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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

shame

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The Shame Label of Impure Motives

originally posted: https://sexuallypuremen.beehiiv.com/p/shame-label-impure-motives

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

“Motive” is one of my favorite words. Webster’s dictionary describes motive as “a need or desire that causes a person to act .” You cannot follow a court case without someone trying to determine a motive. Determining the motive for committing a crime is essential in ensuring a conviction. But motives also play a critical part in our lives.

Each day, you make hundreds of decisions. If you think about your decision-making process, you will probably conclude that decision-making has become routine. Often, decisions are something we do not put much thought into. These are minor decisions such as “what to wear,” “what to watch on television,” “what route to take to work today,” and “what to eat” (unless, of course, you live in my house). We refer to these decisions as habits.

Other decisions are major and require us to take more time to discern. Decisions such as whether to take a new job, move to a new city, change churches, or whom to marry. In some cases, we struggle to make decisions out of fear. The thought of taking the wrong action can frighten us and paralyze us. It can become so strong we make no decision at all. This is called analysis paralysis. Yet, in other circumstances, we are so desperate for change that we make snap decisions that we later come to regret. 

That is why we must lean on the word “motive” when it comes to decision-making. Depending upon our motive, the course of action we select can range from ‘proving to disapprove,’ ‘smart to stupid,’ or ‘caring to insensitive.’

In our haste when deciding, we tend to lean more toward reacting based on worldly values rather than Spiritual values. This often leads to poor behavior and feelings of regret and guilt in knowing that we could have handled the situation much better.

Well-known pastor and author A.W. Tozer, in his book, The Pursuit of God, said, “It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let a man sanctify the Lord God in his heart, and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ”.

 In our decision-making process, we use two motives driven by our sinful nature to justify most of our actions.

  •       It will allow me to indulge in self-gratification
  •       It will allow me to impress others with my self-worth

Today, we live in a society that demands instant gratification. We can find truth in this all around us. Take texting, for example. Before cell phones, there was no expectation that communication with others would be instantaneous. Years ago, someone would call, and if you were not available, they would leave a message and expect you to get back to them when you were available. Today, the expectation is that you will respond immediately if you receive a text message. And if you don’t, you may end up with a series of text messages such as:

Where are you?

I just sent you a text.

Did you not get it?

Are you ok?

Are you mad at me?

Hello?!!!!

I hate you!!!!

Actions taken with the purpose of self-gratification involve impure motives. They are actions centered on us and designed for one purpose – to have it our way. This type of behavior occurs when we become disconnected from our hearts. This tends to put all the emphasis on us and none of it on others. We become inwardly focused as opposed to being outwardly focused. This approach flies in the face of God’s teaching and desire for our lives.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Phil. 2:3-4)

Our sinful nature of self-gratification leads us down a path where we find ourselves indulging more in the world’s pleasures than in the wonders that can strengthen our relationship with God and others. When we take that path, we are turning away from God because the focus is on what we want. It is very difficult to overindulge in selfish pleasures and simultaneously feel we are close to God. In fact, I would say it is impossible.

I recently saw this comment on a discussion board encouraging people to try and impress others. “Live loud and proud. Being unashamed of who you are and letting your passions in life shine through is very impressive to people, even when they don’t realize it. Everyone wants to live like they don’t care what others think, so they are impressed when they see someone doing that.”

Really? I thought we referred to these types of individuals as “obnoxious.”

 An excerpt from the book Removing Your Shame Label, which is available on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Removing-Your-Shame-Label-Learning

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Destroying Porn Addiction Starts with Destroying Shame

Originally posted: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/09/19/destroying-porn-addiction-shame/

Is destroying porn addiction possible? For many men and women, this habit runs so deep, our personal vows to stop seem worthless to us anymore.

The Bible sees a vital link between sexual sin and social shame. The apostle Paul said those whose lives are marked by sexual immorality and impurity commit these acts “in secret” (Ephesians 5:3,12). Paul likens this way of life as hiding in “darkness” (v.8, 11). Sexual sin seeks out dark corners to hide so its deeds are not exposed to God or to others (John 3:20).

The problem is not the sense of shame itself. Shame is the natural reaction when creatures created in the image of God and sin collide: something in our conscience recognizes we are failing in the eyes of the our friends, family, the world, God—or even ourselves. Shame is meant to wake us up to the relational breaches caused by sin and push us toward restoration.

But that is not often what happens. Shame gets mixed with the false belief that we are too broken or too wicked for God to accept or change us—much less other people. So we hide.

John Lynch of TrueFaced talks about this in this video…

Choosing Not to Hide

Destroying porn addiction starts when we choose to confront the shame we feel around it. We must choose to come out of hiding, confess our struggle with others, and build safeguards that prevent us from hiding ever again.

Porn thrives in the haven of anonymity; it is killed in the light of accountability.

Porn flourishes in the dark of secrecy; it is destroyed in the sunlight.

Step #1: Safeguard Your Devices from Secrecy

Technology has not only become the easiest access point for pornography, it is also the easiest place to hide. Thanks to WiFi, 4G networks, laptops, and smartphones, you can view porn nearly anywhere at any time, and the risk of being seen has never been lower.

Step #2: Safeguard Your Heart from Toxic Shame

As we said already, shame is a normal response to sin. In fact, in the Bible, being shameless is a sign that something is seriously wrong—sinning is broad daylight is an indication of great hardheartedness. But shame becomes toxic when it is reinforced by the idea that we and our relationships are irreparable and irredeemable.

We can fight this belief by creating for ourselves a circles of friends where we fight this false belief together. These friends are not only ideal people to receive your Internet Accountability Reports, but people who will also hold you accountable to your tendency to hide in shame.

Here are some questions you can ask one another:

  • In an effort to protect your image, have you been tempted to minimize, explain away, or hide the true face of your sin to me?
  • Are you resting completely in what Christ has done for you—not obsessing about your failures or putting stock in your own performance?
  • Are you resting in your identity as God’s beloved child, or do you feel more like a spiritual orphan that has to perform for God to love you?

Even more than accountability for our behavior, we must be accountable for our false beliefs that drive us into hiding. We must remind one another there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), that Christ has paid for our sins through His death (Hebrews 10:13).

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What Is In a Name?

By Keith B., NotUnknown.com

What is your name? Where does it come from? Is it a family name? Does it have special meaning? I have an interesting middle name. My middle name is LeVeq, pronounced (la vek). My grandmother liked unique names. My dad’s name was King. His older brother, my namesake, was LeVeq. He died at 4 years of age. Dad told me that was his first real experience of sorrow and grief, even though he doesn’t remember LeVeq. He mourned for the absence of a brother close to his age. I understand that as a middle child by five years older and younger.

As you can imagine, I received a lot of teasing about my middle name. I didn’t mind, actually. I was and am proud of that name and the meaning behind it. I knew how special that name was to my father. The fact that he gave that name to me has always been a source of pride, even when others didn’t see it that way. 

I was in church recently listening to a sermon on Moses and the burning bush. What I didn’t remember was that Moses asked God what name he was to tell the Israelites of who gave him direction. Names were important then. Names were interspersed with meaning and gravity. They told the story of who you were and where you came from. God’s name was no different. He told Moses to tell them “I am who I am. Say this to the people of Israel. I AM has sent me to you.” (Exodus 3:14). 

God was very specific when He directed Moses to tell the people who sent him. He sent a message to Moses and the Israelites. He reminded them that He is I AM. Not I WAS. Not I WILL BE. He is the great I AM. He is now, was before, and always will be. That is who we serve. We served the God who is with us and in relationship with us right now. Not who we hope to be good enough for in the future. Not who we were good enough to meet before we fell. He is our God now. He reminded Moses and the Israelites that He is the God for their “right now.” He was with them in their struggles, pain, and loneliness. He wasn’t a God they had to hope for. He is the God of right now. Today.

What name do you use for God? Is your relationship with Him happening right now or are you trying to aspire to reach him as the God of your future when you are good enough, clean enough, sober enough, free from sin enough? Just … stop!

I live my day to day with the God of right now. I start each day using step 3 and turning my life and will over to Him…today. Then I ask him to show me where I have been wrong and promptly admit it. I do a searching and fearless moral inventory to ask Him to show me where my flaws and defects are showing up. I ask Him to make me ready to give up my shortcomings and then remove them. I seek His guidance on where to make amends. 

Living in recovery with Him is a daily pursuit. The God of right now, the great I AM, is the God of recovery, the God of one day at a time. He is the God who knows my past, loves me anyway, and walks me through each day. Is your name for God, I AM? I encourage to trust Him with your today…everyday.

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Ending Shame

Ending Shame

by applyingmybeliefs

 

Shame, possibly the most powerful emotion created by God, is an interesting force in the life of every human.  No one is exempt from the possibility that shame might have its ugly way with them at any time.  For some shame comes as a wave that sweeps them over moving them from stability to insecurity.  For others it creeps into their awareness like a mist enveloping their mind producing dark thoughts.  For still more it assaults them like a dagger into the heart, piercing them and then shredding their life into fragments of negative feelings.

Shame speaks to us in powerful statements; when we feel shame we are likely to be hearing its voice say things like this:

  • You are a failure.
  • You are useless.
  • You are nothing.
  • You are invisible.
  • You are worthless.
  • You are bad.
  • You are evil.
  • You are no good.
  • You are not valuable.
  • You are not heard.
  • You are not loveable.
  • You are not redeemable.
  • You are not important.

How did this happen, why would God create such a monster?

It begins and ends with God.  In the beginning the world was created in perfect order and wholeness, and God says as the last statement of the creation story:

Gen 2:25 – And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

The pinnacle of God’s creation, mankind, was physically and psychologically naked, with shame specifically identified as not being present.

Then mankind rebelled and gained the knowledge of good and evil.  One of the biggest evils was that they gained the knowledge of shame; they became capable of feeling it for the first time.  See what the first man and woman did when this happened to them:

Gen 3:7-8 – Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.  And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden

They went from a state of wholeness, complete and secure in who they were, to nakedness, being exposed and open to evil, insecure and being uncertain of whom they were.  So they hid!  And that is what shame does to us; it makes us want to hide, particularly from God.  And can we blame ourselves for that?  After all, who wants to hear that little internal voice telling us that we are a failure, that we are worthless or that we are not redeemable?  Who wants to be seen by all of those people around us in the same way, be judged not worthy of being known and then rejected?

Let’s ask again, why would God create such a monster?

That is truly the question to ask, and the answer is found in the word of God.  And it has a beautiful simplicity.  Consider this verse:

Ps 31:1 – In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me!

This verse is one of several in the scriptures, notably the Psalms, which share the uncomplicated truth that shame can only ever be removed from a person’s life by God himself.  Where shame debilitates and demeans, God lifts us up, strengthens us and wipes the shame away.

Why did God create the monster of shame?  To reveal our need for God.

What do we need God for?  For everything of course, but in this context, we need God to tell us who we are, to give us our identity.  Shame tells us we are nothing; God tells us we are chosen and precious.

And for those that are interested in knowing more, here is a clue as to how we can get the healing power of God working in our lives to remove any shame we feel:

Heb 12:1-2 – Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Jesus took our shame to the cross with Him.  All we have to do is to go to that cross and hand it over.  Yes it is that simple!  But some of us don’t want to do that do we?

Some of us have lived with the emotional enemy of our soul, shame, and called it our friend.  We have comfort with shame being present in our lives, because it is all we have known; it tells us who we are, and that provides us with a false sense of certainty.  But we don’t have to live that way.

This short essay is titled “ending shame”, and it something all people can do.  God invites all those that want to get rid of shame, the emotion that tells us we are failures, unworthy of love and fundamentally evil, to come to Him.  Ending shame is about taking it to Jesus, giving it to Him and letting Him despise it for you.  It is part of the power of the cross.

Trust Him.

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast #18 This Counseling Stuff Works?

Bonus Episode 18 – This Counseling Stuff Works

My recovery has many components. Meetings, accountability, working the steps, reaching out to others, and …counseling?