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codependency

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What is CODEPENDENCY?

Meaning

As simple as the name implies, Codependency is any kind of reliance which could be mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual, a need with another individual who likely would be a partner, friend, or a family member. Codependency typically includes very high self-sacrifice, an excessive focus on another individual’s needs in spite of suppression of one’s own emotions, and deliberate attempts to fix other people’s problems.

Signs

Dr. Exelberg said that “Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed”, which means that they enjoy giving their love and being relied upon by another person.  The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — the other person who is otherwise known as ‘the taker’ or ‘the enabler’. The issue is that it becomes difficult for ‘the giver’ to separate themselves from the relationship since they feel that the other person relies on them so much and asserting boundaries or not doing what is not even directly asked but probably just implied, puts them in the wrong. Here is a list of signs which you can check if you identify with:

  • Feeling sorry for your partner even when they hurt you
  • A sense of ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid conflict with your partner
  • Feeling the need to check in with your partner all the time and ask permission to do daily tasks
  • Often being the one who apologizes even if you have done nothing wrong
  • Doing anything and everything for your partner, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable
  • Putting your partner on a pedestal despite the fact that they don’t live up to your expectations
  • A need for your partner to like you in order to feel good about yourself
  • Struggling to find time for yourself because your free time consistently goes to attending to your partner
  • Feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of yourself or your identity specially inside the relationship.

Assuming that most of us would have identified with at least 3 or 4 points that were listed, I want to mention that, Codependency does not mean all the caring behavior or feelings but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree. It becomes codependency only when there is imbalance in the relationship that is, when responsibility of self becomes extremely low priority than responsibility for the relationship with partner.

Examples

It is very easy to fall into the cycle of codependency but very difficult to overcome one. And how does that cycle start or is it something that is present naturally? To be honest, codependency is normal for us as we all grow up. It is encouraged and is a part of our culture. We grow up watching our parents portray that our happiness and safety are dependent on another person’s happiness. We are taught that it is wrong to prioritize our well-being over other people’s happiness. Such learnings would have been what we call the first feelings of guilt associated with not being able to make another person happy or in short: not being useful to someone other than our own self. Most of us watch either of our parents basing their happiness on the other one’s mood and wellbeing. It becomes a belief for us and we carry such an engrained belief into our adulthood, that our partner’s well-being and happiness is our responsibility. Hence, our relationship with one of our parents usually translates into another codependent relationship with our partner, which in turn again only reaffirms our old belief. an example which most of us can relate to could be, a lot of women get into relationships with men who smoke or drink and believe that it is their job to make them sober. Movies and advertisements also are a part of this cultural reaffirmation. Women failing to get their partners sober, end up feeling like failures. Their self-worth takes a hit and they make their life about accomplishing different goals for their partners and then for their children, after failure to do so with their partner.

A few other common examples of codependency are:

  1. A father feeling inadequate because his children don’t ask him for advice because they are grown up
  2. A mother feeling disappointed that her child does not cry in her absence and eats food on his own without her needing to feed him/her.
  3. A man feeling inadequate that his partner does not take him to meetings with her friends and does not need him to enjoy such meetings or when his partner doesn’t need to seek suggestion or rather permission to make an important decision
  4. A woman feeling inadequate and useless when her partner gets used to caring for himself, not needing to be reminded of his daily tasks

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Enmeshment Means Codependents Lose Themselves

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/enmeshment-means-codependents-lose-themselves/

Codependency is not something you can take a pill for. It is not something that you can quickly shed like a winter jacket. Codependency is an issue that starts early in life and will continue until an awareness and will is found to change things. This will needs to be found because enmeshment is something that codependents frequently use to feel secure in a relationship. Recovery from codependency means in effect that a “new” person needs to be found. One that is confident and secure in their own skin. More on that later. First, let’s look at enmeshment and what it means.

Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other person does as well. A good example of this is when one partner gets anxious and depressed and the other in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed, one is not able to separate their emotional experience from that of the other.  

Enmeshment is a term mostly associated with family therapy and therapists often talk of the “enmeshed family” where there is a clear inappropriate involvement in each other’s lives and emotions are mirrored. It mostly occurs between parent and child and makes it hard for the child to become emotionally independent, instead feeling that the parent’s feelings are more important. This leads to codependency in adult relationship. The causes of family enmeshment are varied and could come from overprotection of the child after illness or a traumatic event. More often, it is generational due to family patterns being passed down and family boundaries being too fluid or too rigid. Often parents find it hard to let their children become independent and the parenting style is designed to keep the children close.

Enmeshment in relationships can happen between romantic partners (usually in codependent relationships), family members, friends, siblings as well as parents and children. It is in the area of codependency where I have seen it the most where codependents “lose” themselves in a relationship by mirroring the moods and decisions sensed from the other person.

“Healthy relationships are built on healthy emotional and physical boundaries,” explains Debra Roberts a licensed clinical social worker and communication expert. “People in healthy relationships are emotionally bonded, but they can function independently of each other. For example, they enjoy time alone and independent time with close friends. Someone in an enmeshed relationship is overly connected and needs to meet the other person’s needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and feelings,” explains Roberts. “Often, just the thought of being without the person can be anxiety-producing.”

This quote describes many codependents I have come across who throw everything at “the one” to ensure the relationship continues, losing the sense of their own needs at the same time. Codependents would generally not do anything without the approval of their partner and for them it is all “we” and not “me”. They also find it hard to have friendships outside of the relationship and friends tend to be “our” friends.

Sometimes, in romantic relationships, one person will put their partner on a pedestal and think their needs and feelings are more important than their own. They become emotionally overwhelmed when their partner is upset and they respond as if the emotion or situation is happening directly to them. They cannot relax until their partner is “OK”.

In the case of codependents, enmeshment with others means a line has been crossed. Not only is there an abandonment of Self but the other person is taught to abandon themselves as well. When the pain and emotions of others are taken on, we allow the other to lean on us in unhealthy ways, when there should be more focus on moving forward in their lives by becoming more responsible for how they think and what they do. This is a codependent’s dream situation and difficult to solve as they actively look for enmeshment.

What can be done about this when a codependent happily seeks enmeshment to feel worthy and part of something. The first step is awareness and this often comes for codependents from the outside, either a family member, friend or therapist recognising the issue or in the aftermath of a break up. As enmeshment is all about porous boundaries, the obvious solution to the problem is to learn to set and maintain them, something that with most codependents needs practice and support. Unfortunately, the kind of people that codependents become involved with are the kind that do not accept boundaries generally. Mostly, recovery from enmeshment in a romantic relationship might mean leaving the relationship to allow change to happen.

This change will not come overnight as it means learning new healthy ways of connecting with others, boundaries and relationship values for the first time. Enmeshment might also have taken a toll on self-esteem, sense of independence and general mental health.

It is hard work but valuable work.

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Recognizing Codependency in Our Relationships

Originally posted at: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/relationshipsandmentalillness/2021/9/recognizing-codependency-in-our-relationships

Codependency was a term I remember hearing as a teen but didn’t understand. What is the difference between offering and relying on support from a loved one in times of need and being codependent with that person? I’ve seen people in my life slip into this unhealthy relationship pattern and I understand now just how mental illness and trauma create the perfect environment for codependency to grow.

What is Codependency?

Codependency refers to an over-reliance on someone else whether it be in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family. It is when one person in a relationship acts as the giver or the enabler and takes on too much responsibility for the other’s needs at their own expense. The “taker” can’t function independently without the giver taking care of them. It becomes a cycle where one person needs the other and the other needs to be needed.1 Codependency is a common relationship pitfall when mental illness is involved.

People in codependent relationships don’t have healthy boundaries between themselves and others, and their identities become so enmeshed with the other that they lose their sense of individuality. According to Mental Health America, codependency can also be described as “relationship addiction.”2 When one or both people in the relationship has a mental illness, it’s all too easy to slice into codependency because there is already a reason for one person to rely too much on the other for support.3

How I Have Managed to Avoid Codependence in My Relationship

The topic of co-dependency came up between me and my partner this past week. There is a natural imbalance in our relationship because of my anxiety, and I seek more emotional support from him than he does from me. We could slip into co-dependency because of this inherent imbalance, but after eight years together, we haven’t crossed into that territory. We started to talk about what we do that protect our relationship from codependency. These are some of the things we do:

  • We have individual identities separate from our relationship. We are a unit made of two distinct individuals. We enjoy being together but we can also enjoy being apart. I have my own friends and interests and he has his.
  • We don’t need to ask each other for permission to do things without the other, nor is there any guilt involved in doing so. We tell each other about our plans out of consideration and because we want to, not because we have to.
  • He offers me support that empowers me to reach a place where I can help myself. He does not enable my self-defeating thoughts or behaviors by playing into them or trying to “rescue” me.
  • I offer him whatever support I can, even if the type of support he needs looks very different from the support I would need in the same situation.
  • He draws a clear boundary between my feelings and his which helps me when I begin to overidentify with his emotions. We don’t allow our emotions to become intertwined.
  • We communicate openly about our relationship. We feel safe bringing up concerns and stating what we need from each other. We listen to and value each other’s perspectives.

How Do You Know if Your Relationship Is Codependent?

My relationship has helped me find myself as an individual rather than lose my own identity, but I personally know many who lose themselves in their relationships or rely on a relationship to define or complete them. They also tend to struggle with the difference between co-dependency and care, support, and affection. If you are wondering whether your relationship is codependent, ask yourself these questions:

  • Who are you without this person? Can you answer this question?
  • How do you feel when you spend time apart? How do they feel?
  • Does one of you always seem to be making sacrifices for the other?
  • Do you make excuses for their actions even when you don’t agree? Do they make excuses for you?
  • Do either you or your partner use the other as their sole source of support?
  • Do you feel like you can’t function without them, or feel that they can’t function without you?

Even though the cycle of needing and being needed can feel rewarding in the short-term, codependent relationships can become abusive and make mental illness even worse by taking away your independence and identity.3

If you think your relationship might be codependent or you have these tendencies and want to avoid this type of relationship, there are plenty of resources to help. Mental health counselors can help with codependency, there is a recovery group called Codependents Anonymous, and there is information online to help you with self-reflection and building healthy habits in relationships.

For more information, check out this collection of articles on identifying, understanding, and healing from codependency. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Sources

  1. Berry, Jenniffer. What’s to Know About Codependent Relationships? Medical News Today. October 2017.
  2. Mental Health America. “Co-Dependency.” Accessed September 26, 2021.
  3. Gould, Wendy Rose. “What Is Codependency? Recognizing the Signs.” Verywell Mind. December 2020. 

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Codependency: Using The Right Tools To Heal

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-using-the-right-tools-to-heal/

Codependency is a thinking and behavioral problem. Codependents buy into the idea, promoted by acquired shame, that they are unlovable, not good enough or simply wrong and try to heal this by enabling and controlling others so they feel secure. They have an armory of tools at their disposal to do this. Rage, victimhood, silent treatment, martyring are just a few and codependents always look for the opportunity to be the savior of a crisis, scoring them points with their codependent object. Imagine how exhausting it is in terms of mental energy to keep this going, often with partners who have their own control agenda. Healing means using that mental energy for themselves and not on others.

Just how is this done in a mind that is so conditioned for external validation? A mind of a child that developed around emotionally unaware or distant caregivers and was given the impression it was of no value. The roots of codependency lie deep in child development and the inability or unwillingness of caregivers to learn the lessons of their own upbringing. Hence, many people are now having to reparent themselves as adults while being greatly affected by the influences of childhood. This is made more difficult by the need for connection with others which should be a seamless, pleasurable experience but ends up fraught with anxiety and fear.

Much of the issue lies in our inability to stay in the present moment and judge events for what they are instead of what we fear them to be based on experience. We fail to realise that thinking is just our way of noticing our world but we tend to give our thoughts much more power than needed by dwelling and applying our experiences to them when they could really be seen as just “passing” or reflections on the moment.

Many codependents who have done the work to become aware of what they are and where they come from are left with a dilemma. This means going through the process of unblending with others and releasing themselves from enmeshment. For some, it will be about ending dysfunctional or abusive relationships. Above all, it means becoming comfortable in being an individual with relationship and personal values and a sense of independence and individuality.

As I am writing, I am aware that this is often easier said than done but is not impossible. They have also gone through the work of reconnecting with deeper parts of their psyche and come to know how their developed thinking parts influence their view of themselves. To move on, they have to let go of the idea that they “need” to be in a relationship. This idea stems from relational and developmental trauma experienced as a child where connection with caregivers was broken and the child “worked” hard to connect, believing it could only be secure if such connection happened, a process that should be natural. In this process, there is no self-love but a love deficit and the need to control the environment, including the reaction of others, to feel secure. The following documents how one can continue after all of this work has been done and a codependent in the phase where new thinking will move them away from the thinking of the past.

I like to use different therapy models in different stages of recovery. I like the deep aspect of Inner Child work and I find Parts work as prescribed by IFS as especially effective. When we get to the stage described above, I tend to use aspects of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Theory) and the pivot system or redirection, it advocates. This is very effective in changing thinking and is as follows:

Defusion: See our thoughts with enough distance so we can choose what to do next. This is a thinking process that pivots from what ACT describes as fusion to defusion and redirects the need for coherence and yearning. Cognitive fusion means that we take our thoughts as literal and absolute and we allow them to overdetermine what we do about our thoughts. We fill our minds full of the terrible and awful and make a judgment on that. Defusion means seeing your thoughts as just thinking or noticing your environment and seeing them for what they are… fleeting attempts to make sense of our environment. For codependents, this means tuning into reality not fantasy and what that means for them. In a way, we are distancing ourselves from the destructive thoughts that cause psychological rigidity.

Self: Notice the story we have constructed about ourselves, about who we are. This means moving away from our conceptualised self or ego and not believing the stories told to us and about us. And redirects the yearning for connection and belonging. This is essential for codependents. Our stories, that is what we hold true about ourselves, can be helpful but when looked at rigidly, they hold us in a rigid grip that doesn‘t allow us to see reality or be honest with ourselves. Stories are mantras that come from our childhood such as “I am not good enough” or “That is all there is for me” and we defend them rigorously. The alternative is to become an observer and a witness or just being consciously aware of events in the moment without judgment or prejudice. This allows us to see that we are more than the propaganda that was fed to us. Those who can do this are tapping into their spiritual self.

Acceptance: Allow ourselves to feel even when those feelings are painful. A pivot from avoidance to acceptance and redirects the yearning to feel. Avoidance tells us that we need to run away from feelings of pain and the events that trigger that pain. Our minds tell us it is the easiest way to avoid pain and we will feel better when we feel good. This leads to addiction and codependency where staying in relationships being addicted to the small amount of good avoids the pain of change. However, avoidance only compounds our issues and makes it difficult to feel. If we can use acceptance, we try to embrace the whole experience with openness and curiosity and not in a victimized state. As ACT states, Acceptance pivots from feeling GOOD to FEELING good.

Presence: Direct attention to the present moment. This requires redirecting from rigid thinking governed by the past or an imagined future to conscious attention in the present moment. Rigid attention means ruminating about the past or mindlessly disappearing mentally with time wasting and addiction. The thoughts concerning past and present are our mind‘s way of not becoming lost by trying to make sense of sensory input through our experiences. Instead, we find ourselves often in mental fog, stuck as to what to do. For codependents, this is often defined in the internal battle they have in their mind between logic and emotion. The alternative is flexibility in viewing experiences and being in the here and now. This means choosing to pay heed to only thoughts that are helpful to us and moving on from thoughts that are not.

Values: Choose the values of being and doing. This requires redirecting from socially compliant goals to chosen values and deals with the yearning for self-direction and purpose. We often choose our path in life based on what we feel we have to do or to be compliant with the people around us. Research states that motivation for such goals is not sustainable and often builds resentment. Goals are not motivating because we are either concentrating on achieving them (future) or what to do after achieving them (past). Values on the other hand, are personal qualities of being and doing and govern the way we see relationships and the way we want to be treated. Setting values is a lifelong journey of meaning but above all, they are your personal values that define you as a person. For codependents who often become enmeshed in the life of others, this is an essential end point in recovery.

Action: Create habits that support choices and values. Pivoting from constant resistance to committed action and redirects the yearning to be competent. Taking action is all about creating and maintaining positive and effective habits. We often try to create habits in one foul swoop that becomes overwhelming and leads to procrastination. Taking positive action means new habits in smaller steps in line with our values. A codependent will find this part extremely scary.

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If You Are Codependent, Please Read

Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/14/if-you-are-codependent-please-read/

One of the reasons I work happily with codependents is that I am one myself with symptoms to a large extent worked through. However, I do have to constantly monitor my reactions to things and especially my marriage where symptoms are more likely to appear. In my work, I am different and I have found a healthy balance between helping and helping too much. This was not always the case and early in my career, I was often seen involving myself far too much. Over the years, I have learnt that the boundaries I set determine how successful the therapeutic relationship will ultimately be. In my marriage, I have to be constantly aware of my tendency to fix any real or imagined problem that I perceive to be there. This is the hardest part, standing back and allowing my wife to solve things on her own. There is a fine balance to be found but the general rule is that if she needs me, she will communicate that.

I have often said that codependency is something that needs to be managed rather than cured. It is not a disorder that can be medicated away. It is a result of childhood and relational trauma meaning that children are left with trying to form a bond and connection with adults who cannot or will not engage enough to do that, for various reasons. The child is left to overachieve and focus on a fantasy bond which follows them into adulthood with the mindset that they have to disproportionately give to get. It is a complex issue that has not been embraced by the therapy industry to a large extent but seemingly affects millions of people worldwide. People report being codependent on relationships, individuals and sometimes their work. Codependents are often workaholics who find overachieving and overwork tempting due to the fact that it brings validation from others but usually not from Self.

There are many methods available for codependent recovery, including step programs in the same ilk as AA or NA. There are individual methods put together by therapists who see the need to name codependency as an issue rather than seeing it as a symptom of something else diagnosable and treated with medication. Many of them deal with fundamentals of “self-love” asa guiding principle: While this is very important, just how do you get there? A good example exists in one of the therapy groups I facilitate. The members have come to a point of awareness of what is holding them back, where those influences comes from and what they need to do to overcome it. The missing part is the action to mostly carry it out and this is decisive.

When codependents first come into therapy, they are used to doing things a certain way for their own security. That means other’s needs first, external validation and denial of the right of the Self to exist. They have been taught by their childhood that they have to “work” for love and validation and that they don’t matter. This is often backed up by toxic shame acquired from caregivers that teaches them they are not good enough, unlovable or just wrong and bad. They believe it even though it is unlikely to be true. They were led to believe it at a vulnerable age, so it must be true. Any method that hopes to counter codependency, needs to have the aim to break this construct of thinking. So what needs to happen.

Stage 1: Awareness of Fantasy Thinking

At the start of therapy, many codependents are unaware of their issues and where and how they developed. They have formed a specific, unrealistic view of themselves based on the blueprint they have been following since childhood and are likely in, or have been in, relationships that are either abusive or unfulfilling. The first stage is to revisit the younger self and discover childhood stories in the form of the inner child, how that child felt, what happened in terms of significant events. This is done with non-dominant hand drawing, a process that works with the emotional mind and taps into locked thoughts and feelings. A psychological process known as “splitting” will often take place here. This says that the “in the moment” child is replaced by a “protective” version of themselves to help deal with issues at hand. This version is the one that often develops into adulthood.

Stage 2: Analysis of the Psyche

Once this done and a safe place has been found, an analysis of childhood protection measures can be started. Most children growing up in dysfunctional circumstances will dissociate from the present moment and develop a “not me” personality that deals with trauma. Starting off as protective measures, these develop into firm thinking “parts” that firmly dictate thinking and behavior and form an adult paradigm. In the course of a day, many of us may think, for example, “a part of me wants to do this and yet, at the same time, another part of me wants just the opposite”. Sometimes, this is felt as an inner conflict or “stuckness”.  Usually, we simply notice this conflict and override one of the arguments. In a healthy personality, there is a fluid shifting from one part to another depending on what approach is needed, what is appropriate, or what is necessary under the circumstances.  We may have difficulties with a partner, or we may feel as if something is “missing” in our life, or we may feel depressed. Most of us have, over time, become dominated by a few strong parts that “run the show” successfully. Typical parts include:

The inner Critic: A controlling voice that consolidates negative thinking about Self.

Avoidance/Escape: The basis of instant gratification and addiction and procrastination.

Guilt: Another manager voice that mirrors interaction with caregivers

Shame: A remnant of ineffective parenting.

Anger: Repressed emotions that were not allowed to be expressed.

These concepts are “personalized” by turning them into characters in an “internal family” and assessing how they have continued to protect the “child” in adult years, leading to such mental health struggles such as codependency, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and addiction.

Stage 3: The Real Self

The most important concept of the above is the formation of a “mentoring inner parental voice” that will negotiate with the inner family to release protection. This is the logical, realistic, compassionate “in the moment” voice that unites the child that was lost. At the center of this diverse collection of Parts is the Self, which we may experience as a “core self” or “true self”. The Self has two factors: “The first factor (Self Qualities) contains items relating to the experience of being “in Self”, i.e. feeling calm, balanced, worthy, connected, confident, joyful, peaceful, etc. The second factor (Self-Leadership) contains items relating to the ability to bring oneself back to balance when one has been hurt or stressed, i.e., the ability to resolve inner conflicts, to stay calm under pressure, to self-sooth, etc. The amount of “Self-energy” present can be noticed by the presence of those Self qualities. In an experience of trauma (including neglect of various degrees), certain parts take over the personality for survival purposes by assuming strong roles (a Pleaser, for instance). With a protective intention, they displace the leadership position of Self. In time, what was initially a protective measure, solidifies into patterns that are difficult to change– even though they may be clearly self-destructive. As protector parts continue to override the Self, the valuable, compassionate, internal leadership is lost. Other people may love and rely on their Pleaser part but the person who is dominated by a Pleaser may become exhausted with the demands of taking care of others by sacrificing the needs of her or his own parts.

I have found that when this kind of internal domination happens, other parts in the system lose confidence in the leadership capacity of the Self. They come to believe that the domineering parts have taken over the personality. It is as if a “coup” was staged subduing true leadership of the psyche. The dominant parts come to believe that they are, in fact, the total personality. Whenever we describe ourselves as “procrastinators” or “weak-willed” or “bossy”, or any number of critical assessments, we are identified with a primary part which believes it is “who we are”.

Stage 4: Transformation to Reality

It is important that once awareness is found that definitive action is taken. Combining aspects of coaching and behavioral change, a client will attempt to face and overcome fears.

This could include:

Setting boundaries and maintaining them.

Relationship change.

Dealing with self-esteem issues and internal conflict.

Self-care.

Dealing with addiction, codependency and eating disorders.

Stage 5: Putting It All Together

Change becomes a habit. New habits define change. I am fully convinced that once a codependent gets to this stage, it is a case of maintaining new and healthy habits and thinking patterns. This includes looking after themselves in terms of: Practicing healthy eating, sleeping, relaxation and exercise regimes.

Learning relationship values.

Codependency is a learned behavior that develops from childhood developmental trauma and a lack of connection with caregivers. This results in a never-ending quest for connection in future relationships with other people as a way to heal. These relationships are often a symptom rather than the cause of codependency and they are the vehicle that allows it to thrive. While much literature on codependency recovery focuses on behavioral change such as setting boundaries and self-care, I strongly believe that we must also go deep into the psyche and heal the root of codependency found in childhood. Once that is done, behavioral change can be implemented and much easier maintained.