CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

Emotions

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Remembering September 11, 2001

I still remember what I was doing on the morning of September 11, 2001; sitting in my office, ignoring what I thought was just a freak accident in New York City.  About an hour later, when I finally got up to watch the TV, I realized what was going on.

I received this video this morning via an e-mail subscription to God Tube and found it powerful 11 years after the September 11th attacks.  Please take a momen to watch this video and pray for the families of the people that were lost on that day, and pray for our nation.

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=0JF2BJNU

Amazing Grace – Beautiful September 11 Tribute
It still feels as though the tragedies of September 11 transpired just yesterday–our wounds are still healing, buildings are still under construction and questions are still unanswered. But one thing we can know for certain is the amazing grace we receive from our Lord and Savior–it is in Him that we find our true hope, healing, joy and restoration.

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Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic, 08/04/2012 – Step 8 Step Study

We made  a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since August is the 8th month, we reviewed Step 8 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

In understanding step 8, I must understand three core concepts.  The first concept is that the harm I have caused others was because of more than just my sexual acting out.  I admit that I had harmed numerous people directly and indirectly through my sexual activities, but the harm mentioned in Steps 5 and now in Step 8 has little to do with my sexual acting out.  The very first sentence of the SAA Green Book states it as clear as possible:

“With the Eighth Step, we begin to take responsibility for the harm we inflicted on others when we acted on our character defects.”

In reading this sentence, my list just got a lot longer.  Not only did I have to make amends to the countless victims of my sexual acting out, but now I also had to make amends to those I had harmed through my anger, impatience, procrastination, and other character defects.  I had lashed out in anger over trivial matters at work and I needed to add these people to my list.  I had lied to others about being late to meetings or appointments, I had to make amends to these people as well.

The second core concept is that in working Step 8, I only had to make a list.  I could not worry about the actual amends process, all I needed was a list of names and the harm I had done to them.  My list became rather long but my sponsor helped me trim it down by consolidating “anonymous” sex partners and separating them from people I actually associate with on a daily basis.  I would not make face-to-face amends with these former sex partners, but that is a discussion for next month and Step 9.  The bottom line is, make a list, that is all.  I couldn’t worry about how I was going to get in contact with these people or how I would make amends.  All I had to do is make a list with names and write down the specifics of how I harmed them with my character defects or my sexual acting out.

The third core concept is that I had to become willing to make amends to all of them.  Wanting to make amends and becoming willing to make amends are two different concepts.  I want to make amends to everyone I had harmed, but was I truly willing to do so?  I needed to review the harm I had caused them with my sponsor in step 8 (and later in again in step 9) and then become willing to make amends to them in order to “clean up my side of the street.”  For me, I was willing when I was able to empathize with the pain my character defects had caused them.  I was able to understand the harm I had caused them, leaving my selfish addicted-filled shell behind and truly empathized with these people.

Many tears were shed during my Step 8 meetings with my sponsor.  God had opened my eyes (and heart) to the harm I had caused others in my out-of-control lifestyle.  I was now ready to move on to working on Step 9.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Four Things I Learned That Helped My Marriage

Four Things I Learned That Helped My Marriage
by Wood F.
Oringinally posted to The City on June 3, 2012

I’m a fella who did not get what he deserved – I got grace, forgiveness and love.  Real love.  I’m coming up on a very important, personal anniversary this June 15th.  As I refect on these last 21 years of my life, I see some things God had done in the process of transforming me.

I’d like to share just some things, not all of them – and my sharing does not imply that I have acheived perfection in these things, just progress.  Perhaps by my sharing these things, you will find something helpful that you can usetoo.

First, I learned to communicate with my wife.  Nothing strikes utter fear and terror in the heart of a husband than to hear his wife say, “Honey, we have to talk”.  But, I learned how to listen to her and hear more than her words – I learned to hear her heart.  She learned that I am not always in touch with how I’m feeling or thinking about something, so she learned to help me get in touch with my own thoughts and feelings.  It wasn’t easy to accomplish this – but, we worked at it, hard, everyday – and still do.  I learned the art of communication cannot be accomplished passively.

Second, I learned that Betty is My Bride.  I call her that often, in fact, as often as I can.  I find it changes my attitude towards her.  Calling her “my wife” just seems like I’m identifying a possession, but calling her “My Bride”, well, that’s different.  I see her as a personal gift from God, like Eve was to Adam.  If I ever want to know how God feels about me, I just look over at her, and there is living, breathing proof that God knows me, cares for me and loves me.  I learned that when she challenges me and calls me into accountability, that I should listen to her. I find that if I’m getting defensive about something, then that usually means she is right.  I don’t always respond well to that kind of chastening, but I have discovered that she sees things I often overlook.  She fills in my blind spots for me and if I listen to her and heed her advice, life improves in many ways.  Her challenges to me, often save me from making foolish decisions.  See what a gift from God she is?  She is My Bride.

Third – I learned to spend time with her.  In fact, I would rather hang out with her than anyone else.  I would rather sit next to her on our Love Seat, than do anything else in the whole world.  That is a fact.  I would rather go to a movie, eat out, watch TV, clean house, do laundry, cook, drive somewhere, go camping or pretty much anything – as long as I can do it with her.  She is my best friend.  I carve out moments of the evening, days of the weekends, nights of the weekdays – just to be with her.  I text her, email her, call her – just to be in touch. She is priority number one.

Fourth, I learned to be her encourager.  I love nothing better than finding out what she would like to learn or experiment with, and make sure she can do it.  I love to brag on her talents, encourage her explorations and cheer her on when she is doing what she loves.  I don’t really care if what she wants to do costs money – so what?  I spend it on her and for her.  If I earn extra money by doing some side jobs, I love to give it to her or spend it on her.

My basic philosophy that guides me in all this is found in Ephesians 5:25-33

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

What that Scripture tells me, is that I am to give up my life for My Bride, just like Jesus gave up His life for His Bride.  I am to do all I can to make certain she knows how precious she is.  I am to do all I can to make certain she knows how loved she is.

If your marriage is in need of revival – if you feel your marriage is in trouble and you are looking for a sliver of hope to hang onto, then remember these words from Isaiah 42:3a, “

A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

God wants to your marriage to be a source of peace, contentment, restoration, fulfilment, satisfaction – and so many other good things.  Marrage is supposed to be a blessing.  If you will surrender your will to God, and allow Him to be in charge, your marriage can be so much more than you ever thought it could be.  You cannot do this apart from God.

I guess my words are meant mostly for husbands, so, fellas, get out there and love your Bride the way Jesus loves His church.

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Once an Addict, Always an Addict?

“Once an Addict, Always an Addict”

This phrase has been widely used to stereotype addicts for many, many years.  It is almost a “common” phrase whenever someone speaks about their loved one being addicted.  This term is also mainly used by those who don’t always understand the recovery process from addiction and what the actual term “addict” references.

Keep in mind that the following is only my own personal opinion on this subject of the use of the phrase “Once an addict, always an addict.”  In my own recovery process, this statement was said to a loved one about me.  I took quite a bit offense to this statement only because it made me feel like there was no hope, that I would always remain addicted to the chemicals produced by my brain during compulsive sexual behavior, and that I would continue to act out sexually the rest of my life.  It also scared my loved one, because they did not know much about the addiction at that time.

In looking at this term, one needs to distinguish between an active sex addict and a recovering sex addict.  An active sex addict, obviously, is one who is not in real sexual addiction recovery and continues to act out sexually.  This sex addict, although in “recovery,” could still be in a minimized state of denial where they see some sexual issues as acceptable that are typically unacceptable to even Christian non-addicts such as viewing pornography (I could spend hours and pages writing about how pornography affects the brain but this post is not about that topic).  The active addict will continue to seek out their high, usually through non-traditional acting out behaviors, until they break through the denial, live in honesty, and finally put a stop to the compulsive sexual behavior.

An addict in recovery, however, is no longer seeking ways to “beat the system” and is either living or trying to live a life of recovery.  An addict in recovery understands that recovery and life is progress not perfection, continuing to progress in their recovery, not continuing to live in their addiction.  When a sex addict finally breaks through the denial surrounding his life and truly gives himself to the program (including practicing rigorous honesty), then they are a “recovering sex addict.”

Furthermore, when one studies the brain scans of addicts versus those of healthy individuals; one can see an obvious difference.  However, with abstinence from drugs and alcohol, one can see through the brain scans that the brain of the addict slowly begins to resemble the brain of a healthy individual.  This healing of the brain will take time and abstinence from addictive behaviors, but it can and will happen.

                   
Brain on drugs                    Brain 1 Year Sober              Healthy Brain

Finally, when a sex addict enters recovery, they are asked to take a Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST) questionare that is then given to their therapist for them to review and score.  This questionare typically determines if the individual truly suffers from Sexual Addiction and if they do, the individual’s level of sex addiction.  Based on the behaviors from most of my life, I scored a 19 out of 20.  Now that is pretty bad.  But God has used that measure to show me His grace and the miracles only He can peform.  Although most sex addicts don’t retake the test, last year I decided to retake it based solely on my sexual activities in the first 2 years of my recovery.  The results are written below.  In theory, I am no longer a “sex addict” as defined by the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) based on the six categories that define Sexual Addiction.  I am by no means stating I am cured from sex addiction.  It is my personal belief that I will never be cured, but the disease has been slowed down enough where I can function as a healthy human being.  This is by no way “scientific” but it shows how a life of recovery from sexual addiction can actually be non-addictive and non-destructive.  If we are to become healthy, we must live a life of recovery.  The thumbnail chart at the top left of this paragraph is my score at entering recovery.  The thumbnail chart to the right is my score based on the first two years of working my recovery program.  A healthy sexual lifestyle is possible for all those who earnestly desire it!

As a recovering sex addict, I must always acknowledge the fact that if I let my guard down, I could fall back into the addiction either through a slip or relapse.  In understanding this fact, I realize that I will not always be an addict, but I will always be vulnerable to the addiction.  This being said, the correct term to be used for addicts should be as follows.

“Once an addict, always vulnerable”

I would ask that from now on this phrase be used when speaking to family, friends, spouses, or loved ones of addicts in recovery.  This phrase should also be used when speaking about yourself and your addiction recovery!

Take what you like and leave the rest.