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How To Make Feelings of Insecurity Go Away

psychologytoday.com · by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.

Feelings of insecurity can come from many sources, both real and imaginary. You may feel unsure about whether other people really like you or whether you’ll get to keep your job. Or you may just be generally insecure. Whether the basis of your insecurity is real or not, the feeling can be crippling unless you know how to handle it. A new study by Peking University’s Wenjie Yuan and Lei Wang (2016) provides a simple step you can take to keep insecurity from getting in the way of your happiness and your mental health.

As proposed by Yuan and Wang, there are specific forms of insecurity, but also a general life insecurity, which they regard as detrimental to your mental health. They define general life insecurity as “a diffuse psychological concern about the safety issues across all life domains including, but not limited to insecurities of job, food, economic affairs, public incidents, health and medicine, and traffic” (p. 312).

The authors draw from Hobfall’s (1989) classic stress theory, Conservation of Resources (COR), which proposes that insecurity drains resources from our mental bandwidth, sapping any resources that are already threatened by loss or the prospect of loss. It’s difficult to concentrate on what you need to do to improve a bad situation if the situation itself is causing your coping resources to drain away.

The potentially easy way to put an end to those insecurities, as proposed by Yuan and Wang, is to crank up your optimism levels. When you’re optimistic, you tend to attribute events that could have negative consequences in a way that reduces their threat value, primarily by seeing those events as being caused by outside factors that will undoubtedly change for the better. Being an optimist, in other words, means that you see the glass as half full, that you ultimately view it as completely fillable, and that you are not responsible for its emptying.

It stands to reason that optimism would be beneficial to your mental health, and the Peking University researchers maintain that optimistic people are not only happier and less anxious, but better prepared to handle stress as well. Their optimism becomes a resource they can draw on in times of difficulty. The beneficial effect isn’t unlimited—under enough actual insecurity, when one is in danger for prolonged periods, it can become entirely eroded.

To test the relationship among insecurity, optimism, and mental health, Yuan and Wang recruited a sample of 209 adults (52 percent male, with an average age of 29) to complete questionnaires over two time points, about a month apart. The researchers used a four-item measure of general insecurity, gauging whether participants felt that all aspects of their life were “safe,” whether they felt generally insecure in “current social conditions,” “when walking down the street sometimes,” or it they wanted to “escape” due to feeling threatened.

The tendency to attribute success and failure to external events was assessed by asking participants to indicate, for example, how much chance causes problems in their relationships with friends. A Chinese version of a measure of “psychological capital” assessed whether participants tend to “look on the bright side.” Finally, general mental health was measured by asking participants to complete a standard questionnaire that included an assessment of one’s ability to concentrate.

The prediction was that the tendency to use external attribution would play a role in affecting optimism’s role in reducing the effects of insecurity on mental health. In other words, people who tend to make external attributions could face situations that threaten their feelings of security by drawing on optimism as a coping resource. Looking at this result, you may conclude that it’s fine to be optimistic as long as you’re a “glass half full” kind of person. However, the authors argue that optimism is modifiable: It’s a state (something that one can change) and not a trait (part and parcel of your personality).

In viewing optimism as modifiable, we can now discuss the challenge of viewing situations that threaten your safety and security in a favorable enough light so that you can cope with them. The ability to do so seems to lie in the attributional piece of the puzzle. Although the study regarded the tendency to externalize as a part of one’s psychological makeup, because it is a cognitive attribute (a function of the way we think), it would also seem to be modifiable under the right circumstances.

Let’s consider what happens when you’re facing a job interview or a first meeting with someone you met online. The measure of insecurity used in this particular study involved a general sense of being threatened, not a specific situation. However, if you’re someone who goes about your day feeling uncertain and afraid, such a situation could tap into those general feelings of anxiety about how you’ll respond. You may know it’s best for you to maintain an optimistic attitude because you’ll seem more self-confident and therefore more attractive to a potential employer or date. However, in the back of your mind, all you can think about is the last time you blew an interview or first date, and how badly it reflects on your personal qualifications; your insecurity levels are now sky-high.

Instead of making an internal attribution for your failure on the previous occasion, the study suggests you find someone or something else to blame: You didn’t get enough sleep; the weather was bad; the other person lacked the wisdom to see your many stellar qualities. You were not at fault. Now you can change your outlook and approach this new situation with a much brighter view of what’s going to happen. Presumably, your lowered stress levels will make that success all the more likely to occur.

It’s not necessarily wise, of course, to chronically ignore negative outcomes or personal culpability when bad things happen to you; you can always learn from failure. In the moment of trying to prepare for a successful encounter, though, that negativity will only make things worse.

Taking a vacation from self-blame can be the key to giving yourself the latitude to succeed, even at difficult tasks. By building your optimism, you can tackle feelings of insecurity through “proactive behaviors” (p. 316) that nip them in the bud. You may not be able to fend off all forms of insecurity all the time, but you’ll at least be able to prevent the threats that are within your control.

References

Hobfoll, S. E. (1989). Conservation of resources: A new attempt at conceptualizing stress. American Psychologist, 44(3), 513–524.

Yuan, W., & Wang, L. (2016). Optimism and attributional style impact on the relationship between general insecurity and mental health. Personality and Individual Differences, 101312-317. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2016.06.005

psychologytoday.com · by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.

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Understanding the Neurobiology of Sex Addiction

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/22/understanding-the-neurobiology-of-sex-addiction/

Alexandra Katehakis, a Senior Fellow at The Meadows, recently talked with Tami Simon of Sounds True’s Insights at the Edge podcast on a wide range of topics, including…

  • the roots of sexual dysfunction,
  • “grownup sex,” (i.e. sexuality based in honest communication of needs, preferences, and desires for novelty),
  • asexuality,
  • sexuality without intimacy, and
  • why orgasms are overrated.

Alexandra will also be presenting on sexual dysregulation during Sounds True’s Neuroscience Training Summit 2017 on March 23.

Here are a few highlights from the podcast episode:

What’s the difference between having a sex addiction and just being someone who just likes to have a lot of sex?

Alexandra: “One of the differences, main differences, is that people who declare themselves “sex addicts” are in a profound amount of pain as a result of their sexual behaviors. So what may have started out as fun or being used as a way to sort of get out of one’s head—or not deal with psychic pain that some people know or don’t know they have—quickly turns into the proverbial albatross around their neck.

They’ll have a high level of preoccupation with getting into the sexual experience, so sex becomes—there’s a myopia, there’s a shutting down of everything other than getting that experience. It becomes a collapsing of one’s life, and people typically report messes—or what they call “unmanageability” in the 12-Step Program—as a result of having this kind of destructive, painful sex. Which is different from someone who likes to have sex, enjoys it, feels sensual, it feels enlivening to them, and what we think of as life-affirming.” Have you worked with people who aren’t quite sure whether or not they have a sex addiction? How do you help them?

Alexandra: “The term gets thrown around quite a bit now and it doesn’t really fit the bill unless there’s a lot of assessment that’s done appropriately to look at whether there’s a long standing pattern of compulsivity and if this person has in effect created these adaptive strategies that become states over time so if for example you have a child who grows up in a very, very dangerous dysfunctional neglectful household and they start to learn through fantasy whether ti’s comic book fantasy or more commonly we see today kids getting on the internet and looking at internet pornography as early as six and eight years old, and that is there sole way of regulating themselves or feeling good what happens is that the brain starts to form around those patterned behaviors and so what is initially a coping strategy that helps that person manage difficult, lonely, sad, terrorized feelings over time becomes who they are, and they therefore can’t not do what they do. And so that’s the point where is “an addiction.” That these are tenacious neuronal networks that are wired together in the brain because they’ve been firing together for so long.”

“So, just because someone has an affair or looks at internet pornography does not make them a sex addict, it requires a lot of scrupulous assessment to see if that’s really true for each person and then some people like that term, some people don’t. I don’t have bias about what people call it I’m more interested in helping people get out of the snarl they’re in and move towards a healthier, more life affirming sexuality.”

How do you help sex addicts find a way to heal?

Alexandra: “Well, first, I take a very extensive history, because oftentimes these patterns get set not only in childhood, but sometimes really in infancy, depending on the level to which the person is chronically dysregulated, meaning unable to soothe themselves—wherein they’re always reaching for something outside of themselves to make themselves feel better.”

“Sometimes if somebody recalls or knows that their mother had a very difficult pregnancy or she was anxious or depressed at birth, that tells us that she was likely unable to attune to her infant so that she could bring his or her systems to fruition in the way they are meant to be optimally. So, if she’s anxious, her infant’s going to be anxious. If she’s depressed, the infant will be depressed. These are functions that get set up early, early on—some of which can be changed, some of which cannot down the road.”

“Also, if that person suffered any kind of emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse as a young person, or was grossly neglected, then they’re going to have a lot of trouble with regulating themselves. When a child is left alone or abused, he or she will find ways of coping. It’s sort of a natural adaptive strategy for survival. So, whether it’s fantasy or compulsive masturbation or, as I said before, disappearing into Internet pornography or even making up stories in one’s own head, all of those things are set up to make the pain or the sadness or the loneliness go away.”

“Oftentimes, children like that are set up to become addicts, whether they’re drug addicts or alcoholics or gamblers or eating—it’s hard to say why people choose which behavior to be compulsive with. But when they do, it’s helpful for clients to understand why what they’re doing makes a lot of sense. So, rather than feeling shameful or like they’re bad or damaged or broken, we look at why it makes good sense that they would be doing what they’re doing today because they adapted this a long, long time ago to survive. But, now it’s keeping them from having a healthy relationship or a healthy sex life, or being able to even be in a relationship, if that’s what they desire. That would be the start of treatment.” Learn More

To listen to the Insights at The Edge podcast with Alexandra Katehakis in its entirety, or to read a transcript, visit the Sounds True website.

To learn more about sex addiction workshops, inpatient programs and outpatient programs offered at The Meadows call 800-244-4949 or go to www.themeadows.com.

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Internet Pornography Addiction Is a Growing Problem for Men, Women, and Children

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/24/internet-pornography-addiction-is-a-growing-problem-for-men-women-and-children/

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D.recently sat down with Pat McMahon on Arizona Daily Mix to talk about the prevalence of sex and pornography addiction among men, women, and even children in our society. Dr. Carnes is a Senior Fellow at The Meadows and is the clinical architect of Willow House at The Meadows, our new love and sex addiction treatment program for women. Here are a few highlights from the conversation:

How do you diagnose someone with sex addiction?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: It can sometimes be overdiagnosed. Some people will think that just because they are struggling a little bit with pornography or they had an affair that they are potentially a sex addict. We look for specific criteria, though, to determine if someone is a sex addict.

We’re looking to determine if the person:

  • is continuing despite consequences,
  • has destroyed their relationships,
  • spends excessive amounts of time preoccupied with their behavior, and/or
  • has tried to stop the behavior and failed.

Sex addicts can even have psychological withdrawal symptoms from not being able to access the behavior. And they can build up tolerance as well. You can have people who are compulsively viewing pornography who have to use more and more to get the same effect.

Is pornography addiction more common today?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Whenever you have the increased availability of something, you have more addiction. So, in places that have more bars, you have more problem drinking; where you have more casinos, you have more problem gambling; where you have meth labs, you see more meth addiction. So now that the internet is so prevalent and everywhere, we’re starting to see a lot more internet pornography addiction. For clinicians, it’s incredibly common to have that present in a patient in your office.

Are people exposed to pornography at younger ages these days?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: The average age of first exposure to pornography is 11. We’re starting to see people have problems with it at ages as young as 9 and 10. Children are being exposed to very graphic material at an early age and they don’t know how to handle it.

If you find out that your child has seen pornography, take care not to shame them. It’s very common and we want to treat them with sensitivity. Normalize the experience. Explain that this happens to a lot of children, that anyone can be exposed to pornography. Teach them that it can be addictive and teach them about healthy sexuality. Because what they’re seeing might be violent, or perhaps unusual, or maybe even deviant sexuality depending on what kind of pornography they’re seeing. That can be difficult to understand for an 11-year-old.

Do women struggle with sex addiction too?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Absolutely. It’s a little bit different for women than it is for men. Women present with a little bit more love and relationship addiction as well as sex addiction, so their behaviors often involve things like multiple relationships at the same time, affairs, hooking up, falling in love over and over again, lots of sequential relationships. So, it usually presents with more of a relationship addiction feel. But, it’s also very common for women to struggle with pornography, hook-ups on online apps like Tinder, one night stands, and those kinds of things.

Does sex addiction treatment involve abstinence?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Recovery from sex addiction is more like recovery from an eating disorder. When you are recovering from an eating disorder, instead of abstaining, you have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with food.

What kind of treatment is available?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Sex Addiction is a lot more common that people think. Treatment is available on both an inpatient and outpatient basis. People tend to do very well in treatment. Sometimes they can start in outpatient treatment and get a lot of help and support there. They’ll want to get a trained therapist; someone who is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist is most helpful in these instances.

Call 800-244-4949 for more information about The Meadows’ sex addiction treatment options or send us an email.

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The Purpose of Boundaries

Mark 7:14–23 – “Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that defiles them.’ After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. ‘Are you so dull?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them? For it doesn’t go into their heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body.’ (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean.) He went on: ‘What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.’”

Jesus’ explanation reveals how boundaries help us define who we are and are not. Through them we can take ownership of all of who we are, both good and bad. It is only by taking full ownership of what is on our property and within our own boundaries that we can grow.

Mark¬ 7:14-¬23 is a great description of some of the “not so good” stuff that hangs out in our hearts. All property needs to be cleaned up every once in a while, and our hearts are no different. Jesus tells us that our hearts are in need of this kind of responsible “cleaning up.”

Every kind of growth system that works, from counseling to spiritual direction to recovery, involves looking past our outer behavior to the root causes that lie within our hearts. Sometimes, pain and hurt are to blame and sometimes, as this passage indicates, sinful attitudes and desires are the root causes. Whatever the case, God has forgiven us and that forgiveness gives us the freedom to take a real, hard look at what lies within our hearts. The reward for doing this is that we get healthy and life gets better.

That’s why we like to say that boundaries make life better!

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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Permission to come aboard

Keith B. – NotUnknown.com

OK, I have a confession to make. I like supernatural stories. Vampires, magic, science fiction, paranormal. Something about these fantasies intrigue me. I like the traditional ones like Dracula, Frankenstein, as well as the more contemporary like the Anne Rice ones and the newer ones like the Harry Potter books and the Dresden Files. I love a good fantastical story.

The mythology around all these stories varies. The written and unwritten rules of engagement with supernatural beings provides structure but also a lot of tension. Like how vampires can change shapes, have to avoid sunlight, and are repelled by crosses and holy water. What I find weird in these stories is that most of these beings can’t just enter a home, they have to be invited in. These all powerful and destructive beings can only enter your house if they have an invitation!

Growing up in a Southern Baptist home, accepting the free gift of Christ and salvation were impressed upon me at a young age. I remember clearly as a nine year old praying a prayer to ask for forgiveness of my sins and for Christ to have control of my life. And I thought that was it.

Throughout my adult life, I knew that I believed in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That I accepted the free gift of salvation. But somehow, my life never changed. I couldn’t understand why. As I began a life in recovery, working through the twelve steps, I came to step three, not really sure what else I had to do. I had given God control. Or so I thought.

My counselor explained it to me this way.
“What one thing happens when you pray to ask for His grace and forgiveness,” he asked?
“I am forgiven.”
“That’s right. You are forgiven. But you still have all of those character defects, fears, flaws. They don’t immediately just go away. You actually have work to do to identify them with God’s help. To turn over each and every one to Him.”

And that’s what helped me to prepare for step four. I had to turn my life AND will over to God to begin the searching and fearless moral inventory that step four requires. In order to address all those defects that define my brokenness, I had to give God permission to make me aware of each and every one of them. I can only address them in His timing and by giving Him permission.

Have you given God permission to enter? To identify those flaws, fears, and defects that define your own brokenness? Start with turning your life and will over to Him. Continue by daily allowing Him to identify each area and ask for His guidance in addressing them. In His timing, not yours.

Step four. Time to let Him in and clean house. One at a time. Get started!