CASTIMONIA

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Boundaries

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Boundaries Build Bridges… Don’t Be Afraid To Set Them

Originally posted at: https://theonlinetherapist.blog/boundaries-build-bridges-dont-be-afraid-to-set-them/

In my opinion, any relationship that doesn’t have healthy boundaries is not living up to its full potential. Yet, many are either unwilling or unable to set them. Many clients I see can not even define what a healthy boundary might even look like or are afraid of the consequences of setting them. Why would this situation, which in effect, is one of the healthiest practices we can engage in, go so wrong so often? The simple answer is that you cannot practice what you have never been taught. Many who find the setting of boundaries difficult, come from backgrounds where there were none, they were too tight or too loose, meaning that an element of fear exists in using them. Boundaries define your personal physical and psychological space and teach others how you wish to be treated. They define you and your values and define you as an individual. They are an essential part of interacting with others and good boundaries build bridges in a sense of emotional honesty. They do not destroy if set in the right way. More importantly, it allows you to define who you want in your life. More on healthy boundaries HERE.

People like me are always trying to make others see the value of setting healthy boundaries in the spirit of emotional honesty. That is expressing what you feel honestly and assertively when there is a feeling that a boundary needs to be set. In my opinion, if this is done consistently and without the fear of judgment, it can lead to a much deeper sense of intimacy in any relationship.

For a variety of reasons, it is very often very difficult for some people to even think about the value of boundaries. Some have never been exposed to healthy boundaries and have no idea when and how to set them. Some know how but are afraid for fear of “rocking the boat” or the reaction that might come from the other side. Some feel they do not deserve to say anything and live in resentment. Some hold back from saying what they think as a way of controlling the response of the other person. So you can maybe already work out that setting boundaries is not as easy as the theory suggests and people struggle badly with it. My advice is don’t be afraid of boundaries… they are extremely healthy and they can tell you a lot about the person you are setting boundaries around. One thing to keep in mind is that your responsibility is only to deliver the boundary in an assertive, honest way and without aggression. How the receiver takes it is not your issue. You are not responsible for the reaction from the other side.

One category not mentioned above are those who can and do set healthy boundaries but have them destroyed by someone who doesn’t accept the boundary or feels that people are not allowed to set them. They are knocked back with anger, insult or gaslighting. Some people then find it difficult to set a second boundary and allow this abuse to happen. This gives some the idea that the setting of boundaries is not worthwhile or useless or is too much trouble and takes too much energy. This is exactly what the other side might want and the resistance of healthy boundaries is abusive and controlling. If open discussion does not help and you have maybe tried getting outside help… what is to be done?

Should you ever stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect healthy boundaries and doesn’t allow them to be set? Definitely not. The healthy setting of boundaries is a major part of the 4 pillars of trust, honesty, respect and the mutual meeting of needs that go to making up a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. It deepens intimacy and brings security and stability to the relationship. Without boundaries and intimacy, we can only ever hope to  have a superficial relationship with another person. Boundaries define you as a person and how you want to be treated. We mostly all know how to set physical boundaries. We would never allow anyone to touch us inappropriately or to invade our physical comfort zone. The concept is exactly the same with our emotional boundaries. I always describe it as a house with a white picket fence. You have to decide who is allowed past that fence under what circumstances and who stays out outside. Those who break through need to be pushed outside. It is never too late to start this very healthy process.

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The Case of the Super Christian

1 Timothy 1:12–17 – “I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might dis­play his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever.”

Do you find yourself struggling to measure up to the way you think a Christian is supposed to behave? How would you feel if a great Christian leader admitted to a similar struggle? Many of us probably find Paul’s self­-disclosure above a great relief because we struggle with a perfectionist ideal of how a mature Christian should behave. We idealize others we know or see in leadership and compare ourselves to them, feeling we do not embody the love, grace, patience and wisdom a “good” Christian should.

As a result we feel inferior, guilty and discouraged; our growth path becomes hampered by these obstacles. However, knowing that someone like Paul, who served God passionately and accomplished so much in his life, can say that he is “the worst of sinners,” gives us hope. It helps us to not focus on trying to be a “super Christian” and instead accept where we are today.

The goal of spiritual growth is not perfection but maturity. Our growth in Jesus will bear fruit in a transformed life and character (see Galatians 5:22 – 23). But we will still have issues and struggles. The Apostle Paul also said, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me” (see Philippians 3:12). We must press on and not let our imperfections get us down.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

The Boundaries devotions are drawn from the Boundaries book series, which has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world. The Boundaries series is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2015 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Learn more at BoundariesBooks.com.

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How to Forgive When It’s Hard to Forget

Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

“I know I’m supposed to forgive,” a woman to me (Dr. Cloud) at a recent seminar. “But, I just can’t open myself up to that kind of hurt anymore. I know I should forgive him and trust him, but if I let him back in, the same thing will happen, and I can’t go through that again.”

“Who said anything about ‘trusting’ him?” I asked. “I don’t think you should trust him either.”

“But you said I was supposed to forgive him, and if I do that, doesn’t that mean giving him another chance? Don’t I have to open up to him again?”

“No, you don’t,” I replied. “Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. In fact, that’s part of your problem. Every time he’s done this, he’s come back and apologized, and you have just accepted him right back into your life, and nothing has changed. You trusted him, nothing was different, and he did it again. I don’t think that’s wise.”

“Well,” she asked, “How can I forgive him without opening myself up to being hurt again?”

Good question. We hear this problem over and over again. People have been hurt, and they do one of two things. Either they confront the other person about something that has happened, the other person says he’s sorry, and they forgive, open themselves up again, and blindly trust. Or, in fear of opening themselves up again, they avoid the conversation altogether and hold onto the hurt, fearing that forgiveness will make them vulnerable once again.

How do you resolve this dilemma?

The simplest way to help you to organize your thoughts as you confront this problem is to remember three points:

1. Forgiveness has to do with the past. Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against her. It is letting it go. It only takes one to offer forgiveness. And just as God has offered forgiveness to everyone, we are expected to do the same (see Matthew 6:12&18:35).

2. Reconciliation has to do with the present. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile.

3. Trust has to do with the future. It deals with both what you will risk happening again and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again (see Matthew 3:8; Proverbs 4:23).

You could have a conversation that deals with two of these issues, or all three. In some good boundary conversations, you forgive the other person for the past, reconcile in the present, and then discuss what the limits of trust will be in the future. The main point is this: Keep the future clearly differentiated from the past.

As you discuss the future, you clearly delineate what your expectations are, what limits you will set, what the conditions will be, or what the consequences (good or bad) of various actions will be. As the proverb says, “A righteous man is cautious in friendship” (see Proverbs 12:26). Differentiating between forgiveness and trust does a number of things:

First, you prevent the other person from being able to say that not opening up again means you are “holding it against me.”

Second, you draw a clear line from the past to the possibility of a good future with a new beginning point of today, with a new plan and new expectations. If you have had flimsy boundaries in the past, you are sending a clear message that you are going to do things differently in the future.

Third, you give the relationship a new opportunity to go forward. You can make a new plan, with the other person potentially feeling cleansed and feeling as though the past will not be used to shame or hurt him. As a forgiven person, he can become an enthusiastic partner in the future of the relationship instead of a guilty convict trying to work his way out of relational purgatory. And you can feel free, not burdened by bitterness and punitive feelings, while at the same time being wise about the future.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Dating, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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How to Move from Stuckness to Success

Matthew 5:37 – “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”

All of us want to be successful in life. We want a career that is fulfilling and that creates a sustainable lifestyle. We want relationships and family connections that are warm and intimate. We want to give back in service to the world in some way. Yet so often, we find ourselves stuck, in getting from where we are, to where we want to be.

If you have found yourself stuck instead of successful in some area of life, it is likely that there is some sort of a problem in your being free to make the choices you need to make. That is, you may not be executing the right boundaries to help you move forward. When you set healthy boundaries in the right way, really good things can happen. Here are three tips to help you move from stuck to successful:

1. Determine what you want, vs. what others want from you.

This is a critical boundary to set. Often, we think of what others expect before we know what we really want in life. Yet the Bible tells us to make choices all the time, for example who we worship: “…choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve” (see Joshua 24:15). So get a piece of paper and write what you want to happen: a career goal, a relationship problem solved, a financial dream or a health goal. It does matter what people think, and we do impact others. Take those into consideration. But start with your own goal and desire and work from there.

2. Say no to the “good” and yes to the “right.”

Most of us don’t have major issues saying no to really toxic influences like drugs or crime. We aren’t supposed to do those things in the first place! But it is trickier to say yes to those things that aren’t inherently bad, but take time and energy from what you want. We can’t do everything, so we have to say no to good things to get to the right things. For example, you may need to decline your involvement on a committee because you can’t get to your own goals. Or you may need to tell a friend you can’t talk on the phone as frequently as you would like, because you don’t have the time. These aren’t fun decisions. But they free you up to work on that goal or relationship.

3. Have difficult conversations with people who are operating against you.

There are, unfortunately, people who can be controlling, negative, judgmental or hurtful with you. This is such a power drain, how can you move from stuckness to success when you have their influence deflating your passion? Good boundaries mean having a loving but direct talk with some key people, in which you say, in effect, “I care about you and us, but your behavior makes it difficult for me to be around you. I would like to see some changes in our relationship, otherwise I will need to make some distance, which I don’t want.”

Jesus taught us to let our yes be yes, and our no be no (see Matthew 5:37). Growth research, high performance research, and our own experience show that His words are true and that they work. Here’s to your own movement from stuckness to success!

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries for Leaders, by Dr. John Townsend.