CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

codependency

By

Codependency Is Not A Love Addiction

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-is-not-a-love-addiction/

What precisely is a love addiction? Does it exist? If it does, it is my firm belief that it has nothing to do with codependency. In this article, I will explain why many who see codependency as an addiction or an escape are wide of the mark. Even addiction itself is looked at in a different way these days. We are moving away from the ‘sick mind’ disease model to a more holistic way of looking at what drives it.

Codependents are not escaping or addicts of some sort. They are using relationships to function and bring stability in the only way they know.

I see it on websites and articles everywhere. Clients describe their codependency as an addiction. I have pontificated about it in previous articles and due to very prominent authors associating codependency with addiction, we might have come to accept that it should be viewed that way. The problem is that just the term ‘love addiction’ might be construed as something romantic and dream-like, something to aspire to. Nothing could be further from the truth. Codependency is an obsessive, compulsive, needy type of attachment that is more control than love. It is also not true that the addiction process that drives issues like alcohol and substance abuse are present in the codependency process. Codependency is a tool that helps people to function, not escape. If you agree, you may start to look at codependency in a whole new light.

I am a therapist that practices a lot of Internal Family Systems Therapy. I love its depth, common sense and the clarity it can bring. IFS as a basic theory looks at the idea of a ‘plural’ mind made up of parts. Most therapies believe in the ‘unitary’ mind, meaning essentially that the whole mind is troubled or sick at the time of diagnosis. This is the basis of the DSM which describes symptoms and labels individuals. IFS has an interesting take on the DSM and the disorders it describes in that most disorders can be seen as extreme parts protecting the Self from overwhelm. My own view is that while the DSM is a useful tool, it is too tied to therapists getting paid, leading to many people having a false diagnosis (and medication).

The parts described above, are with us at birth and are our birthright. They are not developed but are pushed into extreme positions to protect the Self. IFS believes that the Self can never be damaged or fragmented (as many therapies believe) but is protected by the parts forced into extreme positions by trauma. The Self is always there and needs to be rediscovered by working with the parts, accepting them (however extreme) and finding new roles for them. To do this, we have to find them, flesh them out by hearing their stories and freeing them. This helps to bring balance and harmony to the system. When we can do this, we will automatically return to Self mode, as described by the 8 C’s.

Most children up to a certain age will be in Self mode by default. They naturally know how to be creative, curious, connected and playful until they find that threatening to express and then the parts step in to protect the Self from being overwhelmed. There are various parts that can be described:

Exiles: These are parts that have been repressed, and they make their presence known through our sentiments, core beliefs, sensations, and behaviors. These parts were humiliated, ignored, abused, or neglected when they were children, and as a result, they are cast out of the system by other parts (described below) in order to prevent the emotional suffering they cause from becoming overwhelming for the system as a whole. In order to accomplish this goal, we put forth a significant amount of psychic energy.

Proactive protectors or Managers: These proactive parts focus on learning, functioning, being prepared and stable. Managers use hyper-vigilance to prevent exiles from being triggered and flooding the system with emotion. They are hard working and determinedly use various tactics to keep us task-oriented and impervious to feelings. They do this with criticism, shaming, workaholism and perfectionism. People who see the Self through Managers display rigid thinking and a need for control. They rarely take risks and will see change as dangerous.

Reactive protectors or Firefighters: These parts share the same purpose as Managers but do it in a different way. Firefighters are like First Responders and react after the Exiles have broken through the Manager’s firm grip to exhibit emotion and triggering. Firefighters are the ultimate escape from this pain and can be fierce and use extreme measures like alcoholism and drug taking, binge-eating, excessive shopping, promiscuity, cutting and ultimately suicidal thoughts. We must also be aware that the Managers and Firefighters can be in conflict with each other in extreme ways which can be extremely negative for the psyche.

So where does my theory come in? If you look at the descriptions above, codependency is more of a means to function rather than escape. Managers shame and criticise the codependent and tell them that they need to forego their needs in order to feel safe in a relationship. Managers shame codependents when they think about their needs and subsequently protect the Self from feelings of abandonment and ‘not being good enough’ experienced in childhood. It is not an escape but as means to function. The Managers also drive the Drama Triangle, the means of codependent control. Managers tell codependents that they are not capable of being alone and also drive ‘fixing’, anger and victimhood. Codependents are not escaping or addicts of some sort. They are using relationships to function and bring stability in the only way they know by controlling their codependent object.

Codependents can only heal by accessing the Self, the core of psychic balance and harmony, the seat of consciousness and the inner source of olive. The Self can show up in the energy of positive feeling states such as calmness, connectedness, curiosity, courage, compassion, playfulness and love or with an individual sense of being present.

Once codependents can find this sense of Self, self-energy and self compassion, the world looks very different.

By

What is CODEPENDENCY?

Meaning

As simple as the name implies, Codependency is any kind of reliance which could be mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual, a need with another individual who likely would be a partner, friend, or a family member. Codependency typically includes very high self-sacrifice, an excessive focus on another individual’s needs in spite of suppression of one’s own emotions, and deliberate attempts to fix other people’s problems.

Signs

Dr. Exelberg said that “Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed”, which means that they enjoy giving their love and being relied upon by another person.  The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — the other person who is otherwise known as ‘the taker’ or ‘the enabler’. The issue is that it becomes difficult for ‘the giver’ to separate themselves from the relationship since they feel that the other person relies on them so much and asserting boundaries or not doing what is not even directly asked but probably just implied, puts them in the wrong. Here is a list of signs which you can check if you identify with:

  • Feeling sorry for your partner even when they hurt you
  • A sense of ‘walking on eggshells’ to avoid conflict with your partner
  • Feeling the need to check in with your partner all the time and ask permission to do daily tasks
  • Often being the one who apologizes even if you have done nothing wrong
  • Doing anything and everything for your partner, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable
  • Putting your partner on a pedestal despite the fact that they don’t live up to your expectations
  • A need for your partner to like you in order to feel good about yourself
  • Struggling to find time for yourself because your free time consistently goes to attending to your partner
  • Feeling as if you’ve lost a sense of yourself or your identity specially inside the relationship.

Assuming that most of us would have identified with at least 3 or 4 points that were listed, I want to mention that, Codependency does not mean all the caring behavior or feelings but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree. It becomes codependency only when there is imbalance in the relationship that is, when responsibility of self becomes extremely low priority than responsibility for the relationship with partner.

Examples

It is very easy to fall into the cycle of codependency but very difficult to overcome one. And how does that cycle start or is it something that is present naturally? To be honest, codependency is normal for us as we all grow up. It is encouraged and is a part of our culture. We grow up watching our parents portray that our happiness and safety are dependent on another person’s happiness. We are taught that it is wrong to prioritize our well-being over other people’s happiness. Such learnings would have been what we call the first feelings of guilt associated with not being able to make another person happy or in short: not being useful to someone other than our own self. Most of us watch either of our parents basing their happiness on the other one’s mood and wellbeing. It becomes a belief for us and we carry such an engrained belief into our adulthood, that our partner’s well-being and happiness is our responsibility. Hence, our relationship with one of our parents usually translates into another codependent relationship with our partner, which in turn again only reaffirms our old belief. an example which most of us can relate to could be, a lot of women get into relationships with men who smoke or drink and believe that it is their job to make them sober. Movies and advertisements also are a part of this cultural reaffirmation. Women failing to get their partners sober, end up feeling like failures. Their self-worth takes a hit and they make their life about accomplishing different goals for their partners and then for their children, after failure to do so with their partner.

A few other common examples of codependency are:

  1. A father feeling inadequate because his children don’t ask him for advice because they are grown up
  2. A mother feeling disappointed that her child does not cry in her absence and eats food on his own without her needing to feed him/her.
  3. A man feeling inadequate that his partner does not take him to meetings with her friends and does not need him to enjoy such meetings or when his partner doesn’t need to seek suggestion or rather permission to make an important decision
  4. A woman feeling inadequate and useless when her partner gets used to caring for himself, not needing to be reminded of his daily tasks

By

Enmeshment Means Codependents Lose Themselves

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/enmeshment-means-codependents-lose-themselves/

Codependency is not something you can take a pill for. It is not something that you can quickly shed like a winter jacket. Codependency is an issue that starts early in life and will continue until an awareness and will is found to change things. This will needs to be found because enmeshment is something that codependents frequently use to feel secure in a relationship. Recovery from codependency means in effect that a “new” person needs to be found. One that is confident and secure in their own skin. More on that later. First, let’s look at enmeshment and what it means.

Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other person does as well. A good example of this is when one partner gets anxious and depressed and the other in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed, one is not able to separate their emotional experience from that of the other.  

Enmeshment is a term mostly associated with family therapy and therapists often talk of the “enmeshed family” where there is a clear inappropriate involvement in each other’s lives and emotions are mirrored. It mostly occurs between parent and child and makes it hard for the child to become emotionally independent, instead feeling that the parent’s feelings are more important. This leads to codependency in adult relationship. The causes of family enmeshment are varied and could come from overprotection of the child after illness or a traumatic event. More often, it is generational due to family patterns being passed down and family boundaries being too fluid or too rigid. Often parents find it hard to let their children become independent and the parenting style is designed to keep the children close.

Enmeshment in relationships can happen between romantic partners (usually in codependent relationships), family members, friends, siblings as well as parents and children. It is in the area of codependency where I have seen it the most where codependents “lose” themselves in a relationship by mirroring the moods and decisions sensed from the other person.

“Healthy relationships are built on healthy emotional and physical boundaries,” explains Debra Roberts a licensed clinical social worker and communication expert. “People in healthy relationships are emotionally bonded, but they can function independently of each other. For example, they enjoy time alone and independent time with close friends. Someone in an enmeshed relationship is overly connected and needs to meet the other person’s needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and feelings,” explains Roberts. “Often, just the thought of being without the person can be anxiety-producing.”

This quote describes many codependents I have come across who throw everything at “the one” to ensure the relationship continues, losing the sense of their own needs at the same time. Codependents would generally not do anything without the approval of their partner and for them it is all “we” and not “me”. They also find it hard to have friendships outside of the relationship and friends tend to be “our” friends.

Sometimes, in romantic relationships, one person will put their partner on a pedestal and think their needs and feelings are more important than their own. They become emotionally overwhelmed when their partner is upset and they respond as if the emotion or situation is happening directly to them. They cannot relax until their partner is “OK”.

In the case of codependents, enmeshment with others means a line has been crossed. Not only is there an abandonment of Self but the other person is taught to abandon themselves as well. When the pain and emotions of others are taken on, we allow the other to lean on us in unhealthy ways, when there should be more focus on moving forward in their lives by becoming more responsible for how they think and what they do. This is a codependent’s dream situation and difficult to solve as they actively look for enmeshment.

What can be done about this when a codependent happily seeks enmeshment to feel worthy and part of something. The first step is awareness and this often comes for codependents from the outside, either a family member, friend or therapist recognising the issue or in the aftermath of a break up. As enmeshment is all about porous boundaries, the obvious solution to the problem is to learn to set and maintain them, something that with most codependents needs practice and support. Unfortunately, the kind of people that codependents become involved with are the kind that do not accept boundaries generally. Mostly, recovery from enmeshment in a romantic relationship might mean leaving the relationship to allow change to happen.

This change will not come overnight as it means learning new healthy ways of connecting with others, boundaries and relationship values for the first time. Enmeshment might also have taken a toll on self-esteem, sense of independence and general mental health.

It is hard work but valuable work.

By

Recognizing Codependency in Our Relationships

Originally posted at: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/relationshipsandmentalillness/2021/9/recognizing-codependency-in-our-relationships

Codependency was a term I remember hearing as a teen but didn’t understand. What is the difference between offering and relying on support from a loved one in times of need and being codependent with that person? I’ve seen people in my life slip into this unhealthy relationship pattern and I understand now just how mental illness and trauma create the perfect environment for codependency to grow.

What is Codependency?

Codependency refers to an over-reliance on someone else whether it be in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family. It is when one person in a relationship acts as the giver or the enabler and takes on too much responsibility for the other’s needs at their own expense. The “taker” can’t function independently without the giver taking care of them. It becomes a cycle where one person needs the other and the other needs to be needed.1 Codependency is a common relationship pitfall when mental illness is involved.

People in codependent relationships don’t have healthy boundaries between themselves and others, and their identities become so enmeshed with the other that they lose their sense of individuality. According to Mental Health America, codependency can also be described as “relationship addiction.”2 When one or both people in the relationship has a mental illness, it’s all too easy to slice into codependency because there is already a reason for one person to rely too much on the other for support.3

How I Have Managed to Avoid Codependence in My Relationship

The topic of co-dependency came up between me and my partner this past week. There is a natural imbalance in our relationship because of my anxiety, and I seek more emotional support from him than he does from me. We could slip into co-dependency because of this inherent imbalance, but after eight years together, we haven’t crossed into that territory. We started to talk about what we do that protect our relationship from codependency. These are some of the things we do:

  • We have individual identities separate from our relationship. We are a unit made of two distinct individuals. We enjoy being together but we can also enjoy being apart. I have my own friends and interests and he has his.
  • We don’t need to ask each other for permission to do things without the other, nor is there any guilt involved in doing so. We tell each other about our plans out of consideration and because we want to, not because we have to.
  • He offers me support that empowers me to reach a place where I can help myself. He does not enable my self-defeating thoughts or behaviors by playing into them or trying to “rescue” me.
  • I offer him whatever support I can, even if the type of support he needs looks very different from the support I would need in the same situation.
  • He draws a clear boundary between my feelings and his which helps me when I begin to overidentify with his emotions. We don’t allow our emotions to become intertwined.
  • We communicate openly about our relationship. We feel safe bringing up concerns and stating what we need from each other. We listen to and value each other’s perspectives.

How Do You Know if Your Relationship Is Codependent?

My relationship has helped me find myself as an individual rather than lose my own identity, but I personally know many who lose themselves in their relationships or rely on a relationship to define or complete them. They also tend to struggle with the difference between co-dependency and care, support, and affection. If you are wondering whether your relationship is codependent, ask yourself these questions:

  • Who are you without this person? Can you answer this question?
  • How do you feel when you spend time apart? How do they feel?
  • Does one of you always seem to be making sacrifices for the other?
  • Do you make excuses for their actions even when you don’t agree? Do they make excuses for you?
  • Do either you or your partner use the other as their sole source of support?
  • Do you feel like you can’t function without them, or feel that they can’t function without you?

Even though the cycle of needing and being needed can feel rewarding in the short-term, codependent relationships can become abusive and make mental illness even worse by taking away your independence and identity.3

If you think your relationship might be codependent or you have these tendencies and want to avoid this type of relationship, there are plenty of resources to help. Mental health counselors can help with codependency, there is a recovery group called Codependents Anonymous, and there is information online to help you with self-reflection and building healthy habits in relationships.

For more information, check out this collection of articles on identifying, understanding, and healing from codependency. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Sources

  1. Berry, Jenniffer. What’s to Know About Codependent Relationships? Medical News Today. October 2017.
  2. Mental Health America. “Co-Dependency.” Accessed September 26, 2021.
  3. Gould, Wendy Rose. “What Is Codependency? Recognizing the Signs.” Verywell Mind. December 2020. 

By

Codependency: Using The Right Tools To Heal

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-using-the-right-tools-to-heal/

Codependency is a thinking and behavioral problem. Codependents buy into the idea, promoted by acquired shame, that they are unlovable, not good enough or simply wrong and try to heal this by enabling and controlling others so they feel secure. They have an armory of tools at their disposal to do this. Rage, victimhood, silent treatment, martyring are just a few and codependents always look for the opportunity to be the savior of a crisis, scoring them points with their codependent object. Imagine how exhausting it is in terms of mental energy to keep this going, often with partners who have their own control agenda. Healing means using that mental energy for themselves and not on others.

Just how is this done in a mind that is so conditioned for external validation? A mind of a child that developed around emotionally unaware or distant caregivers and was given the impression it was of no value. The roots of codependency lie deep in child development and the inability or unwillingness of caregivers to learn the lessons of their own upbringing. Hence, many people are now having to reparent themselves as adults while being greatly affected by the influences of childhood. This is made more difficult by the need for connection with others which should be a seamless, pleasurable experience but ends up fraught with anxiety and fear.

Much of the issue lies in our inability to stay in the present moment and judge events for what they are instead of what we fear them to be based on experience. We fail to realise that thinking is just our way of noticing our world but we tend to give our thoughts much more power than needed by dwelling and applying our experiences to them when they could really be seen as just “passing” or reflections on the moment.

Many codependents who have done the work to become aware of what they are and where they come from are left with a dilemma. This means going through the process of unblending with others and releasing themselves from enmeshment. For some, it will be about ending dysfunctional or abusive relationships. Above all, it means becoming comfortable in being an individual with relationship and personal values and a sense of independence and individuality.

As I am writing, I am aware that this is often easier said than done but is not impossible. They have also gone through the work of reconnecting with deeper parts of their psyche and come to know how their developed thinking parts influence their view of themselves. To move on, they have to let go of the idea that they “need” to be in a relationship. This idea stems from relational and developmental trauma experienced as a child where connection with caregivers was broken and the child “worked” hard to connect, believing it could only be secure if such connection happened, a process that should be natural. In this process, there is no self-love but a love deficit and the need to control the environment, including the reaction of others, to feel secure. The following documents how one can continue after all of this work has been done and a codependent in the phase where new thinking will move them away from the thinking of the past.

I like to use different therapy models in different stages of recovery. I like the deep aspect of Inner Child work and I find Parts work as prescribed by IFS as especially effective. When we get to the stage described above, I tend to use aspects of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Theory) and the pivot system or redirection, it advocates. This is very effective in changing thinking and is as follows:

Defusion: See our thoughts with enough distance so we can choose what to do next. This is a thinking process that pivots from what ACT describes as fusion to defusion and redirects the need for coherence and yearning. Cognitive fusion means that we take our thoughts as literal and absolute and we allow them to overdetermine what we do about our thoughts. We fill our minds full of the terrible and awful and make a judgment on that. Defusion means seeing your thoughts as just thinking or noticing your environment and seeing them for what they are… fleeting attempts to make sense of our environment. For codependents, this means tuning into reality not fantasy and what that means for them. In a way, we are distancing ourselves from the destructive thoughts that cause psychological rigidity.

Self: Notice the story we have constructed about ourselves, about who we are. This means moving away from our conceptualised self or ego and not believing the stories told to us and about us. And redirects the yearning for connection and belonging. This is essential for codependents. Our stories, that is what we hold true about ourselves, can be helpful but when looked at rigidly, they hold us in a rigid grip that doesn‘t allow us to see reality or be honest with ourselves. Stories are mantras that come from our childhood such as “I am not good enough” or “That is all there is for me” and we defend them rigorously. The alternative is to become an observer and a witness or just being consciously aware of events in the moment without judgment or prejudice. This allows us to see that we are more than the propaganda that was fed to us. Those who can do this are tapping into their spiritual self.

Acceptance: Allow ourselves to feel even when those feelings are painful. A pivot from avoidance to acceptance and redirects the yearning to feel. Avoidance tells us that we need to run away from feelings of pain and the events that trigger that pain. Our minds tell us it is the easiest way to avoid pain and we will feel better when we feel good. This leads to addiction and codependency where staying in relationships being addicted to the small amount of good avoids the pain of change. However, avoidance only compounds our issues and makes it difficult to feel. If we can use acceptance, we try to embrace the whole experience with openness and curiosity and not in a victimized state. As ACT states, Acceptance pivots from feeling GOOD to FEELING good.

Presence: Direct attention to the present moment. This requires redirecting from rigid thinking governed by the past or an imagined future to conscious attention in the present moment. Rigid attention means ruminating about the past or mindlessly disappearing mentally with time wasting and addiction. The thoughts concerning past and present are our mind‘s way of not becoming lost by trying to make sense of sensory input through our experiences. Instead, we find ourselves often in mental fog, stuck as to what to do. For codependents, this is often defined in the internal battle they have in their mind between logic and emotion. The alternative is flexibility in viewing experiences and being in the here and now. This means choosing to pay heed to only thoughts that are helpful to us and moving on from thoughts that are not.

Values: Choose the values of being and doing. This requires redirecting from socially compliant goals to chosen values and deals with the yearning for self-direction and purpose. We often choose our path in life based on what we feel we have to do or to be compliant with the people around us. Research states that motivation for such goals is not sustainable and often builds resentment. Goals are not motivating because we are either concentrating on achieving them (future) or what to do after achieving them (past). Values on the other hand, are personal qualities of being and doing and govern the way we see relationships and the way we want to be treated. Setting values is a lifelong journey of meaning but above all, they are your personal values that define you as a person. For codependents who often become enmeshed in the life of others, this is an essential end point in recovery.

Action: Create habits that support choices and values. Pivoting from constant resistance to committed action and redirects the yearning to be competent. Taking action is all about creating and maintaining positive and effective habits. We often try to create habits in one foul swoop that becomes overwhelming and leads to procrastination. Taking positive action means new habits in smaller steps in line with our values. A codependent will find this part extremely scary.