porn addiction

September 21, 2021 By Castimonia

Neuroadaptation

Originally posted at: https://www.theresstillhope.org/neuroadaptation/

In his groundbreaking book, Drowning in Screen Time, my good friend David Murrow writes, “Photographic pornography has existed only since the mid-1800s and was made illegal in the United States in 1873. Vice laws were relaxed after World War II, and Hugh Hefner democratized and upscaled porn with the debut of Playboy magazine in December, 1953. The first-edition cover was tame by today’s standards, featuring Marilyn Monroe in a one-piece bathing suit.”

Dr. Howard Shaffer, of Harvard University, wrote, “I had great difficulty with my own colleagues when I suggested that a lot of addiction is the result of experience – repetitive, high-emotion, high-frequency experience. But it has become clear that neuroadaptation – that is, changes in neural circuitry that help perpetuate the behavior – occurs even in the absence of drug-taking.”

In other words, deviant sexual activity is progressive.

Recovery Step: What you think today, you will do tomorrow. And then it will own you. As Jesus said, “Everyone who commits sin becomes a slave to sin” (John 8:34). But it doesn’t have to be that way. Jesus can set you free.

September 5, 2021 By Castimonia

Codependent Families & Family Roles: What’s Yours?

originally posted at: http://thewellbeingblogger.com/2021/05/12/codependent-families-family-roles-whats-yours/

Codependent families are dysfunctional families, and there is no way I can sugar coat this. Believe me, I tried to in the past, because no one really enjoys to wake up one day and realise that their most secret suspicion – something is not right about my family – is based on true facts. Please know that there are no perfect families, as there are no perfect individuals, but there are definitely families that are less psychologically healthy than others, and that can cause a great deal of trauma and negative impact on a person’s development and growth.

My family has codependency issues and this is a problem that comes from at least three generations back. And just because you can identify this problem in your own family it doesn’t mean you haven’t been affected or even display codependent tendencies on a regular basis. Once you’re born into it, it takes continued effort to heal unhealthy behavioural and relational patterns. It takes inner work and maturity to learn and accept that such tendencies have shaped who we are and how we see the world. Let’s revisit the concept of codependency first though.

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, codependency is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition. This pathological condition can go from addiction (e.g. drugs) to personality disorders (e.g. borderline personality disorder) and traits (e.g. authoritarianism). When codependency is part of a family’s psychology, there are power struggles between its members and a good amount of control and manipulation.

In codependent families, it’s not unusual to find that each member performs a certain role within the family dynamic. The role can change from time to time, depending on the family’s dynamic as a whole. Sometimes one family member may have more than one role. According to Wegscheider-Cruse, there are five different roles. Although unhealthy, these roles have a survival value and they allow family members to experience less pain and stress. Within my family, for instances, I have played different roles to reduce the cognitive dissonance that results from living and growing up within a codependent family.

Unless some sort of therapy is initiated, people have usually no idea they are living and breathing from such roles. They may experience and sense that there is something wrong with the family dynamic, but might not be able to point out exactly what, and they may even prefer to live in the delusion that everything is alright to keep the status quo. The cost of keeping these roles active is, nonetheless, very high since they are psychologically unhealthy and, if not healed, can be passed to the following generation. The roles include the enabler, the hero, the lost child, the scapegoat, and the mascot, which I will describe next.

The Enabler

The Enabler is usually the member who is emotionally closer to the person who struggles with addiction or personality imbalances. There is a clear relationship of dependence between the enabler and that person. As situations become more chaotic and less controllable over time, the enabler tends to compensate the addict/unhealthy person by trying to control and manipulate reality, because the enabler feels extremely responsible for the family and therefore must keep it together at all cost. Enablers are usually the members of a family who extend themselves beyond measure to fulfil different chores, responsibilities and both physical and emotional needs of the whole family. People who play this role are very keen on hiding their fear, hurt, anger, guilt and pain by displaying self-blame, manipulation and self-pity.

The Hero

The Hero is usually the oldest child and the person who knows more about what is going on with the family. They know the family has issues and therefore they try to improve or make things better by becoming super achievers, providers or surrogate spouses (when children are used to fulfill a parent’s emotional needs). The Hero tends to look older than he/she is because they learned they had to act responsible from a very young age in order to survive. Heroes are often keen on hiding their loneliness, hurt, confusion, unworthiness and anger by making their best to be special, competent and confident. They often develop an independent second life away from the family.

The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat is usually identified in the family as the problematic child since they are keen on finding themselves in trouble both at home and in school. This is the family member in which the other family members place their anger and frustration. By focusing its attention on the problematic child, the family keeps the illusion that everything else is alright and healthy. Their role is to create distraction from the root-problem. Unlike the Hero, the Scapegoat seeks validation not within the family but in his peer group. Scapegoats are very keen on hiding their pain and rejection feelings by withdrawing from the family, engaging in risky behaviours, acting out and displaying aggressive behaviours.

The Lost Child

The Lost Child tends to manifest withdrawing behaviours but instead of withdrawing to a peer group they withdraw into themselves. They may protect themselves by retreating to their fantasy world. They often don’t act out, like the Scapegoat does, and they don’t seek achievements as the Hero. As such, they may go invisible and don’t get much attention from the family. The Lost Child’s role is to provide relief to the family by not giving others the chance to worry about them. Lost Children are very keen on hiding their loneliness, pain and sense of inadequacy by being quiet, distant and super independent.

The Mascot

The Mascot is usually charming and pleasant. They often make others laugh and their role is to provide light entertainment. The Mascot is often the family member who knows the least about the family’s root problem and they are rarely taken seriously. Underneath their distraction attempts lies a great amount of fragility. Mascots are keen on hiding their fear, insecurity and loneliness by being hyperactive, cute and doing funny things to grab people’s attention.

September 1, 2021 By Castimonia

Porn: The Defilement Of A Generation

by empyreandawson

It has become increasingly clear to me that exposure to online pornography, for my generation in particular, has had a host of negative effects. My age group, which comprises people born roughly from 1995 to 2000, has been the first generation in human history to have been exposed to graphic, hardcore pornography at a young age, readily available at the click of a mouse. The material in question is a far cry from the more sedated forms of erotica that were found in ‘gentleman’s’ magazines from the 1950’s onwards, and bears the distinction of having universal access via broadband, rather than the exclusive consumption by an adult audience found via newsstands.

By the age of 11, or thereabouts, me and most of my male peers at primary school were viewing online hardcore pornography. News of such a thing had filtered down from elder brothers, and had quickly smashed our innocence within a couple of viewings. Awareness had not yet entered the cultural and political atmosphere of these times, and parents only began to install protective software after childhood corruption had already occurred. In retrospect, the lexicon of porn began to emerge on the playground increasingly during this period, with ‘F*ck’, ‘Sl*t’, and other expletives being heard more than intermittently. Within several years, not belonging to this ‘club’ of viewership, and not attaining this medal of supposed ‘maturity’ within the tribe like structures of male cliques, had social implications. This was so much so that an individual may be considered sheltered, weak and ripe for mockery. It leeched into the budding world of early adolescent relationships, where castigation for those not willing to engage in sexual elements became common. As puberty progressed, any female form deviating from pornographic depictions of the ‘ideal’ was implicitly viewed, and often explicitly viewed, as unattractive, and sometimes mocked. This last attitude has remained entrenched in many to this day.

The most prevalent consequence to this in my measurement, has been the rampant instability or in some cases, inability to form relationships. Porn allowed the mind to fritter away hours discovering the latest stimulating scenario, the latest adjustment in desirable partner, to an extent that reality can never hope to match. Chasing this stimulus in the real world, the material approximation of the digital experience, rather than the other way around, has seen so many stable relationships crack and crumble due to wandering eyes and unfaithful acts. The stable partner can never change form to satisfy the whims of the libido in the way the pixelated varieties can.

This plays out in the statistics of sexual and relationship behaviour, with various changes being observed in the early 21^stcentury. Indeed, 30 percent of 16-24 year olds asked In a study had first heterosexual intercourse before the age of sixteen, and the average number of sexual partners for men has increased from 8.6, to 11.7, in the period between 1990-91 to 2010-12. Moreover, the proclivity of anal sex has increased from 12 to 17 percent in men, and from 11 to 15 percent in women.

In another interesting insight, Pew discovered via their research that around 25 percent of millennials are unlikely to marry by their mid 40’s to 50’s if trends remain, representing the highest unmarried proportion of adults in modern history. Whilst marriage is not the only manifestation of a strong relationship, societies increasing foregoing of this traditional bond arguably represents a difficulty in maintaining and entering into commitment. When a similar cohort was asked this question in 1960, 12 percent of adults had not married. This decreased to 5 percent when the same cohort was asked upon reaching their mid 40’s to 50’s.

Although there are other social conditions that these changing behaviours could be attributed to, such as financial concerns around entering into marriage, it chimes with my observations that millennials seem intent on chasing the sexual thrill presented to them in porn, and see the confines of marriage as stifling this pursuit.

A studyon aggression in porn found that of 304 popular scenes analysed, 88.2 percent contained physical aggression, principally spanking, gagging, and slapping. The Durham University academic Fiona Vera-Gray, found that 1 in every 8 titleson the front pages of the UK’s most popular porn websites described material that fit the definition of sexual violence by the World Health Organisation. These are sites that rank as some of the most viewed sites on the internet. Whilst speculative then, I do not think it illogical to suggest that the predatory climate women are exposed to on a daily basis, at least partially, has its source in the carousel of graphic imagery porn has normalised.

The problem millennials have in extracting themselves from this world is this normalisation. It is not anomalous behaviour to visit such sites, and as discussed, the habit and the consequential attitudes have now been cultivated since childhood and early adolescence. A conscious effort on the part of the individual is needed to identify the damage they are doing to themselves, the impact on current and future relationships, and the assimilation of ugly and sometimes even nefarious attitudes towards women. This awakening can then proliferate throughout social circles, and begin to challenge normalised ideas on a wider scale.

August 24, 2021 By Castimonia

How To Understand What A Porn Addiction Does To A Relationship

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/how-to-understand-what-a-porn-addiction-does-to-a-relationship/

Porn has a bad reputation and is often seen as somebody’s dirty little secret. The stereotype of the typical porn viewer is a single white male who watches late at night giving the impression that people view porn alone and as a substitute for having a partner. It is seen as a solitary, anti-social secretive activity that not many will own up to. However, the facts are that porn addiction can affect both genders and increasingly teenagers as well. Of course, couples also freely watch porn and some use it to spice up their sex life and to learn new things that may bring variety to their relationship. In this case, when the couple have made that choice together, it is fine and might be productive. It is their choice to view it or not.

However, one trend I have seen over the last few years in my work is many more people seemingly becoming addicted to watching porn. This may be because it has become freely available anywhere on the internet and is easier to access. There is still debate about whether pornography can be associated with the word addiction. There are a lot of misunderstandings concerning this subject and some go as far as saying pornography addiction is just an excuse for the sexually deprived to justify their behaviour. Sex addiction or hyper-sexuality, that is the constant need for sexual activity despite the negative consequences, is included as a mental disorder in the DSM and pornography is often seen in the same way. As both actions (sex addiction and porn addiction) release the same pleasure chemicals into the brain, many are quick to lump pornography addiction and sex addiction into the same mix. However, the two are differentiated by the fact that sex addiction requires a predilection towards intercourse while pornography merely implies the need to view explicit material. So in other words, many sex addicts overuse porn but porn addicts often don’t crave sex per se.

According to a sex research journal, pornography is often seen as a substitute for men or women engaging in sex with multiple partners and they often fantasise about being dominated, dominating themselves, taking part in sex acts that are not done in their relationship or toying with the idea of a threesome or using sex toys. This is the fundamental difference to a sex addiction where sex is the ultimate goal. Viewing pornography is mostly fantasy and stays that way. However, for their partner, this can have a devastating effect and subsequently puts pressure on the relationship. Often those who view pornography have intimacy issues and find the fantasy much more fulfilling than the reality. This in turn makes them emotionally withdraw.

(Medical News Today) Some indications that pornography may be causing a problem include:

A person’s sex life becomes less satisfying.
Pornography causes relationship issues or makes a person feel less satisfied with their partner.
A person engages in risky behaviour to view pornography, such as doing so at work.

(Medical News Today) Some other signs that a person may be developing an unhealthy relationship with porn include:

They ignore other responsibilities to view pornography.
They view progressively more extreme pornography to get the same release that less extreme porn once offered.
They feel frustrated or ashamed after viewing porn but continue to do so.
They want to stop using pornography but feel unable to do so.
They spend large sums of money on pornography, possibly at the expense of daily or family necessities.

At this point we have to mention the impact of the internet in the apparent rise of pornography addiction. Our brains were never designed to self control around the many temptations found in today’s digital world. Similar to eating disorders around the mass of sugar and sweetened products available today, our brain is overloaded by the amount of content available. In fact, in brain imaging tests carried out in Cambridge on 19 porn addicts, the same reward and pleasure areas of the brain lit up as those with drug, alcohol and eating addictions. That said, there is still much to learn about the long term effects of watching porn.

What we do know is that it desensitises the porn user and most will continue to need more and more detailed stimuli as time goes on. This can lead on a basic level to how someone sees their partner. They may compare what they see on screen to their reality and become more critical and demanding. Time spent online increases and that is often time spent away from the partner and family. Addicts may even reorder their lives to spend more time viewing making them possibly anti-social and emotionally withdrawn. There is also the increased risk of masturbation addiction. Also, someone who starts out with just little erotic and soft content begins to crave something more hard-core and this can actually degenerate into a desire to play out these fantasies in real life with unwilling partners which can sometimes have a violent outcome. Statistics concerning rapists and child molesters use of porn have drawn a direct correlation between viewing hardcore porn and crossing that threshold to acting it out.

Experts and advocates who endorse the existence of pornography addiction argue that, like other addictions, this is a complex issue with a range of possible causes. Some of these causes may include: (Medical News Today)

Underlying mental health conditions: A person might use pornography to escape psychological distress.
Relationship problems: Pornography can be an outlet for sexual dissatisfaction.
Unhealthy cultural norms: Ideas about how people should look and behave during sex, the types of sex that a person should enjoy, and similar norms may draw some people to pornography.
Biological causes: Certain biological factors, including changes in brain chemistry when a person views porn, may increase the risk of addiction.

In a relationship, the partner of a porn addict will have to deal with a number of negative issues and porn addiction can devastate the family as a whole. Any children in the relationship are likely to have to cope with the same and also likely to be exposed to pornography at a later stage. The rise in teenage porn addicts supports this view. The spouse of an addict is likely to feel rejection, betrayal, suspicion, isolation, insecurity around sexual performance, self-esteem issues and depression. It can also be a lonely, frustrating life where affection and intimacy is at a bare minimum. Many spouses blame themselves when in reality, it can be said that the addiction has very little to do with them. Much research is pointing towards the idea that the addiction may be a symptom of a much deeper issue around self-esteem and intimacy.

As a partner of a porn addict, one can take steps to help break the addiction. After recognizing the problem exists, it is important to seek treatment for the addiction from an experienced therapist. As with most addictions, withdrawal symptoms can be hard for the addict to cope with. For this reason, it would be wiser to discuss the addiction openly with your partner and support him or her through recovery rather than trying to force a stop in the behaviour. You cannot be a counsellor or only source of guidance or make yourself responsible for “fixing” the issue. However, your support will be invaluable and it is important to realise that as a partner, you will need support and education too. Only then, can you hope to be able to cope with the transparency, setting of boundaries and accountability that goes with the process. This means open communication and regular discussion, working together on setbacks, dealing with the emotions that come up and making sure to practice self-care. There are many support groups and forums for partners of porn addicts and it helps to be able to talk to others in the same situation.

There is clear evidence that this will become a major issue as time goes on as more and more opportunities present themselves in the digital world we live in. If your partner appears to be addicted to pornography, do not ignore the issue. It will only get worse.