Emotions

I grew up in a Christian home in the East part of Germany. But somehow I never felt the love & affection of my father, so my search for love & acceptance began in primary school, where I got molested by older boys.

I felt guilty & used, but it also made me feel important for the first time in life. Somebody finally took a real interest in me, so I’d thought.

It was about the same time that I got introduced to porn. I found these magazines hidden under some bathroom towels… I was wondering what they were doing there & why they were kept hidden… I never have seen women & men “behaving or doing stuff like that” before. But when I saw how these women were desired by men it left a longing in my heart… I thought I had found out about a secret. So it became my secret & my thoughts started to turn around these images.

I saw my first hardcore porn movie at a friends’ house while her single mom was absent. It shook my world, but led me even further into that already existing dependency on these “nude love-making images” & sex fantasies. It felt like there was a “hook in my flesh” that wasn’t going to leave me. I started to touch myself.

Comparing myself to the women I saw in the magazines or movies I felt unwanted, fat, ugly & stupid.

I even prayed to GOD to make me more attractive to be loved. Soon thoughts of suicide crept into my mind & I sought of ways to die. To escape the hurt inside I fled into my fantasy world of perversion & day dreams.

As I grew older I realized that I started to receive a lot of attention for my looks and body. So I got involved with a lot older men Nazis & Satanists & started to sing their songs & to worship their idols. I became a racist along the way & hated every weak & imperfect being around me. Though I couldn’t believe what was happening: They were betting on “Who will get her first” with money & I felt so desired. I was known for a hot ‘n’ hard shell to crack & I was proud to be a “naughty virgin”!

But my longing for approval wasn’t satisfied much longer by only playing men like I had seen in the porn movies. By then these women on screen had taught me well how to lure a man & how to tease him. So I’ve got the look, the moves & the dirty talk. I was confused because I hated men & wanted them so badly at the same time. What was wrong with me? But being exposed to porn & hurting inside, everything got twisted.

I called it the GAME to trick men & let them fall when they got “high on me”. Not all men were happy to be treated this way by me, so I got violated a few times.

One of my first boys recognized my talent for the sex industry & made me table dance with a tiny miniskirt without underwear for the first time. Oh how I loved the attention. I was so desperate for his approval.

I started to dress up like a sexbomb whenever I went out. I was seeking for attention & I wanted everyone to notice me.

I never had real girlfriends because they were competition for me & I even cheated on them with their boyfriends. I got entangeled with married men, had many affairs at the same time but never called anybody “my boyfriend”. I didn’t even know how to do a relationship with anybody. I felt so lonely on the inside, but on the outside I was a tough chick who had everything under control.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to make the rules & I didn’t want anybody to leave me, so I never got together with somebody. I lowered my desires for a real loving & caring relationship & exchanged it with abusive, superficial fake ones. That was my soul protection, I thought.

I’d seen that it was all about the sexual attraction & it gave me value & satisfaction, when I could get men to cheat on their women.

Finally when I couldn’t stand living with my parents anymore, to pretend to be a sweet girl in church which I had to attend & my teacher wanted to leave his family for a relationship with me, I needed to get “outta there” & moved to the US after I finished my A-levels.

As a smart girl, I covered my escape with the excuse to learn some english as an AuPair.

The first family threw me out right away, because the Lady accused me of hitting on her husband which was not true at all… But my body language must have been so obvious screaming for lust & affirmation out of every pore.

I moved to Long Island, but NYC is not the best place to turn an already messed-up young life around, when the devil is already out there about to destroy you.

I found myself enjoying a glamorous lifestyle, became very proud, arrogant & careless, which led me into a few very dangerous situations.

I got pampered for my looks with free beauty treatments & finally got the playboy-look with the blonde hair & the long nails. Even the girl I took vacation with in LA called me “The hooker on the sunset strip” coz the Ferrari stopped right in the middle of the street but I was too proud to hop into his car.

I wasn’t a prostitute, I thought.

My destiny was to become a smart “RichMenBunny” & a famous porn actress. That is what I had been told during all my time at school: That I was born for acting & for sinful things. The name “Sin-ful-Sin-dy” how I had been called – haunted me all along. It really had become my identity.

I wanted to pay back the men what they had done to me or for what they hadn’t done to me. I was full of hatred. I wanted that power over men & I knew I could only get it through sex & manipulation. So I started to get paid for the exchange of sexual favours. It was pathetic. I never wanted money – but gifts, quality time, words of approval & just some nice treatment. I was so empty & I wanted to feel special. Valued. Normal.

But my plan of taking off in the adult industry got stopped by the painful experiences of abuse along the way.

I knew my life was out of control somehow. I had deceived myself to believe that everything was alright. I didn’t know who I was or what I was supposed to do, so after a few month on a french island, I finally went back to Germany to study & to try to impress my father with some other skills of mine, after he wasn’t impressed by what a great looking girl I had become by then.

Bored of my life I started internet “hooking up” & called it dating.

My profiles became my own escort service to feed my own addiction to my sex-driven lifestyle. I had different identities and names. Sunny-Bunny was my favourite.

Since I was completely empty on the inside, I needed phone & cyber sex to survive emotionally. Yet the “entertainment industry” didn’t satisfy neither.

I got many offers for a web cam flat or “high profile escort” but it all became tasteless & shallow to me.

One night I was with a regular client when his wife called, asking him when he was about to come home… They had children & after I had just disgraced their family car, I felt sick on the inside, thinking of my future: Dreaming about a husband who would be faithful to me, while here I was sitting destroying family lives.

I longed for deep intimacy but found it nowhere. I was devastated.

I got totally obsessed with my body- & beauty-image and didn’t leave the house if I didn’t look perfect. I didn’t eat or ate too much. Alcohol and parties were again the cure for my depressions. I couldn’t sleep or had horrible nightmares (of demons raping me*) when I did. (*Every morning – better every afternoon I woke up – for I mostly lived during the night & slept during the day, it felt it had really happened to me – later I found out that I wasn’t crazy & that this is really happening to other people as well & is part of how the enemy tries to wear you out – these “dreams” are called succubus or incubus…)

In this state I couldn’t keep up with going to uni anymore. But after I got raped at the dorm rooms, which was so physically painful, that I couldn’t walk, sit or use the bathroom for days, I never went back there again. Instead I moved into a lesbian couples’ house to be protected from male violence.

When my “Saviour boyfriend” at the time & drug dealer turned out not to be “Mister Right” and I caught Genital Herpes, a non curable sexual transmitted disease, my feeling of being “on top of the world” tumbled.

From this moment on I just existed. I felt paralyzed & couldn’t leave my bed for weeks.There I sought through religions, the occult and by psychologist treatments for a solution out of my mess. I wanted to kill myself and had so many voices in my head to kill others too. I thought I would go crazy. I hated everything & everybody around me. There I also prayed to GOD again to rescue me.

Years ago I had picked up a Christian magazine while going to church with my parents (to keep up the family reputation), where I had read a story about an Ex-Porn Actress who had turned to Christ for her salvation.

I found Shelley Lubbens story on the internet & cried so much while reading her testimony. For the first time I thought somebody would understand me. So I wrote her an e-mail & then we talked over the phone. Shelley told me that I need GOD, JESUS and the Holy Spirit. But I didn’t know where to start, what to do… I just knew… I needed to stop this kind of life otherwise I would die inside out. Shelley counseled me over the internet which was very precious to me & gave me hope for a better future.

Through Shelley I got introduced to a lot of other amazing women who had left their past & old identities behind to live a devoted life in submission to Jesus Christ – the source of life on earth & for eternity.

I trusted those testimonies to be true & moved to Paris where I raised my hand to become a Christian in Hillsong Paris on the 3rd of November 2006. I wanted a brandnew life & for the first time I felt that it could be possible. Nobody judged me. Instead they introduced me to the redeeming love of Jesus Christ.

I got sponsored to attend Hillsong Women’s Conference in London, where GOD broke my heart over my past & what I had done to myself & others. I understood that I had to repent. But He also gave me a glimpse of my future and the promise that He would restore and heal me.

In London I found out about Mercy Ministries.

Back in Paris, I got baptised in the Holy Spirit, which made a massive difference in my relationship to GOD. For the first time I could sense His presence and it was very precious to me.

But even though something had changed on the inside, my past still haunted me & I couldn’t stop certain habits & behaviours.

I felt lost in my own war for freedom.

The voices in my head just wouldn’t shut up & I had no idea how to silence them.

GOD’s truth was hard for me to digest, because I had to realize that I had been lied to for 23 years by the enemy & it had destroyed my life, self worth & the ability to trust & to function in normal relationships.

I just couldn’t break with my old lifestyle in my own strength.

On the 1st of October 2008 I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries UK for 7 months of recovery & Christian life skill training.

So much has happened there. So many chains were broken. I was taught fantastic tools to use now in my everyday life. Christ’s unconditional love was poured out to me. I could fill pages about what has happened there…

Maybe one thing, that will indicate the war that was going on over my life: The devil had tried to mess with my identity all my life and had called me SIN, the first three letters of my name. “Sindy – made for sinful things,” the enemy had wispered on any occasion into my ear.

At Mercy I cried out to GOD: “Give me a new name – I don’t want to be called SIN anymore!”

And GOD answered gently to me: “You never have been, Sindy! SINDY contains two letters more: DY-DIE – SIN HAS TO DIE!!! – Sindy, you are called FREEDOM!”

I completely broke down after that revelation of GOD Himself. My sinful past had no power over me anymore. I was set free.

That was real love, I had never experienced before.

See that is the total opposite what the the devil wants for you through the experience of porn: He makes you think that you are in control, that you are lord over your life, but you are not! I had become a slave to pornography. Now it was me the client. I didn’t take a penny – I even felt that I had to pay them to make me happy, to satisfy the hunger inside. That is how sick it had become. It got so bad that wherever I turned I saw everybody naked. Every noise you hear, your brain turns into something perverted. Then I knew, I live in a cage! I was trapped.

But now GOD is still walking me through the hurts & consequences of the past & shows me how to live life different. He teaches me through His Word, other peoples testimonies (there is so much power in testifying what GOD has done for us & the devil doesn’t want us to encourage each other) and through lessons learnt myself with the assistance of the Holy Spirit.

I have worked over 1 and a half years in fulltime ministry (“Zukunft-für- DICH” which means there is a “future for you” in Jesus Christ) in Berlin, reaching out to lost girls – in the Red Light District, where I was also able to take girls in into our girls-accommodation to get them off drugs & alcohol & teach them how to live a normal life with Jesus.

I also got totally blessed by teaching the girls twice at the Mercy House in October 2010. And spending 3 days with them just made me cry & so thankful over what JESUS had done to me through that wonderful place & precious staff!

Today I get invited to speak at conferences & seminars on how JESUS has set me free & how to deal with the topics that I struggled with! I love to share the gospel!

Now I am about to move home to my precious sister who is trapped in the lies of the enemy as well. I have treated her very badly & have abused her with my words & actions while we were growing up together… Now it’s about time to show her the LOVE OF CHRIST & to spend time with my family. JESUS gave me the love for my family back! I am so thankful that I am welcomed home into my parents’ house after all that I did to them. GOD is good & faithful!

I am currently building up a Self Help & Recovery Group for (Ex-) Sex, Love & Porn Addicts in cooperation with an Austrian based ministry called “love is more”, which I am really excited about to develop & work with.

In February 2011 I’ll join Shelley to fight the lies of PORN at Cambridge University!

Finally I’ll be able to meet her for real & thank her personally for all she had been pouring out into me over the last 4 years! …awww Shelley – I love you so much!

… & the best is yet to come – for with JESUS – everything is possible & life gets better & better & better & I am not afraid to grow old & get wrinkles anymore !!!!  🙂

Please let me encourage you, if you are single: I am single & free from porn & masturbation & I am not having sex until I am married!

I am praying for my future husband & I will wait until that day of my wedding before I will have sex again. I am SURE that this is possible because JESUS lives in me & HE has totally changed me & gives me GRACE to work out my salvation in every sphere of life.

If you wanna WIN, you gotta FIGHT! It may take you some time, but with Jesus & a group of faith filled friends or support group on your side you can DO it! It is worth it!

To all those men, women & children that have been hurt by my past life & behaviour: I am really SORRY for what I have done to you & how I have been such a negative role model! I prayed to GOD for forgiveness & I hope & pray that you can forgive me too?!

Sharing my life story with others isn’t always easy, it makes you vulnerable. But I know how I had been desperate for a glimpse of hope when I realized that I was living a lie & an illusion.

The truth & nothing but the truth is: Freedom & the purpose of your life is found in Jesus Christ!

And THANKS to Shelley sharing her testimony online 5 years ago, I am a changed woman today! 🙂

I hope & pray that I can encourage you right now to consider the option of inviting JESUS into your heart where ever you are & start THE LIFE you were meant to live!

JESUS loves you so much & wants you to enjoy your life here on earth & for eternity!

And if you have a story to tell, then be brave & share yours too! People need to know & GOD deserves all our praise!

… to be continued for HIS GLORY !!!!!! – JESUS I LOVE YOU !!!!!!

My message to a world addicted to pornography: 

PLEASE STOP WATCHING PORN !!! I was one of the statistics when I got exposed to porn at the tender age of 9. It almost destroyed my life.

PLEASE “turn to the wife/husband of your youth”, love, honor & treasure her/him & protect your children from that filthy lie of the enemy.

GOD has created sex to be very special in the wonderful & secure setting of marriage. GOD knows best – He created us.

SOME FAQ’s about PORN & Co. and my answers:

I’ve heard it said that people who star in porn films do it because they love it.  What’s your response to that?

I do understand why they have to say that: otherwise how can you support what you do?! You gotta sell your product! & just don’t tell anybody about the side effects until they almost or sadly sometimes kill you yourself. Often we are so abused & hurt inside that we don’t feel the pain anymore coz we numb it. To survive.

Yes, I also said that I love all that bodily fluids all over my face. All the women in porn convinced me of that too. It seemed like so much “fun”. But it is disgusting, degrading. But if you tell yourself often enough you like it, otherwise men won’t “love & accept” you, you add a big convincing fake smile, it almost becomes a truth!

What happened to make you decide that enough was enough?

All sorts of abuse, rape, trauma, depressions, STD & the thought about my future without a happy family. Realizing that you live a lie & desire truth more. Sick of being cheated. When I felt that “somebody/something” wants to kill you, but you want to live !

Why do you think more and more women are becoming producers of porn films?

They want the power they never had. They are so hurt inside that they wanna hurt others.

There is a lot of money in that business & some “glamour” & some might be addicted to sexual images like me as well… and to not be on the suffering end of an actress they produce what they like, but know that its war between short term satisfaction and pain in the long run.

How can we as Christians make a difference in this industry? 

Support the Pink Cross Foundation & raise awareness through organizations like XXX-Church. There are good resources out there. Get your friends, church, community educated on the true(!) effects of porn & the pain porn “stars” suffer !

FACE the truth! Don’t ignore the big pink elephant that wants to trample into your BEDroom !

Get Shelley’s new book “Truth behind the fantasy of porn” or read “Redeeming Love” of Francine Rivers & feel the pain inside of us.

What is the best piece advice you have for young women who feel the pressure of society bearing down on them to conform to an idealised image that doesn’t even exist?

To really look behind the scenes & again face the Truth about the whole issue. Look to GOD for your calling & destiny, ask Him for goals & visions for your life. Every girl has a special purpose on this planet, but that does not include to become a sex slave of the sex industry!

I know how it feels: women in porn look so flawless & hot, so powerful, Though I somehow knew that it was fake, Though I couldn’t imagine them to be really happy – still they are adored & wanted by many & That wanted me to be like one of them.

I know that many teenage girls, who don’t feel loved think the same way – and it kills me inside, that they compromise their innocence on that lie of perversion of the enemy.

If I only somehow can prevent them walking down that path of destruction and to find their true love in Jesus Christ instead, my heart would overflow with joy!

That is the cry of my heart.

Girls, don’t believe the father of the lies!

Believe your caring & loving Daddy who treasures you and your sexuality!

LOVE YOU ALL !!! S****