CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

codependent

By

Recognizing Codependency in Our Relationships

Originally posted at: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/relationshipsandmentalillness/2021/9/recognizing-codependency-in-our-relationships

Codependency was a term I remember hearing as a teen but didn’t understand. What is the difference between offering and relying on support from a loved one in times of need and being codependent with that person? I’ve seen people in my life slip into this unhealthy relationship pattern and I understand now just how mental illness and trauma create the perfect environment for codependency to grow.

What is Codependency?

Codependency refers to an over-reliance on someone else whether it be in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family. It is when one person in a relationship acts as the giver or the enabler and takes on too much responsibility for the other’s needs at their own expense. The “taker” can’t function independently without the giver taking care of them. It becomes a cycle where one person needs the other and the other needs to be needed.1 Codependency is a common relationship pitfall when mental illness is involved.

People in codependent relationships don’t have healthy boundaries between themselves and others, and their identities become so enmeshed with the other that they lose their sense of individuality. According to Mental Health America, codependency can also be described as “relationship addiction.”2 When one or both people in the relationship has a mental illness, it’s all too easy to slice into codependency because there is already a reason for one person to rely too much on the other for support.3

How I Have Managed to Avoid Codependence in My Relationship

The topic of co-dependency came up between me and my partner this past week. There is a natural imbalance in our relationship because of my anxiety, and I seek more emotional support from him than he does from me. We could slip into co-dependency because of this inherent imbalance, but after eight years together, we haven’t crossed into that territory. We started to talk about what we do that protect our relationship from codependency. These are some of the things we do:

  • We have individual identities separate from our relationship. We are a unit made of two distinct individuals. We enjoy being together but we can also enjoy being apart. I have my own friends and interests and he has his.
  • We don’t need to ask each other for permission to do things without the other, nor is there any guilt involved in doing so. We tell each other about our plans out of consideration and because we want to, not because we have to.
  • He offers me support that empowers me to reach a place where I can help myself. He does not enable my self-defeating thoughts or behaviors by playing into them or trying to “rescue” me.
  • I offer him whatever support I can, even if the type of support he needs looks very different from the support I would need in the same situation.
  • He draws a clear boundary between my feelings and his which helps me when I begin to overidentify with his emotions. We don’t allow our emotions to become intertwined.
  • We communicate openly about our relationship. We feel safe bringing up concerns and stating what we need from each other. We listen to and value each other’s perspectives.

How Do You Know if Your Relationship Is Codependent?

My relationship has helped me find myself as an individual rather than lose my own identity, but I personally know many who lose themselves in their relationships or rely on a relationship to define or complete them. They also tend to struggle with the difference between co-dependency and care, support, and affection. If you are wondering whether your relationship is codependent, ask yourself these questions:

  • Who are you without this person? Can you answer this question?
  • How do you feel when you spend time apart? How do they feel?
  • Does one of you always seem to be making sacrifices for the other?
  • Do you make excuses for their actions even when you don’t agree? Do they make excuses for you?
  • Do either you or your partner use the other as their sole source of support?
  • Do you feel like you can’t function without them, or feel that they can’t function without you?

Even though the cycle of needing and being needed can feel rewarding in the short-term, codependent relationships can become abusive and make mental illness even worse by taking away your independence and identity.3

If you think your relationship might be codependent or you have these tendencies and want to avoid this type of relationship, there are plenty of resources to help. Mental health counselors can help with codependency, there is a recovery group called Codependents Anonymous, and there is information online to help you with self-reflection and building healthy habits in relationships.

For more information, check out this collection of articles on identifying, understanding, and healing from codependency. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Sources

  1. Berry, Jenniffer. What’s to Know About Codependent Relationships? Medical News Today. October 2017.
  2. Mental Health America. “Co-Dependency.” Accessed September 26, 2021.
  3. Gould, Wendy Rose. “What Is Codependency? Recognizing the Signs.” Verywell Mind. December 2020. 

By

Where Narcissists And Codependents Share Common Ground

Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/21/where-narcissists-and-codependents-share-common-ground/

Much of the content available online paint narcissists as monsters and codependents as victims. As most of the personal blogs that carry this content are seemingly written by people who have had a relationship with a narcissist that went badly, it is hardly surprising that they feel hard done by. The word narcissist is too easy to use as a label for selfish and self-centered people who may or may not be one and I do truly have the feeling that anyone who ends a relationship badly is quickly ordained with this moniker. By doing this, people are putting themselves in victim status and suggesting that they were “caught” or “had” or “deceived” and in many cases, that could be the truth but is it the whole truth? Are we too quick to use the Narc label to avoid responsibility for own failings?

While it is quite likely true that there are men, narcissist or not, who prey on vulnerable women, it is too simplistic to suggest this is all that is happening. We have to look at people’s motives for getting into a relationship in the first place and this is where codependency and narcissism can share some common ground. Shared issues but different approaches to the problem.

While we can be very comfortable alone, we are all looking for “the one”, who will help us navigate this difficult world. Humans by nature, are not solitary beings and we all prefer to be with someone who cares about us and loves us, even if most of us have no idea what love is. In the adulation phase of the relationship, namely the first six months, we tend to lose our heads somewhat in the euphoria of a new relationship. Boundaries and limits and some might say common sense, go out of our minds in the process of attraction. I am reminded of an experiment held on the BBC concerning how our brains work during this process. Full of hormonal leanings, the couples highlighted who were attracted to each other started to mimic facial gestures, body language and even opinions that they admitted they didn’t hold before. Oh, how our brains trick us.

It is in this euphoria that codependents are often prey to someone who might use their need to connect to their own advantage and due to the reasons stated above, are not always aware or open to being made aware of potential issues. Many times in therapy, I have asked a client, to no avail, to take it slow and find out who their new partner really is. It often falls on deaf ears with disastrous results waiting further down the line. When it comes to the narcissist-codependent dance, it is often a case of inferiority complex meets superiority complex and something has to give.

While there appears to be a clear difference between the narcissist and the codependent, they come from the same background. While there is little known about the causes of narcissism, an abusive childhood full of toxic shame is one factor that is an obvious one. With this in mind, they live in an extreme shortage mentality that means they must take what they need. Not surprisingly, most are men who are traditionally taught not to show emotion or especially anger. It creates a self-esteem void that must be filled with input from others to the advantage of the narcissist. Whatever their needs are, they will take them through manipulation and severe control of their target. Whether it is sex, admiration or just because they can, they destroy their victims for their own benefit. I have seen women take years to get over such an encounter. Amazingly, these people are also present on the internet, advertising themselves a the narcissist who can help you with your narcissist partner. This is always a scam to attract and entrap the vulnerable and naive who might actually believe what they are saying is true. In one such case I know, it is virtually impossible to leave once subscribed as the victims face such things as having their reputations ruined, websites hacked into and other repugnant measures. The sad element of this is that the people who do this are so into the “cult” figure that runs the website, that they will do anything for whoever is behind it. Such is the seductive nature and power of the narcissist.

Codependents are also created through toxic shame but come from the problem from a different angle. Starved of affection and connection as a child, they are taught that they are not good enough and have to work for everything they get. Codependents are often workaholics or overachievers and bring that attitude to relationships. There is not much a codependent won’t do to gain what they need. They also have a self-esteem void which needs filling and this is where comparisons can be drawn with the narcissist.

In my recent podcast with Jane, I asked her what she was getting from a relationship with her narcissist partner. She was surprised when I brought up the idea that by trying to be indispensable in his life, she was trying to control the narrative of the relationship. She was giving all to get something and filling her self-esteem void by trying to make him secure and subsequently herself too. The issue always is that nothing is genuine with a narcissist and the only security he will allow is through manipulation. I have often stated that a relationship with a narcissist is doomed the day a new partner meets them. They will stay physically longer but will gradually emotionally detach after the adulation phase. Something akin to a tornado of increasing strength that blows through leaving destruction in its path.

This is where the similarities can be seen. The self-esteem void needs to be filled. They just do it in very different ways. Let’s not forget though that codependents can also show “nasty” aspects of their character too. Meant codependents are very angry people who use this and playing a perpetual victim to control their partner. This is often mixed up with silent treatment and statements like “look at everything I do for you!”.

Maybe this determines why the two personalities on either end of a long spectrum often find each other.

By

Codependency: Using The Right Tools To Heal

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/codependency-using-the-right-tools-to-heal/

Codependency is a thinking and behavioral problem. Codependents buy into the idea, promoted by acquired shame, that they are unlovable, not good enough or simply wrong and try to heal this by enabling and controlling others so they feel secure. They have an armory of tools at their disposal to do this. Rage, victimhood, silent treatment, martyring are just a few and codependents always look for the opportunity to be the savior of a crisis, scoring them points with their codependent object. Imagine how exhausting it is in terms of mental energy to keep this going, often with partners who have their own control agenda. Healing means using that mental energy for themselves and not on others.

Just how is this done in a mind that is so conditioned for external validation? A mind of a child that developed around emotionally unaware or distant caregivers and was given the impression it was of no value. The roots of codependency lie deep in child development and the inability or unwillingness of caregivers to learn the lessons of their own upbringing. Hence, many people are now having to reparent themselves as adults while being greatly affected by the influences of childhood. This is made more difficult by the need for connection with others which should be a seamless, pleasurable experience but ends up fraught with anxiety and fear.

Much of the issue lies in our inability to stay in the present moment and judge events for what they are instead of what we fear them to be based on experience. We fail to realise that thinking is just our way of noticing our world but we tend to give our thoughts much more power than needed by dwelling and applying our experiences to them when they could really be seen as just “passing” or reflections on the moment.

Many codependents who have done the work to become aware of what they are and where they come from are left with a dilemma. This means going through the process of unblending with others and releasing themselves from enmeshment. For some, it will be about ending dysfunctional or abusive relationships. Above all, it means becoming comfortable in being an individual with relationship and personal values and a sense of independence and individuality.

As I am writing, I am aware that this is often easier said than done but is not impossible. They have also gone through the work of reconnecting with deeper parts of their psyche and come to know how their developed thinking parts influence their view of themselves. To move on, they have to let go of the idea that they “need” to be in a relationship. This idea stems from relational and developmental trauma experienced as a child where connection with caregivers was broken and the child “worked” hard to connect, believing it could only be secure if such connection happened, a process that should be natural. In this process, there is no self-love but a love deficit and the need to control the environment, including the reaction of others, to feel secure. The following documents how one can continue after all of this work has been done and a codependent in the phase where new thinking will move them away from the thinking of the past.

I like to use different therapy models in different stages of recovery. I like the deep aspect of Inner Child work and I find Parts work as prescribed by IFS as especially effective. When we get to the stage described above, I tend to use aspects of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Theory) and the pivot system or redirection, it advocates. This is very effective in changing thinking and is as follows:

Defusion: See our thoughts with enough distance so we can choose what to do next. This is a thinking process that pivots from what ACT describes as fusion to defusion and redirects the need for coherence and yearning. Cognitive fusion means that we take our thoughts as literal and absolute and we allow them to overdetermine what we do about our thoughts. We fill our minds full of the terrible and awful and make a judgment on that. Defusion means seeing your thoughts as just thinking or noticing your environment and seeing them for what they are… fleeting attempts to make sense of our environment. For codependents, this means tuning into reality not fantasy and what that means for them. In a way, we are distancing ourselves from the destructive thoughts that cause psychological rigidity.

Self: Notice the story we have constructed about ourselves, about who we are. This means moving away from our conceptualised self or ego and not believing the stories told to us and about us. And redirects the yearning for connection and belonging. This is essential for codependents. Our stories, that is what we hold true about ourselves, can be helpful but when looked at rigidly, they hold us in a rigid grip that doesn‘t allow us to see reality or be honest with ourselves. Stories are mantras that come from our childhood such as “I am not good enough” or “That is all there is for me” and we defend them rigorously. The alternative is to become an observer and a witness or just being consciously aware of events in the moment without judgment or prejudice. This allows us to see that we are more than the propaganda that was fed to us. Those who can do this are tapping into their spiritual self.

Acceptance: Allow ourselves to feel even when those feelings are painful. A pivot from avoidance to acceptance and redirects the yearning to feel. Avoidance tells us that we need to run away from feelings of pain and the events that trigger that pain. Our minds tell us it is the easiest way to avoid pain and we will feel better when we feel good. This leads to addiction and codependency where staying in relationships being addicted to the small amount of good avoids the pain of change. However, avoidance only compounds our issues and makes it difficult to feel. If we can use acceptance, we try to embrace the whole experience with openness and curiosity and not in a victimized state. As ACT states, Acceptance pivots from feeling GOOD to FEELING good.

Presence: Direct attention to the present moment. This requires redirecting from rigid thinking governed by the past or an imagined future to conscious attention in the present moment. Rigid attention means ruminating about the past or mindlessly disappearing mentally with time wasting and addiction. The thoughts concerning past and present are our mind‘s way of not becoming lost by trying to make sense of sensory input through our experiences. Instead, we find ourselves often in mental fog, stuck as to what to do. For codependents, this is often defined in the internal battle they have in their mind between logic and emotion. The alternative is flexibility in viewing experiences and being in the here and now. This means choosing to pay heed to only thoughts that are helpful to us and moving on from thoughts that are not.

Values: Choose the values of being and doing. This requires redirecting from socially compliant goals to chosen values and deals with the yearning for self-direction and purpose. We often choose our path in life based on what we feel we have to do or to be compliant with the people around us. Research states that motivation for such goals is not sustainable and often builds resentment. Goals are not motivating because we are either concentrating on achieving them (future) or what to do after achieving them (past). Values on the other hand, are personal qualities of being and doing and govern the way we see relationships and the way we want to be treated. Setting values is a lifelong journey of meaning but above all, they are your personal values that define you as a person. For codependents who often become enmeshed in the life of others, this is an essential end point in recovery.

Action: Create habits that support choices and values. Pivoting from constant resistance to committed action and redirects the yearning to be competent. Taking action is all about creating and maintaining positive and effective habits. We often try to create habits in one foul swoop that becomes overwhelming and leads to procrastination. Taking positive action means new habits in smaller steps in line with our values. A codependent will find this part extremely scary.

By

If You Are Codependent, Please Read

Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/14/if-you-are-codependent-please-read/

One of the reasons I work happily with codependents is that I am one myself with symptoms to a large extent worked through. However, I do have to constantly monitor my reactions to things and especially my marriage where symptoms are more likely to appear. In my work, I am different and I have found a healthy balance between helping and helping too much. This was not always the case and early in my career, I was often seen involving myself far too much. Over the years, I have learnt that the boundaries I set determine how successful the therapeutic relationship will ultimately be. In my marriage, I have to be constantly aware of my tendency to fix any real or imagined problem that I perceive to be there. This is the hardest part, standing back and allowing my wife to solve things on her own. There is a fine balance to be found but the general rule is that if she needs me, she will communicate that.

I have often said that codependency is something that needs to be managed rather than cured. It is not a disorder that can be medicated away. It is a result of childhood and relational trauma meaning that children are left with trying to form a bond and connection with adults who cannot or will not engage enough to do that, for various reasons. The child is left to overachieve and focus on a fantasy bond which follows them into adulthood with the mindset that they have to disproportionately give to get. It is a complex issue that has not been embraced by the therapy industry to a large extent but seemingly affects millions of people worldwide. People report being codependent on relationships, individuals and sometimes their work. Codependents are often workaholics who find overachieving and overwork tempting due to the fact that it brings validation from others but usually not from Self.

There are many methods available for codependent recovery, including step programs in the same ilk as AA or NA. There are individual methods put together by therapists who see the need to name codependency as an issue rather than seeing it as a symptom of something else diagnosable and treated with medication. Many of them deal with fundamentals of “self-love” asa guiding principle: While this is very important, just how do you get there? A good example exists in one of the therapy groups I facilitate. The members have come to a point of awareness of what is holding them back, where those influences comes from and what they need to do to overcome it. The missing part is the action to mostly carry it out and this is decisive.

When codependents first come into therapy, they are used to doing things a certain way for their own security. That means other’s needs first, external validation and denial of the right of the Self to exist. They have been taught by their childhood that they have to “work” for love and validation and that they don’t matter. This is often backed up by toxic shame acquired from caregivers that teaches them they are not good enough, unlovable or just wrong and bad. They believe it even though it is unlikely to be true. They were led to believe it at a vulnerable age, so it must be true. Any method that hopes to counter codependency, needs to have the aim to break this construct of thinking. So what needs to happen.

Stage 1: Awareness of Fantasy Thinking

At the start of therapy, many codependents are unaware of their issues and where and how they developed. They have formed a specific, unrealistic view of themselves based on the blueprint they have been following since childhood and are likely in, or have been in, relationships that are either abusive or unfulfilling. The first stage is to revisit the younger self and discover childhood stories in the form of the inner child, how that child felt, what happened in terms of significant events. This is done with non-dominant hand drawing, a process that works with the emotional mind and taps into locked thoughts and feelings. A psychological process known as “splitting” will often take place here. This says that the “in the moment” child is replaced by a “protective” version of themselves to help deal with issues at hand. This version is the one that often develops into adulthood.

Stage 2: Analysis of the Psyche

Once this done and a safe place has been found, an analysis of childhood protection measures can be started. Most children growing up in dysfunctional circumstances will dissociate from the present moment and develop a “not me” personality that deals with trauma. Starting off as protective measures, these develop into firm thinking “parts” that firmly dictate thinking and behavior and form an adult paradigm. In the course of a day, many of us may think, for example, “a part of me wants to do this and yet, at the same time, another part of me wants just the opposite”. Sometimes, this is felt as an inner conflict or “stuckness”.  Usually, we simply notice this conflict and override one of the arguments. In a healthy personality, there is a fluid shifting from one part to another depending on what approach is needed, what is appropriate, or what is necessary under the circumstances.  We may have difficulties with a partner, or we may feel as if something is “missing” in our life, or we may feel depressed. Most of us have, over time, become dominated by a few strong parts that “run the show” successfully. Typical parts include:

The inner Critic: A controlling voice that consolidates negative thinking about Self.

Avoidance/Escape: The basis of instant gratification and addiction and procrastination.

Guilt: Another manager voice that mirrors interaction with caregivers

Shame: A remnant of ineffective parenting.

Anger: Repressed emotions that were not allowed to be expressed.

These concepts are “personalized” by turning them into characters in an “internal family” and assessing how they have continued to protect the “child” in adult years, leading to such mental health struggles such as codependency, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and addiction.

Stage 3: The Real Self

The most important concept of the above is the formation of a “mentoring inner parental voice” that will negotiate with the inner family to release protection. This is the logical, realistic, compassionate “in the moment” voice that unites the child that was lost. At the center of this diverse collection of Parts is the Self, which we may experience as a “core self” or “true self”. The Self has two factors: “The first factor (Self Qualities) contains items relating to the experience of being “in Self”, i.e. feeling calm, balanced, worthy, connected, confident, joyful, peaceful, etc. The second factor (Self-Leadership) contains items relating to the ability to bring oneself back to balance when one has been hurt or stressed, i.e., the ability to resolve inner conflicts, to stay calm under pressure, to self-sooth, etc. The amount of “Self-energy” present can be noticed by the presence of those Self qualities. In an experience of trauma (including neglect of various degrees), certain parts take over the personality for survival purposes by assuming strong roles (a Pleaser, for instance). With a protective intention, they displace the leadership position of Self. In time, what was initially a protective measure, solidifies into patterns that are difficult to change– even though they may be clearly self-destructive. As protector parts continue to override the Self, the valuable, compassionate, internal leadership is lost. Other people may love and rely on their Pleaser part but the person who is dominated by a Pleaser may become exhausted with the demands of taking care of others by sacrificing the needs of her or his own parts.

I have found that when this kind of internal domination happens, other parts in the system lose confidence in the leadership capacity of the Self. They come to believe that the domineering parts have taken over the personality. It is as if a “coup” was staged subduing true leadership of the psyche. The dominant parts come to believe that they are, in fact, the total personality. Whenever we describe ourselves as “procrastinators” or “weak-willed” or “bossy”, or any number of critical assessments, we are identified with a primary part which believes it is “who we are”.

Stage 4: Transformation to Reality

It is important that once awareness is found that definitive action is taken. Combining aspects of coaching and behavioral change, a client will attempt to face and overcome fears.

This could include:

Setting boundaries and maintaining them.

Relationship change.

Dealing with self-esteem issues and internal conflict.

Self-care.

Dealing with addiction, codependency and eating disorders.

Stage 5: Putting It All Together

Change becomes a habit. New habits define change. I am fully convinced that once a codependent gets to this stage, it is a case of maintaining new and healthy habits and thinking patterns. This includes looking after themselves in terms of: Practicing healthy eating, sleeping, relaxation and exercise regimes.

Learning relationship values.

Codependency is a learned behavior that develops from childhood developmental trauma and a lack of connection with caregivers. This results in a never-ending quest for connection in future relationships with other people as a way to heal. These relationships are often a symptom rather than the cause of codependency and they are the vehicle that allows it to thrive. While much literature on codependency recovery focuses on behavioral change such as setting boundaries and self-care, I strongly believe that we must also go deep into the psyche and heal the root of codependency found in childhood. Once that is done, behavioral change can be implemented and much easier maintained.

By

Codependent Families & Family Roles: What’s Yours?

originally posted at: http://thewellbeingblogger.com/2021/05/12/codependent-families-family-roles-whats-yours/

Codependent families are dysfunctional families, and there is no way I can sugar coat this. Believe me, I tried to in the past, because no one really enjoys to wake up one day and realise that their most secret suspicion – something is not right about my family – is based on true facts. Please know that there are no perfect families, as there are no perfect individuals, but there are definitely families that are less psychologically healthy than others, and that can cause a great deal of trauma and negative impact on a person’s development and growth.

My family has codependency issues and this is a problem that comes from at least three generations back. And just because you can identify this problem in your own family it doesn’t mean you haven’t been affected or even display codependent tendencies on a regular basis. Once you’re born into it, it takes continued effort to heal unhealthy behavioural and relational patterns. It takes inner work and maturity to learn and accept that such tendencies have shaped who we are and how we see the world. Let’s revisit the concept of codependency first though.

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, codependency is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition. This pathological condition can go from addiction (e.g. drugs) to personality disorders (e.g. borderline personality disorder) and traits (e.g. authoritarianism). When codependency is part of a family’s psychology, there are power struggles between its members and a good amount of control and manipulation.

In codependent families, it’s not unusual to find that each member performs a certain role within the family dynamic. The role can change from time to time, depending on the family’s dynamic as a whole. Sometimes one family member may have more than one role. According to Wegscheider-Cruse, there are five different roles. Although unhealthy, these roles have a survival value and they allow family members to experience less pain and stress. Within my family, for instances, I have played different roles to reduce the cognitive dissonance that results from living and growing up within a codependent family.

Unless some sort of therapy is initiated, people have usually no idea they are living and breathing from such roles. They may experience and sense that there is something wrong with the family dynamic, but might not be able to point out exactly what, and they may even prefer to live in the delusion that everything is alright to keep the status quo. The cost of keeping these roles active is, nonetheless, very high since they are psychologically unhealthy and, if not healed, can be passed to the following generation. The roles include the enabler, the hero, the lost child, the scapegoat, and the mascot, which I will describe next.

The Enabler

The Enabler is usually the member who is emotionally closer to the person who struggles with addiction or personality imbalances. There is a clear relationship of dependence between the enabler and that person. As situations become more chaotic and less controllable over time, the enabler tends to compensate the addict/unhealthy person by trying to control and manipulate reality, because the enabler feels extremely responsible for the family and therefore must keep it together at all cost. Enablers are usually the members of a family who extend themselves beyond measure to fulfil different chores, responsibilities and both physical and emotional needs of the whole family. People who play this role are very keen on hiding their fear, hurt, anger, guilt and pain by displaying self-blame, manipulation and self-pity.

The Hero

The Hero is usually the oldest child and the person who knows more about what is going on with the family. They know the family has issues and therefore they try to improve or make things better by becoming super achievers, providers or surrogate spouses (when children are used to fulfill a parent’s emotional needs). The Hero tends to look older than he/she is because they learned they had to act responsible from a very young age in order to survive. Heroes are often keen on hiding their loneliness, hurt, confusion, unworthiness and anger by making their best to be special, competent and confident. They often develop an independent second life away from the family.

The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat is usually identified in the family as the problematic child since they are keen on finding themselves in trouble both at home and in school. This is the family member in which the other family members place their anger and frustration. By focusing its attention on the problematic child, the family keeps the illusion that everything else is alright and healthy. Their role is to create distraction from the root-problem. Unlike the Hero, the Scapegoat seeks validation not within the family but in his peer group. Scapegoats are very keen on hiding their pain and rejection feelings by withdrawing from the family, engaging in risky behaviours, acting out and displaying aggressive behaviours.

The Lost Child

The Lost Child tends to manifest withdrawing behaviours but instead of withdrawing to a peer group they withdraw into themselves. They may protect themselves by retreating to their fantasy world. They often don’t act out, like the Scapegoat does, and they don’t seek achievements as the Hero. As such, they may go invisible and don’t get much attention from the family. The Lost Child’s role is to provide relief to the family by not giving others the chance to worry about them. Lost Children are very keen on hiding their loneliness, pain and sense of inadequacy by being quiet, distant and super independent.

The Mascot

The Mascot is usually charming and pleasant. They often make others laugh and their role is to provide light entertainment. The Mascot is often the family member who knows the least about the family’s root problem and they are rarely taken seriously. Underneath their distraction attempts lies a great amount of fragility. Mascots are keen on hiding their fear, insecurity and loneliness by being hyperactive, cute and doing funny things to grab people’s attention.