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Five Stages of Recovery

originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

In 1983, Prochaska, DiClemente, and Norcross created the transtheoretical model of recovery to help people break free from the habit of smoking cigarettes. Their work quickly caught on and has been adapted to treatment for general addictions. Updated in 1992, the model informs the progress men and women seek in overcoming a myriad of unwanted behaviors. 

Stage 1 – Precontemplation. Here, the addict is not even thinking about getting well.

Stage 2 – Contemplation. Now, the addict is at least considering his dilemma and need for help.

Stage 3 – Preparation. The addict puts a plan of action into place.

Stage 4 – Action. Finally, the addict takes specific steps toward recovery.

Stage 5 – Maintenance. The addict commits to a lifetime plan of sustaining sobriety. 

This is a useful model for recovery, which continues to be utilized in settings throughout the world. And while I love this model and often use it with my clients, I also find value in the simple words of the Apostle Paul: “Put off your old self” (Ephesians 4:22).

Recovery Step: Learn all you can about the process of recovery. Then make the decision to change.

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Why Codependents Let The Right Person Slip Away

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/why-codependents-let-the-right-person-slip-away/

Codependents often pursue inconsistent and unhealthy partners due to early emotional conditioning, low self-worth, and familiarity with unpredictability. This behavior stems from childhood experiences where love was scarce and complex. Consequently, they overlook emotionally available partners, mistaking stability for dullness, leading to regret for missed opportunities with genuinely loving individuals.

Why We Are Attracted to the Wrong People

It is often mystifying for us as humans, just who we are attracted to. There are many factors that go into that process and we are not in control of all of them (even though we think we are). Many of us will look at our lives and rue “the one that got away”. That decision we did or didn’t make that would have changed things romantically. Of course, we will never know if it would have worked out the way we envisage but the fantasy we surround it in, will always leave us with a tinge of regret, and it happens to all of us. Looking at it through codependent eyes, the less available someone is, the more attractive they seem to be, but why?

How Codependency Begins in Childhood

This can be answered partly because codependency doesn’t begin in adult relationships, starting much earlier. It is formed in childhood environments where the things a child needs to develop, love, approval and attention, were given inconsistently or not at all. For many budding codependents, affection was something that didn’t feel freely given or felt steady and as children, they had no idea of the impact of this. They had to earn the things that should have come naturally. They were hyper vigilant looking for times when it could be withdrawn at a moments notice. This taught them to scan and read the room, the face, tone and the mood. Being highly attuned to others was how they survived and coped and that does not simply disappear because the child becomes an adult.

Why Healthy Love Feels Flat to a Codependent

What happens in adulthood is that calm, available, emotionally stable people do not create the same internal reaction. They may be kind, engaging, respectful and clear on boundaries but they do nothing for the old mechanism. To a healthy nervous system, this would be reassuring, but as there is no guessing, chasing, confusion, no emotional peaks and troughs, it feels rather flat to a codependent. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the person, but the codependent body and mind has been conditioned to equate intensity with meaning. The codependent will often claim they want peace but when peace arrives, they don’t know what to do with it.

Why Inconsistency Feels So Attractive

For a codependent, the above explains why inconsistency is so magnetic. The emotionally unavailable, wounded, self absorbent, the controlling or the cruel have a familiar and old ring to them. The uncertainty offered by these people is deeply familiar to codependents. It resembles something like home and the emotional climate where they first learned what “love” was. That is the real tragedy that they often move towards what is familiar, rather than what is good for them.

Low Self-Worth and the Need to Earn Love

Another aspect of this is the question of value. A person who arrives in a codependent’s life who is steady and treats them well, leaves the codependent with very little work to do. For someone with healthy self-worth, this would be a blessing. However, for the codependent, it feels undeserved or suspicious and they often mistrust what is available and freely given because their conditioning tells them that love must be paid for with effort, sacrifice, patience and self-abandonment. So, when someone comes along and offers crumbs, the codependent can easily step into the role they know the best, the one who waits, proves, fixes, understands and carries hope.

The Codependent Fantasy of Potential

The carrying of eternal hope is always part of the codependent mindset. Codependents are often in love with an image of what they think someone will become (after they have fixed them), rather than who is actually in front of them. They fall in love with the potential gleaned from glimpses and rare moments of closeness between long episodes of distance and mistreatment. They cannot relate to the person as they are but they do relate to the idea of being chosen by the person they hope this partner will become, but is hard to reach. When this happens, it is more about redemption than romance. If they can fix this person, they can finally win the love they did not receive as a child and that memory can be erased. This is repetition compulsion in action.

Why the Steady Partner Gets Overlooked

This is why the steady, consistent partner doesn’t cut it for a codependent and is very often overlooked. They do not trigger the rescue fantasies, there is no need for them to be “worked out” and they don’t create the addictive drama that codependents look for. In fact, being with this “steady” person presents many challenges for a codependent. Steady people ask for presence, not performance and they ask for mutuality instead of over-functioning. They ask the codependent to simply “be”, rather than constantly look for emotional labour. This can be extremely frightening for a codependent who is used to trying to prove their worth by pursuing chaos and the people who create it.

Why Codependents Later Feel Regret

Later, when life’s has become exhausting and the processes in their lives have taken their toll, they often look back with regret not at the person they wanted the most but at the one who was capable of loving them. The “real” one, the one who was available and the one that did not need survival tactics. This is where regret becomes a strong factor, not that the relationship was guaranteed to succeed but it represented something true but they were not able to recognise it. This is often followed by guilt and self-criticism.

Who the Real “One” Actually Is

The “one” is not the one that made that makes partners feel desperate or keeps them awake at night analyzing and wondering. It isn’t the one who played on your deepest wounds and called it chemistry. More often than not, it is the person who brings steadiness, consistency and emotional clarity and safety. However, codependents will often reject this as safety feels unfamiliar and unfamiliarity isn’t chemistry for the codependent.

Why Codependents Mistake Drama for Love

That is the background to this very painful pattern. Codependents do not choose badly because they are stupid, they choose badly because old emotional training is very powerful. They mistake nervous system activation for connection and unpredictability as depth. Until this is understood and worked on, they will continue to reject the healthy and chase after the drama, chaos and withholding they know and see as love. Only years later, they may see that the one they grieved the most was never the great love at all. The real loss was the one they were too wounded to choose.

Why Codependents Must Judge Behaviour, Not Chemistry

One of the biggest issues for codependents is that they tend to assess partners through feeling, not evidence. They are often so pulled by chemistry, longing or emotional intensity that they fail to look at what is really happening. To change this, they need to slow the process down and judge behaviour over time rather than feeling. Does this person do what they say they will? Are they emotionally stable from one week to the next? Can they handle disappointment or boundaries without punishment, withdrawing or creating drama? Healthy people will go through these issues with calm, quietness, and consistency and without grand gestures. Codependents need to stop chasing the feeling and dopamine and start studying patterns.

How Codependency Recovery Changes Attraction

They also need to realise that their fixation on the unhealthy tends to narrow their vision of what else is available. The healthy person may be already in their lives but not registered because there is no struggle involved. This is where recovery starts by starting to realise that love doesn’t begin with obsession. It begins with respect, ease and ordinary conversations. It starts with someone who makes the space instead of demanding the space for themselves. Codependents will recognise this person when they stop asking “who makes me feel the most?” And start asking “who is actually capable and willing to build something real with me?”. Only time will tell that.

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Break the Cycle

Originally posted at: http://www.theresstillhope.org

I have created a very simple way to understand the cycle of our acting-out behaviors.

  • I see it.
  • I think it.
  • I plan it.
  • I do it.
  • I hate it.
  • I cover it.
  • I do it again.

James said pretty much the same thing.

“When tempted, no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:13-15).

The solution to repeating our unwanted behavior is to catch it quickly. Starve your eyes of fresh images. And when past images pop into your mind, shut them down immediately.

Recovery Step: Commit today to quit taking in images you should not have. And quit thinking about the images that are already there. There is no other way to escape the cycle of addiction.

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Castimonia Retreat Almost Full!

Only 14 spots remain! We are almost 90% full so please don’t delay!

If you’re part of the Castimonia family and have been thinking about attending, now is the time to make your plans. We look forward to another incredible weekend of Christ-centered recovery, fellowship, and growth.

We can’t wait to see what God has in store for this year’s retreat.

http://castimonia.org/retreat

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Ready to Declaw Defensiveness?

Originally posted at: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/ready-to-declaw-defensiveness

By Dr. Eddie Capparucci

One of the most misunderstood obstacles in betrayal recovery is defensiveness. It is often labeled as stubbornness, arrogance, or refusal to take responsibility. Clinically, it is none of those things. Defensiveness is a stress response that activates when the nervous system perceives emotional threat.

When this reaction takes over, meaningful dialogue collapses. The betraying partner shifts into self-protection, and the betrayed partner is left feeling unheard, invalidated, and emotionally unsafe. Many betrayed partners describe it as trying to have a conversation while hitting a brick wall.

At its core, defensiveness blocks accountability. It sends a clear message: “My discomfort matters more than your pain.” While it may feel like self-preservation for the person being defensive, it often lands as emotional injury to the partner who is trying to feel safe again.

Why Defensiveness Happens (The Knee-Jerk Reaction)

Defensiveness is rarely a conscious choice; instead, it is an automatic nervous system (ANS) reaction. When a betraying partner feels emotionally threatened—criticized, falsely accused, exposed, or ashamed, the nervous system often reacts before the rational brain has time to engage. This explanation may clarify why the behavior occurs, but it in no way makes the action condonable.

Clinically speaking, being defensive is a protective response. The problem is that it protects the ego at the expense of connection, repair, and trust. In recovery, protecting the ego is no longer an option.

The Role of Emotional Dysregulation

A leading contributor to defensiveness is poor emotional regulation. Many men struggling with problematic sexual behaviors were never taught this skill. Instead, they learned to suppress feelings until those emotions erupted as anger, avoidance, minimization, or defensiveness. When emotions run unchecked, the nervous system goes into fight-flight-freeze mode—and defensiveness becomes the default response.

This is why defensiveness is not simply a bad habit. It is often a physiological reaction rooted in emotional immaturity and unprocessed childhood pain. No matter what anti-defensive skills you teach a betraying partner, he will not be able to implement them unless he first learns to emotionally regulate.

But do not take my word for it. Here’s what other experts say about it.

“Neuroception detects risk without our awareness and triggers defensive behaviors before we have a chance to think.” Stephen Porges, creator of polyvagal therapy

“The emotional brain responds to potential threats before the thinking brain has time to interpret what is happening.” John LeDoux, a neuroscientist and author of The Emotional Brain.

“The organism responds to threat with automatic defensive reactions.” Dr. Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps Score.

“When we are in a state of threat, the brain shifts resources away from connection and toward protection.” Daniel Siegal, author of The Power of Showing Up.

Once again, even though science shows us that defensiveness is a protective reaction, we cannot excuse the behavior. Men must work to become more conscious of their emotionally regulated state and more aware of their actions.

Let us be clear about something important: you are never going to eliminate defensiveness entirely. No one is immune to it—including me. Defensiveness is part of being human. However, it can be dramatically reduced when individuals learn to engage with three important tools.

• Maintaining emotional regulation
• Creating self-awareness
• Being accountable for their actions

What Betrayers Must Do to Reduce Defensiveness

Reducing defensiveness is not about trying harder; it is about training differently. The betraying partner must take responsibility for learning skills never taught. Here are the non-negotiables.

1. Slow Everything Down

This is my number one rule of recovery. Speed fuels reactivity. Slowing down gives the nervous system time to settle and the rational brain an opportunity to engage. Nothing productive happens when emotions are running at full speed.

2. Learn Emotional Regulation

Defensiveness is a bodily response—tight chest, racing thoughts, and the urge to explain or argue. Individuals must learn to recognize these signs and pause before speaking. This is a very key point: regulation comes before communication.

3. Stop Self-Protecting

Defensiveness is an attempt to protect the ego by correcting what you believe is an injustice. Recovery requires tolerating discomfort without deflecting blame, minimizing impact, or explaining intent. Intent does not heal wounds—empathy does.

4. Address Unresolved Childhood Pain

Defensiveness is often rooted in earlier experiences of emotional neglect, harsh criticism, rejection, false accusation, or chronic inadequacy. When these wounds are triggered, the adult reacts like the wounded child. Healing those roots reduces the intensity of defensive reactions.

5. Develop Self-Compassion

Self-loathing and deep shame are critical factors that can inhibit a betrayer’s ability to become sober and emotionally bonded. A man who internally feels like a failure will instinctively protect himself. Learning healthy self-compassion helps quiet the negative internal narratives and increases his capacity to show empathy to others.

What are You Trying to Accomplish?

So, here is an important question: what is each partner trying to accomplish in this season of recovery and healing?

For the Betraying Partner

• Understanding why he used sexual behavior to escape emotional discomfort
• Learning to emotionally bond in healthy, attuned ways
• Developing the capacity to sit with emotional discomfort and not seek ways to escape

For the Betrayed Partner

• Healing from the deep emotional injury caused by betrayal
• Regaining a sense of safety within your own body
• Determining whether the relationship has a viable future
• If choosing to stay, rebuilding connection in a way that feels secure

How Betrayed Partners Can Assist (Without Over-Functioning)

Before we go further, let me be clear about something important: the actions of betrayed partners do not cause their partners to be defensive, and they are not responsible for fixing it. The work of managing and reducing defensiveness belongs to the betraying partner, as outlined above.

What follows is meant to protect your emotional well-being, keep conversations from escalating when defensiveness shows up, and assist in achieving what you are trying to accomplish long-term—repairing the relationship.

Now comes the part some betrayed partners may not like to hear. Reducing defensiveness helps when both partners work to resolve it, although again, it is primarily the responsibility of the betraying partner. Before you stop reading, consider this question:

Would it be worth 10–15 seconds of intentional communication if it helped reduce his defensiveness over time? If it provided you with peace and comfort instead of another flare-up?

If the answer is no, I am sorry to say recovery will probably continue to stall. If the answer is yes, keep reading.

What I am about to suggest is not about excusing behavior or taking responsibility for your partner’s defensiveness. It is about creating a boundary that supports emotional regulation rather than escalating conflict. It is designed to help you avoid being pulled into the destructive spiral. And frankly, that can be a relief.

Creating Space Instead of Escalation

When your partner becomes defensive, calmly say something like:

“You know defensiveness doesn’t help when we’re trying to talk. It makes me feel unheard. I’d like you to step away, figure out why you became defensive, and come back when you’re ready to have a constructive conversation.”

Then you disengage. No arguing. No lecturing. No chasing.

This is not avoidance; it is emotional self-protection. It slows everything down and prevents further damage to the conversation. By stepping away, you create space for both of you to regulate your nervous systems and regain clarity.

Other Ways You Can Assist (Without Carrying the Burden)

Again, you are not responsible for regulating his emotions. That responsibility belongs to him. However, certain approaches can make it easier for both of you to stay connected when emotions run high.

For example:

• Pause heated conversations when emotions escalate. When the nervous system is flooded, productive dialogue is nearly impossible.

• Allow intentional breaks. A short pause can help calm the nervous system. The key word is intentional. This is not avoidance; it is a reset. And it is beneficial for both of you.

• Encourage reflection rather than argument. Sometimes simply asking, “What do you think is really bothering you right now?” can help shift the conversation from defensiveness to self-awareness.

• Re-engage once both of you are more grounded. Healthy conversations rarely happen in the heat of emotional activation. They happen when both partners return calmer, more reflective, and ready to listen.

These practices are not about managing your partner’s behavior. They are about protecting the conditions necessary for meaningful communication and making life easier for you.

A Final Word for Men

When you step away to process, you must process. This is not time to ruminate over what just happened or check sports scores.

It is time to ask yourself:

• What emotion got activated?
• What threat did I feel?
• What am I trying to protect right now?
• How will I calm my nervous system and re-engage without turning back to defensiveness?

And here is a critical rule, return within 15-30 minutes unless both of you have agreed upon a longer time-out. Long disappearances often reactivate abandonment wounds and increase anxiety for your partner. Even if you do not have full clarity, come back and give an update. Consistent return builds safety.

She has given you a gift in allowing you to reset your nervous system and return to engage in a healthy manner. Do not minimize her generosity. Instead, give her thanks for her generosity. And do not stay away longer than you promise. In fact, come back earlier.

Defensiveness is not resolved through willpower. It is tamed through emotional maturity, nervous system regulation, and consistent accountability.

When men learn to regulate, reflect, and respond instead of reacting, conversations stop feeling like battlegrounds and start becoming pathways to healing. And that is the goal of recovery.

Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs and the author of Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and five other books.

Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can reach him at innerchildmodel@gmail.com.