CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

trust

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Are you trustworthy?

“How do I know you won’t do it again?”

Have you been asked that question? Has your spouse, kids, partner, parents, people who love you…how many times have they asked you that question? I thought it was just a lack of trust due to my years of deception that led to my wife and kids asking me that. I found it it’s more than that. Its really a question of “how do I know you won’t hurt me again?”

This week, my wife traveled back to our home state to see her Mom. She’s in her 80’s and starting to have health issues. Late one night, my wife texted me, obviously upset. She had seen an old Facebook memory come up on her phone. It was a reminder of what life was like then, of my old behavior and the damage and hurt I had caused her.

The questions started coming quickly:

“What are you doing? Why didn’t you respond quicker? I get very worried leaving you alone. How do I know you aren’t going to go back to your same things again?”

Her hurt and pain and fear all exposed at once. My immediate response, no my immediate desire was to flee…or change the subject. Manipulate the situation. Talk about something else. Anything. Just not have to face her hurt. The hurt I caused.
That is how I responded to uncomfortable questions or concerns or anything else that was too intrusive. I fled. I would like to say how I used to respond. But that isn’t right. Or truthful. I instinctively want to move my wife or kids or whoever I am being challenged by off of the topic that’s causing me pain. Only, this time I didn’t.

What’s worrying you right now,” I asked? “What’s got you upset that you think I might be doing?”

I have been this brave before. Stepping into her hurt enough to ask what was causing it. But then going off the rails and becoming defensive and challenging. Saying things like “can’t you tell how different I am” or “I can’t believe you don’t see I am not like that anymore.” I stopped myself. I just shut up and listened.

“Its still there. The hurt. The triggers. I hate when they come up but they do. Constantly,” she said.<

“I am so sorry for that. I love you and am right here.”

And that was it. That was what she needed to know. That I recognized her hurt. I didn’t minimize it. I just listened, acknowledged, and supported. I didn’t try to avoid and I didn’t try to fix.

Tomorrow or next week or next month she will probably get triggered again, ask how she could possibly know I won’t do it again, and respond in hurt and anger. Pray for me that I can remember to step into her hurt, support her, love her, and pray for her. Just as she has supported me.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 67: Jason Martinkus – Worthy of Her Trust

Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 67: Jason Martinkus – Worthy of Her Trust

Jason is a well-known author of “Worthy of Her Trust”. Doug and Jason discuss his book as well as the difficulty and benefits of choosing recovery. Healing is possible for individuals and marriages, and they discuss some of the mindset shifts that occur in the process. “Worthy of her trust” is a great book for debunking myths that we hold about recovery and addiction.
For more information, please visit our website at castimonia.org/podcasts or email us at
puritypodcast@castimonia.org
Remember you are not walking on this road of recovery alone.

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Does Forgiveness Mean Instant Trust?

SOURCE:  Leslie Vernick

Can I Trust You?

Sometimes the burden to trust again has been unfairly placed upon the shoulders of the betrayed person and linked with forgiveness. The thinking goes like this: if you forgive me, then what happened between us is in the past. We don’t need to discuss this anymore and trust should be automatically restored.

But that’s not true.

We can genuinely forgive someone and still not trust him (or her).

Forgiveness is something we do because God calls us to do it, not necessarily because someone is sorry, repentant, or is genuinely interested in rebuilding trust. However, reconciliation of the relationship, including trusting again, requires forgiveness but not just forgiveness. It also requires the one who broke trust to show genuine repentance as well as make efforts to rebuild broken trust.

Typically we think of broken trust, especially in marriage, only in the sexual realm. However below are three additional areas where trust can be broken and must be rebuilt if a relationship is to be restored.

1.  Authenticity: People immediately mistrust someone who feels false. When you are married to someone, work with someone, or are close to someone who has one persona in public and another in private, you intuitively do not trust him, even when you have no specific reason not to. You don’t trust his public persona (i.e. great guy), because you also bear witness to his or her hypocrisy elsewhere. This person’s core self is not authentic and therefore he cannot or should not be trusted.

To rebuild trust with someone who has been inauthentic requires him or her to acknowledge his or her false image and learn to be more real. In most instances a person who has a double self will not acknowledge it nor do they typically change. When confronted, they just get more devious.

2. Reliability: When we are in relationship with someone, personal or professional, we want to know whether we can count on that person to do what he says he will do. Or, likewise, can I trust that he will stop doing the things that he says he will stop doing?

In rebuilding broken trust with someone who has a track record of unreliability, we must look at what the person does, not what the person says that he or she will do. For example, does he say he will put filters on his computer but never does? Does she say she will stop drinking, or spending money on the credit card but does nothing? Does he say he wants restoration of the marriage but won’t go to counseling or do any work towards that end? Does she tell you she will make more efforts to call you and reach out to you in order to have a more mutual relationship but her promises don’t turn into real phone calls?

Proverbs 25:19 says, “Putting confidence in an unreliable person in times of trouble is like chewing with a broken tooth or walking on a lame foot.” It’s foolish.

John Mark was someone who was not reliable and as a result, lost the apostle Paul’s trust (See Acts 15). Later on we see that trust was restored, not because Paul gave him trust, but because John Mark proved he was reliable and Paul’s trust was restored (2 Timothy 4). In the same way, building consistent reliability into our character rebuilds broken trust, not empty promises.

3. Care: In our closest relationships we ask ourselves: can I trust that you care for my good? My well-being?  When I share my thoughts and feelings do you hear me? Value me? Protect me? Or is there mocking, contempt, avoidance, or indifference? Proverbs 31:11,12 says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” Why?  Because, “He trusts her to do him good not harm all the days of his life.”

One of the foundations of relational trust is that love does not intentionally harm the other (Romans 13:10).  And, if in weakness and sin there is harm, every effort is made to make amends and not repeat that harm.

A destructive person does not want to hear the other person’s grievances against him. It’s true; it does hurt our feelings (and pride) to hear how we have hurt someone. It takes effort to listen and care about the other person’s feelings when you have broken her trust. Yet without consistent compassion, empathy, and care for the other, rebuilding trust is not possible. And if we don’t trust that someone cares for our well being, a close relationship with that person is not possible.

Rebuilding broken trust takes time and specific evidence of change, not merely words or promises of change.  

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Building Trust Again

Trust has to be a living, breathing entity in order for any relationship to survive. It isn’t an emotion, but a learned behavior that we gain from past experiences. Whether you’ve been stolen from, lied to, misled, or cheated on, there are different levels of losing trust, some more devastating than others.

1. Learn to really trust yourself: If you don’t trust yourself – your ability to have good judgment and make good choices – how can you trust someone else? Once your trust has been violated, your defenses start working overtime to protect yourself. Pay closer attention to your instincts and work on building trust in yourself.

2. Grieve: When a loved one dies, the natural grieving process tends to come in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages can also occur when you lose trust in someone. Don’t fight any of these stages. You’ll usually get through all of them – with time. Forgiveness can also be added as the sixth stage in regards to trust.

3. Stop labeling yourself the victim: If you’ve been betrayed, you are the victim of your circumstance. But there’s a difference between being a victim and living with a “victim mentality.” Some people choose to wallow in the sting of betrayal while others make a real effort to overcome it. If you choose to wallow in pity, you’ll stifle your ability to heal because you’ll end up angry and blaming everyone else for something you actually have more control over than you think. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, then you’ll be able to release anger and hurt.

4. You didn’t lose “everything”: When we’re severely betrayed, such as being cheated on in a relationship, we tend to feel like we’ve lost everything that means anything to us. Once trust is lost, what’s left? Instead of looking at the situation from this hopeless angle, look at everything you still have and be thankful for all of the good in your life. Seeing the positive side of things doesn’t mean you’re ignoring what happened. Instead, it’s a healthy way to work through the experience to allow room for positive growth and forgiveness.

5. Keep your expectations high: Avoid the same types of where your trust was violated. But it’s also important to recognize that just because you’ve been violated before doesn’t mean it will happen again. If you fall into this mentality, not only will you sell yourself short, but you may also throw away the possibility of a new, healthy relationship. Losing trust in someone can have a devastating effect on your relationship, as well as your sense of self-worth, but building trust again is possible. It takes a willingness to work on both yourself and your betrayer, but it’s more than possible. And when trust in a relationship is regained, it is truly healing.

“One error a trust-breaker makes when attempting to rebuild trust with another, is refusing to take full ownership for what they did.” – Karen Wells

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 12/29/2012 – Jesus Calling

jesuscallingbookIn this morning’s Castimonia meeting I read the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young.

TRUST ME with every fiber of your being!  What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me.  One aspect of this is the degree to which you trust Me in a crisis or major decision.  Some people fail miserably here, while others are at their best in tough times.  Another aspect is even more telling: the constancy of your trust in Me.  People who rely on Me in the midst of adversity may forget about Me when life is flowing smoothly.  Difficult times can jolt you into awareness of your need for Me, whereas smooth sailing can lull you into the stupor of self-sufficiency.

I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith.  You may think that no one notices, but the One who is always beside you sees everything – and rejoices.  Consistently trusting in Me is vital to flourishing in My Presence.

Psalm 40:4 – Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud,  to those who turn aside to false gods.

Psalm 56:3-4 – When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 4 In God, whose word I praise — in God I trust and am not afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 62:8 – Trust in him at all times, you people;  pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Isaiah 26:3-4 – You will keep in perfect peace  those whose minds are steadfast,  because they trust in you. 4 Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.