anonymous sex partners

June 16, 2019 By Castimonia

The God Who Stoops… And Stands

“Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ — ‘No, Lord,’ she said. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.'” (John 8:10-11 NLT)

Condemnation – the preferred commodity of Satan. He will repeat the adulterous woman scenario as often as you permit him to do so, marching you through the city streets and dragging your name through the mud. He pushes you into the center of the crowd and megaphones your sin:

This person was caught in the act of immorality … stupidity … dishonesty … irresponsibility.

But he will not have the last word. Jesus has acted on your behalf.

He stooped. Low enough to sleep in a manger, work in a carpentry shop, sleep in a fishing boat. Low enough to rub shoulders with crooks and lepers. Low enough to be spat upon, slapped, nailed, and speared. Low. Low enough to be buried.

And then he stood. Up from the slab of death. Upright in Joseph’s tomb and right in Satan’s face. Tall. High. He stood up for the woman and silenced her accusers, and he does the same for you.

He “is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us” (Rom. 8:34 MSG). Let this sink in for a moment. In the presence of God, in defiance of Satan, Jesus Christ rises to your defense. He takes on the role of a priest. “Since we have a great priest over God’s house, let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience” (Heb. 10:21–22 NCV).

A clean conscience. A clean record. A clean heart. Free from accusation. Free from condemnation. Not just for our past mistakes but also for our future ones.

“Since he will live forever, he will always be there to remind God that he has paid for [our] sins with his blood” (Heb. 7:25 TLB). Christ offers unending intercession on your behalf.

Jesus trumps the devil’s guilt with words of GRACE.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Next Door Savior.

June 12, 2019 By Castimonia

Why did God allow Solomon to have 1,000 wives and concubines?

Originally posted at: https://altruistico.wordpress.com/2017/05/16/why-did-god-allow-solomon-to-have-1000-wives-and-concubines/

First Kings 11:3 states that Solomon “had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines.” Obviously, God “allowed” Solomon to have these wives, but allowance is not the same as approval. Solomon’s marital decisions were in direct violation of God’s Law, and there were consequences.

Solomon started out well early in his life, listening to the counsel of his father, David, as recorded in 1 Kings 2:2-3, “Be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go.” Solomon’s early humility is shown in 1 Kings 3:5-9 when he requests wisdom from the Lord. Wisdom is applied knowledge; it helps us make decisions that honor the Lord and agree with the Scriptures. Solomon’s book of Proverbs is filled with practical counsel on how to follow the Lord. Solomon also wrote the Song of Solomon, which presents a beautiful picture of what God intends marriage to be. So, King Solomon knew what was right, even if he didn’t always follow the right path.

Over time, Solomon forgot his own counsel and the wisdom of Scripture. God had given clear instructions for anyone who would be king: no amassing of horses, no multiplying of wives, and no accumulating of silver and gold (Deuteronomy 17:14-20). These commands were designed to prevent the king from trusting in military might, following foreign gods, and relying on wealth instead of on God. Any survey of Solomon’s life will show that he broke all three of these divine prohibitions!

Thus, Solomon’s taking of many wives and concubines was in direct violation of God’s Word. Just as God had predicted, “As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God” (1 Kings 11:4). To please his wives, Solomon even got involved in sacrificing to Milcom (or Molech), a god that required “detestable” acts to be performed (1 Kings 11:7-8).

God allowed Solomon to make the choice to disobey, but Solomon’s choice brought inevitable consequences. “So the Lord said to Solomon, ‘Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates’” (1 Kings 11:11). God showed mercy to Solomon for David’s sake (verse 12), but Solomon’s kingdom was eventually divided. Another chastisement upon Solomon was war with the Edomites and Aramians (verses 14-25).

Solomon was not a puppet king. God did not force him to do what was right. Rather, God laid out His will, blessed Solomon with wisdom, and expected the king to obey. In his later years, Solomon chose to disobey, and he was held accountable for his decisions.

It is instructive that, toward the end of Solomon’s life, God used him to write one more book, which we find in the Bible. The book of Ecclesiastes gives us “the rest of the story.” Solomon throughout the book tells us everything he tried in order to find fulfillment apart from God in this world, or “under the sun.” This is his own testimony: “I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired . . . a harem as well–the delights of the heart of man” (Ecclesiastes 2:8). But his harem did not bring happiness. Instead, “Everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun” (verse 11). At the conclusion of Ecclesiastes, we find wise counsel: “Here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man” (12:13).”

It is never God’s will that anyone sin, but He does allow us to make our own choices. The story of Solomon is a powerful lesson for us that it does not pay to disobey. It is not enough to start well; we must seek God’s grace to finish well, too. Life without God is a dead-end street. Solomon thought that having 1,000 wives and concubines would provide happiness, but whatever pleasure he derived was not worth the price he paid. As a wiser Solomon said, “God will bring every deed into judgment” (Ecclesiastes 12:14).

May 31, 2019 By Castimonia

Spilling It All May Be More Harmful Than Not

By Marie Woods, LMFT, CSAT, Primary Therapist, Gentle Path at the MeadowsIn light of some of the recent public disclosures of millions of individuals’ personal indiscretions online, one question many people may be asking is, “Would I really want to know?”

Based on the overwhelming amount of media coverage, it seems that people do want to know—although, of course, most would prefer that there isn’t anything to know, and that their partner doesn’t have any secrets or unknown sexual behaviors.

What if your partner actually does have secrets, though? How much would you really like to know?

At Gentle Path at the Meadows, we are flooded with questions from addicts and their partners about this. Addicts ask how much detail they should share, and partners often don’t know whether having all the details would be helpful or harmful.

The idea that a partner should know everything may seem obvious, but considering the depth of betrayal that accompanies sex addiction, the answer is not necessarily that clear. On the one hand, a partner needs to know the truth in order to make an informed decision about how to move forward with his or her life and the relationship. On the other hand, knowing all of the details can sometimes create more traumas for partners rather than assist in their healing.

Five Ways to Uncover the Truth and Begin Healing

Here are some of the guidelines that we use in helping addicts and partners share the truth while promoting healing:

1. Share information in the presence of professionals.
In the initial stages of recovery, most couples are too volatile to process the discovery together. Couples should make their best effort to seek professional guidance before “dumping” information on to their partner. The disclosure sessions can include the addict sharing their behaviors as well as the partner sharing their anger and frustration. A professional therapist can create a safe container for information to be appropriately shared.

2. Avoid disclosing new information without consulting with a therapist first.
As times goes on, more and more questions develop for both the addict and the partner, and the answers to these questions can be complex. When both individuals are so emotionally volatile (and often exhausted) having a therapist to navigate the situation alongside the couple can be helpful.

3. Recognize that knowing all of the details will not justify the behavior.
Addiction involves irrational behavior. The decisions that were made in the midst of active addiction do not make sense in a rational state of mind. It is likely that even when the partner has all of the details, it still will not make sense. Rather than focusing on the details, partners should focus instead on leaning into their feelings and taking care of themselves.

4. Focus on themes rather than specifics.
Partners have a right to know the nature of the addict’s behavior in an effort to ensure their physical and emotional safety. This includes things like the potential for sexually transmitted diseases, anything that may have occurred in the home with knowledge of the family, or financial impact. This does not typically include things like names, graphic details of pornography or sexual acts, or specific places where acting out may have occurred. Those details create a mental picture in the partner’s mind that cannot be erased, and could continue to leave them feeling unnecessary pain.

5. Recognize that this is a slow process.
It is human nature to want to avoid pain and guilt. Partners want to stop feeling pain as quickly as they can; Addicts want to get out of their guilt and shame as quickly as they can. People often want to skip over this part of the healing, but it is essential. Partners will need to move through the stages of grief, including anger and pain, in order to heal. Addicts will need to experience healthy levels of guilt and shame to get into recovery. So while it may seem easier to “get it all out on the table” right now, true growth and change is an evolving process.

Get the Support You Need

So, as a partner, before you go digging for more information to help you understand “why they would do this,” and, as an addict, before you decide that “if I just tell them everything then I won’t feel so bad, and they will feel better” – think again. If you are the partner of an addict, find some support: someone who, initially, can just hear you vent. Take a step back, knowing that you are taking care of yourself by not exposing yourself to more pain at a time when you are already struggling. If you are an addict, know that you will need to share and accept appropriate accountability for your behaviors when you are in a mature place with healthy remorse. To prevent any further hurt and pain, it is essential to do this in a very measured way, as described above. The ultimate goal of this process is honesty and healing.

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May 23, 2019 By Castimonia

Some Men Can’t Stop Exposing Themselves Online

Roughly one-third of all men arrested for sexual offenses in the U.S. were caught engaging in exhibitionism, which generally involves exposing one’s genitals to a non-consenting stranger. Many psychologists and sex addiction experts today believe that the internet presents an overwhelming temptation to act on impulses and can escalate exhibitionism. Additionally, the increasing popularity of taking exhibitionism to the online world has almost normalized the behavior. This may, in fact, be a factor in the case of former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, who resigned from office in 2011 after multiple sexting scandals became public and made the news again recently when he checked himself into a treatment center for sex addiction.

In Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Gentle Path at The Meadows’ clinical architect Dr. Patrick Carnes describes exhibitionism as a Level Two addictive behavior. Level Two behaviors are considered intrusive enough to warrant legal action. Often the risk and potential consequences of exhibitionism play a role in the addictive process.

However, the internet has significantly reduced the legal and personal risks of exposing and exhibitionism. It almost seems commonplace these days for people to send nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves via text messages or messaging apps. Online video technologies and new social media platforms like Periscope and Facebook Live allow people to broadcast provocative images of themselves in real time from the safety of their own homes.

People who use dating apps and websites like Tinder or Match.com often complain of being sent these types of images without having consented or having asked for them. Not all people who engage in these behaviors are exhibitionists and/or sex addicts. But, some exhibitionists do like the “thrill” of exposing themselves in this way to people who did not consent to see the images and are shocked or disgusted by them.

Of course, although people are more likely to avoid consequences for this behavior in online environments, it is not completely risk-free, as Anthony Weiner’s example has shown us. What goes out into cyberspace stays in cyberspace, and nothing there is truly “private.” Weiner lost his career and his marriage because he either could not or would not stop. And, for every Anthony Weiner, there are many other men struggling with the same compulsions and experiencing similarly catastrophic consequences. In some cases, they are also victimizing others, especially when the person on the receiving end of their photos, videos, or explicit messages are underage, or did not expect nor consent to sexually explicit communication.

Why Some People Can’t Stop Sexting

If there’s anything that the dawn of social media has taught us, it’s that most people have exhibitionist traits—think selfies! We all sometimes crave attention and validation. The internet and the seemingly ever-increasing options we have available for online communication—social media, text messaging, video chatting—offer endless possibilities for such feedback.

For men who struggle with exhibitionism as part of a larger problem with sex addiction, however, these needs can be much more pronounced, and much more problematic.

So, what drives the exhibitionist to such extremes? According to Dr. Carnes, part of the problem lies in a distortion of courtship. Again, from Out of the Shadows:

“To look and be looked at are normal parts of adult courtship. To show “yours” to people who do not wish to see it…means that the person has eroticized a part of courtship that leaves other aspects of intimacy and sexuality underdeveloped. It is about how the person was damaged growing up.

The excitement of illicit victimization is rooted in the addicts’ anger about that hurt. Breaking the rules is a way to retaliate for hurts, real and imagined. The anger stems from a set of beliefs, family messages, and self-judgments the addicts use to interpret the world. Most addicts do not connect their behavior with anger. The excitement and arousal of the trance block the feelings, along with the rest of the pain.

The greater the anger and pain, the more excitement is required to block it. This dynamic is the key to understanding how escalation works within the addictive process. If the current behavior within the addictive cycle is no longer supplying the excitement necessary to block the pain, something with greater risk is attempted.”

All in all, addiction to exhibitionism is similar to any other process or substance addiction. It becomes a way to numb oneself from feeling the pain from their emotional wounds, and a substitute for real intimacy and connection—something the addict both longs for and fears.

Exhibitionism in Not a Victimless Crime

Being the target of by an exhibitionist, either online or in the outside world, can be very damaging and frightening. Most exhibitionists carry around the image of a person they know they have hurt. However, the addict often underestimates the danger their addiction presents both to others and to themselves.

Exhibitionists often lead double lives. They may live in constant fear that their identity will uncovered and their secrets revealed. They may also judge themselves with the same harsh criticism—weird, nuisance, irredeemable perverts. But, most can change their behaviors with the right treatment.,p> Men who take the time to face their pain and trauma, and take responsibility for their actions can heal and can stop the behaviors that are so damaging to the people they act out upon, their loved ones, and themselves. We see it happening every day at Gentle Path at The Meadows.

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May 1, 2019 By Castimonia

Men of the Bible – Samson

His name means: “Little Sun”

His work: To deliver Israel from the Philistines. His character: Samson’s erotic attachments to foreign women eventually led to his death. A man of mythic strength, he was inwardly weak, given to anger and unfaithful to his Nazirite vows. His prayers as well as his actions against the Philistines seem to have been motivated by the desire for personal vengeance. His sorrow: To have been blinded and imprisoned by his lifelong enemies. His triumph: To have killed more Philistines by his death than he had while living. Key Scriptures: Judges 13-16

A Look at the Man

One of the first Bible stories children hear is the story of Samson, the man who defeated his enemies with a superhuman feat of strength. But it is such an unsavory story that we find ourselves leaving out certain details, for example, Samson’s boasting, his visits to prostitutes, or his murderous rage. Even the man’s prayers were selfish, focused as they were on his own desire for revenge rather than on God’s glory.

Why would God, knowing the future, choose such a person to play such a role, even sending an angel to announce his birth? The question is not easily answered. But it is certainly true that Samson would have been a better man had he paid attention to the call God had placed on his life. Instead, he seems to have squandered the promise of his life by living it in a self-centered, self-directed way.

Ironically, the pattern of his life formed a vivid picture of Israel’s own unfaithfulness during a period when it seemed incapable of resisting the allurement of foreign gods. And so the people God had set apart and called his own, the nation he intended to build up and make strong, grew progressively weaker in the land he had promised.

Samson’s story reminds us of God’s faithfulness, of his ability to deliver his people regardless of the circumstances and despite their sins. It also reminds us of what can happen when we allow ourselves to become attached to things and people, however enticing, that might end in our own self-destruction.

Reflect On: Judges 16:23–31 Praise God: For his sovereignty. Offer Thanks: For God’s strength working within you. Confess: Any promises you have made to God and not kept. Ask God: To make you a person who is strong on the inside.