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resentment

February 4, 2013 By Castimonia

Sometimes Your Husband is Not the Only One Who Needs Change

I will state that what works for some, does not work for others.  What worked for this spouse of a sex addict may or may not work in allowing God to heal the wounds created by the husband, so take what you like and leave the rest.  And husbands, don’t try to be the Holy Spirit and use this example on your wife, allow the Holy Spirit to guide your wives to their own healing.

Sometimes your husband is not the only one who needs change..

Sometimes your husband is not the only one who needs change.
February 2, 2013 by Amy

A couple of years ago I lived in a very different world. My world was full of hurt and betrayal. I tried all manner of things to ease the pain but nothing worked. I was hopeless. I remember one particular day when I called a family member to vent. I was ready to move on, to get a fresh start.  I let it all out:

I don’t deserve this! I don’t want this to be my life! I deserve to be loved and treated well!  I deserve to be happy. I’m not going to waste my whole life waiting for someone else to change. I deserve better than this!

Having had the opportunity to talk to many women who have been or who currently are in similar situations I know these feelings are not unique. I also know that just because the majority of people feel this way doesn’t make it right.

Today as I think upon those feelings and the words I used to express my pain I cringe.  I see how selfish and prideful I was.

With all that was happening to me by the actions of my husband it never dawned on me that there was anything about me that needed to change.  The idea that I was just as lost as Chad not only never crossed my mind but made made me angry to hear it suggested.  And here’s the kicker:  Do I really have the right to demand happiness, comfort, peace and love? At that time I believed I did. I had bought into the lie that suggests a Christian will always be happy, that trials, at least not big ones, will not come my way.   My idea of being a Christian looked more like the world’s ways than Jesus’ way (Phil 2:7-8).

It wasn’t until I began a bible study with a dear christian woman that the idea of not having rights surfaced.   I balked! Don’t tell me that, I thought. I’m not going to be a doormat for others to walk all over. Most certainly not my husband! It set me back and it took a while for God’s word to speak reassuring truth to my soul.

What I learned is that trouble is promised to us. We aren’t promised comfort and security but we are promised that God will be with us through the fire. We aren’t told that he will always keep us out of it. This simple truth transformed my life.

So here I was learning that I didn’t have rights and that I was just as selfish and prideful as Chad. His pride played out in a very different way, but I was just as prideful. His selfishness was out there for all to see, but I was very selfish in ways that others didn’t notice as much. I began to see my great need for God. I began, not to cry out for my marriage to be saved, or for happiness, but for God to save me from myself. I prayed and still pray for God to show me my heart and my desires as He sees them. When He reveals the way that He sees my wants and desires I can do nothing but fall at His feet and cry for mercy.

Once I began to focus on God and on my need for Him my troubles didn’t overwhelm me as they did before. I had a glimpse of my Savior and how great He is and how small I am. My life became less about pleasing myself as I began to strive to please my God and in doing that, the troubles I faced gave me greater opportunities to please my Lord. It’s during those times of trial that the rubber meets the road. Do you really believe God is with you? Suffering and trouble will show you. I am in no way perfect. I still struggle with seeing things the way I should. There are times that I have to stop myself and remind myself that my comfort and my happiness is not paramount. God is using hard days and realizations of my sinfulness to draw me to Him.

Will you allow God to speak to you through your trials? Will you praise God despite your pain? Will you honor the Lord in suffering with grace and obedience? Those are my goals. I believe if we do this it will not only help us through our trouble but most importantly it will please our Lord!

God give us the eyes to see our hearts as you see them and the ears to hear your still small voice when trouble is roaring all around us!

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, resentment, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trafficking, trauma

January 10, 2013 By Castimonia

Provisions and Protections – Psalm 91

Originally Posted on The Church at Carrollto
Provisions and Protections – Psalm 91.

Psalm 91 King James Version

1He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

3Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

4He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

5Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

6Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

7A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

8Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

9Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

10There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

11For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

12They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

13Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

14Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

16With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Provisions

“Father……according to psalm 91 you have promised to provide for me:

  • Answered Prayer
  • Long Life
  • Honor and Promotion
  • Angelic Protection
  • Peace
  • Divine Health
  • Joy
  • Intimacy with God
  • Revelation Knowledge
  • Boldness
  • Trust and Security
  • Anointing and Authority
  • Healing for my body
  • My Emotions
  • My Relationships
  • Love and Acceptance
  • Godly Companionship’s
  • Wisdom
  • Discernment
  • Skill and Ability
  • Faith
  • Goodness
  • Kindness and Mercy
  • Rest and Safety
  • Deliverance and Restoration
  • Satisfaction
  • Refuge
  • Guidance and Insight
  • Excellence and Endurance
  • Right Priorities and Understanding
  • People Skills
  • Cleansing and Forgiveness
  • Divine Supply and Care

Protections

“Father……according to Psalm 91 you have promised to protect me from:

  • Unseen Dangers
  • Plaques and Sickness
  • Enemy Attack When I travel
  • While I sleep
  • On the Job
  • At Home
  • The Fear of People
  • Fear of Failure and Rejection
  • Fear of Darkness
  • Fear of Death
  • Fear of Poverty
  • Fear of War
  • Fear of Accidents
  • Fear of Falling
  • Fear of Criticism
  • Temptation
  • The “snares” of the devil including:
  • overeating
  • anorexia
  • bulimia
  • sexual addiction
  • alcoholism
  • drugs
  • cigarettes
  • pornography
  • Inferiority and Worthlessness
  • Destruction of my home
  • My Business
  • My Property
  • My Family
  • My Possessions
  • Burn out and Stress
  • Insecurity and Confusion
  • Depression
  • Guilt and Shame
  • Demonic Attack

“Father…..I accept these Provisions and Protections for me and my family. Thank you”

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, alcohol, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, anxiety, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, depression, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, guilt, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, meeting, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, resentment, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, shame, spouses, STD, Step 4, strippers, trafficking, trauma

December 13, 2012 By Castimonia

At Least One of Us is Going to Hell for What You’ve Done

I read this raw and true poem as if were written by a spouse of a sex addict.  Many times I’ve heard spouses say that they can take the slips but they can’t take the lies.  The last two lines ring true of this statement.  I edited out the profanities and hope this spouse’s angry words don’t offend anyone.  Keep in mind, it is ok to have these thoughts and feelings, what is not ok is to verbally abuse your spouse (addict or not) with your offensive language.  Acting out in anger can be very damaging to a relationship!

At Least One of Us is Going to Hell for What You’ve Done
by properlypeculiar

Oh, go and f***ing

f*** another girl

Make it through another lonely night

You don’t need me

I wish you’d not pretend you did

You’ll keep me hanging on the line until I cut you off with something cute like a stutter

or a clever arrangement of words that won’t ever cut you quite deeply enough

to send you racing back to being breathless with me

Say processed, vomited, vapid lines out loud

Close your eyes at just the right moment

Put your arm around me just where it fits

F*** the world forward and back again before my eyes

but don’t ever lie to me

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, Emotions, escorts, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lies, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, resentment, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

December 4, 2012 By Castimonia

Against The Odds

I read this poem on addiction and recovery and found it a very interesting reflection on addiction and recovery.

AGAINST THE ODDS
by Pete Ak

I crawled through the desolate universe of addiction
Dug myself low to the depths of despond
Squirmed and slithered as the chemical shroud of anguish
Clothed me in its cold and messy heartless clasp
I wallowed and floundered in my uselessness
Debased myself and surrendered to the cruel stabs of paranoia and dependency.

Craving devoured and deprived me, its victim, of humanity’s greatest gift
For my reason scuttled away like a frightened rabbit.
Then toxic, filthy night black resentment
Crept effortlessly through my veins;
It’s malignant curses poisoned my spirit
And found a home for loathsome introspection.

I dwelt there; trapped
I stooped there, fooled by life itself.
Helpless, beaten as if slain by a ruthless assassin,
Inflicting upon myself the transcendent humiliation of self pity.

Our visit here, a mere finger-click in time
Reasons for staying, prosaic and sublime,
Co-mingle to a multi-coloured alloy
Of confusion and hurt; exhilaration and joy.
A pregnant mosaic that can create and destroy,
Red-hot and blinding; eschewing adventure
Laying us to waste unless we quench
The thirst of the spirit; drink from humanity’s magic.
Consume the capacity to dream wonders
And the urge to realize them.
Swallow the determination to overwhelm
Against the odds.
Recognise the miracle of change,
The strength to endure,
The joy of cherishing,
And the ability to grow
Bigger than the hole you’re in.

Flowers of discovery reveal;
Tearful testimonies heal.
Dwell in natural enchantment,
And eventually – die of having lived.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, alcohol, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, meeting, poetry, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, resentment, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

November 28, 2012 By Castimonia

Getting Past Your Past: Q&A with Therapist Francine Shapiro

For those of us in recovery that includes EMDR for our childhood trauma, this is a great article/interview to read from the originator of EMDR.

Getting Past Your Past: Q&A with Therapist  Francine Shapiro

In a new self-help book, Shapiro offers instruction for  dealing with negative emotions by using a tried-and-true therapy for PTSD.
By Maia Szalavitz | @maiasz | April 18,  2012 |

gpyp

Psychologist Francine Shapiro was a Ph.D. student when she first discovered  in 1987 that moving her eyes in a certain way could take the emotional sting out  of disturbing thoughts. Pressing her friends and acquaintances into service, she  tried the technique on them and soon after conducted the first randomized  controlled trial of the therapy in people with post-traumatic stress disorder  (PTSD).

Today, Shapiro’s treatment — known as eye movement desensitization and  reprocessing (EMDR) — is one of the most effective known therapies for PTSD. It  looks strange because it involves therapists directing clients’ eye movements by  waving their hands or tapping, but dozens of randomized controlled trials have  demonstrated that it works.

Healthland spoke with Shapiro about her new book, Getting Past Your  Past, which offers self-help methods based on EMDR.

Why did you decide to write this book?

It’s so important for people to realize that there’s help and [not] think  that therapy has to be about years and years of talk.

People are walking around wounded and not understanding why they’re  responding the way they are to the world. They are not understanding why they’re  having negative feelings like ‘I’m not loveable, I’m not good enough,’ because  of these unprocessed memories that they might not even remember. What happens is  that when you get triggered, you get the emotions, but not the images, and then  you buy into it.

When you’re feeling stuck, when you have negative beliefs about yourself — that’s not the cause of the problem, it’s the symptom. All those negative  thoughts that push you into acting in ways that don’t serve you or prevent you  from doing the things that you want — the basis is these unprocessed  memories.

How did you first come up with EMDR?

I was using my mind and body as a laboratory to see what things worked.  Around the time that I needed to do a dissertation, I was walking along one day  and I noticed that some disturbing thoughts I was having were suddenly  disappearing. When I thought to bring them back, they didn’t have the same  charge any more.

What thoughts were you having?

I can’t remember! But what caught my attention was that they were the kind of  thoughts that you generally had to do something about [in order to make them go  away]. I started paying close attention and I noticed that when that thought  came to mind, my eyes started moving in a certain way and the thoughts shifted  from consciousness and when I brought them back, it wasn’t that intense.

What eye movements were you making?

It was rapid diagonal movements, very rapid, what they call saccadic  movements. So, I wanted to see if it could work deliberately. I brought up  something that bothered me and moved my eyes in the same way and I found the  same thing. I reached out to all my friends, basically every warm body I could  find, and asked them if they had something they wanted to work on. Everyone  did.

I started having them follow my hand in order to make the same eye movements  and that’s how I developed the process. Then I did a controlled study, which was  published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress in 1989.

(MORE: Scientists Identify Genetic Changes that May Increase Risk of  PTSD)

There was an enormous amount of resistance to EMDR and for a long  time many researchers simply didn’t believe that it worked. There’s still  controversy about it. Why do you think that’s so?

Because whole field of PTSD was new. The diagnosis of PTSD was only made  official in 1980. And what you had were all these Vietnam vets who were still  struggling and suffering 20 years after the war. The view of field was that PTSD  was pretty impossible to treat and here I published an article on a randomized  controlled study showing positive effects after one session and with eye  movements, which didn’t make any sense.

For me, I felt I stumbled on the brain’s natural processing. I started  thinking about REM sleep [when dreaming typically takes place] where you also  get those kinds of eye movements. At this point, the research [suggests] that  the REM state is when the brain is processing survival-related information. Back  in 1989, the view was that the eye movement was the dreamer scanning the dream  environment. They had no idea what it was actually doing.

Right now, there are 20 randomized controlled trials on just the eye  movements alone and all of them show a positive effect. About half of the  studies have been done by memory researchers who believe that the eye movements  disrupt working memory [one theory about how it works]. Harvard researcher  Robert Stickgold has written [about how EMDR] links into the same process that  occurs during REM sleep.

These ideas aren’t mutually exclusive?

I think both are correct. What’s quite interesting at this point in the whole  field of PTSD is that in order to have the official diagnosis, you need to have  a major trauma like rape or combat experience, but the latest research indicates  that general life experience can [produce traumatic memories].

Do you mean things like child abuse?

Not even. Children can hear parents fighting. They had a study showing that  children can get PTSD from falling off a bicycle.

Is this because people who are very sensitive to experience can  be traumatized by things that wouldn’t affect other people?

There’s a genetic [piece] and there’s also what kind of foundation has been  laid. A lot of research lately indicates that childhood adversity can set the  groundwork for vulnerability to a lot of later problems.

What we’re really looking at in general is that you have an information  processing system in the brain that’s supposed to be geared to digest  experience, to make sense of it [so that] what’s useful is incorporated [into  memory] and what’s useless is let go. When something is too disturbing, it  overwhelms that processing system and the memory gets stored along with the  emotions and physical sensations and beliefs that occurred at the time, and  that’s what gets triggered [in PTSD].

Robert Stickgold says that [the experience] is inappropriately stored in  episodic memory — the memory of emotions, physical sensations and beliefs — and  through EMDR, it gets shifted to semantic memory [narrative or verbal memory].  It is stimulating the information processing systems of the brain so that the  appropriate links are made. So a rape victim may start out saying that she feels  shameful, ‘I should have done something’ and has all those emotions; at end, she  is saying, The shame is his not mine, and I’m a resilient woman. That’s the  digested version: what needs to be learned is incorporated and what’s useless is  let go.

(MORE: Child  Abuse Pediatricians Recommend Basic Parenting Classes)

Some people claim that EMDR is most helpful for single traumatic  memories, but less so for people who have experienced ongoing trauma over a long  period of time.

It’s not that it works better, it takes longer when you have multiple  traumatic experiences because there are more memories that need to be processed.  And if it was childhood onset, because of the traumatic experience, they didn’t  necessarily [learn the] socialization and skills and that are needed at the  time.

Within EMDR, we have a three-pronged approach. First, identify and process  the earlier memories that set the groundwork [for the problem], then process  current stimuli that trigger distress, and third, incorporate whatever skills  and education are necessary to overcome developmental deficits and provide what  the person needs for the future.

It’s often really hard to find evidence-based therapies, but you  seem to have very successfully disseminated EMDR. What’s the  secret?

It really has been word of mouth. When I first developed it, I gave a lot of  presentations throughout the country. People would give me their cards and say,  When you are ready to teach it, I want to learn it. I made sure I had people who  were able to give and receive it under supervision so they actually learned it.  It was not just me as a talking head. I did small group practice and had one  trainer for nine people. At end of that, they wanted other clinicians to learn  it because they went back and used it, saw results and were getting results that  they hadn’t gotten with anything else and wanted their colleagues to learn it.  They often volunteered to train others because they wanted more people to be  helped and that’s really the way it went.

I write a lot about addiction and many, many addicted people have  suffered traumatic experiences, which unfortunately are often not dealt with  appropriately in treatment.

I think the literature is very clear that there’s a large connection with  trauma and the person trying to self-medicate. We tried to do an randomized  controlled trial with EMDR in Washington state’s drug court and we had to drop  the randomized part because the people treated with EMDR started talking about  how much it helped so the others were really upset that they couldn’t get. We  ended up being able to do the evaluation: graduation from these courts is  supposed to be a major indicator of recidivism, and 91% of those who got EMDR  graduated, compared to 60% of those who didn’t.

(MORE: Siblings  Brain Study Sheds Light on the Roots of Addiction)

So why do we always think that every emotion we experience is  real and connected to what’s happening now, not the past?

Because we’re feeling it and, therefore, seeing world in that way. That’s  what’s so funny about it. We don’t even get that. When we’re going into a social  situation and start feeling insecure, we’re feeling and acting on it. What the  book is trying to do is give people an understanding of where this is coming  from, so they can step back and use techniques to [cope better]. For a lot of  people, that’s all they need, not therapy. But for other people, if you are  always needing to use this, O.K., you’ve done most of the work to prepare and  you go get helping processing it. These are the techniques clinicians would be  teaching a client.

What should someone look for in an EMDR  therapist?

Make sure they’ve been trained by a program approved by the EMDR  International Association. We also have a nonprofit called the EMDR Humanitarian  Assistance Programs — they’re getting the royalties from the book. We provide  pro bono treatment for underserved populations worldwide, after every natural  and man-made disaster.

People can take control of their lives, they don’t have to be buffeted by  these unprocessed memories.

See more of  Healthland’s ‘Mind Reading’ series.

Maia Szalavitz is a health writer for TIME.com. Find her on  Twitter at @maiasz. You can also  continue the discussion on TIME Healthland‘s Facebook  page and on Twitter at @TIMEHealthland.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/04/18/getting-past-your-past-qa-with-therapist-francine-shapiro/#ixzz23oxcHghU

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, EMDR, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, meeting, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, resentment, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, strippers, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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