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childhood sexual abuse

July 31, 2021 By Castimonia

How Childhood Sexual Abuse Causes Physical And Mental Health Problems In Adults

Originally posted at: https://lookingforthelight.blog/2021/05/07/how-childhood-sexual-abuse-causes-physical-and-mental-health-problems-in-adults/

Carrying trauma from your childhood is so draining and it has far-reaching effects on your physical and mental health. Many people experience flashbacks and PTSD symptoms after surviving sexual abuse as a child, but often, the impact is less direct. Even those that do not think about the abuse itself that much and assume that they are not affected by the trauma that much may experience a range of mental and physical health issues. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse do not always connect the dots and they don’t realize that the issues they experience are related to their trauma.

Understanding what potential issues can be caused in adulthood can help survivors recognize when their trauma is affecting them. These are some of the most common physical and mental health issues caused by childhood sexual abuse. 

Depression

Depression is one of the most common mental health issues we face right now and there are a lot of reasons why people develop it in the first place. However, studies show that there is a strong correlation between people that experienced abuse as a child and people that suffer from serious depressive disorders. As an adult, attending depression counseling can help manage the symptoms and you may even be able to start unpacking some of that trauma.

However, research suggests that early intervention to support children is the key to avoiding this issue in later life. 

Substance Abuse And Eating Disorders 

Dangerous behaviors like substance abuse, [sexual addiction], and eating disorders are also more prevalent in survivors of childhood sexual abuse. The symptoms of trauma are often difficult to manage, especially if the survivor does not have the support that they need. Many sexual abuse survivors also suffer from other mental health issues and it’s common for them to self medicate with alcohol. [sex], or drugs. Eating disorders are often a way of gaining control over one aspect of their life because a person feels so out of control in other areas. 

Sexual Confusion

Sexual confusion is incredibly common in male survivors of childhood sexual assault. Boys that are abused by older men when they are too young to understand sexuality will be confused about whether they are homosexual or not. This confusion remains as they grow older and it can make it incredibly difficult for them to form meaningful relationships. 

Obesity 

We think of obesity as a fairly straightforward problem; if you eat too much, you gain weight. But it’s far more complicated than that and childhood sexual abuse often has a role to play. During a weight loss study, it was discovered that many of the participants that struggled to stop overeating had been abused as children. Further research in the area has shown that there is a direct correlation between obesity and childhood sexual abuse. 

If we are ever to deal with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and help survivors regain power over their lives, it is important that we understand just how much impact it has in adulthood. These are some of the most common ways that sexual abuse manifests in adulthood, but there are countless other health issues that it can cause.  

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Filed Under: General Meeting Information Tagged With: childhood, childhood sexual abuse, porn, Sex, sex addiction, sexual abuse

January 29, 2017 By Castimonia

My Husband Is A Sex Addict. Here’s How I Found Out And Dealt With Him.

Although he hadn’t left me yet, I was already alone.

When I mustered the courage to ask my husband of 16 years if he was having an affair, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “It was just an escape. It will be over with one phone call. You and I are still going to grow old together.” I accepted this explanation. He was crying, for God’s sake. And then there was that line about love in our retirement years. The performance was totally believable.

In reality, our whole life was a performance. We appeared to be a wholesome, book-loving, middle-class pair. We had three beautiful daughters, ages 9, 6 and 2. One friend thought we seemed so compatible that she always asked after Jeff with the line, “How’s your soul mate?” I guess you could say we were the perfect couple. But it seems my overly trusting nature enabled his excessive lying.

You see, my husband led a double life.

I don’t know when he went off the rails. I do know that he got so good at lying that no one — not his family, not our friends, not our marriage counselor and most certainly not I — suspected that he had two separate lives.

On the surface, he was always smiling, well-dressed and charming to strangers and friends alike. Underneath, however, his life revolved around sex—affairs with real, live women, voyeurism and exhibitionism, and paid services that ran the gamut. Extensive business travel allowed him to pursue undetected what I later came to recognize was an unquenchable sex addiction.

There were warning signs, but I ignored them. The most significant were the interminable lulls in our love life. But I was able to rationalize them when he said things like, “I’m worried that I might not get that promotion” or, “I’m angry that you spent so much money on that dress.”

I never suspected infidelity. Jeff had intimacy issues stemming from abuse by a female teacher that began when he was only 9. He had my empathy, my kindness, my patience, my love. I believed he couldn’t be with anyone but me.

I was jolted out of my ignorance when I stumbled across an awkward e-mail exchange between Jeff and a work associate named Molly. The conversation seemed innocent enough until I read, “After you brief me on the meeting, you can ‘debrief’ me again in my hotel room.” How juvenile, I thought. Then I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Leaning over the sink, I realized I was chanting out loud, “How could he, how could he, how could he?”

I jumped when I heard the tiny voice of my 2-year-old outside the door: “Who are you talking to, Mommy?”

“Just myself. I’m okay honey,” I heard myself answer. No I’m not, I thought.

Suddenly moments of unease I had suppressed over the years threatened to rise to the surface: Finding the phone book open to “Massage” even though he professed not to like strangers touching him. Sensing how angry a friend was after the bachelor party Jeff threw her husband. Discovering him furtively peering into a neighbor’s apartment window. Feeling hostility from certain women in his office.

Reality was seeping into my veins, but I wasn’t ready to accept it. So I quickly returned to the sweet oblivion of denial. This was easy enough given my husband’s ability to live out a lie. He did acknowledge what he called an “inappropriate friendship” with Molly, but then set about making things right in a textbook-perfect manner—couples counseling, elaborate dates and a brand new passion in bed.

He could tell the most outrageous lie without flinching, fidgeting or looking away.

And so, after convincing me of his renewed commitment to our marriage, we moved on. After a few months, Jeff’s company offered him a two-year expatriate assignment in Stockholm, Sweden.

I understood why he wanted to go; the move represented a quantum leap forward in his career. But I had serious reservations—the winters were cold and dark, I’d have to put my own career on hold and, deep down, I suspected that our marriage couldn’t survive the stress of living in a foreign country. Eventually, I was seduced into agreement when he told me that “Sweden would be the perfect place to reinvent our marriage.”

Jeff’s “commitment” to our healing disappeared almost as soon as we touched down in Scandinavia. Bucking Sweden’s family-friendly trend toward shorter working hours, he went into the office each morning at 6 a.m. and didn’t come home until 9 p.m. During family meals together, he would barely speak or look me in the eye. He grew a messy beard and lost about 20 pounds. He was the one who cheated; why did he seem depressed?

Once again, I had a vague sense of dread, but no proof of infidelity. Then one day he left his laptop open while he took a shower. I found another e-mail to Molly, this time implying that he would be free of our marriage as soon as we returned to the States.

“Have you been planning to leave me this whole time?” I gasped, the truth starting to catch up to me.

“Why did you have to look at my e-mail?” he accused.

“What difference would it have made if I hadn’t?” I asked.

He told me it would have made a “huge difference.” I suppose that meant he would have carried on with his two separate lives a while longer. I guess I forced his hand.

The next day, I told him I decided I could get past his affair.

“I don’t want forgiveness,” he said.

“Why not?” I said.

“Because you’d be better off without me. I’ve never been faithful to you. Not ever.” And then, for the first time, Jeff told the truth.

He said he had been living two entirely separate lives for years. He called it his “sad, sad story.” There was an array of infidelities: When he did a favor for Daisy, the older woman whose driveway we’d rented when we owned a co-op, she’d perform fellatio on him as a “thank you.” He’d had an affair with Kristen, a secretary from work who was known for her drunken office party flirtations with married men. Another secretary named Marin “stood between his legs” at a bar while I was away on a business trip and, since “no one had ever done that before,” he had sex with her… on four separate occasions.

He described how his addiction had evolved. He had been an athlete, an avid reader, an involved father. But eventually, he spent all his free time in Internet chat rooms, at massage parlors with “happy endings,” on call girls, prostitutes and, one time, a dominatrix.

He would masturbate in his car where a woman might briefly catch a glimpse of him. He had fantasies of violent and demeaning sex with former girlfriends. He tried to watch neighbors getting dressed through their windows. When he came home late from a business meeting, he was really having sex. When he went for an early morning run, he was having sex. When he went out for coffee during my C-section recovery in the hospital, he was having sex.

Jeff said that his behavior accelerated and got more risky over time. This was part of the thrill. And, just like an alcoholic or a gambling addict, he’d have almost immediate regret afterward. He had the insight to admit that much of his behavior was not physically gratifying, but a means to release anger at the female abuser of his childhood. When you think of it that way, I guess his leaving me celibate for weeks at a time was a blessing in disguise.

When he finished his confession, I was in shock. Slowly, I started to feel anger, and then incredible sorrow. But there was another part of me whose heart broke for the little boy who had been hurt so long ago and had spent his entire life trying to exorcise those demons.

I read about sex addiction and discovered that there was a chance for a “cure,” and even hope for the marriage if he would commit himself to serious therapy, three times a week. I prayed that he would try to get well for both our sakes, and for our children.

When my oldest daughter started to notice that something was wrong, he finally agreed to go to a psychologist. He went once a week…and I waited to see if the man I thought I knew would come back to me.

In the meantime, however, it took a different kind of betrayal to shake me out of my denial for good. Our youngest daughter went to the hospital in Sweden, and doctors diagnosed her with a serious illness. I thought for sure that Jeff and I would put our other issues aside and pull together for her sake. But he couldn’t acknowledge that her life was in jeopardy, and was prepared to go back to work the next day. A sick child was simply more than he could handle.

As he turned and walked out the door of the intensive care unit, his face told me everything I needed to know. Although he hadn’t left me yet, I was already alone.

In that moment, I could see Jeff clearly for the first time: He is a man who would have continued to conduct two parallel lives if I hadn’t caught him. In his reality, a difficult childhood is a good enough reason to run roughshod over someone else’s heart. That reality is where he lives to this day. I am relieved to say I no longer live there with him. [tc-mark]

 

 

 

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, childhood sexual abuse, christian, co-dependency, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual abuse, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, strippers, trauma

January 25, 2016 By Castimonia

3 Secrets to “Immunize” Kids from Adult Material

by Kristen Jenson

How do you immunize kids against porn? How do you porn-proof so your kids stay safe online?  It’s no different than the many other dangers you train your kids to deal with–first you warn them, but then you’ve got to practice “what you preach” so they can react appropriately when they are exposed. It’s kind of like a fire drill. First you teach them about the potential for danger; then you teach them how to get out of the house safely.

Beyond Warning

I believe that warning them is a great first step, and a boatload of kudos to you proactive parents who open a dialogue with your kids about pornography.

But may I suggest that you don’t stop there? Arm your kids with a warning, but follow up with the skills they need to protect their brains. It’s like building any kind of immunity–first you need the knowledge about good nutrition, exercise, cleanliness, and medical options, but then you’ve actually got to practice those good habits until they become skills.

Media defense skills empower kids to reject pornography and keep it from dominating their thoughts.

When bullies taunted me at school, my mom gave me some tools to deal with them. (She happens to be one of the funniest people you’ll ever meet. In fact, once her smart-alecky humor almost got us kicked off a tour bus in Hawaii! But that’s another story.) The witty verbal retorts she recommended often left my tormentors scratching their heads and looking dumbfounded. Pretty soon, the bullies left me alone. I was grateful for my mom’s bullying defense skills.

Adults Underestimate the Pull of Porn

Even good kids who have had plenty of warnings to stay away from pornography still succumb. A study out of Switzerland documents what I believe it true the world over–parents simply underestimate their kids’ online exposure to pornography. They underestimate the enticing pull of these images–especially for kids who don’t know how to deal with the shocking memories they create.

Media Defense Skills

So here are three super simple, but super powerful, media defense skills to help kids supercharge their immunity to porn.


1. You’ve got TWO brains!
 Teaching kids they have two brains–the feeling brain and the thinking brain–is empowering for all kinds of growing up skills (which we explain in greater detail in Good Pictures Bad Pictures). The feeling brain is all about instinct, appetites and desires, and all of these are critical to survival. Pornography activates the feeling brain and, over time, can give it power to hijack the thinking brain—that part of the brain that understands consequences and puts the brake on our appetites. It may be helpful for kids to see their thinking brain as a super hero that needs to triumph over their feeling brain, the brain that is very curious about seeing pictures of naked people. Read more about teaching kids that they have two brains in my post: You Have Two Brains! 

2. Name it when you see it. “That’s pornography!” is a powerful phrase because it activates the pre-frontal cortex and revs up the thinking brain to take charge. If a child looks at a pornographic picture and thinks, “Wow! She’s exciting!” or “He’s hot!”—this response can easily lead to looking for more porn. But if kids are trained to say, “That’s pornography!” (and can practice saying it with their family), it wakes them up to the danger of what they’re seeing and the importance of rejecting it immediately. Read more about the power of this skill in my post entitled How to Avoid the Slippery Slope of Gateway Porn.

3. Practice the art of distraction. Pornographic images are extremely memorable. Especially for kids whose mirror neurons make the images feel all the more real. So when kids see anything that arouses their interest (it could be a scantily clad actress in a movie or a model in a bikini), those images are hard to forget. They keep popping up and enticing a child to look for more. Kids need to know this will happen and be prepared to distract themselves (or to get you to help them) every time the images reappear. It’s especially helpful to engage in something physical that requires their mind’s full attention. As they practice the art of distraction, those images will begin to fade as the neural pathway to that image erodes and weakens. Find out more about this skill in my post: Teach Kids Two Ways to “Forget” Porn.

These Skills Work!

It’s ironic (but not surprising) that as I’ve done research online for Good Pictures Bad Pictures, I’ve been exposed to more porn. Thankfully, these same media defense skills work for adults, too! By practicing them, those images have faded from my memory.

Shameless plug!

Good Pictures Bad Pictures includes an easy to remember 5-point CAN DO Plan for kids to employ when they see pornography. Subscribe to our PornProof Kids blog and get this free printable poster to give your kids the media defense skills they need. (Click on the Home Tab in the menu bar above and then look for the FOLLOW BLOG VIA EMAIL on the RIGHT sidebar. P.S. If you received this blog in an email, you’re already subscribed. If you’re already subscribed, but haven’t received a free printable poster, email us at pornproofkids@gmail.com.)

You would never expect your child to be successful in school without learning the skills of reading and basic math. In the same way, kids cannot be expected to be successful at avoiding the traps of pornography without these simple but powerful media defense skills.

Have you taught your kids about pornography and how to manage their thoughts? How have your kids responded? Please leave a question or share a story. Thanks!

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, childhood abuse, childhood sexual abuse, children, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, trauma

November 17, 2015 By Castimonia

What I Don’t Know

This post was shared as a topic for our Barrayo Men’s Group.  Barrayo is a support group for men who were sexually abused as children.  It meets on Tuesday nights at 7pm.  This is a very powerful group dealing with a very powerful issue.  Healing from childhood sexual abuse is paramount to our overall healing, including that of sexual impurity/addiction.  Please contact Barrayo@Merimnao.org for more information on this group.
What I Don’t Know

By Cecil Murphey 

I don’t know the answers to every problem—even though I may sound as if I do. I don’t understand why some of us gain victory almost immediately and for others it takes years. I don’t know why some male survivors fall back in their old patterns and some never do.

I wish I could give perfect answers to every dilemma and shine a bright light on every dark path. I don’t always have enough light for my own path. Even when I know the answer for myself, I sometimes fail to live up to my convictions.

I do know this, however. It’s shameful to admit when we’ve failed, especially after we’ve determined not to repeat our wrong behavior. And that can refer to anything that impedes our progress.
Almost as bad is to fail and deny it. We’re ashamed and try to hide the fact. Or we make excuses for ourselves by blaming circumstances or saying, “Yes, but if he hadn’t . . . ” Such negative responses mean we by-pass a chance for healing.

Admitting each tiny step in the wrong direction can be one positive, small-but-powerful step toward full recovery. 

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, child abuse, child molester, child sex abuse, childhood, childhood abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, trauma

July 31, 2015 By Castimonia

Talking to Your Kids about Sexual Abuse

Ways of Approaching the Conversation

by Sandra Kim (linked above)

1. Frame the conversation for yourself as a way of loving your child: Starting from a loving place and not a scared place will help create the calm environment for your child. This will help them really listen to the words you’re saying. If you’re frightened and stressed, they will react primarily to that fear and not register what you’re saying as much. It’s also important to not treat the subject like its taboo or dirty (which is how we often treat anything related to sex). Even when parents try to hide their feelings, children are often very perceptive and pick up on small cues telling them that something is wrong. They then may think talking about someone hurting them might be wrong even if you say it’s not. So speak from a calm, casual, and loving frame of mind when having these conversations.

2. Begin talking to them as young as 2 years old: This may seem very early but children under 12 are most at risk at 4 years old. Even if they can’t speak well, children at this age are busy figuring out the world. And they certainly understand and remember a lot more than adults usually realize. For example, when giving a bath, tell them where their private parts are and that the parent is seeing and touching them to clean them but that normally nobody should.

3. Teach them the actual names of their private parts: When you begin teaching them parts of their body like ears, eyes, and toes, also teach them the real names of their private parts like “vagina” and “penis” and not their “cute” names. This gives them the right words to use if someone is hurting them and makes sure the person being told understands what’s happening. It’s also important to teach both female and male anatomy because the abuser can be of either gender and they need to know how to describe what happens to them. In one case, a child told her parent that her stomach was hurting. When they took her to the doctor, he informed them that her vagina showed signs of rape. Their little daughter had been trying to tell them what was happening but she just didn’t know what to call her vagina so she said stomach instead.

4. Share the only instances when their private parts can be seen and touched: An age appropriate concept for a young child to understand is that nobody – including a parent or caregiver – should see or touch their private parts – what a swimming suit covers up – unless they’re keeping them clean, safe, or healthy. But also make sure they know that even in these situations, if someone is hurting them, they can still say, “stop, it hurts” and tell their parent immediately. Some examples to help them understand what you’re talking about are when you’re giving them a bath or a doctor is seeing them. Ask them if that’s an example of keeping them clean, safe, or healthy as you’re doing it.

5. Teach them their private parts are special: When talking about this topic, it’s important to not create a taboo or dirty feeling around their private parts. Instead parents can teach their child that their private parts are so special that they’re just for them and no one else. Only when needing to keep their private parts clean, safe, or healthy are other people allowed to see or touch them. This is also an important step to help children develop a healthy sexuality before discussing sex itself with them.

6. Teach them (and respect) their right to control their bodies: This flies in the face of what we often teach our children – that adults have absolute authority over everything and children have to do what they’re told. The problem is that this only teaches them to not speak up when they’re feeling hurt and scared because of what an adult is telling them to do. Instead, teach your child that their body is theirs and no one has the right to hurt their bodies even when a grown up is doing it. For children, it’s very empowering to have permission to say “no” to an adult if they’re uncomfortable with the request. For example, when you’re at a social event, don’t make your child kiss or hug anyone. Instead let your child know they can give a kiss, hug, handshake, or nothing to people they see and it’s entirely up to them. And when an adult tries to make them give them a hug and they don’t want to, encourage the child to say “no” and support their decision verbally if needed.

7. Explain that no one should physically hurt them, especially in their private parts. 85% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone they know. It may be a parent, relative, family friend, neighbor, teacher, or religious leader. It may be a man, woman, or another child. It can be anyone. No one unfortunately is on the safe list. In fact, children are most vulnerable with the family members and acquaintances. So make sure your child knows that no one can hurt their bodies no matter who they’re with – even when they’re with their mommy or daddy. It’s also important that they understand you’re talking to them about this because you love them and want them to be safe. Just like you teach them about crossing the road because they might get hit by a car, you’re also teaching them that someone might sexually hurt them. It doesn’t mean it will happen. But in case someone tries to, your child will know they can say “no, stop that” and tell you what happened without you being upset with them.

8. Encourage them to trust their gut around their safety: While parents shouldn’t instill a fear of people in their child, they should support their child in trusting their gut instinct. By trusting their intuition, children will both be more empowered around making their own choices about who’s safe instead of relying on a parent telling them. This is important because a parent won’t always be there with them. One way is to tell the child before social events that if they ever feel uncomfortable with someone – even if nothing has happened, they should leave the room and tell their parent. Even if it looks “rude,” they should know that they will not be punished for simply leaving the room. Their sense of safety comes before the need to be “polite.”

9. Explain that a secret is still a secret when shared with the parents: Many abusers tell their child victims that what happened was a secret and to not tell anyone, especially their parents. So it’s important to teach them early on that secrets are still kept secret if they tell their mom or dad. Additionally, they should understand anyone who wants them to keep secrets from their parents shouldn’t be trusted and they should definitely tell their parents about it.

10. Tell them that you will believe them if someone is hurting them and they won’t be in trouble: Many abusers tell their victims that no one will believe them and create a sense of shame around what happened. Children in general, usually blame themselves and take responsibility for things that happen in their lives, regardless of who’s actually responsible for it. Given this, children often fear what their parent will do if they tell them, including being punished. Make sure they know without a doubt that you won’t be upset, that they’ve done the right thing, and that you’re proud of them for telling them the truth.

Related Posts: 10 Signs of Child Abuse and Neglect, How to Document Concerns about Child Abuse, and 8 Notes on Counseling Abused Children

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, child abuse, child sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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