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The God Who Stoops… And Stands

“Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ — ‘No, Lord,’ she said. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.'” (John 8:10-11 NLT)

Condemnation – the preferred commodity of Satan. He will repeat the adulterous woman scenario as often as you permit him to do so, marching you through the city streets and dragging your name through the mud. He pushes you into the center of the crowd and megaphones your sin:

This person was caught in the act of immorality … stupidity … dishonesty … irresponsibility.

But he will not have the last word. Jesus has acted on your behalf.

He stooped. Low enough to sleep in a manger, work in a carpentry shop, sleep in a fishing boat. Low enough to rub shoulders with crooks and lepers. Low enough to be spat upon, slapped, nailed, and speared. Low. Low enough to be buried.

And then he stood. Up from the slab of death. Upright in Joseph’s tomb and right in Satan’s face. Tall. High. He stood up for the woman and silenced her accusers, and he does the same for you.

He “is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us” (Rom. 8:34 MSG). Let this sink in for a moment. In the presence of God, in defiance of Satan, Jesus Christ rises to your defense. He takes on the role of a priest. “Since we have a great priest over God’s house, let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience” (Heb. 10:21–22 NCV).

A clean conscience. A clean record. A clean heart. Free from accusation. Free from condemnation. Not just for our past mistakes but also for our future ones.

“Since he will live forever, he will always be there to remind God that he has paid for [our] sins with his blood” (Heb. 7:25 TLB). Christ offers unending intercession on your behalf.

Jesus trumps the devil’s guilt with words of GRACE.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Next Door Savior.

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Why did God allow Solomon to have 1,000 wives and concubines?

Originally posted at: https://altruistico.wordpress.com/2017/05/16/why-did-god-allow-solomon-to-have-1000-wives-and-concubines/

  First Kings 11:3 states that Solomon “had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines.” Obviously, God “allowed” Solomon to have these wives, but allowance is not the same as approval. Solomon’s marital decisions were in direct violation of God’s Law, and there were consequences.

Solomon started out well early in his life, listening to the counsel of his father, David, as recorded in 1 Kings 2:2-3, “Be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go.” Solomon’s early humility is shown in 1 Kings 3:5-9 when he requests wisdom from the Lord. Wisdom is applied knowledge; it helps us make decisions that honor the Lord and agree with the Scriptures. Solomon’s book of Proverbs is filled with practical counsel on how to follow the Lord. Solomon also wrote the Song of Solomon, which presents a beautiful picture of what God intends marriage to be. So, King Solomon knew what was right, even if he didn’t always follow the right path.

Over time, Solomon forgot his own counsel and the wisdom of Scripture. God had given clear instructions for anyone who would be king: no amassing of horses, no multiplying of wives, and no accumulating of silver and gold (Deuteronomy 17:14-20). These commands were designed to prevent the king from trusting in military might, following foreign gods, and relying on wealth instead of on God. Any survey of Solomon’s life will show that he broke all three of these divine prohibitions!

Thus, Solomon’s taking of many wives and concubines was in direct violation of God’s Word. Just as God had predicted, “As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God” (1 Kings 11:4). To please his wives, Solomon even got involved in sacrificing to Milcom (or Molech), a god that required “detestable” acts to be performed (1 Kings 11:7-8).

God allowed Solomon to make the choice to disobey, but Solomon’s choice brought inevitable consequences. “So the Lord said to Solomon, ‘Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates’” (1 Kings 11:11). God showed mercy to Solomon for David’s sake (verse 12), but Solomon’s kingdom was eventually divided. Another chastisement upon Solomon was war with the Edomites and Aramians (verses 14-25).

Solomon was not a puppet king. God did not force him to do what was right. Rather, God laid out His will, blessed Solomon with wisdom, and expected the king to obey. In his later years, Solomon chose to disobey, and he was held accountable for his decisions.

It is instructive that, toward the end of Solomon’s life, God used him to write one more book, which we find in the Bible. The book of Ecclesiastes gives us “the rest of the story.” Solomon throughout the book tells us everything he tried in order to find fulfillment apart from God in this world, or “under the sun.” This is his own testimony: “I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired . . . a harem as well–the delights of the heart of man” (Ecclesiastes 2:8). But his harem did not bring happiness. Instead, “Everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun” (verse 11). At the conclusion of Ecclesiastes, we find wise counsel: “Here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man” (12:13).”

It is never God’s will that anyone sin, but He does allow us to make our own choices. The story of Solomon is a powerful lesson for us that it does not pay to disobey. It is not enough to start well; we must seek God’s grace to finish well, too. Life without God is a dead-end street. Solomon thought that having 1,000 wives and concubines would provide happiness, but whatever pleasure he derived was not worth the price he paid. As a wiser Solomon said, “God will bring every deed into judgment” (Ecclesiastes 12:14).

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5 Ways to Deal with Your Past

SOURCE:  Ron Edmondson

I’m a huge proponent of moving forward. I’ve never been a fan of remaining in the past.

This could be because I’ve had some past I’d rather not remember.

It could be because I am very forward-thinking.

Either way, and it’s probably the first, I’d prefer to reconcile the past, make the most of it, and get on with my life.

Bottom line, however, is that there are really a few choices when it comes to dealing with your past.

Here are 5 ways to deal with your past:

Forget it – If you choose to and you are really skilled, you can block all memory of the past from your mind. In extreme settings, I have seen people do this naturally, but I must admit, it’s rare. And, because I believe we learn from mistakes, I wouldn’t even recommend it.

Misuse it – You can twist the past for your benefit – gain sympathy, make people feel sorry for you, and use it as a personal advantage. You could be a martyr. The people who choose this option, in my experience, are usually as phony as the story they share. It’s often hard to trust them.

Ignore it – You can pretend your past never happened. You can make up your own version of your past, make it prettier and live in a false reality. With the people I’ve seen do this it seems you never really know the true person behind the stories they tell. They are always hiding a part of themselves.

Excuse it – You can blame every bad decision you ever made on someone else or every future mistake you make on your past. After all, it was “his” fault”, right? I’ve known people with this excuse who never own up to responsibility – and they always seem to find a reason for not doing so. They never take ownership of their actions.

Use it – In my humble opinion, as one with plenty of brokenness in my story, the best way to deal with your past is to use it for a greater good. How could your story benefit someone else? How could God use your brokenness to bless others? What have you learned, which others need to hear? Let your past help build your — or someone else’s — brighter future.

I’m not pretending this will be easy. It will probably involve hard decisions and choices such as forgiveness, confession, and being vulnerable with people. But, the reward for allowing God to use your past for a greater good and being freed from the weight of your past will be worth it.

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How Do You Diagnose a Sex Addict?

By Jon Jore, M.A.

New evidence points towards growing agreement among researchers on how to diagnose sexual addiction. For many years, disagreements have existed among researchers and clinicians concerning the essential components that define disorders related to problematic or out-of-control sexual behaviors. For instance, what exact symptoms must a person experience to qualify for a diagnosis of sexual addiction? In order to distinguish between people with or without disorders, clinicians need clear indicators of symptoms and consequences of the given disorder.

The Competing Models of Out-of-Control Sexual Behaviors

Whenever a new phenomena or illness is discovered, whether it be a medical or mental health problem, the waters are initially often muddy. Substantial research and experimental treatments are needed to clarify the precise nature of the disorder or disease.

In the case of out-of-control sexual behaviors, researchers have largely fallen into one of four camps:

  1. The out-of-control sexual behaviors are indicative of an addictive disorder (like substance abuse addictions),
  2. The behaviors are indicative of a hypersexual disorder (excessive sexual behaviors/output in a given time period),
  3.  The behaviors are indicative of an impulse-control disorder (impulsivity-driven sexual behaviors), or
  4. The behaviors are indicative of a compulsive disorder (compulsive sexual behaviors, perhaps a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD).

Similar to many other mental disorders and addictions preceding it, when first presented to the medical and mental health communities, sex addiction as a concept was greeted with a great deal of skepticism. The existence of four competing models has made it difficult to present a unified, cohesive body of evidence supporting the existence of an out-of-control sexual behavior disorder. Recently, hypersexual disorder was proposed for inclusion in the American Psychiatric Association’s new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is used by mental health providers to diagnose patients.

Sexual Disorders and the DSM-5

While hypersexual disorder was not included in the first publication of the DSM-5, the substance disorders section of the manual was significantly restructured, so now, substance use and pathological gambling disorders are included under the new heading of Addiction and Related Disorders. Also, Internet Gaming Disorder was identified for future research.

These structural changes in the DSM-5 suggest a growing recognition of the many parallels between behavioral addictions and chemical addictions. Additionally, sexual addiction was recently officially recognized by the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) as a legitimate addiction. Now, agreement on a set of diagnostic criteria may continue to legitimize sexual addiction as a valid mental health issue with serious personal and societal consequences.

Consistencies Emerge Among Four Diagnostic Models

A seminal article was recently published in the Journal of Addiction Medicine called “Clinical Relevance of the Proposed Sexual Addiction Diagnostic Criteria: Relation to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test-Revised” (Carnes, Hopkins & Green, 2014). This article compared various diagnostic models that have been proposed over the years by researchers from the sex addiction, hypersexuality, and sexual compulsivity perspectives. Interestingly, despite controversy over what to call the disorder, several key consistencies emerged when comparing the existing sets of diagnostic criteria.

The most common consistencies relate to continuation of sexual behavior despite problems or adverse consequences, engagement in sexual behaviors during time allotted for other obligations, and ineffective attempts to limit or control certain sexual behaviors The authors conclude that the following diagnostic criteria, first proposed by Carnes (2005), have considerable overlap with criteria proposed by researchers from the hypersexual and sexual compulsivity perspectives:

  1. Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist sexual impulses to engage in specific sexual behaviors
  2. Engaged in sexual behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period than intended
  3. Long-standing desire, or a history of unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce, or control sexual behaviors.
  4. Spent excessive time obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experiences
  5. Obsessed with preparing for sexual activities
  6. Frequently engaged in sexual behavior when expected to be fulfilling occupational, academic, domestic, or social obligations
  7. Continued sexual behavior despite knowing it has caused or exacerbated social, financial, psychological, or physical problems
  8. Increased the intensity, frequency, number, or risk of sexual behaviors to achieve the desired effect, or experience diminished effect when continuing behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
  9. Given up or limited social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior
  10. Become upset, anxious, restless, or irritable if unable to engage in sexual behavior.

Like most mental health diagnoses, they recommend that diagnosis not be given if the out of control sexual behavior symptoms are primarily related to a medical condition, a psychological condition, a medication/substance of abuse, or a manic episode.

Sex Addiction as a Diagnosable Disorder

What do these findings mean for the future of sex addiction as a diagnosable disorder? These authors suggest that there is more agreement than disagreement in the field concerning what criteria constitute problematic sexual behaviors or sexual addiction. The proposed criteria are highly endorsed by people seeking treatment for sexual addiction and, thus, appear to be relevant indicators of a serious and destructive pattern of sexual behavior, whether it is called sexual addiction, hypersexuality, or sexual compulsivity.

The empirical evidence is slowly building to support sexual addiction as a mental disorder. If it is recognized as a mental disorder, treatment for sexual addiction would likely become more affordable and accessible to greater numbers of people who are currently experiencing debilitating consequences related to their out-of-control sexual behaviors.

Gentle Path at the Meadows is committed to continue pioneering research in this area to maintain our cutting-edge, scientifically-supported, world-class treatment for sexual addiction.

Proposed Criteria for SA

References:
Carnes, P. J., Sexual addiction. In: Sadock, B. J., Sadock, V. A., eds. Kaplan & Sadock’s Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry, Volume I. 8th ed. New York, NY: Lippincott, Williams, & Wilkins: A Wolters Kluwer Company, 2005: 1991-2001.
Carnes, P. J., Hopkins, T. A., & Green, B. A. (2014). Clinical relevance of the proposed sexual addiction diagnostic criteria: Relation to the Sexual Addiction Screening Test-Revised. Journal of Addiction Medicine, 8(6), 450-461. doi:10.1097/ADM.0000000000000080

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How Finding out About a Spouse’s Affair is Like a Death

Originally posted at: https://drlorischade.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/how-finding-out-about-a-spouses-affair-is-like-a-death/

Tears.  Lots of them.  “I am just so tired of hurting.  I want the pain to go away.”  As usual, my heart was breaking for the spouse sitting across from me who had recently discovered that her partner had an extramarital affair.  Like many spouses before, she declared, “Of all the things I thought I knew in the world, I was certain that my spouse would never in a million years be unfaithful and now I don’t know which way is up.  I can’t count on anything anymore.  All my safety is just completely washed away.”  “I am so sorry that this is so painful,” I offered, “I wish I could make that better for you—I really do, but the truth is that it is going to hurt for a long time.  Eventually, it won’t hurt as much, but when I say eventually, I mean that a year is short in affair healing time.”  Even though I’ve been doing therapy for a long time, the emotions still impact me.

I hate seeing people in pain.  I feel things deeply and enduringly, which is what drew me to the therapeutic profession.  I wanted to alleviate emotional suffering for people.  However, there are certain types of pain which need to be healed over the course of time, and sometimes tender emotional scars never go away.  Some of the deepest emotional pain I witness occurs in cases of grief and loss in which relationships with people are ended or intensely damaged.  The loss of human relationships through death, divorce or other means just hurts.  A lot.

Infidelity and Intense Grief

In cases of betrayal, sometimes people don’t understand the principles of grief and loss that are at play which complicate recovery.  Here is a typical presentation I’ll encounter maybe three months after the disclosure of an affair:

Betrayed partner:  “He couldn’t understand why I was still crying about the affair, and I tried to explain that it still hurts and he just got mad and asked why I couldn’t see that he was sorry and just focus on our future.  I don’t know why it’s still hurting so bad.  I’m embarrassed that it is still making me cry.  I don’t want to make him mad, but it hurts.”

Oh dear.

People who have betrayed their spouses don’t like to witness the pain they have caused because it makes them feel shame, which is uncomfortable.  They also commonly feel fear that this might be the emotional episode in which the spouse decides to leave.  Frequently, they get defensive and upset with their spouses for not healing fast enough.  Men in particular, as a general rule, have an aversion to tears and emotional pain resulting from something they have done in relationships.  They want to run from it, regardless of the cause or validity of the emotion.  They feel almost panicky and search for ways to “fix,” the emotion, which means make it stop.  I think it’s because they get so socialized out of feeling vulnerable emotion themselves that they literally have no idea what to do with it when their spouses display strong vulnerable emotion, at least in many instances.

How Infidelity is a Loss Issue

In cases like these, I normalize the intensity of emotional pain for both partners, but also try to help them understand the deep grief.  I have explained to many husbands, “This is a loss issue, and loss is always painful.”  “What do you mean loss?  I’m still here.  Why can’t she see that I’m trying to fix it and I’m sorry,” the husbands fire back.  I’ll explain, “She can see you, but first of all, she has no idea who you really are because you’re not who she thought you were, so she needs time and safe experiences with you to be able to even think about trusting you.  Second of all, she is still grieving the marriage she thought she had but doesn’t have and will never get back—the marriage in which her partner stayed faithful to her.  She married you with that expectation and has lost that dream.  She needs time to be sad over losing that marriage.”

When I explain this, partners can be a little more tolerant of the deep expression of emotions.  However, for some reason when it comes to emotional injuries, we want people to be better faster than is reasonable to expect—mostly because we don’t like feeling our own uncomfortable emotions when seeing emotional pain.

Physical Pain as a Metaphor for Emotional Pain

Sometimes if I compare the wound of infidelity to a physical injury, partners understand a little better.  “What if you had run over her with your car and she ended up in a body cast?  Would you be getting upset that she wasn’t walking in a week?  No, you wouldn’t, because you would know that the injury takes time to heal.  If while she was in a body cast she told you her pain was flaring up, would you say, ‘It’s been 6 weeks since I ran over you.  Why do you insist on focusing on the pain instead of looking ahead to the future?’  No, you wouldn’t, because you would realize that sometimes pain flares up.  Emotional injuries are the same.  You don’t get to argue with her about whether she is in pain.  Your job is to move toward her and say, ‘Show me where it hurts,’ as if it were a physical injury.  You can’t fix this for her, but you can just be with her and ask if there is anything you can to do reassure her or help her feel more comfortable or safe.  If there isn’t, you just sit with it.  If you want, you can talk about how uncomfortable and sad it is for you to see the pain you caused, but you can’t argue about whether the pain is valid or demand that she heals right away.”

Relationship loss is searing, no matter the type, and infidelity is a type of relationship loss.  Partners need time to grieve and be sad.  Most importantly, they need to be validated and comforted in their pain.  As long as it takes.

Lastly, people always want emotional pain from infidelity to heal faster than it does—both the betrayed partner and the offending partner.  My experience is that in affair time, it’s not uncommon to see people have deep emotional triggers regularly for at least two years.

If your partner betrayed you, know that the disorientation, fear and hurt are normal.  Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the marriage you thought you had, just like you would give yourself time to grieve the death of a loved one or a lost relationship.  Eventually, grief diminishes in intensity, but if grief is criticized and shut down by a partner instead of honored and respected, it will last longer.  Clinically, I tell people to write when they are experiencing episodes of grief.  Articulating pain through writing is a way to manage emotional intensity.  Intentional self-care and deep breathing and meditation can also be helpful.

You’re not crazy if you’re in intense pain months after discovering a spouse’s infidelity—you’re just a human with a big attachment injury.  I don’t know if time heals all wounds, because some wounds can persist for decades, but usually time does decrease emotional intensity.