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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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“Codependency, the True Ball and Chain.”

“Codependency, the True Ball and Chain.” First, what really is codependency?  If you Google codependency you get the following definition:

noun: codependency; noun: co-dependency

  1. excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

How does a relationship go from healthy to codependent? Like all things that are unhealthy, it starts small.

Many of you might remember the Julia Robert’s movie, “Runaway Bride.”  In the movie, Julia Robert’s character is  asked by the reporter, played by Richard Gere, how she likes her eggs.  As the storyline progresses it is clear she has no idea how she likes her eggs.  In each of her previous relationships she ate her eggs exactly as her husband-to-be enjoyed THEIR eggs.

This is a Hollywood example, but it rings true, a relationship that is healthy is made up of two people, with unifying goals, not two people who stay together out of fear, low self esteem, caretaking responsibilities, addiction, etc..

Julia Robert’s character went from one relationship to the next because she was scared to pursue her own dreams, and found it easier to morph into the woman each man wanted her to be. People in codependent relationships experience a lot of dissatisfaction and anxiety because their relationship doesn’t bring joy, it is a constant tightrope of fear and bargaining.

A person married to an addict might stay because they fear that without them, the person they love might overdose, the addict stays because they feel guilty about what they are doing but can’t or won’t stop.

A few questions to ask yourself:

  1. Are you with your partner because you want to be, or because you feel stuck?

  2. Are you or your partner engaging in healthy behaviors or do you stay out of fear or pity because of addictions?

  3. Is staying in this relationship negatively affecting your mental or physical health?

If you feel that you are part of a codependent relationship, being on the site is a great step in the right direction, it is your chance to branch out from your partner, to find support, to give yourself a break and reassess.  Find your own interests and passions; find you again.  Of course this doesn’t erase the core issues that drove you to create this codependent relationship, but it will give you the space for clarity and in that space you have the ability to make changes.

All the best-
SupportGroups.com

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Responding to Relapse: Dealing With the Shame

originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-dealing-shame/

August 24, 2016 by

im was introduced earlier this week in Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions. His wife of eight years, Rachael, had been shocked to discover he’d been regularly viewing Internet porn for about two months. In all their years together, he had seemed like an upright Christian man with strong morals. After Jim had started meeting with their pastor, Paul, he’d stopped viewing Internet porn. So, Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and dismayed all over again when they learned Jim had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase pornographic material in print, instead!

Suppose, however, that Jim reports incredible shame over his behavior at this point. Suppose Jim’s experience epitomizes the definition of shame suggested by Ed Welch: Shame is “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did … You feel exposed and humiliated.”1 What kind of hope is there for someone like Jim?

Shame can facilitate or frustrate sinners’ progress

Although relapses into sinful behavior can provoke a sense of shame in people, depending on the mind-set of a person, the impact of the shame can be very different. Notice from the definition above that shame results from a global self-evaluation by a person. Shame is not a limited assessment of specific behaviors; it is a holistic assessment about one’s overall personhood. The totality of its scope makes it difficult to bear—and to change. However, central to dealing with shame is identifying the standard that was used as the basis for evaluation.

Shame might facilitate spiritual growth

Although shame is not pleasant to experience, it can be a prod for spiritual growth. In the Bible, shame can be a sign of a properly functioning conscience. If the conscience is not functioning properly, people can ignore and violate God’s law with little or no remorse. In these cases, feelings of guilt and shame are dulled or diminished. Jeremiah describes this condition with graphic clarity:

10prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.

11They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.

“Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.

12Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. (Jer. 8:10b–12a, emphasis added)

In Jeremiah’s situation, what made the priests’ and prophets’ conduct detestable was its deviation from God’s will. They had convinced themselves that their false message of peace was true and acceptable! The priests’ and prophets’ retrained consciences did not register the shame they should have experienced that could have curtailed their false teaching.

Jim’s conscience is registering his sin, and so it would appear that his shame is appropriate. Pastor Paul could capitalize on this and guide Jim further in his spiritual development to move beyond this sin. (See my article Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions for suggestions on how this could be done.)

Shame might frustrate sinners’ growth

There is another possible direction Jim’s shame might go, however. Suppose Jim returns to his pastor’s office two months after their counseling had helped him regain sexual purity and their conversation runs like this:

“Hi Jim! It’s good to see you. What can I do for you today?”

“Paul, I’m struggling again.”

“Jim, have you gotten back into porn?”

“No, not really. I mean, I do sometimes remember those images, but I haven’t gone looking for new ones. But, I just can’t believe how much I’ve hurt Rachael.”

“Has she brought this up in a recent conversation?”

“No, she hasn’t. But what kind of man must I be to have done this to her? I wasn’t raised to think any of this is acceptable. Five—ten—years ago, I never imagined I’d do this sort of thing.”

In this scenario, Jim feels defiled or stained by his past sin all over again. If left unchecked, this shame will frustrate his spiritual growth. Assuming Pastor Paul had walked him through what the Bible teaches regarding God’s readiness to forgive our sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross, what else can be said to help Jim? Here is a tactic Jim’s pastor might use with him.

Defiling shame is cleansed by the blood of Jesus

Pastor Paul might help Jim see there is a subtle pride at work. Jim always had considered himself above this type of sin. Now that he knows he is not, his image of himself is shattered. This has produced a nagging sense of uncertainty for him. But Jim must learn to rest in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice for his cleansing.2 No one can ask for anything more, because God says nothing more is needed. “For by one sacrifice he [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Heb. 10:14; see also Heb. 9:14).

A good illustration of this sufficient cleansing power is found in the Apostle Paul’s experience. Like Jim, Paul—as Saul, the Pharisee—thought of himself in positive terms, which he rehearses in Philippians 3:5–6: “Circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” He expands on his zeal for persecuting the church in Galatians 1:13: “I persecuted the church of God [whom he thought he was serving!] and tried to destroy it.” Then, his encounter with the risen Christ forced him to see how wrong and self-deceived he was.

Later in his life he recounted again what he had been like as a non-Christian, yet in even more unflattering terms: “I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man” (1 Tim. 1:13). Recognizing this, Paul was overwhelmed with how God blessed him through Jesus (see v. 14). Here is the bottom line for Jim: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.3 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (vv. 15–16 ESV, emphasis added).

Jim can be reminded that if the Apostle Paul could be cleansed and be used by God as he was, then Jim has no reason to view himself any differently. In fact, Jim should find himself echoing the exuberant praise of the Apostle: “Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (v. 17). His Lord deserves nothing less, because Jim deserved nothing more.4

Dr. Jeff Forrey
Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).

Footnotes:
  1. Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012), Kindle edition, chap.
  2. Our redemption can be described by different terms because of its varied effects on us. If Pastor Paul emphasized the element of “forgiveness” (a legal term) in the past, then Jim might benefit from thinking about another element, “cleansing,” which is especially pertinent for dealing with shame, which is readily described as “feeling dirty or defiled.”
  3. Foremost, or the KJV’s chief of sinners, most effectively conveys the idea that Paul saw himself as especially deserving of God’s wrath, not because his sins were any worse than others, but because he led the charge in trying to undo what God was doing through Christ. He was the “foremost” because he was “at the front of the line,” so to speak.
  4. Pastor Paul also could point Jim to the woman at the well in John 4. Or he might point Jim to the one time prostitute, Rahab, mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. These women’s experiences should reinforce for Jim: “Where sin increased”—even sexual sin, even Jim’s sexual sin—“God’s grace increased all the more” (Rom. 5:20).

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What Society Thinks of Sex Addicts…

What Society thinks of Sex Addicts:

 

 

What God thinks of Sex Addicts:

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What does the Bible mean that we are not to judge others?

Originally posted at: https://altruistico.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/what-does-the-bible-mean-that-we-are-not-to-judge-others/

by altruistico

Jesus’ command not to judge others could be the most widely quoted of His sayings, even though it is almost invariably quoted in complete disregard of its context. Here is Jesus’ statement: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). Many people use this verse in an attempt to silence their critics, interpreting Jesus’ meaning as “You don’t have the right to tell me I’m wrong.” Taken in isolation, Jesus’ command “Do not judge” does indeed seem to preclude all negative assessments. However, there is much more to the passage than those three words.

The Bible’s command that we not judge others does not mean we cannot show discernment. Immediately after Jesus says, “Do not judge,” He says, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs” (Matthew 7:6). A little later in the same sermon, He says, “Watch out for false prophets. . . . By their fruit you will recognize them” (verses 15–16). How are we to discern who are the “dogs” and “pigs” and “false prophets” unless we have the ability to make a judgment call on doctrines and deeds? Jesus is giving us permission to tell right from wrong.

Also, the Bible’s command that we not judge others does not mean all actions are equally moral or that truth is relative. The Bible clearly teaches that truth is objective, eternal, and inseparable from God’s character. Anything that contradicts the truth is a lie—but, of course, to call something a “lie” is to pass judgment. To call adultery or murder a sin is likewise to pass judgment—but it’s also to agree with God. When Jesus said not to judge others, He did not mean that no one can identify sin for what it is, based on God’s definition of sin.

And the Bible’s command that we not judge others does not mean there should be no mechanism for dealing with sin. The Bible has a whole book entitled Judges. The judges in the Old Testament were raised up by God Himself (Judges 2:18). The modern judicial system, including its judges, is a necessary part of society. In saying, “Do not judge,” Jesus was not saying, “Anything goes.”

Elsewhere, Jesus gives a direct command to judge: “Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly” (John 7:24). Here we have a clue as to the right type of judgment versus the wrong type. Taking this verse and some others, we can put together a description of the sinful type of judgment:

Superficial judgment is wrong. Passing judgment on someone based solely on appearances is sinful (John 7:24). It is foolish to jump to conclusions before investigating the facts (Proverbs 18:13). Simon the Pharisee passed judgment on a woman based on her appearance and reputation, but he could not see that the woman had been forgiven; Simon thus drew Jesus’ rebuke for his unrighteous judgment (Luke 7:36–50).

Hypocritical judgment is wrong. Jesus’ command not to judge others in Matthew 7:1 is preceded by comparisons to hypocrites (Matthew 6:2, 5, 16) and followed by a warning against hypocrisy (Matthew 7:3–5). When we point out the sin of others while we ourselves commit the same sin, we condemn ourselves (Romans 2:1).

Harsh, unforgiving judgment is wrong. We are “always to be gentle toward everyone” (Titus 3:2). It is the merciful who will be shown mercy (Matthew 5:7), and, as Jesus warned, “In the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:2).

Self-righteous judgment is wrong. We are called to humility, and “God opposes the proud” (James 4:6). The Pharisee in Jesus’ parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector was confident in his own righteousness and from that proud position judged the publican; however, God sees the heart and refused to forgive the Pharisee’s sin (Luke 18:9–14).

Untrue judgment is wrong. The Bible clearly forbids bearing false witness (Proverbs 19:5). “Slander no one” (Titus 3:2).

Christians are often accused of “judging” or intolerance when they speak out against sin. But opposing sin is not wrong. Holding aloft the standard of righteousness naturally defines unrighteousness and draws the slings and arrows of those who choose sin over godliness. John the Baptist incurred the ire of Herodias when he spoke out against her adultery with Herod (Mark 6:18–19). She eventually silenced John, but she could not silence the truth (Isaiah 40:8).

Believers are warned against judging others unfairly or unrighteously, but Jesus commends “right judgment” (John 7:24, ESV). We are to be discerning (Colossians 1:9; 1 Thessalonians 5:21). We are to preach the whole counsel of God, including the Bible’s teaching on sin (Acts 20:27; 2 Timothy 4:2). We are to gently confront erring brothers or sisters in Christ (Galatians 6:1). We are to practice church discipline (Matthew 18:15–17). We are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

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Toddler Tears

by jrmybennett

Last night I went to another meeting last night. It was a much more of an intimate venue and more comfortable setting. During the meeting everyone was sharing stories of their past. I decided it was time I shared a bit about myself. As I began to relate my story of my addiction, how I have let everyone I love down, how I don’t remember who I am anymore, how I hate the person I see in the mirror I began to cry….

This wasn’t a manly single tear down the face cry but a full on snot bubbling sob. I was crying like a three year old who had just dropped their popsicle in the sand. It felt good to let all that emotion go in a room full of strangers, to feel unencumbered by people’s preconceived notions. While I was speaking a rough looking man got up and left the room, I assumed I had sickened him with my display. He had declined to speak earlier but when he returned he addressed me directly and began to cry himself. He said he remembered what it was like to be in my shoes. How I had taken the first steps and recovery is possible. I hope to god he’s right.

I start “real” counseling on the 29th. I can’t wait and I’m ready to do this once and for all. I pray that the ones I have hurt and betrayed the most someday forgive me. I know I have a long road ahead of me but every journey begins with a single step.