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Withholding Sex Is a Form of Psychological Abuse

Originally posted at: https://gentlepathmeadows.wordpress.com/2016/08/20/withholding-sex-is-a-form-of-psychological-abuse

by Gentle Path at The Meadows

Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT, CST is a Senior Fellow at Gentle Path at The Meadows. The following is an excerpt from her book “Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence.” You can find it at www.TheMeadowsBookstore.com or on www.Amazon.com.

Withholding love or sex is psychological abuse and results from early trauma. Withholding is altogether different from not having sex or not reciprocating love. People don’t have sex for many reasons. They might be traumatized. They might suffer from sexual dysfunction. They might be practicing self-care and setting appropriate boundaries for them. They might even be engaging in the political act of a sex strike in an effort to enact social change. There are equally many reasons why people might not reciprocate love. But to withhold sex or love as a punishment is a different matter altogether, and is always the result of learned emotional or mental abuse. Manipulating loved ones might appear to be a thought-out strategy, but it’s always compulsive.

Withholding exemplifies how deeply we hurt ourselves when we try to hurt others, and how deeply hurt so many of us have been. The phrase, “This hurts me more than it hurts you” (commonly uttered before corporeal punishment), is actually true. A caregiver doling out physical pain literally experiences the punishment along with the person they are hurting. Unfortunately s/he is also reinforcing a psychological pattern that brings psychic agony and isolation. Likewise, those who purposefully withhold love or sex certainly feel the pain of isolation from their actions.

Like any addiction or compulsion, such habitual behavior doesn’t just disappear. Because withholding is often masked in denial, it can be difficult to confront. Withholding is a very human quality; most of us at one time have given and received “the silent treatment.” Since most solutions to human troubles involve caring, attention, and love, to withhold means to deny solutions. Such withholding is probably a leading factor in many personal, social, and global conflicts.

Help for Sex Addiction and Intimacy Issues

If you’re a man who’s struggling with sexual compulsions or intimacy issues, the Rio Retreat Center at The Meadows offers 5-day workshops which may help you break free from self destructive behaviors and strengthen your relationship with your partner or spouse. The Men’s Sexual Recovery Workshop helps participants to address sexual obsessions and compulsions, broaden their views about sexuality, maintain positive relationships and avoid the harmful patterns of the past.

In A Man’s Way™ Retreat you learn how The Man Rules™ affect all your relationships with others and yourself. You will also look at how past experiences affect your ability to be present in your relationships and stand as a healthy man in the space you have created for your life.

And, for those who need a more comprehensive treatment experience for complex sexual addiction and intimacy issues, The Meadows Outpatient Center offers a Sex Addiction Intensive Outpatient Program, and Gentle Path at the Meadows offers a 45-day inpatient treatment program based on the work of world-renowned expert Dr. Patrick Carnes, who is also a Senior Fellow at The Meadows.

For more information on these programs and many others call The Meadows at 800-244-4949.

 

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Toddler Tears

by jrmybennett

Last night I went to another meeting last night. It was a much more of an intimate venue and more comfortable setting. During the meeting everyone was sharing stories of their past. I decided it was time I shared a bit about myself. As I began to relate my story of my addiction, how I have let everyone I love down, how I don’t remember who I am anymore, how I hate the person I see in the mirror I began to cry….

This wasn’t a manly single tear down the face cry but a full on snot bubbling sob. I was crying like a three year old who had just dropped their popsicle in the sand. It felt good to let all that emotion go in a room full of strangers, to feel unencumbered by people’s preconceived notions. While I was speaking a rough looking man got up and left the room, I assumed I had sickened him with my display. He had declined to speak earlier but when he returned he addressed me directly and began to cry himself. He said he remembered what it was like to be in my shoes. How I had taken the first steps and recovery is possible. I hope to god he’s right.

I start “real” counseling on the 29th. I can’t wait and I’m ready to do this once and for all. I pray that the ones I have hurt and betrayed the most someday forgive me. I know I have a long road ahead of me but every journey begins with a single step.

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Different effects of stress on the brains of men and women related to empathy

originally posted at: http://www.psypost.org/2016/07/different-effects-stress-brains-men-women-related-empathy-43688

BY  ON JULY 6, 2016

The different effects of social stress on the brains of men and women are related to their response to empathy for pain, according to a study published this July in the International Journal of Psychophysiology. The study provides evidence that each sex may engage in distinct mechanisms to cope with stress.

Empathy is an essential aspect of social functioning. It allows people to build an understanding and mental representation of other peoples’ emotions and feelings. Research suggests that the brain mechanisms involved in how people empathize with others in painful circumstances involve two distinct responses. Firstly, there is an early emotional response seen in front-central regions of the brain; and secondly, there is a later cognitive evaluation, over the parietal area, where attention is either directed towards or away from stimuli.

As humans are a highly social species and face social stress on a regular basis, it can be expected that stress affects how people react to their environment. Therefore, the extent to which someone empathizes with another in pain is thought to be influenced by social stress.

Within this area, it has been proposed that men and women are distinctively affected by social stress. Men supposedly become more self-oriented, engaging in “fight or flight” behavior, whilst women react by creating and caring for social networks.

The study, led by Cristina Gonzalez-Liencres of Ruhr-University Bochum, involved 60 healthy participants (30 women and 30 men), half of which were exposed to short-term social stress. To measure empathy, researchers recorded the electroencephalography (EEG: which detects electrical brain activity) of the participants, while they observed photographs of hands in painful and neutral situations. Participants also had to fill in an assessment of their empathy in response to the photos and had their cortisol response to stress measured (via saliva samples).

Results revealed that different effects of social stress on the brains of men and women were related to their response to the pain empathy task. The late brain activity, associated with cognitive evaluation, was uniquely associated with a change in cortisol in stressed males. This was despite similar empathy ratings reported by all participants. This suggests that men used more cognitive processes in response to social stress and provides evidence that each sex may engage in distinct mechanisms to cope with stress.

The findings are useful to help understand the unique effects of social stress in men and women, as well as for the separate mechanisms that each sex undertakes to cope with socially stressful situations. This may be useful for understanding psychopathological conditions which are influenced by high levels of social stress.

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5 Signs of True Repentance in an Addict

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/5-signs-true-repentance-addict/

August 18, 2016 by

When I’m counseling and establishing goals for somebody who’s struggling with a drug addiction, or has in the past and is now clean, I really keep it simple. There are just five fruits of repentance that I look for. They’re based on Matthew 22:37–40 (ESV), which says: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

I want those people struggling with addiction to love God with all their heart, all their soul, and all their mind, because they have loved their idolatrous pleasure—the object of their addiction—with all their heart, with all their soul, and with all their mind. So now it’s all about transferring that great passion—that passionate commitment to the idolatrous pleasure—and transferring it to the Lord.

1. Is there humility?

The first thing I look for is humility, which shows they’re not feeling like they are entitled or that they deserve more. Instead, they need to think about what they have been given. They’ve been entrusted by God with the treasure of life and of living for Him. One of the problems with some of the current Christian addiction programs is that some of them really just foster living for self, even though the addicts have technically “recovered” or “achieved sobriety.” They might not be doing drugs anymore, but they are still just living for self.

I do want them clean and sober, but that’s not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is for them to live for the glory of God and to become more like Jesus Christ. We’ve got to get them to love God—and to love God with reckless abandon. Ironically, they did that very well with their idolatrous drug of choice. Now they’ve got to do it for Jesus. Many are sort of committed to God, but they’re not all the way committed. They don’t want to pour out all their alcohol. They keep a little stash somewhere. And so, you’re helping them to live in a humble way, in dependence upon God.

2. Is there a willingness to serve others?

The second part of that passage is “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The addicted person really does love him- or herself. It may not look like it. It may look like self-loathing. It may look like self-pity, but even that translates into, “I deserve better than what I’m getting.” And so, you’ve got to get addicted people out of themselves, loving their neighbors, by finding ways for them to serve.

I find that people who have struggled with addictions have great gifts. They might not be the most organized people. They might not be the people you would pick to be Bible study teachers. But they can greet people. They can serve on different projects, perhaps doing outreach or another aspect of service. If I can get them loving other people and serving other people, then that is a win. The focus is not turned inward where they’re looking at themselves morbidly, but they’re looking outward at, Whom can I serve? They will need to be forewarned, however: they’re going to have to fight that temptation to go back to pleasing self and living for self.

The last three fruits of repentance are from Ephesians 5:18–21 (ESV), one of the quintessential passages for addiction. That passage says,

    And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
3. Is there a growing sense of responsibility for oneself?

Out of those verses there are three fruits that I really want to see. One is that they’re responsible—that they’re taking ownership for their lives. Too often people who habitually get drunk with wine think like victims. They might have been victimized. But, beyond that, they’ve learned to think about life as though they’re just a pinball, bounced around in the pinball machine. They feel like everyone is hard on them; they’ve been dealt a bad hand, that kind of thing. Thinking change is beyond their control, they do not take steps to change what’s going on in their lives. I often see such a victim mentality, and I want to combat it with one of being responsible and obedient to Christ. When I see someone who’s taking responsibility and not blame-shifting, not trying to play a victim card, then I know that person is doing well. That person is being transformed and is living in a different way than when he or she was addicted and living in idolatry.

4. Is there an attitude of thankfulness?

The next fruit I look for is being grateful. I find that people caught in addictions tend to have a “woe is me” mentality. However, if all they see is themselves and what they want, then they miss all the blessings that God is giving them. I think that’s a big part of what trips up addicts. So I want to help them cultivate a grateful heart.

5. Is there a submissive spirit?

The final fruit I look for is submission. Fools and rebels may be very bright intellectually, but they’re living in a way that’s against God’s Word. It’s foolish to do that. On the flip side, wise people might not be the most intelligent, but they’re obedient and submissive. That’s what I’m looking for. I’m looking for someone who says, “I don’t have all the answers. I can’t do this myself. I need God. I need the church. I need the body of Christ to help me.” Those are the things I’m really pushing for and listening for.

Dr. Mark Shaw

Dr. Mark Shaw is executive director of Vision of Hope, a ministry of Faith Baptist Church in Lafayette, IN, (http://www.faithlafayette.org/voh). He is an ordained minister, certified alcohol and drug abuse counselor, and certified biblical counselor. He has over two decades of experience working with addicts in both secular and Christian programs.

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4 Myths About the Wives of Porn Addicts

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/4-myths-wives-porn-addicts/

August 16, 2016 by

The world finds lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography not only acceptable, but something to be elevated and encouraged, because they’ve embraced the belief that if anyone is being hurt, it’s only the person looking at porn. This is a lie. A wife is part of the collateral damage that’s resulted from her husband’s addiction.

There are four misconceptions that many hold about pornography addiction and the betrayed wife. Being aware of these myths will help you improve your counseling strategy to these women.

Myth 1: “She’s handling it well”

It’s likely you don’t have to search your memory very far back to recall the last wife who sat in your office talking about her husband’s addiction to pornography. I’d like to tell you what she probably didn’t say in that counseling session.

She didn’t tell you that while she appreciates the help her husband is getting, inside she’s screaming, “What about me? I didn’t choose this! He broke my heart for porn!”

She didn’t tell you her husband’s “secret sin” has now become her own dirty little secret. Fear of judgment and additional repercussions for her and her family prevent her from sharing her pain with others.

She didn’t tell you that she blames herself—that when her husband turns to images of other women to meet his sexual needs, she believes there must be something wrong with her. She feels rejected and inadequate. She also feels responsible to fix this somehow.

She probably didn’t tell you that she is afraid. She’s afraid that …

  • Being close to her husband will never feel safe again and that she’ll throw up if he tries to touch her.
  • If she lets her guard down, he will hurt her again, so she acts like the porn police.
  • Her husband will choose to continue in his sin and not seek healing.
  • Recurrence and deception will leave her looking like a gullible idiot.
  • She’ll never trust the man she married because lies have been the backbone supporting the pornography addiction in her marriage.

Though the fabric of her life may feel like it’s unraveling, she needs assurance that God is able to meet her in the center of her pain and that there is always hope in Jesus. He will comfort her in her grief, and He will be her strength in this battle. This is not the matrimonial trip of a lifetime that she had planned. In fact, much has been lost. She needs you to give her opportunities to name and grieve those losses. Some of those losses may be obvious (financial security, employment, health), while others may be less tangible, like trust, respect, and self-worth.

When I say “grieve” those losses, I mean grieve. Hand her a box of tissues and assure her that our God is big enough to handle her tears, then listen. This isn’t the time for well-intended, but unhelpful, spiritual platitudes. She longs to hear that she’s not alone and that though you don’t have all the answers, you’re so glad she told you the truth about what’s going on. I’ve learned that we can only praise God to the degree we have lamented. Once she’s grieved her losses, she’s in a better position to set aside her own agenda and accept the path God has set for her for this time.

Myth 2: If she’d been sexually available and kept her figure, the husband wouldn’t have turned to porn

No wife is to blame for her husband’s addiction to pornography. Each of us bears the responsibility for our own choices. She needs to hear that she can’t control her husband’s choices, nor can she do anything to fix this for him. She can only take care of her business with Christ, live according to God’s Word, and work with you (a counselor or pastor) on her damaged heart.

During the initial stages of ministry to the wife of a porn addict, a wife must be assured that her husband’s enslavement to pornography is his responsibility. It is not her fault. She should never be led to think that his addiction has to do with her appearance, her bedroom performance, or her availability.

This does not mean that the wife is perfect. Later in the healing process—after she has had ample time (months, not weeks) to reveal her heart, grieve the layers of losses, become part of a support network, and understand that God is able to handle this—you can help the wife engage in some constructive, self-examination to determine if there’s some things that she has done to contribute to his addiction. She might consider her reactions to his current progress and current choices, whether she’s withdrawing emotionally, if she’s using past sins against him, etc. But foremost, she must understand that her husband’s choice to view pornography is not about her.

Myth 3: If the husband stops using porn, she should magically be “over it”

Just because the habit is over, doesn’t mean the havoc is over.

Trust is an asset we don’t fully appreciate until we don’t have it in a relationship. Before she was aware of her husband’s addiction, she probably didn’t give trust a second thought. Since the discovery and the awareness that lies had covered up her ability to see what he was doing in the past, now she conjures up countless possibilities in her mind every time her husband walks out the door.

Let’s consider for a moment what possessed her husband to lie in the first place. He lied because …

  • He could, and for a time, it worked.
  • He was self-deceived.
  • He hoped to avoid conflict with her.
  • He feared the consequences of her knowing the truth.
  • He feared the possibility of not being able to “have it all”—have both her and the outside sexual opportunities.

Ultimately, it backfired. Lies are a tool of the devil because they kill trust.

Trust will either be built or destroyed in the countless choices the wife and her husband make moment by moment. His behaviors will become her trust barometer. If he wants to demonstrate his trustworthiness, and he is making right choices, he will have no problem being accountable and undergoing a reasonable degree of scrutiny. If, however, he insists that she should simply “get over it” and take his word that he’s “done doing that,” and he resists accountability, she needs to be cautious about trusting. This is a direct indication that he is not serious about healing from his addiction and restoring trust in their marriage.

Myth 4: It’s enough for her to understand the addiction and her role in recovery

Understanding her husband’s history with pornography, what triggers her husband’s behavior, and what he’s looking for from porn is helpful to know, but it’s insufficient. While it’s absolutely necessary for there to be a focus on the husband’s habit, the unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife. She has a deeply wounded heart that also requires attention if there is hope of a restored marriage.

The unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife.

  • Offer a support group for wives in your church. A healthy support group—whether facilitated by a therapist, a lay leader, or another wife who has navigated her own journey of a broken heart—provides a place of encouragement and empathy while maintaining confidentiality. I’ve recently written a leader’s guide for those who want to offer a support group for wives, to be used with my book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart. You can access that guide here.
  • Point wives to an online support group for wives. While I am quick to point people toward pastoral and professional counseling, I also know that there’s something special and safe about a support group led by a woman who is able to say, “I know what it’s like in your shoes because I’ve walked in them. I also know what it’s like to stand victorious and have a restored heart after pornography, and I’m here to walk with you through the mess.” This is why I offer a small, confidential, online support group for wives through my ministry. I hope you’ll offer something in your church, but if you can’t, please share my online support group with the hurting wives in your church. They can access that group here.

When you’re meeting with the wife of a man with a porn sin issue, assure her that her broken heart matters, then help her build a small tribe of safe support.

Help her build a small tribe of safe support.

Conclusion

Heart healing needs to come first. It is beautiful when a wife can take the broken pieces of her heart and make them available to the Master Restorer, who will take those pieces and make something stunning. Psalm 147:3 (ESV) assures us that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” When her heart is whole, she is then in the perfect position to contribute to an environment of healing in her marriage.

Sam Hodges and Kathy Leonard provide additional tips on ministering to a betrayed wife in “My Husband Is Having Online Affairs. Help Me, Pastor!” where they share the story of Sarah, whose husband engaged in online pornography and cybersex.

Vicki Tiede

Vicki Tiede, MEd, MMin, is a Bible teacher, conference speaker, and author. Vicki is uniquely qualified to minister to women whose husbands are addicted to pornography because of her own experience of being that wife in her first marriage. Vicki has written Your Husband is Addicted to Porn (mini-book) and When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart in addition to writing and contributing to six other books. Through her ministry, Vicki offers online, video-conferencing support groups for wives. You can find further resources at www.vickitiede.com or follow her blog at www.vickitiede.com/blog.