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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Should a Pastor be Fired if He’s Viewing Porn? | Covenant Eyes

Ask adult Christians what should be done if their pastor is using pornography, and 41% say “He/she should be fired or asked to resign.”* Another 29% say the pastor should take a leave of absence until he/she stops using porn. Those over 50 years of age were more adamant about that—47% of age 51-69 and 57% of age 70+ were ready to can the pastor. But only 35% of age 25-30 and 27% of age 31-50 felt that way.

Wow! If that were the case, a lot of pastors would be out of a job! More than half (57%) of pastors say they are either currently struggling (14%) or have struggled in the past (43%) with pornography, and 33% of the ones currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

Among youth pastors, the numbers are higher: 64% say they are struggling (21%) or have struggled in the past (43%). A whopping 56% of those currently struggling say they “are addicted” to porn.

It is not surprising that pastors think a little differently than the 41% of lay people who say pastors should be fired. Only 8% of pastors think that a pastor “should be fired or asked to resign” if found using porn.

And it is even less surprising to find out that 55% of those using porn “live in constant fear of being discovered.” No kidding! I know of many pastors who, upon being discovered, lose their careers, their families, their homes, their friends, everything. Some have even ended their own lives as a result of being discovered.

What solutions do pastors suggest?

  • 82% said they should find a professional counselor.
  • 59% said they should find “a group of mature Christians who can hold him accountable.”
  • Only 1% of the pastors said that the congregation should be told.

But congregations are unaware of the scope of the problem. Awareness precedes understanding, and understanding precedes action. Once the people understand how addictive porn is and recognize that pastors are as prone to the sin as anyone else, they can take action.

If there is no problem among your pastors, that’s great! But as the pastors themselves say, accountability is the best preventive medicine. How devastating it would be to coast along, thinking there will be no problem, only to find out you need to rehabilitate or replace a key staff person. How disrupting to the ministry, how costly for the counseling, how humiliating for the staff—all of which could be headed off by installing Covenant Eyes on all of the staff computers to maintain accountability and have open and transparent conversations.

It would be like the Black Plague on the church if all of the struggling pastors had to resign. I believe they need help, not banishment. I also believe we need to educate the church that porn is a pervasive problem, and pastors are human, too. If we force pastors to live in constant fear, we force them to NOT seek help, the very help they know is needed.

The majority of those who struggle know what must be done–they need professional counseling along with accountability partners. But they aren’t going to seek that help if they can’t admit they struggle, and they can’t admit they struggle if they know they’re out the door the next minute. We need to meet them at the foot of the cross, where Christ took on the burden of our sins, as well as those of our pastors.

*All data in this article are from The Porn Phenomenon, a 2016 study by the Barna Group.

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Partners, Addicts & Empathy

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/partners-addicts-empathy/

I heard a beautiful story the other day that reminded me of the power of empathy in relationships impacted by sex addiction.

An addict with several years of sobriety—in recovery for more than 10 years—came home from his weekly meeting with his sponsor. He’s been working through the 12 steps again, and was finishing his work on Step 9—Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.

His sponsor told him that sometimes we hurt people but we have no idea because the person we hurt doesn’t tell us. The addict thought about it and asked his partner this question:

Is there anything I’ve done in the past that caused harm to you that I might not be aware of?

As you might imagine, this became one of those deeply healing moments between a sex addict and his partner when she knows that his recovery is real. She knows because he is accountable, vulnerable, and empathic.

One of the most consistent complaints I hear from partners of sex addicts is that the sex addict in their life lacks empathy.

Empathy is defined as:

“the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”

There are several reasons addicts—especially those who are newly sober or in the first year of recovery—struggle with empathy.

An addict’s capacity for feeling and emotion is typically blunted or inaccessible. Addictive behaviors temporarily help addicts manage their emotions, numb out, or protect them from pain, fear, and shame.

In early recovery, addicts wage a fierce internal battle to stop a behavior or substance they’ve used for years—perhaps decades. Because much of their energy is being channeled toward recovery work, there is little additional energy or internal space for addicts to take in the feelings or reality of other people—even those closest to them. It doesn’t mean addicts don’t love their partners. It just means that addiction is powerful and consuming.

Another reason addicts struggle with empathy is that addiction is a one-person system. The hallmarks of addiction are secrecy, isolation, preoccupation, and unmanageability. Whether it’s food, sex, gambling, or a substance—the addictive substance or behavior is an addict’s Higher Power and his God.

Lastly, addicts lack access to their own empathy because they’re protecting themselves from their own shame. In other words, if they allow themselves to think about and reflect on the pain they’ve caused their partner (or others), they fear they will be overwhelmed and debilitated by their shame.

5 ways addicts can improve their capacity for empathy:

1

Shame is one of the biggest barriers to empathy. Feeling shame and remorse about your past behavior is healthy, but the kind of shame that tells you you’re worth-less or defective is toxic shame. And this is the shame you need to release.

Find ways to release and reduce shame. One of the most powerful ways to reduce shame is to disclose to safe people what you feel shame about. Often, just the simple act of telling another person the truth about yourself and what you’ve done can be liberating and empowering.

2

Participation in communities of support like 12-step meetings helps addicts increase their capacity for empathy. The emotional stakes are low—and the nervous system is calmer—when listening to people with whom you’re not in a long-term committed relationship. It is often much easier for addicts to listen to and empathize with other addicts, or the other addict’s partner, as they listen to their experiences and challenges.

3

Couples recovery or therapy groups are also highly effective in increasing empathy because the addict has an opportunity to hear directly from other partners who’ve had experiences similar to—or even identical with—his partner. Again, because there is no emotional investment or concern over losing his relationship, addicts are better able to take in the reality of the other partner.

In fact, partners of sex addicts have the same experience when participating in “S” couples recovery or therapy groups—meaning they’re able to understand the addict’s recovery in a new way, or even empathize with his struggles through hearing the stories of other addicts in the room.

While it may be frustrating for partners that the addict is more receptive to what another partner said rather than to what she said, it is very common for people in general to have less difficulty taking in challenging or even painful information from someone they’re not emotionally attached to.

4

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine how they might feel. Make a practice of asking yourself how you would feel if you were having the same experience as another person or if you were in their situation. Consider how it might feel to be a member of a different ethnic group, gender, religion, race, or skin color than you. When doing an exercise like this, it’s easier to start with someone you know casually but have little, or no, tension or conflict with—then build your way up to people you are closer to.

5

Nonverbal cues or body language are often a more accurate and revealing picture of what’s happening with another person than the words spoken.

A person’s body language says a lot about their internal state. When people feel shame they often lower their head or cover their face. When sad, they may appear hunched over or closed off.  When someone feels confident they’re usually sitting or standing more upright and have an alert, positive expression on their face. Begin noticing people’s body language as a way of understanding their internal emotional state.

Want to learn more about empathy and take a quiz to see how empathic you are? Read Roman Krznaric’s article, Six Habits of Highly Empathic People, here. Mr. Krznaric is is a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London and an empathy advisor to organizations including Oxfam and the United Nations.

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I am broken – wholeness (1)

Originally posted at: https://manliveup.wordpress.com/2017/02/01/i-am-broken-wholeness-1/

by LiveUP1

Many of us have been sleepwalking through life due to the nature of this fallen world, the mistakes of our past and an enemy who keeps throwing this junk at us.  The enemy wants you asleep at the switch.  He wants you in denial.  He wants you turning to medication.

God wants more. Just imagine what it would look like for God to break through in your life and your family.  Ask him to do “immeasurably more” (Eph 3:20)

If we will allow Him, God will show us the compromises we’ve made in our lives, the idols we turn to and the past hurts which have shaped us.  You’re either growing in wholeness or moving in brokenness.  Growing in wholeness is not a destination.  It’s a journey.  It’s a process.  We will not get “there” in this life.  This is a call to wholeness, not perfection.  It is being restored and put back together.  It starts with owning the specific brokenness in my life.  Judging others, constantly measuring myself vs. others and putting myself above others, etc.

You’ve heard of the clinical term of dissociation.  It’s a survival mechanism.  It’s a gift in our design from God to provide a path of survival for us in a trauma until we can come of age and get the resources we need to be able to go back and deal with it.  It is why we may block things out of our memory until such a time that a safe place has been provided to bring it out.  One of the ways God gives us to heal is our ability to name our story truthfully.  Not diminish it but to name it to one or a few safe people.  The more you’re able to tell your story truthfully will be the extent to which you’ll be able to heal.

The Holy Spirit tells us He desires truth in our innermost being (Psalm 51:6) “You desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.”  Denying reality is a gift – for a time – for your protection.  But there comes a time where we need to grow up and with Jesus step into more and more healing.  There comes a time to come clean and own it.

Almost everyone has had some impactive trauma in their life (and thus, going on in their body). How it manifests is going to be very, very different.  Like a young boy whose father left the family and there was nothing the boy could do to stop it.  He had sensations in his body he had to deal with – and – likely, he had to shut down and dissociate because of deep anxiety or feeling sick to his stomach or rage that was overwhelming.  So, he shut down and now it contributes in his adult life.  He may not possess the range of emotions in him that God intended for him to have and it might be causing all sorts of issues i.e. his wife saying “Why are you so unavailable to me emotionally?”

It’s a lot to unpack with the Father but know this – Jesus wants healing for your heart.  Jesus is all about restoration and nothing is beyond His reach.  Nothing is too difficult, nothing is too old for Him, nothing is ever too broken or out of His reach.

In the beginning, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed.  Transparent and vulnerable.  Nothing to fear, nothing to hide.  Free will gave us the chance to choose God or choose self.  Sin came.  They went to hiding, fear and danger.  Jesus came to restore us.  Isaiah 61:1 “The Lord has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to the prisoners.”  Jesus claimed this verse for his ministry.

Are you poor?  Are you brokenhearted?  Are you captive to darkness?  Mourning?  World seems to be ashes?  Are you in despair?  Jesus says He came to give you life and give it to abundantly.

I am broken.  Own it.  What are the signs?

            Stressed out trying to be everything others expect me to be?

            Do you battle fear and anxiety on a regular basis?

            Feel numb to life more often than you’d like to admit?

            Do you go long stretches where there is little or no joy in your heart?

            Accused of being driven and you don’t even know why you’re so driven?

            Or do you hold back and never take risks

            Are you thin skinned and easily offended?

            Afraid of relationships and intimacy?  Of being transparent and being known?

            Do you turn to relief instead of restoration?

            Plagued by bitterness, resentment, guilt or regret?  Cynical about life?

            Are there things you can’t stop doing but no matter how hard you try?

These are symptoms – they point to the disease.  What are some of the sources?

  1. My own sinful choices.  Decisions I’ve made that have brought great pain into my life.  I can’t shift the blame to anyone else.  Sin destroys and fractures our souls.
  2. Other’s sins.  Sin impacts a lot of others around us.  Some of us have deep hurts and wounds because of the sinful choices of others.
  3. Living in a fallen world.  Death, illness, crime, the economy.  They collect in our soul.
  4. The Enemy.  He deceives us.  Lies to your face.  He will do whatever it takes to keep us in our brokenness.

What do we tend to do with our brokenness?

  1. Deny.  We rationalize or shift the blame.  Or we stuff it in denials.
  2. Hide. “Everybody is desperately insecure.  Deep down, we are all convinced that if people knew who we really are, they would reject us.  So, we find ways to hide or cover our perceived weaknesses.”  (Paul Tournier)  We hide in all kinds of ways.  We isolate. We pose – living an act, putting on a mask hoping we can fool everyone.
  3. Perform.  Perform to overcome our brokenness.  We become perfectionists.  Our identity becomes the things we do, how we perform.  Just another way of hiding.

None of these will heal our brokenness.  The only way to do that is to take it to God.

  1. We must first own it.  Psalm 32:5 “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity … and you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
  2. Embrace it.  Embrace the reality that I am broken and need God’s healing.  Enemy lies to us about the very fact that we are broken.  Paul says, “When I am weak, then I am strong.”  God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.  As long as we fight weakness and do everything we can to show that I am not, we will continue down the road to brokenness.
  3. Submit it.  We cannot move to wholeness without going through total surrender to God.  Wholeness begins in surrendering it to God.
  4. Receive God’s provision.  His promise is to make me whole.  He will keep His promise. It may be immediately, it may be over time but He will not leave us alone.  He will restore!

The Gospel brings beauty out of brokenness.  God is working everything for our good.  The painful times sharpen us and draw us into deeper relationship with Him.  God’s plans are good.  But we must trust His timing, not ours.

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Orphaned

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. – Psalm 10:14

When I think of orphans, I think about malnourished children on TV with a sad song in the background. Or the literary versions like Oliver Twist. I remember my young cousins when their mother died of cancer. Saturday, while giving my mother’s eulogy, I realized…I am an orphan.

In January of 2018, my father succumbed to a long fight with a form of muscular dystrophy. His body just wore down and couldn’t continue. Three weeks ago, I had dinner with my mother while she was in town visiting me and my brother. After a rapid illness, this Saturday I had lost both parents within a year. The despair of that realization almost broke me.

The weeks leading up to my mother’s passing were difficult. I spent most of that time at the hospital with her, holding her hand, encouraging her in her weakness, watching her fight slowly ebb. I truly thought she would walk out of that hospital. After a few short days, I was holding her hand by her bed with my siblings, watching her take her last breath, just as I had one year earlier with my father. I didn’t know I had that many tears.

In the grief that ensued, both before and after her death, I was reminded of the total helplessness I felt when I began a life in recovery. Really when I was forced to begin a life in recovery. I had just come to terms with the powerlessness I had over my addiction. Step 2 gave me a glimmer of hope in that sea of turmoil: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Through working the Steps, through living a life of recovery, through His often painful intervention, He did restore me to sanity. That experience, knowing that He alone was the “helper of the fatherless,” sustains me now.  I am in a rough place. My relationship with my siblings isn’t great. Restoration to sanity meant truly seeing my family of origin. With that knowledge has also come a need for boundaries, for me and for them.

There isn’t a finish line when working the Steps. The spiritual awakening part means actually revisiting my own flaws and fears daily, admitting when I am wrong, making amends. I know that there is more to this story than now. For now, though, I hold on tight to Psalm 10:14.

by Keith B. NotUnknown.org

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The Secret Sins of the Church

Originally posted at: https://refugenortheast.wordpress.com/2017/01/30/the-secret-sins-of-the-church/

Statistics show that 50% of men in the church today struggle with some type of sexual sin. I have even heard of the number getting up to 80% of men in the church struggle with sexual sins. 97 billion dollars a year is spent on pornography worldwide and 13.3 billion is spent here in the United States. In fact, 89% of pornography is created here in the US. The statistics are shocking and at the same time very sad.

The average age children are getting exposed to pornography is age 9, and the type of pornography they are exposed to is the extreme hardcore pornography. If this goes uncheck and if parents are not teaching and training their children, their children could struggle with an addiction to pornography for the rest of their lives unless they get help. This causes so many problems when they are adults and are married if the addiction goes untouched.

Pornography is a progressive sin, in that, in order to receive the same high, one will continue to look at hardcore pornography and will start acting out in the form of seeking sexual acts to continue to get the same type of high. Pornography is such a huge problem in the church, it is killing the church. What is the church doing about it? Nothing.  Now there are churches that are attacking this problem; but for most of them, nothing is being done. Either the leaders of the churches don’t want to deal with it or they don’t know how to deal with it, or they themselves are struggling with it. Instead of doing anything they are turning a blind eye. The church has put sexual sins in a whole category by itself, making sexually sins far worse than other sins. In God’s eyes, there is not a difference, sin is sin.

By church leaders not doing anything in their churches they are making a bigger problem. In an article I recently read, “Porn in the Church: The High Cost of Silence” Bill Perkins was interviewing a leading expert in the area of sexual addictions. The expert said, “I believe evangelical Christians have a greater tendency to fall into sexual addictions than any other sub-culture in the United States.” When Bill asked him why, the expert stated, “Because sexual sins are so taboo in the church, people find them more exciting.” Bill makes the comment about the person he is interviewing and states, “His thoughts underline the possibility that churches, by refusing to address the problem of porn in the church, are actually creating an environment that fosters porn addictions.” If church leaders are not openly talking about the problems of pornography in their churches they are allowing the sin to remain secret.

The church needs to be equipping their men for this battle, instead of doing nothing. Let’s not forget about the women in the church as well. Statistics are showing that more and more women are now dealing with sexual addictions. I believe the number one way the enemy is destroying the church is by destroying men and their families. It is time the Church lets the light in and confront sexual sins head on. We are not doing anyone any good by turning a blind eye. By not addressing this problem, we are allowing the enemy to win, and allowing him to destroy families. Jesus came to die on the cross for sexual sins as well, and if it’s the number one struggle men are facing, why are we not talking about it?

“Porn is an enemy that will infiltrate and destroy churches from the top down, and it will do so without a blink of remorse.” Bill Perkins