOPIC OF FORGIVENESS

Be really careful with the topic of forgiveness: don’t push it or rush it! Just hearing the word made my insides scream! I remember hearing about it at church, and at the time it took all I had in me not to explode and run out of there.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

  • encourage her
  • tell her you are praying for her
  • support her when she talks to you
  • you can also help her find an outlet for letting all the emotions out; if she’s a creative person: painting, drawing, writing, singing, or if she’s more active: find a sport

It is our hope, along with Magali’s, that by publishing this information we all will have a new awareness of those around us who might be suffering in silence, and be willing to offer help and hope.

♥ Thank you, Magali, for sharing so openly and honestly – and so courageously! ♥