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How To Make Feelings of Insecurity Go Away

psychologytoday.com · by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.

Feelings of insecurity can come from many sources, both real and imaginary. You may feel unsure about whether other people really like you or whether you’ll get to keep your job. Or you may just be generally insecure. Whether the basis of your insecurity is real or not, the feeling can be crippling unless you know how to handle it. A new study by Peking University’s Wenjie Yuan and Lei Wang (2016) provides a simple step you can take to keep insecurity from getting in the way of your happiness and your mental health.

As proposed by Yuan and Wang, there are specific forms of insecurity, but also a general life insecurity, which they regard as detrimental to your mental health. They define general life insecurity as “a diffuse psychological concern about the safety issues across all life domains including, but not limited to insecurities of job, food, economic affairs, public incidents, health and medicine, and traffic” (p. 312).

The authors draw from Hobfall’s (1989) classic stress theory, Conservation of Resources (COR), which proposes that insecurity drains resources from our mental bandwidth, sapping any resources that are already threatened by loss or the prospect of loss. It’s difficult to concentrate on what you need to do to improve a bad situation if the situation itself is causing your coping resources to drain away.

The potentially easy way to put an end to those insecurities, as proposed by Yuan and Wang, is to crank up your optimism levels. When you’re optimistic, you tend to attribute events that could have negative consequences in a way that reduces their threat value, primarily by seeing those events as being caused by outside factors that will undoubtedly change for the better. Being an optimist, in other words, means that you see the glass as half full, that you ultimately view it as completely fillable, and that you are not responsible for its emptying.

It stands to reason that optimism would be beneficial to your mental health, and the Peking University researchers maintain that optimistic people are not only happier and less anxious, but better prepared to handle stress as well. Their optimism becomes a resource they can draw on in times of difficulty. The beneficial effect isn’t unlimited—under enough actual insecurity, when one is in danger for prolonged periods, it can become entirely eroded.

To test the relationship among insecurity, optimism, and mental health, Yuan and Wang recruited a sample of 209 adults (52 percent male, with an average age of 29) to complete questionnaires over two time points, about a month apart. The researchers used a four-item measure of general insecurity, gauging whether participants felt that all aspects of their life were “safe,” whether they felt generally insecure in “current social conditions,” “when walking down the street sometimes,” or it they wanted to “escape” due to feeling threatened.

The tendency to attribute success and failure to external events was assessed by asking participants to indicate, for example, how much chance causes problems in their relationships with friends. A Chinese version of a measure of “psychological capital” assessed whether participants tend to “look on the bright side.” Finally, general mental health was measured by asking participants to complete a standard questionnaire that included an assessment of one’s ability to concentrate.

The prediction was that the tendency to use external attribution would play a role in affecting optimism’s role in reducing the effects of insecurity on mental health. In other words, people who tend to make external attributions could face situations that threaten their feelings of security by drawing on optimism as a coping resource. Looking at this result, you may conclude that it’s fine to be optimistic as long as you’re a “glass half full” kind of person. However, the authors argue that optimism is modifiable: It’s a state (something that one can change) and not a trait (part and parcel of your personality).

In viewing optimism as modifiable, we can now discuss the challenge of viewing situations that threaten your safety and security in a favorable enough light so that you can cope with them. The ability to do so seems to lie in the attributional piece of the puzzle. Although the study regarded the tendency to externalize as a part of one’s psychological makeup, because it is a cognitive attribute (a function of the way we think), it would also seem to be modifiable under the right circumstances.

Let’s consider what happens when you’re facing a job interview or a first meeting with someone you met online. The measure of insecurity used in this particular study involved a general sense of being threatened, not a specific situation. However, if you’re someone who goes about your day feeling uncertain and afraid, such a situation could tap into those general feelings of anxiety about how you’ll respond. You may know it’s best for you to maintain an optimistic attitude because you’ll seem more self-confident and therefore more attractive to a potential employer or date. However, in the back of your mind, all you can think about is the last time you blew an interview or first date, and how badly it reflects on your personal qualifications; your insecurity levels are now sky-high.

Instead of making an internal attribution for your failure on the previous occasion, the study suggests you find someone or something else to blame: You didn’t get enough sleep; the weather was bad; the other person lacked the wisdom to see your many stellar qualities. You were not at fault. Now you can change your outlook and approach this new situation with a much brighter view of what’s going to happen. Presumably, your lowered stress levels will make that success all the more likely to occur.

It’s not necessarily wise, of course, to chronically ignore negative outcomes or personal culpability when bad things happen to you; you can always learn from failure. In the moment of trying to prepare for a successful encounter, though, that negativity will only make things worse.

Taking a vacation from self-blame can be the key to giving yourself the latitude to succeed, even at difficult tasks. By building your optimism, you can tackle feelings of insecurity through “proactive behaviors” (p. 316) that nip them in the bud. You may not be able to fend off all forms of insecurity all the time, but you’ll at least be able to prevent the threats that are within your control.

References

Hobfoll, S. E. (1989). Conservation of resources: A new attempt at conceptualizing stress. American Psychologist, 44(3), 513–524.

Yuan, W., & Wang, L. (2016). Optimism and attributional style impact on the relationship between general insecurity and mental health. Personality and Individual Differences, 101312-317. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2016.06.005

psychologytoday.com · by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.

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Internet Pornography Addiction Is a Growing Problem for Men, Women, and Children

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/24/internet-pornography-addiction-is-a-growing-problem-for-men-women-and-children/

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D.recently sat down with Pat McMahon on Arizona Daily Mix to talk about the prevalence of sex and pornography addiction among men, women, and even children in our society. Dr. Carnes is a Senior Fellow at The Meadows and is the clinical architect of Willow House at The Meadows, our new love and sex addiction treatment program for women. Here are a few highlights from the conversation:

How do you diagnose someone with sex addiction?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: It can sometimes be overdiagnosed. Some people will think that just because they are struggling a little bit with pornography or they had an affair that they are potentially a sex addict. We look for specific criteria, though, to determine if someone is a sex addict.

We’re looking to determine if the person:

  • is continuing despite consequences,
  • has destroyed their relationships,
  • spends excessive amounts of time preoccupied with their behavior, and/or
  • has tried to stop the behavior and failed.

Sex addicts can even have psychological withdrawal symptoms from not being able to access the behavior. And they can build up tolerance as well. You can have people who are compulsively viewing pornography who have to use more and more to get the same effect.

Is pornography addiction more common today?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Whenever you have the increased availability of something, you have more addiction. So, in places that have more bars, you have more problem drinking; where you have more casinos, you have more problem gambling; where you have meth labs, you see more meth addiction. So now that the internet is so prevalent and everywhere, we’re starting to see a lot more internet pornography addiction. For clinicians, it’s incredibly common to have that present in a patient in your office.

Are people exposed to pornography at younger ages these days?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: The average age of first exposure to pornography is 11. We’re starting to see people have problems with it at ages as young as 9 and 10. Children are being exposed to very graphic material at an early age and they don’t know how to handle it.

If you find out that your child has seen pornography, take care not to shame them. It’s very common and we want to treat them with sensitivity. Normalize the experience. Explain that this happens to a lot of children, that anyone can be exposed to pornography. Teach them that it can be addictive and teach them about healthy sexuality. Because what they’re seeing might be violent, or perhaps unusual, or maybe even deviant sexuality depending on what kind of pornography they’re seeing. That can be difficult to understand for an 11-year-old.

Do women struggle with sex addiction too?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Absolutely. It’s a little bit different for women than it is for men. Women present with a little bit more love and relationship addiction as well as sex addiction, so their behaviors often involve things like multiple relationships at the same time, affairs, hooking up, falling in love over and over again, lots of sequential relationships. So, it usually presents with more of a relationship addiction feel. But, it’s also very common for women to struggle with pornography, hook-ups on online apps like Tinder, one night stands, and those kinds of things.

Does sex addiction treatment involve abstinence?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Recovery from sex addiction is more like recovery from an eating disorder. When you are recovering from an eating disorder, instead of abstaining, you have to learn how to have a healthy relationship with food.

What kind of treatment is available?

Dr. Stefanie Carnes: Sex Addiction is a lot more common that people think. Treatment is available on both an inpatient and outpatient basis. People tend to do very well in treatment. Sometimes they can start in outpatient treatment and get a lot of help and support there. They’ll want to get a trained therapist; someone who is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist is most helpful in these instances.

Call 800-244-4949 for more information about The Meadows’ sex addiction treatment options or send us an email.

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The Purpose of Boundaries

Mark 7:14–23 – “Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that defiles them.’ After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. ‘Are you so dull?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them? For it doesn’t go into their heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body.’ (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean.) He went on: ‘What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.’”

Jesus’ explanation reveals how boundaries help us define who we are and are not. Through them we can take ownership of all of who we are, both good and bad. It is only by taking full ownership of what is on our property and within our own boundaries that we can grow.

Mark¬ 7:14-¬23 is a great description of some of the “not so good” stuff that hangs out in our hearts. All property needs to be cleaned up every once in a while, and our hearts are no different. Jesus tells us that our hearts are in need of this kind of responsible “cleaning up.”

Every kind of growth system that works, from counseling to spiritual direction to recovery, involves looking past our outer behavior to the root causes that lie within our hearts. Sometimes, pain and hurt are to blame and sometimes, as this passage indicates, sinful attitudes and desires are the root causes. Whatever the case, God has forgiven us and that forgiveness gives us the freedom to take a real, hard look at what lies within our hearts. The reward for doing this is that we get healthy and life gets better.

That’s why we like to say that boundaries make life better!

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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What to Tell the Children?

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/what-to-tell-the-children/

by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Most parents—whether they’ve been impacted by addiction or not—struggle to talk to their children about sex.

The infamous “birds and bees” talk is the source of endless jokes and secret discomfort for parents who fear they haven’t done enough to educate their children about their bodies or human sexuality.

So when addicts and their partners want to have that difficult conversation with their children about the addict’s struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior, it can be daunting.

An addict’s past behaviors and addiction are his private information. However, there are a number of reasons addicts may choose to disclose their addiction to their children.

One of the most common reasons addicts disclose to children is concern—or knowing—that one or more of their children have been exposed to their secret sexual behaviors in the past through inadvertently “catching” the addict acting out, finding sexual material on a home computer, or unknowingly having contact with an affair partner while with the addict.

Other reasons addicts disclose to children include a desire to be accountable and to acknowledge the impact their addiction has had on their children, or the discovery that their adult child is now struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors.

When deciding who will disclose to children, it’s always best for an addict and his partner to talk to children together unless the couple are no longer in a relationship, or there are extenuating circumstances such as an imminent public disclosure.

Here are 8 best practices for talking to children about a parent’s addiction:

1
Share Age Appropriate Information

Giving children age appropriate information is crucial when disclosing addiction—especially to minor children (under the age of 18).

For example, if you’re talking to a 5-year old, you would speak in broader generalities than you would with a 14-year old. You might tell a 5-year old, “Remember when you were having trouble learning your numbers and you needed extra help? Daddy has a problem too that he’s getting help for. When he’s gone at night (or treatment) he’s going to meet with other people who have the same problem so they can work on it together and he can solve his problem.”

For children who are a little older, you could add, “Daddy make a mistake and lied.” Or, “Remember when you and Sue were having a fight at school? Mom and Dad are having some problems in their relationship kind of like that, and we’re getting help to work them out.”

The need to share age appropriate information can be made more challenging if you have several children ranging in age from 8 to 17, for example. In cases like this, I recommend you speak to all of the children at the same time with information appropriate to the youngest child, and then have additional conversations—if needed—with older children who can understand the issue at a deeper level, or need more explanation.

Keep in mind that most children—including adult children—don’t want to hear about their parent’s sex life. For this reason, it’s better to err on the side of disclosing more general information, rather than sharing things you can’t take back that create a permanent, painful memory for them.

For example, it is better to say to an older child (over the age of 12) that her parent is struggling with addiction than to specifically say sex addiction. Sex addiction is not well understood even in the general adult population. Disclosing sex addiction specifically to a minor child requires you to explain and define it, and can make the child feel unsure or “icky” (shame) as she imagines or tries to guess what it means.

Unless there’s a specific, compelling reason for you to share more details, stick to generalities. You can always have another conversation at a later time when the child is more mature and capable of taking in and processing additional information.

2
Seek Professional Guidance

If you want to disclose past addictive behaviors—whether to a partner or your children—I highly recommend you seek professional guidance from a therapist who has experience with disclosures involving out of control sexual behavior or sex addiction. Most addicts who attempt disclosure on their own tend to over-share, often in ways that actually traumatize—rather than help—those who receive the disclosure.

Unless you’re in a situation of forced or imminent disclosure (see below), there is no need to rush. Disclosure to children should not take place before a formal therapeutic disclosure with a partner or the completion of a significant amount of step-work in a 12-step fellowship. Take your time and get qualified professional help.

3
Discuss What’s Included in Advance

Addicts and partners should discuss what information will be disclosed to children prior to the actual event, and have a list of agreed on “talking points” to cover. If the addict has prepared a disclosure with the guidance of his/her therapist, the partner should have an opportunity to review and discuss any edits or changes with the addict prior to talking to their children.

4
Decide—in Advance—Where & When

When planning where to make a disclosure to minor children, home is typically best. There are some cases, especially with adult children, when it can be helpful to have the disclosure at a therapist’s office. Having a therapist present acting as a facilitator is recommended in cases where the addict and adult child have been estranged, or the child has strong feelings about the addict’s past acting out behaviors.

Avoid making disclosure to children on an important day such as a birthday, holiday, or other special occasion so that they don’t have to carry the burden of having a joyful occasion “paired” with receiving confusing or painful information from one of their parents. Also, allow plenty of time after the disclosure for conversation and processing, rather than rushing off to an already scheduled event.

5
Don’t Ask for Forgiveness

I always cringe when I hear an addict ask for forgiveness when making a disclosure to his partner, or children.

The primary purpose of disclosure is to give the other person information they need and deserve to know. Addicts should avoid including any information in a disclosure that has the effect of evoking pity, or that highlights how he was harmed or victimized in the past.

Forgiveness is an organic process that arises in its own time.

6
How to Handle “Forced” Disclosure

There are some times—although rare—when a disclosure of sexual acting out will be disclosed due to an arrest, legal matter, or other situation involving the media. In cases like this, it is highly recommended that you seek guidance immediately about how to disclose to children so that they get the information directly from a parent rather than from the media, peers, or law enforcement.

7
Invite Their Questions & Accept Their Feelings

Once you’ve shared the information, ask your children if they have any questions. Depending on their age, personality, and temperament they may have no questions—or many. If they don’t have questions and appear eager to end the conversation, tell them you’re open and available for any questions they may have in the future.

If children become visibly distraught or cry during disclosure, don’t assume what they’re thinking or feeling. Start with a general question like, “Can you talk to me about how you’re feeling?” rather than assuming what may be happening for them. Whatever their feelings, tell them they have a right to all of them, and that they’re perfectly fine.

8
Tell Them It’s Not Their Fault

And last but not least, any disclosure to children should include a statement to the effect of, “This is a grown-up problem/adult problem and I am 100% responsible for solving it. It’s not your fault.”

Children—by their very nature—are ego-centric and interpret the painful events in their life as their fault or as a reflection on them. When you tell them it’s not their fault and that you’re in charge of taking care of the problem, you release them from taking on undue guilt and hardship.

For more information about disclosure to children, see Disclosing Secrets: An Addict’s Guide for When, to Whom, and How Much to Reveal by M. Deborah Corley and Jennifer P Schneider.

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Partners of Sex Addicts Struggle with Loneliness and Isolation

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2017/03/15/partners-of-sex-addicts-struggle-with-loneliness-and-isolation/

By Dr. Georgia Fourlas, LCSW, LISAC, CSAT, Clinical Director of Rio Retreat Center Workshops

Partners of sex addicts often find themselves feeling alone and isolated. First, the feelings of loneliness come when the addicted partner is acting out. Although the partner of the sex addict is not always able to identify what is wrong, they often sense the addict’s distance and are aware of a shift in the addict or in the relationship.

Trying to figure out what is wrong in the relationship can be exhausting. Many times partners end up feeling like they are going crazy. They know something isn’t right, but they are not able to put their finger on it. When the partner tries to confront the addicted person, he or she often denies everything and accuses the partner of acting crazy, imagining things or being overly jealous and controlling.

Partners may begin to doubt their own sense of reality. They may recognize that they are attempting to control something, but they are not even sure what that something is! When partners attempt to explain to family and friends what they are experiencing, it is hard to describe. How are they supposed to describe what they do not understand? They begin to feel shame, and they are not even sure what that shame is about.

There are other times when the partner knows exactly what is going on. The addict has not admitted it yet and has not considered recovery so the partner hesitates to share anything with their family and friends. They may feel embarrassed and wonder if there is something wrong with them that caused the addicted person to act out.

The partner may not want to hear the opinions of family and friends who may give them advice on whether to stay or leave. They may not want to risk sharing their pain with those who may judge their decisions about the relationship. There is also sometimes the fear that others have known all along, and that they view the partner as a fool. This belief can deepen the shame they already feel over the addict’s behaviors.

The Pain Doesn’t End When The Addicted Partner Enters Recovery

Even after the addicted partner stops acting out and enters recovery, loneliness and isolation can continue. While it is great to have the addict in recovery, it can be frustrating to have the time and energy still focused outside of the home as the addict enters treatment, commits to regular therapy, and begins involvement in 12 step meeting attendance and activities. Partners can become resentful of the time spent away from the family and can feel as though they continue to carry the family and parenting responsibilities alone. All of the time spent covering family and household duties while supporting the addict can lead a partner to further isolation. Another isolating factor can be the reactions of family and friends to the partner when they discover the addict’s behaviors. Well-meaning family and friends can react in ways that are not helpful and can be extremely shaming and disempowering of the partner. Some reactions can lead to the partner feeling guilty for wanting to leave.

Those reactions might include statements like…

  • “Why would you leave when he just went for help?”
  • “You can’t leave, what would you tell the children?”
  • “How could you leave her at her most vulnerable? She needs your help.”

Other reactions can lead to the partner feeling guilty for wanting to stay. These include reactions such as…

  • “You need to leave that cheater right now!”
  • “You can’t possibly stay with her after she has been with so many other people.”
  • “What will you be teaching your kids if you allow this kind of thing?”

These well-intended messages can be perceived by the partner as shaming and controlling. It can feel like no one understands what the partner is going through. It can begin to feel like there is no help or support available.

Partners of Sex Addicts Deserve Help Too

It is important that partners know that the addict is not the only one who deserves help. Partners deserve and need help and support too. Loneliness and isolation are not a life sentence that partners of sex addicts must endure. It is okay for partners to insist that their own healing is also a priority.

It is important for partners to connect with others who have been through similar situations, who can lend a non-judgmental listening ear and who can offer support regardless of whether the partner decides to stay in the relationship or leave. There are others individuals out there dealing with the same things and even some who have already survived it.

There are also a variety of options for partners who are seeking help and healing. Partners can go to inpatient treatment, they can participate in intensive workshops designed specifically for partners, they can enroll in outpatient therapy, and/or participate in the numerous 12 step recovery groups that are just for partners of sex addicts.

Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows offers 5-day intensive workshops designed specifically for partners of sex addicts. The Healing Intimate Treason workshop, designed by Dr. Claudia Black, has been very successful in helping partners heal and connect with others who are struggling with the same feelings and issues.

To enroll in a workshop, or discuss any of our inpatient and outpatient treatment options, please call our intake department at 800-244-4949. Our experts are happy to answer any questions you may have, and help you find the best options for getting you on the path to healing and happiness.

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