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The Two Types of Liars

Colossians 3:9–10 – “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”

The ability to build a healthy relationship is based on the degree to which you are able to be clear and honest about everything, especially in a dating situation. Sometimes, people will deceive each other about the nature of other people in their lives. They may act like someone is “just a friend,” when in reality there is more of a history or more in the present than is being said.

For example, I (Dr. Cloud) was working with a man named Frank who was trying to figure out his relationship with the woman he was dating. He had a funny feeling that something was wrong. It seemed that she was just a little too connected to her work. Frank had no problem with her loving her job, but there was something strange about her relationship with her boss. He did not think that she was dating him, or having any kind of illicit thing going on with him. But, he still got a funny feeling about her work and her connection with her boss.

Finally, Frank found out that his girlfriend had once been engaged to her boss. And, there was still some sort of continuing tie between them. But, as far as he had known, it was strictly a work relationship. Instead, she had been lying to him.

Frank felt horribly deceived, and from there the relationship went downhill. It did not falter because she worked with a former boyfriend, but because she had not been clear about the nature of her former relationship with her boss. Frank could sense some sort of tie that she was not owning up to. Later, when some other issues came up where she had not been clear with him, the relationship died. If she had not been deceptive about the former boyfriend, the later issues would not have been a big deal. But, once a pattern of lying starts, trust is difficult to reestablish.

Why do people lie, and how can you set appropriate boundaries? In our opinion, there are really two categories of liars.

First, there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, cannot quite pull it off. They fear the other person’s anger or loss of love.

Second, there are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

You will have to ask yourself if you want to take the risk and do the work if you are with the first type. There are people in the first category who have never had a relationship where they felt safe enough to be honest, and they tend to still be hiding. So, they lie to preserve love, or preserve the relationship, or avoid being caught in something because of guilt or shame. They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth. This is a risk that some people want to take after finding out that deception has occurred. They hope that the person will be redeemed by the grace and love that they offer and will shoot straight with them from then on.

While we would not automatically recommend continuing a dating relationship with this kind of person, sometimes there is a good outcome. So, we do not want to make a rigid rule. But, our feeling is that dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. Rehabilitation should occur in that person’s counseling, recovery, discipleship, or some other context. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage. Just because the person is lying out of fear does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason.

Spend your time and heart on honest people. It is often too risky, from our perspective, to get involved with the fearful liar. If the person gets better and comes back repentant, that is one thing. But, you should not think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. There are some people who do this on occasion and confess it, and probably can be trusted over the long haul. But, patterns of this type are problematic. Whatever you decide to do, whether you stick in there or not, make sure that you do not go further until the lying issue is forever and certainly in the past. Remember the words of the wise instructor: Do not go on to other issues until the lying is solved.

The second kind of liar is a definite no-go. Tell him or her good-bye and save yourself a lot of heartache. Perpetual liars are not ready for a relationship, no matter how much you are attracted to him or her. Run, run, run!

A footnote: After Frank ended the relationship with his girlfriend, she soon was back with her former boyfriend. I told my client I thought he was lucky to have escaped her.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Dating, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Can Faith Really Move Mountains?

Originally posted at: https://altruistico.wordpress.com/2016/10/01/can-faith-really-move-mountains/

by altruistico

  In order to correctly interpret a passage such as Matthew 17:20, we first look at the overall context of the passage. Jesus, along with Peter, James and John, had just come down from the “mount of transfiguration,” and they encounter a man with a demon-possessed child. The man tells Jesus that he brought his son to Jesus’ disciples, but they couldn’t cast the demon out (recall that Jesus earlier, in Matthew 10:1, gave His disciples the authority to cast out evil spirits). Jesus then chastises them for their lack of faith and then casts the demon out of the boy. When His disciples inquire as to why the demon didn’t obey their command, Jesus replies with the statement in Matthew 17:20. Their faith, He says, is small and weak. If it were the size of even the smallest of the seeds, the mustard bush, they would be able to “move mountains.”

The first thing that needs to be considered is the Bible’s use of literary techniques. The Bible is first and foremost God’s revealed Word; we want to be clear on this point (2 Timothy 3:16). While the Bible is God’s revealed Word, it is revealed to us by way of language. God condescended—He lowered Himself—to speak to us in ways in which we would understand. Consider a father trying to communicate with his young child. The father has to condescend in order to be understood by the limited intellect and understanding of the child. This is analogous (though not identical) to the way in which God speaks to us.

The Bible employs many forms, or genres, of literature. There is historical narrative, poetry, prophecy, apocalyptic writing, and epistolary literature (to name a few). Among these various literary genres, several literary techniques are used—metaphor, simile, imagery, parable, allusion, irony, personification, paradox, and hyperbole. As readers of the Bible, we must recognize when these techniques are being used so we can properly interpret the meaning. For example, in John 10:7, Jesus says, “I am the door of the sheep.” How are we to interpret this verse? If we are too literal, we might start looking for a doorknob hidden somewhere on His body. However, if we understand this to be a metaphor, then we can begin to understand His meaning (Jesus is the way of access to eternal life, much like a door is the way of access into a room).

Another thing to consider in biblical interpretation is the context of the passage. More often than not, when we take a single verse out of its native context, we end up misinterpreting the verse. In the context of Matthew 17, Jesus rebukes the disciples for their weak faith and says that even if they had mustard seed-sized faith, they could command the mountain to move. Contextually, the mountain must refer to the demon that was afflicting the man’s son. Jesus tells His disciples that, if their faith was stronger, they could have commanded the demon to leave the boy, and it would be so. This was clearly the case in Matthew 10 when Jesus sent them out to cure diseases, cast out demons, and spread the gospel. Therefore, it is clear from the context that Jesus does not intend to assert that mustard seed-sized faith can literally move mountains. Rather, the expression Jesus uses was a common colloquialism of that day; to a Jew of Jesus’ day, a mountain is a metaphor signifying a seemingly impossible task.

Faith that can move mountains is not meant to imply a faith that can literally move literal mountains. The point Jesus was making is that even a little bit of faith—faith the size of a tiny mustard seed—can overcome mountainous obstacles in our lives.

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Faithful & True Men’s Conference in Houston!

Led by Faithful & True Ministries, which was founded by Dr. Mark Laaser, this Conference for Men Intensive Workshop is one of the the most effective and affordable workshops in the country. The Workshop is a three-day event of teaching and small group interaction with Dr. Greg Miller who is a Christian leader in the field of sexual addiction.
Conference participation is given the utmost confidentiality. Our facility will be closed to all except the conference participants.
The focus of the workshop is to teach men practical steps to acquire sexual purity and also to help them understand the root causes of their sexual acting out. Our vision is that the workshop will support men to grow emotionally and spiritually. We believe it is only in a relationship with God that any of us can truly heal. The workshop format includes a mixture of lecture, group discussion, individual reflection time and assignments. Additional leaders also participate in our workshop sessions by leading our small group breakout sessions.
I have participated in this conference as well in Minnesota, and I can testify that participants will leave with insight that is accomplished in 6-8 months of Christian Counseling. It is an amazing opportunity to have here in the Houston Area!
I would love for you to let anyone and everyone  know whom you think this will benefit. This is open to all Adult men who have made choices in the area of sexuality that are causing chaos and pain and are unable to stop on their own.
This is a life changing opportunity taught by some of the nations leading Christian experts in the field of Sexual Addiction. Feel free to pass this information graphic on anywhere! Participants can register at www.theharbor.life/revive

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I Walk the Line

Originally posted at: https://livingonquicksandblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/01/i-walk-the-line

I am walking a fine line between vigilance and the road to Crazy Town.

Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful brings a whole lot of hurt down on your head.  Strangely, discovering that he has done this because he has an addiction helps in some ways.  You learn that it wasn’t about you.  You come to understand that powerful forces were driving the behavior. You realize that a long list of anonymous women is somehow less threatening than one “special” someone in whom he might have invested more emotional currency.

In other ways, though, the addiction makes the situation much worse.  For one thing, the probability that he will slip one or more times before achieving total recovery is very high.  And that is assuming that he is even serious about recovery. Rob has said that several of the men in his 12 step group have said they are there because their wives made them come and will divorce them if they don’t attend.  If I were their wives I would want them to be saying things like “I’m here because I want to heal”.  I think real recovery has to be about you and what you want.  But these men are in the group and who am I to question their motives.

For Rob’s part he is saying the right things and taking the right actions.  He has now “come out” to two sets of friends, and three family members.  He is attending his meetings regularly and has suggested a cell phone tracking app so that I know where he is (or at least where his cell phone is – because I am very aware that there is a difference). He is journaling on a semi-regular basis and is considering re-writing his 12 steps to make them more meaningful to him.  In short, he appears to be doing the work.

The problem with a sex addiction is that it is, by nature, a secretive and furtive disease. The only way to know if recovery is happening is to look for subtle clues and behaviour changes.  Addicts are master manipulators though, and in Rob’s case he has been fooling people for 40+ years.  How do I know all of these actions are not part of a snow-job to lull me back into a false sense of security?

And this brings me to the point of this post (ah, I bet you thought I would never get there). I don’t think I am any different from any spouse of a recovering sex addict in wondering how closely I should be watching him.

I have always felt privacy is important.  I think it is inherently wrong to go through anyone’s wallets, or text messages or open their mail, track their financial activity or secretly videotape their activities.  I have always believed a wife who does these things is a nutbar. Yet in recent weeks I have gone through Rob’s wallet, checked his text messages and checked the search history on his tablet. I check his location through our Life360 app compulsively through the day, then worry myself sick about why he went to a particular location for 6 minutes. I have even had a free consultation with a very nice young private investigator though I have never followed up with him. I have even caught myself lying in bed wondering where the best location would be to install a hidden camera to see what goes on while I am away. There is scarcely an hour that goes by where I don’t worry that something bad is going to happen unless I stay on top of things.  A friend I have met in a support group refers to this as monitoring. I’m just not sure how much monitoring is desirable to keep me aware and safe, and how much is crazy, compulsive behaviour.

I am fully aware that no amount of “monitoring” will keep Rob from “acting out” (I hate that phrase but I’m going with it any way).  In this age of computers and tablets and cell phones he will always find a way if he wants to re-offend.  I know that he can leave his cell phone at his office and go anywhere he wants and I won’t know.  Or he might have a different cell phone specifically for this sort of activity.  I can get e-mail passwords, but he may well have other accounts of which I am unaware.  There are whole technologies designed to help cheaters avoid getting caught.  I can’t watch it all. Only Rob can keep Rob from acting out.

At the same time I feel I need to have some sort of awareness of what he is doing.  Sad to say, but his word is worth almost nothing at this point.  I have heard too many proclamations of innocence over the years to believe what he says. The only evidence of change is what I can see and I can’t see if I don’t look.

I don’t want to be his mother and check up on him all the time. I don’t want to spend my precious golden years skulking around reading his text messages.  I don’t want to spend my retirement savings on a private detective.  I also don’t want to contract HIV or a venereal disease because I trusted too much or kept my head in the sand. I don’t want to be hurt by another round of betrayal. I am walking a fine line between vigilance and the road to Crazy Town.

And so I waver back and forth.  If I snoop I feel sick because I am becoming the kind of woman I abhor.  If I don’t snoop I feel like I am being a naive fool. If I snoop I am afraid I will find something and have to confront him about it.  If I don’t snoop I feel like I will be taken advantage of. Through it all I am in a state of constant hyper vigilance that is exhausting.

I know that recovery will have occurred when I can honestly say that I can be happy with or without his recovery.  Right now I am struggling with how to get there.

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What does the Holy Spirit do?

by altruistico

The Bible is quite clear that the Holy Spirit is active in our world. The book of Acts, which sometimes goes by the longer title of “The Acts of the Apostles,” could just as accurately be called “The Acts of the Holy Spirit through the Apostles.” After the apostolic age, there have been some changes—the Spirit does not inspire further Scripture, for example—but He continues to do His work in the world.

First, the Holy Spirit does many things in the lives of believers. He is the believers’ Helper (John 14:26). He indwells believers and seals them until the day of redemption—this indicates that the Holy Spirit’s presence in the believer is irreversible. He guards and guarantees the salvation of the ones He indwells (Ephesians 1:13; 4:30). The Holy Spirit assists believers in prayer (Jude 1:20) and “intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” (Romans 8:26–27).

The Holy Spirit regenerates and renews the believer (Titus 3:5). At the moment of salvation, the Spirit baptizes the believer into the Body of Christ (Romans 6:3). Believers receive the new birth by the power of the Spirit (John 3:5–8). The Spirit comforts believers with fellowship and joy as they go through a hostile world (1 Thessalonians 1:6; 2 Corinthians 13:14). The Spirit, in His mighty power, fills believers with “all joy and peace” as they trust the Lord, causing believers to “overflow with hope” (Romans 15:13).

Sanctification is another work of the Holy Spirit in the life of a believer. The Spirit sets Himself against the desires of the flesh and leads the believer into righteousness (Galatians 5:16–18). The works of the flesh become less evident, and the fruit of the Spirit becomes more evident (Galatians 5:19–26). Believers are commanded to “be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18), which means they are to yield themselves to the Spirit’s full control.

The Holy Spirit is also a gift-giver. “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them” (1 Corinthians 12:4). The spiritual gifts that believers possess are given by the Holy Spirit as He determines in His wisdom (verse 11)

The Holy Spirit also does work among unbelievers. Jesus promised that He would send the Holy Spirit to “convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8, ESV). The Spirit testifies of Christ (John 15:26), pointing people to the Lord. Currently, the Holy Spirit is also restraining sin and combatting “the secret power of lawlessness” in the world. This action keeps the rise of the Antichrist at bay (2 Thessalonians 2:6–10).

The Holy Spirit has one other important role, and that is to give believers wisdom by which we can understand God. “The Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God” (1 Corinthians 2:10–11). Since we have been given the amazing gift of God’s Spirit inside ourselves, we can comprehend the thoughts of God, as revealed in the Scripture. The Spirit helps us understand. This is wisdom from God, rather than wisdom from man. No amount of human knowledge can ever replace the Holy Spirit’s teaching (1 Corinthians 2:12–13).