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Recognizing Codependency in Our Relationships

Originally posted at: https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/relationshipsandmentalillness/2021/9/recognizing-codependency-in-our-relationships

Codependency was a term I remember hearing as a teen but didn’t understand. What is the difference between offering and relying on support from a loved one in times of need and being codependent with that person? I’ve seen people in my life slip into this unhealthy relationship pattern and I understand now just how mental illness and trauma create the perfect environment for codependency to grow.

What is Codependency?

Codependency refers to an over-reliance on someone else whether it be in a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family. It is when one person in a relationship acts as the giver or the enabler and takes on too much responsibility for the other’s needs at their own expense. The “taker” can’t function independently without the giver taking care of them. It becomes a cycle where one person needs the other and the other needs to be needed.1 Codependency is a common relationship pitfall when mental illness is involved.

People in codependent relationships don’t have healthy boundaries between themselves and others, and their identities become so enmeshed with the other that they lose their sense of individuality. According to Mental Health America, codependency can also be described as “relationship addiction.”2 When one or both people in the relationship has a mental illness, it’s all too easy to slice into codependency because there is already a reason for one person to rely too much on the other for support.3

How I Have Managed to Avoid Codependence in My Relationship

The topic of co-dependency came up between me and my partner this past week. There is a natural imbalance in our relationship because of my anxiety, and I seek more emotional support from him than he does from me. We could slip into co-dependency because of this inherent imbalance, but after eight years together, we haven’t crossed into that territory. We started to talk about what we do that protect our relationship from codependency. These are some of the things we do:

  • We have individual identities separate from our relationship. We are a unit made of two distinct individuals. We enjoy being together but we can also enjoy being apart. I have my own friends and interests and he has his.
  • We don’t need to ask each other for permission to do things without the other, nor is there any guilt involved in doing so. We tell each other about our plans out of consideration and because we want to, not because we have to.
  • He offers me support that empowers me to reach a place where I can help myself. He does not enable my self-defeating thoughts or behaviors by playing into them or trying to “rescue” me.
  • I offer him whatever support I can, even if the type of support he needs looks very different from the support I would need in the same situation.
  • He draws a clear boundary between my feelings and his which helps me when I begin to overidentify with his emotions. We don’t allow our emotions to become intertwined.
  • We communicate openly about our relationship. We feel safe bringing up concerns and stating what we need from each other. We listen to and value each other’s perspectives.

How Do You Know if Your Relationship Is Codependent?

My relationship has helped me find myself as an individual rather than lose my own identity, but I personally know many who lose themselves in their relationships or rely on a relationship to define or complete them. They also tend to struggle with the difference between co-dependency and care, support, and affection. If you are wondering whether your relationship is codependent, ask yourself these questions:

  • Who are you without this person? Can you answer this question?
  • How do you feel when you spend time apart? How do they feel?
  • Does one of you always seem to be making sacrifices for the other?
  • Do you make excuses for their actions even when you don’t agree? Do they make excuses for you?
  • Do either you or your partner use the other as their sole source of support?
  • Do you feel like you can’t function without them, or feel that they can’t function without you?

Even though the cycle of needing and being needed can feel rewarding in the short-term, codependent relationships can become abusive and make mental illness even worse by taking away your independence and identity.3

If you think your relationship might be codependent or you have these tendencies and want to avoid this type of relationship, there are plenty of resources to help. Mental health counselors can help with codependency, there is a recovery group called Codependents Anonymous, and there is information online to help you with self-reflection and building healthy habits in relationships.

For more information, check out this collection of articles on identifying, understanding, and healing from codependency. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Sources

  1. Berry, Jenniffer. What’s to Know About Codependent Relationships? Medical News Today. October 2017.
  2. Mental Health America. “Co-Dependency.” Accessed September 26, 2021.
  3. Gould, Wendy Rose. “What Is Codependency? Recognizing the Signs.” Verywell Mind. December 2020. 

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Can vs. Should

originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

Think about your middle circle behaviors. Sure, you can watch certain movies, you can go to certain places, and you can look at certain social media posts. None of those will be a breach in sobriety, and they can seem pretty harmless in the moment. 

But life doesn’t end in “the moment.”

It’s what follows that is troublesome – fantasy, euphoric recall, and lust. 

Paul addressed this directly. “I have the right to do anything, but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12).

C.S. Lewis offered good advice: “Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.”

Recovery Step: Make a list of things you can do, but you should not do.

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Values That Matter When They Matter

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/values-that-matter-when-they-matter/

We hear a lot about values and principles in the general media these days and if you believed everything you read, you might feel that we are not living our lives in the way we should. However, values are simple and they are ours to choose but what are they?

Values are guides to human behavior and they guide the way we approach our lives. In philosophy, values are crucial for ethical decision-making. In psychology, they are the core of what makes a life meaningful, moving away from short-term satisfaction to long-term fulfilment. Abraham Maslow, the groundbreaking psychologist responsible for the hierarchy of needs, also noted that they are an integral part of self-actualization. Values have a drip-down effect. They inform our beliefs, our behaviors, and our choices. Without knowing what your values are, it can be difficult to know what direction to move in. As Stephen Covey said in The 7 Habits:

The most effective way I know to begin with the end in mind is to develop a personal mission statement or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do (contributions and achievements) and on the values or principles upon which being and doing are based.

Stephen Covey

There is often confusion between values and goals. Goals are aims, values are the principles you use to reach that aim. Goals without values is like trying to drive a car without a steering wheel. Goals without values are meaningless and in my opinion, will only keep us focused on an end and the expectations we place on ourselves often mean that we are constantly striving to meet the impossible or unrealistic standards we set for ourselves. In the end, we often give up our goal because it is too hard, consolidating our thoughts about ourselves in a negative sense.

Values are a different thing and if we find our values, they determine the way we approach, think and behave in all situations we find ourselves in. They are our guide and teacher. They are realistic and even better, they are part of us.

When I ask my clients about values and what they mean to them, the question is often met with confusion or at best given a general answer that might cover many value sets.  “I want to be happy” or  “I want to be loved” are common answers. However, these types of values tend to be too general to have any effect on our daily lives. Also, what happens if you say “I value family” and need to spend a lot of time at work or “I value health” and constantly eat cake? Does this mean giving up on your values? I would say not. Important domains of our lives like family, work and our social lives are areas where we live out our values flexibly depending on the circumstances.

We often feel that our values are in conflict. We often have to make choices about where we put our time and energy and this is mostly about prioritising which value is important in any given moment. Values do not compete with each other but enrich the varied domains of our lives. If you are not sure about what your values are, I have selected a good article here that describes a way of determining what your value set might be.

Exercising Your Values:

Think about a few areas of your life that are important to you from the following list: Family, partner, work, community, self-care, creativity, spirituality, friend circle, personal growth, any other.

  • What do you care most about in these areas?
  • What actions reflect your caring?
  • How could you apply more of your values to these areas?

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Beware of Dog

A shopper entered a country store and saw a sign that read, “Beware of Dog!” Then he noticed a harmless hound dog sleeping in the middle of the floor.

The man asked the proprietor, “Is that the dog I’m supposed to beware of?”

The worker said, “Yep! That’s him!”

The shopper said, “Your dog doesn’t even move. Why the sign?”

The worker said, “I put the sign up because people kept tripping over my dog.” 

We need to watch our step, lest we trip over something we didn’t see. In recovery, it’s often the little stuff we need to watch out for. Scripture warns, “Let us throw off every sin that makes us stumble” (Hebrews 12:1).

Recovery Step: Focus on those seemingly innocent triggers over which you can take a mighty fall.

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Four Ways To Communicate Effectively With Your Partner

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/four-ways-to-communicate-effectively-with-your-partner/

Couples come into therapy for many reasons but one thing they mostly all share in common is an inability to communicate with each other effectively. Stephen Covey said in his famous book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

“When we listen with the intent to understand others, rather than with the intent to reply, we begin true communication and relationship building. Opportunities to then speak openly and to be understood come much more naturally and easily.”

Nothing could be more correct than this statement but you don’t need to be a self-help guru or read a stack of books to learn basic communication skills. If the willingness is there, it can happen and your relationship will move onto another level. A level where you can be yourself in a genuine manner, be accepted for who you are and accept that healthy boundaries are also part of a healthy communication strategy.

It is my firm belief that lack of communication between partners is just as much a relationship killer as infidelity and the like. The reasons for lack of communication skills can often be traced back to childhood and the way communication was handled in the family setting. If you had parents who never allowed the children an opinion or did not allow communication, it is hard to see this as an effective form of interaction. Even worse, if parents were the “do as I say and not as I do” type, the children would see no point in trying to communicate and would most likely internalise their issues.

In adulthood, they would believe that communication was “pointless” or even “dangerous” and might avoid telling partners how they really feel. However, without an effective communication strategy, the relationship might be doomed before it really gets going.

Communication is something we all know is necessary to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of this, many people in the heat of the moment still seem to be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. Being open to better communication and avoiding the “who is going to win” scenario keeps a relationship healthy and once a couple starts becoming more familiar with their communicating styles, they are better able to work as a team in making the best of the relationship.

The first step in achieving better communication that will really work, is to take a look at yourself first.

People always tend to turn to their partner when things are not running so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on particular situations but it is important that you take the responsibility in reviewing action and communication from you first before anything can be pointed out in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other people’s mistakes but when it comes to looking at personal communication, it is much harder to accept criticism, even from yourself because no one wants to be wrong. This is where there is a need to get real about things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each other’s perspective so that both can be on the same page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments.

Let’s look at four ways communication can be improved:

1- Be Aware Of Your Own Responsibility: Good communication starts with you and the willingness to listen and communicate effectively. Without this self awareness, one cannot expect good communication from your partner. Become aware of how you react in certain situations, take responsibility for change to make communication easier. This often means working on such issues as self-esteem, anger from the past and any lifestyle stressors you may have. Before communication, create a desire in your mind to WANT to do it. Be calm (easier if you are practicing daily meditation), pick your moment and be in the moment. Use this equation before responding or to help with triggers: Pause, Reflect, Adjust, Act. Keep the bigger picture of the positives of the relationship also in mind.

2- Listening Skills: Listening is so important… if a couple truly wishes to accomplish good communication that will improve a relationship. Is active listening happening or are one or both sides planning the next move? Listening may sound like an easy enough thing to do, but many confuse it with hearing. Hearing what your partner is saying versus listening to them are indeed very different. Listening involves true dedication and full attention to the words your partner is serving up to you, as well as the tone of voice and expressions that go along with those words. Listening means that interest is there to learn more about what the speaker is making an effort to say and making the emotional connection needed in order to achieve relationship goals together. Many couples I deal with complain of never being truly listened to where their partner listens “through the words” without judgment or defence. Some unfortunately never get to finish a sentence. What is usually happening is what is defined as “listening blocks”. Mind reading, filtering, judging, advising, daydreaming, predicting are just some of these.

3- Empathetically Get The Message Across: This is just as important as the listening part. If you listen well and then blurt out insults and defensive statements, it will hurt the process. Loud, aggressive statements might trigger a “fight or flight” response in the listener and communication is then over. Follow these five steps for effective delivery of a message:

Firstly, use “I” statements:“I feel” means that the feelings come from you and while you cannot control the reaction from another person, this method makes a good reaction more likely. Secondly, express with respect by choosing words and phrases wisely and be aware of your reactions and triggers. Thirdly, express with clarity what you need and feel. Don’t be vague or talk in generalisations. This will promote mind reading. Next, take frequent pauses to seek clarification. Many people switch off if presented with a long monologue. Lastly, thank them for listening. They will appreciate being appreciated.

4- Make Time For Effective Listening And Expression: An Empathetic Dialogue. An empathetic dialogue is the process of two people using effective listening and expression together without listening blocks, defensive attitudes, shutting down or being aggressive. To do this means practice and taking the time to practice. In our busy world, we just don’t take the time to do many essential things in our lives. We mostly like to complain and avoid rather than putting in the hard work needed. Keep in mind that an empathetic dialogue does not need to be used just to solve problems but can be used when discussing general topics and in small talk. This can bring a couple together if their relationship is waning. To quote Covey again: “Empathic listening and expression takes time and effort but it doesn’t take near as much time as it does to back up and clear up misunderstandings when you are already miles down the road: To redo, to live with unexpressed and unresolved problems as a result of not giving or being given psychological air”

If this can be achieved, instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you are dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You are listening to understand. You are focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul. Effective communication cannot happen on its own or with the efforts of only one person. Both partners have to be open and willing to work as a team on improving communication, so that both can enhance relationship skills and build a relationship where both have an understanding of who they are as individuals and what both need and want.