Posted on September 9, 2013 by

I have often said that a person cannot be a successful sex addict without being a world-class liar. This is not a character attack but simply an observation based on many years of working with sex addicts and partners.

Why do sex addicts lie? Lying often begins as a way of escaping an abusive parent, a demanding coach, or an exacting teacher. But carried into adulthood, lying may take on a life of its own.

Sex addicts lie to cover their acting out behavior. It is also true that sex addicts may lie about things that do not have anything to do with their addiction. They may lie about things that truly do not matter. Lying has become so ingrained that their default position is to lie in order to present themselves in a better light.

Recovery from any addiction includes having a renewed commitment to live in the truth, tell the truth, and accept nothing short of complete honesty from themselves. A colleague whose partner is an addict recently told me that to her, rigorous honesty is the Holy Grail of recovery.

I hope that if you are in recovery that telling and living in the truth has become a new way of living.


A friend of mine in recovery contacted me after hearing that I was looking for ideas for other recovery-themed movies and after seeing one of the movies I edited.  At first, when he told me the name of the movie, I was skeptical because of the nature of the film.  Yet, as he explained the scripture verse that he wanted me to use in reference to one scene of the movie, my ears perked up and ideas started to flow.  As usual, I went overboard on the movie and added other scenes that correspond to other scripture verses but that can be related to the film and theme as a whole.  Another thing I liked about editing this movie is that it is one of my all-time favorite science fiction / horror movies.  I’m wondering at this point how many are reading this text versus skipping to the movie or for those reading it, if they have any idea which movie I am referencing.  The movie is Alien.  “Did he just write ‘Alien’ as the movie that inspired the topic of this post?”  For those that do not like Sci-Fi movies or have never heard of this movie, below is a short description of the film:

A mining vessel, Nostromo, sent to investigate an SOS distress call encounters an alien that begins to kill the crew members one by one.

To my friend and me, this movie is really an allegory for what Christians deal with every single day on their way “home” to heaven from earth.  We are told in scripture by James that every person is tempted by their own selfish desires and if we allow the desire to conceive and sin because of these desires, then it gives birth to a spiritual death.  In recovery, we are tempted to sin just about every day whether it be through lying, stealing, cheating, excessive lustful thoughts, or sexually immoral activity.   Another point of this film is to show how our sin, even if “only pornography and masturbation that doesn’t hurt anyone” (/sarcasm) can and will affect those around us.  In this movie, one man’s sin becomes a hideous monster that destroys the rest of the crew of the Nostromo except for one who stands and fights against “temptation and sin” as all Christians are called to do.  In real life, our sexual sin can and will affect those around us, our closest relationships, our family, our friends, our jobs, our ministry, etc…  It has the capacity to destroy all of those things if we choose to give in to our temptations and sin.  What James precedes the warning with is a blessing for the man who is tempted but does not sin. This is something we should all strive for, to not sin when tempted, as we walk this 80 or so year journey home to Heaven. 

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.  And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else.  Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.  These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. – James 1:12-15

Disclaimer: Although tempted to watch the original movie from where this clip was taken, a person new to recovery should consult their therapist, sponsor, and/or accountability partner on whether to watch this film.  It is a Sci-Fi “Horror” movie that could trigger an individual to medicate their fear or anxiety. Also, the excessive violence (some of which I removed from this clip) can be harmful to your recovery if you are like I was early on; prone to medicate the viewing of violence and associated guilt.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
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A conservative Christian lobbyist group’s latest crusade is the elimination of  pornography on college campuses.

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The Family Research Council isn’t afraid to pick a tough fight. It has pushed  for the teaching of intelligent design in public schools,  endorsed the requirement of a one-year waiting period for couples with children  who want to get a divorce, and publicly discouraged the extension of civil  rights to homosexuals. Supporters of the FRC, a conservative Christian lobbyist  group, gathered Wednesday to discuss the organization’s latest crusade: the  elimination of pornography on college campuses.

Fighting “Porn in the Dorm”—as the FRC called their Family Policy Lecture on  the subject—is an uphill battle.  A 2001 study conducted by scholars at Texas A&M revealed  that while 56% of men admit to using the Internet to access sexual explicit  materials, 72% of college-aged men readily say the same. Recent figures show higher percentages of porn site  subscriptions in zip codes with a great density of young people and those with  undergraduate degrees.

The prevalence of porn on campuses hasn’t defeated Dr. Patrick Fagan,  Director of the Marriage and  Religion Research Institute and Wednesday’s speaker. An Irish former grade  school teacher and trained clinical psychologist, Fagan has worked on family  issues in Washington with organizations such as the Free Congress Foundation,  the Department of Health and Human Services, and the Heritage Foundation. His  controlled tone, combined with the hum of the FRC’s air conditioning and free  Potbelly’s sandwiches, lulled the audience of about 40 young professionals into  a comfortable midday trance reminiscent of Sunday school.

“Our teenagers today cannot know what is natural sexuality,” he said, citing  a UK study frankly titled, “Basically…porn is everywhere.” Fagan compared modern  American society to “pagan Rome,” claiming that the proliferation of sexual  deviancy in our country is a direct threat to the “people-forming institutions”  of family, church, and school. He considers the matter of paramount importance  to civilization as a whole. “Sexual intercourse, like atomic energy, is a  powerful agent for good if channeled well, but for ill if not. Healthy societies  maintain their stability by channeling the sexual energies of young adults into  marriage,” says his 2009 paper, “The Effects of Pornography on Individuals, Marriage,  Family, and Community.”

Fagan blamed today’s plague of pornography on modern media. One of his slides  included the May 2011 cover of Vogue Paris, which features a  pouting Kate Moss being groped by five anonymous male hands. Christian  organizations have pointed fingers at everything from technology to politics  when it comes to porn. In a 2013 fact sheet without footnotes or citations, a  Christian vendor of Internet filtering software called Covenant Eyes claims that 24% of smartphone users store pornographic  material on their mobile devices. The organization says that 79% of porn  performers have used marijuana, and “politically liberal people” are 19% more  likely to look at porn than others.

Using data collected by the Marriage and Religion Research Institute, Fagan  cautioned his audience about the personal consequences of pornography  consumption as well. He flipped through a slide show of charts that correlated  porn use and addiction with high  divorce rates, abortions, and deviant behavior. According to his research, those  who are exposed to porn as young adults become desensitized to its dopamine  rush, which can lead to the pursuit of distorted fantasies involving children,  the invalid and even vampires. In an earlier statement released by the FRC, he  cautioned, “For college students, the use of pornography is especially  problematic. Away from home and surrounded by friends, co-eds are susceptible to  an addiction that can destroy their education, their relationships and their  future.”

Relationships damaged by pornography use, said Fagan, can include the peer  connections that young adults learn from while at university. Though college is  a social phase of life, the consumption of porn draws individuals into  themselves and discourages positive interaction with others.

Linda Williams, a professor film studies and rhetoric at the University of  California, Berkeley, begs to differ. She and college educators around the  country have used pornography as a teaching tool and a basis for classroom  discussion. “I do believe pornography reveals a great deal about who we are as  Americans,” Williams told TIME. “Its sheer popularity warrants examination, the  same way we have studied soap opera, television and other popular media in the  past.” New York University, Vanderbilt, and Bates College are only a few of the  institutions that now use sexually explicit material in film, law and sociology  classes.

Though he opposes the exposure of young adults to pornography, Fagan claims  that he is not against academic freedom. In fact, he would like to see an  increase in the research and discussion of human sexuality on college campuses,  because he believes that informed students will choose abstinence over porn. The  centerpiece of his presentation was a graph showing that the adults who enjoy  the most frequent and pleasurable sexual activity are monogamous,  God-worshipping partners. “The single biggest irony is that by and large, those  who enjoy the sexual most, that have the most frequent sexual intercourse, are  those who follow the Judeo-Christian way,” Fagan told TIME.

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sad-manPeople generally become love addicts due to a past history of abandonment from their primary caregivers. Adult love addicts usually recognized as children that their most precious needs for validation, love and connection with one or both parents were not met. This affects their self-esteem dramatically in adult life. It results in a conscious fear of abandonment and an underlying subconscious fear of intimacy. To a love addict, intensity in a relationship is often mistaken for intimacy. As with any addiction, recovery from love addiction is a process of self-discovery. It requires taking specific steps: breaking through denial and acknowledging the addiction; owning the harmful consequences of the addiction; and intervening to stop the addictive cycle from occurring. Ultimately, love addicts must enter a grieving process to address the underlying emotional pain that is at the core of the addiction. Love addicts experience withdrawal symptoms. Working with a therapist can help guide the love addict through the process of talking about childhood experiences of abandonment, navigating through the feelings of pain, fear, anger and emptiness that may surface, and releasing old emotions that contribute to negative acting-out behaviors. A solid relationship with a skilled therapist trained in love and sex addiction can help guide the love addict through this process. From “What is Love Addiction?” By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT

“When one has nothing to lose, one becomes courageous. We are timid only when there is something we can still cling to.” – Don Juan

Back in spring, PRUK talked to an ex-porn star via Skype about her time in the industry. (We hope soon to bring you an article from D, who has a huge amount of insider knowledge that she has shared with us.) There was one sentence in particular during our conversation with her that struck us deeply at PRUK: ‘You’ll not be able to tell it if you’re watching my movies, but in 4 of them I was raped …’.

The appalling situation D found herself in is echoed with traumatic content on the users side of the fence as well. Dave, a mid-30s professional man says: ‘You are watching videos – one minute it’s sex that you are watching […] there are some real smiles, you can see the person’s getting off on the sex, if you look close. [But] if you graze the Internet for porn like I did, and if you look really close at the faces of the actresses and actors, you’ll find a new danger holds you. Is that really ecstasy? Does that person really want to be rammed that hard? Did the woman/man spanking her/him actually stop at pleasure or was that abuse you just watched?

From our conversations with people in the porn industry (performers, telephone sexline workers, filmmakers – and add that to all the problem users who have made contact), it is clear that porn is too much of a catch-all term. The erotic, sensual and pleasurable can be found on many of the thousands of websites full of adult, pornographic material. In the UK, R18-labeled fully legal pornographic material sold on DVD can be much more disturbing than many clips you might find on the web. So, and regardless of the platform porn is being viewed on, do we ever know what we are really watching? How consensual was that sex scene that made you feel uncomfortable? D and Dave both lead us to the conclusion that many people must be passively consuming abuse, and if you watch porn this should concern you – really concern you.

The Demon Mudpot’s Annual Review regarding the Temptation of the Patient in His 24th Year

My Dear Mudpot,

I’m going to regret saying this. I know I will. You are making real progress Mudpot.

Don’t make me regret that.

So lets get to your review.


I have to say I never expected the success you are having with causing depression in your patient. It seems that he is prone to depression and you have a gift for causing it. In a way, this is a real failure of yours because you waited so long to exploit it. Hopefully you didn’t wait too long.

It is so delightful that you were able to drive him back to pornography in his depression. It is so delightful to see the vermin medicate their pain with sexual images. The short term relief he feels when looking at the images will only drive him deeper into despair. I want to caution you on beating on his conscience too hard. It has the potential to drive him deeper into his depression but it also could drive him to repentance.

It is far better to find a way to burn his conscience out. Try to work our old staple conscience killers like “Nobody’s getting hurt” and “God would want me to be happy.” He is in a culture that sees no problem with pornographic images but scandalizes sexual affairs (I still can’t figure out how the Western Culture Department pulled that off). If we can destroy his conscience, we have almost won.

As he heads to his seminary graduation, it is important that he be driven deeper into a double life. Seminaries are well designed for encouraging a double life and the seminary he attends is even better suited than most. He is intellectually sharp and the faculty is much more interested in a strong theological argument and being culturally savvy than they are in being morally right.

It makes me chuckle as I write this. Mudpot, this is when our job gets fun.

These months leading up to graduation are crucial. If you can get him back into the slow spiral downward now, I suspect you will be able to continue it into whatever church work he has afterward. There is a real opportunity to neuter him.

But the risks are great. Should he be recovered by the Enemy’s Spirit, he will be much more dangerous. He will sympathize with sinners and yet struggle to resist his own sin. A vermin with his potential could be…I don’t want to think about it.

Pull out all the stops to get him to become sexually involved with another female vermin. Your work driving a wedge between him and his wife has been most fruitful. With them having sex less often, there will be more opportunity for temptation. Be ready.

Your work using his depression to drive him into video games, very good. I am more old school than that. Video gaming has never been my favorite temptation. Maybe I need to modernize a bit. Obviously it has been very effective with your patient. He is failing to carry out his responsibilities and then complains when his wife notices and brings it up. You are masterful in guiding him to use words like “controlling” and “nitpicking” and yet he avoids working on the fact that he is lazy. It is lovely to see.


I am pleased to say that these are fewer than in previous years. They are still serious and need addressing.

Remember that even thought you are having success with overwhelming him, he is still in a seminary and there is still a great deal of the Enemy’s Book around. He is often reading the book and the Enemy’s Spirit can, at any time, use those word to crush you. As much as you can, keep your patient away from the Enemy’s Book.

Additionally, you seem cavalier about the Enemy’s Spirit. He is smarter and much stronger than you are. He is patient and cunning. He is merciless and cruel. He will surprise you and overwhelm you. Be prepared for him. If there is one thing I have learned in my millennia of  work it is that he is never to be underestimated. Be very cautious and vigilant. Watch for his subtle movements and be ready to battle them.

Finally, be very aware that your patient is still claimed by the Enemy. There is nothing you can do to change that. It is not in our power to win him back. There are always plan to find a way to reclaim a vermin that the Enemy has taken, but for now, we cannot do it. The Enemy may have plans for this High Risk that we can’t anticipate.

Overall, your work is good. Don’t screw it up.

-Count Vicegrim

by Jeff Fisher on September 4, 2013


One of the worst things, but also the most common, is to berate the addict for lying to them or not being open with them. The last thing the addict needs is to have even more guilt and shame flung on him. He has enough of his own already and if he is married he will likely be hit with more than he can handle. Restoration is the job of the group/accountability partners. Getting him  back on track in recovery and helping him get rid of the things he has built up to facilitate acting out is essential. Grace and compassion are needed regardless of how hurt we may feel as accountability partners. We have been wounded by the addict but we MUST put our own hurts aside and show them the love and mercy that in Christ, God has shown us.


Once we have helped the addict get back into recovery we have to work on getting him out of the addictive lifestyle that he has rebuilt. This is a difficult stage as the addict has very strong emotional ties to these things and may be angry at any attempt to disrupt his carefully planned rituals but it MUST happen for him to be free. A greater level of accountability is necessary after a relapse. The addict should be willing to meet with someone (AP, group, counselor) at least 3 times a week but 4-5 is even better. Getting them into a lifestyle of accountability will help them get out of the addictive lifestyle.

As an AP you should be aware that just because an addict has come forward and been open with his acting out/relapse it does not mean that he is free from it. He has spent a lot of time building up his addictive life and is very protective of it. Wisdom and insight are required as well as a firm, loving hand. Don’t be fooled and don’t be harsh. Also, don’t let your own feelings get in the way.


Discouragement and a sense of failure are huge for someone who has been in recovery for a long time and then slips. Having been in this very situation in my own recovery more than once I can say that the most effective thing someone did for me was encourage me. Addicts already feel inadequate and rejection only helps feed the addiction. Acceptance and encouragement make a world of difference.

Spending time with him afterwards and talking about what setup the slip and what triggers were present will help him be aware of them next time he is tempted.

Be available for the addict to contact you when he is feeling tempted. Let him know that he can call or e-mail you whenever he feels weak. Pray for him regularly and encourage him.