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So Why do I Hang Around?

by livingonquicksandblog

My last post itemized all the shit that has gone on since our marriage four years ago.  Some of it is undoubtedly real, some of it may be my imagination.  But that is the soul sucking part of being married to a sex addict. You lose all sense of what is true and real and what is lies and deception.  Which brings me around, again, to the obvious question.  It is a question I know you are asking, one which I have asked other women in my situation, and one that you may be asking yourself if you have recently discovered that you have hitched your star to a sex addict. Why did you stay then and why do you continue to stay now?

I know that, to someone looking in from the outside, the solution is obvious. If you can’t trust him, leave him. From the inside, though, the solution is anything but simple. It is painfully complex and gut wrenching.

Everyone’s list will be different but I suspect the partners of sex addicts will identify with many of my reasons for staying with a man who has been leading  a double life for the entire history of our relationship.

  1. I love him deeply. He is a kind and gentle man who in every other sense has treated me with respect.  He is intelligent, articulate and funny.  We enjoy the same things and can sit and talk for hours. We can laugh and be silly together. He has always supported me and my decisions without judgment. He drinks only occasionally and never uses drugs.  He has a deep an unconditional love for his children and has always been there for them. It turns out he even likes cats although he always said he didn’t.  He is good at almost everything he turns his hand to and is an accomplished athlete, yet very humble about his achievements and eager to work with others, regardless of their abilities. His patience is almost limitless.  He is lean and strong and handsome.  When we first started dating I told him he was perfect and he got almost angry with me, saying he was anything but perfect.  It has taken me 16 years to figure out what he meant.
  2. He is an excellent liar. If there were an Olympic medal for lying, I’m pretty sure it would go to a sex addict. To indulge in all these dark vices – pornography, masturbation, hookers, adultery – over a period of 40 years – requires A LOT of deception.  I still do not understand how or when he pulled it all off. But when I am feeling like a nob for not putting things together much sooner, I remind myself that he had two other wives who never figured it out at all.  I guess that makes me a winner of sorts.
  3. I didn’t get the sort of cues I would have expected from an adulterous spouse. No lipstick on the collar, no strange perfume (except once in his car, and he blamed that on his daughter), no strange hang-up phone calls, no incriminating texts, no long unexplained blocks of time.  He was (as far as I knew) at work, or training, or driving home or with me.  We were together every evening.  I remember thinking that if he was seeing another woman she certainly wasn’t very demanding of his time.  The thought of afternoon hookers never entered my head.  Which brings me to….
  4. The things he was doing were just simply not in my realm of experience. I live a world away from hookers and frankly had never given them much thought. Sure, I had caught glimpses of girls in impossibly short shorts and stilettos and I knew what they were doing on the street. But they weren’t part of my personal experience and, until Rob was arrested on the stroll I never gave them a second thought. I tucked them safely away as something that other people had to deal with.  I pitied their situation while simultaneously inwardly judging their choices.  There were so many things I didn’t know.  I didn’t know sex could be an addiction.  I didn’t know hookers worked during the day, I knew there were massage parlours that perhaps offered other, less legitimate services but had no idea who might access those services.  The result was that I couldn’t even imagine him doing the things he was doing. Seriously?  Stopping on the way home for a hand job the way you would stop for a loaf of bread?  How could I know that?
  5. Like all addicts he is a manipulator. He is good at turning things around to make me feel like I am over reacting, or being a jealous spouse or being just plain crazy. In the end I no longer trusted my own instincts.  This is a process called gaslighting which I didn’t even know was a thing until recently, though I have been it’s victim for years.
  6. Hindsight is 20/20. When I go back and itemize all the things that have happened it seems so obvious.  But the reality is that these things happened over a period of years, and most seemed relatively trivial.  Do you ask your husband for a divorce because the phone was placed upside down on its cradle? Or because you found a 1.98 charge on his credit card bill for a dating site? Any one incident wasn’t enough, especially when he so adeptly talked his way out of every situation.  Up until finding the hooker list I had no proof of anything. All I had was the nudging of an instinct I no longer trusted.
  7. Yes, we had a normal sex life.  It wasn’t as frequent as 20-somethings.  But, after all, sixty is in the rear view mirror for both of us.  But it was, at least for me, plentiful and satisfying.  I have read that sex addicts often pull away from their spouses physically, but I can’t say that was true in our case.  I will say that he was rarely the instigator of any sexual contact, it was always me. I always got the sense that he would be too embarrassed if I said no, so he left it up to me.  In hindsight I probably just wasn’t as much of a turn on as the hooker fantasy he had going on in his head.
  8. Our marriage was and is wonderful. I know this sounds wacky, given the subject matter of this blog, but, aside from that niggling feeling that things were going on that I couldn’t get a handle on, our marriage was fabulous.  We have travelled to amazing places and had adventures that many can only dream of.  We have an lovely home in a beautiful location.  Most importantly he is home with me, every night, without fail. We cuddle, we chat about each other’s day, we have our favourite shows that we watch together, we compete fiercely at board games, we are financially stable and we are surrounded by family that love us.  We are each other’s best friends and confidantes. We have only had one mildly physical disagreement, years ago, in which I was the aggressor. He is the calm gentle one. All of that is an awful lot to give up.  In balancing the “do I stay or do I go” equation, the quality of the rest of our relationship weighs heavily in favor of staying.

I may stay, or I may go.  I don’t know yet.  It depends on whether I feel he is making an honest effort at recovery.  Currently the signs are good but it is very early.  He is in a 12 step program but struggling with the steps and the many references to God.  But he is going to the meetings.  He has a supportive counselor and some friends that he can call on if he is feeling overwhelmed.  He has “come out” to these friends as well as to one of his daughters and with each telling I feel like the shadows are lifting and the secrets are being swept away.  It means that I have people that I can talk to who know the story (maybe not the whole story but the essentials) and that makes me feel a whole lot better. Meanwhile his recovery is his stuff, and my recovery is my stuff. More on that in a future post.

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The Case of the Super Christian

1 Timothy 1:12–17 – “I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might dis­play his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.”

Do you find yourself struggling to measure up to the way you think a Christian is supposed to behave? How would you feel if a great Christian leader admitted to a similar struggle? Many of us probably find Paul’s self­-disclosure above a great relief because we struggle with a perfectionist ideal of how a mature Christian should behave. We idealize others we know or see in leadership and compare ourselves to them, feeling we do not embody the love, grace, patience and wisdom a “good” Christian should.

As a result we feel inferior, guilty and discouraged; our growth path becomes hampered by these obstacles. However, knowing that someone like Paul, who served God passionately and accomplished so much in his life, can say that he is “the worst of sinners,” gives us hope. It helps us to not focus on trying to be a “super Christian” and instead accept where we are today.

The goal of spiritual growth is not perfection but maturity. Our growth in Jesus will bear fruit in a transformed life and character (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). But we will still have issues and struggles. The Apostle Paul also said, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (see Philippians 3:12). We must press on and not let our imperfections get us down.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 57: I Get Drunk, We Stay Sober – Addiction Recovery in Community

Doug discusses the elements of community as they relate to recovery. We are stronger together, and there are elements of recovery that can only happen when we walk through them together.

Please visit castimonia.org/podcasts for more information or links to the books referenced. As always, email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org with any questions and/or comments!

Thanks for listening!

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Responding to Relapse: Dealing With the Shame

originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-dealing-shame/

August 24, 2016 by

im was introduced earlier this week in Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions. His wife of eight years, Rachael, had been shocked to discover he’d been regularly viewing Internet porn for about two months. In all their years together, he had seemed like an upright Christian man with strong morals. After Jim had started meeting with their pastor, Paul, he’d stopped viewing Internet porn. So, Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and dismayed all over again when they learned Jim had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase pornographic material in print, instead!

Suppose, however, that Jim reports incredible shame over his behavior at this point. Suppose Jim’s experience epitomizes the definition of shame suggested by Ed Welch: Shame is “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did … You feel exposed and humiliated.”1 What kind of hope is there for someone like Jim?

Shame can facilitate or frustrate sinners’ progress

Although relapses into sinful behavior can provoke a sense of shame in people, depending on the mind-set of a person, the impact of the shame can be very different. Notice from the definition above that shame results from a global self-evaluation by a person. Shame is not a limited assessment of specific behaviors; it is a holistic assessment about one’s overall personhood. The totality of its scope makes it difficult to bear—and to change. However, central to dealing with shame is identifying the standard that was used as the basis for evaluation.

Shame might facilitate spiritual growth

Although shame is not pleasant to experience, it can be a prod for spiritual growth. In the Bible, shame can be a sign of a properly functioning conscience. If the conscience is not functioning properly, people can ignore and violate God’s law with little or no remorse. In these cases, feelings of guilt and shame are dulled or diminished. Jeremiah describes this condition with graphic clarity:

10prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.

11They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.

“Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.

12Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. (Jer. 8:10b–12a, emphasis added)

In Jeremiah’s situation, what made the priests’ and prophets’ conduct detestable was its deviation from God’s will. They had convinced themselves that their false message of peace was true and acceptable! The priests’ and prophets’ retrained consciences did not register the shame they should have experienced that could have curtailed their false teaching.

Jim’s conscience is registering his sin, and so it would appear that his shame is appropriate. Pastor Paul could capitalize on this and guide Jim further in his spiritual development to move beyond this sin. (See my article Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions for suggestions on how this could be done.)

Shame might frustrate sinners’ growth

There is another possible direction Jim’s shame might go, however. Suppose Jim returns to his pastor’s office two months after their counseling had helped him regain sexual purity and their conversation runs like this:

“Hi Jim! It’s good to see you. What can I do for you today?”

“Paul, I’m struggling again.”

“Jim, have you gotten back into porn?”

“No, not really. I mean, I do sometimes remember those images, but I haven’t gone looking for new ones. But, I just can’t believe how much I’ve hurt Rachael.”

“Has she brought this up in a recent conversation?”

“No, she hasn’t. But what kind of man must I be to have done this to her? I wasn’t raised to think any of this is acceptable. Five—ten—years ago, I never imagined I’d do this sort of thing.”

In this scenario, Jim feels defiled or stained by his past sin all over again. If left unchecked, this shame will frustrate his spiritual growth. Assuming Pastor Paul had walked him through what the Bible teaches regarding God’s readiness to forgive our sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross, what else can be said to help Jim? Here is a tactic Jim’s pastor might use with him.

Defiling shame is cleansed by the blood of Jesus

Pastor Paul might help Jim see there is a subtle pride at work. Jim always had considered himself above this type of sin. Now that he knows he is not, his image of himself is shattered. This has produced a nagging sense of uncertainty for him. But Jim must learn to rest in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice for his cleansing.2 No one can ask for anything more, because God says nothing more is needed. “For by one sacrifice he [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Heb. 10:14; see also Heb. 9:14).

A good illustration of this sufficient cleansing power is found in the Apostle Paul’s experience. Like Jim, Paul—as Saul, the Pharisee—thought of himself in positive terms, which he rehearses in Philippians 3:5–6: “Circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” He expands on his zeal for persecuting the church in Galatians 1:13: “I persecuted the church of God [whom he thought he was serving!] and tried to destroy it.” Then, his encounter with the risen Christ forced him to see how wrong and self-deceived he was.

Later in his life he recounted again what he had been like as a non-Christian, yet in even more unflattering terms: “I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man” (1 Tim. 1:13). Recognizing this, Paul was overwhelmed with how God blessed him through Jesus (see v. 14). Here is the bottom line for Jim: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.3 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (vv. 15–16 ESV, emphasis added).

Jim can be reminded that if the Apostle Paul could be cleansed and be used by God as he was, then Jim has no reason to view himself any differently. In fact, Jim should find himself echoing the exuberant praise of the Apostle: “Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (v. 17). His Lord deserves nothing less, because Jim deserved nothing more.4

Dr. Jeff Forrey
Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).

Footnotes:
  1. Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012), Kindle edition, chap.
  2. Our redemption can be described by different terms because of its varied effects on us. If Pastor Paul emphasized the element of “forgiveness” (a legal term) in the past, then Jim might benefit from thinking about another element, “cleansing,” which is especially pertinent for dealing with shame, which is readily described as “feeling dirty or defiled.”
  3. Foremost, or the KJV’s chief of sinners, most effectively conveys the idea that Paul saw himself as especially deserving of God’s wrath, not because his sins were any worse than others, but because he led the charge in trying to undo what God was doing through Christ. He was the “foremost” because he was “at the front of the line,” so to speak.
  4. Pastor Paul also could point Jim to the woman at the well in John 4. Or he might point Jim to the one time prostitute, Rahab, mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. These women’s experiences should reinforce for Jim: “Where sin increased”—even sexual sin, even Jim’s sexual sin—“God’s grace increased all the more” (Rom. 5:20).