CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

amends

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Amends…Should I?

We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. – Step 9

Amends. Amends are defined as to compensate or make up for a wrongdoing. For me, Step 9 seemed overwhelming and terrifying. But necessary. Something I couldn’t not do. By the time I reached this step, I had been in recovery for almost a year. I had disclosed my wrong doings to my wife, read my first step in front of a room full of men at a Castimonia meeting, and shared my step five, the core of my addiction, with a friend who had no idea what addiction was or the impact on others. Making amends didn’t seem like a choice more like a given. 

After I made amends…to my wife, my kids, my mother, former co-workers, my friends…I got to see God work in the aftermath first hand. Some of those relationships ended. A few without acknowledgment. A couple of former co-workers heard my amends and dismissed them, choosing to hold on to who I was and what I had done before. 

Many relationships gained a level of closure. My mother and were strained at the end of her life. I loved her but couldn’t have her negativity and unhealthiness as a part of my every day. I was able to get to a detente, a peace, with her. I explained to her how I felt I had wronged her, how my behavior had been disappointing and detrimental to her and my father. She didn’t want to hear it, wanting to excuse it and let me off easily, but I asked her to let me finish. She did, was gracious, and we had the rest of her time together without walls between us.

Some relationships have been restored. My oldest son saw the betrayal I had towards him and his brother and mother, and completely shut me out for over a year. He refused to speak to me or acknowledge me. He sought his own healing and recovery, found it, and in the process allowed me to be his Dad again. My youngest son only asked me to do one thing…don’t lie to him anymore. 

And my wife…my wife has spent the last 3 plus years trying to muscle past the totality of deception and hurt I inflicted on her, forget it, bury it deep, and act as if it didn’t happen.  She did so because she thought that would restore our relationship, not seeing that she needed that time to recover and heal. When the hurt and resentments became too much for her, she started seeing a counselor, finding health and allowing our two to become one again.

But what if I hadn’t chosen to make amends? What would have happened? This question occurred to me while reading Proverbs. In chapter 5, starting in verse 11, Solomon reveals a picture of a man at the end of his life, lamenting the results of his adultery and refusal to repent:

“And when you groan at your latter end, When your flesh and your body are consumed; And you say, “How I have hated instruction! And my heart spurned reproof! And I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, Nor inclined my ear to my instructors! I was almost in utter ruin in the midst of the assembly and congregation.”

I had a very good friend who passed away about a year ago. He knew me before and after recovery. We had similar jobs, boys who were close in age, and met for coffee together over the years. In the midst of my early recovery, he confessed to me that he and his wife had separated, and that he had fallen in love with another woman from work. I asked if he had been pursuing that relationship prior to leaving his wife…and he wouldn’t answer. 

We spoke a number of times over the next few months. Through his divorce, cancer diagnosis, new marriage, and pain and dismay at the toll all of this was taking on his boys. His health deteriorated and his personal life continued to be a source of constant regret. Prior to his death, he told me that he never should have divorced his first wife, that he regretted the impact on his sons, his family, and his legacy. His legacy…that got my attention.

Recently I was talking with a great friend in recovery. He was stuck in his step work and reached out for help much as I have reached out to him in the past. You know how you meet guys who you can just see what God is going to do through them for others, he is one of those guys. He was asking a couple of us experienced (older I think is what he actually meant) guys on how he can get motivated to move forward. I shared with him the impact of amends. The gift of giving that to your wife, your friends, your kids, your co-workers…giving them that opportunity to release that hurt and resentment. Of how he was depriving them of that chance to let go. 

What I missed at the time was also what he was missing. He was missing the front row seat to watch God work in hurt, resentment, difficulty, pain…and use it for His will. And to build a new legacy…one of transparency, humility, and submission to God.

Not a bad way forward.

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Zacchaeus – Repentant Taxman

by applyingmybeliefs

Luke 19:8-9 – And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.”  ESV

Zacchaeus was a short man with a big bank account.  Most of this came from his tax collecting activities where he was the conduit between the regular tax collectors and the governing authorities, and he skimmed off the top, or took a personal commission.  This meant that he was a thief, a thief with a high legal position.  In the story (Lk 19:1-10) we see some important truths.

First, Zacchaeus was very keen to see Jesus; he had to climb up a tree.  To put that in perspective, it would be like a high level IRS agent, a high paid bureaucrat, used to getting his way, having to demean himself.  Second, that Jesus saw him up the tree, and recognized that Zacchaeus was ready to repent.  Third, when all the regular folk saw that Jesus was going to the home of Zacchaeus they condemned Him.  Fourth, Zacchaeus, as a result of his encounter with Jesus, was able to shift from a desire to repent through to a choice to make amends.

The fifth and last point has a large significance for us in Christian recovery.  As a result of this choice to make amends Jesus indicates that salvation came to the entire household of Zacchaeus.  While Jesus was undoubtedly stating the household of Zacchaeus was saved, as in born again, our application is different.  For a Christ follower who takes the path of repentance and amends the salvation is in the form of sanctification, or a cleaning up of our internal darker places.

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Living Amends – VIDEO

I recently saw the movie The Monuments Men and thought it was fantastic.  I especially loved the part that in this movie, one of the characters, 2nd Lt. Donald Jeffries is a recovering alcoholic who basically allows God to change his life so that he can serve as part of this unit of troops dedicated to saving works of art during World War II.

The plot of this movie has been pasted below courtesy of Google:

During World War II, the Nazis steal countless pieces of art and hide them away. Some over-the-hill art scholars, historians, architects, and other experts form a unit to retrieve as many of the stolen masterpieces as possible. The mission becomes even more urgent when the team learns about Hitler’s “Nero Decree,” which orders destruction of the artworks if the Third Reich falls. Caught in a race against time, the men risk their lives to protect some of mankind’s greatest achievements.

What I saw in this movie was a great example of someone in recovery writing an Amends Letter as well as displaying the concept of Living Amends.  This is a great example for someone working Step Nine of the Twelve Steps on how to make amends to those that we cannot or should not contact.

I hope you enjoy watching this video as much as I enjoyed creating it.  As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

FAIR USE NOTICE: This video may contain copyrighted material. Such material is made available for purposes such as criticism, comment, teaching, & education, etc. This constitutes a ’fair use’ of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U.S.C. section 107 of the US Copyright Law NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED! All trademarks and copyrights remain the property of their owners.

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Castimonia Monday Night Meeting Topic – Step 9 Step Study

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:10,18)

Today’s meeting is the first meeting of the month which is typically a “Step Study” of the corresponding month.  Since September is the 9th month, we reviewed Step 9 in both The Twelve Steps for Christians and the SAA Green Book.

I believe the most important reason to make amends is to clean up “our side of the street.”  When we make amends to others, we are not asking for their forgiveness, we are simply taking ownership of what we did to wrong them and offering to “pay” for the damage we caused.  This “payment” can be done in terms of actual money or other non-financial reparations that need to be made in order to offset the damage we have done, such as being emotionally present if we were emotionally absent in our addiction.

In making amends, we do not concern ourselves with the out come of the amends or the other person’s reaction.  Their reaction is not a reflection on how well or poorly we made amends, that is their business and none of ours.  Our only task in making amends is to take ownership for what we did wrong and make amends as previously mentioned.

Some of the best amends we can make to others are what are called “living amends” or basically a change in lifestyle.  When our friends, family, etc… see that we are now living a different lifestyle filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, then our amends become living.  The change that began in the first few steps is now seen as evident when we make amends to others.  This change continues as we grow in maturity and in connection with God.

Finally, we must understand the second part of step 9 – except when to do those would injure them or others.  This is extremely important if our amends to certain individuals will harm them more than do good.  Perhaps they no long wish to have any contact with us, therefore, we respect their decisions and make amends privately, written in a letter form, to our Sponsor.  This is also true for those of us who are married and wish to make amends to old acting-out partners.  Amends to these past partners should only be done if our spouse approves of the amends and method, and maybe tags along too!  Many spouses do not want the addict to make contact with old acting-out partners, which is a completely acceptable request from the spouse.  In these cases, we also write letters to our old acting out partners and read those amends letters to our sponsor.