Posts Tagged ‘anonymous sex partners’


Turning my life over to God was something I thought I did a long time ago. It’s the combination of turning my life AND will over to God that I missed…and am struggling with now.


Proverbs 9:8 –“Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”

What is your normal reaction when conflict occurs in a new relationship? Are you comfortable addressing the issue? Or, do you stuff the issue out of fear or a desire to preserve the peace? Honesty is the best policy for two important reasons:

  1. Being honest helps resolve the hurt or the conflict.
  2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a satisfactory relationship is possible.

If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t, then you are building a relationship based on a false sense of security and closeness. And it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. A lot is lost in not finding out who the other person is and where the relationship could really go, if one or both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.

Second, you need to find out if the person you are with is capable of dealing with conflict and hurt directly. The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out, sooner rather than later, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to. If you get serious with someone who cannot take feedback about hurt or conflict, then you are headed for a lifetime of aloneness, resentment, and perhaps even abuse.

Proverbs puts it well about a person who cannot take confrontation: “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). “A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise” (Proverbs 15:12).

Whether you’re dating someone, starting a new friendship, or building a business alliance, you need to know if you are in a relationship with someone who is going to be defensive when you bring up hurt or conflict, or if you are with someone who is going to be able to listen, learn, and respond. If you do not deal with conflict early on, and the relationship gets serious, then you have bought yourself a world of trouble.

Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and the foolish. But being honest is totally up to you. You cannot control what the other person does. However, you can decide what kind of person you are going to be. As a result, you will also be deciding what kind of person you are going to be with.

Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2014 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.


Almost every person I have met in recovery has mentioned to me that they dreaded the same exact thing when working the 12 steps. Step nine. “We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Yep, that Step nine. Facing the fallout is what I call it. That is how it has felt to me throughout these last several months of recovery and working through the steps with my sponsor. How on earth am I going to be able to make amends to everyone I hurt?

In step eight, I made a list of all those I had harmed and became willing to make amends. The steps are in order for a reason. Amazing how sanctification works. Webster’s dictionary defines sanctification as “the state of growing in divine grace as a result of Christian commitment.” Note it says the state of growing, not of instantly becoming. I hate that part of the definition. I would prefer it to happen instantly. Growing means over a long time period. A continuous act of becoming more mature. Not what I wanted to hear.

As I continue this journey down the path of sanctification, patience and trust have been two areas of growth in my life. I have struggled with these areas before and after recovery. In my life before recovery, I didn’t trust God and therefore didn’t have patience to wait for Him to work in my life. As I work through the 12 steps and in my recovery, daily I am learning to lean into God with my life and my will. That also means stepping into His timing as well. Which for me means practicing an immense amount of patience. And that brings me to step nine.

We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. – Step Nine.

Amends. According to Miriam-Webster, amends is “to compensate for a loss or injury.”  I wouldn’t have been ready for this a month ago, or two months ago or when I entered recovery. I thought I would never be ready for this. I was like many other people I know in recovery. I was afraid of this step. Afraid to face the people that I had harmed in my addiction. Those that I had disregarded in my descent into self destruction and selfishness. My wife, my kids, my mother in law, my friends and family. All those that I had lied to, damaged from my selfishness and manipulation. I did not think I would ever be at a point where I was ready to face them with rigorous honesty, seeking to make amends for the damage I had caused them.

Yet…here I am. I have a list. I have prayed over it. I have divided those on my list in three groups. Group one has only one name…my wife. Her amends is special and only for her. Group two are those I will meet with face to face, those that I believe I can talk to without causing them or my wife or children any further damage. Group three are those I can’t make direct amends with, those that seeing would further injure them or cause my wife and children damage.

So now its time to make amends.


https://applyingmybeliefs.wordpress.com/2015/05/19/relapse-for-the-codependent/

by applyingmybeliefs

Relapse for an addict is relatively easy to understand.  It is a reversion to the old coping mechanisms such as drinking, drugging, or otherwise acting out.  This reversion is usually preceded by some form of negative mental state, painful emotions, or difficulty in a life situation.

Relapse for a codependent is the same.  They experience a hard time in life, a negative thought life or emotional pain, and they start to act out.  However their acting out looks somewhat different to an alcoholic or drug addict, because they revert back to behaviors that are sometimes difficult to spot.  They re-indulge in controlling others and neglecting their own needs for example.

For a codependent that lives with an addict, the relapse of their addict is highly likely to trigger a relapse.  Both partners are then caught in a spiral downward.  This is one reason that it is smart for addicts and codependents to both be part of a larger recovery group or program.

We have already said that it is hard for a person, let alone the codependent, to see when they are slipping back into their old ways.  How can a codependent identify when this might be happening?  Here is a list of “I” statements that are helpful in becoming aware of a slide that is in place; or one that is coming.

  • I’ve started saying bad things again about my partner behind their back.
  • I’ve stopped giving my partner the benefit of the doubt.
  • I’ve lost interest in doing the things I know make my partner happy.
  • I’ve stopped hugging my partner goodbye in the morning.
  • I’ve stopped using my recovery tools.
  • I’ve stopped feeling grateful for my partner.
  • I’ve gone back to indifference in my attitude to my partner.
  • I’ve become rude toward my partner.
  • I’ve reverted back to trying to control everything my partner does.
  • I’ve stopped taking care of myself.
  • I’ve started to break promises I made to my partner.

If a codependent finds themselves in agreement with say 3 or more of these statements an orange warning light ought to go off in their head, 7 or more ought to result in a trip back to the therapist.

This kind of list, if honestly worked through on a frequent basis, can help a codependent identify when something is going wrong.  The list is a tool, it is a “symptom identifier”, a way of discovering that something is happening inside that is not easily seen.  It uses affirmative answers to ask the question, “Am I being triggered toward a relapse by something?”

As a topic today, let’s talk about our own emotional relapses as codependents and answer the question, “What else can a codependent do to protect themselves from going back to their self-centered and relationship destructive ways?”

 


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Intimacy means more than I imagine. All of the definitions are difficult to achieve!


https://www.createspace.com/6471391

I am humbled to announce the  publishing of our ministry’s second book:

CASTIMONIA
Battle Plan
Weapons & Armor in the Fight for Sexual Purity

 

Authored by Servants of Christ
Edition: First Edition

Castimonia is Latin for “moral purity” something every man should strive for.

Castimonia is a Christ-centered 12-Step Support and Recovery program for sexual impurity or sexual addiction with the goal to achieve a Biblically-based sexual purity. We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other so that we may achieve sexual purity and help others overcome sexual impurity or compulsive sexual behaviors.

This book is used for helping men in the Castimonia program fight for their sexual purity with various weapons (proactive tools) and armor (reactive tools). The copyright to this book belongs to Armaturam, LLC and all material in this book is being used by permission of the copyright holder.  

Many thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous for paving the way in the 12-Step world as well as the countless men in recovery and the therapists that have helped facilitate God’s healing of their wounds.  Most importantly, thank you to the patient spouses who have put up with our issues long enough to make this ministry and book possible.

Original Publication Date: March 30, 2017

5″ x 8″ (12.7 x 20.32 cm)
Black & White on Cream paper
136 pages
ISBN-13: 978-1536886634
ISBN-10: 1536886637
Related Categories: Self-Help / Twelve-Step Programs

The book can be purchased at any Castimonia meeting  or via the Create Space store. 

If you are a man struggling with Sexual Purity and would like to purchase a copy of the book for the same amount as sold at Castimonia meetings ($12) please contact the publisher, Armaturam, LLC for a discount rate: Jorge@Armaturam.org

https://www.createspace.com/6471391