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Step 4

April 4, 2019 By K.LeVeq

Permission to come aboard

Keith B. – NotUnknown.com

OK, I have a confession to make. I like supernatural stories. Vampires, magic, science fiction, paranormal. Something about these fantasies intrigue me. I like the traditional ones like Dracula, Frankenstein, as well as the more contemporary like the Anne Rice ones and the newer ones like the Harry Potter books and the Dresden Files. I love a good fantastical story.

The mythology around all these stories varies. The written and unwritten rules of engagement with supernatural beings provides structure but also a lot of tension. Like how vampires can change shapes, have to avoid sunlight, and are repelled by crosses and holy water. What I find weird in these stories is that most of these beings can’t just enter a home, they have to be invited in. These all powerful and destructive beings can only enter your house if they have an invitation!

Growing up in a Southern Baptist home, accepting the free gift of Christ and salvation were impressed upon me at a young age. I remember clearly as a nine year old praying a prayer to ask for forgiveness of my sins and for Christ to have control of my life. And I thought that was it.

Throughout my adult life, I knew that I believed in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That I accepted the free gift of salvation. But somehow, my life never changed. I couldn’t understand why. As I began a life in recovery, working through the twelve steps, I came to step three, not really sure what else I had to do. I had given God control. Or so I thought.

My counselor explained it to me this way.
“What one thing happens when you pray to ask for His grace and forgiveness,” he asked?
“I am forgiven.”
“That’s right. You are forgiven. But you still have all of those character defects, fears, flaws. They don’t immediately just go away. You actually have work to do to identify them with God’s help. To turn over each and every one to Him.”

And that’s what helped me to prepare for step four. I had to turn my life AND will over to God to begin the searching and fearless moral inventory that step four requires. In order to address all those defects that define my brokenness, I had to give God permission to make me aware of each and every one of them. I can only address them in His timing and by giving Him permission.

Have you given God permission to enter? To identify those flaws, fears, and defects that define your own brokenness? Start with turning your life and will over to Him. Continue by daily allowing Him to identify each area and ask for His guidance in addressing them. In His timing, not yours.

Step four. Time to let Him in and clean house. One at a time. Get started!

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, castimonia, Jesus Christ, recovery, Step 4, step four, will

September 13, 2018 By Castimonia

Step 4 Resentments Topic: 4 Things Forgiveness Is NOT (Part I)

Originally posted at: http://ignitedisciples.com/2016/08/22/4-things-forgiveness-is-not-part-i/

by Jon Kragel

No one says when they were a child, I want to grow up to be a bitter, jaded, angry person, who spends his days hoping for revenge…but the reality is life is tough. We’re in a broken, sinful world, where we go through trials, tribulations, and difficult circumstances. Unfortunately, there are times when people hurt us. But thankfully, we have a God who has saved us from this world, and while we hurt Him… nailed Him to the cross even… He if faithful and just to forgive. And as I stand in the freedom and light found only His forgiveness, I can find it in my heart to forgive those who hurt me. In this three week blog series, I want to talk about the challenges we face when trying to forgive someone who has hurt us. Conflict is inevitable. Growth is optional. I believe if we learn these principles, discuss them with our kids, and apply them on a regular basis, we will be better in our relationships.

Forgive – to cancel a debt

We can forgive others because Christ first forgave us. He cancels our debt because our sins were paid on the cross. Canceling a debt does not mean the debt does not exist, but rather, you don’t expect the other person to pay it any longer. In week three of this blog series, I will talk more about a biblical definition and description of what it means to forgive. I will also offer four steps to forgiving someone. Now, in these first two weeks, however, I wanted to clarify what forgiveness is NOT. You see, one of my hangups over the years in forgiving people is my faulty understanding of forgiveness. I felt that if I forgave someone, I was saying what that person did was okay. That is simply not the case. Forgiveness is the first step to trust and reconciliation, but forgiveness is not the only step to reconciliation. They are not exclusively the same thing. If you want to truly forgive someone, then avoid that these four ideas. If you want to F.A.I.L. at forgiving someone, then try doing these four things.

1. Forgiveness is NOT Forgetting what happened.

You might have heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but while that saying may be commonplace, it’s not practical. In understanding Scripture, we have to match premise with reality. We have to match principle with practice. For example, Isaiah 43:25 does say that God “remembers our sins no more,” but God is also omnipotent and omniscient, meaning He’s all-powerful and all-knowing. If God forgets something, then He is not God. What does this verse mean then? God does not “forget” our sins, but rather, He does not act toward us in light of our past sins once they are forgiven. Face it… the reality is that you will not forget anytime soon if someone hurts you deeply. It’s okay. Acknowledge what the person did. Recognize how it hurt you. The key is to treat a person in light of God’s grace for them, and not light of your pain from them. Forgiveness is more about obedience we follow than an emotion we feel.

2. Forgiveness is NOT Absent of consequences.

Colin Powell once said, “You can’t make someone else’s choices. You shouldn’t let someone else make yours.” Choices have consequences, and even though you might forgive someone, that does not mean that consequences will not soon follow. When parenting children, you might forgive their actions, but disobedience still requires consequences. Consequences are a part of training up children and maturing them into fully functioning productive adults. Consequences are also found in the Bible. While God has forgiven many sins throughout the Bible, many “godly” characters still faced severe consequences because of their sin. Moses couldn’t enter the Promise Land because of sin. David’s kingdom was diminished, people lost their lives, and he lost ministry because of his sinful relationship with Bathsheba. Solomon, who was considered to be the wisest person to ever live, lost his kingdom and his house became divided because of repeated sexual sin. Consequences happen. Spiritual forgiveness, does not negate earthly consequences. Present day consequences can look like broken homes, broken relationships, custody battles, and filling for bankruptcy (to name a few examples). But know that in the midst of all these consequences, God still works, and forgiveness is still possible. God still shows His grace and mercy. How do I know that sin always has consequences?  I know because the greatest consequence of all history happened when Christ died on a cross as payment for OUR sins. God takes sin seriously, and we should, too.

What do you think? How is it helpful to know that forgiveness is not the same thing as forgetting? How is it helpful to know that forgiveness does not negate consequences? How will you discuss these truths with your kids? I’m always open for more discussion on the topic, and I would love to hear your feedback. Stay tuned to next week’s post as we share two more things forgiveness is NOT.

God bless,

Jon Kragel
High School Pastor
North Ridge Community Church
jkragel@northridge.org

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcohol, alcoholic, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, co-dependency, Emotions, escorts, father wound, forgive, forgiveness, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, Step 4, trauma

January 12, 2017 By Castimonia

Castimonia Purity Podcast Episode 36B: Working Step 4 – Resentments

https://castimonia.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/podcast36-part-b-step-4-working-on-resentments.mp3

Part B – Jorge and Doug discuss the next aspect of working Step 4 in sex addiction recovery.   If you haven’t listened to steps 1-3, it may be a good idea to listen to episode 31 (Step 3), episode 20 (step 2), and episodes 9/10 (step one).  Also part A of step four was released a few days before this episode.

In this podcast, they discuss how to work through resentments. Our childhood, development, and adulthood are full of resentments that we store and ignore.  Jorge and Doug explore the importance of bringing those resentments to light to deal with them.  Expectations that we have placed on others and disappointments have to be dealt with in recovery, so they discuss practical way to do so.

For more information, please email us at puritypodcast@castimonia.org.  We would love to hear from you, get more show ideas, or find other testimonies to record!

 

Filed Under: podcast, Podcasts, Purity Podcast, Sex Addiction Podcast, Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, alcoholic, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, co-dependency, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Resentments, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, Step 4, strippers, trauma

January 10, 2013 By Castimonia

Provisions and Protections – Psalm 91

Originally Posted on The Church at Carrollto
Provisions and Protections – Psalm 91.

Psalm 91 King James Version

1He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

2I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

3Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

4He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

5Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

6Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

7A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

8Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

9Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

10There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

11For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

12They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

13Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

14Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

15He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

16With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

Provisions

“Father……according to psalm 91 you have promised to provide for me:

  • Answered Prayer
  • Long Life
  • Honor and Promotion
  • Angelic Protection
  • Peace
  • Divine Health
  • Joy
  • Intimacy with God
  • Revelation Knowledge
  • Boldness
  • Trust and Security
  • Anointing and Authority
  • Healing for my body
  • My Emotions
  • My Relationships
  • Love and Acceptance
  • Godly Companionship’s
  • Wisdom
  • Discernment
  • Skill and Ability
  • Faith
  • Goodness
  • Kindness and Mercy
  • Rest and Safety
  • Deliverance and Restoration
  • Satisfaction
  • Refuge
  • Guidance and Insight
  • Excellence and Endurance
  • Right Priorities and Understanding
  • People Skills
  • Cleansing and Forgiveness
  • Divine Supply and Care

Protections

“Father……according to Psalm 91 you have promised to protect me from:

  • Unseen Dangers
  • Plaques and Sickness
  • Enemy Attack When I travel
  • While I sleep
  • On the Job
  • At Home
  • The Fear of People
  • Fear of Failure and Rejection
  • Fear of Darkness
  • Fear of Death
  • Fear of Poverty
  • Fear of War
  • Fear of Accidents
  • Fear of Falling
  • Fear of Criticism
  • Temptation
  • The “snares” of the devil including:
  • overeating
  • anorexia
  • bulimia
  • sexual addiction
  • alcoholism
  • drugs
  • cigarettes
  • pornography
  • Inferiority and Worthlessness
  • Destruction of my home
  • My Business
  • My Property
  • My Family
  • My Possessions
  • Burn out and Stress
  • Insecurity and Confusion
  • Depression
  • Guilt and Shame
  • Demonic Attack

“Father…..I accept these Provisions and Protections for me and my family. Thank you”

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, alcohol, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, anxiety, call girls, castimonia, Character Defects, christian, depression, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, guilt, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, meeting, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, resentment, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, shame, spouses, STD, Step 4, strippers, trafficking, trauma

June 26, 2012 By Castimonia

Living in a State of Denial

Denial

Denial is a very interesting thing.  How do we know we are in denial if we are in denial?  The definition of the word denial is written below.

Denial

de·ni·al [dih-nahy-uhl] noun

1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew he had taken the purse. The politician issued a denial of his opponent’s charges.
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.
5. refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor’s denial of his country; Peter’s denial of Christ.

These are great definitions of denial but don’t clearly fit my idea of denial when it comes to addiction so I choose to look at Wikipedia for their description:

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.

The above is a much better description of the type of denial to which I am referring.  When a person enters real recovery, they leave the state of denial that left them in their addiction.  However, for some who believe they are in recovery, they continue to deny or minimize the addiction to certain sexual behaviors allowing them to prolong or feed the addiction.  Until the sexual addict fully steps out of denial, practicing rigorous honesty, and accepts their compulsive sexual behavior as fact, they will not find help, freedom, or sobriety from their addictive behaviors.

Per Wikipedia:

The concept of denial is important in twelve-step programs, where the abandonment or reversal of denial forms the basis of the first, fourth, fifth, eighth and tenth steps. The ability to deny or minimize is an essential part of what enables an addict to continue his or her behavior despite evidence that—to an outsider—appears overwhelming. This is cited as one of the reasons that compulsion is seldom effective in treating addiction—the habit of denial remains.

To remain in denial is to remain in the addiction.  Making excuses or defending the use of pornography, for example, is a great case of denial for a sexual addict.  Until the addict realizes how addictive the chemical high produced by the brain during the viewing of pornography can really be, they will continue to slip and slide in their recovery (although deny that they have slipped or relapsed).  Quite a few have made excuses for the occasional use of pornography in their “recovery” or acceptance of such material as “allowed” in order to not feel shame or guilt because of viewing the material.  It is my opinion that this mentality, does not, and will not lead to sexual sobriety and instead will lead the addict back into compulsive sexual behaviors.  Another point of denial is the recovering sex addict that believes they can visit an adult oriented business, such as a strip club or adult book store, with “look but don’t touch” mentality.  This, again, is an example of making excuses and living in the addiction and in denial.  It is very important to be connected with a sponsor or someone else in recovery who can review our sexual behaviors especially if we use the “three circle” method used in Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA).

In using the three circles, we might feel that we are “ok” by living in middle circle activity when in fact we should not even be engaging in that type of activity!  A sponsor can carefully evaluate the activity and see if we are in denial about our acting out and whether the activity needs to be moved into inner circle behavior.  Remember, the middle circle is for our protection to keep us away from compulsive sexual behaviors.  However, no activity in the middle circle should be “acceptable” and engaging in behaviors in the middle circle should sound alarms that something is not right in our recovery or life!  A more thorough analysis of the three circles will be made in a future blog post.

One of my favorite explanations of denial is an acrostic/acronym I once heard in a recovery meeting.

DENIAL – Don’t E ven kNow I Am Lying

When we work our Steps 1 and 4, we can see where we consistently lied to ourselves about issues concerning our compulsive sexual behavior to the point that we didn’t even realize that we were lying!  Compulsive sexual behavior became so ingrained in our lives that we saw it as truth and excused our actions with “everybody does it,” regardless of how insane our behaviors became.  In working a Step 5, we receive help from our sponsor and the Holy Spirit in further stepping out of any denial that may remain in our addictive sexual behavior.  Our sponsor and conviction by the Spirit can help point out parts of our lives where we may still live in denial of certain character defects or activities.  Then, we can step out of denial and realize that we had been lying to ourselves the entire time; we can begin to live in the truth!

It isn’t until we step out of our denial of our addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors and all activities associated with the behavior that we can fully enter a manner of living honestly and fully enter recovery as a lifestyle.  When we fully enter recovery, we relocate; we not longer live in the great State of Denial!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: 3 Circles, addiction, affair, Affairs, alcohol, alcoholic, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, christian, Denial, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, Sponsor, spouses, STD, Step 4, Step 5, strippers, Three Circles, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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