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“Codependency, the True Ball and Chain.”

“Codependency, the True Ball and Chain.” First, what really is codependency?  If you Google codependency you get the following definition:

noun: codependency; noun: co-dependency

  1. excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

How does a relationship go from healthy to codependent? Like all things that are unhealthy, it starts small.

Many of you might remember the Julia Robert’s movie, “Runaway Bride.”  In the movie, Julia Robert’s character is  asked by the reporter, played by Richard Gere, how she likes her eggs.  As the storyline progresses it is clear she has no idea how she likes her eggs.  In each of her previous relationships she ate her eggs exactly as her husband-to-be enjoyed THEIR eggs.

This is a Hollywood example, but it rings true, a relationship that is healthy is made up of two people, with unifying goals, not two people who stay together out of fear, low self esteem, caretaking responsibilities, addiction, etc..

Julia Robert’s character went from one relationship to the next because she was scared to pursue her own dreams, and found it easier to morph into the woman each man wanted her to be. People in codependent relationships experience a lot of dissatisfaction and anxiety because their relationship doesn’t bring joy, it is a constant tightrope of fear and bargaining.

A person married to an addict might stay because they fear that without them, the person they love might overdose, the addict stays because they feel guilty about what they are doing but can’t or won’t stop.

A few questions to ask yourself:

  1. Are you with your partner because you want to be, or because you feel stuck?

  2. Are you or your partner engaging in healthy behaviors or do you stay out of fear or pity because of addictions?

  3. Is staying in this relationship negatively affecting your mental or physical health?

If you feel that you are part of a codependent relationship, being on the site is a great step in the right direction, it is your chance to branch out from your partner, to find support, to give yourself a break and reassess.  Find your own interests and passions; find you again.  Of course this doesn’t erase the core issues that drove you to create this codependent relationship, but it will give you the space for clarity and in that space you have the ability to make changes.

All the best-
SupportGroups.com

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 57: I Get Drunk, We Stay Sober – Addiction Recovery in Community

Doug discusses the elements of community as they relate to recovery. We are stronger together, and there are elements of recovery that can only happen when we walk through them together.

Please visit castimonia.org/podcasts for more information or links to the books referenced. As always, email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org with any questions and/or comments!

Thanks for listening!

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Phishing scam known as ‘sextortion’ is using people’s real passwords to blackmail them for supposedly watching porn

Originally posted to https://www.mirror.co.uk/tech/phishing-scam-known-sextortion-using-12928730
By Jeff ParsonsTech/Science Reporter
  • 12:39, 20 JUL 2018
  • UPDATED19:41, 20 JUL 2018

Phishing scams are something every internet user has to be aware of.

It’s when a hacker attempts to get access to sensitive or financial information by disguising itself as either a trustworthy source or exploiting other personal data.

A current scam doing the rounds attempts to blackmail unsuspecting victims by claiming to already have their password and to have used it to install spying malware on their computer.

The unscrupulous scammers then claim they have recorded footage of the victim watching porn by activating their webcam when they visit these sites.

Security professionals have rounded on the scam and have highlighted the kind of message that people may expect to see landing in their inbox.

One such example, which was shared on Twitter by programmer Can Duruk , reads:

I’m aware that XXXXXXX is your password.

You don’t know me and you’re thinking why you received this e mail, right?

Well, I actually placed a malware on the porn website and guess what, you visited this web site to have fun (you know what I mean). While you were watching the video, your web browser acted as a RDP (Remote Desktop) and a keylogger which provided me access to your display screen and webcam. Right after that, my software gathered all your contacts from your Messenger, Facebook account, and email account.

What exactly did I do?

I made a split-screen video. First part recorded the video you were viewing (you’ve got a fine taste haha), and next part recorded your webcam (Yep! It’s you doing nasty things!).

What should you do?

Well, I believe, $1400 is a fair price for our little secret. You’ll make the payment via Bitcoin to the below address (if you don’t know this, search “how to buy bitcoin” in Google) .

BTC Address: 1Dvd7Wb72JBTbAcfTrxSJCZZuf4tsT8V72

(It is cAsE sensitive, so copy and paste it)

Important:

You have 24 hours in order to make the payment. (I have an unique pixel within this email message, and right now I know that you have read this email). If I don’t get the payment, I will send your video to all of your contacts including relatives, coworkers, and so forth. Nonetheless, if I do get paid, I will erase the video immidiately. If you want evidence, reply with “Yes!” and I will send your video recording to your 5 friends. This is a non-negotiable offer, so don’t waste my time and yours by replying to this email

Where this particular scam gets a bit scary is that often the password quoted at the top of the email can be a legitimate password that the victim has used in the past.

Given the number of data breaches that have occurred in recent years (Yahoo, Under Armour, Uber and Dixons Carphone to name a few) it’s highly likely cyber criminals can obtain older passwords and match them with identifiers such as email addresses.

They can then try their luck with a phishing blackmail scam that might worry anyone who happened to have visited a porn site.

Security journalist Brian Krebs highlighted the scam on his own blog, writing that it is “likely that this improved sextortion attempt is at least semi-automated: My guess is that the perpetrator has created some kind of script that draws directly from the usernames and passwords from a given data breach at a popular Web site that happened more than a decade ago, and that every victim who had their password compromised as part of that breach is getting this same email at the address used to sign up at that hacked Web site.

“I suspect that as this scam gets refined even more, perpetrators will begin using more recent and relevant passwords — and perhaps other personal data that can be found online — to convince people that the hacking threat is real.”

It’s hard to imagine quite how effective this scam could be, given the vast amounts of people that use the internet for adult entertainment.

Imagine you’ve used your computer to view such content and then you get an email. The sender claims to have hacked your computer and filmed you while you watched whatever it is.

It doesn’t matter that the pornography you’ve been viewing is completely legal, the threat to email a video of you, ahem, enjoying it to your friends and family is enough to make a hell of lot of people pay up.

So, how do you stay safe if threatened by something like this?

Don’t pay the ransom

If you receive an email like this, it’s best to ignore it. And most people will, but that doesn’t mean the scammers aren’t making a lot of money out of the sizable minority who panic and pay.

Lee Munson, security researcher for Comparitech.com, explains: “The success rate for any scam email campaign is extremely low as the vast majority of such messages get nuked by anti-spam filters and security software, yet it remains a huge problem as the cost of entry is so very low.

“Beyond believability and a false sense of urgency, the next greatest trick is to instil a sense of dread and panic, which is a massive motivating force.

“Of course, the obvious answer is for people to completely disregard such messages or report them to ActionFraud or the police but many won’t due to the nature of the content.”

Tim Ayling, director of fraud and risk intelligence at RSA Security, urges people receiving this kind of threat to stay calm and look for signs it’s not real.

“Don’t panic,” he said. “Mass-phishing emails like this are often poorly put together, and there will often be clear indicators that the email isn’t aimed at you, whether it’s badly written English, unusual formatting, or an email address that doesn’t match the address book contact, the devil really is in the detail.

“More generally, unless you know for a fact it can be trusted, avoid clicking on any links or attachments in emails; otherwise you could unwittingly install malware or ransomware on your machine.

“In this case, it was just a scare tactic in order to get a ransom, but the email could just as easily have been loaded with something nasty, which would be a much bigger problem.”

He also recommends reporting this kind of phishing attack to ActionFraud, as this will help them monitor the latest scams.

The victims

Action Fraud reports that over 110 victims have reported receiving emails like the one above – adding that having their passwords shown to them is a “nasty twist” on the traditional phishing scam.

One such victim, Chloe Salt, 26 from Derby, called the scam “shocking” and said that although she was pretty savvy when it comes to online threats, this one made her nervous.

“It made me worried that they had got hold of my old password. It was a long time ago when I used it but it made me feel nervous. How had they got that information?” she told Derbyshire Live.

“It was very threatening and obviously aimed at targeting vulnerable people or people who would fall for such a con. It went on to say that if I contacted the police then it would be a waste of time as they had covered their tracks. It’s really scary that they can get an old password but also claim to get access to your webcam.

“The police have told me that it is possible to gain access to webcams so I have been thinking and questioning what they might have filmed. But I’m sure it would have been me just sat there looking at my phone.”

Action Fraud offers advice

The organisation has therefore offered the following advice to anyone who suspects they are being targeted by a sextortion scam:

– Don’t be rushed or pressured into making a decision: paying only highlights that you’re vulnerable and that you may be targeted again. The police advise that you do not pay criminals.

– Secure it: Change your password immediately and reset it on any other accounts you’ve used the same one for. Always use a strong and separate password. Whenever possible, enable Two-Factor Authentication (2FA).

– Do not email the fraudsters back.

– Always update your anti-virus software and operating systems regularly.

– Cover your webcam when not in use.

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Responding to Relapse: Dealing With the Shame

originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-dealing-shame/

August 24, 2016 by

im was introduced earlier this week in Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions. His wife of eight years, Rachael, had been shocked to discover he’d been regularly viewing Internet porn for about two months. In all their years together, he had seemed like an upright Christian man with strong morals. After Jim had started meeting with their pastor, Paul, he’d stopped viewing Internet porn. So, Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and dismayed all over again when they learned Jim had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase pornographic material in print, instead!

Suppose, however, that Jim reports incredible shame over his behavior at this point. Suppose Jim’s experience epitomizes the definition of shame suggested by Ed Welch: Shame is “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did … You feel exposed and humiliated.”1 What kind of hope is there for someone like Jim?

Shame can facilitate or frustrate sinners’ progress

Although relapses into sinful behavior can provoke a sense of shame in people, depending on the mind-set of a person, the impact of the shame can be very different. Notice from the definition above that shame results from a global self-evaluation by a person. Shame is not a limited assessment of specific behaviors; it is a holistic assessment about one’s overall personhood. The totality of its scope makes it difficult to bear—and to change. However, central to dealing with shame is identifying the standard that was used as the basis for evaluation.

Shame might facilitate spiritual growth

Although shame is not pleasant to experience, it can be a prod for spiritual growth. In the Bible, shame can be a sign of a properly functioning conscience. If the conscience is not functioning properly, people can ignore and violate God’s law with little or no remorse. In these cases, feelings of guilt and shame are dulled or diminished. Jeremiah describes this condition with graphic clarity:

10prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.

11They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.

“Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.

12Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. (Jer. 8:10b–12a, emphasis added)

In Jeremiah’s situation, what made the priests’ and prophets’ conduct detestable was its deviation from God’s will. They had convinced themselves that their false message of peace was true and acceptable! The priests’ and prophets’ retrained consciences did not register the shame they should have experienced that could have curtailed their false teaching.

Jim’s conscience is registering his sin, and so it would appear that his shame is appropriate. Pastor Paul could capitalize on this and guide Jim further in his spiritual development to move beyond this sin. (See my article Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions for suggestions on how this could be done.)

Shame might frustrate sinners’ growth

There is another possible direction Jim’s shame might go, however. Suppose Jim returns to his pastor’s office two months after their counseling had helped him regain sexual purity and their conversation runs like this:

“Hi Jim! It’s good to see you. What can I do for you today?”

“Paul, I’m struggling again.”

“Jim, have you gotten back into porn?”

“No, not really. I mean, I do sometimes remember those images, but I haven’t gone looking for new ones. But, I just can’t believe how much I’ve hurt Rachael.”

“Has she brought this up in a recent conversation?”

“No, she hasn’t. But what kind of man must I be to have done this to her? I wasn’t raised to think any of this is acceptable. Five—ten—years ago, I never imagined I’d do this sort of thing.”

In this scenario, Jim feels defiled or stained by his past sin all over again. If left unchecked, this shame will frustrate his spiritual growth. Assuming Pastor Paul had walked him through what the Bible teaches regarding God’s readiness to forgive our sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross, what else can be said to help Jim? Here is a tactic Jim’s pastor might use with him.

Defiling shame is cleansed by the blood of Jesus

Pastor Paul might help Jim see there is a subtle pride at work. Jim always had considered himself above this type of sin. Now that he knows he is not, his image of himself is shattered. This has produced a nagging sense of uncertainty for him. But Jim must learn to rest in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice for his cleansing.2 No one can ask for anything more, because God says nothing more is needed. “For by one sacrifice he [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Heb. 10:14; see also Heb. 9:14).

A good illustration of this sufficient cleansing power is found in the Apostle Paul’s experience. Like Jim, Paul—as Saul, the Pharisee—thought of himself in positive terms, which he rehearses in Philippians 3:5–6: “Circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” He expands on his zeal for persecuting the church in Galatians 1:13: “I persecuted the church of God [whom he thought he was serving!] and tried to destroy it.” Then, his encounter with the risen Christ forced him to see how wrong and self-deceived he was.

Later in his life he recounted again what he had been like as a non-Christian, yet in even more unflattering terms: “I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man” (1 Tim. 1:13). Recognizing this, Paul was overwhelmed with how God blessed him through Jesus (see v. 14). Here is the bottom line for Jim: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.3 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (vv. 15–16 ESV, emphasis added).

Jim can be reminded that if the Apostle Paul could be cleansed and be used by God as he was, then Jim has no reason to view himself any differently. In fact, Jim should find himself echoing the exuberant praise of the Apostle: “Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (v. 17). His Lord deserves nothing less, because Jim deserved nothing more.4

Dr. Jeff Forrey
Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).

Footnotes:
  1. Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012), Kindle edition, chap.
  2. Our redemption can be described by different terms because of its varied effects on us. If Pastor Paul emphasized the element of “forgiveness” (a legal term) in the past, then Jim might benefit from thinking about another element, “cleansing,” which is especially pertinent for dealing with shame, which is readily described as “feeling dirty or defiled.”
  3. Foremost, or the KJV’s chief of sinners, most effectively conveys the idea that Paul saw himself as especially deserving of God’s wrath, not because his sins were any worse than others, but because he led the charge in trying to undo what God was doing through Christ. He was the “foremost” because he was “at the front of the line,” so to speak.
  4. Pastor Paul also could point Jim to the woman at the well in John 4. Or he might point Jim to the one time prostitute, Rahab, mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. These women’s experiences should reinforce for Jim: “Where sin increased”—even sexual sin, even Jim’s sexual sin—“God’s grace increased all the more” (Rom. 5:20).