CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

K.LeVeq

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Being Present

Checking out was my way of being selfish. When I reflect on how I was before, it’s hard for me to understand how I could purposefully miss so much. That’s exactly what I did, purposefully miss so much of my marriage. Events in my sons’ lives that seemed small at the time but seem gigantic now. Thinking about those specific times, I feel like an outsider. Around sometimes but never fully there. Just on the periphery. Watching but not participating. Missing all the important moments.

As I think about many of those times now, I can’t for the life of me understand how pursuing personal gratification was more important than my wife or my boys. The list of events I missed is long. The number of things I was physically present for and mentally absent is much much longer. A lot of those times I remember from photos but the actual memories are a blur. Like I saw a snippet of a video but didn’t really see the whole thing. I have the Cliff’s notes version of parts of my memories. 

I am reminded of what I have missed by those that were present. My wife and I are remodeling a house and preparing to move. We were pulling out old pictures and came upon some from my oldest son’s junior year. It was when he had a lead role in his high school play. I made it back for the performance after having revealed to my wife and sons that I wanted to leave them. My wife let me know that I could come home if I would walk away from that affair partner. I took the way out and ran towards home. Only I still wasn’t completely present. 

My oldest son saw the picture and the look on his face. He commented how painful that time was. How justified he and his brother were for hating me during that time. Later, I realized how much he hated me. In that picture, during that moment, I had no idea. Looking at his face in that photo now, I see the pain and hurt at one of the most important times in his life. That pain and hurt is ingrained in his expression because of me. I feel like throwing up just thinking about it and what I did to him.

My youngest son likes to go to Starbucks for coffee, really because he likes getting out of the house and driving. He is graduating from high school this year. Any time he asks me to ride with him, I go. We were recently driving when a song came on the radio. He got very quiet. I didn’t understand what was going on. He immediately turned off the music, which is very unlike him. I asked him what was going on. 

“I can’t listen to that song,” he said.

“Why not,” I asked? “What’s wrong with it?”

“Don’t you remember it,” he asked?

“No, I don’t. Should I?”

“It was popular when you and Mom were fighting so much. Right after you came back home.”

Ugh. I could see the lines at the corners of his mouth turning down. The stress across his brow. The pain that hadn’t dissipated from four years prior. Still just under the surface.

“I know you and I have talked a lot about that time. I just want you to know again how sorry I am for how I hurt you and your brother and especially your Mom. Nothing can excuse that. I am so sorry.”

“I know,” he said.

“You and I also talked about how I could make amends to you. The only way I know how is to be a good Dad, be present, and always tell you the truth. Is there anything else I can do,” I asked?

“No, just do that. Be honest. Tell me the truth. And be here.”

COVID-19 and the results of a global pandemic have been overwhelming to so many people. Sickness, death, job loss, economic hardship, food shortages, isolation. The effects are still being meted out on all of us. As I search through the circumstances of now and look for how God can use this for His benefit, the one area I see is the ability to be present. In the midst of all of this, I have been allowed to spend so much time with my wife and kids. Even as they are out of the house or about to be out, they have both been staying with us through this. I can’t even quantify how incredible this time has been with them.

Keith B. NotUnknown.com

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Thank you God for giving me an opportunity to be present.

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How’s your side of the street?

Psalm 94:19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Since COVID-19 took over our lives, I have struggled with worry. No, worry isn’t right. Anxiety is more accurate. It’s weird. I know I have experienced much worse situations. My wife discovering my infidelity. My sons not speaking to me for months after that. Losing my job multiple times. The death of both of my parents within 1 year of each other. Real devastating issues. For some reason, though…my anxiety has been crippling. Which really makes me laugh when I stop and think about how my current situation compares to previous experiences.

I haven’t slept well. For the last few weeks I have probably averaged 4-5 hours a night, tops. My schedule, stability, all are off. I like routine. I didn’t realize how important that was to me until recently. My routine isn’t routine. I can’t get into a groove. Work, life, marriage, my kids, my job, church. All are off. I don’t quite know what to do about it. So far I have just not done anything. Except whine, obviously.

My wife and I take walks every day. It’s part of our routine. A major part of our intimacy building. And something we just both crave. Even when I travel, which I usually do a lot for work, we take a walk together on a video call. It’s our time to catch up, listen, talk about our lives, the future, our boys, our struggles, our hopes, dreams…and then we stop on a bench along the lake and we pray together. This part of my day has been transformational for my marriage…and my own recovery. 

One of my wife’s strengths is that she is a truth teller. I didn’t recognize this until very recently. She has always been a truth teller. I just didn’t realize how important that part of her character was to me. I come from a family of untruth tellers. We hide stuff. We cover up. We don’t talk about things. We try to ignore them so they go away. We don’t want anyone to see under the tent. To know what exactly happens. That is my family of origin. And only later did I realize how shocking my wife had to have been to my family. She certainly was to me. 

So we stopped along the lake the other day, and we did what we always do. We started talking about what was on our minds. What we wanted to pray about. So she asked me,

“You have been really on edge. I am worried about you. What’s going on? Do I need to be worried?”

“No,” I said. “It’s just all this. Everything. My job, you, the boys, our finances. It’s a lot.”

“Is something wrong at work,” she asked? “What happened? I know you are having a hard time with your boss.”

“Yes, it’s just getting to me. I hate working on this project but I don’t want to not be on a project right now. Not a good time.”

“No, it’s not. Do you like the work still. Is it that? Or just your boss on this?”

“I don’t appreciate how this boss treats me. Nothing is ever right.”

“So let me ask you something. What do you tell your guys when you hear them complain that their wife isn’t responding fast enough, isnt recovering quick enough? What do you say?”

“I say to control what they can control. Take care of their side of the street. That’s all they can do. The rest is God’s job.”

“Yes, that is right,” she said. “So why are you spending all your energy freaking out about your boss? Why don’t you just do what you can do…your work. Do it the best way you can.”

That woman pisses me off sometimes. Especially when she is right. I would like to say since that conversation, I have slept well every night. I haven’t. I have stopped when my anxiety is ramped up and remembered step 3…that I committed to turn my life and my will over to the care of God. Including my anxiety. How’s your side of the street? Mine is still messy…but improving.

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast #23: The Perfect Storm

Bonus Episode 23 – The Perfect Storm 

Where were you when everything stopped? I was traveling for work. Asking why. 

I think that maybe just maybe…God is using this time because He knows it’s how he can bring so many back to Him. When they, like I did, reach the end of themselves. 

 

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast #22: God, How Could You?

Bonus Episode 22 – God, How could you?

I didn’t understand how could God let the things happen to me that led me to addiction? How could he let them happen to my wife? God, How could you?

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Are you trustworthy?

“How do I know you won’t do it again?”

Have you been asked that question? Has your spouse, kids, partner, parents, people who love you…how many times have they asked you that question? I thought it was just a lack of trust due to my years of deception that led to my wife and kids asking me that. I found it it’s more than that. Its really a question of “how do I know you won’t hurt me again?”

This week, my wife traveled back to our home state to see her Mom. She’s in her 80’s and starting to have health issues. Late one night, my wife texted me, obviously upset. She had seen an old Facebook memory come up on her phone. It was a reminder of what life was like then, of my old behavior and the damage and hurt I had caused her.

The questions started coming quickly:

“What are you doing? Why didn’t you respond quicker? I get very worried leaving you alone. How do I know you aren’t going to go back to your same things again?”

Her hurt and pain and fear all exposed at once. My immediate response, no my immediate desire was to flee…or change the subject. Manipulate the situation. Talk about something else. Anything. Just not have to face her hurt. The hurt I caused.
That is how I responded to uncomfortable questions or concerns or anything else that was too intrusive. I fled. I would like to say how I used to respond. But that isn’t right. Or truthful. I instinctively want to move my wife or kids or whoever I am being challenged by off of the topic that’s causing me pain. Only, this time I didn’t.

What’s worrying you right now,” I asked? “What’s got you upset that you think I might be doing?”

I have been this brave before. Stepping into her hurt enough to ask what was causing it. But then going off the rails and becoming defensive and challenging. Saying things like “can’t you tell how different I am” or “I can’t believe you don’t see I am not like that anymore.” I stopped myself. I just shut up and listened.

“Its still there. The hurt. The triggers. I hate when they come up but they do. Constantly,” she said.<

“I am so sorry for that. I love you and am right here.”

And that was it. That was what she needed to know. That I recognized her hurt. I didn’t minimize it. I just listened, acknowledged, and supported. I didn’t try to avoid and I didn’t try to fix.

Tomorrow or next week or next month she will probably get triggered again, ask how she could possibly know I won’t do it again, and respond in hurt and anger. Pray for me that I can remember to step into her hurt, support her, love her, and pray for her. Just as she has supported me.