CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Marital Fidelity in a MySpace (Facebook) World

Today, couples face old temptations coming repackaged with a new, technological twist. Bob Waliszewski explores how married couples should preserve fidelity in the face of computers, anonymity and MySpace (Facebook).

by Bob Waliszewski

From the first relationship in the Garden itself, it’s clear spouses don’t always have their partner’s best interest in mind.

You know the story – the serpent tempted Eve who in turn coaxed Adam who was with her to bite into the forbidden fruit. Adam, of course, was Eve’s husband, her helpmate, her friend, her confidant. And yet, there’s nothing in the Genesis account that would indicate Eve struggled with her decision to involve Adam. Did she not care about him? Did she not love him? Certainly, but isn’t it interesting that “love” just wasn’t enough of a protection in this particular situation?

In a nutshell, Eve bit hook, line and sinker when the devil convinced her that the real reason God didn’t want her to eat the fruit was because he was trying to withhold from them something exceedingly good. In essence, the serpent was calling God a liar. All of a sudden Eve went from someone completely vested in her husband to one who contributed to his downfall (which is not to say Adam didn’t have the responsibility for his own actions).

It doesn’t take a degree in Marriage and Family to realize that husbands and wives have for thousands of years been making similarly selfish decisions, many with lifelong negative consequences. One thing that is different, however, is that in today’s world, couples face technologically-driven temptations along this line as well. Old enticements often come repackaged with a new twist using today’s computers and the anonymity that comes within cyberworld.

A MySpace (Facebook) World

Obviously, the Internet has introduced pornography into many, many homes. Although a huge problem, I want to focus on less obvious temptations affecting some marriages. For instance, the other day while doing research about social networking sites, I stumbled upon a MySpace profile that I’m sure represents untold thousands. Here was a man who described himself as married with several children. But he had built his entire online profile describing himself as some type of, well, I’ll use the term “sex-god.” He had posted photos of women in various sensual poses, often with very little clothing. In an online poll he had pasted into his site, he had asked sexually-oriented questions in inappropriate fashion.

I couldn’t help but wonder why a married man would do such a thing? Nor could I help but wonder what his wife or children would think if they discovered his secret online “life.” (Perhaps his wife does know, which presents a whole other set of problems). Because the Internet world is considered a private domain where the user can be anonymous, this man apparently felt safe to try and make himself out to be some sort of Casanova.

Whatever the reason, he’s certainly not alone. Just ask Sue Hoogestraat. According to an article in The Wall Street Journal, she was understandably upset when she discovered her husband had a virtual marriage in Second Life, a fictional cyberworld where online visitors participate in commerce, sex and relationships, and build their own imaginary world. Although Ric Hoogestraat had never met, or even spoken with, Janet Speilman, the woman who controlled her online character, the two constantly spent time “together” in cyberspace – eventually “marrying.” “It’s really devastating,” expressed Sue. “You talk to someone or bring them a drink, and they’ll be having sex with a cartoon.” Ric can’t understand why his wife would have a problem with his online escapades. In his mind, it’s all a big game. But is it?

The Dangers of Anonymity

Brad Paisley’s hit country single, “Online,” humorously describes a pudgy loner who boasts of chatting with several women online (or at least he thinks they’re women). As he chats, he claims to be taller and thinner than he actually is. Although the song intentionally pokes fun at how people can and do represent themselves via the anonymity of the Internet, it’s no laughing matter when a married person goes online intentionally looking for someone to fill a need that only his or her spouse should satisfy.

Some may argue that having an edgy social networking profile, carrying on online relationships and chatting within cyberspace is relatively innocent stuff because there’s no intention of really getting involved physically. I’d argue to the contrary. It’s not just getting involved physically that crosses the line, it’s the very desire to play around online in an area involving a certain amount of intimacy.

For some married individuals who feel under-appreciated and under-respected, the anonymity of the Web allows for a chance to flirt and pretend. What could be wrong with that? Dr. David Jeremiah, commenting about a list of “hedges” that individuals need to put up to guard their marriages, had this to say about flirting: “Never flirt, even in jest. Never flirt with someone other than your [spouse].” Of course, flirting used to be something that primarily occurred face-to-face. Not any more. Flirting can now take place through chat, text message, IM, online gaming and profiles. Still, Dr. Jeremiah’s advice is valid.

The Gift of Intimacy

The author of Proverbs offers incredible advice along these lines when he says: “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. …May you rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always. …Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?” (Proverbs 5:15-20, NIV) Clearly, the writer is not referring to actual water but to the intimacy that occurs in marriage. Furthermore, this water is more than just the sexual aspect. It includes the closeness, the oneness and the entire sense of unity that a husband and wife can and do experience when they do things God’s way.

One of the greatest gifts the Lord ever gave us was the gift of intimacy. As described in the Bible, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5, NIV). Jesus added, “So they are no longer two, but one” (Matthew 19:6, NIV). It’s that oneness, that intimacy, that water that married individuals are called upon by marriage’s Creator to guard closely, pray about regularly and fight for diligently.

Copyright © 2008, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

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Traveling Toward Marital Intimacy

Though there is overlap, husbands and wives tend to take two unique paths toward intimacy. It’s important to understand where they lead and that sometimes we may have to force ourselves onto them.

by Paul Coughlin

Accountability to another person about your visual and emotional infidelity can be helpful—but not as helpful as we like to believe. After a while, one husband told me, “It’s pretty easy to lie to the person who is questioning you. It’s so autonomous–how are they really going to know?”

Putting computers out in the open is helpful as well in order to break the power of autonomy. But what happens when no one is around to see you on that website or watching that soap opera? There is a more lasting approach: Addressing the reasons why a husband or wife would turn to someone other than their spouse when desiring sexual and emotional intimacy, then creating a realistic level of intimacy within your existing marriage.

As mentioned previously, virtual infidelity increases when we are lonely, in duress, angry or spurned. These are threshold experiences, portals toward infidelity but also intimacy since conflict can sometimes be intimacy in disguise.

Two Paths Toward Intimacy

Though there is overlap, husbands and wives tend to take two unique paths toward intimacy. It’s important to understand where they lead and that sometimes we may have to force ourselves onto them in order to create a stronger and co-mingled path toward intimacy.

Generally speaking, women prefer talking and thinking together as men prefer touching and other forms of physical togetherness. I was unaware of these distinctions for the first 15 years of my marriage and this ignorance lead to unnecessary heartache. When my wife would desire to sit down and talk and think with me about everyday matters, I did not understand just how important these activities were to her. I treated them like items on a To Do List—check them off and be done with them. I did not understand that like foreplay, she enjoyed talking and thinking together with leisure and creativity. I have since learned to force myself to slow down and to be a better listener, knowing that she finds pleasure in these experiences and her pleasure is important to me. Now I find pleasure in these activities as well, but they still are not my primary paths toward intimacy. I’m still, after all, a guy.

Likewise, some wives may at first have to force themselves to move in the direction of their husband’s path toward intimacy. This is not to say that wives do not enjoy touching and other forms of physical togetherness. It’s just that for some it isn’t their primary form of expression. So for some wives, this could mean going on more walks together or taking up an activity that requires touching, like dancing. It may mean making sex more creative and frequent than before.

Christians More Passive

No discussion about the intersection between sexual and emotional fidelity and contemporary Christianity is complete without addressing pervasive passivity. Studies show that people who attend church have a more passive personality than the population in general (one study has the discrepancy at 60% to 85%). Passivity is sometimes a manifestation of cowardice, which is a sin (Revelation 21:8).

Passive people are more prone toward addiction. And this is particularly damaging when it comes to virtual infidelity, an ideal hiding place for the passive personality. Here passive people have their needs placated but never truly met; sexual arousal and emotional titillation, but never tenderness, adoration, and a soulful repose. Here the passive do not have to undergo the challenging duty of standing their ground and stating plainly what they desire as normal human beings. Passive personalities prefer that their spouse guess as to what they really want, which is unfair, confusing and fertile soil for inevitable resentment. And most passive spouses behave this way because they are fearful. There is a great acronym for fear that is helpful when understanding this side of virtual infidelity: False Evidence Appearing Real. Many times, though we might feel very uncomfortable at first, the fact remains that many of our fears are unfounded. Many spouses are willing to at least try to help the person they love to have their needs met in their marriage.

Honest, Frank Explanations

So for some husbands, an honest and frank explanation of just how important sexual intercourse is to them is in order. Wives are not born with this knowledge and our culture rarely reveals it, so they need husbands to tell them how difficult it is for them to keep their thought-life pure without their wives’ help. Likewise for wives, an honest and frank explanation of emotional connection may be in order, and probably has been for a while. Both genders need help understanding each other’s inner regions, which are both similar and unique, and they need to express these truths without anger, sarcasm or contempt (eye-rolling is the most common expression of contempt). During such times, putting your thoughts on paper beforehand helps to keep them straight in our minds. It is the foolish spouse who does not heed and honor such a tender and powerful revelation of the soul.

Being sexual and emotional are normal, healthy and right in marriage. There is no good reason to apologize for either desire since both come from the good hand of God. Having both needs met in a realistic fashion is among the main reasons we marry in the first place. These facts help to give us the courage we need to talk about them without whimpering or yelling.

And finally, a word of warning for all of us who live in our hyper-sexualized age: Erotic and highly emotional experiences are not meant to be consumed with great regularity. Like all things deep and sacred, they are not designed to be on tap 24/7. They are powerful, too powerful it seems, for the human soul to regularly absorb, very much like radiation, which also possessed a mysterious capacity to heal and curse. These facts help to put our good desires in perspective during our age of virtual infidelity.

Copyright © 2009, Paul Coughlin. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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Pornography Lies

Here are five things pornography teaches men about women.

by Gene McConnell, Keith Campbell

Pornography communicates its own “truths” about women. Unfortunately, they’re all lies:

  1. Lie: Women are less than human. The women in Playboy magazine are called “bunnies,” making them cute little animals or “playmates,” making them a toy. Porn often refers to women as animals, playthings, or body parts. Some pornography shows only the body and doesn’t show the face at all. The idea that women are real human beings with thoughts and emotions is played down.
  2. Lie: Women are a “sport.” Some sports magazines have a swimsuit issue. This suggests that women are just some kind of sport. Porn views sex as a game and in a game: You have to win, conquer or score.
  3. Lie: Women are property. It’s common to see pictures of the slick car with the sexy girl draped over it. The unspoken message is, “Buy one, and you get them both.” Hard-core porn carries this even further. It displays women like merchandise in a catalogue, exposing them as openly as possible for the customer to look at. It’s not surprising that many young men think that if they have spent some money taking a girl out, they have a right to have sex with her. Porn tells us that women can be bought.
  4. Lie: A woman’s value depends on the attractiveness of her body. Overweight or less attractive women are ridiculed in porn. They are called dogs, whales, pigs or worse, simply because they don’t fit into porn’s criteria of the perfect woman. In fact, if someone is attracted to a heavyset woman, porn labels that a fetish, which means sexual obsession or hang-up that isn’t “natural.” Porn doesn’t care about a woman’s mind or personality, only her body.
  5. Lie: Women like rape. “When she says no, she means yes” is a typical porn scenario. Women are shown being raped, fighting and kicking at first, and then starting to like it. Porn eroticizes rape and makes it arousing. Women are shown being tied up, beaten, and humiliated in hundreds of sick ways and finally begging for more. Even while being tortured, the porn actors and actresses have a smile on their face — a look of intense enjoyment. Porn teaches men to enjoy hurting and abusing women for entertainment.
Adapted from the Dare to Dig Deeper booklet “Toxic Porn”, by Gene McConnell and Keith Campbell. Copyright  © 1996 Focus on the Family.

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Pornography and Virtual Infidelity

by Paul Coughlin

The photograph was invented in 1839, and in just 11 quick years the word “pornographer” was seeded into our dictionary—unaware of the Zeus-like power and combustive fury that was to come as virtual infidelity would some day be as close as a harmless-blue Click Here.

Once a loathsome industry of photographing haggard prostitutes with drunken johns, this underground market, now more acceptable and mainstream due largely to Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine (first edition 1953), is today an estimated $4.9 billion behemoth. Earlier this decade the domain name business.com was sold for a record $7.5 million, as sex.com was valued at $65 million. Perhaps we should call it the Intercoursenet instead, as an estimated 28,258 people every second, mostly men (72%) but also women (28%) view pornography. Every 39 minutes a new pornographic video is being created in the United States.

Christians Aren’t Immune

Christians aren’t immune. When surveyed, 53% of men who attended Promise Keeper said they viewed pornography that week. More than 45% of Christians admit that pornography is a major problem in their home. An anonymous survey conducted recently by Pastors.com reported that 54% of pastors admitted viewing porn within the last year. In an online newsletter, 34% of female readers of Today’s Christian Woman admitted to intentionally accessing Internet porn. One out of every six women who read Today’s Christian Woman say they struggle with addiction to pornography (Today’s Christian Woman, Fall 2003).

If only virtual infidelity were limited to viewing strangers copulate in what was once considered a sacred act just a few decades ago. In order to save, heal and protect our marriages from porn, we need to adopt a broader understanding of this pernicious and slippery world, an understanding that currently and unfairly pins most virtual infidelity on husbands.

The fact remains that electronic media, which includes the Internet, hunts both genders. More and more women are not just viewing porn, they are entering anonymous chat rooms and are more likely to act out in real life what others just type about. And as marketers know, it has always been women who have fantasized about relationships with men other than their husbands through soap operas, not to mention romance novels and magazines such as Cosmopolitan and other little sisters of porn of another kind.

The virtual infidelity that separates husband from wife is more than visual, and has been since fantasy, escape, betrayal, and the need to be held, loved, and understood—in a word connected in body and soul, which is a gift from God. Think of virtual infidelity as anything—images, wood pulp with words on it, chat rooms with words in them—that replace your current spouse with someone else in the recesses of the undisclosed regions inside you, where discontent grows and festers into a new, ugly, and unintended creation.

Both Genders Are Tempted

As this series explains, virtual infidelity tempts both genders in similar and divergent ways. A husband’s temptation toward visual infidelity is erosive: visible from the outside and easier to spot. A wife’s temptation is more subtle and nuanced, making it corrosive: less visible, attacking from the inside and harder to spot, acknowledge and heal.

This double-bladed sword of virtual infidelity is the result of a good desire, human connection, gone in the wrong direction and missing its mark, which is part of the definition of sin. Deep physical and emotional connection can result in a blessed state of relaxation, escape, and elation (the French word for orgasm, La petite mort, means “little death” the loss of consciousness of the world around you). All are God-given, the result of his great love for us. These blessed gifts and connections create a kind of mini-vacation from the usual stress and strain of life that creates mysterious yet real bonds. Unfortunately, virtual infidelity tempts us to take mini-vacations with someone other than our spouse. We need to learn to take them with one another—a sacred and a times difficult act.

Solutions to virtual infidelity pivot from moving from illusion to reality and from a passive to an assertive stance in marriage. Husbands and wives need to bolster their courage and be honest about their intimacy desires, and at the same time, bolster their understanding and be realistic about that they should expect from a gender that is similar but also different.

Copyright © 2009, Paul Coughlin. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 8/17/2013 – Worn by Tenth Avenue North

This morning’s meeting was a musical topic where we played the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North and then shared on the lyrics of the song and how it impacted us.  Below are the lyrics and what I shared:

thestruggleI’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I’m worn even before the day begins
I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

There have been times in my recovery that I have felt worn out.  When I first heard this song I was studying for my professional engineering licensing exam and because of the class and study schedule spent countless hours away from my family, church, from meetings, recovery, and was feeling worn out.  I was getting up at 4am so I could work out, then staying up past 11pm so I could study, leaving very little time for sleep or family.  I heard this song and the words rang true to me.  The lines that stood out to me were “And my prayers are wearing thin, I’m worn even before the day begins, I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight” and those words kept haunting me over and over.  That is exactly how I was feeling.  Even when the test had passed, I still felt worn out.  I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to reach out and help others with the passion I had felt before, I wasn’t only worn, I was burned out in all aspects of my life, including my recovery.

The problem was, I my focus was not correct.  I was focusing on those few lines explaining how worn out I was and not focusing on the lines to the true source of my strength, Jesus Christ. “And I know that you can give me rest” and I’m worn so heaven come and flood my eyes, Let me see redemption win, Let me know the struggle ends, That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn…”  So my focus had been a real problem in my recovery.  Focusing on myself and my “high bottom problems” and not on the One that help carry my burden!

And for those in recovery that feel this way, all I can say is that it is ok to feel this way.  We all can feel this way and like me, the focus must be taken out of self and refocused onto Christ and others.  I had to go from inward focus to an outward focus so I could truly feel refreshed and my strength restored.

Take what you like and leave the rest.