originally posted at: http://www.psypost.org/2016/07/different-effects-stress-brains-men-women-related-empathy-43688
originally posted at: http://www.psypost.org/2016/07/different-effects-stress-brains-men-women-related-empathy-43688
Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/4-myths-wives-porn-addicts/
August 16, 2016 by Vicki Tiede
The world finds lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography not only acceptable, but something to be elevated and encouraged, because they’ve embraced the belief that if anyone is being hurt, it’s only the person looking at porn. This is a lie. A wife is part of the collateral damage that’s resulted from her husband’s addiction.
There are four misconceptions that many hold about pornography addiction and the betrayed wife. Being aware of these myths will help you improve your counseling strategy to these women.
It’s likely you don’t have to search your memory very far back to recall the last wife who sat in your office talking about her husband’s addiction to pornography. I’d like to tell you what she probably didn’t say in that counseling session.
She didn’t tell you that while she appreciates the help her husband is getting, inside she’s screaming, “What about me? I didn’t choose this! He broke my heart for porn!”
She didn’t tell you her husband’s “secret sin” has now become her own dirty little secret. Fear of judgment and additional repercussions for her and her family prevent her from sharing her pain with others.
She didn’t tell you that she blames herself—that when her husband turns to images of other women to meet his sexual needs, she believes there must be something wrong with her. She feels rejected and inadequate. She also feels responsible to fix this somehow.
She probably didn’t tell you that she is afraid. She’s afraid that …
Though the fabric of her life may feel like it’s unraveling, she needs assurance that God is able to meet her in the center of her pain and that there is always hope in Jesus. He will comfort her in her grief, and He will be her strength in this battle. This is not the matrimonial trip of a lifetime that she had planned. In fact, much has been lost. She needs you to give her opportunities to name and grieve those losses. Some of those losses may be obvious (financial security, employment, health), while others may be less tangible, like trust, respect, and self-worth.
When I say “grieve” those losses, I mean grieve. Hand her a box of tissues and assure her that our God is big enough to handle her tears, then listen. This isn’t the time for well-intended, but unhelpful, spiritual platitudes. She longs to hear that she’s not alone and that though you don’t have all the answers, you’re so glad she told you the truth about what’s going on. I’ve learned that we can only praise God to the degree we have lamented. Once she’s grieved her losses, she’s in a better position to set aside her own agenda and accept the path God has set for her for this time.
No wife is to blame for her husband’s addiction to pornography. Each of us bears the responsibility for our own choices. She needs to hear that she can’t control her husband’s choices, nor can she do anything to fix this for him. She can only take care of her business with Christ, live according to God’s Word, and work with you (a counselor or pastor) on her damaged heart.
During the initial stages of ministry to the wife of a porn addict, a wife must be assured that her husband’s enslavement to pornography is his responsibility. It is not her fault. She should never be led to think that his addiction has to do with her appearance, her bedroom performance, or her availability.
This does not mean that the wife is perfect. Later in the healing process—after she has had ample time (months, not weeks) to reveal her heart, grieve the layers of losses, become part of a support network, and understand that God is able to handle this—you can help the wife engage in some constructive, self-examination to determine if there’s some things that she has done to contribute to his addiction. She might consider her reactions to his current progress and current choices, whether she’s withdrawing emotionally, if she’s using past sins against him, etc. But foremost, she must understand that her husband’s choice to view pornography is not about her.
Just because the habit is over, doesn’t mean the havoc is over.
Trust is an asset we don’t fully appreciate until we don’t have it in a relationship. Before she was aware of her husband’s addiction, she probably didn’t give trust a second thought. Since the discovery and the awareness that lies had covered up her ability to see what he was doing in the past, now she conjures up countless possibilities in her mind every time her husband walks out the door.
Let’s consider for a moment what possessed her husband to lie in the first place. He lied because …
Ultimately, it backfired. Lies are a tool of the devil because they kill trust.
Trust will either be built or destroyed in the countless choices the wife and her husband make moment by moment. His behaviors will become her trust barometer. If he wants to demonstrate his trustworthiness, and he is making right choices, he will have no problem being accountable and undergoing a reasonable degree of scrutiny. If, however, he insists that she should simply “get over it” and take his word that he’s “done doing that,” and he resists accountability, she needs to be cautious about trusting. This is a direct indication that he is not serious about healing from his addiction and restoring trust in their marriage.
Understanding her husband’s history with pornography, what triggers her husband’s behavior, and what he’s looking for from porn is helpful to know, but it’s insufficient. While it’s absolutely necessary for there to be a focus on the husband’s habit, the unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife. She has a deeply wounded heart that also requires attention if there is hope of a restored marriage.
The unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife.
When you’re meeting with the wife of a man with a porn sin issue, assure her that her broken heart matters, then help her build a small tribe of safe support.
Help her build a small tribe of safe support.
Heart healing needs to come first. It is beautiful when a wife can take the broken pieces of her heart and make them available to the Master Restorer, who will take those pieces and make something stunning. Psalm 147:3 (ESV) assures us that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” When her heart is whole, she is then in the perfect position to contribute to an environment of healing in her marriage.
Sam Hodges and Kathy Leonard provide additional tips on ministering to a betrayed wife in “My Husband Is Having Online Affairs. Help Me, Pastor!” where they share the story of Sarah, whose husband engaged in online pornography and cybersex.
Vicki Tiede, MEd, MMin, is a Bible teacher, conference speaker, and author. Vicki is uniquely qualified to minister to women whose husbands are addicted to pornography because of her own experience of being that wife in her first marriage. Vicki has written Your Husband is Addicted to Porn (mini-book) and When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart in addition to writing and contributing to six other books. Through her ministry, Vicki offers online, video-conferencing support groups for wives. You can find further resources at www.vickitiede.com or follow her blog at www.vickitiede.com/blog.
In today’s world, porn addiction is the most common form of sexual addiction. Without doubt, this is thanks to the Internet, which offers an almost endless supply of free, easily and anonymously accessible erotic imagery of every ilk imaginable. For porn addicts, the Internet is a bit like dropping an alcoholic in a liquor store and saying, “Everything is free, drink as much as you like, and nobody will know what you’ve been up to.”
In general, porn addiction is defined based on the same criteria as every other addiction:
Research tells us that active porn addicts typically spend at least eleven hours per week with pornography. And many compulsive porn users say they “lose themselves” in porn for double or even triple that amount of time. Unsurprisingly, most of these hours are spent online, with addicts perusing traditional porn websites, tube sites, dating sites, social media, hookup apps, etc., constantly searching for the perfect image or video, or at least the newest image or video. Yes, traditional forms of pornography still exist—magazines, books, DVDs, adult bookstores, adult theaters, and the like—but digital-era porn addicts nearly always prefer the anonymity, affordability, accessibility, and, most of all, the never-ending variety they can find online.
Common signs that porn use has escalated into porn addiction include:
Sadly, most porn addicts are reluctant to seek help for their problem, often because they don’t view their solo sexual behaviors as an underlying source of their ever-increasing life problems. Other times, porn addicts keep quiet because they are too ashamed of their behavior to openly discuss it. Sometimes, as consequences begin to mount, compulsive porn users seek treatment for their addiction’s related symptoms (relationship woes, depression, social isolation, and the like) rather than the porn problem itself. In such cases, these individuals may attend therapy and other 12-step groups for months or even years without ever mentioning or being asked about porn use. As such, their core issue remains underground and untreated, and their symptoms grow worse instead of better.
Written By: Robert Weiss
Originally posted at: http://thoughtcatalog.com/%tc-coauthor%/2016/08/this-is-how-you-change-the-world/
by: Becca Martin
You change the world by being kind and empathetic. You change the world by being honest and by being compassionate. You change the world by giving without looking for a return. You change the world by doing the right thing and by being yourself. You change the world by finding a passion and pursing it. You change the world by being generous, forgiving and authentic.
You change the world by being kind to everyone you encounter, regardless of their skin color, race, religious beliefs and social or economic status. You treat the homeless man sitting outside your office with the same kindness you treat your coworkers with. You don’t judge people on their stories and their backgrounds. They might have made a few wrong decisions to end up where they are today, but everyone makes wrong decisions, but most of us are lucky enough to have people to help us fix them. You don’t act like you know their stories, but you’d be willing to listen. You’d be willing to ask how they’re doing and wait for a real answer. You wouldn’t make assumptions or belittle anyone, you would wish them the best and let them know you care.
You change the world by being honest and compassionate. You don’t lie your way out of things. You don’t place blame on someone else to save your own ass. You own your mistakes and you try to be as honest as possible because the world doesn’t need anymore liars and people throwing each other under the bus. The world needs more honest people that aren’t afraid to admit when they messed up. The world needs more people who care about how others feel instead of just being concerned with themselves. The world needs your honesty and the world needs your heart.
You change the world by giving without expecting anything in return. You find a organization you’re passionate about and you help them, you volunteer your time and you donate when you can. You don’t do it because you’re looking for a reward out of it, you do it because it’s the right thing to do and because you’ve been so blessed in this life time that it’s only right you give back. You give without expecting because once you start expecting things the reasoning behind the good you’re doing becomes corrupt.
You change the world by doing the right thing and being yourself. You change the world by standing tall in what you believe in and supporting that cause. You do what is right, you don’t act with violence or out of anger, and you act with kindness and with love in your heart. You dedicate time to find who you are and by being yourself you know what you believe in. You know what you’re passionate about and believe in those values. Do what is best for you, don’t be influenced by other’s decisions, find your thing and make your mark.
You change the world by finding your passion and pursing it. You change the world by being yourself and dedicating time into what you love. You change the world by pursing your passion and inspiring one person or a million people to follow their dreams, as well. You show others that it is possible if you put your mind to it. You should other’s how amazing life is when you do what you love everyday and they should never strive for anything less. You change the world by believing in what you do and doing it with all your heart.
You change the world by being generous, forgiving and authentic. You change the world by not being greedy. You help a friend when a friend is in need. You donate to a cause that you know will help those who need it. You give up your seat on the tram to the older woman who is standing. You pack an extra lunch for the homeless man outside your office. You change the world by thinking of other people besides yourself.
You change the world by not holding grudges and forgiving those who might not deserve it. You forgive them not for the sake of them, but the sake of yourself. You forgive them so you can move on and find peace.
You change the world by being authentic and not pretending to live perfectly inside a glass house. You inspire others when you’re honest and when you’re raw. You humanize yourself when you stop posting pictures of perfect beaches and the flawless smoky eye. You become real when you are authentic, when you stop trying to make the world think you’re perfect through the lens of a camera.
You change the world when you become the best version of yourself. It might take time; it might take the earth breaking you in order for you to grow bigger and better. It might take inspiration from someone important to you in order for you to see the bigger picture, but it is possible. It is possible to change the world, but in order to change the world you have to start by being the change.
Change the world one day at a time, one decision at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the world can’t be saved in a day, but you can start changing the world by being the best version of yourself possible. Be the change, I believe in you.
Full article for purchase at: http://www.nature.com/npp/journal/v41/n9/full/npp201621a.html
“…the mesolimbic dopamine (DA) system may have an integral role in the pathophysiology associated with childhood stress. Unfortunately, while many human and animal studies have documented profound disruptions of DA signaling associated with a wide range of chronic early-life stressors…”
“The nucleus accumbens (NAc) is known to have a critical role in motivated behaviors and reward seeking via modulation of DA levels. Additionally, the NAc is implicated in the modulation of stress and anxiety like negative affective behaviors. Kappa opioid receptors (KORs) are located presynaptically on DA terminals and suppress DA release in the NAc…Previous data suggest that exposure to chronic stress, such as repeated withdrawal from chronic intermittent ethanol (CIE) exposure, leads to prolonged activation of KORs, possibly contributing to reduced DA function, which is positively correlated with negative affect.”
Early-Life Social Isolation Stress Increases Kappa Opioid Receptor Responsiveness and Downregulates the Dopamine System
Anushree N Karkhanis, et. al. – Neuropsychopharmacology (2016), 1–12
Anushree N Karkhanis, Jamie H Rose, Jeffrey L Weiner and Sara R Jones
Chronic early-life stress increases vulnerability to alcoholism and anxiety disorders during adulthood. Similarly, rats reared in social isolation (SI) during adolescence exhibit augmented ethanol intake and anxiety-like behaviors compared with group housed (GH) rats. Prior studies suggest that disruption of dopamine (DA) signaling contributes to SI-associated behaviors, although the mechanisms underlying these alterations are not fully understood. Kappa opioid receptors (KORs) have an important role in regulating mesolimbic DA signaling, and other kinds of stressors have been shown to augment KOR function. Therefore, we tested the hypothesis that SI-induced increases in KOR function contribute to the dysregulation of NAc DA and the escalation in ethanol intake associated with SI. Our ex vivo voltammetry experiments showed that the inhibitory effects of the kappa agonist U50,488 on DA release were significantly enhanced in the NAc core and shell of SI rats. Dynorphin levels in NAc tissue were observed to be lower in SI rats. Microdialysis in freely moving rats revealed that SI was also associated with reduced baseline DA levels, and pretreatment with the KOR antagonist nor-binaltorphimine (nor-BNI) increased DA levels selectively in SI subjects. Acute ethanol elevated DA in SI and GH rats and nor-BNI pretreatment augmented this effect in SI subjects, while having no effect on ethanol-stimulated DA release in GH rats. Together, these data suggest that KORs may have increased responsiveness following SI, which could lead to hypodopaminergia and contribute to an increased drive to consume ethanol. Indeed, SI rats exhibited greater ethanol intake and preference and KOR blockade selectively attenuated ethanol intake in SI rats. Collectively, the findings that nor-BNI reversed SI-mediated hypodopaminergic state and escalated ethanol intake suggest that KOR antagonists may represent a promising therapeutic strategy for the treatment of alcohol use disorders, particularly in cases linked to chronic early-life stress.
This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.