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7 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Angry

SOURCE:  Bob McCully/Thriveworks

Everyone gets angry, but some of us get angry more often and with greater intensity than most people. If you’re one of those people, here are some questions to ask yourself that might lead to less anger.

Am I truly understanding the other person?

Perhaps you misunderstood. Maybe you assumed inaccurately that he or she intended to hurt you with their comment. Maybe you really got angry because her posture reminded you of that teacher years ago who used to berate you. Stop and think.

Are my expectations reasonable?

Larry grew up in a household where his Mom was a full-time housewife. She cleaned every day and expected him to help. Now his wife works full-time and they have a 2-year-old son. He gets angry at her when anything is out of place. Is he being reasonable? Sarah expected her adult daughter to call her every day. Is that realistic? Examine your expectations, and change them, if appropriate.

Am I angry at the right person?

Stress can build up from a hundred little annoyances during the day. You’re angry at your boss, but you can’t express it or you’ll lose your job. The weather is cloudy and cold; the traffic is slow and irritating on the way home. Then when your son leaves his bicycle in the driveway, you blow up. Breathe deeply. Focus on the present moment.

Is my anger getting me what I want?

Alex spent much of his time at home yelling at his wife and his children. What he wanted was a cooperative family. What he was getting was a distant relationship with everyone. His wife was contemplating divorce. His children resented him and never talked to him for fear that he would start yelling. If anger is not working, try calm dialogue.

Is my anger out of proportion to the offense?

Teresa had a way of making mountains out of molehills. Every little inconvenience was a great catastrophe that she complained angrily about to her friends. Her friends learned to tune her out or avoid her. For this kind of anger, the deeper question is, are you going to spend your life angry because the world does not conform to your needs, or are you going to accept the fact that real life circumstances are often inconvenient and sometimes difficult? Accept life as it is.

How are they feeling?

That is, how are the objects of your wrath feeling? Are your children feeling oppressed and unloved? Is your employee feeling hopeless and frustrated? Is your spouse feeling irritated and resentful? Empathy can make us stop in our tracks and try a different strategy.

Can I really change this situation?

You are only one person in a great big world. You have some power, but it is limited. You may be wasting your energy being angry. Twelve step groups use this helpful prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.” Practice wisdom, not anger.

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Bob McCully is a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks Counseling Charlotte.

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Get in the Recovery Zone

Originally posted at: https://themeadowsiop.wordpress.com/2016/08/11/get-in-the-recovery-zone/

by The Meadows Iop

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By Aleah Johnson, Alumni Coordinator at The Meadows

It’s hard to believe we are already halfway through summer! This time of year can be a glorious one for some and stressful one for others. Many people have kids who are out of school, family trips and vacations, and longer days with an abundance of activities to take part in.

With the heating up of temperatures and the heating up of schedules, we must make the time to take extra care of our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. This is especially true for people in recovery.

The Recovery Zones

At The Meadows, we encourage working the process of recovery zones. You may find yourself sliding in out of each of these zones throughout your recovery, and that’s okay! Anytime you feel that you are getting off track, take the time to assess and re-enter any of the zones.

Recovery Zone

Stay in the Zone!

Recovery has its challenges, but so does everyday life – life is in session and we all know that some days get ahead of us. Sometimes, “trust the process” is easier said than done. However, we must not let that skew our recovery. Don’t let one day throw you off track. It is important for us to stick to this path and stick to the journey.

Do what you can do to live a long and healthy life; this will help not only you, but also others in recovery. We have all spent too many past years being active in our lives but not actually living it with purpose; you are worthy of a life you love.

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ARE YOU ADDICTED TO PORN?

In today’s world, porn addiction is the most common form of sexual addiction. Without doubt, this is thanks to the Internet, which offers an almost endless supply of free, easily and anonymously accessible erotic imagery of every ilk imaginable. For porn addicts, the Internet is a bit like dropping an alcoholic in a liquor store and saying, “Everything is free, drink as much as you like, and nobody will know what you’ve been up to.”

In general, porn addiction is defined based on the same criteria as every other addiction:

  • Preoccupation to the point of obsession
  • Loss of control over use, most often evidenced by failed attempts to quit or cut back
  • Directly related negative life consequences, including ruined relationships, problems at work or in school, depression, isolation, shame, loss of interest in previously enjoyable hobbies and activities, declining physical health, financial woes, legal trouble, etc.

Research tells us that active porn addicts typically spend at least eleven hours per week with pornography. And many compulsive porn users say they “lose themselves” in porn for double or even triple that amount of time. Unsurprisingly, most of these hours are spent online, with addicts perusing traditional porn websites, tube sites, dating sites, social media, hookup apps, etc., constantly searching for the perfect image or video, or at least the newest image or video. Yes, traditional forms of pornography still exist—magazines, books, DVDs, adult bookstores, adult theaters, and the like—but digital-era porn addicts nearly always prefer the anonymity, affordability, accessibility, and, most of all, the never-ending variety they can find online.

Common signs that porn use has escalated into porn addiction include:

  • Increasing amounts of time spent searching for, viewing, masturbating to, exchanging, and/or organizing pornography
  • Continued porn use despite promises made to yourself (or others) to stop
  • Continued porn use despite directly related negative life consequences
  • Viewing progressively more arousing, intense, or bizarre sexual content
  • Lying about, keeping secrets about, and covering up the nature and extent of your porn use
  • “Losing time” with porn (intending to go online for a few minutes and then realizing, many hours later, that you are still online)
  • Shame about the amount and/or types of porn you are using
  • Depression and/or anxiety related to your porn use
  • Social and emotional isolation
  • Reduced or total loss of interest in real-world sexual relationships
  • Anger or irritability if asked to stop using porn
  • Masturbation (in conjunction with porn use) to the point of abrasions or injury
  • Sexual dysfunction (erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, inability to reach orgasm) with real world partners but not with pornography
  • Escalation from two-dimensional images and videos to casual/anonymous hookups, prostitutes, webcams, affairs, etc.
  • Drug and alcohol abuse/addiction/relapse in conjunction with (or in response to) porn use

Sadly, most porn addicts are reluctant to seek help for their problem, often because they don’t view their solo sexual behaviors as an underlying source of their ever-increasing life problems. Other times, porn addicts keep quiet because they are too ashamed of their behavior to openly discuss it. Sometimes, as consequences begin to mount, compulsive porn users seek treatment for their addiction’s related symptoms (relationship woes, depression, social isolation, and the like) rather than the porn problem itself. In such cases, these individuals may attend therapy and other 12-step groups for months or even years without ever mentioning or being asked about porn use. As such, their core issue remains underground and untreated, and their symptoms grow worse instead of better.

Written By: Robert Weiss

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How to Forgive When It’s Hard to Forget

Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

“I know I’m supposed to forgive,” a woman to me (Dr. Cloud) at a recent seminar. “But, I just can’t open myself up to that kind of hurt anymore. I know I should forgive him and trust him, but if I let him back in, the same thing will happen, and I can’t go through that again.”

“Who said anything about ‘trusting’ him?” I asked. “I don’t think you should trust him either.”

“But you said I was supposed to forgive him, and if I do that, doesn’t that mean giving him another chance? Don’t I have to open up to him again?”

“No, you don’t,” I replied. “Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. In fact, that’s part of your problem. Every time he’s done this, he’s come back and apologized, and you have just accepted him right back into your life, and nothing has changed. You trusted him, nothing was different, and he did it again. I don’t think that’s wise.”

“Well,” she asked, “How can I forgive him without opening myself up to being hurt again?”

Good question. We hear this problem over and over again. People have been hurt, and they do one of two things. Either they confront the other person about something that has happened, the other person says he’s sorry, and they forgive, open themselves up again, and blindly trust. Or, in fear of opening themselves up again, they avoid the conversation altogether and hold onto the hurt, fearing that forgiveness will make them vulnerable once again.

How do you resolve this dilemma?

The simplest way to help you to organize your thoughts as you confront this problem is to remember three points:

1. Forgiveness has to do with the past. Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against her. It is letting it go. It only takes one to offer forgiveness. And just as God has offered forgiveness to everyone, we are expected to do the same (see Matthew 6:12&18:35).

2. Reconciliation has to do with the present. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile.

3. Trust has to do with the future. It deals with both what you will risk happening again and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again (see Matthew 3:8; Proverbs 4:23).

You could have a conversation that deals with two of these issues, or all three. In some good boundary conversations, you forgive the other person for the past, reconcile in the present, and then discuss what the limits of trust will be in the future. The main point is this: Keep the future clearly differentiated from the past.

As you discuss the future, you clearly delineate what your expectations are, what limits you will set, what the conditions will be, or what the consequences (good or bad) of various actions will be. As the proverb says, “A righteous man is cautious in friendship” (see Proverbs 12:26). Differentiating between forgiveness and trust does a number of things:

First, you prevent the other person from being able to say that not opening up again means you are “holding it against me.”

Second, you draw a clear line from the past to the possibility of a good future with a new beginning point of today, with a new plan and new expectations. If you have had flimsy boundaries in the past, you are sending a clear message that you are going to do things differently in the future.

Third, you give the relationship a new opportunity to go forward. You can make a new plan, with the other person potentially feeling cleansed and feeling as though the past will not be used to shame or hurt him. As a forgiven person, he can become an enthusiastic partner in the future of the relationship instead of a guilty convict trying to work his way out of relational purgatory. And you can feel free, not burdened by bitterness and punitive feelings, while at the same time being wise about the future.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Dating, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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Wife killed in head-on crash while pursuing her husband in another vehicle

Originally posted at: http://abc13.com/news/wife-killed-in-head-on-crash-while-chasing-husband/793464/

Saturday, July 23, 2016

HOUSTON (KTRK) —

A woman is dead in a tragic car accident in northeast Houston, after she struck another vehicle head-on. And she was apparently chasing her own husband at the time.

The accident happened at 4pm Thursday in the 13000 block of Wallisville Road. According to the Harris County Sheriff’s Office, Nancy De Acosta was driving eastbound, while following her husband and his mistress in another car. Authorities say Nancy tried to force her husband’s car off the road, but lost control and spun into the path of an oncoming SUV, slamming into it nearly head-on.

Nancy De Acosta died at the scene. The driver of the SUV sustained severe injuries and was taken by Life Flight to Memorial Hermann Hospital. Nancy’s husband Fredy Acosta and the woman with him were unhurt.