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originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-dealing-shame/
August 24, 2016 by
im was introduced earlier this week in Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions. His wife of eight years, Rachael, had been shocked to discover he’d been regularly viewing Internet porn for about two months. In all their years together, he had seemed like an upright Christian man with strong morals. After Jim had started meeting with their pastor, Paul, he’d stopped viewing Internet porn. So, Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and dismayed all over again when they learned Jim had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase pornographic material in print, instead!
Suppose, however, that Jim reports incredible shame over his behavior at this point. Suppose Jim’s experience epitomizes the definition of shame suggested by Ed Welch: Shame is “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did … You feel exposed and humiliated.”1 What kind of hope is there for someone like Jim?
Although relapses into sinful behavior can provoke a sense of shame in people, depending on the mind-set of a person, the impact of the shame can be very different. Notice from the definition above that shame results from a global self-evaluation by a person. Shame is not a limited assessment of specific behaviors; it is a holistic assessment about one’s overall personhood. The totality of its scope makes it difficult to bear—and to change. However, central to dealing with shame is identifying the standard that was used as the basis for evaluation.
Although shame is not pleasant to experience, it can be a prod for spiritual growth. In the Bible, shame can be a sign of a properly functioning conscience. If the conscience is not functioning properly, people can ignore and violate God’s law with little or no remorse. In these cases, feelings of guilt and shame are dulled or diminished. Jeremiah describes this condition with graphic clarity:
10prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.
11They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.
“Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.
12Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. (Jer. 8:10b–12a, emphasis added)
In Jeremiah’s situation, what made the priests’ and prophets’ conduct detestable was its deviation from God’s will. They had convinced themselves that their false message of peace was true and acceptable! The priests’ and prophets’ retrained consciences did not register the shame they should have experienced that could have curtailed their false teaching.
Jim’s conscience is registering his sin, and so it would appear that his shame is appropriate. Pastor Paul could capitalize on this and guide Jim further in his spiritual development to move beyond this sin. (See my article Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions for suggestions on how this could be done.)
There is another possible direction Jim’s shame might go, however. Suppose Jim returns to his pastor’s office two months after their counseling had helped him regain sexual purity and their conversation runs like this:
“Hi Jim! It’s good to see you. What can I do for you today?”
“Paul, I’m struggling again.”
“Jim, have you gotten back into porn?”
“No, not really. I mean, I do sometimes remember those images, but I haven’t gone looking for new ones. But, I just can’t believe how much I’ve hurt Rachael.”
“Has she brought this up in a recent conversation?”
“No, she hasn’t. But what kind of man must I be to have done this to her? I wasn’t raised to think any of this is acceptable. Five—ten—years ago, I never imagined I’d do this sort of thing.”
In this scenario, Jim feels defiled or stained by his past sin all over again. If left unchecked, this shame will frustrate his spiritual growth. Assuming Pastor Paul had walked him through what the Bible teaches regarding God’s readiness to forgive our sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross, what else can be said to help Jim? Here is a tactic Jim’s pastor might use with him.
Pastor Paul might help Jim see there is a subtle pride at work. Jim always had considered himself above this type of sin. Now that he knows he is not, his image of himself is shattered. This has produced a nagging sense of uncertainty for him. But Jim must learn to rest in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice for his cleansing.2 No one can ask for anything more, because God says nothing more is needed. “For by one sacrifice he [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Heb. 10:14; see also Heb. 9:14).
A good illustration of this sufficient cleansing power is found in the Apostle Paul’s experience. Like Jim, Paul—as Saul, the Pharisee—thought of himself in positive terms, which he rehearses in Philippians 3:5–6: “Circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” He expands on his zeal for persecuting the church in Galatians 1:13: “I persecuted the church of God [whom he thought he was serving!] and tried to destroy it.” Then, his encounter with the risen Christ forced him to see how wrong and self-deceived he was.
Later in his life he recounted again what he had been like as a non-Christian, yet in even more unflattering terms: “I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man” (1 Tim. 1:13). Recognizing this, Paul was overwhelmed with how God blessed him through Jesus (see v. 14). Here is the bottom line for Jim: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.3 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (vv. 15–16 ESV, emphasis added).
Jim can be reminded that if the Apostle Paul could be cleansed and be used by God as he was, then Jim has no reason to view himself any differently. In fact, Jim should find himself echoing the exuberant praise of the Apostle: “Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (v. 17). His Lord deserves nothing less, because Jim deserved nothing more.4
Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-pastors-questions/
August 24, 2016 by
im had been married to Rachael for eight years when she caught him viewing Internet porn, which he told her had been happening several times a week during the previous two months. Rachael was appalled and in shock! For the ten years she had known him, he’d seemed like an outstanding, moral Christian man. Jim agreed to seek counseling with their pastor. Jim and Pastor Paul agreed to the following:
Though Jim stopped viewing Internet porn, Rachael subsequently discovered that he had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase a pornographic magazine. Both Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and frustrated with Jim.
Pastor Paul approached me with these questions, “What did I do wrong? Do I have any business trying to help someone with this type of problem?”
“Paul, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Each of the strategies you used with Jim was fine. Asking accountability questions confronts Jim’s double life. Sin thrives in an atmosphere of deceit and secrecy. Placing the computer in the living room makes it harder for him to sin with it. That is consistent with Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:29–30 (ESV): ‘If your right eye [or] your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away,’ rather than go to hell. In other words, it’s good to make it difficult for Jim to sin again.”
“But it didn’t work! Do you think the Bible is appropriate for this type of problem?”
“Yes, I do think it’s appropriate. Let me clarify: The Bible is sufficient to give us what we need to know in order to honor God in all areas of our lives. Peter tells us that everything we need for a godly life is available through our knowledge of the One who called us so that we might become more like Him (2 Pet. 1:3–4). As Jim’s pastor, the Bible is your tool to accomplish what God wants you to accomplish with him (Ps. 119; 2 Tim. 3:16–17). Although cultures and technologies change over time, the human heart has not changed since the fall. Jesus, Paul, and Peter did not have computers, but they had to deal with the same motives and desires of the human heart that drive the search for computer porn today. Lust now is what it was then.”
“But what I did—which I think is ‘biblical’—didn’t work. What more could I have done?”
“I think what you set up with Jim was fine as far as it went. We just need to make sure your strategies reflect the depth of the Bible’s portrayal of the human condition and God’s response to it in Christ.”
“Go ahead …”
“Two characteristics of the fallen human heart are ‘double-mindedness’ and ‘self-deception.’ James (1:8, 4:8) uses the concept of ‘double-mindedness’ to describe a professing Christian who tries to live according to two opposing value systems simultaneously. Trying to live by God’s standards and the world’s standards at the same time produces these effects: instability, inconsistency, hypocrisy, conflict, and ultimately, a friendship with the world that makes the person an enemy of God.
“For Jim, this means two things. First, being at odds with God blocks his access to the power and wisdom that God provides when we humbly ask Him (Rom. 6:5–11; Gal. 5:22–25; James 1:5–7). Second, double-mindedness means there will be an ongoing drain on his resolve to live a Christian life. The resulting emotional distress will set up Jim for impulsive, self-centered reactions, like retreating into the fantasy world of porn. Pornographic fantasizing can distract him from the distress temporarily, and that is very reinforcing. But in the long run, the consequences associated with the self-centered reactions will overshadow any perceived benefits, and his life will spiral downward in a tailspin. If that happens, then he likely will seek short-term relief, driven by a sense of desperation. ‘People are slaves to whatever has mastered them’ (2 Pet. 2:19).
“Double-mindedness is nurtured by the capacity we have for self-deception. We can layer untrue beliefs about the world upon untrue beliefs about ourselves in such a way that, without someone intervening, we don’t even realize the inconsistencies in our lives (Jer. 17:9; Gal. 6:1–3; James 1:22–25).
“We deceive ourselves in a variety of ways, so I think you need to help Jim come to recognize how he manages to deceive himself. You need to ask him a question like, ‘What do you say to yourself leading up to your use of porn?’ In essence, you’re asking for his rationalizations that seem to ‘justify’—or even ‘warrant’—the use of porn. Then you need to help him replace that thinking with more biblical thinking.”
“I wonder what possible justifications he could have for this.”
“Jim might be telling himself that he is unworthy of his wife’s affection. If so, inquire about what evidence supports his conclusion. Or Jim might be telling himself that Rachael is not going to satisfy him the way he ‘needs.’ If so, you should help him understand the distinction between ‘need’ and ‘desire.’ He may have convinced himself he ‘needs’ something from her that is unnecessary or ungodly. Jim might be telling himself that ‘it’s better to use porn than to go out and have an affair with someone.’ If so, he should be reminded that lust ‘in the heart’ is no less offensive to God than acting on it with another person (Matt. 5:28)—even though the social consequences are less severe.
“Some of these ungodly beliefs could come out in your conversations about his temptations, but not necessarily. Jim could focus more on circumstances or other external considerations without going any deeper into the thoughts and desires of his heart. But that’s ultimately where the conversations need to go. It might take a while for him to come up with answers to these questions, and it will take time for his thinking to be constrained by the Bible. Be patient with him.
“A particularly important self-deception you need to be on the alert for is ‘worldly sorrow’ substituting for ‘godly sorrow’ in Jim’s life (see 2 Cor. 7:10–11). In both types, there is regret and an emotional burden (guilt and/or shame). In both types, there can be tears and apologies. Unfortunately, we can deceive ourselves into thinking that the experience of worldly sorrow is sufficient to prompt positive changes in our lives. In fact, worldly sorrow can motivate lifestyle changes, but there’s a fundamental problem with changes motivated by worldly sorrow: they don’t honor the Lord. If they don’t honor the Lord, they afford no protection against further sin; in fact, they actually prepare the person for further sin.
“Therefore, if Jim is showing signs of remorse, you should ask him, ‘What are the consequences of your behavior that you regret?’ If God’s honor is not a prominent part of his answer, you can assume he is experiencing worldly sorrow. In that case, help Jim grasp the depths of God’s holiness and grace, like Isaiah did from his vision in the temple (Isa. 6). Impress upon him the reality mentioned in Galatians 6:7–8: You should not allow yourself to be deceived. God will not be mocked. You will reap what you sow. Fortunately, you can reassure Jim by telling him God’s grace is always sufficient to insure a good harvest.”
“Great. I’ll give this a try. Thanks.”
The fallout from a relapse can touch many lives in many ways. In Jim’s case, his wife’s trust has been shattered. His pastor’s faith has been challenged. Jim, of course, has several significant challenges ahead of him. In this article I touch on the challenges of double-mindedness and self-deception. Another challenge for Jim will be dealing with shame–a sense that now he is fundamentally flawed. Shame will push him to reconsider the way he’s always thought of himself. In my article Responding to Relapse: Dealing with the Shame, I pick up Jim’s struggle with this potentially pernicious fallout of sin.
What Society thinks of Sex Addicts:
What God thinks of Sex Addicts:
This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
