CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Meeting Topics

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Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 7/13: Silent is Never Golden When it Comes to Sexual Addiction

In this Saturday’s meeting we were blessed to hear the letter written below by Keith to his now deceased younger brother. I warn group members to be mindful of heir emotions and any emotional triggers they may experience after reading this letter.

By Keith D.

This is hard to write given the circumstances.  However, I need to write if only for myself.  I hope others who are struggling with sexual addiction and who are thinking that taking one’s own life is the only option dealing with sexual addiction.

You were nine years old and in fourth grade and I was a freshman in college when the family moved to Texas.  I don’t remember a lot about you growing up except you riding your plastic snoopy and being in cub scouts as I was busy playing sports and working.

I go to meetings where there is an empty chair in the middle of the room and we talk about “our problem”.  Up until this time, the chair has been nameless and faceless to me.  However, now this particular chair does have a new name and face.  His name is Steve.  He was a father, a brother, and good friend to many.  He had an infectious smile and laugh to go along with it.

Hearing of your death came to me as a total surprise.  I started asking questions like “why” and “how come?”  I knew there were a lot of questions that there were not answers for.  I often wondered over the years if the same terrible things happened to you as a child as they did me, that is, if our neighbor sexually abused you too.  I felt we were never close enough that you would answer me honestly so I did not ask.  From the outcome of your life (i.e. being registered as a sex offender) I can only assume so.

When it comes to sexual addiction, silence is never golden!  This disease thrives in secrecy.  The only way to overcome it is to expose it and take responsibility for one’s actions, to ask God to shed His light in every dark area, and confessing your sins and weaknesses to others so you may be healed!  Pride, shame and condemnation empower this disease and has kept you in shackles for years.  It is only through humility and the Power of Jesus Christ that breaks these chains and sets one free.  For who the Lord has set free is free indeed!  I have found this freedom and wish you were here to tell you about it.

I need to ask for your forgiveness because I was not courageous enough to stand up against evil.  I did not stand up against the evil and sick things our neighbor did to me and what he may have done to you as well.  We lived in a small town and my classmates were already calling a homosexual because of my deep friendship with another male classmate.  That does not excuse my actions.  Please forgive me for being silent.  I wanted to speak up but I just couldn’t muster the courage.

The bible talks a lot about relationships. It says that “friends love at all times, but brothers were born for adversity”.  This scripture has taken on a new meaning for me.  We were born in the same family and born for adversity.  However, we never lived in the potential and relationship that God has called us.

Secondly, it says that a three-strand cord is not easily broken.  We did not have deep conversations about the Lord until just three years ago at our niece’s high school graduation.  It was the first time we talked about things that mattered in life.  And after mom had passed just a few weeks later, it was you that rose up and said not to let our relationships go by the wayside.  I was proud of you for rising up.  That is what I should have been done as an older brother, protecting and looking after my siblings as our parents have passed. 

I also know that no man lives and dies to himself.  That in both your life and death you impacted so many people.  You enjoyed life no matter what the circumstances or so it seemed as it could be seen in your smile and laugh.  If only you could have seen all the people that filled the room and all the tears that were shed.  Although you were divorced, she still called you her husband and buried you wearing your wedding band.

I wish you could have seen how hard your sixteen year old son cried after the funeral.  I cried for him knowing that this was a path you chose.  It is not the only path though however.  I found a Gentle Path and something called “Rigorous Honesty” for people like us that can help us with “our problem” and bring us back to sanity.  I wish you could have heard the anger in your boss when he spoke at your funeral as he was the one who found your limp body hanging in the air.  I have found one the only one who needed to be hung once for all, the one who died for our sins and the one who died to set us free!

There are two paths one with this sickness and disease can take.  One path leads to death, confusion, heartache and a lot of questions.  This path offers a permanent solution to a temporary problem and situation. 

As I looked at your face, I can tell you are finally now at peace.  You are no longer being tormented by the demons of addictions in your life.  However, there is peace along the other path too despite of one’s circumstances.   It is the path where you find Jesus and can share His love and compassion with others who are struggling with the same issues.  He has told us that there will be many trials and tribulations, but we can have peace in spite of our circumstances.  In fact, we can rejoice because those who truly find Him find true peace as He has already won the battle over sin and death.

The other path, although may seem insurmountable and very difficult at times, is a path you take with others.  There may be many tears on this path, but at the end this path leads to life and the crown of life as those who choose this path are over-comers by the word of our testimony and the blood of the Lamb.  I wish you were here for me to tell you of this path.

I do not know why or how we chose the paths we did.  It could have very easily been me lying there in that room.  I do know that it is only by the grace and mercy of God himself that it was not. 

When I attend the meetings from this point on, the empty chair is no longer empty.  I wish that it still was.  However, my voice will no longer be silent.  Forgive me for being silent.  Your death will not be in vain.  Silence is never golden when it comes to sexual addiction!

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Compulsive Masturbation

In today’s meeting I read from the book by Milton S. Magness, D.Min. “STOP Sex Addiction: Real Hope, True Freedom For Sex Addicts and Partners” on the topic of Compulsive Masturbation.  We then discussed our own thoughts on masturbation.

NEWbookCOVER2Compulsive Masturbation
p. 58 – 60

Maurice’s Story

Maurice had never been sexual with anyone other than his wife.  Raised in a very conservative family, Maurice did not date much as a teenager.  With his family’s very strict religious beliefs, he did not feel he was allowed to ask questions about sex or have any real sex education.  his parents did have “the talk” with him when he was fifteen.  His father told him that when he was married, he would get very close to his wife and that their resulting relationship would produce babies.

More confused that informed, he found some sex education from friends.  To further fill the information void, Maurice started looking up sexual topics on the Internet.  He found that he could get information on any sexual behavior and could even find photos and videos of people engaging in various sexual acts.  That early search for knowledge turned into a time-consuming addiction by the time he was married.  When his wife finally caught him looking at pornography online, he had developed a habit of engaging in cybersex behaviors for at least two hours a day.  Most of his behavior was limited to browsing pornographic websites, but he recently has been following conversations in sexual chat rooms.

While he has not yet engaged in chat with anyone, Maurice is thinking about starting what he considers to be harmless chat.  While online he has masturbated, sometimes multiple times a day.  A few times he masturbated to the point of injury.  Lately, Maurice’s wife has complained that he is just no interested in sex with her, and she wonders why not.  He realizes that he needs to stop this behavior because of the negative impact it is having on his marriage.  But so far he has not been successful in being able to stop his compulsive masturbation or his use of online pornography.

The topic of masturbation is difficult for some people to talk about.  Studies show that virtually all men and a significant portion of women have masturbated at one time or another.  There is an assumption that masturbation is something individuals outgrow as they leave their teenage years.  In fact, a number of people, both men and women, continue masturbating throughout their adult lives.  Masturbation not only can have negative impact on the sexual relationship in committed relationships, but it may also impact communication and conflict-resolution skills.

How Can Masturbation Damage a Relationship Outside of the Sexual Realm?

The answer is that women and men approach sex differently.  Women typically require an emotional connection with their partner if they are going to have sex.  If problems or conflict exist in the relationship, they must be addressed before many women are willing to be sexual.  It is a different story with men.  Men do not have to have an emotional connection to have sex.  They can completely separate sex from love or emotion.  If a man wants to be sexual but there is some emotional baggage in the relationship, his wife will probably want to “unpack” that baggage before being sexual.  As for him, if he is not willing to wait or make the emotional investment in the relationship, he can masturbate – literally be sexual with himself – and not have to expend any emotional energy.

The fact is that sexually addicted men may choose to continue their self-centered, narcissistic acting out through masturbation rather than attend to the emotional and communication concerns of the relationship.  For many men, masturbation becomes a compulsive act that they use to medicate pain, stress, loneliness, fear, anger, or other emotions.  For that reason, I believe that masturbation within a committed relationship is often selfish and may contribute significantly to the couple having a lower-than-desired frequency of sexual intimacy.

Perhaps the biggest problem with masturbation is that it is a gateway behavior that often ignites other acting-out behaviors.  Before frequenting sexual massage parlors, before the clandestine affair, before seeking out prostitutes, many sex addicts have spent numerous sessions masturbating and then rationalizing their behavior by saying that they were engaging only in masturbation and fantasy.  In other words, they see the self-gratifying action as pertaining only to themselves and not to their spouse as a statement of rejection or withholding of pleasure.  The neurochemical reinforcement provided when on masturbates to fantasy is powerful.  The resulting changes in brain chemistry give a person a high not unlike the high that comes form using certain illegal drugs.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – Step 1 Step Study

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
“I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.”
(Romans 7:18)

In today’s Castimonia meeting we reviewed Step 1 from the Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

saa-green-bookIn understanding the first step, one must come to the understanding that surrendering is the only way to “win” this battle.  For most of us, this makes absolutely no strategic sense at all.  We have been taught to never give up, never surrender, that we are strong men and we don’t “give up” no matter what the cost!  Well this war is over, and we don’t have the strength to keep fighting it the way we have been. We need help, we need reinforcements, we need new, stronger, more powerful weapons to defeat this enemy.  We need the ultimate “weapon” in Jesus Christ!  Once we admit we cannot win this war on our own and surrender ourselves, not to the addiction, but to Him, a new war begins.

Furthermore, we come to an understanding that this is not a self control issue.  In our addiction, self control was no longer available to us, however, we can surrender to what I call “Christ-control.”  This is not saying that Jesus Christ controls my personal actions if I continue to act out, but that I must surrender my control to Jesus Christ.  Only with Him in control (and believing such) can I live my life according to His will, not mine.  We will review this concept when we work Step 3, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves!  A different sort of self control will begin to appear as we work our recovery program.

Part of understanding this first step is that we acknowledge that we have a disease.   This is not an excuse for what we have done in the past, or might continue to do.  We take personal responsibility for our actions and suffer the consequences.  However, in understanding it is a disease, we understand that only God can heal us and there is nothing we can do to heal ourselves:  The only cure is God!

So how does one get to the point where they understand the battle is over (and was unwinnable from the beginning) and that we truly have a disease?  We do so by “working” the first step.  We sit down, with the help of our sponsor, and write down as much of our history as possible, both sexual and non-sexual.  We begin by looking at our childhood and family of origin for the signs of dysfunction that may have been “hidden” but were ever present in our lives.  We even include multiple generations of dysfunction as far back as we can find or remember.  We include our first sexual experiences as early as we can remember and continue to write out our sexual history up until the present.  We are specific about our thoughts and feelings leading up to, during, and after the sexual experiences carefully looking at the patterns and behaviors around our sexual acting out.

In writing out our history, we include examples of when we realized our sexual activities were “wrong” but continued to repeat them and the times we said, “I won’t do this again.”  We include examples of when we made “deals” with ourselves, others, or even God after we had acted out.  We also include instances where we told ourselves we would not go back “to that place” and we did.  Finally, we include examples of all the times we tried to stop on our own and then continued with the insanity of the addiction.  All the preceding are examples of our powerlessness over the addiction.  We come to a true understanding that we are completely powerless over this addiction!

As we continue to examine our lives and write out our first step, we start to look at how our lives started spinning out of control.  We list specific examples of how our preoccupation of sex or our sexual acting out kept us from meeting work and home schedules.  We look at missed appointments or opportunities or even those to which we arrived late because of our extended time in preoccupation or in the addiction.  We look at how our addiction has affected our work life.  If we missed work because of the addiction or cost the company money around the addiction, then we list that.  We even include times where we rearranged work and/or travel schedules to fit into our sexual acting out.  At home, we list the times we were neglectful to our families.  We list times where we said we would be at a family function and either missed it or were running late.   We also include the great personal risks we took when we acted out.  We write about the times we compromised our safety or the safety of others.  If we engaged in unhealthy and unsafe sexual behaviors, we also include those examples.  Finally, we include the financial cost of our addiction.  We look at the money we spent on sexual acting out as well as the time we spent on our addiction.  With help from our sponsor we can calculate the total “financial cost” of our addiction based on actual money spent but also on the time spent pursuing sexual acting out.

One word of caution about writing this first step.  Because of our needing to recall these events, writing the first step can be emotionally or sexually triggering, or both.  It is important to not get lost in the writing of our first step.  Many of us have found it useful to write small parts of our first step prior to attending a meeting in order to burst out of the emotional and sexual bubble we might have inadvertently formed while writing.  It is important to reach out, not only if we are sexually triggered by our first step writing, but also if we are emotionally triggered by traumatic events that might have occurred in our lives.

Finally, with the help of our sponsor, we edit down our first step removing triggering language or events, names, locations, websites, or explicit examples in preparation to give our first step publicly at a meeting.  However, if there are things too personal to share with the group we instead share them directly with our sponsor.  Our sponsor will help guide us in editing our first step.  Giving our first step publicly gives us the opportunity to tell our story and remove the shackles of guilt and shame associated with our sexual acting out.  It allows us to experience God’s love for us through the love of other men in recovery with similar backgrounds.  It creates a bond between us that can never be created with another man whom with we have not shared our true life’s story.   The men in the room that hear our first step know us better than any other man on this planet, they know 100% of who we are, not just the 50% we tend to portray in public.  This is what is called true brotherhood, this is what is called real intimacy.  Being intimate with another man is a gift from God and leads to deeper relationships that we have ever experienced in our lives.

Take what you like and leave the rest!

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 12/29/2012 – Jesus Calling

jesuscallingbookIn this morning’s Castimonia meeting I read the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.

TRUST ME with every fiber of your being!  What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me.  One aspect of this is the degree to which you trust Me in a crisis or major decision.  Some people fail miserably here, while others are at their best in tough times.  Another aspect is even more telling: the constancy of your trust in Me.  People who rely on Me in the midst of adversity may forget about Me when life is flowing smoothly.  Difficult times can jolt you into awareness of your need for Me, whereas smooth sailing can lull you into the stupor of self-sufficiency.

I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith.  You may think that no one notices, but the One who is always beside you sees everything – and rejoices.  Consistently trusting in Me is vital to flourishing in My Presence.

Psalm 40:4 – Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud,  to those who turn aside to false gods.

Psalm 56:3-4 – When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 4 In God, whose word I praise — in God I trust and am not afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 62:8 – Trust in him at all times, you people;  pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Isaiah 26:3-4 – You will keep in perfect peace  those whose minds are steadfast,  because they trust in you. 4 Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 12/22/12 – Men of the Bible – Solomon

Solomon [Sŏl’omon]—peace or peaceable. The tenth son of David, and second by Bath-sheba, and the third king of Israel who reigned for forty years (2 Sam. 5:14; 12:24). Solomon was also known as Jedidiah meaning, “beloved of the Lord.”

The Man Who Was Full Yet Failed

We know little of the early life of Solomon. The name given him by Nathan, but not repeated because of its sacredness, implies David’s restoration to divine favor (2 Sam. 12:25). Loved of the Lord suggests the bestowal of unusual gifts (2 Sam. 12:24, 25). It is also evident that young Solomon was greatly influenced both by his mother and Nathan (1 Kings 1:11, 12).

With reference to the character and reign of Solomon, we cannot but agree with Alexander Whyte that, “The shipwreck of Solomon is surely the most terrible tragedy in all the world. For if ever there was a shining type of Christ in the Old Testament church, it was Solomon … but everyday sensuality made him in the end a castaway.” Taking him all in all, Solomon stands out as a disappointing figure of Hebrew history. Think of the advantages he began with! There were the almost undisputed possession of David’s throne, immense stores of wealth laid up by his father, exceptional divinely imparted mental abilities, the love and high hopes of the people. Solomon’s start like the cloudless dawn of a summer’s morning, might have been beautiful all his life through, but it ended in gloom because he wandered into God-forbidden paths. Thus a life beginning magnificently ended miserably. The man who penned and preached a thousand wise things failed to practice the wisdom he taught.

The work of Solomon was the development of his father’s ideas of a consolidated kingdom, and what marvelous success crowned his efforts. Exercising the power of an oriental despot, he gave Israel a glory, prestige and splendor unsurpassed in the world’s history. On the whole, however, Solomon seemed to rule for his own aggrandizement and not for the welfare of the people. Doubtless Solomon’s artistic and literary gifts provided the masses with beneficial instruction, but the glory of Solomon brought the common people tears and groans. The great wealth provided by David for the building of a Temple speedily disappeared under Solomon’s lavish spending, and the people had to pay heavily by taxation and poverty for his magnificent whims. Yet Jesus said that the lilies of the field had greater glory than all the gaudy pomp and pride of Solomon.

Solomon’s ambition in the morning of his life was most commendable. His dream was a natural expression of this ambition, and his God-imparted wisdom an evidence of it (1 Kings 3). Then his sacrifice at Gibeon indicates that Solomon desired religion to be associated with all external magnificence. Solomon’s remarkable prayer also breathes the atmosphere of true piety and of his delight in the full recognition of God. Alas, however, Solomon came to the end of his days minus popularity and piety!

This first great naturalist the world ever saw, who wrote one thousand and five songs, three thousand proverbs and who had sagacity beyond compare, took his first step downward when he went to Egypt for his queen. A daughter of Pharaoh, sitting on the throne of David, must have shocked and saddened the godly elect of Israel. With this strange wife came her strange gods.

Then came the harem of outlandish women who caused Solomon to sin (Neh. 13:26). His wives—seven hundred of them and three hundred concubines—whom Solomon clave unto in love, turned him into an idolater (1 Kings 11:1-8). Polygamy on such a vast scale and concession for his wives to worship their own heathen gods was bad enough, but to share in such sacrilegious worship in sight of the Temple Solomon himself had built, was nauseating to God.

Thus sensuality and pride of wealth brought about Solomon’s deterioration. In the Book of Ecclesiastes which the king wrote, he surely depicted his own dissatisfaction with even life itself. All rivers ran into Solomon’s sea: wisdom and knowledge, wine and women, wealth and fame, music and songs; he tried them all, but all was vanity and vexation of spirit simply because God had been left out.

Of Solomon’s actual end little is known. He is described as an “old man” at sixty years of age. Whether Solomon repented and returned to God was a question warmly debated by the Early Fathers. There is no record of his repentance. He never wrote a penitential psalm like his father before him (Ps. 51). We have his remorse, discontent, disgust, self-contempt, “bitterer to drink than blood,” but no sobs for his sin, no plea for pardon. Thus, with such a tragic failure before us, let us take to heart the fact that Solomon’s wisdom did not teach him self-control, and that the only legacy of his violated home life was a son “ample in foolishness and lacking in understanding,” as C. W. Emmet expresses it.