CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

forgiveness

By

Covenantal Forgiveness

Forgiveness in marriage is wild, dangerous, and wonderful. It is like no other relationship. A marriage entered into before God, in particular, has dynamics, ideas, and resources hidden that few utilize. I would like to share the concept of Covenantal Forgiveness (CF). It is a paradigm by Sauerheber and Ponton (2017) of handling infidelity. Infidelity does not simply mean extramarital sex, but any breach of trust in marriage. This approach takes the God-ordained variable seriously and the Church’s view that marriage is a sacrament. The gravity of the marriage covenant is neither meant to shame wrongdoings nor to intimidate the one hoping for forgiveness, but rather to provide strength for the couple to draw from. I will continue to discuss forgiveness in marriage, but I want to briefly mention that Jesus does allow for divorce as a legitimate option for sexual immorality (Mt 5:32). Scripture assumes the couple has mutually consented to fight for the marriage.

Forgiveness vs Covenantal Forgiveness

For a discussion of forgiveness for a prominent scholar, see McCullough et. al., who define forgiveness as “a motivational transformation that inclines people to inhibit relationship-destructive responses and to behave constructively toward someone who has behaved destructively toward them”(1997). This is a clinical way of asserting that the offended partner will be kind to the partner who wronged them. See Everett Worthington for more on the topic of forgiveness. The goal here is to articulate the difference between CF and forgiveness, and then to describe the 6 stages of CF. The three main differences between forgiveness and CF lie in orientation, service, and volition.

Orientation

Forgiveness, in psychological literature, is inwardly focused on how the offended partner feels, but CF is oriented around the repair and goal of the covenantal relationship, with God’s help. In other words, the offended seeks to mirror Christ and His Church interpersonal peace, and seeks to reflect the abiding love that God has toward the church. The couple will, therefore, seek to repair the relationship. So, the 6 stages of covenantal forgiveness are more centered around the orientation of the relationship and upholding the covenant than the couple’s feelings.

Service

CF, as opposed to forgiveness, is, by definition, done in the service of the relationship. The content of the vows expected that both partners would forgive and be forgiven for the sake of the relationship. It is the nature of the relationship to seek to grow closer to one another. “Forgiveness is not a transaction, but rather an intentional, enduring encounter within the covenant relationship”. In other words, the covenant itself is an agent of change in the hearts of each partner, for they serve the relationship, not just themselves.

Volition

            CF is volitional because forgiveness in marriage is freely chosen, not just at the time of cognitive forgiveness, but also at the altar, when a couple says, “I do”. Forgiveness, then, is keeping a promise that was made, not just to the partner, but to the community and before God. For the Christian, forgiveness was the choice that the couple willfully made when they entered into the marriage, and continues to be a choice that they get to make to uphold their sides of the covenant.  

Five Stages of Covenantal Forgiveness

There are 6 parts to covenantal forgiveness in a Christian marriage. The speed at which one passes through each stage depends on the trust, vulnerability, and regulation of each of the partners, and the level of severity of the infidelity. The authors, however, did not mention an estimated pace. The 6 stages of forgiveness are recognition, confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption.

Recognition

Recognition is an articulation of both parties on the incongruence between what has been done and what aligns, or doesn’t align, with the covenant. The incongruence may not simply be the event(s) that are the cause for repentance, but may have existed before and may still persist. It is important, especially for the offending party, to vulnerably point out their own shortcomings.

Confession

Now that the sin is recognized, a confession of the relationship is the next step. I understand Sauerherbert and Ponton to mean an older form of confession, which is to articulate ‘’’. It is similar to the Church’s recitation of a liturgy or belief. Here, the couple is to “acknowledge the meaning of their covenant and their belief in its value in their lives” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). It is an assurance in front of both parties that they affirm and believe in the commitment to the relationship. This confession lays the groundwork for genuine repentance.

Repentance

Repentance is a 180-degree turn from the incongruence between the ideal marriage relationship and the offender’s actions, and an acknowledgement of the destruction that the behavior caused. If acting out is the problem, then repentance means more outer circle activity and an acknowledgement of her pain and the distrust that it’s caused. Repentance is not typically a one-and-done act, but is a “process that cannot be rushed” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). However, once the couple has cleared the debris through recognition and has laid the foundation of confession and repentance, then forgiveness can be built.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the arduous task of choosing to relate, feel, and think towards the offending party as though he or she had never done it. There are, of course, boundaries that may need to be put in place for both parties’ safety, but it is a gift freely given and, according to the authors, sometimes not owed, as in the case of infidelity. I may argue that forgiveness is required (Jn 20:23; Mt 6:12), but perhaps reconciliation is not. For example, Jesus does allow for divorce for sexual immorality, but both parties must forgive in their heart. The point here is to begin to mend the relationship, and over time, forgiveness on the part of the offended helps the offender see themself as beloved.

Reconciliation

Reconciliation is returning, not simply to normal, but a return to that point of mutual delight and lifegiving intimacy, for marriage, at its best, is a reflection of Christ’s patient love for the Church and the Trinity’s delight in one another. Practically, reconciliation requires a commitment to shared activities, honest communication, and the covenant. Coming to a place of vibrancy in marriage may seem like a faraway place, but there is a further place of glory in store called redemption.

Redemption

Redemption is the hope of a better tomorrow. “Covenantal forgiveness suggests that the partners and the marital bond will not only survive the infidelity, but will, through the graces of work and prayer, be transformed in a positive way by the experience.” (Sauerheber et. al., 2017). In other words, damage done can be used for good in the relationship (Gen 50:20). The marriage is meant to reflect Christ and the Church, which was a story of distance and redemption. 

Conclusion

I realize that I am writing to those who are addicted to unwanted and compulsive sexual behavior, of whom I am one, and who are usually the perpetrators of infidelity, so why do I share about forgiveness? My aim here is to share a forgiveness road map, of sorts, to inspire hope, encouragement, and inspiration for the journey. Married believers among us have the benefit of Christ; His example of the love toward the Church, and His presence with us, which I know from experience isn’t always the first thought when confronted with the tumult of anger and anxiety, but take heart, for the Church has been reconciled to Him (2 Cor 5:18-19) and serves as an example. 

Take what you like and leave the rest,

Simeon A.

By

Forgiveness: Doing what Christ does

SOURCE:  Adapted from an article in  Discipleship Journal/Jack & Carole Mayhall

She looked at me defiantly.  Hope, hurt, pain, and anger were mingled in her eyes and in her tone as she said, “I can’t do it, Carole. Could you?”

She had just told me her problem—and it was a giant one. Her in-laws had physically and verbally attacked her in front of her husband and children. And her husband had not only failed to come to her defense, but had sided with his parents. How could she forgive such a thing?

“No,” I replied, “I couldn’t forgive him. But God can—and will through and in you, if you’ll let him. There is no hope for your marriage if you don’t forgive.”

I could have added that there would be no hope for her, either. The lack of forgiveness produces a poison that will eat away one’s very existence, especially the existence of any joy or peace in our lives.

What heartache!

There is no easy answer. But this I know: God does have a solution. It is somehow tied in with the solemn warning in Hebrews 12:15—”See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” I would paraphrase that first part, “Make sure no one fails to receive enough of God’s grace.”

If we don’t have enough of his grace, it isn’t God’s fault. His grace is sufficient for our every need (2 Corinthians 12:9). The fault is ours, because we haven’t really asked for his grace with an accepting heart.

What is forgiveness? One dictionary defines the verb forgive as “to cease to feel resentment” against someone, “to pardon,” “to give up resentment,” or “to grant relief from payment.”

I was struck with two things about this definition. First was the feeling involved—”to cease to feel resentment.” This statement rules out attitudes such as “I forgive him, but I can’t forget it,” or, “I forgive him in my head, but not in my heart.” Our hearts are free only when we cease to feel resentment.

Many times we don’t really want to forgive, for if we do we become vulnerable to be hurt all over again. So we build our walls of resentment and unforgiveness in order not to feel pain again.

Logically this makes some sense. But emotionally it is deadly poison. And it poisons the person with the unforgiving heart first of all. When a person hardens his or her feelings against pain, all feeling can be deadened.

The second thing that struck me about the dictionary definition was the verbs that are used: “cease,” “give up,” and “grant.” An act of our will is involved in ceasing to feel resentful, in giving up a claim, in granting the offender relief from paying for his offense. But to do this is not easy.

David Augsburger, radio speaker for “The Mennonite Hour,” put it this way in Cherishable: Love and Marriage—

Forgiveness is hard.  Especially in a marriage tense with past troubles, tormented by fears of rejection and humiliation, and torn by suspicion and distrust.

Forgiveness hurts.  Especially when it must be extended to a husband or wife who doesn’t deserve it, who hasn’t earned it, who may misuse it. It hurts to forgive.

Forgiveness costs.  Especially in marriage when it means accepting instead of demanding repayment for the wrong done; where it means releasing the other instead of exacting revenge; where it means reaching out in love instead of relinquishing resentments. It costs to forgive.

Forgiveness, Augsburger says, is when the injured person chooses “to accept his angry feelings, bear the burden of them personally, find release through confession and prayer, and set the other person free.”

This is what Jesus Christ did for us.

He forgave us unconditionally, bearing the burden, setting us free. “In him, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us” (Ephesians 1:7–8).

Many times it is the little, picky matters that stick in our throats and cause us to choke when the need arises to forgive. When we do not deal with the seemingly inconsequential things, we fail to “walk in the light.”

If we walk in the light as he is in the light we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from every sin. (1 John 1:7)

Are you walking in the light with your mate?

In Christ, there is “no darkness at all” (1 John 1:5), no hidden, secret resentment, no anger or self-pity, or criticism. If we are walking in the light as he is in the light, then we will have true fellowship with one another. We will be best friends in open, honest sharing.

We must forgive, and forgive immediately.

Listen again to David Augsburger:

Forgiveness is smiling silent love to your partner when the justifications for keeping an insult or injury alive are on the tip of your tongue, yet you swallow them. Not because you have to, to keep peace, but because you want to, to make peace.

Forgiveness is not acceptance given “on condition” that the other becomes acceptable. Forgiveness is given freely. . . .

Forgiveness is a relationship between equals who recognize their deep need of each other, share and share-alike. Each needs the other’s forgiveness. Each needs the other’s acceptance. Each needs the other.

By

Being Formed in Forgiveness

SOURCE:William Gaultiere, Ph.D., ChristianSoulCare.com

Perhaps no issue more quickly assesses the true state of our spiritual formation in Christ than how we respond to being sinned against. Forgiveness becomes concrete when we talk about how we deal with anger. How do you deal with your anger? Maybe a rude driver on the road cuts you off, Someone steals your credit card, A friend criticizes you, A family member continually mistreats you.

Most of us know that as Christians we should forgive in these cases. However, we may need to clear up some misconceptions so that our forgiveness will be genuine and result in healing for us and release for our offenders.

“Forgive and forget,” some say, but forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about not being resentful, but you can remember and not hold onto anger. It’s important that we remember our experiences in life so that we can learn from them.

“Just let it go to God and move on,” is a common approach. This advice may work for minor offenses, but to attempt to overlook deep wounds and repeated violations is denial. If forgiveness is to be real then it has to be honest about the violation against you that needs to be forgiven. Forgiveness in these cases is a process of working through hurt, anger, and other feelings. “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there” (Jeremiah 6:14, LB).

“I’ll forgive when…” It’s easy to think that until your offender apologizes or stops mistreating you that you don’t need to forgive. It doesn’t work that way; forgiveness is a gift of mercy. No one deserves to be forgiven! The only way to forgive is to “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). By appreciating how fortunate you are that God has forgiven you of your sins then you are helped to share that forgiveness with the one who has sinned against you. “I can’t forgive,” some believe, “it’s not a safe relationship for me.” But this thinking confuses forgiveness and reconciliation. If you’ve been abused and are vulnerable to be re-injured then indeed you need boundaries to protect yourself. At the same time, you can learn to release your offender to God’s justice, refusing to hold onto a posture of angry judgment.

I’ve found that the acid test for whether or not I’ve forgiven someone is if instead of holding onto anger at those who sin against me I can pray for and sincerely desire God’s blessings on that person. Jesus taught us: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who persecute you” (Luke 6:27-28). We can’t do this by gritting our teeth and forcing it!

How do we learn to forgive and bless the one who curses us? “Train yourselves to be godly” Paul answers (1 Timothy 4:7). We each need to grow in grace to become the kind of person who, like God, forgives. We need to be formed in God’s forgiveness through a heart connection to God’s favor in which we’re thankful that God has blessed us though we don’t deserve it and his blessings are flowing through us to others. Then we can offer the gift of his mercy to those who sin against us, even if in some cases it takes some time to pray our way to that point.

By

Four Promises of Forgiveness

Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 207.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

I once heard a joke that described a frequent failure in forgiving. A woman went to her pastor for advice on improving her marriage. When the pastor asked what her greatest complaint was, she replied, “Every time we get into a fight, my husband gets historical.” When her pastor said, “You must mean hysterical,” she responded, “I mean exactly what I said; he keeps a mental record of everything I’ve done wrong, and whenever he’s mad, I get a history lesson!”

Food for Thought

Take a moment today to remember the Four Promises of Forgiveness:

1. I will not dwell on this incident.
2. I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.
3. I will not talk to others about this incident.
4. I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.

Then take a moment to remember something else: This is the way God forgives you.

It’s natural for us to read the Four Promises of Forgiveness as another set of laws to which we’re presently failing to live up; however, the gospel reminds us that they should be read first and foremost as God’s commitment to us because of the sacrifice of his Son. That commitment says that he will never “get historical” in bringing up sins for which we have been forgiven!

Is there an area in life where you feel condemned even though you’ve genuinely repented before God? Take a moment to hear God speaking the Four Promises of Forgiveness to you with regard to that particular issue. As you read them again, try adding your name to the beginning of each promise as a reminder that God speaks them personally to you. Remember Romans 8:1 applies to you, not just other Christians: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

When you accept this and apply it to your own life, prepare to be pleasantly surprised how much easier it will become to apply the Four Promises of Forgiveness to others who have hurt you.

By

9 Tips for When You Can’t Forgive Yourself

SOURCE:  Mark Merrill

I can’t believe you did that. You idiot. You can’t be trusted. You’re terrible. And I’ll never forgive you.

These words can be devastating to someone who is asking for forgiveness. But when these are the words you say quietly to yourself, they can be absolutely crippling. Some of the harshest words you may ever hear are the words you say in your heart: “I’ll never forgive myself.”

Earlier, I wrote about what forgiveness is not, what it is, and why it’s important. I described how the wrong that one finds difficult to forgive is like a “painful video [that] plays inside your head” that you “cannot erase…from your mental hard drive.” It’s even worse when the person starring in this video replay, over and over again, is you.

Here are just some of the ways you hurt yourself when you can’t forgive yourself:

  • You keep reliving what you’ve done.
  • You let it affect your decisions.
  • You feel paralyzed by your past.
  • You verbally abuse yourself, quietly in the recesses of your own heart.
  • You make yourself feel unworthy.
  • You are afraid to take healthy risks.
  • You spiral into despair.
  • You don’t try to make things better because you don’t think you deserve to make things better.
  • You struggle to forgive others.
  • You struggle to trust yourself.

If this describes you, for whatever reason, I urge you to reconsider how you are handling and viewing yourself. Your marriage and family may ultimately be at stake. Working through this issue won’t be easy. Forgiving yourself can be hard work, but it’s worth it.

Here are 9 tips to consider when you can’t forgive yourself:

  1. Decide You Want to Let it Go

In my earlier forgiveness blog, I mentioned, “In the process of forgiving, the first barrier you have to remove is within your own mind. You must make the decision: I will not dwell on this incident.”  That decision doesn’t guarantee you’ll stop the mental video, but it draws a line in the sand that you have that goal. It’s a starting point.

  1. Look at What You’ve Done…Objectively

A big obstacle to forgiving yourself is the inability to see things objectively. Maybe what you did was a big deal…or maybe it just feels like it was. Pretend it was someone else who you love who did what you did. Ask yourself how you would view them. If you need to, look for help from someone you trust to examine what occurred.

  1. Own It, but Don’t be Owned by It

Taking responsibility for what you did is important. But one bad choice doesn’t have to own you or define you. You can’t control how others define you, but you can control how you define yourself.

  1. Grieve Your Loss

If a tragedy was averted in your situation, focus on the good of that, and be thankful. If, however, a tragic loss occurred, know that it’s okay to grieve the pain. Beating yourself up constantly is not a requirement of grief.

  1. Seek Forgiveness from Others, If Needed

Forgiveness from others can free you up to forgive yourself. If you haven’t yet, seek forgiveness from the person you hurt.

  1. Focus on What Can Be Learned

Everyone fails. Everyone stumbles. Everyone hurts others eventually. It’s part of the human experience and condition. But not everyone will learn from what they do. Be someone who is willing to learn from your past to benefit your future.

  1. Record Your Reflections

Sometimes capturing a record of your thoughts and feelings can help you face them honestly. Do some light journaling for a few days. Focus on what you are struggling to let go of and what you would do if you could be free of the burden of guilt you feel.

  1. Feel the Love

I hope you know someone in your life who loves you unconditionally. If so, draw them into your struggle—for encouragement. Their best help may be simply to listen well and to remind you that you are loved.

  1. Agree with God

If you know God and have confessed your wrongdoing to Him, you can know you are forgiven. So if Almighty God, the One who knows you better than yourself, forgives you, then you should agree with Him and forgive yourself.