CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

recovery

By

How Codependency Sabotages Your Life

SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Codependency is something that often needs to be addressed because it can be a huge obstacle in your life, and learning to say no is crucial to removing this obstacle.

Codependency is most simply defined as a tendency to take too much responsibility for the problems of others. While it’s good to care for, help and support people, the codependent crosses a line in the relationship – the line of responsibility. Instead of being responsible to others, the codependent becomes responsible for them. And, unless the other person is your child or someone whose care is entrusted to you, the line of responsibility between the to and the for can become quite blurred. The result is that instead of caring and helping, you begin enabling and rescuing. Enabling and rescuing do not empower anybody. They only increase dependency, entitlement, and irresponsibility. Love builds up strength and character, whereas codependency breaks them down.

Codependency unchecked can take you right off the rails of what you want to achieve in your life, get in the way of goals and sabotage your dreams. And it’s all too easy to be completely unaware of it. This is because while distractions, toxic people and worthy-but-untimely things are outside of you, codependency is within you. Sometimes it’s just too close to see. But it is there, at least in small part, in most of us.

For example, you are late to your night class in the MBA track because a co-worker drops the ball and asks you to work late to bail him out. Or you want to take flying lessons, but your wife doesn’t like to try new things and prefers to stay at home. Since she feels lonely when you are gone, you stay home, which actually ends up being worse for the both of you. Or perhaps you feel guilty for the fact that your efforts at online dating are paying off, while your girlfriends are moping and complaining about their lack of prospects. So you hid your success from them, or even slow down the process.

Most of the time, the problem caters on the unhappiness of the other person. Since we care about them, we don’t want them to be sad, hurt, disappointed or unhappy. And that kind of care is a good thing. However, no one has ever yet made an unhappy person happy. You can’t take the emotions of another person and change them. You can help, love, accept, empathize, advise, challenge, confront and support. But at the end of the day, their feelings belong to them. So you must say no to enabling and rescuing behaviors. Life gets better and people become more successful when they are able to shoulder their own responsibilities.

When you start saying no to your own codependency, however, you will also find yourself saying no to people you have been rescuing. So be ready for some twinges of guilt. You may feel like the bad guy or fear that the other person will think badly of you. These feelings are normal; consider them part of the price of reaching your dreams. Just remember to stay loving and caring while respecting the line of responsibility. The guilty feelings should resolve in time, and you will become a freer person.

By

Intimacy and Human Relational Design

Originally posted at: https://applyingmybeliefs.wordpress.com/2017/09/04/intimacy-and-human-relational-design/

This posting is part of what I am going to discuss in an “Intimacy in Marriage” class I am teaching at my church – The Fellowship, in Katy TX.  (www.thefellowship.org).

Having a God-centered comprehension of intimacy is a key to having a good understanding of human design and relationships.  This understanding, together with knowing what the fall of mankind into sin means, helps us to explain so many of the relational phenomena we see in human society.

The comprehension of intimacy starts with knowing some things about God.

We know from scripture that God is presented to us as a pre-existent uncreated being made up of three persons that are known as Father, Son and Spirit – sometimes we call them a trinity.  Some of the things we know about God are:

John 4:24 – God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.

1 John 4:16 – So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

John 10:30 – I and the Father are one.

From these three things that God says about Himself, we can note that He is a highly relational non-physical being, with His relationships cemented together by love.

As we move forward from past eternity to the sixth day of creation we see this being said:

Gen 1:26-27 – Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”  So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

God, the three persons, made us humans, to be like Him in some way.  He calls us an image, a word that suggests that we look like Him, probably not physically because He is spirit, but more likely our soul is made in His image.  This leads us to understand that our individual inner person is a representation of the trinity, although we may not know exactly what that means.  He also says that we are made in His likeness; that we are like Him in certain ways.  In the chart at the end of this document I have listed some likenesses and differences in a useful comparative table.

The next relevant thing that God said is this:

Gen 2:18 – Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.

As we look at this we must remember that the original scriptures are written as continuous text, and our translators have added in grammar and most importantly punctuation.  Verse 18 here probably ought to be considered as two sentences that we have connected.  There is no indication that God spoke them as one continuous set of words without a pause.  It is entirely possible they were separated by days, weeks, months or years.  In the way we think, we would prefer to believe they were connected.  For a moment though consider them as completely separated.

Gen 2:18(a) – It is not good for man to be alone.

The Hebrew word that we translate as “man” here is “haa’aadaam” which is often shortened to “adam.”  It is found in over 500 places in the Old Testament, and is almost always used as a plural word for all of humankind.  So when God spoke Gen 2:18(a) He was referring to all of us.  Whereas in Gen 2:18(b) He was referring specifically to the man we call Adam.

This is the first true and direct reference to the designed-in reality that we (all humans) are created to be connected – to have intimacy with each other.  Also note that God spoke this before sin entered the world, making our need for intimacy part of God’s original intended design.

As we move forward in the story we come to this

Gen 2:24 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

When scripture says “therefore” it is asking the reader to consider the words written before it.  In this case the scriptures from Gen 2:18 to 2:23 that deal with the creation of the woman.  The woman is called a “suitable helper” for the man – this is specific designation and excludes all other animals and also another male human.

So in Gen 2:24 we see God tell us that a man (iysh in the Hebrew, meaning a generic man) is to leave the parents of his family of origin, and hold fast to his wife, and become one flesh with her.  This is a significant and formal intimacy statement from God that we ought to pay close attention to.

The words “hold fast” in our English translation (often called “cleave” in other translations) is one single word in the Hebrew, dabaq.  This word carries the meaning that something is “fastened together.”  One useful word picture here is that the man and woman become joined with each other using a relational bonding agent.  God says to link together so that no other human can break the connection.  Jesus put it this way:

Matt 19:5-6 – Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.  So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

The “one flesh” in Hebrew is basar echad (which we translate as “flesh one” and switch the order of words.)  Our English translation is a convenience to help the reader of scripture understand what God is saying.  But when we investigate what these words more literally say, we don’t get the simple “one flesh”; instead we get “collected together and united as a fresh unit.”  This obviously has an entirely different slant than the physicalness of the word flesh.

Sex and intimacy

As we look at intimacy as a designed-in feature of all humans, we need to make another special note here.  When God spoke these words about marriage, no human had ever had physical sex, and yet we, in our culture, use the term sexual intimacy.  Intimacy and sex are not connected; consider that God the Father, Son and Spirit are intimate and yet sex is not part of that intimacy.

So then, an error that is often made by well-meaning believers is that they relate marriage and sex based on the “one flesh” words in the scripture.  That is a stretch.  The reality is that humans are a special animal, the only one created in God’s image, but we are still an animal and we can have sex without being married just like other animals.  Physical sex does not need marriage, as many humans prove every day.

Physical sex is given to us by a loving God for two reasons.

  • To multiply the human race.
  • As a pleasurable reward for marital intimacy between two suitable helpers.

It is that second reason that needs to be focused on in this paper.

What we know as physical sex is only legitimate when it is conducted inside a marriage made in the sight of God, a lifetime covenant between two suitable helpers.  Anything outside of that is an immoral act; and God says this about that subject:

1 Cor 6:18 – Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

This is well-known and a simple conventional Christian statement.  However, there some other things that we ought to know about physical sex and intimacy.

Physical sex without intimacy can be fantastic!  Many people would be able to say that, but it is not the whole story.  When intimacy, relationship and true deep connectedness, is not present, the physical sex eventually fades into an animal-like routine.  The result is that humans who engage in it go from sexual partner to sexual partner trying to regain the “feeling.”  In the end it results in a kind of soul-sterility, and inability to connect with others in a designed-in way.  Promiscuity leads to numbness inside a person – this is because sex cannot lead to intimacy; God has designed us so that marital intimacy (only) is to lead to physical sex.

Sex “experts”, those that advise and teach about how to have a great sex life, seem to be united in one basic idea.  They almost universally tell us that the true sex organ is the brain, not the genitals.  They go on to explain that a good sexual life, meaning high levels of physical pleasure on a sustained basis, is only achievable when you are thoughtfully, emotionally and willfully connected to a specific partner.  Isn’t that an alternative description of intimacy in action?  So then, even the world agrees with God, although they don’t admit it.  Sex and intimacy go together, but intimacy is necessary for sustained pleasurable sex.

Another interesting aspect of sex and intimacy is what is reported by marriage researchers.  Apparently, long-term (30 years plus) marriage partners that have high levels of connectedness report that sex got better and was more satisfying for both partners on a continuous basis.  This was true for believers and non-believers alike.  This may be the best proof that God’s designed-in need for us to be intimate, to be like Him, is real and tangible – and that it is a precursor to a healthy sex life.

Some final words

If one agrees with what has been spoken of above so many things can be looked at differently.

  • Being hooked on pornography is not about sex, it is about intimacy.
  • Visiting sex workers is not about sex, it is about looking for intimacy.
  • Promiscuity will never lead to satisfaction, intimacy takes time and work.
  • Extra-marital affairs are not about sex, they are about the need for intimacy.
  • If a couple wants better sex, they ought to work on intimacy.

A Comparative Table of Likenesses and Differences

Characteristic God Mankind
Power & Strength Omnipotent – All Powerful Powerful
Knowledge Omniscience – All Knowing Knowledgeable
Understanding Unlimited Limited
Wisdom Unlimited Limited
Reason/Rationality Perfect reason Imperfect reason
Feelings Emotional being Emotional being
Self-directed Perfect Willfulness Imperfect Willfulness
Singularity One God One Soul
Trinitarian Three Persons Heart, Mind and Will
Action Orientation Acts through Jesus Acts through the Will
The Heart Perfect subjectiveness Deceptive
Lovingkindness Constantly loving Capable of loving
Connectedness Perfectly relational Made for relationships
Depth of relational ability Perfectly intimate Designed for intimacy

 

By

How I Apologize to My Kids

Originally posted at: https://promisedhopechurch.wordpress.com/2017/09/02/how-i-apologize-to-my-kids/

*There seems to have been some interest in these practical family and parenting posts.  I do not write as an expert in anything.  This is simply one sinner saved by grace explaining his best approach to those awful 5 minutes after slamming a door or yelling at his children, when he realizes he behaved like a fool.


The screaming starts.  Almost always over a toy.  If it’s not that, it’s that somebody hit somebody.

Then Daddy throws open the door, angry that his 9:30 PM peace and quiet is being interrupted.

He isn’t angry because his children have sinned against God and each other by stealing or hurting each other.  Well, maybe a little, but not primarily.  Primarily he’s angry because the created thing he wanted (peace and quiet, food, TV) was disrupted.  That’s what has his fingers digging into his palms.

And do you know what we call it when a created thing is so important to you that you freak out if you don’t get it?

Idolatry.  

So, now Daddy’s idolatry play out in all its ugly glory, here.  He clenches his teeth and points with his finger at Kid #1’s bed.  “Get.  In.  Bed.”  He raises his voice a few decibels to Kid #2.  “If you do anything to him again I will spank your butt.”  Then he shouts over the crying of Kid #3.  “Enough!  I don’t want to hear it!  All of you:  Be quiet.”  He turns on a dime and slams the bedroom door.

And now sin has wrapped its poisonous vine around these four souls.  Three children sinned against each other out of idolatry, and their father responded with anger at his own idol being threatened.  None of these four souls were, at that moment, resting in the Lord Jesus Christ and savoring Him.  That would’ve resulted in joy, forgiveness, peace, and patience.

Oh, and if you haven’t figured it out yet:  This Daddy is me.  

So, after a few minutes, I open the door, and tell the two who are old enough to get down out of bed to sit down with me.  The other can listen from the crib.  And then I say the following.

  • “Daddy sinned.”

Before you apologize for a sin, you need to acknowledge that it was sin.  It was not merely a “mistake,” it was not that you “lost your cool,” it was not that someone “made you” do it.  Jesus did not die on the Cross to redeem good people for their “aw shucks” mistakes.  He died to save sinners from their sins.  

I sinned. Period.  No excuses, no qualifications.

My kids need to know that sin is serious.  If they don’t see Daddy taking his sin seriously, they’re less likely to take their sins seriously.  And to live a Gospel life, a true Christian life, one must take sin seriously.  

  • “Daddy is sorry.”

If I’ve sinned, then I have at least two parities I need to apologize to, two people with whom I need to reconcile.

  1. The God whose Law I broke
  2. The person I sinned against

These apologies are essential for these relationships (mine to God and mine to the person I sinned against) to be restored.  In general, if I am not a person who confesses my wrongs from the heart, I will not be a person who has healthy relationships.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:8-9

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 

Matthew 18:15

My kids need to hear me grieve my sin, hear me say that I am sorry that I did such a thing to God and to them.  I realize that to some people this may sound like overkill for something as “small” as angrily raising your voice, but I firmly believe that that sentiment is usually arising from the flesh.

See, our flesh always wants to minimize our own sins and magnify others’ sins against us.  We understand that it’s good for someone to apologize to us when he has committed even some “small” sin against us (and we are usually unhappy or feel slighted if he doesn’t).  But because of our flesh and our pride, we often think that it isn’t necessary for us to apologize for our own “small” sins.

But it is.  Jesus died to bear God’s wrath for every instance of bad anger I’ve ever committed, every harsh word and bitter thought and nursed grudge.  Those sins are no small matter.  

And, hear me on this part, too:  Sin brings death.  And so if I want life flowing through my relationships, I must confess my sins in those relationships and receive the grace and restoration of God.

  • “Do you forgive me?”

Say what?  You’re going to ask your kids to forgive you, dude?

Yes, because I (almost always) make them ask my wife or I to forgive them after they have sinned against us.

So, obviously we are in authority over our children, authority given to us by God for their good and His glory.  They answer to God and to us.  But one of the truths of the Bible is that authority comes with responsibility.  I have a responsibility to God and to the children He’s given me to love them selflessly.  When I treat them, even for a moment, as an impediment to my own pleasure, as an annoyance keeping me from TV or a snack or a good book, I am breaking that God-given responsibility.  I am putting my own good ahead of theirs.  And after acknowledging that sin and then grieving it, I need to give them the opportunity to forgive me.

Now, until children are born again through faith in Jesus Christ (something I hope all you parents pray for for your own children), they cannot forgive like a Christian can.  They aren’t able to forgive from the bank of grace they have received in Christ Jesus, because they haven’t received that grace.  But they can begin to see how important forgiveness is.  And they can also begin to see how impossible it is to truly and humbly forgive without being made a new person.

See, one of the best things I can do to drive my children to the Cross is to make them try to forgive from the heart.  Because in time, they will see how weak and selfish their hearts are.  And so, I pray, they will call upon Jesus to change them and save them.  

So, there you have it.  That’s how this one Christian father does it.  “Daddy sinned.  I’m sorry.  Do you forgive me?”  

They’re no magic words, and it doesn’t always go smoothly.  But often enough it builds trust, and it shows them just a little bit of what Christianity is, of who Daddy is, and of who Jesus is:  The God who saved sinful father.

It’s no silver bullet.  But I can honestly say that they increasingly feel comfortable enough to tell me if they think I’ve sinned, and they also feel a little more comfortable with owning up to their own sins.

Which is the point.

Because by God’s grace, I pray, someday each of them will come to Christ’s Cross on their knees and say to Him, in faith, words they once heard from their imperfect Daddy.

“Jesus, I sinned.  I’m sorry.  Will you forgive me?”

By

Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 73: Conversation with Ben – Resentments, Fear, Pride, and Being Right

Episode 73: Conversation with Ben – Resentments, Fear, Pride, and Being Right

Ben and Doug discuss the power of the progression in working Steps 4-7.  Ben utilizes some real life issues that have come up that can brew into resentments.  These are often caused by fear and pride issues.  So being aware helps us in recovery start to turn those over to a higher power.

They also discuss the patterns of thinking that can continually damage relationships, like having to “be right.”  The ability to try to control someone else’s emotions can rob our own joy and serenity.

Thank you for listening…Please email us with any thoughts or questions at puritypodcast@castimonia.org 

By

10 Things You Need to Know About Codependency

SOURCE:   Sharon Martin, LCSW / PsychCentral

Codependency is often misunderstood. It’s not just a label to slap on the spouse of every alcoholic. It encompasses a wide-range of behavior and thought patterns that cause people distress to varying degrees. I hope this article will help clear up some of the misconceptions about codependency and help you to understand codependency better.

  • Codependency is a response to trauma. You probably developed codependent traits starting in your childhood as a way to deal with an abusive, chaotic, dysfunctional, or codependent family. As a child in an overwhelming situation, you learned that keeping the peace, taking care of others, denying your feelings, and trying to control things were ways to survive and cope with a scary and out of control home life. For some people, the trauma was subtle, almost unnoticeable. Even if your childhood was fairly “normal”, you may have experienced generational trauma, meaning your parents or close relatives passed some of their trauma responses down to you.
  • Codependency feels shameful. The foremost shame researcher, Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Children who grow up in dysfunctional families learn early on that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. Your parents may have explicitly told you this by calling you stupid or worthless or you might have gotten this message when your parents blamed you for their marital problems, addiction, or unemployment. We all know that there’s still a huge stigma around addiction, abuse, and mental illness, so we’re afraid to talk about having these problems ourselves or in our families. Shame grows when we can’t tell people about our problems; we feel alone and inadequate as if these struggles are our fault and the direct result of our flaws. We come to believe that we’re not as good as everyone else and this belief is reinforced further when people mistreat, reject, or abandon us.
  • Codependency is an unhealthy focus on other people’s problems, feelings, and needs. Focusing on other people is a way to feel needed and to avoid or distract ourselves from our own pain. We become so focused on others that we lose ourselves in the process. Many codependents describe feeling addicted to another person; the relationship has an obsessive quality that’s hard to quit even when you know it’s unhealthy. Your self-worth and identity are based on this relationship. You might ask yourself, “Who am I and what would I do without my spouse (or child or parent)?” This relationship gives you a sense of purpose without which, you’re not sure who you are. And your loved one needs you and depends on you to do things for them. You’re both dependent on each other in an unhealthy way (this the “co” in codependent).
  • Codependents are very sensitive to criticism. Codependents tend to be a sensitive bunch. Our feelings are easily hurt; we’ve dealt with a lot of hurt, blame, and criticism in our lives. We do everything we can to avoid displeasing others. We’ll bend over backward to keep other people happy and divert attention away from ourselves. Sometimes we try to stay “small and quiet” so we don’t draw any attention to ourselves.
  • Codependents are super responsible. Codependents are the glue that keeps a family going. We make sure the rent gets paid, the kids get to baseball practice, and the windows are shut so the neighbors don’t hear the yelling. Most of us were very responsible children who, out of necessity, became responsible for taking care of parents, siblings, household chores, and school work without parental assistance. We find it easier to care for others than ourselves and we gain self-esteem from being responsible, dependable, and hard working. But we pay the price when we over extend ourselves, become workaholics, or grow resentful when we do more than our share.
  • Codependents wall off their own feelings. Avoiding painful feelings is another coping strategy that codependents often employ. However, we can’t wall off only the painful feelings; we end up disconnected from all our feelings, making it harder to fully enjoy life’s joys, as well. Even the painful and uncomfortable feelings give us important clues about what we need. For example, if your coworker takes credit for your work in an important meeting, it would be natural to feel hurt, disappointed, and/or angry. These feelings tell you that you’ve been mistreated, which isn’t OK, and then you can figure out how to deal with it. If you pretend or convince yourself that you’re not hurt or angry, you’ll continue to allow people to take credit for your work or mistreat you in other ways.
  • Codependents don’t ask for what they need. One of the offshoots of suppressing our feelings is that without attuning to and understanding our feelings, we don’t know what we need. And it’s impossible to meet your own needs or ask others to meet them when you don’t even know what they are. And because of our low self-esteem, we don’t feel worthy to ask our partner, friends, or employer for what we need from. The reality is that everyone has needs and the right to ask for them to be met. Of course, asking doesn’t guarantee that they’ll be met, but it’s much more likely when we ask assertively rather than staying passive (or waiting until we’re full of rage).
  • Codependents give, even when it hurts. Caretaking and enabling are hallmarks of codependency. What makes it unhealthy is that codependents will put their time, energy, and money into helping or doing for others even when it causes them distress or hardship. This caring nature also makes us susceptible to being mistreated or taken advantage of. We struggle to set boundaries and need to strive for a balance between helping others and taking care of ourselves.
  • Codependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis. Many people with codependency have clinical levels of anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to trauma and genetics, but codependency itself isn’t a mental disorder. Also, remember that going to counseling or psychotherapy doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you; you may feel empty and defective, but that doesn’t mean you are!
  • You can change your codependent patterns. People can recover from codependency. I’m not going to lie and tell you it’s easy, but I do know it’s possible. Change is a gradual process that requires lots of practice and an openness to try new things and to feel a little uncomfortable in the process. You may find that professional therapy is very helpful in addition to self-help resources such as books or 12-step programs (Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Codependents Anonymous are popular choices).   Codependency is not your fault, but you are the only one who can change it.