CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Living in a State of Denial

Denial

Denial is a very interesting thing.  How do we know we are in denial if we are in denial?  The definition of the word denial is written below.

Denial

de·ni·al [dih-nahy-uhl] noun

1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew he had taken the purse. The politician issued a denial of his opponent’s charges.
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
5. refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor’s denial of his country; Peter’s denial of Christ.

These are great definitions of denial but don’t clearly fit my idea of denial when it comes to addiction so I choose to look at Wikipedia for their description:

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.

The above is a much better description of the type of denial to which I am referring.  When a person enters real recovery, they leave the state of denial that left them in their addiction.  However, for some who believe they are in recovery, they continue to deny or minimize the addiction to certain sexual behaviors allowing them to prolong or feed the addiction.  Until the sexual addict fully steps out of denial, practicing rigorous honesty, and accepts their compulsive sexual behavior as fact, they will not find help, freedom, or sobriety from their addictive behaviors.

Per Wikipedia:

The concept of denial is important in twelve-step programs, where the abandonment or reversal of denial forms the basis of the first, fourth, fifth, eighth and tenth steps. The ability to deny or minimize is an essential part of what enables an addict to continue his or her behavior despite evidence that—to an outsider—appears overwhelming. This is cited as one of the reasons that compulsion is seldom effective in treating addiction—the habit of denial remains.

To remain in denial is to remain in the addiction.  Making excuses or defending the use of pornography, for example, is a great case of denial for a sexual addict.  Until the addict realizes how addictive the chemical high produced by the brain during the viewing of pornography can really be, they will continue to slip and slide in their recovery (although deny that they have slipped or relapsed).  Quite a few have made excuses for the occasional use of pornography in their “recovery” or acceptance of such material as “allowed” in order to not feel shame or guilt because of viewing the material.  It is my opinion that this mentality, does not, and will not lead to sexual sobriety and instead will lead the addict back into compulsive sexual behaviors.  Another point of denial is the recovering sex addict that believes they can visit an adult oriented business, such as a strip club or adult book store, with “look but don’t touch” mentality.  This, again, is an example of making excuses and living in the addiction and in denial.  It is very important to be connected with a sponsor or someone else in recovery who can review our sexual behaviors especially if we use the “three circle” method used in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA).

In using the three circles, we might feel that we are “ok” by living in middle circle activity when in fact we should not even be engaging in that type of activity!  A sponsor can carefully evaluate the activity and see if we are in denial about our acting out and whether the activity needs to be moved into inner circle behavior.  Remember, the middle circle is for our protection to keep us away from compulsive sexual behaviors.  However, no activity in the middle circle should be “acceptable” and engaging in behaviors in the middle circle should sound alarms that something is not right in our recovery or life!  A more thorough analysis of the three circles will be made in a future blog post.

One of my favorite explanations of denial is an acrostic/acronym I once heard in a recovery meeting.

DENIAL – Don’t E ven kNow I Am Lying

When we work our Steps 1 and 4, we can see where we consistently lied to ourselves about issues concerning our compulsive sexual behavior to the point that we didn’t even realize that we were lying!  Compulsive sexual behavior became so ingrained in our lives that we saw it as truth and excused our actions with “everybody does it,” regardless of how insane our behaviors became.  In working a Step 5, we receive help from our sponsor and the Holy Spirit in further stepping out of any denial that may remain in our addictive sexual behavior.  Our sponsor and conviction by the Spirit can help point out parts of our lives where we may still live in denial of certain character defects or activities.  Then, we can step out of denial and realize that we had been lying to ourselves the entire time; we can begin to live in the truth!

It isn’t until we step out of our denial of our addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors and all activities associated with the behavior that we can fully enter a manner of living honestly and fully enter recovery as a lifestyle.  When we fully enter recovery, we relocate; we not longer live in the great State of Denial!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic 06/16/2012 – Psalm 103

This week’s Castimonia meeting topic is that of Psalm 103.  As part of my recovery, I have been reading through the Bible for the past 4 years.  One of the things I have learned is to personalize my Bible readings so that it relates more to me and not all others.  In recovery, I have learned that I tend to think goodness is for others and I am not worthy of God’s grace.  When I personalize passages, it brings God’s word alive in my life.

Psalm 103
Of David. (JLS)

1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all (my) sins
and heals all (my) diseases,
4 who redeems (my) life from the pit
and crowns (me) with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies (my) desires with good things
so that (my) youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat (me) as (my) sins deserve
or repay (me) according to (my) iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed (my) transgressions.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how (I was) formed,
he remembers that (I am) dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with (my) children’s children —
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

As I read Psalm 103, a few points stand out.  In the Psalm written above, I have changed some of the words written by King David to reflect personalization of this Psalm.  As a facilitator and having attended several groups, I and me statements are key in sharing so as to personalize the share.  Therefore, I substituted the words I, My, and Me for the original text, thus personalizing this Psalm. I call it the JLS version.  Truth be told, I believe the NLT version does something similar.  I used the NIV version for this post.

Lines 2, 3, 4, and 5 are some of my favorites.  Beginning with Line 2, I read how I must not forget all the benefits God has and in Line 3, I am reminded that He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.  Moving onto Line 4, I read that God redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion.  And finally, in Line 5, I am reminded that, in my recovery, I am now satisfied with good, non-addictive things thus renewing my youth.

One focus point for me, personally, is where I read “who redeems (my) life from the pit and crowns (me) with love and compassion.” In my life, and especially in my addiction, I have been in that pit.  I thought I was so far down in the pit that there was no hope for me but to live in the pit the rest of my life.  My addiction went so far down the scale that I now know that no human power could have restored me.  I now know that God redeemed my life from the pit of my addiction and crowned me with love and compassion.  I did not receive what I deserved.  I received love and compassion from those around me, God’s love, because as humans, they could not have shown me love and compassion for what I had done.

The next line, Line 5, is also a nugget of gold in my recovery.  My youth has been renewed because I now satisfied with good things; my God, my family, my recovery, etc…  In my past, I was always trying to be satisfied with the addiction and the next best “high.”  This next best “high” was never achieved, nor could it ever be truly achieved.  I would have continued until I was exhausted and dead and would have never been satisfied.  I was exhausted when I would finish, and then start again.  It was a never ending struggle, completely draining to me.  Now my life is filled with good things, non-exhaustive things that satisfy me.  I always say that my worst day in recovery is still better than my best day in the addiction, this line signifies why!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Thursday Night Meeting

Just a reminder to everyone that we are starting a third weekly Castimonia meeting on Thursday nights!  The meeting will be held “off campus” at another church who was gracious enough to donate one of their rooms for this Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery group!

I look forward to seeing you this Thursday night!

Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
Time: Thursday Nights, 7:00PM – 8:30PM
Location: Grace Fellowship United Methodist Church – Epicentre Youth Building, Room 213
2655 South Mason Road
Katy, TX  77450
281.646.1903

  
Map to Church                            Campus Map

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Intimacy, what is it?

Intimacy, what is it?

It seems that the word is often misused in today’s society.  The word “intimacy” or “intimate” is used a lot to discuss sexual relations with one another.  The reason I state it is misused is because the physical part of intimacy (sex) is only one of three parts.  Below is the actual definition of the word:

in·ti·ma·cy /ˈɪntəməsi/ [in-tuh-muh-see] noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

When I first entered recovery I really didn’t understand the meaning of the word or the different types of intimacy.  I always thought, as many still do, it meant “meaningful” sexual intercourse with another human being such as a spouse or committed partner.  Men would use the word “intimate” to signify they had sexual intercourse with their wives.  It wasn’t until our couple’s therapist pointed out a peculiar pronunciation of the word “Intimacy” that it began to click.

Although it isn’t actually pronounced as follows, he referred to intimacy as “In to Me See” which explained a lot.  That really is the definition of intimacy, to be close, familiar and loving in a personal relationship with another person or group.  To see into the other person, to get to know the other person on a deeper level, is what intimacy truly is.

Once I understood the word intimacy, I was able to break up the meaning into three categories:

  1. Spiritual
  2. Emotional
  3. Physical

Spiritual
Intimacy with God is paramount for us to be able to establish intimacy with others.  Spiritual intimacy between two humans can be a very powerful expression of connection and love.  When we are in deep prayer with our brothers in recovery or with our spouses, we open up a connecting bond that is truly incredible.  When we pray, our brains light up, our focus becomes much less about ourselves, and more about others and especially God.  Praying together, deeply, is one of the most powerful representations of intimacy that I believe can be achieved.  I believed God designed us to feel this intimacy with Him and with one another, when we pray!

Emotional
Emotional intimacy between two humans occurs when they share with one another their thoughts and feelings.  Sharing can be a very difficult thing for a lot of us in recovery.  Why? – Because we can’t trust anyone but ourselves!  We grew up with this mentality and trusting others with our thoughts and feelings would end badly for us.  After all, if someone knew who I really was, what I had done, what I think about, or how I am feeling, they wouldn’t like us, much less love us.  This is a common misbelief all addicts have.  This is why it is important to open ourselves up and share our thoughts and feelings in group meetings, with our accountability partners, with our sponsor, with our therapist, and even with our wives.  Sharing breaks down the walls of isolation and allows us to feel loved for who we really are not some façade we have created.

Physical
Finally, we arrive at physical intimacy; the intimacy that is most widely used.  However, physical intimacy does not always mean sexual intercourse.  Understand that intimacy is much deeper than just sex.  Heterosexual men can be physically intimate with one another without sexual intercourse.  There are many aspects of physical intimacy that should be analyzed.  However, for the sake of time and space on this blog, I will only briefly list and describe a few.  Holding hands is considered physical intimacy.  When we hold hands with another man either in meetings or in recovery exercises, we establish a small bond of physical intimacy.  Holding hands with our loved ones can be something very special; don’t ignore the opportunity to do so!  Hugging is also considered physical intimacy.  When we hug one another, we are exhibiting trust and building of intimacy either between two men or a man and his wife.  I would caution, though, that unmarried friends of the opposite sex not get into a habit of physical touch such as hugging or friendly kissing as we don’t want to end up where some of us started, in intimate relationships with a woman other than our wife!  Kissing is considered an act of physical intimacy, but we usually do this with our wives or a committed partner.  Kissing doesn’t have to be romantic or passionate to be intimate, a simple peck on the lips or cheek can be an act of physical intimacy.  And finally, non-compulsive sexual contact with our wife is the ultimate sign of pure, physical intimacy between a husband and wife.  When both partners are willing to know and trust one another so deeply that they become sexually intimate, it creates an amazing thing between the two and with God.  God smiles when we are sexually intimate with our wives!  In recovery, I have learned what great physical, sexual intimacy really is, it is a non-shameful sexual connection with my wife that nothing else in my addiction could ever come close to besting!

I hope you have noticed the order in which I wrote this discussion on intimacy.  I believe there is a reason for this order and that intimacy must begin with our spirits and God, then with other human beings on an emotional level, and finally, after both spiritual and emotional intimacy has been established, move on to the physical intimacy!  It is important to keep this in mind the next time we want to jump to the physical, sexual intimacy with our wives yet haven’t worked on the spiritual and emotional parts first!

All the above has been my own personal description of intimacy.  However, I believe one of the best descriptions of overall intimacy was presented to me during one of my Sex Addiction Specialist training sessions.  The quote below was adapted from Claudia Black.

“Intimacy is when I give the other the very weapons of my destruction (in my case the knowledge of and truth about me). Then, after taking the risk to share, the other uses the weapons of my destruction – not to destroy me, but to defend me.” 

I experienced this after doing my clinical disclosure to my wife and then my formal first step in recovery.  Both my wife and the men who heard my first step could have easily used the information I had given them to destroy my life, but instead they have chosen to use it to defend me!  My wife and the men in my recovery group know more about me than any other set of human beings alive, more than my own family of origin.  I challenge you to find that kind of love and support, to be truly intimate with each other as God intended.  Then to support and defend one another with the knowledge you have gained.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Castimonia Saturday Morning Meeting Topic – 3/31/2012

The Iceberg Model

In today’s Castimonia meeting I presented what is referred to as the “Iceberg” Model of behavior and addiction.   I was fortunate enough to come across these two great articles (linked at the bottom) on the front page of the Focus on the Family website.  I remember reviewing the Iceberg Model in my Sex Addiction Specialist training but it seems we did not spend enough time on it.  However, the two-part article linked at the bottom does an excellent job at explaining the concept.  For the sake of the meeting time and group sharing, I will try to summarize it to the best of my ability.

The diagram to the left was passed out during our meeting.  It displays the overall concept of the Iceberg Model.  In understanding this model a reference to the Titanic was made.  This reference, quoted below, came from the first part of the article linked at the bottom.

Titanic Parallel Quote:

“A computer simulation of the crash indicated there would have been less damage and loss of life if the ship had hit the iceberg head-on, instead of trying to skirt around it at the last minute. That point hits close to home, too, doesn’t it? Even when our foolhardy behaviors lead us on a collision course, we do all we can to avoid the impact, rather than face our struggle head on. We deny, lie, ignore, shift blame, lash out, and further medicate ourselves to avoid coming to the conclusion that our life is quickly sinking.”

Many times during our addiction-filled years, when a partner caught us, we tried to minimize the behavior or problem.  We used lines such as “every guy does it” or “it’s not as bad as you think.”  It is only when we confront the problem with the truth, that we begin to find healing!

Behaviors:

At the top of the iceberg and above the water line are the behaviors.  These behaviors are what are noticeable to others and to ourselves (particularly when we step out of our denial).  These “acting-out” behaviors can be explosive rage and anger, excessive alcohol drinking, illegal drug use, use of pornography, or sexually acting out in destructive ways.  These behaviors are visible and tangible items.  In recovery, we learn to stop these behaviors.  However, that is not enough.  Simply stopping the behaviors will not allow God to heal us.  Other destructive behaviors may come forward to take the place of the subdued behavior.  A sex addict may being compulsive eating.  An alcoholic may have fits of anger and rage.  A drug user may begin acting out sexually.  We call this the “whack-a-mole” syndrome.  When one acting out behavior is subdued, another one pops up elsewhere!

Thoughts:

One level beneath the water surface are our thoughts.  We examine what we are thinking and why.  We look at ourselves and what we think about ourselves, what negative thoughts we have been fed or have fed ourselves.  We look at our “stinking thinking” and bring it out to the open.  In the open, we can analyze and allow for clarity and healing.  We use our recovery tools to stop these intrusive thoughts, even sexual ones!

Emotions:

Moving down to the next section, we view our personal emotions.  We need to be able to ask ourselves, “What am I feeling?” or “Why am I feeling this way?”  It may not seem “manly” to get in touch with our feelings, but this is a very important part of why we act out.

“Left untreated, emotional wounds fester, leading to pain worse than the original wound. Paradoxically, until the painful consequences of our reactive behavior feels worse than the emotional pain we’re trying to medicate, we will continue to engage in harmful behaviors. In other words, we only stop when the iceberg sinks us.”

We need to understand our feelings in order to find healing.  As the old saying goes, “God heals what I feel.”

Spirit:

Finally, at the base, we look at our spirit.  Our spirit is where we are most like God.  I believe God has designed us to need and want him.  The quote below summarizes this concept.

“Many refer to the “God-shaped void” we supposedly have inside us. A more complete view of our spirit reveals that God created us to need, above all else, intimacy. By our nature, we are driven to seek an intimate connection with Him. No drug, religion, person, sex act, or consuming hobby can ever take the place of that connection.”

It is also important to distinguish between religion and a relationship with God.  What we need in recovery is a relationship with God.  Unfortunately, many of us (myself included) have dived into a religion rather than a relationship with God.  It is the relationship we need to seek to fill the void inside us.  No religious ritual will ever replace an intimate relationship with God.  A perfect example in the way I have set a barrier is in trusting God. “Am I able to transfer trust to God when it comes to issues like my relational, emotional, spiritual, and physical security? ”  This is a question I will want to quickly answer “yes” until I think about my family.  I am very quick to take all power from God and hold it for myself when it comes to the security and safety of my family.  This is one place I want to let go and let God.  Baby steps….

Take what you like and leave the rest!

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 1

ARTICLE: Understanding Intimacy Disorder and Addictions 2