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Dear Woman: Use Your Story to Find Freedom from Porn

Originally posted at: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2021/02/15/dear-woman-use-your-story-to-find-freedom-from-porn

You’re trying to change. Really, you are. You’ve decided to quit using porn and stop engaging in the other unwanted sexual behaviors that often accompany it. You’ve gritted your teeth, clenched your fists, and determined to try harder. You might have even put Covenant Eyes on all of your devices.

You’re a strong woman; you can do this!

But as helpful as those things are, how long will you be able to do this using sheer willpower?

Look Under the Surface

The old brain pathways developed as a result of your past behaviors and ways of thinking are strong. And compared to them, you’re not feeling strong at all. You may have found yourself slipping back into old behaviors again and again. Or perhaps you’re feeling tired of trying so hard. And if you slip, the result is always the same: a brief moment of satisfaction­, and then shame, guilt, and feeling defeated.

It can feel overwhelming and hopeless.

Doing the work, making the decision, and exerting 100% of your effort to quit and stay sober from porn is so important. Tools like Covenant Eyes are pricelessly helpful. You cannot become free by going half-way. This is not playing games; you’ve got to go all in.

But such effort by itself will, at best, only leave you worn out and empty. There are things under the surface of your heart as a woman that will sabotage your recovery, freedom, and restoration unless they are dealt with.

Perhaps you’re successfully remaining clean and sober over a long period of time, but something in your soul feels hungry, empty, unsettled. You’re wondering if this struggle is worth it. Or perhaps you’re frustrated at what seems like your inability to remain free for any significant length of time and wonder what else you should be doing.

Let me invite you to look under the surface, to look past the behaviors, and look at your heart.

What’s Unique About a Woman’s Heart

A woman’s heart is a beautiful and priceless thing. John and Stasi Eldredge describe who a woman is meant to be:

“A woman who at her core was made for romance, made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure, and who really does possess a beauty all her own to unveil. The woman God had in mind when he made Eve . . . and when he made you. Glorious, powerful, and captivating.” [1]

How do you feel even reading those few sentences? It’s likely you feel anything but glorious, powerful, and captivating. That certainly could not be you!

But it is. The core of who you are as a woman is a large part of why evil has worked so intensely to distract, mar, corrupt, damage, and enslave you. It also speaks to the very reasons you keep being drawn to porn.

Related: Shame Doesn’t Know You: Ending the Life Sentence

Since the days when you were a child, something inside of you has longed for that glory—to be desired, known, connected, filled, needed, cherished, loved, honored. At its root, the pull of porn (or any other addiction) begins by appealing to something related to that inner longing.

And once you’re hooked, the message played to your heart is that your very inner desire is too dark to even look at. The best you can hope for is to anesthetize your soul. And porn is a perfectly engaging and available way to do just that.

What IS Under the Surface?

It can be scary to look under the surface of your life, your heart. But this I know; you did not wake up one morning and decide, “I’m going to mess up the rest of my life and relationships by getting hooked on porn.” Something happened to you. That “something” involves stuff that others or circumstances did to you, and also stuff you did to yourself.

Most of the time it’s difficult and perhaps impossible to truly differentiate between what others did to you and what you did to yourself. But Jesus is not nearly as concerned with apportioning out blame as He is with inviting you into a journey of healing and transformation.

And the only way to get there is to deal with what’s under the surface.

Dealing with what’s under the surface is a powerful and necessary dimension of finding and living in freedom. Bringing your stuff into the light disinfects the shame and loosens the chains that bind you to your past. When you feel stuck in darkness that may seem difficult to believe, but I challenge you to give it a try.

You were sexually formed long before you ever realized that’s what was happening to you. You picked up the attitudes and behaviors you saw modeled in your family of origin—beliefs and ways of being around family, intimacy, relationships, sex, womanhood, and a whole lot more. You were almost certainly sexually harmed, perhaps repeatedly and in many ways. Traumas you experienced—sexually-related and otherwise—led you to self-protect and self-soothe just to survive.

Your Story Has an Impact

And then there’s the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy that God made you with. That’s part of how you are created in the image of God. The stuff that happened to you, and your porn use in response, are in part an attempt to meet that legitimate need in your soul. The desperate and damaging ways you’ve tried to meet that need have not changed that core part of who you are—as a woman.

It may be that reading this stirs up some deep things in your memory and in your soul; it’s intended to. But you may be tempted to think, “What happened to me wasn’t really that important. It wasn’t that big a deal.” However outwardly “small” what happened to you may seem, it’s not the event(s) themselves that is the point; it’s the impact they had and continue to have on your heart. And that’s always a big deal.

Or you might be tempted to think, “What happened to me was too horrible to address. I’ll be swallowed up and never get past it. Anesthetizing myself is the only choice I have.” Let me encourage you to suspend disbelief and borrow hope from others for a time if you need to. This is for you too! The freedom, joy, and restoration that will come as a result of dealing with your story will be more than worth the difficulty of doing so.

Your story is unique, and it matters.

A Framework for Dealing With What’s Under the Surface

Dealing with what’s under the surface in your heart is not a one-moment thing. You didn’t get here in a day, and you won’t experience the full and complete restoration Jesus has available for you in a day. This is a journey and one that’s worth taking.

Three important steps will need to be incorporated into your journey.

1. Own Your Story

Owning your story may seem daunting. If so, it may be important for you to seek some help from a counselor or therapist skilled in helping you walk such a journey. Regardless of whether you do this alone or with some professional help, it will become such an important part of you finding wholeness.

It will help to write out your sexual story, either as a timeline of significant events, or a narrative in whatever way your mind remembers. Get to know the younger parts of you; it’s common through trauma for such younger parts of you to become disengaged from your adult self. Many find journaling a useful way to “go there.”

The events that happened are important, but even more important is the impact they had on your soul. As you explore your story don’t only think of external facts; also look for elements such as rejection, exploitation, anger, loss, confusion, shame, isolation, or other heart-wounds. And what beliefs did you develop about yourself, about others, about the world, or about God as a result?

Related: Porn Was My Sex Education: Joy Skarka’s Story

The purpose of exploring your story is not to wallow in darkness, but to understand how you came to be who you are now—and to bring that into the light. This is not about making value judgments or assigning blame; it’s about looking at reality.

And then it’s about owning your reality. “This is me. This happened to me. This is how I responded. And this is how I have been impacted as a result.”

Owning your story is an important step, but it’s just one step in the process of finding restoration. There’s more.

2. Share Your Story

Your story deserves to be shared. There’s something immensely powerful and liberating about sharing your story with a safe person(s). Even if you’ve explored your story on your own, sharing your story will disinfect the shame and open the door to immense freedom and healing.

But don’t just share your story with anyone. Think of it as a priceless treasure; choose carefully and prayerfully who is safe enough to entrust with your story. You’re looking for a person or a few persons who can listen and be there with you in your story, without offering magic fixes or minimizing what you’ve experienced.

You might share your story with a counselor or therapist, with a safe ally, or with a small group of girlfriends who are also walking a journey of restoration. You may find it helpful to share a small part of your story first and assess how the other person responds before deciding to share more.

In the thousands of people I’ve talked with, this is one of the steps they find most challenging, but one that usually ends up bringing the greatest amount of freedom. You’ll probably resist the idea of sharing your story, but I encourage you to find a way to do so. It will be worth it.

3. Invite Jesus Into Your Story

Healing and transformation come from Jesus. Behavior change—ending your porn use or other unwanted and damaging sexual behavior—has real value, but that in itself doesn’t fix you. Only Jesus can do that, and He wants to!

Invite Jesus to go with you into your story. One by one, imagine yourself back at those important moments in your story, the ones you now see as having been part of shaping who you are. Imagine Jesus being right there with you. Invite Him to actually be present with you in that moment.

See Him right there with you. How close is He to you? What is the look on His face? Is He saying anything to you?

As you allow Jesus to be with you in your story, it will be changed, and you will be changed. You may need to come back to your story repeatedly, inviting Jesus into each part. Take your time. This is important and often challenging work. Journaling as you do this will often be super helpful.

Regardless of how “bad” your story has been, it will lose its sting. You will be able to remember the events, but they will no longer have power over you. And that is wonderful freedom!

Dealing With Your Story Brings Freedom

As you experience the freedom that comes through dealing with what’s under the surface, the old brain pathways begin to lose their power over you. Your ability to choose positive behaviors becomes greater. You no longer have to run to porn (or something else) to anesthetize yourself from the underlying “issues.”

Don’t get upset when this process doesn’t lead to one magic fix in a day. Frankly, your story is almost certainly too complicated and too dark for you to work it through all at once. Give yourself grace as you walk this journey. Jesus certainly does, and He will walk with you!

And you will discover the glorious, powerful, and captivating core of you under the surface of your womanly heart.

[1] John and Stasi Eldredge. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2005), 19.

Dr. Carol

Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley, M.D., D.Min., is an author, speaker, licensed OB-GYN medical doctor, and ordained Doctor of Ministry. As an expert on the integration of wholeness for body, mind, and soul, she interacts daily with individuals from around the world helping them experience the Fully Alive life Jesus came to bring.

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10 Steps to Overcoming Pornography Addiction

Originally posted at: https://annaanitasblog.wordpress.com/2020/09/20/10-steps-to-overcoming-pornography-addiction/

How to Quit Porn

1. First, you must acknowledge the addiction exists. Many who are caught in the trap of addiction will adamantly deny the problem. He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. – Proverbs 28:13

2. You must recognize that what you are doing is wrong. Addicts find a way to justify their problem in their mind. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. – I John 2:16

3. You must not blame others – “If my wife/husband were just more affectionate.” … “If women/men were not so seductive.” Adam blamed Eve and she blamed the serpent. Instead, you must begin to take responsibility for your actions.

4. Make yourself accountable to a spiritual authority, perhaps a pastor or mature believer. Everybody needs a “safe” person to share their struggles with. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. – James 5:16

5. You must recognize that “willpower” is not the answer. At a weak moment, your “will” may fail you. By admitting that you are in need of God’s help, you open access to His supernatural intervention in your life. You must yield your will to God’s will. That’s when He can begin a new work in your life.

6. Study the Word of God concerning sexual purity. Therefore putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the Word implanted, which is able to save your souls. – James 1:21

7. You must destroy any pornography in your possession. You can’t wean yourself off pornography. Think of the hidden pornography in your home as a ticking time bomb that will ultimately destroy your family and marriage.

8. You must learn to flee temptation. Self-deception may enter when you think you can play with fire without getting burned. Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it. Turn away from it and pass on. – Proverbs 4:14,15

9. Give yourself time to work through the process of recovery. More often than not, God chooses to take us through a learning and growing process, that can be very painful. Victory over addiction should be viewed as a marathon, not a sprint.

10. It’s cliché, but you must approach your addiction one day at a time. Look for little victories and rejoice in the progress you’re making. Recovery is a cinch by the inch, but a trial by the mile.

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Rebellion and Restoration

Then you must throw this man out and hand him over to Satan so that his sinful nature will be destroyed and he himself will be saved on the day the Lord returns. 1 Corinthians 5:5 

What do we do when our brothers in Christ continue in rebellion?

How many people do you know in recovery? Now, how many people do you know who have been in your recovery meetings and have dropped out…or you don’t know what happened to them…or they just quit working through the steps?

Unfortunately, for every person who sits next to me in a circle I can think of many faces when I look at the empty chair in the middle. As a new sponsor, I thought I could will my sponsees through the steps. If they would just learn from my mistakes, stay diligent, repent, turn toward sobriety and restoration…they could avoid inflicting additional pain on their families and themselves. 

Its easy for me to remember the second part of my journey through recovery, when I finally got serious about recovery. That is the part I want to impart on the people I meet in these meetings, that I spend time with on phone calls or sit next to in rooms. Stop now, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, stay in accountability, check in with others. Most importantly, stop acting out. Do whatever it takes to stop. 

Then I remember the first part of my journey. Attending meetings, lying to the facilitator that I didn’t belong here, that I had only had one affair, I didn’t struggle with pornography, I wasn’t like everyone in this meeting. Lying to my wife, my counselor, my kids. Lying to my accountability guys. Lying to myself. Lying to God.

So what do you do when you have someone like I was in your life? What do you do when that guy you are talking to, investing time in, supporting, encouraging…what do you do when they tell you one thing and do another? What do you do when they lie to you over and over? When they don’t follow through? When they don’t commit to meetings, check ins, accountability, truthfulness.

This past week, my pastor preached a message from 1 Corinthians 5. Paul wrote both 1 and 2nd Corinthians as letters to the church at Corinth. The church he planted and watered. The two letters are a treasure trove of Christ like living, instruction from Christ through Paul. Chapter 5 is important to me. It speaks to my top character defect: pride. Like the Corinthians, I knew best. Only, Paul wasn’t about to let that go.

It seems the church had allowed sexual immorality to exist in its midst in the form of one of its members. He was a Christ follower who refused to repent and turn from his sin. He was living in a sexual relationship with his stepmother. The church didn’t discipline him or challenge him. They celebrated themselves and how “tolerant” and loving they were by accepting his behavior. When I heard this from my pastor, I had one immediate thought…insanity. How could someone do something so stupid and insane as a Christian and as a church? Oh, and then I remembered my own life. Oops.

I am a Christ follower. I have been since the age of 9. My insanity reached astounding depths. My own behavior caused me to jeopardize my marriage, my relationship with my kids and my extended family, and to lose my job and much of our savings. After admitting to an affair, I sought to keep my marriage together after my wife allowed me to come home. Except…I wasn’t done in my insanity yet. I decided to only confess a little, hide everything else, and lie. Then hang on for dear life that I wouldn’t be found out and that I could fix it on my own. That should work. It didn’t. Surprise surprise!

Paul called out the sin of the individual and of the church at Corinth. He demanded that he be turned over to Satan so that his sinful nature might be destroyed. Not him…his sinful nature. Paul was talking about a Christian. Someone who had accepted Christ, who was saved by grace through faith. And who was still living in lies and sin. Someone like me. Paul’s instruction wasn’t done.  He continued with the best part. Turn him over to Satan so his sin might be destroyed and he will be saved.

What do we do when someone we know and care about is in rebellion from Christ? Is deep in their own sin and can’t see the way out? Who knows Christ but can’t let go of their addiction? We follow Paul’s guidance…we turn them over to their own sin. In our circles, we say they haven’t hit their rock bottom yet. We have to leave them to it. And yet be there when they are able to reach out. 

Our pastor closed his message with a series of quotes. He has a friend who is writing a book and reached out to people in his circles with the following question: “I stopped running from God when…” Here are some of the answers he got:

  • I lost my job.
  • My wife filed for divorce.
  • I almost ran over someone.
  • My kids no longer spoke to me.
  • I couldn’t remember what I did the night before.
  • I hit rock bottom.

The ultimate goal for lives after running from God is simple. Restoration. Recovery has meant a path to restoration for me. Restoration with God, my wife, my kids, my friends, my church. That is exactly what God intends. After our rebellion, after repentance…comes restoration.

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The Truth

Originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/

It was one of the few movies I remember watching in a theater with my mom. The year was 1992. The movie was A Few Good Men. Mom’s favorite actor, Jack Nicholson, played the role of Jessup. And he uttered this most famous line – “You can’t handle the truth!”

I offer the following for pastors.

  • 62% of the men in your church are watching porn.
  • 37% of your male staff is watching porn.
  • 7% of our churches have anything to offer porn addicts who want to get well.

Do those numbers sound alarmist? My response: “You can’t handle the truth!”

It is past time that churches and pastors handle the truth. The church needs to rise up and provide tools for men and women who want to find freedom.

Here’s another truth you may not be able to handle. It is not [a secular group like] SA’s (Sexaholics Anonymous) [or SAA’s (Sex Addicts Anonymous)] job to lead your church members to a life of recovery.

Recovery Step: Galatians 6:2 tells the church to “bear one another’s burdens.” Church, you have a problem. It is time you handle that truth.

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Can God Use a Sinner?

Originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/

January 4, 2021

Do you think God can’t use a sinner?

In the lineage of Jesus (Matthew 1), we find only four women named. Two were prostitutes, one was an adulteress, and the other was from a foreign land.

Still think God can’t use a sinner?

Only one man in Scripture was described as being a man “after God’s own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14). That man (David) was the same guy who committed adultery and had the woman’s husband put to death so he could sweep in and marry her himself.

Still think God can’t use a sinner?

Ever heard of Moses (murderer), Peter (denied Jesus three times), or Paul (persecuted Christians)?

Yes, God can use a sinner, even a sexual addict. And yes, God can use you.

Recovery Step: I leave you with three thoughts: (a) God can use sinners, (b) God does use sinners, and (c) God only uses sinners. Oh, one more thing . . . God can use you!