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sexual abuse

July 31, 2021 By Castimonia

How Childhood Sexual Abuse Causes Physical And Mental Health Problems In Adults

Originally posted at: https://lookingforthelight.blog/2021/05/07/how-childhood-sexual-abuse-causes-physical-and-mental-health-problems-in-adults/

Carrying trauma from your childhood is so draining and it has far-reaching effects on your physical and mental health. Many people experience flashbacks and PTSD symptoms after surviving sexual abuse as a child, but often, the impact is less direct. Even those that do not think about the abuse itself that much and assume that they are not affected by the trauma that much may experience a range of mental and physical health issues. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse do not always connect the dots and they don’t realize that the issues they experience are related to their trauma.

Understanding what potential issues can be caused in adulthood can help survivors recognize when their trauma is affecting them. These are some of the most common physical and mental health issues caused by childhood sexual abuse. 

Depression

Depression is one of the most common mental health issues we face right now and there are a lot of reasons why people develop it in the first place. However, studies show that there is a strong correlation between people that experienced abuse as a child and people that suffer from serious depressive disorders. As an adult, attending depression counseling can help manage the symptoms and you may even be able to start unpacking some of that trauma.

However, research suggests that early intervention to support children is the key to avoiding this issue in later life. 

Substance Abuse And Eating Disorders 

Dangerous behaviors like substance abuse, [sexual addiction], and eating disorders are also more prevalent in survivors of childhood sexual abuse. The symptoms of trauma are often difficult to manage, especially if the survivor does not have the support that they need. Many sexual abuse survivors also suffer from other mental health issues and it’s common for them to self medicate with alcohol. [sex], or drugs. Eating disorders are often a way of gaining control over one aspect of their life because a person feels so out of control in other areas. 

Sexual Confusion

Sexual confusion is incredibly common in male survivors of childhood sexual assault. Boys that are abused by older men when they are too young to understand sexuality will be confused about whether they are homosexual or not. This confusion remains as they grow older and it can make it incredibly difficult for them to form meaningful relationships. 

Obesity 

We think of obesity as a fairly straightforward problem; if you eat too much, you gain weight. But it’s far more complicated than that and childhood sexual abuse often has a role to play. During a weight loss study, it was discovered that many of the participants that struggled to stop overeating had been abused as children. Further research in the area has shown that there is a direct correlation between obesity and childhood sexual abuse. 

If we are ever to deal with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and help survivors regain power over their lives, it is important that we understand just how much impact it has in adulthood. These are some of the most common ways that sexual abuse manifests in adulthood, but there are countless other health issues that it can cause.  

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Filed Under: General Meeting Information Tagged With: childhood, childhood sexual abuse, porn, Sex, sex addiction, sexual abuse

March 20, 2018 By Castimonia

What Constitutes Abuse?

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Leslie Vernick

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is characterized by hitting, slapping, spitting at, punching, kicking, yanking (such as by the hair or limbs), throwing, banging, biting, restraining, as well as any other acts of physical coercion or violence directed at another person regardless of the person’s age. In addition spanking children could be considered physically abusive if it is done in anger, leaves marks on a child’s body, or is excessive.

Many people who abuse others through physical force or threats of force attempt to control and intimidate others through violence as well as create an atmosphere or environment of anticipated violence. They might punch a wall; wave their fist or gun in someone’s face.

These kinds of behaviors are abusive even if they do not result in visible injury to the victim. Abusive actions demonstrate profound disrespect for the well being of the other person. If someone did these same behaviors to a stranger or in public, his or her conduct would unquestionably be considered abusive and the perpetrator might even be arrested. Sadly many of these actions are done to people in their closest relationships behind closed doors.

Wherever there is physical abuse, there is always verbal and emotional abuse. Often sexual abuse is part of the overall abusive pattern.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Words and gestures are often the weapons of choice to hurt, destroy or control and dominate another person. We often underestimate the power of words to harm others and as Christians or people helpers we can be unsympathetic to those trapped in verbally abusive relationships.

We say things like “Don’t let it bother you.” Or “Just let it roll off your back.” We all remember the nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But God knows how words affect our emotional, spiritual and physical health.

For example, Proverbs says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18), and “Wise words bring many benefits” (Proverbs 12:14). “Gentle words are a tree of life, a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). “Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body” (Proverbs 16:24).

Most often we think of name calling, cursing, profanity and mocking when we think of verbal abuse. However, verbal abuse can also be more subtle or covert. Constant criticism, blaming, discounting the feelings, thoughts and opinions of another, as well as manipulating words to deceive, mislead or confuse someone are also abusive. Proverbs warns us, “The words of the wicked conceal violent intentions” (Proverbs 10:6b).

Emotional abuse can also be characterized by degrading, embarrassing publicly, or humiliating someone in front of family, friends or work associates.

Nonphysical abuse is more than using words to hurt another. Emotional abusers systematically undermine their victim in order to gain control. Abusers weaken others in order to strengthen themselves. They know what matters most to their target (for example, her children, his work, her appearance, her family, his pet, her friends) and they seek to destroy it.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse occurs whenever a person forces an unwilling party into having sexual relations or perform sexual acts, even within marriage. While teaching a class on domestic violence at a seminary, a student challenged my definition.

The seminary student argued that 1 Corinthians 7 was biblical proof that forcing a wife to have sex with her husband could not be considered abusive because it was biblically wrong for a wife to refuse her husband. From his perspective, it was man’s God-given right to force his wife if she denied him.

It is true that the apostle Paul cautioned husbands and wives not to deprive each other of sexual relations except under special circumstances. However, Paul also wrote that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Paul describes what that kind of love looks like: it is a giving and cherishing love, not a coercing or disrespectful love (Ephesians 5:1, Corinthians 13).

If a wife refuses her husband, whatever her reason may be, a loving husband would never respond to his legitimate disappointment by forcing his wife to have sex against her will. At most he might try to gently change her mind but likely he would accept her decision and try again another time.

If his wife regularly denies him, ideally he would pray for her as well or ask her what the problem is, encourage her to work on the problem herself, or ask her if she is willing to go for help together. Forcing his wife to have sex against her will reduces her to an object for him to use as he sees fit regardless of her feelings. That is not only degrading and disrespectful to his wife, it is abusive and in some circumstances considered to be rape.

Other forms of sexual abuse are touching someone sexually without their permission, pressuring someone to view or participate in pornography, talking to someone in sexually derogatory or humiliating ways, taking sexually explicit pictures without a person’s permission or making uninvited suggestive comments.

Financial Abuse

At the heart of abuse is an inordinate seeking of power over someone else. Money can be used as a powerful weapon to control another person. In marriage, couples ideally decide together on a budget and both parties share power and responsibility for the management of the family funds. When a wife (or a husband) is given no voice or no choice in the family finances, it’s abusive. When a wife (or husband) must be accountable for every penny spent but the other spouse is not, then there is an imbalance of power. The spouse that is accountable is being treated as a child instead of an adult. In addition, financial abuse occurs when one spouse (usually the wife who is staying home with children), has no idea how much money her husband earns, nor does she have any joint access to that money. She is given an allowance, much like a child instead of an equal partner.

Financial abuse serves to keep a spouse overly dependent upon the breadwinner or controlling spouse. If she displeases him, he punishes her by withdrawing financial support. It also can be used to keep her from getting necessary medical attention, counseling support, or educational advancement.

Spiritual Abuse 

We read about leaders of cults who brainwash their members into subservience and unquestioning compliance. This brainwashing process creates people who cannot think for themselves or make independent choices without incurring the wrath or rejection from the group. When an individual, whether he be a cult leader, a pastor, or a head of a home requires unquestioning allegiance to his authority as the “voice of God” spiritual abuse is taking place.

In addition, spiritual abuse is misusing Scripture to get one’s own way, to shame and judge others, who do not do things your way, or to threaten and intimidate someone into compliance.

The important component of abusive behavior whether it is physical, emotional, sexual, financial or spiritual is control over the mind, will, and feelings of another person.

Abuse treats someone as if he or she were an object to control and use rather than a person to love and value.

Abuse of any kind is not only sinful; it is emotionally destructive and negates the personhood of the victim. Having a healthy relationship with another person is impossible when there is any kind of ongoing or unrepentant abuse.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: abuse, addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, co-dependency, emotional abuse, Emotions, escorts, father wound, financial abuse, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, physical abuse, porn, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spiritual abuse, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

January 29, 2017 By Castimonia

My Husband Is A Sex Addict. Here’s How I Found Out And Dealt With Him.

Although he hadn’t left me yet, I was already alone.

When I mustered the courage to ask my husband of 16 years if he was having an affair, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “It was just an escape. It will be over with one phone call. You and I are still going to grow old together.” I accepted this explanation. He was crying, for God’s sake. And then there was that line about love in our retirement years. The performance was totally believable.

In reality, our whole life was a performance. We appeared to be a wholesome, book-loving, middle-class pair. We had three beautiful daughters, ages 9, 6 and 2. One friend thought we seemed so compatible that she always asked after Jeff with the line, “How’s your soul mate?” I guess you could say we were the perfect couple. But it seems my overly trusting nature enabled his excessive lying.

You see, my husband led a double life.

I don’t know when he went off the rails. I do know that he got so good at lying that no one — not his family, not our friends, not our marriage counselor and most certainly not I — suspected that he had two separate lives.

On the surface, he was always smiling, well-dressed and charming to strangers and friends alike. Underneath, however, his life revolved around sex—affairs with real, live women, voyeurism and exhibitionism, and paid services that ran the gamut. Extensive business travel allowed him to pursue undetected what I later came to recognize was an unquenchable sex addiction.

There were warning signs, but I ignored them. The most significant were the interminable lulls in our love life. But I was able to rationalize them when he said things like, “I’m worried that I might not get that promotion” or, “I’m angry that you spent so much money on that dress.”

I never suspected infidelity. Jeff had intimacy issues stemming from abuse by a female teacher that began when he was only 9. He had my empathy, my kindness, my patience, my love. I believed he couldn’t be with anyone but me.

I was jolted out of my ignorance when I stumbled across an awkward e-mail exchange between Jeff and a work associate named Molly. The conversation seemed innocent enough until I read, “After you brief me on the meeting, you can ‘debrief’ me again in my hotel room.” How juvenile, I thought. Then I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Leaning over the sink, I realized I was chanting out loud, “How could he, how could he, how could he?”

I jumped when I heard the tiny voice of my 2-year-old outside the door: “Who are you talking to, Mommy?”

“Just myself. I’m okay honey,” I heard myself answer. No I’m not, I thought.

Suddenly moments of unease I had suppressed over the years threatened to rise to the surface: Finding the phone book open to “Massage” even though he professed not to like strangers touching him. Sensing how angry a friend was after the bachelor party Jeff threw her husband. Discovering him furtively peering into a neighbor’s apartment window. Feeling hostility from certain women in his office.

Reality was seeping into my veins, but I wasn’t ready to accept it. So I quickly returned to the sweet oblivion of denial. This was easy enough given my husband’s ability to live out a lie. He did acknowledge what he called an “inappropriate friendship” with Molly, but then set about making things right in a textbook-perfect manner—couples counseling, elaborate dates and a brand new passion in bed.

He could tell the most outrageous lie without flinching, fidgeting or looking away.

And so, after convincing me of his renewed commitment to our marriage, we moved on. After a few months, Jeff’s company offered him a two-year expatriate assignment in Stockholm, Sweden.

I understood why he wanted to go; the move represented a quantum leap forward in his career. But I had serious reservations—the winters were cold and dark, I’d have to put my own career on hold and, deep down, I suspected that our marriage couldn’t survive the stress of living in a foreign country. Eventually, I was seduced into agreement when he told me that “Sweden would be the perfect place to reinvent our marriage.”

Jeff’s “commitment” to our healing disappeared almost as soon as we touched down in Scandinavia. Bucking Sweden’s family-friendly trend toward shorter working hours, he went into the office each morning at 6 a.m. and didn’t come home until 9 p.m. During family meals together, he would barely speak or look me in the eye. He grew a messy beard and lost about 20 pounds. He was the one who cheated; why did he seem depressed?

Once again, I had a vague sense of dread, but no proof of infidelity. Then one day he left his laptop open while he took a shower. I found another e-mail to Molly, this time implying that he would be free of our marriage as soon as we returned to the States.

“Have you been planning to leave me this whole time?” I gasped, the truth starting to catch up to me.

“Why did you have to look at my e-mail?” he accused.

“What difference would it have made if I hadn’t?” I asked.

He told me it would have made a “huge difference.” I suppose that meant he would have carried on with his two separate lives a while longer. I guess I forced his hand.

The next day, I told him I decided I could get past his affair.

“I don’t want forgiveness,” he said.

“Why not?” I said.

“Because you’d be better off without me. I’ve never been faithful to you. Not ever.” And then, for the first time, Jeff told the truth.

He said he had been living two entirely separate lives for years. He called it his “sad, sad story.” There was an array of infidelities: When he did a favor for Daisy, the older woman whose driveway we’d rented when we owned a co-op, she’d perform fellatio on him as a “thank you.” He’d had an affair with Kristen, a secretary from work who was known for her drunken office party flirtations with married men. Another secretary named Marin “stood between his legs” at a bar while I was away on a business trip and, since “no one had ever done that before,” he had sex with her… on four separate occasions.

He described how his addiction had evolved. He had been an athlete, an avid reader, an involved father. But eventually, he spent all his free time in Internet chat rooms, at massage parlors with “happy endings,” on call girls, prostitutes and, one time, a dominatrix.

He would masturbate in his car where a woman might briefly catch a glimpse of him. He had fantasies of violent and demeaning sex with former girlfriends. He tried to watch neighbors getting dressed through their windows. When he came home late from a business meeting, he was really having sex. When he went for an early morning run, he was having sex. When he went out for coffee during my C-section recovery in the hospital, he was having sex.

Jeff said that his behavior accelerated and got more risky over time. This was part of the thrill. And, just like an alcoholic or a gambling addict, he’d have almost immediate regret afterward. He had the insight to admit that much of his behavior was not physically gratifying, but a means to release anger at the female abuser of his childhood. When you think of it that way, I guess his leaving me celibate for weeks at a time was a blessing in disguise.

When he finished his confession, I was in shock. Slowly, I started to feel anger, and then incredible sorrow. But there was another part of me whose heart broke for the little boy who had been hurt so long ago and had spent his entire life trying to exorcise those demons.

I read about sex addiction and discovered that there was a chance for a “cure,” and even hope for the marriage if he would commit himself to serious therapy, three times a week. I prayed that he would try to get well for both our sakes, and for our children.

When my oldest daughter started to notice that something was wrong, he finally agreed to go to a psychologist. He went once a week…and I waited to see if the man I thought I knew would come back to me.

In the meantime, however, it took a different kind of betrayal to shake me out of my denial for good. Our youngest daughter went to the hospital in Sweden, and doctors diagnosed her with a serious illness. I thought for sure that Jeff and I would put our other issues aside and pull together for her sake. But he couldn’t acknowledge that her life was in jeopardy, and was prepared to go back to work the next day. A sick child was simply more than he could handle.

As he turned and walked out the door of the intensive care unit, his face told me everything I needed to know. Although he hadn’t left me yet, I was already alone.

In that moment, I could see Jeff clearly for the first time: He is a man who would have continued to conduct two parallel lives if I hadn’t caught him. In his reality, a difficult childhood is a good enough reason to run roughshod over someone else’s heart. That reality is where he lives to this day. I am relieved to say I no longer live there with him. [tc-mark]

 

 

 

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, childhood sexual abuse, christian, co-dependency, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, strippers, trauma

April 7, 2016 By Castimonia

Sexual Abuse Conference in Katy, TX – Saturday, April 16, 2016

Date of Event
Apr 16, 2016
08:30 AM
–04:00 PM
Location
Living Word Lutheran Church
3700 S. Mason Road
Katy, Texas 77450
——————————————-

Katy Christian Ministries Crisis Center will host a workshop that showcases the services available for sexual abuse victims.  Sexual abuse happens from a variety of situations including adult sex crimes, human trafficking, child sexual abuse, and much more.

The conference is a free community event for professionals, parents, and anyone in the community with a goal to raise awareness of sexual assault and human trafficking.  It will allow participants to gain knowledge of the resources available, strategies for prevention, and current interventions.

Make plans to attend on Saturday, April 16 from 8:30 – 4:00 pm. It will be located at Living Word Lutheran Church located at 3700 South Mason Road.

Click here to register for the event.

Contact Glenn Lerich for more information.

Filed Under: General Meeting Information, Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: abuse, addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, co-dependency, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, meeting, porn, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual purity, spouses, STD, trafficking, trauma

February 7, 2014 By Castimonia

Trafficking & The Sex Trade

0001EL1 1. Estes, Richard J. and Neil A. Weiner. The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work: 2001 2. Estes, Richard J. and Neil A. Weiner. The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico. The University of Pennsylvania School of Social Work: 2001. 3. Brown, Jane D., and Kelly L. L’Engle. “X-rated sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with US early adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit media.” Communication Research 36.1 (2009): 129-151. 4. Debra Boyer, U. Washington, Susan Breault of the Paul & Lisa Program, “Danger for prostitutes increasing, most starting younger,” Beacon Journal, 21 September 1997 5. National Runaway Switchboard, August 2006 6. Shared Hope International 7. FBI, 2011

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, child abuse, childhood abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, Sex Abuse, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trafficking, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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