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The Codependent’s Guide to Surviving a Breakup

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/the-codependents-guide-to-surviving-a-breakup/

Break-ups can be nasty experiences and we all go through them. It can be a shock to the system and can knock us off course for a while. The best case scenario is that a couple can mutually agree to separate and logically work through that process and even then it can be difficult adjusting to the is that was. Depending on the type of person you are, it can take quite some time to get over it enough to be able to move forward.

The human experience is shaped by connection, and few events test us more than the end of a relationship. A breakup is rarely just the loss of a partner, it often feels like the loss of part of ourselves. We grieve the routines we shared, the future we imagined, and the security that came with being attached. Even when we know the relationship wasn’t right, the emotional system takes much longer to adjust. This is why breakups can feel so destabilizing. Recovery comes slowly, through self-reflection, patience, and acceptance, as we rebuild both identity and trust in our own resilience. Learning individuality and what that means for a relationship is essential.

However, the presence of emotion and sometimes extreme emotion, makes that process often extremely difficult. If you add into that mix, a level of codependency, then it complicates the matter greatly.

“Loss of a relationship is painful, but if you lose yourself in a relationship, when it ends, it’s devastating, because you are lost.” — Darlene Lancer 

“The sad truth is that the more you give up your responsibility the more you become controlled by others and are unable to be your authentic self. However, as you insist upon taking responsibility for yourself and your life … it gives you freedom.” — Julia Lang 

“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under‐react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.” — Melody Beattie 

Anyone who identifies as a codependent, will naturally have major issues that make separation from a partner difficult. Due to the very childhood issues that caused codependency in the first place, the codependent is not in the best place to deal with the perceived abandonment and rejection that will certainly come. As codependents generally find it difficult to face being alone, it can be a traumatic time. Codependents define themselves through relationships and a void where that relationship was will open up.

Before we talk about break-ups, it is relevant to talk about codependent relationships in general. Given that connection was “worked” for as a child, the adult mind will be seeking a connection with a “moving target”. In real terms, that means an emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature individual who has trouble processing emotional input and is more likely avoidant of feelings and sometimes empathy. This keeps them on the path of repetition compulsion, A Freudian theory that says we attempt to fix childhood dysfunctional relationships with adult partners.

This is a mirror of events from the codependent’s childhood and the same drive to connect is there. This is done with control measures designed to keep the object of their codependency in a certain space. Attempts at fixing, enabling, martyrdom, sacrifice, anger, victimhood are all tools at their disposal. These tools keep them highly focused on their partner and they are hypervigilant to changes in moods and behavior that might need a readjustment of their approach. It is an extremely intense process for all involved but can maintain itself over a sustained period, until it doesn’t and that’s where the issues really start.

Immediately after a break-up, a codependent will often be in shock that this has happened to them and the connection they so carefully nurtured has been ripped from their grasp. Their first instinct will be to try to re-establish a connection with either their ex-partner or someone else. The latter point is why we see many people jump from one relationship straight into another with often disastrous results. Taking the dysfunction from one to another never generally works.

Codependents are also often fixed on “winning” back their ex-partner and lots of focus is often placed on contact with the ex. A codependent’s natural tendency is to attempt reconnection through various means. Firstly, an obsession can be created in an attempt to become quickly the person the ex wanted in the first place. This means a rapid change to new behavior and thinking based on the expectation that this will lead to reconciliation. Secondly, another tendency is to pepper the ex with emotional insights, realizations, updates about changes and any other reason they can find for contact.

This is a difficult period for a codependent who is often lost and spends generally, a lot of time trawling social media (including the ex) for answers and clues to what happened to them. Reconciliation, is of course always possible but it will only happen if the two people involved become healthy in their thinking. That does mean both people because it is likely the codependent was involved with someone who was also not healthy when it comes to connection. Often this is a pipe dream and the ex has maybe even moved on emotionally long before the separation. Letting go of the ambition to reconnect with an elusive ex is one of the biggest challenges facing a codependent after a break-up. Attempting can often lead to frustration and humiliation and spends energy needed to become healthy.

To aid recovery after a break-up, a therapist will be asking a codependent to attempt something that they have found near impossible before. That is to become a healthy individual who meets their own needs. They will see their needs in terms of what their ex might need or want but this has to be curtailed. The first part of the process is to be in touch with and allow any feelings that they have concerning the break-up. These need to be processed in therapy or by journaling and not in constant attempts to tell their ex how bad they feel. Hard as it is, no contact and blocking and deleting might be the only way to move forward. It hurts but the space is needed for growth. Codependents are not healthy people. They think they are in love but are essentially trying to control the uncontrollable to make themselves secure. This mirrors their childhood actions in trying to “parent” their parents.

Once this is established, the road to becoming a healthy individual means becoming a healthy, functioning adult who takes responsibility for their actions and can learn trust and fruitful connection. This can be a long road for some but it is a process and a process has an end at some point. How that end looks depends on many factors but the following tips will always help:

How to get over a bad break-up Part 1

How to get over a bad break-up Part 2

Give it time before a new relationship

Why Individuality is essential in relationships

Dr Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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How To Understand the Type of Codependent You Are

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/how-to-understand-the-type-of-codependent-you-are/

We frequently read about the various forms of narcissism in the countless articles available on the internet. There are some that are official and others that individuals use to explain their experiences. In this scenario, it’s important to keep in mind that anything other than an official diagnosis of NPD is merely a description of behaviour. However, I’m curious as to the number of undiagnosed narcissists, given that many of them would refuse to be examined. In any case, I digress.

In my everyday work with codependents, who do not need to be tested, I see a variety of different “types” of codependency, to the point that we may assert that not all codependency is the same. Through my work, I’ve observed how these personalities affect behaviour and the relationships in which they find themselves. As with any definition or classification of “types,” one might envision that the individual impacted may exhibit a combination of these traits and may even evolve into one “type” or another at different times depending on the relationship and possibly even the period of life in which they find themselves.

To refresh your memory, codependency is a coping/survival strategy that formed in childhood as a result of a broken connection with caregivers as a result of inadequate or inattentive parenting. Codependency stems from toxic shame, as well as developmental and relational trauma. Codependents replay this trauma in adulthood and use the same survival strategy in adult relationships, believing that constant giving and external emphasis on others would provide them with emotional security. This approach is ultimately flawed since codependents are frequently in relationships with others who are unable or unwilling to reciprocate, therefore perpetuating the cycle of push/pull. A comprehensive list of codependent symptoms can be found HERE.

This list is by no means comprehensive or does it represent any kind of official diagnosis. It is just a series of observations I have made over the years. Please keep in mind while reading that all forms of codependency are defined by a need to control to feel secure. Controlling others can be done directly or, as in the case of codependency, quite indirectly. More on the roots of codependency HERE and more about codependent control HERE.

The Compliant Codependent: According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Dependant Personality Disorder is the closest thing to codependency. Affected individuals will completely immerse themselves in the world of another, complying at all times and viewing the world as only safe when viewed through the eyes of their partner (could also be a friend). Shades of this can be found in the Compliant Codependent, who not only performs everything required of them and more, but who also anticipates their wants and adapts to satisfy them through constant hypervigilance. It is, in fact, a complete loss of one’s sense of self and the inability to successfully address one’s own needs. Contrary to popular belief, the compliant will frequently complain to others about how horrible their situation is while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing about it. There is just one thing they want out of life: to satisfy their codependent object at all costs, no matter what the consequences are for themselves. If they are left alone, their worst case scenario is that they will get overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment. Because they are always in denial, they are frequently the most difficult form of codependent to treat. 

The Masochistic Codependent: Masochistic Personality Disorder was dropped from the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Some distinguished scholars, most notably Theodore Millon, view its omission as an error and advocate for its return in future editions. Whether or not it is described in the handbook, there is abundant proof that it exists in some form and causes suffering to those who are afflicted. This has been seen in my work, where clients almost relish the thought of self-defeating behaviour, anticipate it, and are never startled when it occurs. Additionally, sufferers frequently avoid or disregard pleasurable events. They frequently allow themselves to get dragged into dangerous circumstances or relationships. Additionally, they typically refuse assistance from others. They frequently choose partnerships that are detrimental to their well-being despite the availability of better choices. Pleasurable experiences are met with guilt, despair, or even more self-defeating behaviour. They frequently elicit angry or rejecting responses from others in order to achieve a sense of failure or humiliation. One particularly unfavourable component of this disease is that sufferers actively choose not to pursue personal objectives even when they are capable of doing so, and they reject anyone who attempts to assist them while selflessly devoting themselves to others. It’s a never-ending spiral of defeatism. From an early age, the masochist is trained to despise themselves, to believe they are undeserving of love and worthless as a person. As a result, he or she is more likely to engage in self-destructive, punitive, and punishing self-sabotaging behaviours. This brings me to the codependency connection. The distinctions between the two topics are frequently blurred. Codependents frequently utilise victimhood as a controlling mechanism to perpetuate their dependency, and this frequently leads to self-defeating behaviours. Numerous characteristics of the disorder can also be linked to codependents. This adds additional layer of complexity to treatment that every therapist working with codependents must consider.

The Drama Triangle Codependent Version 1: The drama triangle is a form of codependent control that is used to alter the narrative of a relationship and keep a codependent safe by keeping their partner in a controlled environment that is comfortable for the codependent. Given the use of the term “triangle,” one might infer without too much thought that this method of control consists of three components. That is a reasonable assumption, but the situation is more complicated than that. It can be used as a control cycle, progressing from one element to the next, or each point could be used indefinitely. The cycle, in my experience, is the most prevalent manifestation of this. Please go HERE for additional details. The most frequent form of codependency is the “Fixer,” which is a reflection of childhood dysfunction. The Fixer is the type of codependent who is constantly available to help others, serving as the lifeblood of the family or community. They will take on any issue and attempt to resolve it. The consummate people pleaser who has been taught by ineffective and inattentive parenting that they must perform increasingly more tasks in order to be validated. This people-pleasing effort comes at a significant cost to everyone engaged, since they are expected to provide a “return” of validation. The codependent is frequently fatigued and prone to depression and burnout.

The Drama Triangle Codependent Version 2: Codependents, it’s a little-known fact, can get very angry. At times, all of the suppressed feelings from childhood come gushing to the surface. It’s common to see this in conflict or when attempts to fix (as in the previous paragraph) have failed. This is the triangle’s second component. In the event that codependents believe they are losing control or are at risk of being abandoned,(or at least feel they are)rage can ensue. There are many reasons why codependents lash out in rage, but the most common are despair, fear, and frustration. To keep themselves safe, some codependents go to extremes, such as being continuously furious and manipulating others. Because of the intensity of their feelings of rage, some of these codependents may be mistaken for narcissists.

The Drama Triangle Codependent Version 3: Often when fixing and anger don’t bring the needed rewards, a codependent will turn to victimhood. Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a form of disordered thinking that seeks to feel persecuted in order to get attention or avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions. Individuals who battle with victim mentality believe that life is not only beyond their control, but is actively seeking to harm them. This assumption results in a never-ending cycle of blaming, finger-pointing, and pity parties, all of which are fueled by pessimism, fear, and wrath. Codependents utilise it to be rescued, and it is the polar opposite of “fixing,” in which they view others as victims. Playing the victim implies that they are looking for someone to rescue them. They are seeking attention and require a sense of belonging. However, when the cycle continues, this frequently results in more fixing.

The Controlling Codependent: A controlling codependent feels secure only when the object (partner) is insecure and the power balance shifts in his or her favour. With this sense of uncertainty, the codependent can set about repairing and gratifying others (To their advantage). They maintain control in this case, they accept and agree with their spouse, and they do all possible to give the idea that everything is well. Generally, what they do not want is for their partner to feel secure. This may arouse fears that they may be abandoned and alone. Codependents who are in control would then use subtle and not-so-subtle strategies such as silent treatment, passive-aggressive conduct, and victimisation to erode their object’s sense of security. Additionally, they are acutely aware of changes in the object’s mood or behaviour, which may indicate that the tide is turning in either direction. This is very much a part of the drama triangle I previously explained.

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For Codependency, read loneliness.

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/for-codependency-read-loneliness/

Codependents are generally believed to crave relationship status and are also believed to struggle profusely when not in one. In spite of the fact that they are participating in a partnership that is beneficial to both parties, individuals who are codependent in their romantic relationships may frequently experience feelings of isolation. This is the case even though they are part of a relationship that might, in effect, provide them with support. People who have tendencies towards codependency frequently demonstrate a significant dependence on their significant others for the purposes of validating themselves, boosting their self-esteem, and maintaining psychological equilibrium. Even though the individuals may be physically involved in the relationship, their emotional needs are frequently not being met, which results in a feeling of separation and isolation.

I know from my own experience of codependency that this isolation and feeling of loneliness can be crippling. I often expressed exactly what people wanted to hear (or so I thought) and felt being emotionally honest about how I really felt would lead to a breakup. This left these feelings with me to cope with and I can remember many hours berating myself and blaming others for my inabilities concerning communication. With no-one to turn to, I went inwards and buried those thoughts and moved on, all the while building resentment, that often spewed out eventually in an inappropriate outburst or passive aggressive behaviour.

In a romantic relationship, the experience of feeling alone can arise even when both partners are supportive of each other due to the presence of codependency. People who display codependent tendencies may rely heavily on their partners for validation, self-worth, and emotional stability. Despite being physically involved in a relationship, emotional needs may often go unmet, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Codependents often experience solitude due to their tendency to prioritise the needs of their significant other above their own. It is common for people to prioritise their partner’s desires over their own personal goals and preferences. Engaging in such behaviour may lead individuals to disconnect from their sense of self, personal interests, and community ties, which can result in a deep sense of emptiness and isolation.

Individuals with codependency tendencies exhibit a proclivity to place significant reliance on their partner’s affirmation and validation as a means of bolstering their own self-worth. Some people may have a tendency to constantly seek validation and confirmation from their partner. Without proper validation, one might feel inadequate and as though their affection is not being returned. Individuals who constantly seek external validation may become vulnerable as they rely on their partner’s perception of their value. Having a partner who is emotionally distant or unresponsive can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Additionally, people who exhibit codependent tendencies may often face challenges in setting healthy boundaries in their relationships with others. Some people may feel anxious about the possibility of rejection or abandonment, which can lead them to compromise their own needs and boundaries in order to maintain the relationship. A possible result of this situation is that individuals may feel like they have insufficient personal space and autonomy, leading to feelings of suffocation and disconnection from both themselves and those around them. Without clear boundaries, individuals may find it difficult to distinguish their own sense of self from that of their partner, which can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Individuals who display codependent tendencies may find themselves in romantic relationships with emotionally aloof or narcissistic partners in some cases. It’s possible that these associates may not be able or willing to meet the emotional needs of the codependent person, which could lead to feelings of worthlessness and neglect. Despite being in a romantic partnership, a person who is codependent may still feel emotionally abandoned, which can make them feel even more alone.

To prevent feelings of loneliness in a codependent relationship, it’s crucial for both partners to recognise and prioritise their own needs and well-being. Developing a self-concept that is independent of one’s partner’s validation is crucial. Developing a more fulfilling life involves creating a social network outside of a romantic relationship, pursuing personal interests, and maintaining healthy boundaries.

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Recognizing Codependency in Our Relationships

Originally posted at: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/relationshipsandmentalillness/2021/9/recognizing-codependency-in-our-relationships

Codependency was a term I remember hearing as a teen but didn’t understand. What is the difference between offering and relying on support from a loved one in times of need and being codependent with that person? I’ve seen people in my life slip into this unhealthy relationship pattern and I understand now just how mental illness and trauma create the perfect environment for codependency to grow.

What is Codependency?

Codependency refers to an over-reliance on someone else whether it be in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family. It is when one person in a relationship acts as the giver or the enabler and takes on too much responsibility for the other’s needs at their own expense. The “taker” can’t function independently without the giver taking care of them. It becomes a cycle where one person needs the other and the other needs to be needed.1 Codependency is a common relationship pitfall when mental illness is involved.

People in codependent relationships don’t have healthy boundaries between themselves and others, and their identities become so enmeshed with the other that they lose their sense of individuality. According to Mental Health America, codependency can also be described as “relationship addiction.”2 When one or both people in the relationship has a mental illness, it’s all too easy to slice into codependency because there is already a reason for one person to rely too much on the other for support.3

How I Have Managed to Avoid Codependence in My Relationship

The topic of co-dependency came up between me and my partner this past week. There is a natural imbalance in our relationship because of my anxiety, and I seek more emotional support from him than he does from me. We could slip into co-dependency because of this inherent imbalance, but after eight years together, we haven’t crossed into that territory. We started to talk about what we do that protect our relationship from codependency. These are some of the things we do:

  • We have individual identities separate from our relationship. We are a unit made of two distinct individuals. We enjoy being together but we can also enjoy being apart. I have my own friends and interests and he has his.
  • We don’t need to ask each other for permission to do things without the other, nor is there any guilt involved in doing so. We tell each other about our plans out of consideration and because we want to, not because we have to.
  • He offers me support that empowers me to reach a place where I can help myself. He does not enable my self-defeating thoughts or behaviors by playing into them or trying to “rescue” me.
  • I offer him whatever support I can, even if the type of support he needs looks very different from the support I would need in the same situation.
  • He draws a clear boundary between my feelings and his which helps me when I begin to overidentify with his emotions. We don’t allow our emotions to become intertwined.
  • We communicate openly about our relationship. We feel safe bringing up concerns and stating what we need from each other. We listen to and value each other’s perspectives.

How Do You Know if Your Relationship Is Codependent?

My relationship has helped me find myself as an individual rather than lose my own identity, but I personally know many who lose themselves in their relationships or rely on a relationship to define or complete them. They also tend to struggle with the difference between co-dependency and care, support, and affection. If you are wondering whether your relationship is codependent, ask yourself these questions:

  • Who are you without this person? Can you answer this question?
  • How do you feel when you spend time apart? How do they feel?
  • Does one of you always seem to be making sacrifices for the other?
  • Do you make excuses for their actions even when you don’t agree? Do they make excuses for you?
  • Do either you or your partner use the other as their sole source of support?
  • Do you feel like you can’t function without them, or feel that they can’t function without you?

Even though the cycle of needing and being needed can feel rewarding in the short-term, codependent relationships can become abusive and make mental illness even worse by taking away your independence and identity.3

If you think your relationship might be codependent or you have these tendencies and want to avoid this type of relationship, there are plenty of resources to help. Mental health counselors can help with codependency, there is a recovery group called Codependents Anonymous, and there is information online to help you with self-reflection and building healthy habits in relationships.

For more information, check out this collection of articles on identifying, understanding, and healing from codependency. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Sources

  1. Berry, Jenniffer. What’s to Know About Codependent Relationships? Medical News Today. October 2017.
  2. Mental Health America. “Co-Dependency.” Accessed September 26, 2021.
  3. Gould, Wendy Rose. “What Is Codependency? Recognizing the Signs.” Verywell Mind. December 2020. 

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Where Narcissists And Codependents Share Common Ground

Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/21/where-narcissists-and-codependents-share-common-ground/

Much of the content available online paint narcissists as monsters and codependents as victims. As most of the personal blogs that carry this content are seemingly written by people who have had a relationship with a narcissist that went badly, it is hardly surprising that they feel hard done by. The word narcissist is too easy to use as a label for selfish and self-centered people who may or may not be one and I do truly have the feeling that anyone who ends a relationship badly is quickly ordained with this moniker. By doing this, people are putting themselves in victim status and suggesting that they were “caught” or “had” or “deceived” and in many cases, that could be the truth but is it the whole truth? Are we too quick to use the Narc label to avoid responsibility for own failings?

While it is quite likely true that there are men, narcissist or not, who prey on vulnerable women, it is too simplistic to suggest this is all that is happening. We have to look at people’s motives for getting into a relationship in the first place and this is where codependency and narcissism can share some common ground. Shared issues but different approaches to the problem.

While we can be very comfortable alone, we are all looking for “the one”, who will help us navigate this difficult world. Humans by nature, are not solitary beings and we all prefer to be with someone who cares about us and loves us, even if most of us have no idea what love is. In the adulation phase of the relationship, namely the first six months, we tend to lose our heads somewhat in the euphoria of a new relationship. Boundaries and limits and some might say common sense, go out of our minds in the process of attraction. I am reminded of an experiment held on the BBC concerning how our brains work during this process. Full of hormonal leanings, the couples highlighted who were attracted to each other started to mimic facial gestures, body language and even opinions that they admitted they didn’t hold before. Oh, how our brains trick us.

It is in this euphoria that codependents are often prey to someone who might use their need to connect to their own advantage and due to the reasons stated above, are not always aware or open to being made aware of potential issues. Many times in therapy, I have asked a client, to no avail, to take it slow and find out who their new partner really is. It often falls on deaf ears with disastrous results waiting further down the line. When it comes to the narcissist-codependent dance, it is often a case of inferiority complex meets superiority complex and something has to give.

While there appears to be a clear difference between the narcissist and the codependent, they come from the same background. While there is little known about the causes of narcissism, an abusive childhood full of toxic shame is one factor that is an obvious one. With this in mind, they live in an extreme shortage mentality that means they must take what they need. Not surprisingly, most are men who are traditionally taught not to show emotion or especially anger. It creates a self-esteem void that must be filled with input from others to the advantage of the narcissist. Whatever their needs are, they will take them through manipulation and severe control of their target. Whether it is sex, admiration or just because they can, they destroy their victims for their own benefit. I have seen women take years to get over such an encounter. Amazingly, these people are also present on the internet, advertising themselves a the narcissist who can help you with your narcissist partner. This is always a scam to attract and entrap the vulnerable and naive who might actually believe what they are saying is true. In one such case I know, it is virtually impossible to leave once subscribed as the victims face such things as having their reputations ruined, websites hacked into and other repugnant measures. The sad element of this is that the people who do this are so into the “cult” figure that runs the website, that they will do anything for whoever is behind it. Such is the seductive nature and power of the narcissist.

Codependents are also created through toxic shame but come from the problem from a different angle. Starved of affection and connection as a child, they are taught that they are not good enough and have to work for everything they get. Codependents are often workaholics or overachievers and bring that attitude to relationships. There is not much a codependent won’t do to gain what they need. They also have a self-esteem void which needs filling and this is where comparisons can be drawn with the narcissist.

In my recent podcast with Jane, I asked her what she was getting from a relationship with her narcissist partner. She was surprised when I brought up the idea that by trying to be indispensable in his life, she was trying to control the narrative of the relationship. She was giving all to get something and filling her self-esteem void by trying to make him secure and subsequently herself too. The issue always is that nothing is genuine with a narcissist and the only security he will allow is through manipulation. I have often stated that a relationship with a narcissist is doomed the day a new partner meets them. They will stay physically longer but will gradually emotionally detach after the adulation phase. Something akin to a tornado of increasing strength that blows through leaving destruction in its path.

This is where the similarities can be seen. The self-esteem void needs to be filled. They just do it in very different ways. Let’s not forget though that codependents can also show “nasty” aspects of their character too. Meant codependents are very angry people who use this and playing a perpetual victim to control their partner. This is often mixed up with silent treatment and statements like “look at everything I do for you!”.

Maybe this determines why the two personalities on either end of a long spectrum often find each other.