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3 Things to Remember When It’s Hard to Forgive

SOURCE:   Lysa TerKeurst, author of Uninvited

Have you ever struggled to choose forgiveness over bitterness in the midst of feeling rejected, abandoned, or hurt?

Let me be the friend who takes you by the hand to say… I understand. Choosing to forgive is hard, especially when it feels like you or someone you care for has been treated unfairly.

But the truth is, it’s good (and biblical) for us to extend forgiveness. And when we release the offense into the hands of God, we can begin to make room for healing in our hearts.

Here are 3 things to remember when forgiving others is the last thing we want to do:

Forgiveness doesn’t justify them, it frees YOU!

Forgiving someone is making the decision to choose mercy and grace over bitterness and resentment. To love God is to cooperate with His grace. Luke 6:36 says,

Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Since I’m so very aware of my own need for grace, I must be willing to freely give it away, too.

Each hole left from rejection must become an opportunity to create more and more space for grace in my heart. Forgiveness doesn’t validate them, and it doesn’t justify their hurtful actions.

Giving grace helps me. It sets me free.

What does giving grace look like in my life?

…do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. — Luke 6:27-28

Today I will:

Speak with honor in the midst of being dishonored.

Speak with peace in the midst of being threatened.

Speak of good things in the midst of a bad situation.

We have an enemy, but it’s not each other.

Truth proclaimed and lived out is a fiercely accurate weapon against evil.

How I feel:

I very much feel like my struggle is against them.

I have been deeply hurt by this struggle.

It’s hard to see that my struggle isn’t with them or caused by them.

However, truth tells me something different. Truth says I have an enemy… but it’s not the person I’m trying hard to forgive. They may very well be the cause of some hurt in my life, but they’re not my enemy.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. — Ephesians 6:12

Point your crosshairs at the real enemy and start firing off positive statements about this person who has caused pain in your life. List three things about them that are good. Then remember a fourth and fifth. Picture each of these positive statements wounding the devil and shaming him away from you.

Forgiveness releases an offense into the hands of God so that you can heal.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean I’ll get my storybook ending. But it will bring peace and honor to a situation that would otherwise leave me bitter, defensive, and hurting. I have to trust God to get me through this forgiveness journey so that I can finally heal.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you. — Isaiah 26:3

Lift up your hurt and honest feelings to the Lord through prayer, whether it’s written or verbal. Here’s one to get you started:

Lord, I don’t know all the details entangled in this issue. But You know all. Therefore, You are the only one who can handle all. There are a lot of things my flesh is tempted to seek — fairness, my right to be right, proof of their wrongdoing, to make them see things from my vantage point — but at this point, the only thing healthy for me to seek is You. You alone. I’m going to be obedient to You and let You handle everything else. In Your Name, Amen.
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Original devotion written by Lysa TerKeurst for Devotionals Daily featuring Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely, copyright TerKeurst Foundation. 

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Being Present

Checking out was my way of being selfish. When I reflect on how I was before, it’s hard for me to understand how I could purposefully miss so much. That’s exactly what I did, purposefully miss so much of my marriage. Events in my sons’ lives that seemed small at the time but seem gigantic now. Thinking about those specific times, I feel like an outsider. Around sometimes but never fully there. Just on the periphery. Watching but not participating. Missing all the important moments.

As I think about many of those times now, I can’t for the life of me understand how pursuing personal gratification was more important than my wife or my boys. The list of events I missed is long. The number of things I was physically present for and mentally absent is much much longer. A lot of those times I remember from photos but the actual memories are a blur. Like I saw a snippet of a video but didn’t really see the whole thing. I have the Cliff’s notes version of parts of my memories. 

I am reminded of what I have missed by those that were present. My wife and I are remodeling a house and preparing to move. We were pulling out old pictures and came upon some from my oldest son’s junior year. It was when he had a lead role in his high school play. I made it back for the performance after having revealed to my wife and sons that I wanted to leave them. My wife let me know that I could come home if I would walk away from that affair partner. I took the way out and ran towards home. Only I still wasn’t completely present. 

My oldest son saw the picture and the look on his face. He commented how painful that time was. How justified he and his brother were for hating me during that time. Later, I realized how much he hated me. In that picture, during that moment, I had no idea. Looking at his face in that photo now, I see the pain and hurt at one of the most important times in his life. That pain and hurt is ingrained in his expression because of me. I feel like throwing up just thinking about it and what I did to him.

My youngest son likes to go to Starbucks for coffee, really because he likes getting out of the house and driving. He is graduating from high school this year. Any time he asks me to ride with him, I go. We were recently driving when a song came on the radio. He got very quiet. I didn’t understand what was going on. He immediately turned off the music, which is very unlike him. I asked him what was going on. 

“I can’t listen to that song,” he said.

“Why not,” I asked? “What’s wrong with it?”

“Don’t you remember it,” he asked?

“No, I don’t. Should I?”

“It was popular when you and Mom were fighting so much. Right after you came back home.”

Ugh. I could see the lines at the corners of his mouth turning down. The stress across his brow. The pain that hadn’t dissipated from four years prior. Still just under the surface.

“I know you and I have talked a lot about that time. I just want you to know again how sorry I am for how I hurt you and your brother and especially your Mom. Nothing can excuse that. I am so sorry.”

“I know,” he said.

“You and I also talked about how I could make amends to you. The only way I know how is to be a good Dad, be present, and always tell you the truth. Is there anything else I can do,” I asked?

“No, just do that. Be honest. Tell me the truth. And be here.”

COVID-19 and the results of a global pandemic have been overwhelming to so many people. Sickness, death, job loss, economic hardship, food shortages, isolation. The effects are still being meted out on all of us. As I search through the circumstances of now and look for how God can use this for His benefit, the one area I see is the ability to be present. In the midst of all of this, I have been allowed to spend so much time with my wife and kids. Even as they are out of the house or about to be out, they have both been staying with us through this. I can’t even quantify how incredible this time has been with them.

Keith B. NotUnknown.com

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Thank you God for giving me an opportunity to be present.

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Sex on the Brain: Frequent #Sex Might Have Cognitive Benefits | Psychology Today

Frequent sex might enhance our performance on certain cognitive tasks. A growing body of research on both humans and animals published in the last decade points to this conclusion, including a new study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Here’s a look at the accumulated evidence and what it suggests about how sex might benefit the brain.

First, a 2010 study published in the journal PLoS ONE discovered a link between sexual activity and neuron growth in male rats. Specifically, rats that were permitted to have sex daily over a two-week period demonstrated more neuron growth than rats that were only allowed to have sex once during the same amount of time.

Building on this, a 2013 study published in the journal Hippocampus — which also focused on male rats — found that daily sexual activity was not only associated with the generation of more new neurons, but also with enhanced cognitive function.

Research on humans has yielded similar findings. A 2016 study published in Age and Aging looked at how the sexual practices of nearly 7,000 adults aged 50-89 related to their performance on a number sequencing task (which measured executive functions, such as problem-solving) and a word recall task (which measured memory ability). It turned out that both men and women who had engaged in any kind of sex over the past year had higher scores on the word recall test. Furthermore, for men only, being sexually active was linked to better performance on the number sequencing task.

Likewise, a 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior examined how sexual activity was linked to performance on a common memory task in a sample of 78 heterosexual women aged 18-29. Specifically, scientists looked at whether their frequency of sexual intercourse was associated with memory while controlling for several other factors, such as grade point average, menstrual cycle phase, oral contraceptive use, and relationship length. The results revealed that women who engaged in more frequent sexual intercourse had better recall of abstract words on the test.

Last but not least, a new study out this year (also in the Archives of Sexual Behavior) that involved approximately 6,000 adults age 50 and over explored how sexual frequency was associated with performance on two episodic memory tasks administered two years apart. Participants who had sex more often had better performance on the memory test. It’s worth noting that more emotional closeness during sex was linked to better memory performance, too. However, it’s important to point out that memory performance declined for everyone over the course of the study and being sexually active did not prevent this decline. What this means is that while sex is linked to a higher baseline for memory performance, it doesn’t necessarily prevent cognitive decline in older age: We’ll all experience it at some point, whether we’re sexually active or not.

As always, more research is necessary, especially research that can help to establish cause-and-effect in humans and that explores what actually happens in the brain in response to frequent sex. That said, the overall pattern of findings to date is consistent with the idea that sex may very well be beneficial for our brains and our cognitive performance.

References

Leuner, B., Glasper, E. R., & Gould, E. (2010). Sexual experience promotes adult neurogenesis in the hippocampus despite an initial elevation in stress hormones. PLoS One, 5(7), e11597.

Glasper, E. R., & Gould, E. (2013). Sexual experience restores age‐related decline in adult neurogenesis and hippocampal function. Hippocampus, 23(4), 303-312.

Wright, H., & Jenks, R. A. (2016). Sex on the brain! Associations between sexual activity and cognitive function in older age. Age and Aging, 45(2), 313-317.

Maunder, L., Schoemaker, D., & Pruessner, J. C. (2017). Frequency of Penile–Vaginal Intercourse is Associated with Verbal Recognition Performance in Adult Women. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 441-453.

Allen, M. S. (2018). Sexual Activity and Cognitive Decline in Older Adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 82: Interview with Joe Dallas – The Game Plan

82 – Interview with Joe Dallas – The Game Plan 

Joe Dallas is an author, counselor, and speaker that is highly sought for his expertise in addiction recovery.  He has his own story of struggling and finding healing in recovery.  He now writes books, hosts conferences, and dedicates his time to helping others overcome sexual sin. 

In this episode, joe and Doug discuss ideas of “being Christian” even though we sin/have sinned greatly.  Is that possible? 

Joe has deep knowledge of working through issues of Same Sex Attraction, so Doug and Joe discuss strategies for men to overcome that.  

Remember that you are not alone on this road of recovery…..for more information please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.   

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You Need to Accept the Reality of Failure

SOURCE:  Rick Warren

”There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake” (Ecclesiastes 7:20 GNT).

In America, failure is almost the unpardonable sin. We idolize success.

But that kind of pressure creates major stress on people. The fear of failure has many different faces. It can cause you to be indecisive, a workaholic, and a perfectionist who clings to safety. Because we’re afraid to fail, we shun all kinds of risks.

For many of us, that fear of failure has an iron grip on our hearts. Even some of the best and the brightest people in the world are the most impacted by a fear of failure.

That’s why I urge you to internalize this one simple message: We’ve all made mistakes. It’s not just a “you problem”; it’s a human problem. The Bible says, “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake” (Ecclesiastes 7:20 GNT).

Not only have you made mistakes in the past, but you’ll also make more in the future. I guarantee it. Even playing it safe and refusing to take risks is a mistake. As a pastor, I hear people ask all the time, “What if I fail?” I want to ask them, “What do you mean ‘if?'”

You’ve already failed many, many times in life. So have I. You’re a failure in some area of your life right now. And you’ll fail a lot more in the future.

Even superstars stumble. The greatest professional basketball players only sink half their shots. The best professional baseball players will get out two out of every three at-bats. Failure is normal.

You’ll never overcome your fear of failure until you fully accept the reality that you’re not perfect.

The Bible says there is only one failure you need to fear: “Be careful that no one fails to receive God’s grace” (Hebrews 12:15 NCV).

You need grace. We all do!

Only when we let go of the fear of failure will it let go of its maddening grip on our lives. Once that happens, we can fully accept the grace of God