Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
The Saturday Castimonia recovery meeting in Searcy, Arkansas, is moving locations for this week due to a building conflict. This Saturday, May 28, you can bank on the new location! The address is:
First Community Bank: 800 E Beebe Capps Expy, Searcy, AR 72143
The meeting is still 9-10:30.
For more information contact Doug at 281-665-0280
By Castimonia
Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/21/where-narcissists-and-codependents-share-common-ground/
Much of the content available online paint narcissists as monsters and codependents as victims. As most of the personal blogs that carry this content are seemingly written by people who have had a relationship with a narcissist that went badly, it is hardly surprising that they feel hard done by. The word narcissist is too easy to use as a label for selfish and self-centered people who may or may not be one and I do truly have the feeling that anyone who ends a relationship badly is quickly ordained with this moniker. By doing this, people are putting themselves in victim status and suggesting that they were “caught” or “had” or “deceived” and in many cases, that could be the truth but is it the whole truth? Are we too quick to use the Narc label to avoid responsibility for own failings?
While it is quite likely true that there are men, narcissist or not, who prey on vulnerable women, it is too simplistic to suggest this is all that is happening. We have to look at people’s motives for getting into a relationship in the first place and this is where codependency and narcissism can share some common ground. Shared issues but different approaches to the problem.
While we can be very comfortable alone, we are all looking for “the one”, who will help us navigate this difficult world. Humans by nature, are not solitary beings and we all prefer to be with someone who cares about us and loves us, even if most of us have no idea what love is. In the adulation phase of the relationship, namely the first six months, we tend to lose our heads somewhat in the euphoria of a new relationship. Boundaries and limits and some might say common sense, go out of our minds in the process of attraction. I am reminded of an experiment held on the BBC concerning how our brains work during this process. Full of hormonal leanings, the couples highlighted who were attracted to each other started to mimic facial gestures, body language and even opinions that they admitted they didn’t hold before. Oh, how our brains trick us.
It is in this euphoria that codependents are often prey to someone who might use their need to connect to their own advantage and due to the reasons stated above, are not always aware or open to being made aware of potential issues. Many times in therapy, I have asked a client, to no avail, to take it slow and find out who their new partner really is. It often falls on deaf ears with disastrous results waiting further down the line. When it comes to the narcissist-codependent dance, it is often a case of inferiority complex meets superiority complex and something has to give.
While there appears to be a clear difference between the narcissist and the codependent, they come from the same background. While there is little known about the causes of narcissism, an abusive childhood full of toxic shame is one factor that is an obvious one. With this in mind, they live in an extreme shortage mentality that means they must take what they need. Not surprisingly, most are men who are traditionally taught not to show emotion or especially anger. It creates a self-esteem void that must be filled with input from others to the advantage of the narcissist. Whatever their needs are, they will take them through manipulation and severe control of their target. Whether it is sex, admiration or just because they can, they destroy their victims for their own benefit. I have seen women take years to get over such an encounter. Amazingly, these people are also present on the internet, advertising themselves a the narcissist who can help you with your narcissist partner. This is always a scam to attract and entrap the vulnerable and naive who might actually believe what they are saying is true. In one such case I know, it is virtually impossible to leave once subscribed as the victims face such things as having their reputations ruined, websites hacked into and other repugnant measures. The sad element of this is that the people who do this are so into the “cult” figure that runs the website, that they will do anything for whoever is behind it. Such is the seductive nature and power of the narcissist.
Codependents are also created through toxic shame but come from the problem from a different angle. Starved of affection and connection as a child, they are taught that they are not good enough and have to work for everything they get. Codependents are often workaholics or overachievers and bring that attitude to relationships. There is not much a codependent won’t do to gain what they need. They also have a self-esteem void which needs filling and this is where comparisons can be drawn with the narcissist.
In my recent podcast with Jane, I asked her what she was getting from a relationship with her narcissist partner. She was surprised when I brought up the idea that by trying to be indispensable in his life, she was trying to control the narrative of the relationship. She was giving all to get something and filling her self-esteem void by trying to make him secure and subsequently herself too. The issue always is that nothing is genuine with a narcissist and the only security he will allow is through manipulation. I have often stated that a relationship with a narcissist is doomed the day a new partner meets them. They will stay physically longer but will gradually emotionally detach after the adulation phase. Something akin to a tornado of increasing strength that blows through leaving destruction in its path.
This is where the similarities can be seen. The self-esteem void needs to be filled. They just do it in very different ways. Let’s not forget though that codependents can also show “nasty” aspects of their character too. Meant codependents are very angry people who use this and playing a perpetual victim to control their partner. This is often mixed up with silent treatment and statements like “look at everything I do for you!”.
Maybe this determines why the two personalities on either end of a long spectrum often find each other.
By Castimonia
We all have encounters with difficult people who leave us rattled and shaken. A co-worker undermines us in front of our boss; our friend puts us down and says she was “just kidding”; our spouse rages at us and then turns everything around to make us think that it’s our fault.
Most of us would prefer to minimize our contact with people like this, but sometimes it’s just not possible. We may work with them, be married to them, or have some other connection that keeps us in regular contact with toxic individuals. For a long time Christians have been taught to forbear and forgive. While biblical in essence, most of us aren’t exactly sure how to live it out in real life.
We know that Jesus tells us that we’re to love our enemies and pray for those who mistreat us, but actually doing it is much more challenging. The apostle Paul counsels us in these instances not to be overcome with evil, but instead to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). Sometimes it feels like evil is stronger, and we struggle not to let it get the best of us.
I’d like to share with you some specific ways I have found helpful to put these Biblical truths into practice when dealing with a toxic or destructive person.
1. Press Pause: As soon as you feel that poisonous dart, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help. The words or behaviors of another person have just knocked you off balance and will infect you with its toxic effects if you don’t quickly apply an antidote.
2. Don’t panic and overreact or be passive and underreact. Stay calm and don’t fall for their bait. Try not to take what they have done or said personally (which is very tempting to do). Remember, the way someone treats you, whether it be good or bad, really has nothing to do with you. It is a statement about who they are.
3. Ask yourself this question: What in this present moment do I need to learn (or change) in order to become the person I want to become? Here are a few things I have found I needed when I asked myself this question:
*Courage
*Humility
*Generosity
*To speak the truth in love
*To set firmer boundaries
*Patience
*Not to worry so much what others think of me
*Let go of my desire to make everyone happy
*Not to let this person get the best of me or to make me act crazy
Believe me, it is very tempting in the moment to defend yourself, let yourself be blamed for the problem, be totally intimidated and overcome, or strike back with your own attack. None of those ways will help you move forward with a toxic person. However, God does promise to use these painful moments for our good. Therefore, learn what you can from the painful moment and let go of the rest.
1. Teach yourself to respond out of the person you want to be rather than how you feel in the moment. We do this all the time by being responsible and getting out of bed to go to work even when we want to sleep in or getting up in the middle of the night with a sick child even if we don’t feel like it. If you must respond in the moment, speak calmly, truthfully and firmly, especially when you have to set a limit or say “no”. Refuse to engage in arguing, defending yourself, or circular conversations that go nowhere.
2. Practice (and this takes a lot of work) looking at this difficult/destructive person in a different way than you have in the past. Instead of meditating on his or her faults or sin, look for her goodness, his humanness, or his/her woundedness. When we can see a person in this new way, it’s much easier to allow God to fill us with His love and compassion for this pitiful person who would be so blind as to treat us (or anyone) in such a sinful way.
Having this change in perspective doesn’t excuse the toxic person or give him or her license to continue to do damage, but it does help us not to judge and empowers us to forgive him/her, even if we can’t reconcile the relationship. We can honestly pray God’s best for this person and leave him/her in His capable hands.
As believers, we will surely encounter evil, but by practicing these five steps, we can learn to overcome evil’s toxic effects in us with good.
By Castimonia
SOURCE: Taken from an article by N.T. Wright/Relevant Magazine
I think part of our problem here is that when we read the Bible, we read it with long hindsight. We look and we say, “Oh yeah, there’s God rescuing His people from Egypt.” Well, yes, that is dramatic and that happened, but then, in the Psalms, the poets are saying, “Has God forgotten us? Has He forgotten to be gracious? Has He abandoned us? It’s been a long time now.”
The great book of Isaiah, promised a great new moment when God would come in person and would become king. And yet, it was 500 years before Jesus came. During those 500 years, many wise Jews pondered and prayed and struggled. Other people said, “Oh, it’s just a load of old mythology. It’s never going to happen.” But they kept on praying and waiting and finally, this explosive thing happened, which we call Jesus.
It seems to me that’s often the way for us, too. We wait and pray and it looks as though nothing’s going on, and then to our surprise, something suddenly happens and we think, “Oh my goodness! That is what I was praying for, but I didn’t know it was going to look like this!” That is the characteristic experience, both in the Jewish world we see in the Psalms and the prophets, and in the Christian world.
In my pastoral experience, working with many people in many different contexts, the idea of “Well, that happened then, but it doesn’t seem to be working for us,” that is a characteristic sense. Then quite suddenly, out of the blue, so it seems, God will do a new thing, and people say “Oh my goodness, that’s extraordinary. How did that happen?” The answer is: that’s what we’ve been waiting for and praying for, only we didn’t know it was going to look like that.
In that period of waiting, it’s like when you sow a seed in the ground in the fall, in the autumn, and you want to be impatient. You want to say, “I planted the seed, I want something to grow straight away, please.” But you have to wait through the winter.
During the winter, it isn’t that nothing is happening, it’s that the seed is germinating out of sight underground. It needs to be there. In the spring, when the new shoots happen, it looks sudden to us, because we haven’t seen anything going on until then, but actually, stuff has been going on underground.
Again and again, God works underground in our lives, in our imaginations, in our personal circumstances and in the wider world, and then suddenly something new happens, a new project, a new moment in our lives, and we’re astonished at it. T.S. Elliot had that wonderful poem that’s part of his four quartets where he says, “Wait without thought, for you are not yet ready for thought.” In other words, don’t even try to figure out what’s going on. If God has kept you in the dark at the moment, it may be because you have to go through a winter season in order that the spring, when it comes, will find those new plants well rooted and well bedded in.
That’s very difficult, because the darkness looks just dark. But that’s where we cling onto the teaching and promise of Jesus. Jesus taught those parables about seeds growing secretly and so on precisely in order that people could latch onto the promise that even when it looks dark, looks as though nothing is happening, God is at work and the seeds will indeed produce fruit at the right time.
One of the things the New Testament talks about in terms of the work of the Holy Spirit is the gift of discernment, of knowing what to pray for. Because sometimes, if somebody is dying and is clearly sick, sometimes it’s actually cruel to say, “I believe God is going to heal this person right now.” Because actually, this may be their time to go.
Sometimes, then, you pray for a good death, rather than to be saved this minute from death. We are all going to die, and it would be silly if we all tried to imagine that even when somebody is a good old age, etc, that God still wants to bring them back from death one more time.
However, at the same time, there are many occasions when somebody has been given up by the medical profession—the doctors just say “There is no hope, this person will be dead within two or three days”—and sometimes through prayer, that situation can be radically turned around.
We have a case in my own family: a niece of mine, my sister’s daughter, who, when she was 6 years old, was given up for dead with double kidney failure. They reckoned she would be dead within a day or two. That girl is now in her mid 30s, she has been a missionary teacher in India, she’s a lovely Christian girl, because there were people around the world praying for her. Astonishingly, the doctors to this day don’t know how her kidneys got better, but they did.
If you’re in ministry, you will constantly meet people who have stories like that to tell. Equally, I know plenty of people for whom similar prayers have been made and who haven’t been healed. That remains a mystery. We do not have a clue to that mystery. That’s why, in Romans 8, one of the crucial, most important chapters in the Bible, St. Paul says we don’t know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit groans within us with inarticulate groanings, and God listens to what the Spirit is saying.
In other words, when we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit, then somehow, God is praying within us for the pain around us. Even though we don’t know what we should pray for, if we are waiting upon God and being patient and learning to pray, then somehow, that prayer will bring about new creation even if it isn’t in the form we instantly want.
It’s important that we wrestle with that question, rather than just pushing it one way and saying, “We must always pray and God will always do what we want.” Or saying, “Well, it’s probably not going to happen, so let’s just pray ‘Thy will be done.’” We can collapse into one of those two directions, and it seems to me that the path of wisdom is to hold on in the middle even though that’s uncomfortable. It teaches us patience and humility—and the Gospel is really all about learning patience and humility in the presence of God.
By Castimonia
Originally posted at: https://freefromcodependency.com/2021/06/14/if-you-are-codependent-please-read/
One of the reasons I work happily with codependents is that I am one myself with symptoms to a large extent worked through. However, I do have to constantly monitor my reactions to things and especially my marriage where symptoms are more likely to appear. In my work, I am different and I have found a healthy balance between helping and helping too much. This was not always the case and early in my career, I was often seen involving myself far too much. Over the years, I have learnt that the boundaries I set determine how successful the therapeutic relationship will ultimately be. In my marriage, I have to be constantly aware of my tendency to fix any real or imagined problem that I perceive to be there. This is the hardest part, standing back and allowing my wife to solve things on her own. There is a fine balance to be found but the general rule is that if she needs me, she will communicate that.
I have often said that codependency is something that needs to be managed rather than cured. It is not a disorder that can be medicated away. It is a result of childhood and relational trauma meaning that children are left with trying to form a bond and connection with adults who cannot or will not engage enough to do that, for various reasons. The child is left to overachieve and focus on a fantasy bond which follows them into adulthood with the mindset that they have to disproportionately give to get. It is a complex issue that has not been embraced by the therapy industry to a large extent but seemingly affects millions of people worldwide. People report being codependent on relationships, individuals and sometimes their work. Codependents are often workaholics who find overachieving and overwork tempting due to the fact that it brings validation from others but usually not from Self.
There are many methods available for codependent recovery, including step programs in the same ilk as AA or NA. There are individual methods put together by therapists who see the need to name codependency as an issue rather than seeing it as a symptom of something else diagnosable and treated with medication. Many of them deal with fundamentals of “self-love” asa guiding principle: While this is very important, just how do you get there? A good example exists in one of the therapy groups I facilitate. The members have come to a point of awareness of what is holding them back, where those influences comes from and what they need to do to overcome it. The missing part is the action to mostly carry it out and this is decisive.
When codependents first come into therapy, they are used to doing things a certain way for their own security. That means other’s needs first, external validation and denial of the right of the Self to exist. They have been taught by their childhood that they have to “work” for love and validation and that they don’t matter. This is often backed up by toxic shame acquired from caregivers that teaches them they are not good enough, unlovable or just wrong and bad. They believe it even though it is unlikely to be true. They were led to believe it at a vulnerable age, so it must be true. Any method that hopes to counter codependency, needs to have the aim to break this construct of thinking. So what needs to happen.
At the start of therapy, many codependents are unaware of their issues and where and how they developed. They have formed a specific, unrealistic view of themselves based on the blueprint they have been following since childhood and are likely in, or have been in, relationships that are either abusive or unfulfilling. The first stage is to revisit the younger self and discover childhood stories in the form of the inner child, how that child felt, what happened in terms of significant events. This is done with non-dominant hand drawing, a process that works with the emotional mind and taps into locked thoughts and feelings. A psychological process known as “splitting” will often take place here. This says that the “in the moment” child is replaced by a “protective” version of themselves to help deal with issues at hand. This version is the one that often develops into adulthood.
Once this done and a safe place has been found, an analysis of childhood protection measures can be started. Most children growing up in dysfunctional circumstances will dissociate from the present moment and develop a “not me” personality that deals with trauma. Starting off as protective measures, these develop into firm thinking “parts” that firmly dictate thinking and behavior and form an adult paradigm. In the course of a day, many of us may think, for example, “a part of me wants to do this and yet, at the same time, another part of me wants just the opposite”. Sometimes, this is felt as an inner conflict or “stuckness”. Usually, we simply notice this conflict and override one of the arguments. In a healthy personality, there is a fluid shifting from one part to another depending on what approach is needed, what is appropriate, or what is necessary under the circumstances. We may have difficulties with a partner, or we may feel as if something is “missing” in our life, or we may feel depressed. Most of us have, over time, become dominated by a few strong parts that “run the show” successfully. Typical parts include:
The inner Critic: A controlling voice that consolidates negative thinking about Self.
Avoidance/Escape: The basis of instant gratification and addiction and procrastination.
Guilt: Another manager voice that mirrors interaction with caregivers
Shame: A remnant of ineffective parenting.
Anger: Repressed emotions that were not allowed to be expressed.
These concepts are “personalized” by turning them into characters in an “internal family” and assessing how they have continued to protect the “child” in adult years, leading to such mental health struggles such as codependency, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and addiction.
The most important concept of the above is the formation of a “mentoring inner parental voice” that will negotiate with the inner family to release protection. This is the logical, realistic, compassionate “in the moment” voice that unites the child that was lost. At the center of this diverse collection of Parts is the Self, which we may experience as a “core self” or “true self”. The Self has two factors: “The first factor (Self Qualities) contains items relating to the experience of being “in Self”, i.e. feeling calm, balanced, worthy, connected, confident, joyful, peaceful, etc. The second factor (Self-Leadership) contains items relating to the ability to bring oneself back to balance when one has been hurt or stressed, i.e., the ability to resolve inner conflicts, to stay calm under pressure, to self-sooth, etc. The amount of “Self-energy” present can be noticed by the presence of those Self qualities. In an experience of trauma (including neglect of various degrees), certain parts take over the personality for survival purposes by assuming strong roles (a Pleaser, for instance). With a protective intention, they displace the leadership position of Self. In time, what was initially a protective measure, solidifies into patterns that are difficult to change– even though they may be clearly self-destructive. As protector parts continue to override the Self, the valuable, compassionate, internal leadership is lost. Other people may love and rely on their Pleaser part but the person who is dominated by a Pleaser may become exhausted with the demands of taking care of others by sacrificing the needs of her or his own parts.
I have found that when this kind of internal domination happens, other parts in the system lose confidence in the leadership capacity of the Self. They come to believe that the domineering parts have taken over the personality. It is as if a “coup” was staged subduing true leadership of the psyche. The dominant parts come to believe that they are, in fact, the total personality. Whenever we describe ourselves as “procrastinators” or “weak-willed” or “bossy”, or any number of critical assessments, we are identified with a primary part which believes it is “who we are”.
It is important that once awareness is found that definitive action is taken. Combining aspects of coaching and behavioral change, a client will attempt to face and overcome fears.
Setting boundaries and maintaining them.
Relationship change.
Dealing with self-esteem issues and internal conflict.
Self-care.
Dealing with addiction, codependency and eating disorders.
Change becomes a habit. New habits define change. I am fully convinced that once a codependent gets to this stage, it is a case of maintaining new and healthy habits and thinking patterns. This includes looking after themselves in terms of: Practicing healthy eating, sleeping, relaxation and exercise regimes.
Codependency is a learned behavior that develops from childhood developmental trauma and a lack of connection with caregivers. This results in a never-ending quest for connection in future relationships with other people as a way to heal. These relationships are often a symptom rather than the cause of codependency and they are the vehicle that allows it to thrive. While much literature on codependency recovery focuses on behavioral change such as setting boundaries and self-care, I strongly believe that we must also go deep into the psyche and heal the root of codependency found in childhood. Once that is done, behavioral change can be implemented and much easier maintained.
This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
