by Frank Honess

IMG_1007One of the greatest ways pornography damaged my life was through my marriage. My wife was devastated to say the least at my hidden addiction and how I seemed to be so okay with it. Through continual relapses, lies, and secrets, I was losing my marriage. It wasn’t until my wife slid her engagement ring across the table to me and with eyes filled with tears told me that she was done. She would not marry a man who continued to hide and tell lies. It was only then that my eyes were opened.

How can you avoid this moment in your marriage? The greatest tip that I can give is to BE HONEST with your spouse. Men, if you’re engaged to your wife, you need to give full disclosure as to what you’re dealing with. I know looking back that my wife was willing to work with me through overcoming pornography. But it was the lying that really hurt her the most and I think that’s a common thread amongst females. Don’t lie to your wife. Your marriage is too valuable to lose to made up images and sexual scenarios.

Break Free

Source: Porn Freedom

No matter the quality or quantity of sex, some people remain hungry for more and more sex. It’s as though they are sexually insatiable. Most often, their insatiable sexual hunger is related to deep-rooted psychological factors. Toxic early childhood relationships can influence their sexual hunger in adulthood. Although sex addicts can be male or female, for discussion purposes, I will use the female pronouns here. Insatiable sexual hunger is not really a desire ─an act of will─ but rather a desperate need, a compulsion that is experienced as a craving. The need is pursued like a drug. Although sex addicts are enslaved to sex, it is far from their goal. Rather, the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the sex addict experiences as unbearable. Like a drug addict or alcoholic, the sex addict relentlessly seeks satisfaction from an external source to palliate an internal pain. Here’s a little of what goes on in the brain of sex addicts. The brain’s dopamine receptors ─ the pleasure-reward system─ is activated during sex, drugs, alcohol, or gambling. In the case of sex addicts who quickly slide down into despair after the sex act, their dopamine receptors are left hungry for more sex. These primed dopamine receptor, thus, crave more sex. A craving is, thus, set up biologically and psychologically. Fixes provide a state of ecstasy, calm, nirvana. Alas the shot of nirvana during the sex act lasts only as long as the magic of sex wears off. Result? The sex addict is rendered emptier, distressed, and fragmented. To quell these painful feelings, she is compelled to resume her pursuit for her next fix. As you can see, the sex act is not borne out of love, but performs the function of a drug to satisfy the primed dopamine receptors. Of no consequence other than to provide the sex addict with a fix, the sex object is indispensable. Rather than desiring a sexual partner, the sex addict craves the sexual object─ her fix. She is constantly seeking to repair early deprivations and to palliate depression, anxiety, self-esteem blows. How do sex addicts recover? Twelve step programs work for some people. For others, I recommend deep analytic therapy that focuses on visiting the past, but living in the moment, learning coping skills, finding internal satisfaction, pursuing healthy passions that fulfill the emptiness. From an article by Frances Cohen Praver, Ph.D.

by applyingmybeliefs

 John 20:27-29 – Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.”  Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!”  Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”  ESV

Thomas was the disciple who said he wouldn’t believe Jesus was alive after the resurrection unless he personally put his finger on Jesus wounds.  He was also the one that Jesus was talking to when He said, “I am the way, the truth and the life.”  (Jn 14:6)  Little else is known about Thomas from the scriptural records.  Some apocryphal literature has him dying at the hands of the king of India, where he is thought to have served his mission time.

Thomas represents all of us.  In our story we see that he obstinately said I won’t believe until I get concrete evidence, so that I can see with my own eyes and feel with my own hands.  Jesus graciously chastises him about his unbelief.  And then Jesus says words for us down the ages, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed.”  Almost all of us will not see Jesus until we get to heaven.  We are asked by scripture and the Holy Spirit to believe even though we have not seen, and if we choose to do this we will be blessed in some way.

This is so important for us in recovery to understand.  God wants us to accept, believe that He is going to help us in our recovery, even though we cannot see, hear or touch Him directly.  It is a deep scriptural principle that unbelief is a barrier to healing, or in our case recovery.  God asks us not to just believe in Him, but to believe Him.  When we only believe in Him, we often reject His instructions and go our own way.  When we believe Him, we accept His instructions, and even if we have reservations or resistance inside us, we still obey.  That is the path to healing and recovery that God prescribes for us.

This post was shared as a topic for our Barrayo Men’s Group.  Barrayo is a support group for men who were sexually abused as children.  It meets on Tuesday nights at 7pm.  This is a very powerful group dealing with a very powerful issue.  Healing from childhood sexual abuse is paramount to our overall healing, including that of sexual impurity/addiction.  Please contact for more information on this group.

By Cecil Murphey 

I don’t know the answers to every problem—even though I may sound as if I do. I don’t understand why some of us gain victory almost immediately and for others it takes years. I don’t know why some male survivors fall back in their old patterns and some never do.

I wish I could give perfect answers to every dilemma and shine a bright light on every dark path. I don’t always have enough light for my own path. Even when I know the answer for myself, I sometimes fail to live up to my convictions.

I do know this, however. It’s shameful to admit when we’ve failed, especially after we’ve determined not to repeat our wrong behavior. And that can refer to anything that impedes our progress.
Almost as bad is to fail and deny it. We’re ashamed and try to hide the fact. Or we make excuses for ourselves by blaming circumstances or saying, “Yes, but if he hadn’t . . . ” Such negative responses mean we by-pass a chance for healing.

Admitting each tiny step in the wrong direction can be one positive, small-but-powerful step toward full recovery. 

Codependency underlies all addictions. The core symptom of “dependency” manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important. Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship with yourself. Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, “locus of control.” This means that your actions are primarily motivated by your values, needs, and feelings, not someone else’s. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways. Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn’t necessary for progress, and it’s impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. It’s said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you’re an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction – whether to a drug, activity, or person – they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy. You may have grown up in a family where you weren’t nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren’t respected, and your emotional needs weren’t adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you learned to ignore your needs and feelings and believed that you were wrong. Some decided to become self-sufficient or find comfort in sex, food, drugs, or work. All this leads to low self-esteem. To reverse these destructive habits, you first must become aware of them. The most damaging obstacle to self-esteem is negative self-talk. Most people aren’t aware of their internal voices that push and criticize them — their “Pusher,” “Perfectionist,” and “Critic.” From an article By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.” – Leslie Vernick

An attendee of Castimonia meetings since 2011 is conducting a study of the effects of deviant sexuality on the brain.  He works as a technician at Unique MindCare, a neurofeedback clinic, where he runs an EEG (electroencephalogram) software program which reads electrical brain activity for the purpose of diagnosis and treatment of physical causes in the brain for behavioral symptoms.

They are looking for a minimum of 30 individuals involved in Castimonia who would like to voluntarily participate in a sex addiction study.  Participant involvement is completely voluntary and confidential.

The study aims at examining differences in electrical activity in the brain common within this group’s population compared to other men who do not have these struggles. They expect to find irregularities in areas of the brain known to deal with impulsive behavior, pain and pleasure, fear responses and potentially other areas as well.

This could be used as a way to put a 12th step into action as this research could possibly lead to better understanding the physical reasons to why we struggle as we do and, therefore, later lead to future treatments designed to help relieve symptoms and/or possibly decrease recovery time.  Each participant will also receive a personalized quantitative EEG or “Brain Map”.  A brain map will show you where in your brain there is too much or too little brain activity compared to others your age and can identify strengths or abnormalities that can explain certain, consistent issues. This is a valuable resource which is usually charged at $1,400.00 but will be free of charge in exchange for the participants’ aid to their research.

For more information, please contact Ben or Dominic through any of the following methods;

Phone #s