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10 Things You Need to Know About Codependency

SOURCE:   Sharon Martin, LCSW / PsychCentral

Codependency is often misunderstood. It’s not just a label to slap on the spouse of every alcoholic. It encompasses a wide-range of behavior and thought patterns that cause people distress to varying degrees. I hope this article will help clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you to understand codependency better.

  • Codependency is a response to trauma. You probably developed codependent traits starting in your childhood as a way to deal with an abusive, chaotic, dysfunctional, or codependent family. As a child in an overwhelming situation, you learned that keeping the peace, taking care of others, denying your feelings, and trying to control things were ways to survive and cope with a scary and out of control home life. For some people, the trauma was subtle, almost unnoticeable. Even if your childhood was fairly “normal”, you may have experienced generational trauma, meaning your parents or close relatives passed some of their trauma responses down to you.
  • Codependency feels shameful. The foremost shame researcher, Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have explicitly told you this by calling you stupid or worthless or you might have gotten this message when your parents blamed you for their marital problems, addiction, or unemployment. We all know that there’s still a huge stigma around addiction, abuse, and mental illness, so we’re afraid to talk about having these problems ourselves or in our families. Shame grows when we can’t tell people about our problems; we feel alone and inadequate as if these struggles are our fault and the direct result of our flaws. We come to believe that we’re not as good as everyone else and this belief is reinforced further when people mistreat, reject, or abandon us.
  • Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs. Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and to avoid or distract ourselves from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process. Many codependents describe feeling addicted to another person; the relationship has an obsessive quality that’s hard to quit even when you know it’s unhealthy. Your self-worth and identity are based on this relationship. You might ask yourself, “Who am I and what would I do without my spouse (or child or parent)?” This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which, you’re not sure who you are. And your loved one needs you and depends on you to do things for them. You’re both dependent on each other in an unhealthy way (this the “co” in codependent).
  • Codependents are very sensitive to criticism. Codependents tend to be a sensitive bunch. Our feelings are easily hurt; we’ve dealt with a lot of hurt, blame, and criticism in our lives. We do everything we can to avoid displeasing others. We’ll bend over backward to keep other people happy and divert attention away from ourselves. Sometimes we try to stay “small and quiet” so we don’t draw any attention to ourselves.
  • Codependents are super responsible. Codependents are the glue that keeps a family going. We make sure the rent gets paid, the kids get to baseball practice, and the windows are shut so the neighbors don’t hear the yelling. Most of us were very responsible children who, out of necessity, became responsible for taking care of parents, siblings, household chores, and school work without parental assistance. We find it easier to care for others than ourselves and we gain self-esteem from being responsible, dependable, and hard working. But we pay the price when we over extend ourselves, become workaholics, or grow resentful when we do more than our share.
  • Codependents wall off their own feelings. Avoiding painful feelings is another coping strategy that codependents often employ. However, we can’t wall off only the painful feelings; we end up disconnected from all our feelings, making it harder to fully enjoy life’s joys, as well. Even the painful and uncomfortable feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your coworker takes credit for your work in an important meeting, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you’ve been mistreated, which isn’t OK, and then you can figure out how to deal with it. If you pretend or convince yourself that you’re not hurt or angry, you’ll continue to allow people to take credit for your work or mistreat you in other ways.
  • Codependents don’t ask for what they need. One of the offshoots of suppressing our feelings is that without attuning to and understanding our feelings, we don’t know what we need. And it’s impossible to meet your own needs or ask others to meet them when you don’t even know what they are. And because of our low self-esteem, we don’t feel worthy to ask our partner, friends, or employer for what we need from. The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask for them to be met. Of course, asking doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be met, but it’s much more likely when we ask assertively rather than staying passive (or waiting until we’re full of rage).
  • Codependents give, even when it hurts. Caretaking and enabling are hallmarks of codependency. What makes it unhealthy is that codependents will put their time, energy, and money into helping or doing for others even when it causes them distress or hardship. This caring nature also makes us susceptible to being mistreated or taken advantage of. We struggle to set boundaries and need to strive for a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.
  • Codependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis. Many people with codependency have clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma and genetics, but codependency itself isn’t a mental disorder. Also, remember that going to counseling or psychotherapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you; you may feel empty and defective, but that doesn’t mean you are!
  • You can change your codependent patterns. People can recover from codependency. I’m not going to lie and tell you it’s easy, but I do know it’s possible. Change is a gradual process that requires lots of practice and an openness to try new things and to feel a little uncomfortable in the process. You may find that professional therapy is very helpful in addition to self-help resources such as books or 12-step programs (Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Codependents Anonymous are popular choices).   Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change it.

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When a Musician Gets Sober, Can You Hear It?

Originally posted at: https://www.thefix.com/when-musician-gets-sober-can-you-hear-it

By Paul Fuhr 08/18/17

When James Hetfield returned from rehab, he came back raw, exposed and uncertain what the future held.

Metallica frontman

When artists embrace sobriety, their music and lives are often profoundly changed.

In early sobriety, I collected vinyl records with the same empty, single-minded purpose that I used to collect drinking buddies. I’d spend an hour gathering records I hoped would impress the checkout person—not even necessarily albums I wanted. Like my barstool friends, the records were just props. I just wanted that split-second jolt of acknowledgment, a momentary rush of being appreciated. Truth be told, it’s never happened. Not once. I’ve never had a handshake, high-five or even so much as a nod from a record shop clerk. Recently in a record shop, somewhere between the “G” and “H” sections, I became overwhelmed with a sense of wonder about artists and groups that have decades-spanning careers. Unless you’re Led Zeppelin, it’s damn near impossible to have every one of your records be vital (I’m looking at you, R.E.M.’s Around the Sun)—especially if you’re struggling with as many external forces as you are internal ones.

Volumes have been written about musicians, addiction and recovery—so much so that those stories are almost as predictable and well-worn as overused hooks and choruses. What’s not clear, however, is how sobriety has impacted the music itself. When a singer-songwriter gets sober, can you hear it in between the notes? Does a group sound battered and hollowed out, but somehow better for it? Is the music jarringly different like when Natalie Merchant left 10,000 Maniacs, yet they still toured as 10,000 Maniacs? (P.S. That was insane.) Here are some artists and groups who changed their behaviors and, as a result, had the notes of their careers change on them in ways that are as fascinating as they are profound.

Trent Reznor

15 years of sobriety doesn’t simply inform the Nine Inch Nails frontman’s music now, but it’s in direct contrast to the haunted, darkly industrial mood NiN evokes. In an interview with Fast Company, Reznor revealed that “getting sober and getting my life in order has really changed my perspective on the creative process. It used to be fraught with fear.” He added that he “would try to trick myself into avoiding working, because it was the most difficult, painful self-examination imaginable. That process is no less difficult, but it’s become actually enjoyable.” I’d argue that his triptych of David Fincher soundtracks (The Social Network, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and Gone Girl) are as vital and alive as anything he produced with NiN, if not more so. In fact, each wordless track (composed with Atticus Ross) is textured and layered in ways that, say, Reznor’s influential The Downward Spiral doesn’t even aspire to be. No matter what, the frenetic, pulse-pounding track “In Motion” off The Social Network remains directly tied to my sobriety in that it was the first song I put on repeat after getting out of treatment. Even now, “In Motion” somehow recalls the sound of my own brain chemistry percolating and changing, bringing me to a better understanding of who I really am.

Eric Clapton

The Crossroads at Antigua founder (also the same man who spurred a rash of “Clapton is God” graffiti in the 1970s) is an unarguably different artist in sobriety than he was when he was drinking and using. I once detailed how Clapton’s alcoholic past is ruining his musical present, in that he’s suffering from peripheral neuropathy as a result of his drinking: “Clapton’s battle with substance abuse has been in the spotlight for decades. In fact, at one point, it was quite literally in the spotlight. His heroin addiction had spun so far out of control that he passed out during the 1971 Concert for Bangladesh at Madison Square Garden.” An NPR profile on the “Cocaine” singer also revealed that he was spending $16,000 per week (about $55,000 in today’s dollars) on heroin. Ever since he got sober in 1986, though, he’s been present in a way that’s almost painful. When his son Conor died tragically in 1991, Clapton didn’t retreat to the bottle—he faced the pain, full-on. In fact, hearing his beautiful “Tears in Heaven” beats those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials by a narrow margin in its ability to reduce me to tears. Sobriety has brought a clarity to his studio albums that’s impossible to ignore—especially in his most recent effort, I Still Do, which was widely praised by critics for a refined, confident sound that can only be attributed to his recovery.

Phish

The jam band’s frontman Trey Anastasio was notoriously out of his mind on drugs and alcohol for much of Phish’s early run—so much so that the group broke up in 2004. A Rolling Stone profile revealed that much of Anastasio’s rock bottom was on full display for Phish fans, too: “At the band’s 2004 farewell concert in Coventry, Vermont, Anastasio actually appeared to be nodding off onstage, but things only got worse from there.” After a few arrests, community service and treatment, Anastasio finally managed to break out of his downward spiral, releasing six studio albums, composing a Broadway musical, and reuniting with Phish. He’s also now an advocate for the National Association of Drug Court Professionals, through which he shared his story of recovery on Capitol Hill. While some critics continue to level complaints at Phish’s self-indulgent jams, there’s certainly nothing self-indulgent about Anastasio’s commitment to recovery.

Wilco

I’m not sure when Wilco transitioned from being an indie darling to a confused act that suddenly lost its way, but I’m guessing it’s when lead singer Jeff Tweedy found sobriety. Wilco once effortlessly churned out one flawless album after another (a mantle eventually stolen by Arcade Fire), but you could suddenly almost hear them laboring to put their music together with inert records like Sky Blue Sky. “There is some creativity to being an addict. It’s a hard job. It’s a lot of work for every aspect of my life. There’s still a part of me that will always be an addict and that’s part of how I am defined,” Tweedy told Vice. That said, in hindsight, it’s fascinating to watch the arc of Tweedy’s recovery play out over the course of several albums, culminating in 2015’s beautiful Star Wars. Tweedy demonstrates a daring that’s both creative and confident, thanks to knowing exactly who he is and what he’s capable of. He’s also put together a side act simply named Tweedy that’s just him and his son Spencer, which is both touching and a testament to healing.

Brian Wilson

I’d love to say Pet Sounds and the genius of The Beach Boys was embroidered into my musical DNA, but it’s not. No, the most I’d known about Brian Wilson was that he once stayed in a bed for years, growing to 300 pounds—or so the Barenaked Ladies tune goes. That genius is debatable, much like staring at the splatter-smart artwork of Jackson Pollock and wondering if the work truly is art. Looking at Wilson’s music career, he went from being a meticulous technician constantly tweaking the most minute details (hilariously sent up in the criminally underseen Walk Hard) to a moribund, overweight recluse, crippled by drug abuse and mental illness. Wilson overdosed in 1982 on cocaine, alcohol and other drugs, which resulted in him getting kicked out of the Beach Boys. And while he spent the next few years in the controversial care of Dr. Eugene Landy, Wilson recovered and released an acclaimed, self-titled solo album. He’s since released ten albums, been the recipient of numerous awards (including two Grammys), was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, reunited with the Beach Boys, and was the subject of three films—a far cry from the pained work of someone struggling with addiction who couldn’t get out of his own way.

Metallica

If you haven’t seen Some Kind of Monster, Joe Berninger’s fascinating 2004 documentary about the torturous process of creating Metallica’s St. Anger, go watch it now. I’ll wait. Done? Good, now we can talk about what it says about the impact of recovery on the creative process. Set aside the turmoil and strife and Lars’ temper-tantrums. Even ignore the group sorting out its problems on camera. Some Kind of Monster is the can’t-look-away chronicle of an uber-popular band plagued with problems—chief among them being Hetfield’s alcoholism. When Hetfield returned from rehab, he came back raw, exposed and uncertain what the future held. “Rehab really worked for me,” Hetfield told podcaster Joe Rogan, describing how he was torn “down to bones.” And you can see that in the thrash-rocker’s face in the documentary. But there’s a big distance between the blood-and-anvil cover of Kill ‘Em All and the sight of the band members arguing over studio schedules around a conference room table. They might not be the vital band they once were, but it doesn’t diminish their endurance or resiliency. And while St. Anger might not be a great album, it (like Metallica) still exists—and that’s a minor miracle itself.

Neil Young

When Neil Young gave up drinking and drugs in 2011, he was shutting the door on 40 years of substance misuse. According to a New York Times profile, the prolific activist-rocker used to smoke “pot the way others smoke cigarettes”—a habit that, in sobriety, has challenged Young as much as it’s opened him up to new creative perspectives: “The straighter I am, the more alert I am, the less I know myself and the harder it is to recognize myself,” he said. “I need a little grounding in something and I am looking for it everywhere.” Drug addiction has coursed through Young’s life as much as its consequences have. In fact, in 1975, he released the mournful Tonight’s the Night—a pitch-black album that’s a reaction to the drug-induced deaths of his bandmate Danny Whitten and his friend/roadie Bruce Berry. It’s difficult to frame Young’s recent sobriety against a career that spans a staggering forty-plus studio albums, but perhaps the notoriously prickly site Pitchfork put it best in its review of Young’s 2016 Peace Trail: “While Young’s voice has certainly never sounded older than it does here, there’s something youthful about his energy [and] his music is guided by a restless determination to cover new ground.” For anyone in the twilight years of their career, it’s encouraging, if not electrifying, to see an artist able to change—especially if that means finally surrendering themselves.

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Spilling It All May Be More Harmful Than Not

By Marie Woods, LMFT, CSAT, Primary Therapist, Gentle Path at the MeadowsIn light of some of the recent public disclosures of millions of individuals’ personal indiscretions online, one question many people may be asking is, “Would I really want to know?”

Based on the overwhelming amount of media coverage, it seems that people do want to know—although, of course, most would prefer that there isn’t anything to know, and that their partner doesn’t have any secrets or unknown sexual behaviors.

What if your partner actually does have secrets, though? How much would you really like to know?

At Gentle Path at the Meadows, we are flooded with questions from addicts and their partners about this. Addicts ask how much detail they should share, and partners often don’t know whether having all the details would be helpful or harmful.

The idea that a partner should know everything may seem obvious, but considering the depth of betrayal that accompanies sex addiction, the answer is not necessarily that clear. On the one hand, a partner needs to know the truth in order to make an informed decision about how to move forward with his or her life and the relationship. On the other hand, knowing all of the details can sometimes create more traumas for partners rather than assist in their healing.

Five Ways to Uncover the Truth and Begin Healing

Here are some of the guidelines that we use in helping addicts and partners share the truth while promoting healing:

1. Share information in the presence of professionals.
In the initial stages of recovery, most couples are too volatile to process the discovery together. Couples should make their best effort to seek professional guidance before “dumping” information on to their partner. The disclosure sessions can include the addict sharing their behaviors as well as the partner sharing their anger and frustration. A professional therapist can create a safe container for information to be appropriately shared.

2. Avoid disclosing new information without consulting with a therapist first.
As times goes on, more and more questions develop for both the addict and the partner, and the answers to these questions can be complex. When both individuals are so emotionally volatile (and often exhausted) having a therapist to navigate the situation alongside the couple can be helpful.

3. Recognize that knowing all of the details will not justify the behavior.
Addiction involves irrational behavior. The decisions that were made in the midst of active addiction do not make sense in a rational state of mind. It is likely that even when the partner has all of the details, it still will not make sense. Rather than focusing on the details, partners should focus instead on leaning into their feelings and taking care of themselves.

4. Focus on themes rather than specifics.
Partners have a right to know the nature of the addict’s behavior in an effort to ensure their physical and emotional safety. This includes things like the potential for sexually transmitted diseases, anything that may have occurred in the home with knowledge of the family, or financial impact. This does not typically include things like names, graphic details of pornography or sexual acts, or specific places where acting out may have occurred. Those details create a mental picture in the partner’s mind that cannot be erased, and could continue to leave them feeling unnecessary pain.

5. Recognize that this is a slow process.
It is human nature to want to avoid pain and guilt. Partners want to stop feeling pain as quickly as they can; Addicts want to get out of their guilt and shame as quickly as they can. People often want to skip over this part of the healing, but it is essential. Partners will need to move through the stages of grief, including anger and pain, in order to heal. Addicts will need to experience healthy levels of guilt and shame to get into recovery. So while it may seem easier to “get it all out on the table” right now, true growth and change is an evolving process.

Get the Support You Need

So, as a partner, before you go digging for more information to help you understand “why they would do this,” and, as an addict, before you decide that “if I just tell them everything then I won’t feel so bad, and they will feel better” – think again. If you are the partner of an addict, find some support: someone who, initially, can just hear you vent. Take a step back, knowing that you are taking care of yourself by not exposing yourself to more pain at a time when you are already struggling. If you are an addict, know that you will need to share and accept appropriate accountability for your behaviors when you are in a mature place with healthy remorse. To prevent any further hurt and pain, it is essential to do this in a very measured way, as described above. The ultimate goal of this process is honesty and healing.

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Couples Recovering from Sex Addiction Can Reconnect

originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2017/04/11/couples-recovering-from-sex-addiction-can-reconnect/

By Dr. Georgia Fourlas, LCSW, LISAC, CSAT, Rio Retreat Center Lead Therapist

There is an indescribable beauty in watching participants move into a deeper level of intimacy after struggling through the destruction of sexual addiction.

We recently held our first session of Discovery to Recovery Part 3: From Grief to Hope, a unique workshop for couples who have already begun a journey of recovery from sex addiction. The workshop focuses on helping the couple make a transition from despair to renewal.

The rebuilding process set in motion during the workshop helps couples move their focus from the individual’s addiction to the couple and their attachment. Many couples come to this session feeling that they are stuck in grief, which can leave them feeling hopeless and helpless. The grieving process that couples embark on together throughout the week allows them to honor the pain caused by other forces in their lives while examining how that pain has kept them emotionally separated.

Through honoring that pain and re-connecting with one another, couples begin to experience the hope that not only can attachment be repaired, but also that they can experience emotional intimacy that can surpass what they ever believed possible in their lives. I like to think of this as intimacy beyond their wildest dreams, which can be experienced regardless of whether or not the couple is staying together.

Some couples decide it is best for them to move forward apart while building on the hope that they can continue to honor one another as healthy co-parents or in another capacity that respects both partners while they go their separate ways. Others decide to make staying together in a mutually fulfilling and loving relationship their goal.

Experiencing Recovery Together

Dr. Ken Adams, the architect of the Discovery to Recovery workshops, has a deep passion for healing couples. He recognized that there was a gap in services for those who were looking for ways to re-attach, seek the next level of change, and achieve deeper levels of recovery together.

Dr. Adams describes how couples survive the chaos of addiction, but do not always have the opportunity to experience full emotional recovery together. They often become stuck in the negative patterns of interaction that are driven by ineffective attempts to feel understood and to have their emotional needs met by their partners. They move from the addiction to a place where they either continue to spin in pain, shame, anger, and resentment, or they disconnect emotionally and feel stuck in a relationship that they feel is emotionally unsafe.

Dr. Adams says that he views the Discovery to Recovery workshop series as “an invitation to integrate recovery concepts as a couple.” This requires a paradigm shift—the perception must move away from the problem of the individual toward the solution that can be provided as a couple. The solution involves healing through emotional reconnection and attachment repair.

One participant who recently completed the workshop said, “This workshop facilitated an 180-degree shift in how we have been relating to each other. We were very much stuck in conflict and separate corners, wanting to come together, but lost as to how to do that. This workshop showed us how to soften toward each other to allow the connection we both wanted to find, a starting place.”

How Change Happens

First order change happens when something, usually a behavior, changes to restore balance. Most recovery work begins this way.

The final phase of the Discover to Recovery workshop focuses on making second order change, which happens when a completely new way of seeing things is created, or when a major paradigm shift is internalized. Some people see it as a shift in how we view and maintain first order change. In that way, second order change in couples supports first order change, while allowing a complete transformation in the system of the coupleship.

Second order change for couples involves rewriting a new narrative for the relationship that includes a deeper level of connection and shifts the focus from the issues in the relationship to the process by which couples can deal with those issues. Learning how to interact in more tender, loving, responsive, and emotionally connected ways can promote second order change through the development of a more secure attachment.

An eclectic blend of therapeutic approaches makes this amazing workshop unique. It provides what many experts feel is the missing piece in sexual addiction recovery. Experiential work helps couples achieve deeper connection and move toward second order change. After the pain of disclosure and the vulnerability of emotional impact and emotional restitution, this workshop offers couples the opportunity to truly heal with one another and to achieve a level of attachment and intimacy that they never thought possible—intimacy beyond their wildest dreams.

“This workshop was amazing!” said one of our recent participants. “The structure of the week and the support and guidance of the facilitators provided an atmosphere that allowed my wife and me to change the trajectory of our marriage. It is not often that I am surprised by anything, but this week blew past my expectations. I am more hopeful for my marriage now than I have ever been.”

For more information on the Discovery to Recovery workshop series call 866-977-8770 or visit www.rioretreatcenter.com.

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Boundaries, Compliance, and the Fear of Saying No

Matthew 9:13 – “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

“May I tell you something embarrassing?” Robert asked me (Dr. Townsend). A new client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so much difficulty refusing his wife’s constant demands. He was going broke trying to keep up with the Joneses.

“I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four children. There was a strange double standard in my house involving physical fighting.” Robert cleared his throat, struggling to continue. “My sisters were three to seven years older than me. Until I was in sixth grade, they were a lot bigger and stronger. They’d take advantage of their size and strength and wale on me until I was bruised. I mean, they really hurt me.

“The strangest part of it all was my parents’ attitude.

They’d tell us, ‘Robert is the boy. Boys don’t hit girls. It’s bad manners.’ Bad manners! I was getting triple-teamed, and fighting back was bad manners?” Robert stopped. His shame kept him from continuing, but he’d said enough. He had unearthed part of the reason for his conflicts with his wife.

When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying no is bad, they are teaching them that others can do with them as they wish. They are sending their children defenseless into a world that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling, manipulative, and exploitative people. Evil in the form of temptations.

To feel safe in such an evil world, children need to have the power to say things like:

  • “No.”
  • “I disagree.”
  • “I will not.”
  • “I choose not to.”
  • “Stop that.”
  • “It hurts.”
  • “It’s wrong.”
  • “That’s bad.”
  • “I don’t like it when you touch me there.”

Blocking a child’s ability to say no handicaps that child for life. Adults with handicaps like Robert’s have this first boundary injury: they say yes to bad things.

This type of boundary conflict is called compliance. Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them. Compliants, for example, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friends do “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.

The inability to say no to the bad is pervasive. Not only does it keep us from refusing evil in our lives, it often keeps us from recognizing evil. Many compliant people realize too late that they’re in a dangerous or abusive relationship. Their spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts (see Proverbs 4:23).

This type of boundary problem paralyzes people’s “no” muscles. Whenever they need to protect themselves by saying no, the word catches in their throats. This happens for a number of different reasons:

  • Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings
  • Fear of abandonment and separateness
  • A wish to be totally dependent on another
  • Fear of someone else’s anger
  • Fear of punishment
  • Fear of being shamed
  • Fear of being seen as bad or selfish
  • Fear of being unspiritual
  • Fear of one’s overstrict, critical conscience

This last fear is actually experienced as guilt. People who have an overstrict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for. As Paul says, “Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled” (see 1 Corinthians 8:7). Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate boundaries.

When we give in to guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. This fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a saying yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt.

Biblical compliance needs to be distinguished from this kind of compliance. Matthew 9:13 says that God desires “compassion, and not sacrifice.” In other words, God wants us to be compliant from the inside out (compassionate), not compliant on the outside and resentful on the inside (sacrificial). Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.