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Wrestle with God

All of us at one time or another come face-to-face with our past. And it’s always an awkward encounter. When our sins catch up with us we can do one of two things: run or wrestle.

Many choose to run. They brush it off with a shrug of rationalization. “I was a victim of circumstances.” Or, “It was his fault.” Or, “There are many who do worse things.” The problem with this escape is that it’s no escape at all. It’s only a shallow camouflage. No matter how many layers of makeup you put over a black eye, underneath it is still black. And down deep it still hurts.

Jacob finally figured that out. As a result, his example is one worthy of imitation. The best way to deal with our past is to hitch up our pants, roll up our sleeves, and face it head-on. No more buck-passing or scapegoating. No more glossing over or covering up. No more games. We need a confrontation with our Master.

We, too, should cross the creek alone and struggle with God over ourselves. We, too, should stand eyeball to eyeball with him and be reminded that left alone we fail. We, too, should unmask our stained hearts and grimy souls and be honest with the one who knows our most secret sins.

The result could be refreshing. We know it was for Jacob. After his encounter with God, Jacob was a new man. He crossed the river in the dawn of a new day and faced Esau with newfound courage.

Each step he took, however, was a painful one. His stiff hip was a reminder of the lesson he had learned at Jabbok: shady dealings bring pain. Mark it down: play today and tomorrow you’ll pay.

And for you who wonder if you’ve played too long to change, take courage from Jacob’s legacy. No man is too bad for God. To transform a riverboat gambler into a man of faith would be no easy task. But for God, it was all in a night’s work.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Next Door Savior.

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Guardrails

Known to us in Recovery as “Boundaries” but as an engineer, I can relate to guardrails.

Originally posted at: https://manliveup.wordpress.com/2016/10/26/guardrails/

by LiveUP1

A guardrail is a system to keep vehicles from straying into dangerous or off limit areas.  We’re glad they’re there if we need them but for the most part, we don’t pay attention to them.  For the most part, they are not actually located in the most dangerous part of the road.  The point is – to keep you away from the actual point of danger.  You’ll do less damage if you hit the guardrail than you would if you hit what was on the other side of the guardrail.

The truth is, your greatest regrets relationally, financially, morally and ethically could have been avoided if you had had some guardrails present in your life.

Our definition – A guardrail is a personal standard of behavior that becomes a matter of conscience.  “A matter of conscience” meaning, that I am so committed to my principles that if I violate them, it bothers my conscience.  I feel guilty.  It is my personal standard of behavior that informs my behavior.  This is a personal decision you need to make.  Where is the line?

Ephesians 5 is addressing the question of “How do I live in a culture that doesn’t reward faithfulness?  That doesn’t reward integrity?”

5:15-16 “Be very careful, then, how you live (walk).  Not as unwise (careless) but as wise making the most of every opportunity.”

It’s saying “Make the most of your time.  Redeem your time.  Being very intentional with your time.  Because the days are evil.”  In other words, if you’re not careful, there will be a price to pay.  Because you live in a dangerous time, you’ve got to be careful with how you walk.

5:17 “Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is”.  What Paul is saying is “I want you to face up to, to accept, to embrace what you know in your heart is God’s will for your life.  Stop deceiving yourself.” 

All of us have the tendency to play it as close to the edge as possible.  We dance on the edge of chaos.  “How close to sin can I get without it being sin?  Where is the line?”  Quit flirting with disaster.  Quit messing around.  You’re playing with fire.  He gives an example using drunkenness to make his point but it applies to lust, to greed, to material things…

5:18 “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery”.  Debauchery = extreme indulgence that leads to a loss of control.  Loss of control is the key.  Drunkenness is a guardrail.  It is what is on the other side of drunkenness that Paul is warning you about.

Lust, greed, alcohol, anger, food, money, material possessions – anything that leads to a loss of control, anything that baits you into things you don’t need to be involved in … that’s where the danger is.  That you’d get yourself so torqued up that you lose sight.  That you get so obsessed with that new car that you’ll buy it being willing to jeopardize your kid’s college savings.  That’s a loss of control.  And it will cost you.

Anything that baits you to the point of you losing control, your heavenly Father is against.  Because on the other side of that … is disaster.  Any area of your life where you tend to hand control over to someone/something else is where you will need a guardrail.

Paul is saying, “Don’t get drunk.  It’s foolish.  Be careful because the days in which you live are evil.  Drunk leads to a loss of control.  Loss of control is a sin.  It leads to disaster.”

“Instead, be filled with the Spirit”.  God wants to be the primary influence in your life.  The Holy Spirit indwells the believer.  He will prompt you, nudge you, guide you, direct you.  The Spirit doesn’t yell.  He doesn’t scream.  He usually clears his throat.  It is a still, small voice in your conscience.  We know.  We know.  We know what’s the right thing.  Quit fooling around.  Pay attention.  Be careful.

This talk might have nudged you.  Maybe there is an arena where you’re getting closer and closer and you get so full of lust, you lose self-control.  What would it look like if you backed up to a safe distance and put a guardrail in place that maybe no one else would understand but it might just save your marriage?

No one has ever regretted establishing a guardrail but plenty of people regret not having had one in their lives.  Guardrails are wisdom.  You know where your boundaries should be and you know the cost if you cross them.  “What’s the wise thing to do?” Guard yourself.  Guard your heart.  Guard your eyes.  Don’t take foolish risks.  Be wise!

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The Two Types of Liars

Colossians 3:9–10 – “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”

The ability to build a healthy relationship is based on the degree to which you are able to be clear and honest about everything, especially in a dating situation. Sometimes, people will deceive each other about the nature of other people in their lives. They may act like someone is “just a friend,” when in reality there is more of a history or more in the present than is being said.

For example, I (Dr. Cloud) was working with a man named Frank who was trying to figure out his relationship with the woman he was dating. He had a funny feeling that something was wrong. It seemed that she was just a little too connected to her work. Frank had no problem with her loving her job, but there was something strange about her relationship with her boss. He did not think that she was dating him, or having any kind of illicit thing going on with him. But, he still got a funny feeling about her work and her connection with her boss.

Finally, Frank found out that his girlfriend had once been engaged to her boss. And, there was still some sort of continuing tie between them. But, as far as he had known, it was strictly a work relationship. Instead, she had been lying to him.

Frank felt horribly deceived, and from there the relationship went downhill. It did not falter because she worked with a former boyfriend, but because she had not been clear about the nature of her former relationship with her boss. Frank could sense some sort of tie that she was not owning up to. Later, when some other issues came up where she had not been clear with him, the relationship died. If she had not been deceptive about the former boyfriend, the later issues would not have been a big deal. But, once a pattern of lying starts, trust is difficult to reestablish.

Why do people lie, and how can you set appropriate boundaries? In our opinion, there are really two categories of liars.

First, there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, cannot quite pull it off. They fear the other person’s anger or loss of love.

Second, there are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

You will have to ask yourself if you want to take the risk and do the work if you are with the first type. There are people in the first category who have never had a relationship where they felt safe enough to be honest, and they tend to still be hiding. So, they lie to preserve love, or preserve the relationship, or avoid being caught in something because of guilt or shame. They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth. This is a risk that some people want to take after finding out that deception has occurred. They hope that the person will be redeemed by the grace and love that they offer and will shoot straight with them from then on.

While we would not automatically recommend continuing a dating relationship with this kind of person, sometimes there is a good outcome. So, we do not want to make a rigid rule. But, our feeling is that dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. Rehabilitation should occur in that person’s counseling, recovery, discipleship, or some other context. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage. Just because the person is lying out of fear does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason.

Spend your time and heart on honest people. It is often too risky, from our perspective, to get involved with the fearful liar. If the person gets better and comes back repentant, that is one thing. But, you should not think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. There are some people who do this on occasion and confess it, and probably can be trusted over the long haul. But, patterns of this type are problematic. Whatever you decide to do, whether you stick in there or not, make sure that you do not go further until the lying issue is forever and certainly in the past. Remember the words of the wise instructor: Do not go on to other issues until the lying is solved.

The second kind of liar is a definite no-go. Tell him or her good-bye and save yourself a lot of heartache. Perpetual liars are not ready for a relationship, no matter how much you are attracted to him or her. Run, run, run!

A footnote: After Frank ended the relationship with his girlfriend, she soon was back with her former boyfriend. I told my client I thought he was lucky to have escaped her.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Dating, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 59B: Caleb’s Testimony Continued

Doug interviews Caleb to hear about the redemption of his story and the clarity that came from recovery practices.

They discuss the ups and downs of recovery and the process over perfection concept.

Caleb’s testimony is a powerful message of the power of God in our lives. Listen to finds ways to utilize community to help you in your recovery.

Email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org for more information…thank you for listening!

The book mentioned in this podcast can be found by following the link below:

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The “But” Sandwich

Originally posted at: https://scottwoodtherapy.wordpress.com/2016/09/06/the-but-sandwich/

by scottwoodtherapy

You have been served a but sandwich whether you recognized it as such or not.  Whether it is in close relationships or at work, but sandwiches are frequently on the menu, and they seem to get served though no one ever orders them.

Let me define this for you.  A but sandwich is a complaint or criticism in the guise of a compliment or expression of appreciation.  It often sounds like this, “Thanks for doing x, but…”  On the one side you have an apparent expression of appreciation.  On the other is the complaint or criticism.  Sandwiched in the middle is “but.”

“Isn’t this a good way to give feedback?” I hear you ask.  “You say something positive and then you point out the problem.”  Think about the experience of getting served a but sandwich and you can probably answer your own question.  When someone served you a but sandwich, did you feel affirmed?  Did you feel that you just got a stroke or did you feel criticized?  Chances are that your experience was one of being criticized and not affirmed.  The but sandwich tends to have the effect of negating the positive part of the statement.

The research on couple’s relationships[1] indicates that for relationship health, five positives are needed for every negative[2].  That is just to break even on relationship health.  A but sandwich is, at best, 1:1 and at worst comes off as “I didn’t really mean the first part.”

In close relationships, this effect can become more pronounced when the relationship is in “negative sentiment override.”  This is the point at which enough negativity has built up in the relationship such that the default perspective through which we interpret all interactions is negative.  In negative sentiment override, every remark begins to sound like criticism.  “It’s a beautiful day out” can land as “You lazy bum, why don’t you get off the couch and mow the lawn?”

In a marriage, you have to be able to complain.  It just goes with living with another human being that sometimes you need to be able to complain.  It is important to do this without criticism or contempt as these are particularly damaging to the relationship.  How to complain in healthy ways is a topic for another post.  This post is about the need to regularly express appreciation and do it well.  This is not optional.  For relationship health, you must affirm your partner.

It’s important to know how to express appreciation, and how not to.  No But Sandwiches.  Early on in therapy (usually during the first session), I will ask couples about their courtship, what it was about your partner that first attracted you, and what it was about your partner that caused you to say this is someone I could spend my life with.  If you have been in negative sentiment override for a long time, these can sometimes be difficult questions.  In distressed couples, it can become difficult to recall what it was you really loved and appreciated about your partner.  If you step out of the current distress and recall those early days, there are positive things you can appreciate about your partner.  When you give them voice, for your partner hearing appreciation can be like water to one who is dying of thirst.  If you have been hearing “you are a colossal disappointment” for a long time, hearing that your partner sees something good in you is hugely impactful.

A few years ago, The Love Dare was a popular self-help marriage book in Christian circles.  The premise was to provide a 40 day guide for how to make your partner feel loved unconditionally.  Day 1 is simply “Don’t Say Anything Negative Today.”  I had a client in a very distressed marriage try it out.  The next week she reported that by day 3 her husband was singing in the morning.  She had only gotten through applying the first two days from the love dare.  In our most intimate relationships, we thirst for some appreciation.  Getting it without the negative is transformational to the relationship and our sense of wellbeing.

Here’s my money saving tip.  You can save a lot of money on marital therapy (or alternatively divorce attorneys) if you get good at this.  When clients first come in for their second appointment, we start by debriefing on their progress during the week.  Often, one partner will notice the other partner making an effort to respond differently.  For illustration purposes, let’s say that the wife notices that the husband has been making an extra effort to engage with her in the evenings.  While I am highlighting the progress and exploring what this was like for the wife to have him more engaged, she’s in the mental kitchen preparing to serve up a but sandwich.  Behind the “but” is “It wasn’t enough” or “he just did it because you suggested it” or “why did you take 10 years to start paying attention to me?”  When the but sandwich gets served what does he hear?  It is not “I really see you trying, and it means so much to me to have you trying to connect with me.”  He hears, “You can’t win.  Whatever you do will never be enough.”

My grandmother used to say, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar.”  I am not particularly interested in catching flies, but Grandma’s point is well taken.  The sweetness will be much more helpful than the sour.

One final point here, “you’re great” is not a helpful affirmation and is likely to be perceived as disingenuous, particularly if the relationship has been characterized by negativity.  A helpful affirmation is more specific to positive traits you appreciate about your partner and the evidence of those traits.  “I appreciate how hard you work for our family,” is a much more helpful affirmation.  “I really appreciate how you did x, because you know it is important to me,” works well too.

Here’s the message.  Let your compliments be your compliments and your complaints be your complaints.  For relationship health, the positives need to outnumber the negatives by a 5:1 ratio.

[1] You can find the data in a number of books by John and Julie Gottman.

[2] I have always thought this number was way low.  I want way more than 5 positives from my wife before I am ready to hear the negative, but maybe that is just me.