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Toddler Tears

by jrmybennett

Last night I went to another meeting last night. It was a much more of an intimate venue and more comfortable setting. During the meeting everyone was sharing stories of their past. I decided it was time I shared a bit about myself. As I began to relate my story of my addiction, how I have let everyone I love down, how I don’t remember who I am anymore, how I hate the person I see in the mirror I began to cry….

This wasn’t a manly single tear down the face cry but a full on snot bubbling sob. I was crying like a three year old who had just dropped their popsicle in the sand. It felt good to let all that emotion go in a room full of strangers, to feel unencumbered by people’s preconceived notions. While I was speaking a rough looking man got up and left the room, I assumed I had sickened him with my display. He had declined to speak earlier but when he returned he addressed me directly and began to cry himself. He said he remembered what it was like to be in my shoes. How I had taken the first steps and recovery is possible. I hope to god he’s right.

I start “real” counseling on the 29th. I can’t wait and I’m ready to do this once and for all. I pray that the ones I have hurt and betrayed the most someday forgive me. I know I have a long road ahead of me but every journey begins with a single step.

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4 Myths About the Wives of Porn Addicts

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/4-myths-wives-porn-addicts/

August 16, 2016 by

The world finds lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography not only acceptable, but something to be elevated and encouraged, because they’ve embraced the belief that if anyone is being hurt, it’s only the person looking at porn. This is a lie. A wife is part of the collateral damage that’s resulted from her husband’s addiction.

There are four misconceptions that many hold about pornography addiction and the betrayed wife. Being aware of these myths will help you improve your counseling strategy to these women.

Myth 1: “She’s handling it well”

It’s likely you don’t have to search your memory very far back to recall the last wife who sat in your office talking about her husband’s addiction to pornography. I’d like to tell you what she probably didn’t say in that counseling session.

She didn’t tell you that while she appreciates the help her husband is getting, inside she’s screaming, “What about me? I didn’t choose this! He broke my heart for porn!”

She didn’t tell you her husband’s “secret sin” has now become her own dirty little secret. Fear of judgment and additional repercussions for her and her family prevent her from sharing her pain with others.

She didn’t tell you that she blames herself—that when her husband turns to images of other women to meet his sexual needs, she believes there must be something wrong with her. She feels rejected and inadequate. She also feels responsible to fix this somehow.

She probably didn’t tell you that she is afraid. She’s afraid that …

  • Being close to her husband will never feel safe again and that she’ll throw up if he tries to touch her.
  • If she lets her guard down, he will hurt her again, so she acts like the porn police.
  • Her husband will choose to continue in his sin and not seek healing.
  • Recurrence and deception will leave her looking like a gullible idiot.
  • She’ll never trust the man she married because lies have been the backbone supporting the pornography addiction in her marriage.

Though the fabric of her life may feel like it’s unraveling, she needs assurance that God is able to meet her in the center of her pain and that there is always hope in Jesus. He will comfort her in her grief, and He will be her strength in this battle. This is not the matrimonial trip of a lifetime that she had planned. In fact, much has been lost. She needs you to give her opportunities to name and grieve those losses. Some of those losses may be obvious (financial security, employment, health), while others may be less tangible, like trust, respect, and self-worth.

When I say “grieve” those losses, I mean grieve. Hand her a box of tissues and assure her that our God is big enough to handle her tears, then listen. This isn’t the time for well-intended, but unhelpful, spiritual platitudes. She longs to hear that she’s not alone and that though you don’t have all the answers, you’re so glad she told you the truth about what’s going on. I’ve learned that we can only praise God to the degree we have lamented. Once she’s grieved her losses, she’s in a better position to set aside her own agenda and accept the path God has set for her for this time.

Myth 2: If she’d been sexually available and kept her figure, the husband wouldn’t have turned to porn

No wife is to blame for her husband’s addiction to pornography. Each of us bears the responsibility for our own choices. She needs to hear that she can’t control her husband’s choices, nor can she do anything to fix this for him. She can only take care of her business with Christ, live according to God’s Word, and work with you (a counselor or pastor) on her damaged heart.

During the initial stages of ministry to the wife of a porn addict, a wife must be assured that her husband’s enslavement to pornography is his responsibility. It is not her fault. She should never be led to think that his addiction has to do with her appearance, her bedroom performance, or her availability.

This does not mean that the wife is perfect. Later in the healing process—after she has had ample time (months, not weeks) to reveal her heart, grieve the layers of losses, become part of a support network, and understand that God is able to handle this—you can help the wife engage in some constructive, self-examination to determine if there’s some things that she has done to contribute to his addiction. She might consider her reactions to his current progress and current choices, whether she’s withdrawing emotionally, if she’s using past sins against him, etc. But foremost, she must understand that her husband’s choice to view pornography is not about her.

Myth 3: If the husband stops using porn, she should magically be “over it”

Just because the habit is over, doesn’t mean the havoc is over.

Trust is an asset we don’t fully appreciate until we don’t have it in a relationship. Before she was aware of her husband’s addiction, she probably didn’t give trust a second thought. Since the discovery and the awareness that lies had covered up her ability to see what he was doing in the past, now she conjures up countless possibilities in her mind every time her husband walks out the door.

Let’s consider for a moment what possessed her husband to lie in the first place. He lied because …

  • He could, and for a time, it worked.
  • He was self-deceived.
  • He hoped to avoid conflict with her.
  • He feared the consequences of her knowing the truth.
  • He feared the possibility of not being able to “have it all”—have both her and the outside sexual opportunities.

Ultimately, it backfired. Lies are a tool of the devil because they kill trust.

Trust will either be built or destroyed in the countless choices the wife and her husband make moment by moment. His behaviors will become her trust barometer. If he wants to demonstrate his trustworthiness, and he is making right choices, he will have no problem being accountable and undergoing a reasonable degree of scrutiny. If, however, he insists that she should simply “get over it” and take his word that he’s “done doing that,” and he resists accountability, she needs to be cautious about trusting. This is a direct indication that he is not serious about healing from his addiction and restoring trust in their marriage.

Myth 4: It’s enough for her to understand the addiction and her role in recovery

Understanding her husband’s history with pornography, what triggers her husband’s behavior, and what he’s looking for from porn is helpful to know, but it’s insufficient. While it’s absolutely necessary for there to be a focus on the husband’s habit, the unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife. She has a deeply wounded heart that also requires attention if there is hope of a restored marriage.

The unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife.

  • Offer a support group for wives in your church. A healthy support group—whether facilitated by a therapist, a lay leader, or another wife who has navigated her own journey of a broken heart—provides a place of encouragement and empathy while maintaining confidentiality. I’ve recently written a leader’s guide for those who want to offer a support group for wives, to be used with my book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart. You can access that guide here.
  • Point wives to an online support group for wives. While I am quick to point people toward pastoral and professional counseling, I also know that there’s something special and safe about a support group led by a woman who is able to say, “I know what it’s like in your shoes because I’ve walked in them. I also know what it’s like to stand victorious and have a restored heart after pornography, and I’m here to walk with you through the mess.” This is why I offer a small, confidential, online support group for wives through my ministry. I hope you’ll offer something in your church, but if you can’t, please share my online support group with the hurting wives in your church. They can access that group here.

When you’re meeting with the wife of a man with a porn sin issue, assure her that her broken heart matters, then help her build a small tribe of safe support.

Help her build a small tribe of safe support.

Conclusion

Heart healing needs to come first. It is beautiful when a wife can take the broken pieces of her heart and make them available to the Master Restorer, who will take those pieces and make something stunning. Psalm 147:3 (ESV) assures us that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” When her heart is whole, she is then in the perfect position to contribute to an environment of healing in her marriage.

Sam Hodges and Kathy Leonard provide additional tips on ministering to a betrayed wife in “My Husband Is Having Online Affairs. Help Me, Pastor!” where they share the story of Sarah, whose husband engaged in online pornography and cybersex.

Vicki Tiede

Vicki Tiede, MEd, MMin, is a Bible teacher, conference speaker, and author. Vicki is uniquely qualified to minister to women whose husbands are addicted to pornography because of her own experience of being that wife in her first marriage. Vicki has written Your Husband is Addicted to Porn (mini-book) and When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart in addition to writing and contributing to six other books. Through her ministry, Vicki offers online, video-conferencing support groups for wives. You can find further resources at www.vickitiede.com or follow her blog at www.vickitiede.com/blog.

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Get in the Recovery Zone

Originally posted at: https://themeadowsiop.wordpress.com/2016/08/11/get-in-the-recovery-zone/

by The Meadows Iop

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By Aleah Johnson, Alumni Coordinator at The Meadows

It’s hard to believe we are already halfway through summer! This time of year can be a glorious one for some and stressful one for others. Many people have kids who are out of school, family trips and vacations, and longer days with an abundance of activities to take part in.

With the heating up of temperatures and the heating up of schedules, we must make the time to take extra care of our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. This is especially true for people in recovery.

The Recovery Zones

At The Meadows, we encourage working the process of recovery zones. You may find yourself sliding in out of each of these zones throughout your recovery, and that’s okay! Anytime you feel that you are getting off track, take the time to assess and re-enter any of the zones.

Recovery Zone

Stay in the Zone!

Recovery has its challenges, but so does everyday life – life is in session and we all know that some days get ahead of us. Sometimes, “trust the process” is easier said than done. However, we must not let that skew our recovery. Don’t let one day throw you off track. It is important for us to stick to this path and stick to the journey.

Do what you can do to live a long and healthy life; this will help not only you, but also others in recovery. We have all spent too many past years being active in our lives but not actually living it with purpose; you are worthy of a life you love.

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This Is How You Change The World

Originally posted at: http://thoughtcatalog.com/%tc-coauthor%/2016/08/this-is-how-you-change-the-world/

by: Becca Martin

You change the world by being kind and empathetic. You change the world by being honest and by being compassionate. You change the world by giving without looking for a return. You change the world by doing the right thing and by being yourself. You change the world by finding a passion and pursing it. You change the world by being generous, forgiving and authentic.

You change the world by being kind to everyone you encounter, regardless of their skin color, race, religious beliefs and social or economic status. You treat the homeless man sitting outside your office with the same kindness you treat your coworkers with. You don’t judge people on their stories and their backgrounds. They might have made a few wrong decisions to end up where they are today, but everyone makes wrong decisions, but most of us are lucky enough to have people to help us fix them. You don’t act like you know their stories, but you’d be willing to listen. You’d be willing to ask how they’re doing and wait for a real answer. You wouldn’t make assumptions or belittle anyone, you would wish them the best and let them know you care.

You change the world by being honest and compassionate. You don’t lie your way out of things. You don’t place blame on someone else to save your own ass. You own your mistakes and you try to be as honest as possible because the world doesn’t need anymore liars and people throwing each other under the bus. The world needs more honest people that aren’t afraid to admit when they messed up. The world needs more people who care about how others feel instead of just being concerned with themselves. The world needs your honesty and the world needs your heart.

You change the world by giving without expecting anything in return. You find a organization you’re passionate about and you help them, you volunteer your time and you donate when you can. You don’t do it because you’re looking for a reward out of it, you do it because it’s the right thing to do and because you’ve been so blessed in this life time that it’s only right you give back. You give without expecting because once you start expecting things the reasoning behind the good you’re doing becomes corrupt.

You change the world by doing the right thing and being yourself. You change the world by standing tall in what you believe in and supporting that cause. You do what is right, you don’t act with violence or out of anger, and you act with kindness and with love in your heart. You dedicate time to find who you are and by being yourself you know what you believe in. You know what you’re passionate about and believe in those values. Do what is best for you, don’t be influenced by other’s decisions, find your thing and make your mark.

You change the world by finding your passion and pursing it. You change the world by being yourself and dedicating time into what you love. You change the world by pursing your passion and inspiring one person or a million people to follow their dreams, as well. You show others that it is possible if you put your mind to it. You should other’s how amazing life is when you do what you love everyday and they should never strive for anything less. You change the world by believing in what you do and doing it with all your heart.

You change the world by being generous, forgiving and authentic. You change the world by not being greedy. You help a friend when a friend is in need. You donate to a cause that you know will help those who need it. You give up your seat on the tram to the older woman who is standing. You pack an extra lunch for the homeless man outside your office. You change the world by thinking of other people besides yourself.

You change the world by not holding grudges and forgiving those who might not deserve it. You forgive them not for the sake of them, but the sake of yourself. You forgive them so you can move on and find peace.

You change the world by being authentic and not pretending to live perfectly inside a glass house. You inspire others when you’re honest and when you’re raw. You humanize yourself when you stop posting pictures of perfect beaches and the flawless smoky eye. You become real when you are authentic, when you stop trying to make the world think you’re perfect through the lens of a camera.

You change the world when you become the best version of yourself. It might take time; it might take the earth breaking you in order for you to grow bigger and better. It might take inspiration from someone important to you in order for you to see the bigger picture, but it is possible. It is possible to change the world, but in order to change the world you have to start by being the change.

Change the world one day at a time, one decision at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the world can’t be saved in a day, but you can start changing the world by being the best version of yourself possible.  Be the change, I believe in you.

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The God Who Stoops… And Stands

“Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ — ‘No, Lord,’ she said. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.'” (John 8:10-11 NLT)

Condemnation – the preferred commodity of Satan. He will repeat the adulterous woman scenario as often as you permit him to do so, marching you through the city streets and dragging your name through the mud. He pushes you into the center of the crowd and megaphones your sin:

This person was caught in the act of immorality … stupidity … dishonesty … irresponsibility.

But he will not have the last word. Jesus has acted on your behalf.

He stooped. Low enough to sleep in a manger, work in a carpentry shop, sleep in a fishing boat. Low enough to rub shoulders with crooks and lepers. Low enough to be spat upon, slapped, nailed, and speared. Low. Low enough to be buried.

And then he stood. Up from the slab of death. Upright in Joseph’s tomb and right in Satan’s face. Tall. High. He stood up for the woman and silenced her accusers, and he does the same for you.

He “is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us” (Rom. 8:34 MSG). Let this sink in for a moment. In the presence of God, in defiance of Satan, Jesus Christ rises to your defense. He takes on the role of a priest. “Since we have a great priest over God’s house, let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience” (Heb. 10:21–22 NCV).

A clean conscience. A clean record. A clean heart. Free from accusation. Free from condemnation. Not just for our past mistakes but also for our future ones.

“Since he will live forever, he will always be there to remind God that he has paid for [our] sins with his blood” (Heb. 7:25 TLB). Christ offers unending intercession on your behalf.

Jesus trumps the devil’s guilt with words of GRACE.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Second Chances.