CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Enabling: Good Intentions Gone Wrong

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by  Karl Benzio/Lighthouse Network/Stepping Stones

Sadly, we have all seen a loved one making destructive decisions. When someone we love is in the grip of a harmful pattern, we naturally want to help so they will have less pain. But in spite of our best intentions, our efforts sometimes end up being more harmful than helpful.

The official psychobabble term for this action is “enabling,” otherwise known as “good intentions gone wrong.”

In this sense, enabling means, even though you are trying to help the person prevent or stop their dysfunctional behavior, your action provides them with the power or means to continue their dysfunctional activities. In essence, your enabling makes it a lot easier for those who are struggling to persist in their self-destructive behaviors.

A major component of our enabling behaviors is they keep our struggling loved one from feeling the natural, painful consequences of their conduct. These consequences could significantly influence them to stop their dysfunctional decisions before their problems spiral out of control. Today’s Scripture cautions us that if we start to rescue people from the consequences of their choices, we’ll just have to do it again … and again. We are then called a “nag” or a “martyr” when we try to “undo” the enabling or hound them about the behavior.

Here are some common scenarios that enable others:

  • Do you find yourself covering up or “living with” the behavior of a friend, child, or loved one, or bailing them out of trouble?
  • You might make excuses for them or even blame yourself for their problem.
  • Are you reminding them to do certain chores or tasks so that they don’t get the consequences they deserve?
  • Do you find yourself giving them “one more chance” … over and over again instead of giving them the consequences they should receive?
  • Do you care more than they do about the consequences they might get?
  • Do you feel you are being held hostage by their behaviors?

At the foundation of our enabling behavior is our inability to tolerate negative feelings, both in others and ourselves. These feelings are generated when someone struggles and faces potential consequences. We feel very uncomfortable when they feel sad, hurt, or have to endure a consequence, or when we anticipate their sadness or enduring consequences. We may feel at fault, or feel they will be mad at us for giving them a consequence. So we keep nagging, threatening, or pushing them to accomplish their task. Sometimes we even do the task for them. Perhaps it’s their homework or project, driving them to school after missing the bus, or giving them one last chance – for the third or thirteenth time.

Today, be mindful that your responsibility to your troubled loved one is to be supportive and to facilitate their growth, not to inhibit growth by facilitating their struggle. You need to empathize and pray for them, but not fix their problems. They need to learn how to fix it themselves. You aren’t going to be around all the time. You need to encourage them when they have made an error, but not protect them from the necessary consequences. You must allow them to learn from the natural consequences of their actions and not rescue them. All of us need to look at whether we are helping or harming the struggling people in our lives. And then we can begin the process of being a supporter instead of an enabler. Let God, not you, determine the consequences that will open their eyes, change their behavior, and hopefully, transform their hearts.

Dear God, stepping aside from my loved one’s problems is so hard. My urge is to come to the rescue instead of letting her suffer the consequences. I realize now, that when I rescue her, I am actually crippling her from learning skills to rescue herself. Then I have to come to the rescue again and again … and nothing really gets fixed. Teach me to be a supporter instead of an enabler. Help me guide her to You … help me to trust You more. Give me the peace to tolerate my own uneasiness and the discomfort of others. Help me to allow Your consequences and lessons to play out. I pray this in the name of the One who gives me strength in all circumstances, Jesus Christ;  – AMEN!

The Truth
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. Luke 15:16-18

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The Rising Tide of Pornography … in the Church

Originally posted at: http://lynnhpryor.com/2021/03/04/the-rising-tide-of-pornography-in-the-church/

Can I address an uncomfortable subject like pornography or would you rather I address something safer … like smartphones?

Actually, I can’t talk about one without talking about the other. There was a time when pornography was relegated to seedy bookstores in a sketchy part of town or a magazine subscription, but not anymore. We now have the Internet. Pornography is big business on the Internet. Huge.

And now pornography is as close as our smartphones.  The porn sites are getting slicker and easier to access, and since we rarely go anywhere without our phones, there is a pipeline to pornography right in your back pocket.

Pornography was already flooding our culture, and the smartphone only made it worse. Ted Shimer, founder of The Freedom Fight, has mentored young adults for close to three decades. He notes that in 2007—the year the iPhone came out—his ministry partners noticed a significant increase in porn addiction among young people.

This isn’t limited to young adults. Consider its impact on our kids. Every kid wants a phone, and it benefits the parents as well; parents can get ahold of a child quickly or keep tabs on where he is. It’s a good link of communication, but for every kid we hand this lifeline to, we’re also handing them easy access to pornography. Eleven is the average age that a child is first exposed to porn, and 94 percent of children will see porn by the age of fourteen. [Source]

Ted Shimer said,

“When a mom hands her seventh grader an iPhone, she’s not realizing she’s handing her child 24/7 access to pornography,” he said. “And yet, that’s what’s happening. It’s the private access at such young ages that’s really the driver behind why we’re seeing so many young people with such deep addictions. It’s getting worse every year. It’s a massive, massive issue.” [Source]

If you depress easily, stop reading. The statistics are about to get worse. According to Barna Research and Covenant Eyes:

  1. 68% of church-going men view porn on a regular basis.
  2. Over 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis.
  3. 59% of pastors said that married men seek their help for porn use.
  4. 33% of women aged 25-and-under search for porn at least once per month.
  5. Only 13% of Christian women say they never watch porn. That means 87% of Christian women have watched porn.
  6. 55% of married men and 25% of married women say they watch porn at least once a month.
  7. 57% of pastors say porn addiction is the most damaging issue in their congregation. And 69% say porn has adversely impacted the church. [Source]

I don’t have an easy answer. The subject makes us uncomfortable, but pretending or ignoring the problem doesn’t help. Maybe it’s time for the church to speak up. Pornography appeals to the basest part of our fallen sin nature, but we must speak against it. We must point out its dangers and consequences. We must point to the call and value of living righteous lives in Christ and for Christ.

Years ago, I committed Job 31:1 to memory: “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.” Join me in the need to stand up against this secret sin that is harming the lives of so many.

“Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable —​if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy —​dwell on these things” (Phil. 4:8).

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Living With A Narcissist

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Les Carter/CareLeader

Helping those living with a narcissist

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is defined as a personality so consumed with self that the individual is unable to consistently relate to the feelings, needs, and perceptions of others.

Why is it so difficult for someone to live with a narcissist?

It is quite challenging to live with a narcissist since chronically controlling and exploitative behavior is at the core of this personality, and over time narcissists have a knack for generating exasperation in those who simply want to relate with equality and respect.

Anyone can be self-centered. What makes a person a narcissist?

When we refer to a narcissistic personality, we acknowledge that self-absorption is not just present, but it is the defining feature. Even when they appear helpful or friendly, narcissists eventually illustrate that their good behavior has a self-serving hook on the end of it. (“Now you owe me.”)

What are some indicators that someone is a narcissist?

Key indicators of a full-blown narcissistic personality include an inability to empathize; expecting special favors; an attitude of entitlement; manipulative or exploitative behaviors; hypersensitivity when confronted; being loose with “facts”; extremes in emotional reactions, both positive and negative; idealism; an unwillingness to deal with reality; an insatiable need for control; the need to be in the superior or favored position; and an ability to make initial positive impressions.

How can someone have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

I know it seems pessimistic for me to state this, but when someone engages with a narcissist, he or she cannot afford to think “normally.” Normal relationships have an ebb and flow of cooperation, something a narcissist knows little about. (Keep in mind, the narcissist thinks he or she is unique, meaning above the standards of everyone else.)

Is it wise to try and reform the narcissist?

While it is tempting to plead or debate with the narcissist, such efforts will only increase one’s aggravation. The narcissist has no interest speaking as one equal to another. The narcissist must win, meaning the other person must lose. There is a very small probability that person will respond to another person’s good comments with, “I really needed to hear that. Thanks for the input.” Don’t waste emotional energies by bargaining, insisting, or convincing.

How should someone communicate with a narcissist?

A very predictable tactic of the narcissist is to argue the merits of one’s beliefs or needs. This strategy draws a person into a debate that will never end well for the person (Prov. 26:4). The good news is that the hurting spouse is not required to be a master debater, and in fact, after the spouse has explained his or her thoughts and feelings once, those words do not need to be repeated. For instance, when the narcissist continues to argue, instead of being sucked in, a person can say something like, “I know we differ, but I’m comfortable with my decision.” When receiving the predictable push-back, he or she can say, “I’m comfortable with my decision, so I’ll stick with my plans.” No debate, no needless justification.

Why is it important for those living with a narcissist to demonstrate a belief in their own dignity?

Someone may often feel poorly about him- or herself since a narcissist so readily discounts that person, leaving the person to wonder, “What’s so awful about me?” Encourage the person not to fall into that trap. Contrary to the narcissist’s assumption, one’s dignity is a God-given gift, and it does not vary due to the narcissistic person’s invalidations (Ps. 139:13–14). Encourage the person who feels poorly to connect with friends and associates who understand how relationships can be anchored in mutual regard.

What can a person do to stay at peace with a narcissist?

Narcissists can stubbornly persuade and coerce, telling others how to think and behave. Being inebriated with correctness, they quickly turn discussions into a battle for dominance. The best way for a person to be in control of him- or herself is to drop the illusion that he or she can control the narcissist, and also to remember that sometimes there’s only so much one can do to keep the peace (Rom. 12:18).

Additional resources

For more detailed instruction on how to live with a narcissistic/self-centered spouse, see Brad Hambrick’s free online resource Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse. It’s a helpful guide you can use to help spouses develop Christ-centered strategies to deal with a narcissist. The resource is also designed for self-study.

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Recovery Minute – Does Your Spouse Complete You? – TheresStillHope

Source: https://www.theresstillhope.org/

In the movie bearing his name, Jerry Maguire offered an impassioned speech to Dorothy, concluding with this memorable line: “You complete me.”
 
Many a young romantic has fallen into that same trap. We marry someone, expecting them to complete us. And we are invariably disappointed. Why? Because we are never made complete by another human being.
 
I love the sentiment of the iconic actress, Audrey Hepburn, who said, “If I get married, I want to be very married.”
 
It is important in marriage to go all in. But we must do so with a full recognition that marrying the best spouse in the world is no antidote for sexual sin.
 
Marriage must be a romantic partnership – and more. Joyce Brothers described marriage like this: “Marriage is not just a spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
 
So what’s the lesson? If you are married, be very married. But don’t expect your spouse to complete you. That job is already taken.
 
Recovery Step: If you are married, be very married. But don’t place expectations on your spouse that only God can fill. The psalmist prayed, “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).

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Recovery Minute – 7 Things to Never Tell An Addict – There’s Still Hope

https://www.theresstillhope.org/

July 11, 2020

You meant well. You sincerely thought you were saying the right thing. But somehow, your words did more damage than good.

If you know an addict or are even married to an addict, measure your words carefully. Adopt the mantra of a therapist – “Do no harm.”

Let me help. Here are seven things you should never say to an addict.

  1. “If you loved me, you’d stop.”
  2. “Your problem is a sign of weakness.”
  3. “You have to hit rock bottom.”
  4. “Your whole life is a lie.”
  5. “You will never change.”
  6. “If you loved God, you’d stop.”
  7. “You just need to try harder.”

Never pamper a sex addict. He is responsible for his recovery – period. But don’t create an even bigger problem by telling him or her the wrong thing.

Perhaps you can adopt the approach God took toward a wayward generation 2,700 years ago. “I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you’” (Isaiah 41:13).

Recovery Step: Sex addicts need accountability and tough love. But they also need something else. In fact, we all do. It’s called grace.