CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

alcohol

By

You’re Going Into Battle Today. Will You Listen to the Father?

Originally posted at: https://manliveup.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/2979/

by LiveUP1

Here are the slides from this morning … who-are-you-listening-to

Here is the short video of the man talking about his new baby girl hearing his voice …

John 10:10 – “The thief comes only to steal, kill and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance.”  Verse 11 – “I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

If you’re hearing, “You’re not going to make it” or “You’re not good enough” … you’re not hearing that from God.  The good shepherd isn’t saying those things to you.

What is the provision? (He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies)   What is the “table”?  It is Him.  His word.  His will.

And so you sit with him at the table … in the presence of your enemies … and you say, “Thank you Jesus that you’re with me in the midst of this fire, this fight, this pressure, this darkness, this trial, this garbage dump … in the midst of this, you have prepared a table for me.”

When you go into the fire, it should be “Father, what is your will for me?  What is your desire?”  Not – “get me out of the fire” but rather, “What do you want me to do?”  Maybe your enemies are indeed surrounding you but you know what?  God’s angel armies are surrounding them.

God is saying, “I want all of you to watch me sustain and strengthen and lead my son through this valley.  Watch me sustain, strengthen and provide, protect and guide my child.  I want you to watch.  You thought you were going to take him out but I want you to watch me lead him through.”

Jehoshaphat (2 Chronicles 20) – when surrounded by enemies on all sides, he first turned to God to hear what God had to say and then they sang over their enemies, “Give thanks to the LORD, his faithful love endures forever.”

Our nature and instinct is to say, “Lord, get me out of this…”  But He is saying, “No, get me in the furnace with you and then watch me sustain you, guide you and restore you.  Let me protect you, provide for you and make you into everything I wanted you to be not in the absence of a fight, not in the absence of pressure, not in the absence of difficulty – but – right smack in the middle of the valley of the shadow of death, watch me deliver you.”

2 Chronicles 20:15 — “Do not be afraid.  Do not lose hope because of this huge army.  The battle is not yours.  It is God’s.”

Your battle is with an enemy who is constantly bombarding your thought life with deception that makes you think what is fake is real; that makes you think what is bad for you is actually good for you.

So … who are you listening to?  Your enemies are all around you.  The Lord is seated at the table He has prepared for you in the midst of your enemies.  Who are you listening to?

If the thoughts coming into your mind produce the following, they are from the Holy Spirit

 If the thoughts coming into your mind are producing the following, they are from your enemy.

Love

 Sexual immorality

Joy

Impurity

Peace

Idolatry

Patience

Hatred

Kindness

Discord

Goodness

Jealousy
Faithfulness

Selfish Ambition
Gentleness

Fits of Rage

Self-Control

 Drunkenness
 

Factions
 

Envy

Galatians 5:22-23 – The fruit of the spirit.  These things on the left, they produce calm in your life.  The things the Father will speak to you will be goodness, gentleness, patience, love, etc.

Galatians 5:19-21 – The works of the flesh.  These things on the right, they produce chaos in your life.  You battle two enemies – your flesh/sin nature and Satan.  Satan knows where you are weakest (your flesh) and he comes at you in these areas.  If you find yourself full of envy, rage, sexual temptation, jealousy, etc. and if the voices are whispering at you in these areas, you’ve given the enemy a seat at your table.

“He has shown you, oh man, what is good and what does the Lord require of you?  To live justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God.”   Micah 6:8

By

You Can’t Always Get What You Want – But You Better Try

Matthew 5:37 – “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

Telling other people what you want is key to feeling alive in a relationship and keeping things vibrant for both people. If only one person is getting his or her desires met, the relationship suffers. Unfortunately, many people do not get what they want in a relationship. But, they could if they knew how to communicate their desires.

For example, Peter began dating Marla. At first, he was in absolute heaven. She was so “easy to get along with,” he said. About five months later, though, something happened. “I broke up with Marla,” he said. “It just wasn’t working out.”

”What happened?” I (Dr. Cloud) asked.

“In the beginning, she was like a breath of fresh air,” Peter replied. But as time went on, I noticed a couple of things. First, I could never figure out what she wanted. I would ask her what she wanted to do, or where she wanted to go, or how she felt about something, and she would always defer to me. Even though that felt good in the beginning, over time, I got bored with Marla’s flexibility. There was something missing. I don’t know exactly what it was.

Second, she wouldn’t really pout, but she would be sad, or quiet, or something. I would feel like I had done something wrong, but I didn’t know what it was. So I would ask. At first, she would say, ‘Nothing,’ but I knew that was bull. So I would have to pull it out of her, and then I would find out that she had wanted me to do something I hadn’t done, or that she was bugged about something she hadn’t told me about. I felt like I was letting her down, but I couldn’t read her mind. I was frustrated not knowing when things were okay and when they weren’t. I think I need someone more up front with what they are thinking and what they want.”

Many people think of “boundaries” only as setting limits, saying no, or trying to stop something destructive from happening. But having good boundaries is more than stopping bad things from happening to you. It is also taking responsibility for the good things you want to happen.

When you take responsibility for your desires and communicate them well, a relationship has much more chemistry, connection, and mutual fulfillment. You know about and negotiate any issues; there is give and take. And no one is walking around resentful and depressed.

Think about Peter and Marla for a moment. She had desires she wanted fulfilled in her relationship with Peter. But she thought Peter was responsible for knowing what her desires were and for taking the first step toward fulfilling them. She shifted the responsibility for what she wanted from her to him; she thought her “wants” were his problem, not hers. When he did not solve her problem, when she felt sad or resentful, she saw it as Peter’s responsibility to figure out what she was feeling and do something about it. Ultimately, this proved too much for him to do.

To have a relationship that works well, we should communicate our wants not outwardly, but inwardly. We should have a “responsibility” talk with ourselves before we have a “talk” with another person. Here are some of the things we will need to do:

• Own our “want”—be honest about what we want and be aware that our desire is our responsibility.
• Own the feelings that occur when our desire is not getting met—if we are sad, we needs to tell other people, not wait for them to figure it out.
• Choose to communicate and move toward other people to let our wants be known.
• Communicate desire, not demand.

We always have to look at ourselves first to make sure we are doing our part correctly. This is particularly true with wants and desires; others do not magically know what we want, and they need to be told in ways they can accept. So the first conversation has to take place inside.

Freedom is essential to a good relationship. If we’re not free, we can’t love. If people feel as though they can’t say “no” to us and if they do things for us out of compulsion, guilt, or feelings of obligation, they will resent doing those things. If we ask for things we want in ways that make someone feel as though “no” is not okay with us, the relationship turns into a control battle. Freedom and love suffer, and even fulfilled desires can’t fully satisfy because they are not given in love.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

By

Men and the Illusion of Anger

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2016/09/07/men-and-the-illusion-of-anger/

by Gentle Path at The Meadows

Note: The following is a partial transcript of a Facebook Live Presentation Dan Griffin, MA, Senior Fellow at The Meadows, did on August 26, 2016. You can find the recorded video version on his Facebook page.

First and foremost, let me be very clear about what I mean by “the illusion of men’s anger,” because I can already hear some people saying, “The illusion of men’s anger?! My father’s anger, my mother’s anger, my husband’s, my partner’s anger is not an illusion, Dan! It’s not an illusion when the person is yelling at me, it’s not an illusion when the person is hitting me, it’s not an illusion when the person is acting violently toward me.”

I absolutely agree with you. That is not the intention of this conversation.

The purpose of this conversation is to get at the root of what’s behind men’s anger and to share thoughts on how we can all interact with one another in a more authentic way.

This is a personal topic for me. I’ve been an “angry man.” I’ve had a lot of problems with anger. But, has anger really been the issue for me? That’s the question I really think all men should ask themselves if they want to be able to heal the impact that anger has had on their relationships—their relationship with self, their relationships with others, and their relationships with the community.

Anger Is a Mask

I am far from perfect in this practice, but I hope that what I’m learning about myself and my anger might be helpful for some of the men—and some of the women—out there.

The truth is I’m not angry.

I act angry, but often, what I really am feeling is fear. Or, I’m feeling insecure, or I’m dealing with other feelings and they are coming out as anger because I haven’t allowed myself to feel things or taken the time to process what’s really going on.

This is important because as men we are often backed into a corner with our feelings. We’re told that the only feeling that’s socially acceptable for us, the only one that you’re not going to be shamed for is anger. “Yeah, he’s angry, but at least he’s not crying like a little baby. “

He’s acting angry because there’s no space for him to talk about his fear.

Emotional Authenticity vs. Anger Management

Why does that matter? We talk a lot about anger management, and we talk about the problems men have with anger. I don’t think the solution to men’s problem with anger is teaching them “anger management.” I think the solution is helping them to have a better connection to self, better connections to others, and the space and permission for authentic emotional expression.

I care deeply about my relationships. But, I didn’t have the best model for how a man can be open and vulnerable in relationships so I’m still learning how to do that. What I’m beginning to realize is that anger has never really been the issue for me. The issue is how deeply I experience and feel things—how emotional I am, how quickly I feel sad, how quickly I feel afraid, how quickly I feel insecure. The more that I can stay true to those feeling and experiences, the easier it is for me to navigate.

Although, if I allow myself to feel afraid, and to express that to others, I still have to deal with the shame that comes along with the fear. Like a lot of men, I didn’t really have anybody when I was growing up who told me that it was okay for a man to feel afraid and that it was okay for a man to feel sad. So, I have to work through all of this shame and stuff I have in my head about that.

But, the more I feed my authentic self, the more the anger dissipates. That’s not “anger management;” that’s emotional congruence. It’s emotional authenticity. We don’t “manage” the anger. The anger just dissolves. The anger dissipates when it’s just smoke that hides my true self.

Permission to Be Your Authentic Self

So, for men, the challenge is for us to be able to find permission to be the men we really are.

Who are you? Who are you in each of your relationships, who are you in each of your experiences? Are you aware of how you’re feeling? Can you take a deep breath? Can you look below the surface of what’s beneath the anger?

When you feel the anger rising, can you stop before you say or do anything, and find the space to recognize your true feelings? If you feel afraid, can you say to yourself, “I feel afraid, and when I feel afraid I feel weak, and when I feel weak I feel ashamed?” And can you recognize that deciding what to do with those feelings is nobody’s problem but yours?

When I feel sad, I feel ashamed and I feel embarrassed. I feel like there’s something wrong with me as a man—but that’s not true. That’s the illusion of men’s anger.

Real Change is Possible

When men act out in anger there’s no illusion to it. It can destroy; it can hurt; it can damage. The illusion is us thinking that if we just manage men’s anger, it’s going to get better—that if we just create programs that are about men having to control their behavior, it’s going to get better.

Things will change when…

  • we raise boys to be open and authentic in how they express themselves,
  • we create safe places for men to be open and authentic in how they express themselves, and
  • we coach and support men in all their relationships to be the man that they desperately want to be.

If you struggle with anger, take some time to just take a deep breath and notice what other emotions are coming up. Find someone you trust that you can talk to about those challenges you are feeling on a regular basis. Someone who will understand when you say that you noticed how afraid you were feeling or how shame came up for you and will respond with compassion and understanding.

And then when you do act angry, you can go back and you clean it up because you took the time to reflect on what you were really feeling and to see the illusion of your anger.

It’s not about doing it perfectly, it’s about doing it consciously. That’s the gift.

Learn More with Dan

If you’re a mental health professional or clinician who’d like some tips on how to address the unique needs of men in trauma treatment, be sure to sign up for Dan’s FREE webinar on The Man Rules & The Principles of Recovery. It’s happening on September 14, 2016; 11 a.m. – 12:30 Pacific (2 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Eastern).

If you’re a man in recovery, who’s ready to take it up a notch, and transform your experience of recovery register for A Man’s Way Retreat at the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows. During the five-day intensive, Dan will lead you through activities, group sessions, and mindfulness exercises focused on taking your recovery – and your life – to the next level. The next session is coming up October 3 – 7, 2016. To register call 800-244-4949, and ask about the limited-time 25 percent discount offer!

By

Step 4 Resentments Topic: 4 Things Forgiveness Is Not (Part II)

Originally posted at: http://ignitedisciples.com/2016/08/29/4-things-forgiveness-is-not-part-ii/

by Jon Kragel

“…God’s grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver… From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can “just forgive” the perpetrator… But when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the dept. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then is costly.” Tim Keller

Forgiveness can be costly. But choosing not to forgive can and will be more harmful to your heart in the long run. Next week, we will take a look at a biblical definition and discussion of what true forgiveness looks like, but for today, I want to continue our clarification on what forgiveness is NOT…

Last week, I shared that forgiveness is NOT forgetting what happened. If forgetfulness is our goal, we will be sadly disappointed. Also, forgiveness is NOT absent of consequences. For a deeper look into these concepts, read here. Let’s look at two more ways to F.A.I.L. at forgiveness.

3. Forgiveness is NOT Ignoring the pain.

Trying to ignore the pain that comes with forgiving someone is like shaking up a can of soda and not expecting it to explode when you open it. The hurts, pains, suffering, and debts in our life often leave scars. I had ACL replacement surgery in my knee back in 2004. I still see the scar every time I bend down to tie my shoe. While Jesus rose from the dead to provide victory over sin, He still had scars in His hands and feet from wear the nails went it during the crucifixion. While some scars are physical, more common are the scars that are etched into our memories, emotions, and our minds. We can have relational scars, and sometimes spiritual scars.

Here’s the thing… scars might describe our past, but they do not determine our present, and they do not dictate our future. Psalm 23 does not say that we walk around the valley of the shadow of death, but rather we walk through valley of the shadow of death, because we have God with us. Stop trying to ignore the pain. Forgiveness is not ignoring the pain, but rather forgiveness is born from the center of our pain.

4. Forgiveness is NOT a License to keep on sinning.

John Piper once said, “Jesus did not come to simply cover sin, but to conquer sin.” Forgiveness is the first step to reconciliation, but reconciliation requires both parties to be involved. Your relationship with the person might not be reconciled immediately (two way), but you can choose to forgive that person now (one way). We should ultimately seek reconciliation and a restored relationship, but understand that forgiveness is just the first step. When you forgive someone, you’re not saying that it’s okay for that person to do the same thing again and again. An interesting contrast can be found in Galatians 6:2 and 6:5. In verse two, we’re called to bear one another’s burdens, but in verse five, everyone must carry their own load. Notice that each person is required to take responsibilities for their own actions (load), but Christians can support and help each other through various difficult problems and circumstances (burdens). Don’t enable a person to continue making poor choices, but rather encourage them to follow the ways of God.

Romans 6:1-2
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom’s sake that Christ died to set us free.

We’re not called as Christians to be victims. We’re called to be victorious. We’re not called to be cowards. We’re called to be courageous. Forgiveness is often not  about the consequences of the person’s actions against you. Instead, forgiveness is about God’s greater sacrifice already made for your sins and the sins of the person who hurt you. Free yourself through learning to forgive others, trusting that any power to forgive comes from the fact that Christ first forgave us. Next week, we’ll dive deeper into what it means to forgive, as I will offer practical steps and suggestions that can help you learn to forgive someone, but for today, remember that…

Forgiveness is NOT (F.A.I.L.)

  • Forgetting what happened.
  • Absent of consequences.
  • Ignoring the pain.
  • License to keep on sinning.

What thoughts, comments, and questions do you have on the topic of forgiveness? Please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me at jkragel@northridge.org, and I will try to address questions in next week’s post. Thanks for taking the time to read this article, and I hope that you found it helpful.

Make it a great day, and God bless!

Jon Kragel
High School Pastor
North Ridge Community Church

By

Step 4 Resentments Topic: 4 Things Forgiveness Is NOT (Part I)

Originally posted at: http://ignitedisciples.com/2016/08/22/4-things-forgiveness-is-not-part-i/

by Jon Kragel

No one says when they were a child, I want to grow up to be a bitter, jaded, angry person, who spends his days hoping for revenge…but the reality is life is tough. We’re in a broken, sinful world, where we go through trials, tribulations, and difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, there are times when people hurt us. But thankfully, we have a God who has saved us from this world, and while we hurt Him… nailed Him to the cross even… He if faithful and just to forgive. And as I stand in the freedom and light found only His forgiveness, I can find it in my heart to forgive those who hurt me. In this three week blog series, I want to talk about the challenges we face when trying to forgive someone who has hurt us. Conflict is inevitable. Growth is optional. I believe if we learn these principles, discuss them with our kids, and apply them on a regular basis, we will be better in our relationships.

Forgive – to cancel a debt

We can forgive others because Christ first forgave us. He cancels our debt because our sins were paid on the cross. Canceling a debt does not mean the debt does not exist, but rather, you don’t expect the other person to pay it any longer. In week three of this blog series, I will talk more about a biblical definition and description of what it means to forgive. I will also offer four steps to forgiving someone. Now, in these first two weeks, however, I wanted to clarify what forgiveness is NOT. You see, one of my hangups over the years in forgiving people is my faulty understanding of forgiveness. I felt that if I forgave someone, I was saying what that person did was okay. That is simply not the case. Forgiveness is the first step to trust and reconciliation, but forgiveness is not the only step to reconciliation. They are not exclusively the same thing. If you want to truly forgive someone, then avoid that these four ideas. If you want to F.A.I.L. at forgiving someone, then try doing these four things.

1. Forgiveness is NOT Forgetting what happened.

You might have heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but while that saying may be commonplace, it’s not practical. In understanding Scripture, we have to match premise with reality. We have to match principle with practice. For example, Isaiah 43:25 does say that God “remembers our sins no more,” but God is also omnipotent and omniscient, meaning He’s all-powerful and all-knowing. If God forgets something, then He is not God. What does this verse mean then? God does not “forget” our sins, but rather, He does not act toward us in light of our past sins once they are forgiven. Face it… the reality is that you will not forget anytime soon if someone hurts you deeply. It’s okay. Acknowledge what the person did. Recognize how it hurt you. The key is to treat a person in light of God’s grace for them, and not light of your pain from them. Forgiveness is more about obedience we follow than an emotion we feel.

2. Forgiveness is NOT Absent of consequences.

Colin Powell once said, “You can’t make someone else’s choices. You shouldn’t let someone else make yours.” Choices have consequences, and even though you might forgive someone, that does not mean that consequences will not soon follow. When parenting children, you might forgive their actions, but disobedience still requires consequences. Consequences are a part of training up children and maturing them into fully functioning productive adults. Consequences are also found in the Bible. While God has forgiven many sins throughout the Bible, many “godly” characters still faced severe consequences because of their sin. Moses couldn’t enter the Promise Land because of sin. David’s kingdom was diminished, people lost their lives, and he lost ministry because of his sinful relationship with Bathsheba. Solomon, who was considered to be the wisest person to ever live, lost his kingdom and his house became divided because of repeated sexual sin. Consequences happen. Spiritual forgiveness, does not negate earthly consequences. Present day consequences can look like broken homes, broken relationships, custody battles, and filling for bankruptcy (to name a few examples). But know that in the midst of all these consequences, God still works, and forgiveness is still possible. God still shows His grace and mercy. How do I know that sin always has consequences?  I know because the greatest consequence of all history happened when Christ died on a cross as payment for OUR sins. God takes sin seriously, and we should, too.

What do you think? How is it helpful to know that forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting? How is it helpful to know that forgiveness does not negate consequences? How will you discuss these truths with your kids? I’m always open for more discussion on the topic, and I would love to hear your feedback. Stay tuned to next week’s post as we share two more things forgiveness is NOT.

God bless,

Jon Kragel
High School Pastor
North Ridge Community Church
jkragel@northridge.org