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A Letter to Dad (From a Girl that Got Trapped by Pornography)

Originally posted on http://www.covenanteyes.com/2012/08/03/for-women-who-struggle

A Letter to Dad (From a Girl Who Got Trapped by Pornography)

Posted on August 3, 2012 by Guest Author

by Jessica Harris

I don’t blame him anymore; for a while, I did. He left, so it was easy to pin everything on him. My anger, insecurity and porn addiction could be traced back to one man—the man who left this daddy’s girl without a dad. The years have helped me see my choices are my own, just as his were his own. But things might have been different if he had never left.

I thought I was fine without a dad, but five years ago, God brought a ‘second dad’ into my life. This man and his wife took me into their hearts as one of their own. He avidly pursued my healing and restoration. Having gone through that experience, I think I speak for every daughter when I say, “Dad, we need you.”

There is something unique and incredibly powerful about the love between a father and daughter. When I talk with women who struggle with pornography, or even women in the porn industry, many (though not all) speak of having an absent father. It was not always divorce or a single-parent home. Sometimes dad was there but just not involved—too wrapped up in his job or even his ministry to take the time needed to nurture his daughter’s heart.

If a dad is disconnected, it leaves that little girl searching to fill that void. Yes, we could turn to God, but in a society full of sexed-up men and empowered women, it is far easier to run to lust. It is not enough to simply live in the same house. Your daughter needs your presence more than she needs you present.

So, how can you protect her from pornography and lust in a world that is out to conquer, destroy and use her?

Be a living reflection of God’s heart

Be…

Godly. You are her gateway to understanding God as a Heavenly Father. The way you treat her colors her view of how God views her. Paint the clearest picture of Him that you can. Hint: you’ll probably need His help.

Overtly-Protective. Overtly means to be obvious. Think of it as mirroring God’s jealous love. She is your daughter; protect her and be obvious about it. Yes, guard what she sees on TV, what she does on her phone or on the computer, but also protect her heart.

Determined. Your daughter is living in the middle of a world that is determined to get her. There are men in her life determined to wear down on her morality. There are women in her life determined to stretch her boundaries. Sin is actively pursuing your daughter’s heart. You need to be purposeful in keeping it.

Sexually pure. By all means, love your wife; the world needs good godly marriages, but please, ditch the porn. Boys will not be boys, and it is not OK. If you view women as objects for your desire, that is how you will treat them. You cannot protect her from pornography and lust if you are the one letting it into the house.

Her Hero. When’s the last time you rescued her? This is a lot easier to do with younger girls. All it takes is a cardboard sword to be her knight in shining armor. When they get older, it involves changing a flat in the pouring rain or purposefully rescuing her from a bad day at work. She needs to know you are there for her and that she matters to you.

Engaged. It’s not being nosy; it’s love. Know what’s going on in her life. Put away the laptop, ministry notes, office transcripts, tool box, golf clubs, and hunting gear long enough to know your daughter. Know what she knows. Know her friends and be aware of situations where temptation may come.

Approachable. What if she messes up, dad? Are you someone she is comfortable approaching or would you fly off the handle? If she is afraid to ask for help, she will retreat and often turn to things like fantasy or erotica in order to escape. Be approachable; pray with her. Show her what it looks like to turn to God in our times of need, because He is always approachable.

Real. This may seem bizarre but porn offers false connections—a false reality. Porn is full of ‘perfect people.’ She needs real people, not perfect people. My friend Matt Fradd just released a DVD on being a real man. Real men do not necessarily cry, and they do not actually have to wear pink. Real men love the Lord and embrace His calling on their lives. They experience failure, joy, pain, sorrow, victory, loss, hope—humanity. Let her see how you handle the reality of life.

The man you want her to marry. Many of you just cracked out the shotgun and said, “No one is coming anywhere near my baby girl!” Chances are some man will win her heart. Whether good or bad, she will likely end up marrying someone like you. Be the kind of man you want her to marry.

It isn’t a foolproof formula, because we live in a fallen world. There are women who have fallen to porn while growing up in great Christian homes with a loving Christian father. They fell just because. ‘Just because’ does not happen much, but if ‘just because’ does happen, you want to be the father that can help rescue his little girl from pornography. Do not give up on her, Dad. Do not ever believe that she is in the clear. Never walk away. As long as she is your little girl, she is going to need you.

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A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction

A Pastor’s Struggle With Sex and Porn Addiction
by Michael John Cusick
Posted: 09/21/2012  7:16 am

I’ve been counseling men with pornography and sex addictions for more than 20 years. Before that, I was one of them.

In my line of work, barely a day goes by that I don’t hear a story about a man or woman who has lost something dear — their marriage, family relationships, job, ministry, reputation, self-respect — because of pornography. Of course, when we experience such loss, it also affects spouses, children, friends, congregations and communities. Everyone loses when it comes to porn.

It’s tempting to think that there’s nothing wrong with a porn habit — that no one gets hurt. We think we’re protecting our spouse by not telling them. We think we’re providing ourselves with a respite from a stressful day. No matter how we justify or rationalize it, in two decades of counseling, not one (person) has told me that pornography made them a better husband, wife, father, parent, employee or friend.

My own addiction to porn and illicit sex began in high school, and held me firmly in its grip for decades. No matter how close I came to getting caught, I always managed to jump in the manure and come out smelling like a rose. While working in church ministry in my mid-20s, my addiction was nearly exposed in a newspaper story about a raid on an escort service. But even that didn’t lead to change. I might stop for a time, vow to mend my ways, tear up my porn magazines, but eventually the insatiable urge would return.

On a cold winter night in 1994, obsessed with my next fix, I began my typical ritual of acting out sexually. I sat in a familiar parking lot of a XXX bookstore, unusually troubled by the routine I was about to perform even though I had carried it out too many times to count. I had a beautiful wife at home, but she was the last thing on my mind.

Less than a block from the porn shop sat a century-old cathedral. Without warning, an impulse to set foot in that house of worship overwhelmed me. I walked toward the edifice, hiked the tall steps and opened the monolithic oak doors.  I sat in the back row of pews. The silence was terrifying. In that space, I reconnected with something I had lost — my true self. The part of me that wanted more than compulsion, shame and despair.

That evening was the beginning of the end. Only a few months later, my wife caught me in a lie, and my double life was completely exposed. It was the worst day of my life. The truth of my actions unleashed a tsunami of pain and betrayal upon her. She was in shock, confused and angry. I slept on the floor that night — and many nights following — as she cried herself to sleep behind a locked bedroom door.

It was also the best day of my life. Though I was shattered, it was the day I finally understood Jesus’ words recorded in the gospel of John: the truth shall set you free. With nothing to hide anymore, my failure, infidelity and brokenness became a life preserver lifting me out of an ocean of shame and isolation onto the solid ground of recovery and healing.

Eighteen years later, my greatest failure has become my greatest gift. I am married to the same woman and today we enjoy a life I couldn’t have imagined.

My message to those who are in the snares of sexual compulsion is two-fold. First, you can be free and whole. Trying to manage and white knuckle this issue is not as good as it gets. Others have walked a trusted path to healing and recovery, you can too. Start by deciding you will come out of the shadows and into the light. Talk with a friend, professional counselor or Twelve-Step Group like Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Second, sexual compulsions are not actually about sex. Almost a century ago, G.K. Chesterton wrote that the man who knocks on the brothel door is knocking for God. If he were writing today, he might say that the man who surfs online for porn is surfing for God. Consider what the Apostle Paul wrote in Corinthians that “sex is more than mere skin on skin. It is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact” (1 Corinthians 6:16, MSG).

Beyond bodies seeking and experiencing sexual pleasure, all of us reach toward some spiritual mystery we cannot see, touch or comprehend physically. Maybe this is why we describe great sex as “spiritual” and utter “Oh God!” during climax. To deny the spiritual hunger hidden within the sexual impulse is to set ourselves up for a never-ending cycle that only leads to desperation, despair and bondage.

God is not mad at you if you are struggling with sexual compulsion. In fact, that secret, hidden place of your greatest struggle, failure or shame is exactly where God wants to meet you and give you a great gift. I should know. It happened to me.

Michael John Cusick is the author of “Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle” (Thomas Nelson, Inc.). An ordained minister, spiritual director and Licensed Professional Counselor, he is the founder of Restoring the Soul, a ministry providing soul care to Christian leaders. Michael currently serves as an adjunct professor at Denver Seminary. He holds an M.A. in Biblical Counseling from Colorado Christian University and an M.A. from the College of Education at the University of Denver. Michael lives with his wife, Julianne, and two children, in Littleton, Colorado.

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Help! My Kids Have Looked at Porn!

Originally posted 9/20/2012

This is an unfortunate event/statement that most, if not all parents (in today’s sexualized American culture) will make.  The key is how we, as parents, respond to the issue of our children either being exposed to pornography or purposely viewing pornography.  Below are some recommended points for us to follow when that day comes.

1. Control Your Anger

Being angry is ok, it’s what we do with that anger that defines us.  Be angry at the pornography, not your child.  Statistics show that 93% of boys and 62% of girls will be exposed to pornography before the age of 18.  It is not a question of “if” your child will be exposed to porn, but “when” your child is exposed to porn.

2. Go after their Heart, not their Behavior

Try to get to the root of the issue, your child’s heart.  Don’t condemn their behavior, but try to help them figure out why they looked at pornography in the first place.  Have compassion on your child and understand that our culture is so sexualized that it is nearly impossible to shield them from pornography.

3. Keep a Discussion Going about Sex

What a better way to start discussing sex and true intimacy than to have the door slammed open with discovery of your child’s viewing of pornography.  This may not be the preferred method, but God can use this to open that “sex talk” door that many parents dread.  Keep openly discussing healthy sexuality with your child.  Hopefully, with trust and time, they will come to you for advice, not their friends or the internet.

4. Examine Your Own Heart

Parents, you will not be able to teach your child about healthy sexuality if you yourself are not practicing what you preach!  Fathers, God will not be able fully work through you to help your child if you are engaging in sexually immoral behavior.  Also, God may use your child’s struggle with pornography to help you examine your own sexual behaviors.  Use this time to come to Christ for forgiveness and live in His grace.  We are not perfect, but let God work through us to help our children by keeping our own hearts pure.

5. Blocking the Doors

Take steps place restrictions on TV, Internet, Movies, etc…  This may mean you are forced to install an “unwanted” filter on all of your computers and internet-ready devices.  Don’t look at filters negatively and lie to yourself by saying “my child would never purposely look at pornography, or my spouse isn’t tempted to look at porn.”  Be proactive!  If filters have not been previously installed, then do so now.

6. Don’t Let Up nor Give Up

Don’t stop talking to your kids about healthy sexuality and don’t give up on supervising your children after you think you’ve failed at protecting them from pornography.  God can use what the enemy meant for evil for His good purpose.  Use this opportunity to grow together and engage your children.  Keep asking them questions on purity, check the filters, check the websites, phones, etc…  Don’t think the battle is over because you had one talk about the subject.

The above points were taken from the PDF file linked below from the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding (CPYU).  Please take the time to read the entire PDF as it has a tremendous amount of information for you to use in engaging your children on the issues of pornography!  Also, please visit www.cpyu.org for more information on today’s youth culture.

My Kids Have Looked At Porn – PDF

A copy of the above PDF can be found under the Castimonia resources tab.

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Do You Struggle with Sexual Purity?

One of the issues I come across in this ministry is speaking to men not in support, accountability, or recovery groups about sexual purity and the struggle.  Many men say to me that they don’t have a problem with sexual purity, that everything is “Ok” or that they don’t need a support group for their sexual purity issues.

So how does a man, not in a support group, recovery, or accountability group know whether they are sexually pure or have a struggle with maintaining sexual purity?  I’ve listed some activities that may seem normal (thanks to today’s mainstream society and the sexualization of America) to these men, but in reality are signs that sexual immorality is in your heart, mind, and soul.  We can all strive to be like Joseph when tempted by Potiphar’s wife (illustration to the right) but we need support and accountability along the way!

Here are some questions for you to ask yourself.  Or better yet, have someone you trust ask you these questions.  Be as honest as possible!

Do I look around at women in public places, taking second and third looks at an attractive woman?

Do I wish I could be with the attractive woman I just saw in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I imagine myself being with women I see in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I think of or fantasize about an attractive woman I saw earlier, either when I am alone or with others?

Do I look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

Do I make excuses to look at the SI swimsuit issue such as, I’m reading up on the latest sports or on my team?

Do I look through “fitness” magazines in order to look at the women in workout outfits?

Do I rationalize looking at “fitness” magazines saying I’m reading up on the latest workout/fitness trends?

Do I look through “Hot Rod”, “Maxim”, or other “Male Publications” and focus on the models in bikinis or suggestive outfits?

Do I look through women’s clothing catalogs?

Do I look through the Victoria’s Secret catalog?

Do I look through fashion magazines in order to look at the women who might wear seductive outfits or even appear nude?

Do I stare at billboards along the road as I drive and fantasize about the woman on the billboard?

Do I look over at other attractive female drivers and linger on them until I pass them by?

Do I purposely speed up or slow down in order to get alongside an attractive female driver on the road?

Do I purposely eat at restaurants where the waitresses wear skimpy outfits?

Do I visit websites that have photos of clothed models, either fully clothed or in swimsuits?

Do I visit message forums that post photos of models?

Do I visit social networking sites and look through the photos of attractive females on the sites?

Do I purposely walk by the lingerie or women’s underwear section of store without my wife present?

While in public, do I purposely change my course, or even set my course, because I see an attractive woman and want to walk by her?

The above questions are less-obvious examples of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.  If you answered “YES” to ANY of the above questions, you need to look into a support or accountability group.  The questions below are more telling of a problem with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I watch sexually suggestive television shows, including reality shows, sitcoms, cable and non-cable TV shows?

Do I watch sexually suggestive commercials on TV?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies such as American Pie type of movies?

Do I listen to sexually suggestive music or watch sexually suggestive music videos?

Do I watch sexually suggestive online videos or videos of girls in underwear or swimsuits?

Do I watch rated “R” movies that contain nudity alone or with my wife?  And if so, do I look at the nudity when it appears?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies and the nudity while alone?

If you answered YES to the preceding questions, then I strongly recommend you get into a support group before you go too far.  The questions below are definite signs of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I fantasize about or lust after other women while being physically sexual intimate with my wife?

Do I masturbate outside of physical sexual intimacy with my wife?

Do I engage in any sex outside of my marriage?

Do I look at “soft porn” magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain some sexual content or nudity?

Do I look at pornographic magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain full nudity or hardcore sexual material?

Do I surf the internet for pornography or try to circumvent any installed internet filters?

Do I surf the internet wanting to report sites not blocked by filters?

Do I visit sexually oriented business such as strip clubs, video stores, massage parlors?

Do I engage in sexually acting out with anonymous sex partners?

Do I engage in having a sexual or non-sexual affair?

Do I visit prostitutes, call girls, etc…?

Do I take extreme risks (being caught by police, public exposure, illegal activities) when acting out?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, you are in definite and immediate need of a sexual purity support and recovery group as well as counseling for your intimacy disorder which may an addiction.

Regardless at what level of sexual purity you might struggle, please be courageous enough to seek immediate help, either in a support, recovery, accountability group, or with a trained professional therapist!  Do it now, before it is too late!

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

(Originally posted in 2012)

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should encourage your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And encourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!