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May 28, 2023 By Castimonia

The Minimization of Pornography

Originally posted at: https://andrewjbauman.com/the-minimization-of-pornography/

“I have been in sin and need prayer” or “I have a problem with lust” are common confessions within the church context. Those with a bit more courage will at least admit that they are struggling with pornography or wandering thoughts about females. But even that has become so normative and “every man’s battle” that it seems to be a collective “oh well, at least you admitted it, and we will pray for you.” The problem is, we have no idea about how to address the root causes or how to actually begin to honor beauty and not devour the feminine.

We must begin to view pornography, at the very least, as abuse and violence. Research confirms that “Aggressive acts against women in pornography occur in roughly 87% of the scenes, and 95% of the time when these acts are committed, women respond with expressions of pleasure or neutrality.” 1 This means that many of our young men and boys are taught that sexual aggression is customary—and even enjoyed—by women. I know this was my story and what led me to be an unsafe and abusive man in my late teens and early twenties. I believe the minimization of pornography has impacted us not to tell the truth about what porn is doing to our ability to attain healthy sexuality.

Instead of calling porn a “lust problem” or even merely a “sin,” what if we had the integrity and courage to call it “domestic terrorism.” Literally, it is terrorizing young men’s sexual development, and terrorizing women’s view of their own beauty and sense of worth. Everyone who encounters it becomes an object and less human. Rather than minimize porn’s impact (I have a “lust” problem”) we must maximize it and truly feel the weight of exploiting another image bearer of God.

We do not need to be afraid to call on men to become more. We can’t treat men as helpless “baby cavemen” without the ability to have deep emotions or engage their deepest desires. Men are brilliant and capable, and yes, sinful. But men are more than their unresolved childhood wounds. The church has catered far too long to insecure, violent, and adolescent men. This doesn’t mean we should shame men, because shame never leads to transformation. We are seeking to create deep humility, not humiliation.

God is Truth and the more we tell the truth (and do not minimize it) the more we experience God and God’s glorious liberation.

Reference

1. Ana J. Bridges, Robert Wosnitzer, Erica Scharrer, Chyng Sun, and Rachael Liberman, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update,” Violence Against Women 16, no. 10 (2010): 1065-1085

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, porn, pornography, recovery, Sex, sex addiction, sexual, sexual purity

May 20, 2023 By Castimonia

Hurt

Johnny Cash remade this song about addiction originally written by Trent Reznor. Both Cash and Reznor were recovering addicts.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, porn, pornography, recovery, Sex, sex addiction, sexual, sexual purity

May 12, 2023 By Castimonia

Destroying Porn Addiction Starts with Destroying Shame

Originally posted: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/09/19/destroying-porn-addiction-shame/

Is destroying porn addiction possible? For many men and women, this habit runs so deep, our personal vows to stop seem worthless to us anymore.

The Bible sees a vital link between sexual sin and social shame. The apostle Paul said those whose lives are marked by sexual immorality and impurity commit these acts “in secret” (Ephesians 5:3,12). Paul likens this way of life as hiding in “darkness” (v.8, 11). Sexual sin seeks out dark corners to hide so its deeds are not exposed to God or to others (John 3:20).

The problem is not the sense of shame itself. Shame is the natural reaction when creatures created in the image of God and sin collide: something in our conscience recognizes we are failing in the eyes of the our friends, family, the world, God—or even ourselves. Shame is meant to wake us up to the relational breaches caused by sin and push us toward restoration.

But that is not often what happens. Shame gets mixed with the false belief that we are too broken or too wicked for God to accept or change us—much less other people. So we hide.

John Lynch of TrueFaced talks about this in this video…

Choosing Not to Hide

Destroying porn addiction starts when we choose to confront the shame we feel around it. We must choose to come out of hiding, confess our struggle with others, and build safeguards that prevent us from hiding ever again.

Porn thrives in the haven of anonymity; it is killed in the light of accountability.

Porn flourishes in the dark of secrecy; it is destroyed in the sunlight.

Step #1: Safeguard Your Devices from Secrecy

Technology has not only become the easiest access point for pornography, it is also the easiest place to hide. Thanks to WiFi, 4G networks, laptops, and smartphones, you can view porn nearly anywhere at any time, and the risk of being seen has never been lower.

Step #2: Safeguard Your Heart from Toxic Shame

As we said already, shame is a normal response to sin. In fact, in the Bible, being shameless is a sign that something is seriously wrong—sinning is broad daylight is an indication of great hardheartedness. But shame becomes toxic when it is reinforced by the idea that we and our relationships are irreparable and irredeemable.

We can fight this belief by creating for ourselves a circles of friends where we fight this false belief together. These friends are not only ideal people to receive your Internet Accountability Reports, but people who will also hold you accountable to your tendency to hide in shame.

Here are some questions you can ask one another:

  • In an effort to protect your image, have you been tempted to minimize, explain away, or hide the true face of your sin to me?
  • Are you resting completely in what Christ has done for you—not obsessing about your failures or putting stock in your own performance?
  • Are you resting in your identity as God’s beloved child, or do you feel more like a spiritual orphan that has to perform for God to love you?

Even more than accountability for our behavior, we must be accountable for our false beliefs that drive us into hiding. We must remind one another there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), that Christ has paid for our sins through His death (Hebrews 10:13).

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, castimonia, porn, pornography, recovery, Sex, sex addiction, sexual, sexual purity, shame

May 4, 2023 By Castimonia

19 Possible Motives Triggering Your Porn Consumption

Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/09/16/19-possible-motive-triggers-porn-consumption/

Often triggers and motive are treated as two distinct things, and there are differences. But those differences are more akin to two sides of the same coin than apples and oranges. In this post we’ll examine the things that trigger your sexual sin and the motives attached to those triggers. As you identify the trigger-motive for your sexual sin, we also want you to begin to see how you are treating your sin like a friend, ally, refuge, etc. These insights are essential for repentance to make sense as a central part of change. Unless we see how our sin seeks to replace God in our life, then our need to be made right with God comes across as if God is unduly hung up about our sexuality. 

Your struggle with sexual addiction doesn’t start with your behavior. It begins with what you want, what you live for. – David Powlison in Sexual Addiction (p. 6)

1. Boredom (Sin as My Joy)

When boredom is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin has become our joy. When there is a moment to be filled with something of our choosing, we pursue sin to fill the void rather than God or any of His legitimate pleasures. We begin to lose our appetite for godly pleasure like the child who eats sweets stops wanting healthy food. Even as they feel sluggish from the ups and downs of sugary “treats” they fail to connect this to their diet but go instead for another sugar high as the “obvious” solution.

Sex is not ultimate… Idols begin as good things to which we give too much importance, and few things slide over into idolatry with greater frequency or greater power than sex. We allow a good gift of God to supersede the God who gave it. Sex is good, even great, but it’s not ultimate. –Tim Challies in Sexual Detox (p. 61)

Read Nehemiah 8:9-12. God is a God of great joys and pleasure. Too often we view God as so serious that we believe “fun” must be in His opposite direction. When God called Israel to repentance through Nehemiah and Ezra, He asked them to express their repentance in celebration. If the motive of boredom leads you to sin, then allow this passage to challenge your view of God. Related resource: Hobbies and Habits-Fighting Porn with Purpose

2. Loneliness (Sin as My Friend)

When loneliness is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our “friend.” Sexual sin is always relational whether the relationship is fictional or physical, so it fits loneliness well. It’s as if our sin (a person, a chat room, or a video) calls to us, “Tell me your troubles.” We gladly pull up a chair and unload. As we do, talking to a real person or one who is not part of our sin becomes too risky. We now fear being judged or known by anyone but our “friend.”

It’s a perfect world that I can create. Things always go exactly my way. People do exactly what I want. I’m always on top. Fantasy is a great ego-feeder. –Anonymous testimony in David Powlison’s Pornography: Slaying the Dragon (p. 19)

Read Proverbs 27:6. During sexual sin we write this proverb backwards. We believe, “Faithful are the kisses of any enemy; profuse are the wounds of a friend.” When sin reverses the roles of friend and enemy, it traps us until we return the right labels to the people in our lives. If the motive of loneliness leads you to sexual sin, then prayerfully examine who or what you call “friend.”

3. Stress (Sin as My Comforter)

When stress is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our comforter. We run to it, her, or him. Sin or our adultery partner makes things better (at least as long as it, she, or he remains hidden and keeps us to themselves). Yet the comfort takes on an addictive quality. The stress from which we are relieved is multiplied by the stress it, she, or he creates. This keeps us in a cycle of stress and returning to a primary source of stress for relief.

We crave intimacy at a relational level. We feel lonely. But we also fear intimacy. We’re not sure we can attain it or be vulnerable enough to handle it. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 47)

Read John 14:25-31. Jesus describes the Holy Spirit as “the Helper” or “the Comforter” (v. 26) and as the source of peace–distinct from the world’s peace which always returns us to fear (v. 27). If a source of comfort doesn’t allow you to be more real with more people, then it isn’t true comfort. It’s a drug that numbs you before it makes you sick. If the motive of stress leads you to sexual sin, then examine whether your “comfort” is real or a form of relational self-medication.

4. Frustration (Sin as My Peace)

When frustration is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our source of peace. Sin is treated as an “oasis.” When this happens we label sin as our “safe place” as compared to the parts of life that are upsetting. This makes sin our friend and anyone or anything that opposes or interferes with our sin our enemy. Read Romans 16:17-20 and I Thessalonians 5:22-24: Notice each of the passages refer to knowing the God of peace as the alternative to falling into temptations based upon deceitful desires. Where you turn for peace when you are frustrated is the determining variable of your character. Once you declare something or someone as the source of your peace, you will be loyal to and obey it.

5. Fatigue (Sin as My Source of Life)

When fatigue is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our source of life. We turn to sin as our boost to get through the day. The thought of our sin keeps us going when we feel like giving up. The adrenaline of sexual satisfaction (physical or romantic) becomes a drug we use to artificially stimulate ourselves–one we begin to wonder whether we could live without. Read 2 Corinthians 4:7-18: This passage uses many words that can be synonyms for or create fatigue: afflicted (v. 8), perplexed (v. 8), persecuted (v. 9), struck down (v. 9), and wasting away (v. 16). Fatigue can make you feel alone, and sexual sin becomes your life giving companion. Paul says that it’s only Christ who can be the life in us that counters the fatiguing death around us (v. 10-12). To doubt this truth reveals that we are believing (or at least listening attentively to) lies.

6. Hurt (Sin as My Refuge)

When hurt is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our refuge. In our moments of sinful escape we feel protected from life and a growing allegiance develops towards our sin. In actuality, our sexual sin provides as much protection as a child pulling the covers over his/her head. But in our moment of hurt, we appreciate even the pseudo-refuge of sin compared to the perceived absence of any other refuge. Read Psalm 31: This Psalm alternates between a cry for help and a song of confidence. In this, the Psalm reveals the realness with which Scripture speaks to life. Sexual sin is a pseudo-refuge on demand. Even when we can’t have the sin, we can fantasize about his/her presence. However, the real refuge of God is available through the same type of prayerful-meditative exercise as our fantasy, but it’s actually able to deliver us through the guidance of Scripture, the presence of His Spirit, and the involvement of His people.

7. Betrayal (Sin as My Revenge)

When betrayal is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our revenge. We know how powerful betrayal is (especially sexual betrayal), so we decide to use its power for our purposes to avenge those who have hurt us. Blinded by pain we try to use pain to conquer pain but only multiply pain. We continue this potentially infinite domino train that pummels us with alternating experiences of betrayal’s pain and betraying’s shame in spite of knowing how it perpetuates pain. Read Romans 12:17-21: It’s so tempting to read this passage as God “holding you back” from sweet relief and satisfaction. But, in reality, it is God “holding you back” from turning another’s betrayal into self-destruction. God is not removing vengeance. God is simply saying He is the only one who can handle its power without being overcome by it. Sin can never conquer sin; any more than oil can remove a stain from your clothes. It is foolish to believe your sexual sin could do what only Christ’s death on the cross could do–bring justice to injustice.

8. Bitterness (Sin as My Justice)

When bitterness is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our justice. If sin as revenge is fast and hot, then sin as justice is slow and cold. No longer are we seeking to hurt another by our actions; now we are merely nursing our wound. If we tried to explain our sin in words, we would have to say we believed our sin had some healing power. But because that seems foolish, we are more prone to just excuse our sin by the sin done to us. Read Hebrews 12:15-17: In this passage a “root of bitterness” is directly linked to sexual sin (v. 16). When bitterness distorts our perspective we will trade things of great value (our integrity and/or family unity) for things of little value (a sexual release or fantasy briefly brought to life) like Esau who sold his birthright for a bowl of soup.

9. Opportunity (Sin as My Pleasure)

When opportunity is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our pleasure. Often sexual sin requires no more trigger than time alone with a computer, a free moment to text, or an available member of the opposite sex to “talk” (i.e., flirt or allow to carry my burdens). When this is the case, sexual sin has become our default recreation–our preferred hobby. The more our sexual sin seeps into the common parts of life the more pervasive the lifestyle and heart changes necessary to root it out.

The reality is that often we dislike the shame and consequences of sin, but we still like the sin itself… That’s because porn is pleasurable. Let’s be honest about that. If we pretend otherwise, we’ll never fight it successfully. People like watching porn—otherwise they wouldn’t watch. The Bible talks about the pleasures of sin. They’re temporary. They’re dangerous. They’re empty pleasures, compared with the glory of God. But they are pleasures, nonetheless. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 15)

Read Philippians 3:17-21: Paul is addressing those whose “god is their belly” (v. 19). These are people whose basic appetites, the mundane parts of their life, were at odds with God. Paul wept at the thought of people in this condition (v. 18). Chances are they had become so comfortable serving their appetites that it would seem odd that Paul was crying for them and “radical” to change. If mere opportunity has become a primary trigger for you sin, let this passage shock you awake!

10. Rejection (Sin as My Comfort) 

When rejection is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our comfort. Our culture has made things done from a “fear of rejection” seem neutral–as if the defensive motive negated the badness of sin, or as if we become the victim of our own sin when we fear rejection. The problem with a fear of rejection is it makes us foolish. Only the fear of the Lord can make us wise (Prov. 1:7). When we react from a fear of rejection, we naturally seek the comfort of people rather than the comfort of God.

Once we understand that the primary goal of sexually addictive behavior is to avoid relational pain—essentially, to control life—we can begin to uncover the core problem (20)… Several tiers below the surface is a pervasive, integral force that demands the right to avoid pain and experience self-fulfillment. This self-centered energy is the very essence of what the Bible calls ‘sin.’ –Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy (p. 24)

Read Proverbs 29:25: Scripture calls the “fear of rejection” the “fear of man.” It’s not innocent because it replaces God as the One for whose approval we live. It is the values, character, and preferences of the one we fear that influence our decisions, emotions, morality, and instinctive responses. If rejection is your primary motive for sexual sin, allow this passage to challenge the orientation of your life.

11. Failure (Sin as My Success)

When failure is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our success. In the fantasy world of sexual sin (porn, romance media, or adultery), you always win. You get the girl. You are the beauty who is rescued. No part of real life can compete with the early success rate of sin. Sin pays up front and costs in the back. Real success costs up front and pays in the back. In healthy marriages, sacrifice is a primary part of the joy. As you give into sexual sin as a form of success, it will drive you to desire the kinds of successes that destroy a family. Even if the adultery relationship is made permanent, it will then become “real” enough that it will no longer play by your preferred rules of success. Read Matthew 21:28-32: Why would the second son say, “I go, sir” and not do the assigned task (v. 30)? One potential reason is the fear of failure. Doubtless he would then view his father as upset with him and feel closer to someone who only asked of him what he wanted to do (i.e., porn, romantic media, or adultery partner). Using sexual sin as cheap success results in harming real relationships, lying, defensiveness towards being “judged,” and retreating to unhealthy or fictitious relationships. Rather than grading others by how they make you feel, repent of your fear of failure.

12. Success (Sin as My Reward)

When success is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our reward. Has your sexual sin become what you do when you need a break or what you have “earned” after completing something difficult? Has your sexual sin become the carrot you dangle in front of yourself in order to maintain motivation? When sin becomes our reward we feel cheated by repentance. God and anyone who speaks on His behalf becomes a kill-joy. Read Hebrews 11:23-28: Moses faced a choice between which reward he believed would be most satisfying: the treasure of Egypt or the privilege of being God’s servant (v. 26). Sexual sin gives us a similar reward choice: easy treasure or humble servant. Unless Christ is our hero and God our admired Father, then the choice seems like a no-brainer in the direction of destruction.

13. Entitlement (Sin as My Deserved)

When entitlement is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes what we deserve. When you are confronted with your sexual sin, do you think or say, “How else am I going to get what I need… deserve… earned?” Can you see how sexual sin has become your measure for a “good day” and whether someone is “for” or “against” you? Are you willing to allow anyone other than Christ who died for the sin you are trying to squeeze life out of to be the measure of “good” in your life? Read Jeremiah 6:15 and 8:12: The people of God had lost their ability to blush at sin. Why? One possible explanation (that can explain our inability to blush even if it doesn’t apply to them), is they believed they deserved their sin. When this happens, we believe we know better than God. We believe the unique features of our life trump the timeless truths of God’s created order. Our confidence to debate robs us of the humility necessary to blush.

14. Desire to Please (Sin as My Affirmation)

When the desire to please is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our affirmation. It’s easy to please a porn star or an adultery partner. They have a vested interest in being pleased. The entire relationship is based upon commerce (“the customer is always right”) or convenience (“if I am not pleasing to you, you have somewhere else to return”) rather than commitment (“I choose you unconditionally and faithfully in good times and in bad”). Too often sexual sin becomes a place of escape when we don’t feel like we can make everyone/anyone happy. Read Ephesians 4:25-32: Notice the type of relational interaction described in these verses is incompatible with an overly strong desire to please others. We cannot live the life God called us to (regardless of whether we are sinning sexually or not) if our driving desire is the affirmation of others. Our conversation must be gracious and good for building up (v. 29), but that assumes we are willing to speak into areas of weakness with those we love.

15. Time of Day (Sin as Pacifier)

When time of day is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our pacifier. Do you use your sexual sin to help you sleep, get the day started, serve as a pick-me-up, fight boredom, or kill dead time? What are the common times of day or week when you struggle with sexual sin? When has your sexual sin become routine? Read I Timothy 4:7-10: When you use sin as a pacifier you are training yourself for ungodliness (contra. v. 7). Often, because these occurrences happen during down times or transitions of our day, we view these occurrences of sin as less bad. We view them more like a child who is still sucking his/her fingers rather than a child who is defying a parent’s direct instruction. If disciplining ourselves for godliness means anything, it must be relevant when we feel undisciplined.

16. Location (Sin as My Escape)

When location is our trigger for sexual sin, then sin becomes our escape. The fantasy nature of all sexual sin makes it a perfect escape from an unpleasant location. We can “be there” and “not be there” at the same time. We get credit for attendance (or at least avoid the discredit of absence) without having to attend. We can mentally be with our lover while enduring the boring meeting, stressful kids, uninteresting spouse, lonely apartment, or other unpleasant setting. Read Psalm 32: Notice the Psalm begins talking about an unpleasant place or time (v. 1-5). But rather than escaping, David ran to God (v. 7) and found the joy you are seeking through escape into sexual sin (v. 10-11). When we escape through sexual fantasy, we use our fantasy as a substitute God. We are, in effect, praying to and meditating on our sin during a time of hardship seeking deliverance.

17. Negative Self-Thoughts (Sin as My Silencer)

When negative self-thoughts are our trigger for sin, then sin becomes our silencer. In sexual fantasy (porn, romance media, or adultery partner), we are always desired and see ourselves through the eyes of the one desiring us. We give ourselves to them not just physically but also imaginatively. Because we know the relationship is short-lived we are willing to do this. If the relationship were permanent the power of silencing-effect would be diluted over the expanse of time and contradicted by our growing number of failures in his/her presence. Read Psalm 103: Sin (or even a healthy human relationship) will never do  what only God can do. The ultimate “Peace, be still” to our negative self-thoughts is Christ’s death on the cross–affirming we were as bad as we thought, but replacing our deficiency with His righteousness. Sexual sin provides fantasy righteousness. It provides the kind of covering mocked in the classic children’s book The Emperor’s New Clothes.

18. Public (Sin as My Carnival)

When public is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our carnival. We walk through life like a kid at an amusement park; gawking at every person we see like a new ride or romantic adventure, making a clownish sexual innuendo out of every comment, or treating everything present as if it existed to entertain us and stimulate us sexually. Our private thoughts of fantasy become fueled by a hyper-sexualized interpretation of our surroundings.

The act of looking at porn is itself part of the succor it purports to offer. I can search for women who are available to me. I can choose between them like some sovereign being. It offers a sense of control. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 50)

Read Romans 1:24-25: Can you hear in the description of sex as my carnival what it means to have “exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator (v. 25)”? God will give us over to this kind of lustful heart (v. 24). This is why a radical amputation of sin is a necessary and wise response to prevent sexual sin from becoming our carnival (Matt 5:27-30).

19. Weakness (Sin as My Power)

When weakness is our trigger to sexual sin, then sin becomes our power. The stimulation (both the physical and chemical changes associated with arousal) of sexual sin gives a façade of strength. Having another person delight in you also provides a veneer of significance. As with most of these motives/triggers, sex becomes a means to an end. Sex is no longer an expression of love but an attempt to gain something. That is always a recipe for dysfunctional, unsatisfying sex.

My pastor has preached that the primary issue in adultery is that you want someone else to worship you and serve you, to be at your beck and call. That resonated with me. I could see that theme in my fantasies. –Anonymous testimony in David Powlison’s Pornography: Slaying the Dragon (p. 15)

Read 2 Corinthians 11:30: Are you willing to boast (verbally put on public display) your weakness as a way to make Christ more known and live in more authentic relationships? That is the only freedom that will allow you to enduringly enjoy what you are seeking in sexual sin. If that sounds backwards to you, read what Paul said in his first letter to the Corinthians (1:20-25) and ask yourself if your “wisdom” is getting you closer or farther from where you want to be.

Identifying Your Triggers

List and rank the top five motives/triggers for your sexual sin.

  1. __________________________________________________
  2. __________________________________________________
  3. __________________________________________________
  4. __________________________________________________
  5. __________________________________________________

Porn is always about a symptom of deeper issues. It’s about lust, but it’s also about anger, intimacy, control, fear, escape, and so on. Many of these problems will show up in other areas of a person’s life. –Tim Chester in Closing the Window (p. 109)

For some people the motive for their sexual sin will be very self-evident. Maybe you could quickly pick out the motive-triggers that deceive you into believing sin is “worth it” or will “work out” this time. For others, it requires reflection in the moment of temptation to discern what is luring them. If this is you, here’s a journaling tool from the False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery seminar that is designed to help you understand your motives. When we understand the motive for our sin, it allows us to hear the empty promises sin makes so we can turn to our loving Heavenly Father who is willing and able to fulfill those promises. I hope this post has helped you see the emptiness of sin so that you are prepared to embrace the fullness of God in the gospel.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, christian, porn, pornography, recovery, sex addiction, sexual, sexual purity

April 30, 2023 By Castimonia

On the Subject of Self-esteem

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/on-the-subject-of-self-esteem/

At the core of our being lies our self-esteem, a measure that fluctuates on a never-ending spectrum. We use various yardsticks to gauge our worth, but unfortunately, we often hold ourselves up to unattainable standards, critiquing ourselves too harshly and painting a skewed self-portrait. This negative self-assessment leads to a dwindling sense of self-worth as we undervalue ourselves based on our misguided perceptions. Before we know it, we transform these beliefs into cold, hard facts, and in a self-fulfilling prophecy, we begin to collect evidence to justify these false assumptions. Meanwhile, we reject any evidence that challenges our preconceived notions, becoming prisoners of our flawed thinking. This vicious cycle can lead to a dangerous path of depression and a life devoid of joy.

The root of this problem can often be traced back to our formative years, a time when our primary caregivers play an influential role in shaping our self-esteem. Even those of us who may not suffer from a lack of self-esteem at some point in our lives can fall into the trap of negative self-assessment when our self-esteem plummets. At its core, this issue usually stems from childhood, where well-intentioned parents may criticize their child’s weaknesses in hopes of spurring improvement. However, this form of criticism can backfire and lead to an absorption of the criticism, rather than the context in which it was given. These negative patterns can emerge even in the most loving of households or in abusive ones. School can also be a battlefield for our self-esteem, where peers can be merciless towards anyone they perceive as different or weak.

The inner voice that we all possess also plays a pivotal role in our self-esteem. Even the most accomplished individuals may struggle with low self-esteem, perpetuated by a long-held set of beliefs that have become fact in their minds. This inner critic can be incredibly destructive, perpetuating negativity that we’ve absorbed throughout our lives. It’s a constant whisper in our ear, reminding us of our weaknesses and faults, keeping us down and afraid. The inner voice deceives us into thinking it’s protecting us by advising us not to try, leading to a downward spiral of self-doubt and decreased self-esteem. But by personifying this voice, we can take back control and put it in its place. Whether it’s an animal, an object, or even a beast from mythology, we can use our imagination to tame the inner critic.

Many of us fall into the trap of countering our low self-esteem by adopting destructive behaviors. Some may project an overblown sense of self-importance or put others down, while others strive for perfection through overwork. Still, others may succumb to a “poor-me” syndrome in hopes of gaining attention and sympathy.

To increase our self-esteem, we need to stop comparing ourselves to others and instead focus on being the best version of ourselves. We can compliment ourselves regularly, exercise consistently, smile more often, and celebrate our accomplishments while forgiving ourselves for our mistakes. We can seek the support we need to succeed, make a list of our positive qualities, and find something special in each day. Nourishing our bodies with healthier food choices and exploring our passions can also help us feel our best and enhance our overall happiness and quality of life

The process of changing one’s thought patterns is a crucial element in promoting personal growth and development. This process entails identifying and recognizing irrational thought patterns and comprehending the reasons behind them. However, without affirmative action, this process remains incomplete and fails to result in meaningful change. Merely understanding why certain behaviors manifest does not translate to changes in behavior unless accompanied by actions aimed at altering them. Regrettably, many individuals remain aware of their self-defeating behaviors and reasons behind them yet are unable to move forward.

The widely accepted theory that emotions precede behavior holds true, and the literature on self-help is replete with this premise. Physical or emotional hurts result in behaviors that are appropriate to the situation. Conversely, positive emotions such as happiness are often expressed through behaviors such as smiling. However, before the advent of popular psychology, there existed other theories that expounded on this notion. William James, for example, posited in the 19th century that emotions and behavior are a “two-way street,” meaning that behaviors could elicit emotions and subsequently facilitate change. For instance, smiling can promote happiness, contrary to the belief that it occurs only after feeling happy.

Recent research conducted by Hung, Singapore, Carney, and Columbia Business School, among others, confirms that the As If principle applies to almost all aspects of our daily lives. The As If principle proposes that acting as if one is a particular type of person can transform one into that person. This concept promotes affirmative action as well as thought and can be employed to enhance self-awareness. The following are some examples of using the As If method to promote change:

  1. HAPPINESS: Smile – Research shows that a genuine smile can evoke feelings of happiness. To achieve the most benefit from this exercise, an individual should make the smile as wide as possible, raise their eyebrows slightly, and hold the expression for about 20 seconds.
  2. WILLPOWER: Tense up – As per Hung’s experiments, tensing muscles can boost willpower. When an individual feels the need to avoid something, like a cigarette or a cream cake, they can make a fist, contract their biceps, press their thumb and first finger together, or grip a pen to boost their willpower.
  3. DIETING: Use your non-dominant hand – Using one’s non-dominant hand when eating creates an unusual behavior that promotes awareness of one’s actions, reduces mindless consumption, and results in eating less.
  4. PROCRASTINATION: Make a start – To overcome procrastination, individuals should act as if they are interested in the task at hand. Spending a few minutes carrying out the first part of the task can generate a strong desire to complete it.
  5. PERSISTENCE: Sit up straight and cross your arms – According to research conducted by Ron Friedman of the University of Rochester, sitting up straight and crossing arms when presented with difficult problems can boost persistence by nearly double. Additionally, ensuring the computer monitor is slightly above eye-level and crossing arms during tough times promotes persistence.
  6. CONFIDENCE: Power pose – To increase self-esteem and confidence, individuals can adopt a power pose, which could include leaning back, looking up, interlocking hands behind the head if sitting, and placing feet flat on the floor, pushing shoulders back and chest forward if standing.
  7. GUILT: Wash away your sins – If an individual feels guilty about something, washing their hands or taking a shower can alleviate the feeling of guilt. Studies by Chen-Bo Zhong of the University of Toronto show that individuals who wash their hands with an antiseptic wipe after an immoral act feel significantly less guilty than others.
  8. PERSUASION: Nod – When people nod while listening to a discussion, they are more likely to agree with the points

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, porn, pornography, self esteem, Sex, sexual

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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