shame

October 20, 2020 By K.LeVeq

What Is In a Name?

What is your name? Where does it come from? Is it a family name? Does it have special meaning? I have an interesting middle name. My middle name is LeVeq, pronounced (la vek). My grandmother liked unique names. My dad’s name was King. His older brother, my namesake, was LeVeq. He died at 4 years of age. Dad told me that was his first real experience of sorrow and grief, even though he doesn’t remember LeVeq. He mourned for the absence of a brother close to his age. I understand that as a middle child by five years older and younger.

As you can imagine, I received a lot of teasing about my middle name. I didn’t mind, actually. I was and am proud of that name and the meaning behind it. I knew how special that name was to my father. The fact that he gave that name to me has always been a source of pride, even when others didn’t see it that way.

I was in church recently listening to a sermon on Moses and the burning bush. What I didn’t remember was that Moses asked God what name he was to tell the Israelites of who gave him direction. Names were important then. Names were interspersed with meaning and gravity. They told the story of who you were and where you came from. God’s name was no different. He told Moses to tell them “I am who I am. Say this to the people of Israel. I AM has sent me to you.” (Exodus 3:14).

God was very specific when He directed Moses to tell the people who sent him. He sent a message to Moses and the Israelites. He reminded them that He is I AM. Not I WAS. Not I WILL BE. He is the great I AM. He is now, was before, and always will be. That is who we serve. We served the God who is with us and in relationship with us right now. Not who we hope to be good enough for in the future. Not who we were good enough to meet before we fell. He is our God now. He reminded Moses and the Israelites that He is the God for their “right now.” He was with them in their struggles, pain, and loneliness. He wasn’t a God they had to hope for. He is the God of right now. Today.

What name do you use for God? Is your relationship with Him happening right now or are you trying to aspire to reach him as the God of your future when you are good enough, clean enough, sober enough, free from sin enough? Just … stop!

I live my day to day with the God of right now. I start each day using step 3 and turning my life and will over to Him…today. Then I ask him to show me where I have been wrong and promptly admit it. I do a searching and fearless moral inventory to ask Him to show me where my flaws and defects are showing up. I ask Him to make me ready to give up my shortcomings and then remove them. I seek His guidance on where to make amends.

Living in recovery with Him is a daily pursuit. The God of right now, the great I AM, is the God of recovery, the God of one day at a time. He is the God who knows my past, loves me anyway, and walks me through each day. Is your name for God, I AM? I encourage to trust Him with your today…everyday.

December 24, 2018 By Castimonia

Ending Shame

by applyingmybeliefs

Shame, possibly the most powerful emotion created by God, is an interesting force in the life of every human. No one is exempt from the possibility that shame might have its ugly way with them at any time. For some shame comes as a wave that sweeps them over moving them from stability to insecurity. For others it creeps into their awareness like a mist enveloping their mind producing dark thoughts. For still more it assaults them like a dagger into the heart, piercing them and then shredding their life into fragments of negative feelings.

Shame speaks to us in powerful statements; when we feel shame we are likely to be hearing its voice say things like this:

You are a failure.
You are useless.
You are nothing.
You are invisible.
You are worthless.
You are bad.
You are evil.
You are no good.
You are not valuable.
You are not heard.
You are not loveable.
You are not redeemable.
You are not important.

How did this happen, why would God create such a monster?

It begins and ends with God. In the beginning the world was created in perfect order and wholeness, and God says as the last statement of the creation story:

Gen 2:25 – And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

The pinnacle of God’s creation, mankind, was physically and psychologically naked, with shame specifically identified as not being present.

Then mankind rebelled and gained the knowledge of good and evil. One of the biggest evils was that they gained the knowledge of shame; they became capable of feeling it for the first time. See what the first man and woman did when this happened to them:

Gen 3:7-8 – Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden

They went from a state of wholeness, complete and secure in who they were, to nakedness, being exposed and open to evil, insecure and being uncertain of whom they were. So they hid! And that is what shame does to us; it makes us want to hide, particularly from God. And can we blame ourselves for that? After all, who wants to hear that little internal voice telling us that we are a failure, that we are worthless or that we are not redeemable? Who wants to be seen by all of those people around us in the same way, be judged not worthy of being known and then rejected?

Let’s ask again, why would God create such a monster?

That is truly the question to ask, and the answer is found in the word of God. And it has a beautiful simplicity. Consider this verse:

Ps 31:1 – In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me!

This verse is one of several in the scriptures, notably the Psalms, which share the uncomplicated truth that shame can only ever be removed from a person’s life by God himself. Where shame debilitates and demeans, God lifts us up, strengthens us and wipes the shame away.

Why did God create the monster of shame? To reveal our need for God.

What do we need God for? For everything of course, but in this context, we need God to tell us who we are, to give us our identity. Shame tells us we are nothing; God tells us we are chosen and precious.

And for those that are interested in knowing more, here is a clue as to how we can get the healing power of God working in our lives to remove any shame we feel:

Heb 12:1-2 – Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Jesus took our shame to the cross with Him. All we have to do is to go to that cross and hand it over. Yes it is that simple! But some of us don’t want to do that do we?

Some of us have lived with the emotional enemy of our soul, shame, and called it our friend. We have comfort with shame being present in our lives, because it is all we have known; it tells us who we are, and that provides us with a false sense of certainty. But we don’t have to live that way.

This short essay is titled “ending shame”, and it something all people can do. God invites all those that want to get rid of shame, the emotion that tells us we are failures, unworthy of love and fundamentally evil, to come to Him. Ending shame is about taking it to Jesus, giving it to Him and letting Him despise it for you. It is part of the power of the cross.

Trust Him.

September 5, 2018 By K.LeVeq

Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast #18 This Counseling Stuff Works?

Bonus Episode 18 – This Counseling Stuff Works

My recovery has many components. Meetings, accountability, working the steps, reaching out to others, and …counseling?

August 10, 2018 By Castimonia

Responding to Relapse: Dealing With the Shame

originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-dealing-shame/

August 24, 2016 by Dr. Jeff Forrey

im was introduced earlier this week in Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions. His wife of eight years, Rachael, had been shocked to discover he’d been regularly viewing Internet porn for about two months. In all their years together, he had seemed like an upright Christian man with strong morals. After Jim had started meeting with their pastor, Paul, he’d stopped viewing Internet porn. So, Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and dismayed all over again when they learned Jim had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase pornographic material in print, instead!

Suppose, however, that Jim reports incredible shame over his behavior at this point. Suppose Jim’s experience epitomizes the definition of shame suggested by Ed Welch: Shame is “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did … You feel exposed and humiliated.”¹ What kind of hope is there for someone like Jim?

Shame can facilitate or frustrate sinners’ progress

Although relapses into sinful behavior can provoke a sense of shame in people, depending on the mind-set of a person, the impact of the shame can be very different. Notice from the definition above that shame results from a global self-evaluation by a person. Shame is not a limited assessment of specific behaviors; it is a holistic assessment about one’s overall personhood. The totality of its scope makes it difficult to bear—and to change. However, central to dealing with shame is identifying the standard that was used as the basis for evaluation.

Shame might facilitate spiritual growth

Although shame is not pleasant to experience, it can be a prod for spiritual growth. In the Bible, shame can be a sign of a properly functioning conscience. If the conscience is not functioning properly, people can ignore and violate God’s law with little or no remorse. In these cases, feelings of guilt and shame are dulled or diminished. Jeremiah describes this condition with graphic clarity:

¹⁰prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.

¹¹They dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious.

“Peace, peace,” they say, when there is no peace.

¹²Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush. (Jer. 8:10b–12a, emphasis added)

In Jeremiah’s situation, what made the priests’ and prophets’ conduct detestable was its deviation from God’s will. They had convinced themselves that their false message of peace was true and acceptable! The priests’ and prophets’ retrained consciences did not register the shame they should have experienced that could have curtailed their false teaching.

Jim’s conscience is registering his sin, and so it would appear that his shame is appropriate. Pastor Paul could capitalize on this and guide Jim further in his spiritual development to move beyond this sin. (See my article Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions for suggestions on how this could be done.)

Shame might frustrate sinners’ growth

There is another possible direction Jim’s shame might go, however. Suppose Jim returns to his pastor’s office two months after their counseling had helped him regain sexual purity and their conversation runs like this:

“Hi Jim! It’s good to see you. What can I do for you today?”

“Paul, I’m struggling again.”

“Jim, have you gotten back into porn?”

“No, not really. I mean, I do sometimes remember those images, but I haven’t gone looking for new ones. But, I just can’t believe how much I’ve hurt Rachael.”

“Has she brought this up in a recent conversation?”

“No, she hasn’t. But what kind of man must I be to have done this to her? I wasn’t raised to think any of this is acceptable. Five—ten—years ago, I never imagined I’d do this sort of thing.”

In this scenario, Jim feels defiled or stained by his past sin all over again. If left unchecked, this shame will frustrate his spiritual growth. Assuming Pastor Paul had walked him through what the Bible teaches regarding God’s readiness to forgive our sins because of Jesus’ death on the cross, what else can be said to help Jim? Here is a tactic Jim’s pastor might use with him.

Defiling shame is cleansed by the blood of Jesus

Pastor Paul might help Jim see there is a subtle pride at work. Jim always had considered himself above this type of sin. Now that he knows he is not, his image of himself is shattered. This has produced a nagging sense of uncertainty for him. But Jim must learn to rest in Christ’s sufficient sacrifice for his cleansing.² No one can ask for anything more, because God says nothing more is needed. “For by one sacrifice he [Jesus] has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Heb. 10:14; see also Heb. 9:14).

A good illustration of this sufficient cleansing power is found in the Apostle Paul’s experience. Like Jim, Paul—as Saul, the Pharisee—thought of himself in positive terms, which he rehearses in Philippians 3:5–6: “Circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” He expands on his zeal for persecuting the church in Galatians 1:13: “I persecuted the church of God [whom he thought he was serving!] and tried to destroy it.” Then, his encounter with the risen Christ forced him to see how wrong and self-deceived he was.

Later in his life he recounted again what he had been like as a non-Christian, yet in even more unflattering terms: “I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man” (1 Tim. 1:13). Recognizing this, Paul was overwhelmed with how God blessed him through Jesus (see v. 14). Here is the bottom line for Jim: “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.³ But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (vv. 15–16 ESV, emphasis added).

Jim can be reminded that if the Apostle Paul could be cleansed and be used by God as he was, then Jim has no reason to view himself any differently. In fact, Jim should find himself echoing the exuberant praise of the Apostle: “Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen” (v. 17). His Lord deserves nothing less, because Jim deserved nothing more.⁴

Dr. Jeff Forrey

Senior Writer/Content Developer

An expert in the field of biblical counseling and education, Jeff contributes regularly to CareLeader. With his knowledge of theology and his skill as a writer, he brings valuable contributions to the Church Initiative editorial team.

Jeff has been a counselor and trainer for the Center for Biblical Counseling & Education (St. Louis, MO) and Biblical Counseling Center (Arlington Heights, IL). He has taught biblical counseling for Evangelical Theological College, Trinity College of the Bible & Theological Seminary, Westminster Theological Seminary, and Reformed Theological Seminary.

Jeff is a graduate of Delaware Valley College (BA, biology), Westminster Theological Seminary (MAR, counseling/theology), the University of Alabama (MSPH, health behavior), and Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (PhD, educational studies).

Footnotes:

Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012), Kindle edition, chap.
Our redemption can be described by different terms because of its varied effects on us. If Pastor Paul emphasized the element of “forgiveness” (a legal term) in the past, then Jim might benefit from thinking about another element, “cleansing,” which is especially pertinent for dealing with shame, which is readily described as “feeling dirty or defiled.”
Foremost, or the KJV’s chief of sinners, most effectively conveys the idea that Paul saw himself as especially deserving of God’s wrath, not because his sins were any worse than others, but because he led the charge in trying to undo what God was doing through Christ. He was the “foremost” because he was “at the front of the line,” so to speak.
Pastor Paul also could point Jim to the woman at the well in John 4. Or he might point Jim to the one time prostitute, Rahab, mentioned in the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1. These women’s experiences should reinforce for Jim: “Where sin increased”—even sexual sin, even Jim’s sexual sin—“God’s grace increased all the more” (Rom. 5:20).

August 6, 2018 By Castimonia

Responding to Relapse: A Pastor’s Questions

Originally posted at: http://www.careleader.org/responding-relapse-pastors-questions/

August 24, 2016 by Dr. Jeff Forrey

im had been married to Rachael for eight years when she caught him viewing Internet porn, which he told her had been happening several times a week during the previous two months. Rachael was appalled and in shock! For the ten years she had known him, he’d seemed like an outstanding, moral Christian man. Jim agreed to seek counseling with their pastor. Jim and Pastor Paul agreed to the following:

Jim would be asked a series of accountability questions every week.
Jim would move the computer to a more public place in the home.
Rachael would put a program on their computer to block access to inappropriate sites.
Jim would start a program of Scripture memorization regarding purity.

Though Jim stopped viewing Internet porn, Rachael subsequently discovered that he had gone to an adult bookstore to purchase a pornographic magazine. Both Rachael and Pastor Paul were surprised and frustrated with Jim.

Pastor Paul approached me with these questions, “What did I do wrong? Do I have any business trying to help someone with this type of problem?”

“Paul, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Each of the strategies you used with Jim was fine. Asking accountability questions confronts Jim’s double life. Sin thrives in an atmosphere of deceit and secrecy. Placing the computer in the living room makes it harder for him to sin with it. That is consistent with Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5:29–30 (ESV): ‘If your right eye [or] your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away,’ rather than go to hell. In other words, it’s good to make it difficult for Jim to sin again.”

“But it didn’t work! Do you think the Bible is appropriate for this type of problem?”

The Bible is sufficient for discipleship

“Yes, I do think it’s appropriate. Let me clarify: The Bible is sufficient to give us what we need to know in order to honor God in all areas of our lives. Peter tells us that everything we need for a godly life is available through our knowledge of the One who called us so that we might become more like Him (2 Pet. 1:3–4). As Jim’s pastor, the Bible is your tool to accomplish what God wants you to accomplish with him (Ps. 119; 2 Tim. 3:16–17). Although cultures and technologies change over time, the human heart has not changed since the fall. Jesus, Paul, and Peter did not have computers, but they had to deal with the same motives and desires of the human heart that drive the search for computer porn today. Lust now is what it was then.”

“But what I did—which I think is ‘biblical’—didn’t work. What more could I have done?”

“I think what you set up with Jim was fine as far as it went. We just need to make sure your strategies reflect the depth of the Bible’s portrayal of the human condition and God’s response to it in Christ.”

“Go ahead …”

The Bible is sufficient to expose our double-mindedness

“Two characteristics of the fallen human heart are ‘double-mindedness’ and ‘self-deception.’ James (1:8, 4:8) uses the concept of ‘double-mindedness’ to describe a professing Christian who tries to live according to two opposing value systems simultaneously. Trying to live by God’s standards and the world’s standards at the same time produces these effects: instability, inconsistency, hypocrisy, conflict, and ultimately, a friendship with the world that makes the person an enemy of God.

“For Jim, this means two things. First, being at odds with God blocks his access to the power and wisdom that God provides when we humbly ask Him (Rom. 6:5–11; Gal. 5:22–25; James 1:5–7). Second, double-mindedness means there will be an ongoing drain on his resolve to live a Christian life. The resulting emotional distress will set up Jim for impulsive, self-centered reactions, like retreating into the fantasy world of porn. Pornographic fantasizing can distract him from the distress temporarily, and that is very reinforcing. But in the long run, the consequences associated with the self-centered reactions will overshadow any perceived benefits, and his life will spiral downward in a tailspin. If that happens, then he likely will seek short-term relief, driven by a sense of desperation. ‘People are slaves to whatever has mastered them’ (2 Pet. 2:19).

The Bible is sufficient to expose our self-deceptions

“Double-mindedness is nurtured by the capacity we have for self-deception. We can layer untrue beliefs about the world upon untrue beliefs about ourselves in such a way that, without someone intervening, we don’t even realize the inconsistencies in our lives (Jer. 17:9; Gal. 6:1–3; James 1:22–25).

Self-deceptions seem to justify sinful behavior

“We deceive ourselves in a variety of ways, so I think you need to help Jim come to recognize how he manages to deceive himself. You need to ask him a question like, ‘What do you say to yourself leading up to your use of porn?’ In essence, you’re asking for his rationalizations that seem to ‘justify’—or even ‘warrant’—the use of porn. Then you need to help him replace that thinking with more biblical thinking.”

“I wonder what possible justifications he could have for this.”

“Jim might be telling himself that he is unworthy of his wife’s affection. If so, inquire about what evidence supports his conclusion. Or Jim might be telling himself that Rachael is not going to satisfy him the way he ‘needs.’ If so, you should help him understand the distinction between ‘need’ and ‘desire.’ He may have convinced himself he ‘needs’ something from her that is unnecessary or ungodly. Jim might be telling himself that ‘it’s better to use porn than to go out and have an affair with someone.’ If so, he should be reminded that lust ‘in the heart’ is no less offensive to God than acting on it with another person (Matt. 5:28)—even though the social consequences are less severe.

“Some of these ungodly beliefs could come out in your conversations about his temptations, but not necessarily. Jim could focus more on circumstances or other external considerations without going any deeper into the thoughts and desires of his heart. But that’s ultimately where the conversations need to go. It might take a while for him to come up with answers to these questions, and it will take time for his thinking to be constrained by the Bible. Be patient with him.

Self-deceptions can confuse our regrets

“A particularly important self-deception you need to be on the alert for is ‘worldly sorrow’ substituting for ‘godly sorrow’ in Jim’s life (see 2 Cor. 7:10–11). In both types, there is regret and an emotional burden (guilt and/or shame). In both types, there can be tears and apologies. Unfortunately, we can deceive ourselves into thinking that the experience of worldly sorrow is sufficient to prompt positive changes in our lives. In fact, worldly sorrow can motivate lifestyle changes, but there’s a fundamental problem with changes motivated by worldly sorrow: they don’t honor the Lord. If they don’t honor the Lord, they afford no protection against further sin; in fact, they actually prepare the person for further sin.

“Therefore, if Jim is showing signs of remorse, you should ask him, ‘What are the consequences of your behavior that you regret?’ If God’s honor is not a prominent part of his answer, you can assume he is experiencing worldly sorrow. In that case, help Jim grasp the depths of God’s holiness and grace, like Isaiah did from his vision in the temple (Isa. 6). Impress upon him the reality mentioned in Galatians 6:7–8: You should not allow yourself to be deceived. God will not be mocked. You will reap what you sow. Fortunately, you can reassure Jim by telling him God’s grace is always sufficient to insure a good harvest.”

“Great. I’ll give this a try. Thanks.”

Moving forward

The fallout from a relapse can touch many lives in many ways. In Jim’s case, his wife’s trust has been shattered. His pastor’s faith has been challenged. Jim, of course, has several significant challenges ahead of him. In this article I touch on the challenges of double-mindedness and self-deception. Another challenge for Jim will be dealing with shame–a sense that now he is fundamentally flawed. Shame will push him to reconsider the way he’s always thought of himself. In my article Responding to Relapse: Dealing with the Shame, I pick up Jim’s struggle with this potentially pernicious fallout of sin.