CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Meeting Topics

By

Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.

By

The Journey Bible – Knowing Yourself – Judges 16:1-3

Judges 16:1-3

New International Version (NIV)

16 One day Samson   went to Gaza,   where he saw a prostitute.   He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate.  They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn  we’ll kill him.”

3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron.

The Journey Bible – Knowing Yourself

Samson was a he-man with a she-weakness.  As he approached his fortieth birthday, lust seemed to take over his life.

As the scene opens in Judges 16 we find Samson visiting a Philistine town named Gaza.  Enticed by a prostitute’s beauty, Samson goes in “to spend the night with her” (verse 1).

Anybody who knew Samson was aware of his strength.  Yet, with all of his great power, Samson couldn’t bridle his own lust.  He might have been able to if he had recognized that his actions were leading him progressively to what we refer to today as the stages of addictive behavior.

Stage one is preoccupation.  It occurs when we’re thinking about acting out a forbidden fantasy.  Samson must have thought often about the beauty of the Philiistine women between visits t Gaza.

Stage two is ritualization.  Rituals are those seemingly harmless acts that precede, and then lead to, acting out.  They’re the things we do that excite us.  Perhaps Samson’s ritual was visiting Gaza “just to look,” nonchalantly turning down the different city streets to look at the beautiful Philistine women at a distance.

Stage three is acting out.  It occurs when we carry out what we’ve been thinking about, as Samson did in this passage.

Stage four is shame.  We all know the feeling of being ashamed of something we’ve done that we know is wrong.  Perhaps this was part of the reason why Samson left the prostitute’s house under the cover of night.

The person who wants to break any addictive cycle – whether that be lust, chemical dependency, gamblinig, or any of a host of behaviors – must begin by first askinig God for the strength to be free from the addiction.  Next, he or she needs to identify every desructive thought and ritual that keeps the cycle going, and to develop a strategy for eliminating each one.  The behavior will not stop until the activities that lead up to it are exposed and eliminated.  Finally, that person must share both the rituals he or she has named and the plan for alleviating them with a trusted friend.  Accountability is the key to resisting when temptation rears its ugly head.

Think about how different Samson’s life might have been if he had taken the steps to break the cycle of his addiction!  Instead of turng to God for help and insight, he chose to let his destructive appetite get the best of him.  If you’re heading down that same path, learn from Samson’s example.

By

Video – Somebody’s Daughter

I first saw this video during my 3-day intensive.  It was emotionally moving.  However, it wasn’t until I played this video to my Castimonia Saturday morning meeting group in February that I was completely overwrought with emotions concerning the theme that these women, in pornography, prostitution, strip clubs, etc… are somebody’s daughter.  As a father of two beautiful young girls, I can relate 100%, and use that to my advantage and my sobriety.  Don’t let the enemy lie to you and tell you that the woman in the pornographic scene you are watching or the woman dancing in a strip club, or even waitressing in a skimpy sports bar outfit is not real or wants to do this for a living.  Always remember that she is somebody’s daughter, maybe even your own!

By

Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 08/04/2012 – Step 8 Step Study

We made  a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since August is the 8th month, we reviewed Step 8 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding step 8, I must understand three core concepts.  The first concept is that the harm I have caused others was because of more than just my sexual acting out.  I admit that I had harmed numerous people directly and indirectly through my sexual activities, but the harm mentioned in Steps 5 and now in Step 8 has little to do with my sexual acting out.  The very first sentence of the SAA Green Book states it as clear as possible:

“With the Eighth Step, we begin to take responsibility for the harm we inflicted on others when we acted on our character defects.”

In reading this sentence, my list just got a lot longer.  Not only did I have to make amends to the countless victims of my sexual acting out, but now I also had to make amends to those I had harmed through my anger, impatience, procrastination, and other character defects.  I had lashed out in anger over trivial matters at work and I needed to add these people to my list.  I had lied to others about being late to meetings or appointments, I had to make amends to these people as well.

The second core concept is that in working Step 8, I only had to make a list.  I could not worry about the actual amends process, all I needed was a list of names and the harm I had done to them.  My list became rather long but my sponsor helped me trim it down by consolidating “anonymous” sex partners and separating them from people I actually associate with on a daily basis.  I would not make face-to-face amends with these former sex partners, but that is a discussion for next month and Step 9.  The bottom line is, make a list, that is all.  I couldn’t worry about how I was going to get in contact with these people or how I would make amends.  All I had to do is make a list with names and write down the specifics of how I harmed them with my character defects or my sexual acting out.

The third core concept is that I had to become willing to make amends to all of them.  Wanting to make amends and becoming willing to make amends are two different concepts.  I want to make amends to everyone I had harmed, but was I truly willing to do so?  I needed to review the harm I had caused them with my sponsor in step 8 (and later in again in step 9) and then become willing to make amends to them in order to “clean up my side of the street.”  For me, I was willing when I was able to empathize with the pain my character defects had caused them.  I was able to understand the harm I had caused them, leaving my selfish addicted-filled shell behind and truly empathized with these people.

Many tears were shed during my Step 8 meetings with my sponsor.  God had opened my eyes (and heart) to the harm I had caused others in my out-of-control lifestyle.  I was now ready to move on to working on Step 9.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

By

The Faces of Sexual Addiction – Monday Night Meeting Topic 07/30/2012

The mug shots below are of members of society that were arrested or tried this month (July) for their sexual crimes.  Not all of these people are “sex addicts” but I believe there is some sort of disorder within these people to have them commit these crimes against others.

I am not posting these mugshots to punish these men and women; their punishment is already coming at the hands of the courts and our legal system.  I post these images so that everyone can see that these men and women look like anyone else in our community; our teachers, coaches, fathers, mothers, pastors, police officers, etc…  The addiction has no boundaries, it affects anyone and everyone.  My sponsor once made a joke about attending his first recovery meeting, stating that he was expecting to walk into a room of a bunch of men wearing fedoras and long overcoats as is the typical stereotype of “flashers” or “sex addicts” in our American society.  This may be true in some cases, but a large majority of sexual addicts are just everyday people, like you or me.

You should be able to hover over the pictures and see a description of their crime.

The above men and women entered into what is considered Level 2 and Level 3 sexual addiction.  The reality of the addiction is that if you took a brain scan of a sex addict acting out with Level 1 behaviors versus the above, the scans would be nearly identical.  That is to say, there is very little difference to the human brain, the high one gets from acting out with masturbation and pornography and those acting out with level 2 and 3 sex crimes.  Level 1 includes sexual activity “socially acceptable” by society; masturbation, viewing pornography, visiting strip clubs, prostitution, etc…  Levels 2 & 3 include sexual activities that are not socially acceptable and in some cases, morally offensive as in the case of Jerry Sandusky and a few others shown above.  To learn more about the three levels of sexual addiction, please read Chapter 2: The Levels of Addiction in Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

All the above are representations of “The Empty Chair” that sits in the middle of our recovery meeting circle.  The empty chair represents those members that have left the sexual addiction recovery program in search of their true bottom, those that are suffering the consequences of their addiction in prison, and those whose disease drove them to take their own life.

May God grant these people serenity.

Take what you like and leave the rest.