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The “But” Sandwich

Originally posted at: https://scottwoodtherapy.wordpress.com/2016/09/06/the-but-sandwich/

by scottwoodtherapy

You have been served a but sandwich whether you recognized it as such or not.  Whether it is in close relationships or at work, but sandwiches are frequently on the menu, and they seem to get served though no one ever orders them.

Let me define this for you.  A but sandwich is a complaint or criticism in the guise of a compliment or expression of appreciation.  It often sounds like this, “Thanks for doing x, but…”  On the one side you have an apparent expression of appreciation.  On the other is the complaint or criticism.  Sandwiched in the middle is “but.”

“Isn’t this a good way to give feedback?” I hear you ask.  “You say something positive and then you point out the problem.”  Think about the experience of getting served a but sandwich and you can probably answer your own question.  When someone served you a but sandwich, did you feel affirmed?  Did you feel that you just got a stroke or did you feel criticized?  Chances are that your experience was one of being criticized and not affirmed.  The but sandwich tends to have the effect of negating the positive part of the statement.

The research on couple’s relationships[1] indicates that for relationship health, five positives are needed for every negative[2].  That is just to break even on relationship health.  A but sandwich is, at best, 1:1 and at worst comes off as “I didn’t really mean the first part.”

In close relationships, this effect can become more pronounced when the relationship is in “negative sentiment override.”  This is the point at which enough negativity has built up in the relationship such that the default perspective through which we interpret all interactions is negative.  In negative sentiment override, every remark begins to sound like criticism.  “It’s a beautiful day out” can land as “You lazy bum, why don’t you get off the couch and mow the lawn?”

In a marriage, you have to be able to complain.  It just goes with living with another human being that sometimes you need to be able to complain.  It is important to do this without criticism or contempt as these are particularly damaging to the relationship.  How to complain in healthy ways is a topic for another post.  This post is about the need to regularly express appreciation and do it well.  This is not optional.  For relationship health, you must affirm your partner.

It’s important to know how to express appreciation, and how not to.  No But Sandwiches.  Early on in therapy (usually during the first session), I will ask couples about their courtship, what it was about your partner that first attracted you, and what it was about your partner that caused you to say this is someone I could spend my life with.  If you have been in negative sentiment override for a long time, these can sometimes be difficult questions.  In distressed couples, it can become difficult to recall what it was you really loved and appreciated about your partner.  If you step out of the current distress and recall those early days, there are positive things you can appreciate about your partner.  When you give them voice, for your partner hearing appreciation can be like water to one who is dying of thirst.  If you have been hearing “you are a colossal disappointment” for a long time, hearing that your partner sees something good in you is hugely impactful.

A few years ago, The Love Dare was a popular self-help marriage book in Christian circles.  The premise was to provide a 40 day guide for how to make your partner feel loved unconditionally.  Day 1 is simply “Don’t Say Anything Negative Today.”  I had a client in a very distressed marriage try it out.  The next week she reported that by day 3 her husband was singing in the morning.  She had only gotten through applying the first two days from the love dare.  In our most intimate relationships, we thirst for some appreciation.  Getting it without the negative is transformational to the relationship and our sense of wellbeing.

Here’s my money saving tip.  You can save a lot of money on marital therapy (or alternatively divorce attorneys) if you get good at this.  When clients first come in for their second appointment, we start by debriefing on their progress during the week.  Often, one partner will notice the other partner making an effort to respond differently.  For illustration purposes, let’s say that the wife notices that the husband has been making an extra effort to engage with her in the evenings.  While I am highlighting the progress and exploring what this was like for the wife to have him more engaged, she’s in the mental kitchen preparing to serve up a but sandwich.  Behind the “but” is “It wasn’t enough” or “he just did it because you suggested it” or “why did you take 10 years to start paying attention to me?”  When the but sandwich gets served what does he hear?  It is not “I really see you trying, and it means so much to me to have you trying to connect with me.”  He hears, “You can’t win.  Whatever you do will never be enough.”

My grandmother used to say, “You can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar.”  I am not particularly interested in catching flies, but Grandma’s point is well taken.  The sweetness will be much more helpful than the sour.

One final point here, “you’re great” is not a helpful affirmation and is likely to be perceived as disingenuous, particularly if the relationship has been characterized by negativity.  A helpful affirmation is more specific to positive traits you appreciate about your partner and the evidence of those traits.  “I appreciate how hard you work for our family,” is a much more helpful affirmation.  “I really appreciate how you did x, because you know it is important to me,” works well too.

Here’s the message.  Let your compliments be your compliments and your complaints be your complaints.  For relationship health, the positives need to outnumber the negatives by a 5:1 ratio.

[1] You can find the data in a number of books by John and Julie Gottman.

[2] I have always thought this number was way low.  I want way more than 5 positives from my wife before I am ready to hear the negative, but maybe that is just me.

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Step 4 Resentments Topic: 4 Things Forgiveness Is Not (Part II)

Originally posted at: http://ignitedisciples.com/2016/08/29/4-things-forgiveness-is-not-part-ii/

by Jon Kragel

“…God’s grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver… From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can “just forgive” the perpetrator… But when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the dept. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then is costly.” Tim Keller

Forgiveness can be costly. But choosing not to forgive can and will be more harmful to your heart in the long run. Next week, we will take a look at a biblical definition and discussion of what true forgiveness looks like, but for today, I want to continue our clarification on what forgiveness is NOT…

Last week, I shared that forgiveness is NOT forgetting what happened. If forgetfulness is our goal, we will be sadly disappointed. Also, forgiveness is NOT absent of consequences. For a deeper look into these concepts, read here. Let’s look at two more ways to F.A.I.L. at forgiveness.

3. Forgiveness is NOT Ignoring the pain.

Trying to ignore the pain that comes with forgiving someone is like shaking up a can of soda and not expecting it to explode when you open it. The hurts, pains, suffering, and debts in our life often leave scars. I had ACL replacement surgery in my knee back in 2004. I still see the scar every time I bend down to tie my shoe. While Jesus rose from the dead to provide victory over sin, He still had scars in His hands and feet from wear the nails went it during the crucifixion. While some scars are physical, more common are the scars that are etched into our memories, emotions, and our minds. We can have relational scars, and sometimes spiritual scars.

Here’s the thing… scars might describe our past, but they do not determine our present, and they do not dictate our future. Psalm 23 does not say that we walk around the valley of the shadow of death, but rather we walk through valley of the shadow of death, because we have God with us. Stop trying to ignore the pain. Forgiveness is not ignoring the pain, but rather forgiveness is born from the center of our pain.

4. Forgiveness is NOT a License to keep on sinning.

John Piper once said, “Jesus did not come to simply cover sin, but to conquer sin.” Forgiveness is the first step to reconciliation, but reconciliation requires both parties to be involved. Your relationship with the person might not be reconciled immediately (two way), but you can choose to forgive that person now (one way). We should ultimately seek reconciliation and a restored relationship, but understand that forgiveness is just the first step. When you forgive someone, you’re not saying that it’s okay for that person to do the same thing again and again. An interesting contrast can be found in Galatians 6:2 and 6:5. In verse two, we’re called to bear one another’s burdens, but in verse five, everyone must carry their own load. Notice that each person is required to take responsibilities for their own actions (load), but Christians can support and help each other through various difficult problems and circumstances (burdens). Don’t enable a person to continue making poor choices, but rather encourage them to follow the ways of God.

Romans 6:1-2
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom’s sake that Christ died to set us free.

We’re not called as Christians to be victims. We’re called to be victorious. We’re not called to be cowards. We’re called to be courageous. Forgiveness is often not  about the consequences of the person’s actions against you. Instead, forgiveness is about God’s greater sacrifice already made for your sins and the sins of the person who hurt you. Free yourself through learning to forgive others, trusting that any power to forgive comes from the fact that Christ first forgave us. Next week, we’ll dive deeper into what it means to forgive, as I will offer practical steps and suggestions that can help you learn to forgive someone, but for today, remember that…

Forgiveness is NOT (F.A.I.L.)

  • Forgetting what happened.
  • Absent of consequences.
  • Ignoring the pain.
  • License to keep on sinning.

What thoughts, comments, and questions do you have on the topic of forgiveness? Please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me at jkragel@northridge.org, and I will try to address questions in next week’s post. Thanks for taking the time to read this article, and I hope that you found it helpful.

Make it a great day, and God bless!

Jon Kragel
High School Pastor
North Ridge Community Church

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Step 4 Resentments Topic: 4 Things Forgiveness Is NOT (Part I)

Originally posted at: http://ignitedisciples.com/2016/08/22/4-things-forgiveness-is-not-part-i/

by Jon Kragel

No one says when they were a child, I want to grow up to be a bitter, jaded, angry person, who spends his days hoping for revenge…but the reality is life is tough. We’re in a broken, sinful world, where we go through trials, tribulations, and difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, there are times when people hurt us. But thankfully, we have a God who has saved us from this world, and while we hurt Him… nailed Him to the cross even… He if faithful and just to forgive. And as I stand in the freedom and light found only His forgiveness, I can find it in my heart to forgive those who hurt me. In this three week blog series, I want to talk about the challenges we face when trying to forgive someone who has hurt us. Conflict is inevitable. Growth is optional. I believe if we learn these principles, discuss them with our kids, and apply them on a regular basis, we will be better in our relationships.

Forgive – to cancel a debt

We can forgive others because Christ first forgave us. He cancels our debt because our sins were paid on the cross. Canceling a debt does not mean the debt does not exist, but rather, you don’t expect the other person to pay it any longer. In week three of this blog series, I will talk more about a biblical definition and description of what it means to forgive. I will also offer four steps to forgiving someone. Now, in these first two weeks, however, I wanted to clarify what forgiveness is NOT. You see, one of my hangups over the years in forgiving people is my faulty understanding of forgiveness. I felt that if I forgave someone, I was saying what that person did was okay. That is simply not the case. Forgiveness is the first step to trust and reconciliation, but forgiveness is not the only step to reconciliation. They are not exclusively the same thing. If you want to truly forgive someone, then avoid that these four ideas. If you want to F.A.I.L. at forgiving someone, then try doing these four things.

1. Forgiveness is NOT Forgetting what happened.

You might have heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but while that saying may be commonplace, it’s not practical. In understanding Scripture, we have to match premise with reality. We have to match principle with practice. For example, Isaiah 43:25 does say that God “remembers our sins no more,” but God is also omnipotent and omniscient, meaning He’s all-powerful and all-knowing. If God forgets something, then He is not God. What does this verse mean then? God does not “forget” our sins, but rather, He does not act toward us in light of our past sins once they are forgiven. Face it… the reality is that you will not forget anytime soon if someone hurts you deeply. It’s okay. Acknowledge what the person did. Recognize how it hurt you. The key is to treat a person in light of God’s grace for them, and not light of your pain from them. Forgiveness is more about obedience we follow than an emotion we feel.

2. Forgiveness is NOT Absent of consequences.

Colin Powell once said, “You can’t make someone else’s choices. You shouldn’t let someone else make yours.” Choices have consequences, and even though you might forgive someone, that does not mean that consequences will not soon follow. When parenting children, you might forgive their actions, but disobedience still requires consequences. Consequences are a part of training up children and maturing them into fully functioning productive adults. Consequences are also found in the Bible. While God has forgiven many sins throughout the Bible, many “godly” characters still faced severe consequences because of their sin. Moses couldn’t enter the Promise Land because of sin. David’s kingdom was diminished, people lost their lives, and he lost ministry because of his sinful relationship with Bathsheba. Solomon, who was considered to be the wisest person to ever live, lost his kingdom and his house became divided because of repeated sexual sin. Consequences happen. Spiritual forgiveness, does not negate earthly consequences. Present day consequences can look like broken homes, broken relationships, custody battles, and filling for bankruptcy (to name a few examples). But know that in the midst of all these consequences, God still works, and forgiveness is still possible. God still shows His grace and mercy. How do I know that sin always has consequences?  I know because the greatest consequence of all history happened when Christ died on a cross as payment for OUR sins. God takes sin seriously, and we should, too.

What do you think? How is it helpful to know that forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting? How is it helpful to know that forgiveness does not negate consequences? How will you discuss these truths with your kids? I’m always open for more discussion on the topic, and I would love to hear your feedback. Stay tuned to next week’s post as we share two more things forgiveness is NOT.

God bless,

Jon Kragel
High School Pastor
North Ridge Community Church
jkragel@northridge.org

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Step 9: Pursue Peace With All People

Originally posted at: Pursue peace with all people

by Humble servant

14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; 16 lest therebe any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. 17 For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears.        Hebrews 12:14-17

We are called to pursue peace with all people.  We live in a world that is full of much diversity.  We have people from many different cultures and religious backgrounds.  Jesus said that broad is the road that leads to destruction and many will find it.  But narrow is the road that leads to life and few will find it.  The sad truth is that there are many more nonbelievers in the world than there are true believers in Jesus Christ.

But no matter what we are called to pursue peace with all people.  No matter if people persecute and stand against us we are still called to love them and pursue peace with them.  There is no greater testimony of the love and grace of God then when a true follower of Jesus Christ prays for those who stand against them.  All people are simply lost sheep without a shepherd and until people come to true faith in Jesus they won’t have their eyes opened to the truth.

We must understand what a person meditates and fixes their mind and heart on is what will drive the decisions and actions of their lives.  The life we live is simply a compilation of all the choices we have made in our lives.  When people injure us or offend us we must have the heart and mind of Christ.  We must examine what the Lord said upon the cross as people hurled insults at Him.  He simply said forgive them Father for they know not what they do.  No matter how badly a person has persecuted or injured us we must continue to pray for them.  Pray that their eyes and heart be open to the love, truth, and grace of who Jesus Christ is.  Once a person’s eyes are truly open to the truth their life will be changed for an eternity.

 

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I Walk the Line

Originally posted at: https://livingonquicksandblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/01/i-walk-the-line

I am walking a fine line between vigilance and the road to Crazy Town.

Discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful brings a whole lot of hurt down on your head.  Strangely, discovering that he has done this because he has an addiction helps in some ways.  You learn that it wasn’t about you.  You come to understand that powerful forces were driving the behavior. You realize that a long list of anonymous women is somehow less threatening than one “special” someone in whom he might have invested more emotional currency.

In other ways, though, the addiction makes the situation much worse.  For one thing, the probability that he will slip one or more times before achieving total recovery is very high.  And that is assuming that he is even serious about recovery. Rob has said that several of the men in his 12 step group have said they are there because their wives made them come and will divorce them if they don’t attend.  If I were their wives I would want them to be saying things like “I’m here because I want to heal”.  I think real recovery has to be about you and what you want.  But these men are in the group and who am I to question their motives.

For Rob’s part he is saying the right things and taking the right actions.  He has now “come out” to two sets of friends, and three family members.  He is attending his meetings regularly and has suggested a cell phone tracking app so that I know where he is (or at least where his cell phone is – because I am very aware that there is a difference). He is journaling on a semi-regular basis and is considering re-writing his 12 steps to make them more meaningful to him.  In short, he appears to be doing the work.

The problem with a sex addiction is that it is, by nature, a secretive and furtive disease. The only way to know if recovery is happening is to look for subtle clues and behaviour changes.  Addicts are master manipulators though, and in Rob’s case he has been fooling people for 40+ years.  How do I know all of these actions are not part of a snow-job to lull me back into a false sense of security?

And this brings me to the point of this post (ah, I bet you thought I would never get there). I don’t think I am any different from any spouse of a recovering sex addict in wondering how closely I should be watching him.

I have always felt privacy is important.  I think it is inherently wrong to go through anyone’s wallets, or text messages or open their mail, track their financial activity or secretly videotape their activities.  I have always believed a wife who does these things is a nutbar. Yet in recent weeks I have gone through Rob’s wallet, checked his text messages and checked the search history on his tablet. I check his location through our Life360 app compulsively through the day, then worry myself sick about why he went to a particular location for 6 minutes. I have even had a free consultation with a very nice young private investigator though I have never followed up with him. I have even caught myself lying in bed wondering where the best location would be to install a hidden camera to see what goes on while I am away. There is scarcely an hour that goes by where I don’t worry that something bad is going to happen unless I stay on top of things.  A friend I have met in a support group refers to this as monitoring. I’m just not sure how much monitoring is desirable to keep me aware and safe, and how much is crazy, compulsive behaviour.

I am fully aware that no amount of “monitoring” will keep Rob from “acting out” (I hate that phrase but I’m going with it any way).  In this age of computers and tablets and cell phones he will always find a way if he wants to re-offend.  I know that he can leave his cell phone at his office and go anywhere he wants and I won’t know.  Or he might have a different cell phone specifically for this sort of activity.  I can get e-mail passwords, but he may well have other accounts of which I am unaware.  There are whole technologies designed to help cheaters avoid getting caught.  I can’t watch it all. Only Rob can keep Rob from acting out.

At the same time I feel I need to have some sort of awareness of what he is doing.  Sad to say, but his word is worth almost nothing at this point.  I have heard too many proclamations of innocence over the years to believe what he says. The only evidence of change is what I can see and I can’t see if I don’t look.

I don’t want to be his mother and check up on him all the time. I don’t want to spend my precious golden years skulking around reading his text messages.  I don’t want to spend my retirement savings on a private detective.  I also don’t want to contract HIV or a venereal disease because I trusted too much or kept my head in the sand. I don’t want to be hurt by another round of betrayal. I am walking a fine line between vigilance and the road to Crazy Town.

And so I waver back and forth.  If I snoop I feel sick because I am becoming the kind of woman I abhor.  If I don’t snoop I feel like I am being a naive fool. If I snoop I am afraid I will find something and have to confront him about it.  If I don’t snoop I feel like I will be taken advantage of. Through it all I am in a state of constant hyper vigilance that is exhausting.

I know that recovery will have occurred when I can honestly say that I can be happy with or without his recovery.  Right now I am struggling with how to get there.