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Boundaries

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Practical Boundaries: How to Set Them, Say Them, and Stick to Them

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/practical-boundaries-how-to-set-them-say-them-and-stick-to-them/

A lot of the work I do in the therapy is helping client with understanding boundaries. That emotional space that many people like to cross into if you let them. Healthy as they are, we all have problems setting them and even more trouble maintaining them. We often see them as conflict and fear the reaction from the “injured” party. 

Most people don’t struggle with setting boundaries because they don’t understand the concept, they struggle because setting boundaries creates discomfort. The moment one is set, it produces a range of emotions, guilt, fear of conflict or reaction, fear of being disliked or seen as being difficult or selfish. This is especially the case if you grew up in an environment where “reading the room” and managing other’s moods or learning that to be loved meant you needed to be useful. So for most, setting a boundary poses a risk and often a risk not worth taking. 

This is why a boundary has to be practical and not turned into a speech, debate or a conversation as to why you are setting it. A boundary should be seen as a clear “line in the sand” concerning what you will and won’t do to protect your time, your dignity and your wellbeing. In practice, a boundary is about your behavior. If you over-explain, it’s not a boundary, it’s a request. 

Yet, setting a boundary is a relatively simple exercise. It consists of two parts, firstly the line, (what you are or aren’t available for) and secondly the following-through (what you will do if the line is crossed). It is effective when both parts are about you and not about controlling them. A useful template is “ I’m sorry, I’m not available for X, If X happens, I will Y”. For example, on time: “I’m not available for calls after 8pm, if you call after then, I will call you back the next day”, or stronger: “If you shout at me, I will end the call and we will need to try another time to speak”.

In the above examples, there is no lecture or accusation or justification. There is no request for agreement. You are just stating what you will do. This is truly important to realise because people will often try to test new boundaries being set, not always in a malicious way, but because they have learnt they can. Your job is to put the boundary across kindly (tone of voice matters) without turning it into a debate. Say it once, repeat it once if needed then follow through with it. 

Many boundaries fail through over-explanation. The boundary is stated and then comes the case building. That is: reasons, details, apologies and softening phrases until the boundary is so diluted that it ceases to exist or your boundary sounds like a maybe. A practical “no” has three steps: a clear no ( No, I can’t), an optional short reason, (It doesn’t work for me) and then stop talking. If you want to add some warmth, add the following, “I hope you find someone who can”, but don’t defend your reasons. If they push back, repeat “I can’t”, same words, same tone. This is not coldness, it’s clarity and avoids being dragged into managing their emotional reactions. 

Time boundaries are often where please pleasing hides and if you are always free in the eyes of others, then your schedule will be full of other’s wishes. A practical and effective method is to decide your availability before anyone asks. Block out your non-negotiables first, sleep routine, work, exercise, mealtimes, admin time and downtime. Then produce slots where you are available for others to see or help. When someone asks, don‘t say “any time“, offer two options and if neither works, look into the week after. 

In our modern world, phone and texting boundaries are needed more than ever. Constant texting from others can be overwhelming and cause small and frequent interruption in our day. The expectation of a quick reply produces pressure to drop boundaries to avoid guilt. Choose one rule that might be easy to keep, such as, “I don‘t text while I‘m at work“ or “I answer texts twice a day unless they are important. Please call if it is”. If someone keeps probing this with texts like “hello?”, don’t feel the need to reply straight away. Reply according to the rules you have set yourself. 

Some boundaries need enforcing straight away and some you can take time to think about. It is never too late to set one but some are needed immediately. Such is the case with people who interrupt or steamroll their way through conversations. In these cases, an effective method is to stop them, state what you need and act. “I’m going to stop you there, I need to finish my sentence”. If it continues, don’t get louder, just pause. When the other is finished, name the consequence. “I’m going now, we can continue this when I’m not constantly interrupted” (Tone is everything here). This is not punishment but protection and the consequence should be immediate, predictable and something done without performance. 

It is in the area of family that many people have the most issues with boundary setting. Family know how to push your buttons because they mostly installed them. With family, it is often about fewer words not more. Pick one line and stick to it. Examples are “I’m not discussing my relationship”, “I’m not talking about my weight” or “If we keep shouting, I am leaving”. Use a simple two-phase method. Phase one, state the line, phase two, act ( end the call, leave the room, go home). The skill here is to tolerate their disappointment without trying to fix it. 

The main reason people don’t set boundaries is the fear of the aftermath. From others you might get sulking, guilt trips, sarcasm or comments like, “ Oh, you’ve changed!”. You need to plan for the aftermath to happen and how you will deal with it. Helpful, is to use a simple response to avoid getting dragged into over explanation or justification. Acknowledge, restate, exit. “ I hear you but my decision is the same”. If more pushback comes, “Sorry, I’m not discussing this further”, then stop engaging. Internally, you may feel guilt, anxiety or a strong compulsion to fix the situation. Don’t treat these as a moral verdict, look at them as a nervous system reaction to doing something new. 

Dr Nicholas Jenner

Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a therapist, coach, and speaker, has over 20 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. His specialty lies in treating codependency, a condition that is often characterized by a compulsive dependence on a partner, friend, or family member for emotional or psychological sustenance. Dr. Jenner’s approach to treating codependency involves using Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, a treatment method that has gained widespread popularity in recent years. He identifies the underlying causes of codependent behavior by exploring his patients’ internal “parts,” or their different emotional states, to develop strategies to break free from it. Dr. Jenner has authored numerous works on the topic and offers online therapy services to assist individuals in developing healthy relationships and achieving emotional independence.

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Navigating Relationship Conflict: Establishing Boundaries and Autonomy

originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/navigating-relationship-conflict-establishing-boundaries-and-autonomy/

In the context of interpersonal relationships, conflict is frequently seen as an indication of instability or incompatibility. However, when it is treated in a constructive manner, it has the potential to act as a catalyst for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger bonding. Partners are able to share common ground, declare limits, and practise personal autonomy when they embrace conflict with a collaborative and empathic perspective. This allows them to transform potential strife into chances for enrichment and mutual development.

Every partnership is built on the foundation of two distinct individuals, each of whom brings their own unique set of viewpoints, values, requirements, and aspirations to the table. The fact that each partner is navigating their own path while simultaneously attempting to combine it with their partner’s path inevitably results in conflict given these variances. When a dispute emerges, it is tempting to ignore or hide it in order to preserve harmony rather than confront it. On the other hand, confronting disagreements head-on while maintaining an open mind and a respectful demeanour might result in a more profound comprehension of one another. When couples are in disagreement with one another, they have the opportunity to communicate their genuine thoughts and emotions, which may not come to the surface during times of greater clarity. Through this transparency, trust and closeness are fostered, and it is revealed that the two parties share beliefs and ambitions, which can build the foundation of the relationship.

In order to successfully navigate conflict, it is essential to establish clear boundaries. Establishing and maintaining good boundaries is critical to the maintenance of a successful relationship, as they ensure that both partners feel respected and appreciated. In the normal course of events, conflict presents an opportunity to recognise and explain these boundaries. A quarrel might provide an opportunity for one partner to define and reinforce the boundaries that they have set for themselves when they feel that their limitations are being tested. During this process, not only are future misunderstandings avoided, but also the sense of self that each individual possesses within the context of the relationship is validated. Partners are better able to comprehend each other’s needs and expectations when they have clear boundaries, which results in a dynamic that is more balanced and in which both individuals feel secure and understood.

Equally as crucial is the implementation of personal autonomy within the context of a relationship. It is necessary for each partner to keep their own identity and independence in order for the relationship to be considered healthy. A healthy relationship is characterised by mutual support and dependency. Conflict has the potential to bring to light areas in which one partner may feel that they are being undervalued or overshadowed, which can then inspire essential conversations that reinforce personal autonomy. When these concerns are discussed honestly, it ensures that both parties are able to pursue their own personal interests and growth while still maintaining their commitment to the relationship. In order to achieve long-term relationship happiness, it is essential to strike a balance between independence and connection.

Active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise are three essential components of an effective conflict resolution strategy. The creation of a place for constructive discourse is facilitated when partners approach arguments with the intention of gaining an understanding rather than seeking victory. In order to accomplish this, it is necessary to listen to each other’s points of view without immediately passing judgement or becoming defensive. In this context, empathy is of utmost importance since it enables partners to comprehend the problem from the perspectives of one another and to acknowledge the emotions that each other is experiencing. The ability to compromise is also essential since it exhibits a willingness to find solutions that are mutually acceptable and demonstrates respect for the requirements of each other.

Additionally, discussing conflict in a healthy manner helps to promote resilience and adaptability within the partnership. Through the process of acquiring the skills necessary to effectively navigate arguments, couples become better equipped to deal with future issues. It is essential for the durability of the relationship that both parties are able to grow and change together over time, and this adaptability ensures that both spouses can evolve together. Each disagreement that is resolved deepens the link, resulting in a greater sense of trust and security for the relationship.

On the other hand, when it is handled correctly, conflict can also result in innovation inside the relationship. The resolution of disagreements frequently calls for inventive approaches to problem-solving, which in turn encourages couples to think creatively and come up with novel methods of interacting to one another. It is possible that this innovation may result in more efficient communication patterns, more emotional intimacy, and new experiences that are shared by both parties, which will enrich the relationship.

At the end of the day, it is not useful to be afraid of conflict in a relationship; rather, it should be welcomed as a natural and advantageous component of partnership. Couples have the ability to transform possible disagreements into chances for greater connection and mutual progress if they make use of these moments to share common ground, express limits, and practise personal autonomy. Partners are provided with the resources necessary to manage future problems with confidence and unity when they adopt this perspective because it encourages resiliency, adaptation, and a greater knowledge of each other. Relationships have the potential to become more robust, meaningful, and long-lasting if they are shifted from viewing conflict as a threat to viewing it as an opportunity.

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Boundaries Build Bridges… Don’t Be Afraid To Set Them

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/boundaries-build-bridges-dont-be-afraid-to-set-them/

In my opinion, any relationship that doesn’t have healthy boundaries is not living up to its full potential. Yet, many are either unwilling or unable to set them. Many clients I see can not even define what a healthy boundary might even look like or are afraid of the consequences of setting them. Why would this situation, which in effect, is one of the healthiest practices we can engage in, go so wrong so often? The simple answer is that you cannot practice what you have never been taught. Many who find the setting of boundaries difficult, come from backgrounds where there were none, they were too tight or too loose, meaning that an element of fear exists in using them. Boundaries define your personal physical and psychological space and teach others how you wish to be treated. They define you and your values and define you as an individual. They are an essential part of interacting with others and good boundaries build bridges in a sense of emotional honesty. They do not destroy if set in the right way. More importantly, it allows you to define who you want in your life. More on healthy boundaries HERE.

People like me are always trying to make others see the value of setting healthy boundaries in the spirit of emotional honesty. That is expressing what you feel honestly and assertively when there is a feeling that a boundary needs to be set. In my opinion, if this is done consistently and without the fear of judgment, it can lead to a much deeper sense of intimacy in any relationship.

For a variety of reasons, it is very often very difficult for some people to even think about the value of boundaries. Some have never been exposed to healthy boundaries and have no idea when and how to set them. Some know how but are afraid for fear of “rocking the boat” or the reaction that might come from the other side. Some feel they do not deserve to say anything and live in resentment. Some hold back from saying what they think as a way of controlling the response of the other person. So you can maybe already work out that setting boundaries is not as easy as the theory suggests and people struggle badly with it. My advice is don’t be afraid of boundaries… they are extremely healthy and they can tell you a lot about the person you are setting boundaries around. One thing to keep in mind is that your responsibility is only to deliver the boundary in an assertive, honest way and without aggression. How the receiver takes it is not your issue. You are not responsible for the reaction from the other side.

One category not mentioned above are those who can and do set healthy boundaries but have them destroyed by someone who doesn’t accept the boundary or feels that people are not allowed to set them. They are knocked back with anger, insult or gaslighting. Some people then find it difficult to set a second boundary and allow this abuse to happen. This gives some the idea that the setting of boundaries is not worthwhile or useless or is too much trouble and takes too much energy. This is exactly what the other side might want and the resistance of healthy boundaries is abusive and controlling. If open discussion does not help and you have maybe tried getting outside help… what is to be done?

Should you ever stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect healthy boundaries and doesn’t allow them to be set? Definitely not. The healthy setting of boundaries is a major part of the 4 pillars of trust, honesty, respect and the mutual meeting of needs that go to making up a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. It deepens intimacy and brings security and stability to the relationship. Without boundaries and intimacy, we can only ever hope to  have a superficial relationship with another person. Boundaries define you as a person and how you want to be treated. We mostly all know how to set physical boundaries. We would never allow anyone to touch us inappropriately or to invade our physical comfort zone. The concept is exactly the same with our emotional boundaries. I always describe it as a house with a white picket fence. You have to decide who is allowed past that fence under what circumstances and who stays out outside. Those who break through need to be pushed outside. It is never too late to start this very healthy process.

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The Case of the Super Christian

1 Timothy 1:12–17 – “I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might dis­play his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.”

Do you find yourself struggling to measure up to the way you think a Christian is supposed to behave? How would you feel if a great Christian leader admitted to a similar struggle? Many of us probably find Paul’s self­-disclosure above a great relief because we struggle with a perfectionist ideal of how a mature Christian should behave. We idealize others we know or see in leadership and compare ourselves to them, feeling we do not embody the love, grace, patience and wisdom a “good” Christian should.

As a result we feel inferior, guilty and discouraged; our growth path becomes hampered by these obstacles. However, knowing that someone like Paul, who served God passionately and accomplished so much in his life, can say that he is “the worst of sinners,” gives us hope. It helps us to not focus on trying to be a “super Christian” and instead accept where we are today.

The goal of spiritual growth is not perfection but maturity. Our growth in Jesus will bear fruit in a transformed life and character (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). But we will still have issues and struggles. The Apostle Paul also said, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (see Philippians 3:12). We must press on and not let our imperfections get us down.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.