CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

pornography addiction

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The Fruit of a Tree and Sexual Brokenness

Originally from Regeneration Ministries. https://www.regenerationministries.org/the-fruit-of-a-tree-and-sexual-brokenness/

You’ve probably heard it said here before that breaking a habit of unwanted sexual behaviors goes beyond “Behavior Management.”

Setting up filters or throwing away devices might eliminate the cues to your addiction, but it still leaves you exposed. There’s deeper work to be done.

Ultimately, to change your behavior you need to understand the why’s to your behavior. The actions you choose are connected to your emotions, to your thoughts and to your beliefs. 

You are wonderfully complex. In this episode, we’ll be looking at the design of a Tree to illustrate how you work and why you need to go deeper. (Be sure to look to the Homework section for ways to make the Tree model work for you.)

Highlights: 

FRUIT (Our Behavior)

The fruit of the tree, the leaves of the tree represent the behavior, the outward sign.

BRANCHES (Our Emotions)

When we experience some type of emotional pain or discomfort in our bodies, that serves as a trigger to move us towards these other behaviors to either medicate the pain or to get away from it.

TRUNK (Our Thoughts)

Your thoughts are more expansive than just a sentence, it holds with it some sort of image that connects to an idea.

ROOTS (Our Story)

This is where our Core beliefs lie. For example: What we learned about family based on our experience, about ourselves as kids, what God is like, about the world around us, what men are like, what women are like.

SOIL (Our Influences)

Things that influence our beliefs: Family of Origin, Abuses we’ve experienced, great disappointments, losses, etc.

The things we choose to think can be soil around our beliefs. What we choose to do can also serve as soil that nourishes the soil of what we believe.

Homework:

We are praying you choose to do the harder work of uncovering. You hold a powerful opportunity to change the trajectory of your life.  If, along the way you find yourself needing extra help, consider reaching out to us and we will set you up with a Spiritual Coach to come alongside you in your important work.

Branch Questions:

When you struggle with an unwanted behavior, begin by asking yourself, “What was I feeling before I started moving in that direction?”

If you’re feeling tempted right now, begin to notice and understand “What am I feeling in my body right now? What are the emotions I’m experiencing in my body right now?”

Trunk Questions:

What am I thinking that’s producing the kinds of emotions I’m experiencing now?

Take some guesses: What was going on for you that day? What’s coming up for you?

Root Work:

Take some time to write out what you think about the idea of Family (for example). Write the word Family on a piece of paper and then start brainstorming all that comes to mind about what a family looks like, who’s there, what they do, what does a week look like, what happens on the weekends, what does home look like to you, what role do you play. Taking time to write out the construct of what Family looks like to you can deconstruct some of the feelings you have attached to it.

Soil Work:

Nourish your beliefs through things like – exercise, scripture memorization, silence, simplicity, worship, communion, confession.

If you want to learn more, check out Josh’s latest musing on this topic at, If You Keep Repeating Your Sin

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Magnolia Monday Meeting Cancelled 1/31 and 2/7

The Monday night in-person Magnolia, TX Castimonia meeting is cancelled for two weeks, Jan. 31 and Feb. 7.

Please join the Monday night zoom meeting or the Cypress or Katy in-person meetings.

For more information visit http://www.Casrimonia.org or for zoom meeting info email info@castimonia.org

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How To Understand What A Porn Addiction Does To A Relationship

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/how-to-understand-what-a-porn-addiction-does-to-a-relationship/

Porn has a bad reputation and is often seen as somebody’s dirty little secret. The stereotype of the typical porn viewer is a single white male who watches late at night giving the impression that people view porn alone and as a substitute for having a partner. It is seen as a solitary, anti-social secretive activity that not many will own up to. However, the facts are that porn addiction can affect both genders and increasingly teenagers as well. Of course, couples also freely watch porn and some use it to spice up their sex life and to learn new things that may bring variety to their relationship. In this case, when the couple have made that choice together, it is fine and might be productive. It is their choice to view it or not.

However, one trend I have seen over the last few years in my work is many more people seemingly becoming addicted to watching porn. This may be because it has become freely available anywhere on the internet and is easier to access. There is still debate about whether pornography can be associated with the word addiction. There are a lot of misunderstandings concerning this subject and some go as far as saying pornography addiction is just an excuse for the sexually deprived to justify their behaviour. Sex addiction or hyper-sexuality, that is the constant need for sexual activity despite the negative consequences, is included as a mental disorder in the DSM and pornography is often seen in the same way. As both actions (sex addiction and porn addiction) release the same pleasure chemicals into the brain, many are quick to lump pornography addiction and sex addiction into the same mix. However, the two are differentiated by the fact that sex addiction requires a predilection towards intercourse while pornography merely implies the need to view explicit material. So in other words, many sex addicts overuse porn but porn addicts often don’t crave sex per se.

According to a sex research journal, pornography is often seen as a substitute for men or women engaging in sex with multiple partners and they often fantasise about being dominated, dominating themselves, taking part in sex acts that are not done in their relationship or toying with the idea of a threesome or using sex toys. This is the fundamental difference to a sex addiction where sex is the ultimate goal. Viewing pornography is mostly fantasy and stays that way. However, for their partner, this can have a devastating effect and subsequently puts pressure on the relationship. Often those who view pornography have intimacy issues and find the fantasy much more fulfilling than the reality. This in turn makes them emotionally withdraw.

(Medical News Today) Some indications that pornography may be causing a problem include:

  • A person’s sex life becomes less satisfying.
  • Pornography causes relationship issues or makes a person feel less satisfied with their partner.
  • A person engages in risky behaviour to view pornography, such as doing so at work.

(Medical News Today) Some other signs that a person may be developing an unhealthy relationship with porn include:

  • They ignore other responsibilities to view pornography.
  • They view progressively more extreme pornography to get the same release that less extreme porn once offered.
  • They feel frustrated or ashamed after viewing porn but continue to do so.
  • They want to stop using pornography but feel unable to do so.
  • They spend large sums of money on pornography, possibly at the expense of daily or family necessities.

At this point we have to mention the impact of the internet in the apparent rise of pornography addiction. Our brains were never designed to self control around the many temptations found in today’s digital world. Similar to eating disorders around the mass of sugar and sweetened products available today, our brain is overloaded by the amount of content available. In fact, in brain imaging tests carried out in Cambridge on 19 porn addicts, the same reward and pleasure areas of the brain lit up as those with drug, alcohol and eating addictions. That said, there is still much to learn about the long term effects of watching porn.

What we do know is that it desensitises the porn user and most will continue to need more and more detailed stimuli as time goes on. This can lead on a basic level to how someone sees their partner. They may compare what they see on screen to their reality and become more critical and demanding. Time spent online increases and that is often time spent away from the partner and family. Addicts may even reorder their lives to spend more time viewing making them possibly anti-social and emotionally withdrawn. There is also the increased risk of masturbation addiction. Also, someone who starts out with just little erotic and soft content begins to crave something more hard-core and this can actually degenerate into a desire to play out these fantasies in real life with unwilling partners which can sometimes have a violent outcome. Statistics concerning rapists and child molesters use of porn have drawn a direct correlation between viewing hardcore porn and crossing that threshold to acting it out.

Experts and advocates who endorse the existence of pornography addiction argue that, like other addictions, this is a complex issue with a range of possible causes. Some of these causes may include: (Medical News Today)

  • Underlying mental health conditions: A person might use pornography to escape psychological distress.
  • Relationship problems: Pornography can be an outlet for sexual dissatisfaction.
  • Unhealthy cultural norms: Ideas about how people should look and behave during sex, the types of sex that a person should enjoy, and similar norms may draw some people to pornography.
  • Biological causes: Certain biological factors, including changes in brain chemistry when a person views porn, may increase the risk of addiction.

In a relationship, the partner of a porn addict will have to deal with a number of negative issues and porn addiction can devastate the family as a whole. Any children in the relationship are likely to have to cope with the same and also likely to be exposed to pornography at a later stage. The rise in teenage porn addicts supports this view. The spouse of an addict is likely to feel rejection, betrayal, suspicion, isolation, insecurity around sexual performance, self-esteem issues and depression. It can also be a lonely, frustrating life where affection and intimacy is at a bare minimum. Many spouses blame themselves when in reality, it can be said that the addiction has very little to do with them. Much research is pointing towards the  idea that the addiction may be a symptom of a much deeper issue around self-esteem and intimacy.

As a partner of a porn addict, one can take steps to help break the addiction. After recognizing the problem exists, it is important to seek treatment for the addiction from an experienced therapist. As with most addictions, withdrawal symptoms can be hard for the addict to cope with. For this reason, it would be wiser to discuss the addiction openly with your partner and support him or her through recovery rather than trying to force a stop in the behaviour. You cannot be a counsellor or only source of guidance or make yourself responsible for “fixing” the issue. However, your support will be invaluable and it is important to realise that as a partner, you will need support and education too. Only then, can you hope to be able to cope with the transparency, setting of boundaries and accountability that goes with the process. This means open communication and regular discussion, working together on setbacks, dealing with the emotions that come up and making sure to practice self-care. There are many support groups and forums for partners of porn addicts and it helps to be able to talk to others in the same situation.

There is clear evidence that this will become a major issue as time goes on as more and more opportunities present themselves in the digital world we live in. If your partner appears to be addicted to pornography, do not ignore the issue. It will only get worse.

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The Serpent of Pornography and How to Crush it

I imagine Satan being very much like a cobra. Known for the hideous hood it extends when preparing to attack, it actually spits into the eyes of its victim before striking. With its target blinded and helpless, the serpent could easily squirm away into the brush. But this viper is not content with escape; it enjoys killing. With bared fangs, it lunges, injecting its deadly poison into its victim’s body. This is a fitting picture of the man lured into viewing pornography.

The Serpent of Pornography Deceives You

The temptation usually begins when he comes across a glimpse of flesh and/or a sexually suggestive hyper-link. It is just enough venom to temporarily blind him to the impending danger. The initial presentation is stimulating, creating a sensual atmosphere which spiritually incapacitates him.

It seems irresistible because it is laced with deception—namely, that the act of sin will bring about tremendous pleasure and satisfaction. The tantalizing thought is presented and all thoughts of resistance are forgotten. The act of sexual sin looks absolutely intoxicating and therefore irresistible. The serpent is extremely cunning. He slithers up to his unsuspecting victim, camouflaging the sin, presenting it under the perfect illusion of innocence. He times his attack to best accomplish his purpose, “to steal, and kill, and destroy’ God’s property.” Now the serpent moves in for the kill. That one glimpse of Porn unleashes a poison that rockets into the man’s soul and instantly spreads throughout his being. Just like a snakebite victim, he enters a catatonic state of mind: a sexual trance where all reason seems to abandon him. Lust rushes through his body; his face flushes with excitement; his palms get sweaty.

Solomon described this spiritual stupor this way: “With her many persuasions she entices him. With her flattering lips she seduces him. Suddenly he follows her as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool, until an arrow pierces through his liver; as a bird hastens to the snare, so he does not know that it will cost him his life.”  Proverbs 7:21-23

The Serpent of Pornography Impairs You

Once a snake bites, its victim then becomes vulnerable to other predators.

Some time ago, I watched a National Geographic special that showed a lioness who had been bitten by a cobra. For days, she suffered under the effects of its venom. Weakened to the point of collapse, she faced great danger from a roving pack of ravenous hyenas. She was helpless to defend herself from their savage attacks.

This is certainly true of the man who views pornography. Its poison, rather than dissipating after he has completed his act of lust, continues to contaminate his heart over the coming days. Its toxin remains in his system, altering his perspectives, polluting his mind, and spreading darkness over his soul. The lust it initially appealed to is now inflamed into burning desire. Rather than satisfying the man’s sexual passion, it only serves to further ignite it.

Not only must the infected man deal with the after-effects of the bite, but now he is even more weakened spiritually against the enemies of his soul. He attempts to go about his daily routines, but lascivious memories continue to haunt him. These images are like Third World beggars crowding around him, clamoring for another handout. No matter how much you give them, they’re never satisfied. Indeed, every gift only emboldens them to demand more.

The Serpent of Pornography Must Be Crushed

Christian men must do everything within their power to crush the serpent of pornography. Two practical measures a man should take include: installing a filter on his Internet devices, and controlling his television viewing. However, the fact remains that we live in a snake-infested world. In our day and age, it is almost inevitable that men will face this temptation at some point. The wise believer will prepare himself for that day with the Word of God.

When a man “receives with meekness the engrafted word,” he will discerns the source of temptation that comes his way. He understands that, behind the beautiful illusion of pleasure, there is a snake—coiled and ready to strike. He has been bitten by it before and has learned the hard way the price that is paid for every indulgence. He has the heart-knowledge (much different from head knowledge) to “be a doer of the Word” and turn away from the temptation.

Time spent in the Word everyday builds up a man’s immune system against the poison of pornography. The scriptures are simply the thinking and perspectives of the Lord. As a man continually immerses himself in the Bible, he will gradually take on God’s mindset toward life, people and, yes, even sexuality. A man who devotes daily time to the Word is given spiritual insight into the power of temptation and how it works. Just as the Word of God prepares a man to face temptation, it is also the only antidote for the man once he has been bitten by the serpent of lust. Regular doses of Scripture are the very thing he needs to be built up spiritually and thus counteract the effects of the poison of pornography. “Precept upon precept; line upon line; here a little, and there a little…” Isaiah 28:10

It is only the “Sword of the Spirit” that can sever the head of the serpent of porn.

Source : Pure Life Ministries. – Steve Gallagher

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10 Porn Addiction Signs & Symptoms to Expect

Here are signs and symptoms of porn addiction:

1. Isolation: Isolation is common for people who are dealing out of control sexual behavior. When people are dealing with porn addictions, this is a common symptom that they and partners describe. There is often an increased pulling away from the family and other responsibilities.

Isolation is often used as a tool to manage stress and other difficult emotions. Pornography, dating apps, and other technology can often be used as numbing tools. Numbing alone isn’t an addiction, but numbing can lead to compulsive behavior.

2. Irritability: Irritability is common with sexual compulsivity. When people are making behavioral changes, this is can be due to anxiety that comes from abrupt changes in behavior. Some also experience a loss that goes with making big life changes. Counseling can often help people increase tolerance to discomfort.

3. Shame: For some people struggling with sex addiction, shame can be a serious problem. Low shame resilience isn’t caused by compulsive behaviors, but it certainly can reinforce negative feelings about yourself. When shame increases, so does the risk of compulsive behavior. Many have been discovered cheating and telling lies. This can lead to serious feelings of disconnection. Shame resilience is important in any recovery plan.

4. Depression: Depression can be something that leads to out of control sexual behavior or something that increases from dealing with an addiction. Without out of control behavior, you might be face-to-face with the lack of connection that you’re having with your partner. Some deal with feelings such as boredom, which are related to depression. Others deal with more intense feelings of depression. Either way, these things are important to address. Therapies such as Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, ACT, and CBT can be helpful.

5. Loss of Interest: During sex addiction recovery, you may experience loss of interest in addition to your depression. This can be a loss of interest in many things, including sex itself. It can be difficult to stay mentally present and engaged. This isn’t something that changes overnight, but it’s something that you’ll want to work on with your therapist in your recovery.

6. Relapse: Relapsing is common. It’s also complicated. Those who identify as addicts use the term relapse to describe them returning to old coping behaviors. This term can help those who identify as addicts.

Others who don’t identify with the term addiction, often still struggle to make life changes in their behavior patterns.

Whether the term fits or not, people have to deal with guilt and shame that they feel about motivation to change.

7. Mood Swings: Mood swings are to be expected as you adjust to life with new coping behaviors. As you distance yourself from the out of control behavior, your mind and body will become better adjusted to life with balance. During this process, however, you may experience anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, and more during various part of the day for no particular reason.

8. Relationship issues: Whether people are in long term relationships or not, relationship strain is common when dealing with out of control behaviors. This can be a relationship with others, but also your relationship with yourself. It’s important to develop relationships that have boundaries and can build trust and commitment.

9. Dysphoria: This symptom is commonly overlooked but some may experience when recovering from sex addiction. Dysphoria is a state of severe unease or dissatisfaction with one’s life, body, or overall circumstances. It is closely related to depression, but it may be specifically attached to feeling uneasy about recovery or making life changes. This can make it difficult to stick with plans long enough for changes to occur. The best way to deal with this symptom is to speak openly to your doctor or counselor and learn which options are available to you.

10. Sexual Avoidance: It’s pretty common for people to feel so ashamed that they end up avoiding sex altogether. This can be because you feel unworthy of sex from the shame that you’re experiencing. Sexual avoidance can be another extreme and can become its own type of compulsion.