CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

forgiveness

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Does Forgiveness Mean Instant Trust?

SOURCE:  Leslie Vernick

Can I Trust You?

Sometimes the burden to trust again has been unfairly placed upon the shoulders of the betrayed person and linked with forgiveness. The thinking goes like this: if you forgive me, then what happened between us is in the past. We don’t need to discuss this anymore and trust should be automatically restored.

But that’s not true.

We can genuinely forgive someone and still not trust him (or her).

Forgiveness is something we do because God calls us to do it, not necessarily because someone is sorry, repentant, or is genuinely interested in rebuilding trust. However, reconciliation of the relationship, including trusting again, requires forgiveness but not just forgiveness. It also requires the one who broke trust to show genuine repentance as well as make efforts to rebuild broken trust.

Typically we think of broken trust, especially in marriage, only in the sexual realm. However below are three additional areas where trust can be broken and must be rebuilt if a relationship is to be restored.

1.  Authenticity: People immediately mistrust someone who feels false. When you are married to someone, work with someone, or are close to someone who has one persona in public and another in private, you intuitively do not trust him, even when you have no specific reason not to. You don’t trust his public persona (i.e. great guy), because you also bear witness to his or her hypocrisy elsewhere. This person’s core self is not authentic and therefore he cannot or should not be trusted.

To rebuild trust with someone who has been inauthentic requires him or her to acknowledge his or her false image and learn to be more real. In most instances a person who has a double self will not acknowledge it nor do they typically change. When confronted, they just get more devious.

2. Reliability: When we are in relationship with someone, personal or professional, we want to know whether we can count on that person to do what he says he will do. Or, likewise, can I trust that he will stop doing the things that he says he will stop doing?

In rebuilding broken trust with someone who has a track record of unreliability, we must look at what the person does, not what the person says that he or she will do. For example, does he say he will put filters on his computer but never does? Does she say she will stop drinking, or spending money on the credit card but does nothing? Does he say he wants restoration of the marriage but won’t go to counseling or do any work towards that end? Does she tell you she will make more efforts to call you and reach out to you in order to have a more mutual relationship but her promises don’t turn into real phone calls?

Proverbs 25:19 says, “Putting confidence in an unreliable person in times of trouble is like chewing with a broken tooth or walking on a lame foot.” It’s foolish.

John Mark was someone who was not reliable and as a result, lost the apostle Paul’s trust (See Acts 15). Later on we see that trust was restored, not because Paul gave him trust, but because John Mark proved he was reliable and Paul’s trust was restored (2 Timothy 4). In the same way, building consistent reliability into our character rebuilds broken trust, not empty promises.

3. Care: In our closest relationships we ask ourselves: can I trust that you care for my good? My well-being?  When I share my thoughts and feelings do you hear me? Value me? Protect me? Or is there mocking, contempt, avoidance, or indifference? Proverbs 31:11,12 says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” Why?  Because, “He trusts her to do him good not harm all the days of his life.”

One of the foundations of relational trust is that love does not intentionally harm the other (Romans 13:10).  And, if in weakness and sin there is harm, every effort is made to make amends and not repeat that harm.

A destructive person does not want to hear the other person’s grievances against him. It’s true; it does hurt our feelings (and pride) to hear how we have hurt someone. It takes effort to listen and care about the other person’s feelings when you have broken her trust. Yet without consistent compassion, empathy, and care for the other, rebuilding trust is not possible. And if we don’t trust that someone cares for our well being, a close relationship with that person is not possible.

Rebuilding broken trust takes time and specific evidence of change, not merely words or promises of change.  

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Forgive Because You’re Forgiven

SOURCE:  Rick Warren

“Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:13 NLT, second edition).

The Bible says there are three reasons you have to let go of your past and the people who’ve hurt you, and the reasons have nothing to do with whether that person deserves it or not.

  1. You have to forgive those who’ve hurt you because God has forgiven you.  

    Colossians 3:13 says, “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (NLT, second edition). If you want to be a forgiving person, you need to first accept the forgiveness of God through Jesus Christ. The Bible said that God came to Earth in human form in Jesus in order to forgive everything that’s ever been done wrong. He paid for it so we don’t have to. That’s Good News.

  2. You have to forgive those who’ve hurt you because resentment controls you.

    The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:9, “Only fools get angry quickly and hold a grudge” (CEV). Resentment makes you miserable, and it keeps you stuck in the past. And when you’re stuck in the past, you are controlled by the past. Every time you resent something, it controls you. Some of you are allowing people who hurt you five, 10, or even 20 years ago to hurt you to this day. That’s stupid. Don’t let it happen. They can’t hurt you any more. Your past is past. You’ve got to let it go.

  3. You have to forgive those who’ve hurt you because you’re going to need more forgiveness in the future.

    Jesus said in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (NIV). Forgiveness is a two way street. You cannot receive what you are unwilling to give.

Someone once told John Wesley, “I could never forgive that person!” Wesley replied, “Then I hope you never sin.”

You don’t want to burn the bridge that you’ve got to walk across to get into Heaven.

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The Secret of Forgiveness

We will never be cleansed until we confess we are dirty. We will never be pure until we admit we are filthy. And we will never be able to wash the feet of those who have hurt us until we allow Jesus, the one we have hurt, to wash ours.

You see, that is the secret of forgiveness. You will never forgive anyone more than God has already forgiven you. Only by letting him wash your feet can you have strength to wash those of another.

Still hard to imagine? Is it still hard to consider the thought of forgiving the one who hurt you?

If so, go one more time to the room. Watch Jesus as he goes from disciple to disciple. Can you see him? Can you hear the water splash? Can you hear him shuffle on the floor to the next person? Good. Keep that image.

John 13:12 says, “When he had finished washing their feet … ” (NCV)

Please note; he finished washing their feet. That means he left no one out. Why is that important? Because that also means he washed the feet of Judas. Jesus washed the feet of his betrayer. He gave his traitor equal attention. In just a few hours Judas’ feet would guide the Roman guard to Jesus. But at this moment they are caressed by Christ.

That’s not to say it was easy for Jesus.

That’s not to say it is easy for you.

That is to say that God will never call you to do what he hasn’t already done.

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Second Chances.

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A Small Piece of the Puzzle

Revenge belongs to God. If vengeance is God’s, then it is not ours. God has not asked us to settle the score or get even. Ever.

Why? The answer is found in Joseph’s statement: “You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done.”

Forgiveness comes easier with a wide-angle lens. Joseph uses one to get the whole picture. He refuses to focus on the betrayal of his brothers without also seeing the loyalty of his God.

It always helps to see the big picture.

Some time ago I was in an airport lobby when I saw an acquaintance enter. He was a man I hadn’t seen in a while but had thought about often. He’d been through a divorce, and I was close enough to it to know that he deserved some of the blame.

I noticed he was not alone. Beside him was a woman. Why, that scoundrel! Just a few months out and here he has another lady?

Any thought of greeting him disappeared as I passed judgment on his character. But then he saw me. He waved at me. He motioned me over. I was caught. I was trapped. I’d have to go visit with the reprobate. So I did.

“Max, meet my aunt and her husband.”

I gulped. I hadn’t noticed the man.

“We’re on our way to a family reunion. I know they would really like to meet you.”

“We use your books in our home Bible study,” my friend’s uncle spoke up. “You’ve got some great insights.”

“If only you knew,” I said to myself. I had committed a common sin of the unforgiving. I had cast a vote without knowing the story.

To forgive someone is to admit our limitations. We’ve been given only one piece of life’s jigsaw puzzle. Only God has the cover of the box. To forgive someone is to display reverence. Forgiveness is not saying the one who hurt you was right. Forgiveness is stating that God is fair and he will do what is right.

After all, don’t we have enough things to do without trying to do God’s work too?

Today’s devotional is drawn from Max Lucado’s Cast of Characters.

 

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“Forgive Him? Never!” – 13 Excuses You’ll Use to Never Forgive Your Husband

The leaders of Castimonia would like to state that forgiveness is not so much for the person that committed the transgression against you, but for you and your healing.

https://bevillandassociates.wordpress.com/2015/12/31/forgive-him-never-13-excuses-youll-use-to-never-forgive-your-husband/

by Bevill and Associates

Scenario: My husband committed adultery (or viewed pornography…again!) and has asked me to forgive him. I don’t think I can forgive him, but I know God has told us to forgive one another. How can I get past my feelings?

Woman Alone and Hurt

First of all, we must realize that forgiveness is not a feeling, but it is an action God commands. We must choose whether we will obey by faith (in spite of our feelings) or disobey His command (because of our feelings). In Ephesians 4:32, God gave us the model when He forgave our sins at great cost to Himself but with grace and mercy to us.

Refusing to forgive binds us, not the person who has sinned against us (Matt. 6:14-15). God’s ways always lead to the abundant life, to freedom and blessings, even when they are hard paths, or feel impossible, from our human perspective. God teaches us how to reach out and love with His love, to forgive with His forgiveness, to return His blessing for their cursing (Rom. 12:9-21). Only genuine heart change allows the Holy Spirit to do such a wonderful work in our hearts that we can love those we would rather hate!

I hear excuses all the time about why someone just can’t forgive. Here are a few:

“How can I forgive him after what he’s done to our marriage?” His intent most likely was not to destroy the marriage. His sin does affect the marriage, but so does your response to his sin! Forgiving may point him to Christ and to godly sorrow that produces the fruit of repentance and change (2 Cor. 7:9-10). Your godly response may actually help to redeem the marriage!

“How can I forgive him again?” How many times has the Lord forgiven you? Matt. 17:3-4 makes it very clear we must repeatedly forgive. But notice the next verse where the disciples are begging for faith to obey. Yet the Lord’s response paraphrased says, “You don’t need more faith, you just need to put your little bit of faith into action and do what is your duty, to obey me!” Wow! That can be hard, but it is the right thing to do when he is truly repentant, and only the Lord knows that! So, we forgive again.

“How can I forgive him? This is way too big!” His sin is big, but so is mine! God doesn’t measure sin by the same yardstick you and I do. He measures it against absolute obedience to Him, and we all fall pitifully short! Yet the Lord warns us strongly against playing god and thinking we hold the yardstick for others to live up to (Matt. 7:1-5).

“How can I forgive him after his total betrayal of me?” Paul understood the principle that to share in the suffering of Christ makes us more like Christ (Phil. 3:10). Our experience of betrayal helps us to identify with his. Peter taught us that suffering when we are doing the right thing reveals God’s glory in us (1 Pet. 4:12-14, 19). The Christian life is not about me, but about honoring my Lord, especially in the deepest trials of life.

“How can I forgive him when he hasn’t repented?” His repentance is between him and God, so we forgive from the heart and trust God to convict and change him from the inside out. That typically doesn’t happen overnight, but God has made a promise to each of His own to complete what He has started in us (Phil. 1:6)! Pray for God to do His work in your husband and He will – in His time and His way.

“How can I forgive him when I don’t feel it?” Forgiveness is a heart issue. Forgive anyone anything (Mark 11:25). It’s an act of obedience. The feelings come when forgiveness is asked for and granted, and then there is a “forgetfulness” modeled after the way God removes our sin and remembers it no more (Jer. 31:34). We must choose not to remember the offences so we don’t use them in destructive ways.

“How can I forgive him when he hasn’t asked?” You can’t! God doesn’t forgive us until we ask. Butyou can have a heart ready and willing to forgive him the moment he does ask, just as God forgives us the moment we ask. You will have fulfilled your duty toward God and toward your husband when your heart desires repentance more than anything for him. That means you don’t shortcut God’s convicting power over his sin by saying prematurely to him that you have forgiven him, but only saying you are willing to forgive when he repents and asks. The transaction is complete when forgiveness is asked for and granted! God provided for our forgiveness long before we asked!

“How can I forgive him when I keep thinking about it?” When forgiveness has been asked and granted, it is your responsibility to exercise thought control and think of his sin only in the context of God’s grace. You no longer dwell on it or replay the video in your mind, because that keeps bitterness stirred up in you.

“How can I forgive him if his sin is a common topic with my family or friends?”Gossip is a desire to make others judge the offender just as you have judged him. It is talking to people who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Discussion about his sin must cease once the issue has been settled, and that includes bringing it up to him, using it as a weapon to wound him just as he wounded you. That is what it means to remember it no more just as God does for our sin (Jer. 31:34). We will never stand in judgment for our sin because it has been forgiven (Rom. 8:1).

“How can I forgive God for letting him do this to me?” God has never sinned and will never sin, and therefore needs no one’s forgiveness; this is blasphemy to falsely accuse God. God never tempts anyone to sin (James 1:13-16) and cannot be blamed when anyone chooses to sin. God does allow us to make sinful choices. Freedom to choose parallels His love, but sometimes we make foolish choices. Thank God for grace and mercy!

“How can I forgive him when I can’t even forgive myself?” This excuse makes my standard of perfection above God’s. My comparison and expectation for myself and others will always fall short (2 Cor. 10:12). That’s why we desperately need God’s grace and mercy, all of us! We are never commanded to forgive ourselves, but to accept God’s forgiveness.  We then grant the same forgiveness to others, recognizing all sin is first and foremost sin against God, and He forgives anyone who asks.

“How can I forgive him when I still don’t trust him?” Trust takes time to rebuild. It is not the same as forgiveness that comes from your own heart. Rebuilding trust is the responsibility of the offender, as he demonstrates over time his faithfulness, dependability, accountability, and consistency. But you must allow him that time as you invest in the relationship, and he must work toward rebuilding the trust by faithfully honoring God and you to the best of his human ability.

“Maybe I will forgive someday, but not today!” Eph. 4:26-27 tells us to not keep holding onto those things that make us angry because it gives the devil a foothold in our hearts and keeps our bitterness alive (Heb. 12:15). Settling and forgiving offences is God’s way for each of us!

I’ve heard all of these excuses, but the best definition of an excuse I’ve ever heard is “A skin of a reason, stuffed with a LIE!” Let’s all examine ourselves to see that we are living by faith in Truth, not with excuses of why we can’t forgive someone!

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