Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
Just one more week before we open registration to the general recovery community!
If you’re part of the Castimonia family and have been thinking about attending, now is the time to make your plans. We look forward to another incredible weekend of Christ-centered recovery, fellowship, and growth.
We can’t wait to see what God has in store for this year’s retreat.
originally posted at: https://fightthenewdrug.org/from-hardcore-porn-to-cp/
“Having a compulsive porn habit, I used drugs to get an increased high whilst viewing hardcore porn and my tastes changed over time…which led me to my arrest.”
It might surprise you to know, I am a sex offender. My crime was downloading indecent images of children on the internet, for which I was arrested, and it’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, but my story starts long before I progressed to that kind of content.
I was 15 when I had my first taste of internet porn. This was back in the day of the dial-up modem. I’m 33 now, and my life panned out like a lot of others who became hooked on easy-to-access pornography. Having a PC in my bedroom from 16 years old didn’t help, and that’s when I started collecting porn. All legal “vanilla” porn back then.
I grew up through most of my adult life-consuming porn, yet my sex life in the physical world was woefully inadequate, and I was always painfully shy around girls. I did have a relationship once for 5 years, but it’s been over 10 years since I’ve experienced real intimacy. I realize now that my habits around the consumption of porn, instead of improving my sex life, actually helped build a wall between me and intimacy.
Related: This Heartbreaking Speech Blake Lively Gave on Child Sexual Exploitation is a Must Watch (VIDEO)
Moving on to after I finished University, I had some trauma to deal with regarding the loss of my mother to cancer and my grandfather the year after that. It was a difficult time, and I chose the wrong way of dealing with it. I gave in to the temptation of cocaine and still had a compulsive porn habit, I used the drugs to get an increased high whilst viewing it, and my tastes changed over time to more extreme content… which led me to my inevitable arrest.
Today I am over 2 years sober from alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, and porn! Thanks to the 12 steps and the help of other recovering addicts, I intend to stay that way.
I’ve spent a lot of time doing research about the effects of pornography, and I knew this was the foundation of my problem when I started to understand the model of desensitization, the accessibility, affordability, and anonymity factors and reading about other people’s experiences, I realized that I had a problem with online porn.
I felt at odds with people who called me a pedophile because, to put it bluntly, I find women attractive, and that’s always been my primary focus when thinking about relationships. I started to read accounts from other people who claimed they had an attraction to underage people, and I also found that I didn’t agree with their views either. To me, they just sounded like excuses to continue thinking sick thoughts, like the addict who is in denial and can’t see the wood for the trees.
The thing that helped me most was learning and understanding, getting my emotions back after experiencing sobriety, and realizing that I did have empathy and I am human after all. It’s that empathy now which makes me feel like people need to be educated about the dangers of porn because, time and time again, it has been shown to encourage criminal behavior and add to the weight of mental health problems.
Related: Parents—If You Don’t Teach Your Kids About Sex, Porn Sites Will
I never had a “talk” about porn growing up, and my parents always neatly avoided the subject with me, so my education about sex, love, and intimacy was garnered from porn and the abusive narratives that go along with it.
Thank you for the work you do, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind Regards,
–A.
Porn is a habit that escalates, and it can often be an obsession that evolves way beyond anything the consumer could anticipate.
Let’s look at the data. Like any potentially addictive substance, porn triggers the release of dopamine into a part of the brain called the reward center (a.k.a. reward pathway or system). [1] Basically, the reward center’s job is to make you feel good whenever you do something healthy, like eating a great meal, having sex, or getting a good workout. [2] The “high” you get makes you want to repeat the behavior again and again. [3] Your brain is hardwired to motivate you to do things that will improve your health and chance of survival. [4] Simple.
Related: Police Arrest Man For Using Neighbor’s WiFi To Distribute Over 33,000 Child Porn Images
Well, actually, not quite so simple. Researchers have recently discovered that the reward center is actually two different brain systems, a “Liking” system and a “Wanting” system, that work in different—sometimes opposite—ways. [5] Understanding how they work helps explain why porn can be habit-forming and why consuming porn is often an escalating behavior.
Porn is an escalating behavior because as some consumers develop tolerance, the porn that used to excite them starts to seem boring. [6] Predictably, they often try to compensate by spending more time with porn and/or seeking out more hardcore material in an effort to regain the excitement they used to feel. [7] Many porn consumers find themes of aggression, violence, and increasingly “edgy” acts creeping into their porn habits and fantasies. [8] And this is how some consumers end up in illegal territory.
Dr. Julie Newberry is a psychologist who has worked with patients who have stories like the one above. In an article for PsychReg, she writes: “My therapeutic experience is that a person who views child abuse images, though committing a sexual offense, is not necessarily a pedophile. A pedophile has a primary sexual interest in children. I suggest that for some people, it is porn addiction rather than pedophilia, which is the cause. A person, usually a man, who has no sexual interest in children can find himself ‘crossing the line’.”
Related: Understanding the Growing Problem of Child Sexual Exploitation Material
She continues on to describe her experience, saying, “[My clients] didn’t go onto the internet with the intention of looking at child abuse images, but nevertheless ended up there. They couldn’t understand why they continued to do something that disgusted them and which they knew was illegal. I suggest that each of them became desensitized to mild porn and sensitized to extreme porn. Their higher thinking brain, compromised by addiction, could not win the battle, even when it came to viewing child abuse images. Porn sex was too powerful a need and withdrawal too difficult.”
Related: How Child Sexual Exploitation & the Adult Entertainment Industry Are Linked
While not every porn consumer will end up turning to illegal content, many do. This is why we raise awareness that porn is anything but harmless, personal entertainment. In too many cases, the porn consumer ends up becoming consumed by their porn.
Forgiveness in marriage is wild, dangerous, and wonderful. It is like no other relationship. A marriage entered into before God, in particular, has dynamics, ideas, and resources hidden that few utilize. I would like to share the concept of Covenantal Forgiveness (CF). It is a paradigm by Sauerheber and Ponton (2017) of handling infidelity. Infidelity does not simply mean extramarital sex, but any breach of trust in marriage. This approach takes the God-ordained variable seriously and the Church’s view that marriage is a sacrament. The gravity of the marriage covenant is neither meant to shame wrongdoings nor to intimidate the one hoping for forgiveness, but rather to provide strength for the couple to draw from. I will continue to discuss forgiveness in marriage, but I want to briefly mention that Jesus does allow for divorce as a legitimate option for sexual immorality (Mt 5:32). Scripture assumes the couple has mutually consented to fight for the marriage.
Forgiveness vs Covenantal Forgiveness
For a discussion of forgiveness for a prominent scholar, see McCullough et. al., who define forgiveness as “a motivational transformation that inclines people to inhibit relationship-destructive responses and to behave constructively toward someone who has behaved destructively toward them”(1997). This is a clinical way of asserting that the offended partner will be kind to the partner who wronged them. See Everett Worthington for more on the topic of forgiveness. The goal here is to articulate the difference between CF and forgiveness, and then to describe the 6 stages of CF. The three main differences between forgiveness and CF lie in orientation, service, and volition.
Orientation
Forgiveness, in psychological literature, is inwardly focused on how the offended partner feels, but CF is oriented around the repair and goal of the covenantal relationship, with God’s help. In other words, the offended seeks to mirror Christ and His Church interpersonal peace, and seeks to reflect the abiding love that God has toward the church. The couple will, therefore, seek to repair the relationship. So, the 6 stages of covenantal forgiveness are more centered around the orientation of the relationship and upholding the covenant than the couple’s feelings.
Service
CF, as opposed to forgiveness, is, by definition, done in the service of the relationship. The content of the vows expected that both partners would forgive and be forgiven for the sake of the relationship. It is the nature of the relationship to seek to grow closer to one another. “Forgiveness is not a transaction, but rather an intentional, enduring encounter within the covenant relationship”. In other words, the covenant itself is an agent of change in the hearts of each partner, for they serve the relationship, not just themselves.
Volition
CF is volitional because forgiveness in marriage is freely chosen, not just at the time of cognitive forgiveness, but also at the altar, when a couple says, “I do”. Forgiveness, then, is keeping a promise that was made, not just to the partner, but to the community and before God. For the Christian, forgiveness was the choice that the couple willfully made when they entered into the marriage, and continues to be a choice that they get to make to uphold their sides of the covenant.
Five Stages of Covenantal Forgiveness
There are 6 parts to covenantal forgiveness in a Christian marriage. The speed at which one passes through each stage depends on the trust, vulnerability, and regulation of each of the partners, and the level of severity of the infidelity. The authors, however, did not mention an estimated pace. The 6 stages of forgiveness are recognition, confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption.
Recognition
Recognition is an articulation of both parties on the incongruence between what has been done and what aligns, or doesn’t align, with the covenant. The incongruence may not simply be the event(s) that are the cause for repentance, but may have existed before and may still persist. It is important, especially for the offending party, to vulnerably point out their own shortcomings.
Confession
Now that the sin is recognized, a confession of the relationship is the next step. I understand Sauerherbert and Ponton to mean an older form of confession, which is to articulate ‘’’. It is similar to the Church’s recitation of a liturgy or belief. Here, the couple is to “acknowledge the meaning of their covenant and their belief in its value in their lives” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). It is an assurance in front of both parties that they affirm and believe in the commitment to the relationship. This confession lays the groundwork for genuine repentance.
Repentance
Repentance is a 180-degree turn from the incongruence between the ideal marriage relationship and the offender’s actions, and an acknowledgement of the destruction that the behavior caused. If acting out is the problem, then repentance means more outer circle activity and an acknowledgement of her pain and the distrust that it’s caused. Repentance is not typically a one-and-done act, but is a “process that cannot be rushed” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). However, once the couple has cleared the debris through recognition and has laid the foundation of confession and repentance, then forgiveness can be built.
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the arduous task of choosing to relate, feel, and think towards the offending party as though he or she had never done it. There are, of course, boundaries that may need to be put in place for both parties’ safety, but it is a gift freely given and, according to the authors, sometimes not owed, as in the case of infidelity. I may argue that forgiveness is required (Jn 20:23; Mt 6:12), but perhaps reconciliation is not. For example, Jesus does allow for divorce for sexual immorality, but both parties must forgive in their heart. The point here is to begin to mend the relationship, and over time, forgiveness on the part of the offended helps the offender see themself as beloved.
Reconciliation
Reconciliation is returning, not simply to normal, but a return to that point of mutual delight and lifegiving intimacy, for marriage, at its best, is a reflection of Christ’s patient love for the Church and the Trinity’s delight in one another. Practically, reconciliation requires a commitment to shared activities, honest communication, and the covenant. Coming to a place of vibrancy in marriage may seem like a faraway place, but there is a further place of glory in store called redemption.
Redemption
Redemption is the hope of a better tomorrow. “Covenantal forgiveness suggests that the partners and the marital bond will not only survive the infidelity, but will, through the graces of work and prayer, be transformed in a positive way by the experience.” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). In other words, damage done can be used for good in the relationship (Gen 50:20). The marriage is meant to reflect Christ and the Church, which was a story of distance and redemption.
Conclusion
I realize that I am writing to those who are addicted to unwanted and compulsive sexual behavior, of whom I am one, and who are usually the perpetrators of infidelity, so why do I share about forgiveness? My aim here is to share a forgiveness road map, of sorts, to inspire hope, encouragement, and inspiration for the journey. Married believers among us have the benefit of Christ; His example of the love toward the Church, and His presence with us, which I know from experience isn’t always the first thought when confronted with the tumult of anger and anxiety, but take heart, for the Church has been reconciled to Him (2 Cor 5:18-19) and serves as an example.
Take what you like and leave the rest,
Simeon A.
Most people today struggle with living freely in the sexual area of their lives. Statistics regarding sexual addiction are staggering and heartbreaking. This video contains the testimony of how one man found freedom in the area of sexual purity. This presentation is also relevant for female strugglers. Take a look. You’ll be glad you did.
The one thing David had promised he would never do was ruin his marriage. But when his addiction to sex and pornography hijacked his self-control, he found himself doing just that. David thought maybe he could simply get over his addiction without help from anyone. That is when he learned that confession is the first and vital step to recovery.
Step 1 – Honesty: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
