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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 6

Effects of abuse on children, part 6
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted June 10, 2009 at 3:25 p.m.

Over the last five months we have examined the possible effects of childhood sexual abuse on its victims. These effects were considered with regard to the impacts on cognitive, emotional and behavioral dimensions. In this article bringing a close to this series, I would like to address some common myths or misconceptions prevalent in our society.

The first misconception to be addressed is the narrow definition often assigned to sexual abuse. A complete conception of sexual abuse should also include exposure to graphic sexual material. Exposure can include Internet, magazines and video, as well as witnessing adults engaging in sexual acts. It should be clarified that a child who accidentally wanders in on parents having sex one time will not be forever psychologically damaged. Exposure becomes damaging and abusive when sex and sexual material is available frequently, without discrimination and/or purposely targeted to the child.

The second misconception to be addressed is the notion that victims of sexual abuse are somehow destined to perpetrate the abuse on other children. While it cannot be denied that the vast majority of abusers were abused themselves, it cannot and should not be assumed that the majority of abused children will become abusers. It is understandable how this misconception can be perpetuated given the increased likelihood that most abuses (physical, emotional and neglect) are handed down intergenerationally. Physical and emotional abuse are most likely to be handed down from generation to generation because they are usually impulsively expressed through anger and modeled frequently. Neglect is a more passive abuse, and is usually intergenerational because of lack of education and intervention. Sexual abuse is different in that it usually requires premeditation and incremental “grooming.” It is this premeditative nature of sexual abuse that decreases the likelihood of intergenerational transference compared to other abuses. It should also be noted that no victim of any form of abuse is destined to repeat it.

Lastly, I would like to offer some insight to parents who might be wondering how to best respond to their child who has been sexually abused. Typically there are two extreme responses parents can have, both of which are not best for the children. The first extreme is to “sweep” the abuse “under the carpet” after the initial disclosure, the family seeks to reduce the anxiety and awkwardness of talking about the abuse modeling an unwritten rule that this subject is now somehow taboo. The other extreme is when parents begin to define their child by the abuse, and consistently bring up the subject either in direct conversation or by initiating new rules for the child, such as not being alone with friends, going to friends’ houses and not being able to spend the night with friends. The best response parents can have is to resume normalcy in the routine at home and to let the child know that the parent is concerned about how the child might be dealing with being abused and is willing to listen if the child ever desires to talk about it.

I would like to personally thank executive director Kirk Hancock and the Mental Health Association of Abilene for allowing me to contribute these articles that I hope can be used as part of the healing dialogue in our community.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

Original article found here:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/jun/10/effects-abuse-children-part-6/

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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 5

Effects of abuse, part 5
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted May 6, 2009 at 3:59 p.m

Since December, Mental Health Matters has featured one story a month examining the effects of childhood sexual abuse on its victims. Different dimensions to the individual have been considered, which include cognitive, emotional and behavioral. This order was chosen to illustrate the progression of abuse effects, beginning with how a child sees the world and self resulting in emotional experiences that lead to the behaviors which are the first noticeable signs. The behaviors that were last discussed were linked primarily to emotions such as fear, anger, depression and anxiety. This month’s article again focuses attention on the behavioral components that usually don’t manifest until puberty and later. The hope is that by discussing these issues, some insight will be gained into the possible motivations of these behaviors.

One important area to consider, especially in understanding victims of sexual abuse, is the impacts the abuse can have on the survivor’s sexual behaviors. As the person enters into puberty and subsequent arrival of sexual desire, there are two extremes that could possibly manifest.

The first is hypersexuality, which should be understood as an atypical promiscuity among peers. This hypersexuality in the life of an abuse victim is often misinterpreted by family and friends as evidence that the abuse may not have been as traumatic as once thought. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Many victims become hypersexual because sex for them was always something forced beyond their control and this hypersexuality is a means of having control over when and with whom they have sex. Another possible reason for the hypersexuality is to use sex as a means of retribution for their abuse. Sex in this context is seen as a tool for manipulation and self-gratification. One motivation for hypersexuality is linked most commonly among those who had a same-sex abuser. When a child has a same-sex abuser, this can cause confusion and concern in the victim that somehow the abuse will “make me homosexual.” Those with a same-sex abuser may become hypersexual in an attempt to concretely prove and reinforce to themselves that he/she is not homosexual. This understanding should not be somehow aligned with the myth purported in our society that gays and lesbians are pedophiles or that sexual abuse is a “cause” of same-sex attraction.

The other possible extreme of sexual behaviors manifested in the life of a sexual abuse victim is that this victim becomes asexual, which should be understood as having extremely low or no sexual desire. For the abuse survivor who is asexual, often it is because sex for them is so closely associated with their abuse/abuser and is viewed as a filthy violation.

Addictions also develop in the lives of abuse victims. Having worked with some victims who also had a history of substance addictions, a common scenario has developed. Stemming from the original notion that he/she is different from other people because of the abuse, in early adolescence any social invitation is viewed as a chance to “feel normal and accepted.” Often at social gatherings this person is offered his/her first drink or hit of a drug. Accepting this offer again can validate acceptance and “normalcy,” and often has the added affect of numbing the child from feeling depressed, fearful or angry. Add to this a predisposition for addiction and an addict is born.

It is important to keep in mind that hypersexuality, asexuality and addictions occur in a variety of arenas for a variety of causes, and not every person who possesses these signs are victims of sexual abuse. As we have discussed, it is the underlying motivation behind them that links them with abuse.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

© 2009 Abilene Reporter-News. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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Rick Pitino’s Rise Back to the Top

Originally posted: http://www.cbssports.com/collegebasketball/blog/eye-on-college-basketball/22032475/rick-pitinos-rise-back-to-the-top–

By: Jeff Goodman
College Basketball Insider

ATLANTA — Rick Pitino stood a few feet to the side of the basket, his hand interlocked with his wife Joanne’s. Neither were unable to contain their emotion as One Shining Moment blared throughout the Georgia Dome. This had to be a dream.

Pitino’s marriage nearly fell apart five years ago after he admitted to having sexual relations with another woman and it played out in front of the country, even the world, in the media. There were jokes, there was humiliation. His career seemed over a couple years ago when he was getting annihilated on the court and in recruiting circles by the guy who he couldn’t stand, Kentucky’s John Calipari.

But here he was, hugging and kissing his bride of more than 35 years, in a scene that didn’t look improbable not all that long ago. It looked virtually impossible.

There he was, sitting on the podium exactly one year after Calipari won his first title, becoming the first coach in history to get one with two different schools.

It had been an emotional week, beginning on Wednesday when he almost simultaneously learned that his son, Richard, had accepted the Minnesota job and also that he had been elected to the Hall of Fame. Just following the win Saturday against Wichita State in the national semifinals, Pitino watched the replay of his horse, Goldencents, winning the Santa Anita Derby, thus qualifying for the Kentucky Derby.

Then he cut down the nets on Monday night after Louisville’s 82-76 victory over Michigan in the national title game.

It’s all been against the odds for Pitino, whose life has been a virtual roller-coaster ride over the last couple decades or so. There was the national title in 1996 with Kentucky, then the train wreck three-plus seasons in Boston with the Celtics. He took Louisville to a Final Four, but then came the Sypher mess, in which she tried to extort him and also claimed it was rape.

“We’re a family that’s had a lot of difficult times,” Rick Pitino said.

“Our family has been through a lot,” his son, Richard, added. “But it’s made us stronger. It’s made my dad stronger.”

Pitino has moved past it, but won’t ever forget. He won’t forget his best friend, his brother-in-law Billy Minardi, who died in the World Trade Center attacks back on Sept. 11. He won’t forget about what he did to his family with the Sypher situation. He won’t forget where this program was just a few years ago when everyone had written him off following a 20-13 campaign in which the Cardinals were knocked out of the tournament in the first round.

That’s what makes this so special. That’s what makes this smile so real.

Rick the Ruler is gone. Sure, he still yells and screams at his players, he still makes his assistant coaches make a certain weight. But he’s not the same guy he was the last time he cut down the nets in 1996.

“He’s changed,” Richard Pitino said. “He’s been humbled.”

He had no choice. That’s what nearly losing everything will do to an individual. He nearly lost his family, and nearly watched his career be taken away.

Pitino didn’t take shots at Calipari this season even though he certainly could have done so with that “other” team struggling to an NIT bid. Instead, he elected to take the high road, when that wasn’t always the case in the past. Pitino has grown, as a person and a coach. This group wasn’t nearly as talented as the one in ’96 that was loaded with pros, but it won because the players genuinely bonded with one another and their coach.

Pitino appeared in a state of shock as the clock ticked down and the final buzzer sounded. It was less than three years ago that he was testifying against Sypher, about the same time as Calipari wasn’t just ruling the state of Kentucky, but also ruling the entire college basketball world.

There was no way Pitino would ever be relevant again, not as long as Calipari was breathing in the Commonwealth. A year ago, Calipari took a bunch of heralded recruits and cut down the nets in New Orleans. Pitino also snipped the nets, but he did it by developing and coaching his players. There may not be a single player on this year’s team that gets selected in the first round of June’s NBA Draft. Calipari had four players off last year’s group hear their names uttered in the first round.

Pitino called his entire family up on the makeshift stage in the center of the court moments after the players had finished cutting down the nets. It was time for a photo. Children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews. There were more than 25 people — and every last one of them was smiling.

None more than Joanna Pitino.

“I can’t even put it into words,” she said. “It’s overwhelming.”

The last few years have been overwhelming for the Pitino family. There have been tragedies, humiliation and losses.

But Rick Pitino has somehow managed to overcome it all and wind up back on top.

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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 4

April is Abuse Prevention Month
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted April 1, 2009 at 5:26 p.m.

April is designated as abuse prevention month for the state of Texas. Therefore, the Mental Health Association of Abilene, felt it more than appropriate to run its latest installment of the “Effects of Abuse Series.” This installment is in two parts, because there is much to consider. In the previous two articles we considered the mental and emotional impacts of abuse, respectively. The third dimension to be examined is the behavioral dimension. What kinds of behaviors are “typical” of a person who has been sexually abused? The easy and disappointing answer is that there are no “typical” behaviors, and the behaviors that will be discussed are ambiguous enough that they should not be the sole determining factor in assessing if one has been abused. However, it is a fact that the behaviors are the first thing we notice in people that cause us alarm or concern. It is also important to clarify that behaviors are the end result of the “chain reaction” we have been discussing between thoughts/beliefs, feelings and behaviors.

The underlying belief that fuels those feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, anger, shame and doubt is the belief that he/she is “different” from others; that he/she is alone in this struggle and if anyone truly knew his/her plight, they would not value him/her. One of the most common manifestations of these beliefs and emotional responses is in the abused creating a persona of anger and aggression. This persona is in reality a wall meant to communicate to the world, “keep out!” and “if you don’t stay away, I’ll make sure you regret trying to get close.” Males will tend to be more physically aggressive while the females are more likely to be more verbally aggressive. Both are the result of a brooding anger which ultimately can be traced back to the fear of being betrayed, hurt, exploited and victimized again.

Depression and anxiety can lead to behavior manifestations like withdrawal, self-injury and suicidal ideations and attempts. Withdrawal is a common behavior in abuse victims. If the abuse begins at an early age and is chronic, this withdrawal may go unnoticed and explained away as a personality trait. Withdrawal is more noticeable in children between the ages of 8-18 because there is an already established pattern of social interaction. Self-injury is most common in adolescent females and takes the form of surface-level cuts on the forearms, abdomen, pelvis, or underneath the breast. The purpose of the self-injury is usually to achieve a sense of release reinforced by the initial shot of pain and subsequent presentation of blood. Many who engage in this behavior find it difficult or unacceptable to cry because crying leaves one with feelings of vulnerability, which is interpreted as weakness. Crying can also become uncontrollable, which again frightens the abuse victim, who often desires to have control in a life that seems so chaotic. The child who engages in self-injury believes they can control the cutting and therefore believe it to be a safe alternative. The self-injury then becomes another secret that has to be hidden and protected. In some ways this can relate back to the aspect of control, the cutter has control over the secret, but ultimately it becomes one more stressor which maintains the need to alleviate that stress. Self-injury can also be used as a form of self-punishment motivated by feelings of worthlessness. These feelings of worthlessness, when coupled with pent-up anxiety, depression, and fear, can lead to thoughts and attempts at suicide.

In the next installment we will look inside the possible sexual manifestations of a sexually abused child and how abuse can lead to substance and process addictions.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

Original Article found here:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/apr/01/april-abuse-prevention-month/

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Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Part 3

Effects of abuse, part 3
By Paul Irby Special to the Abilenian
Abilene Reporter-News
Posted February 4, 2009 at 1:08 p.m.

This third article in the series of six reflects what can be called a continuation of a chain reaction beginning with the cognitive impacts discussed last month, which lead to the emotional experiences discussed in this article. The most common emotional experiences a sexually abused child encounters include fear, anxiety, anger, guilt and shame.

Fear and anxiety are closely related emotions. Many of their physiological and psychological experiences are identical. Fears and anxieties experienced by an abused child can be specific to gender, age range, status or race. When these fears are category-specific it is most likely tied to associations with the abuser. Fears and anxieties can also be more broad and general. Common generalized fears of abused children include the fear of their secret being found out, being rejected by peers and being emotionally vulnerable which would ultimately lead to being betrayed by someone else.

I recall working with a 23-year-old man who had been sexually abused by his mother from the age of 6 until the age of 21. One of the main reasons for his desire to seek therapy was “feeling angry all the time.”

I explained to my client that when I hear someone make such an assertion that my mind immediately returns to what I know to be the nature of anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. Quite literally, what that means is that anger is what we feel second in the sequence of emotional experience. Most often what is felt first is some kind of fear. This is only true of genuine anger, not frustration or irritation.

Think back to your own experience of being cut off in traffic. We can easily identify the feelings of anger toward that driver and our subsequent desires to express that anger. If someone were to ask you how you felt after being cut off, you would probably frame this experience as one that prompted anger. However, if we were to trace back the very first emotional experience, it would be one of fear. For the driver, it is the fear that the vehicle or self might be hurt, and the fear quickly manifests itself into anger. So, when I heard my client contend that he was “angry all the time,” we began a discussion of what fears are present that lead to his consistent feelings of anger. In reality one who has been abused, who walks around angry “all the time,” is living with pervasive fear. Anger was the way in which this person chose to protect himself from the fears becoming a reality.

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably in our language, but an important distinction was made to me by one of my wise clients. He defined guilt as “believing you did something bad” and shame as “believing you are a bad person.” When considered in the framework of one who was sexually abused as a child, this is one of the biggest lies he or she can believe. While much of our society can look from the outside in to another’s experience and logically make a case finding fault in the abused child’s reactions or responses, these outsiders are wrong. Often they will say things like, “well you shouldn’t have kept it a secret so long,” not recognizing the power of intimidation, fear and humiliation that maintains the secret. Abusers use sick “logic” to rationalize abuse, claiming that the child “flirted” with them or “wanted it as much as they did.” These abusers fail to recognize their humane responsibility as adults to the welfare of children, and often confuse affection for sexual advancement.

Survivors of abuse will internalize these inaccurate beliefs that result in feelings of guilt and shame. Children should never be blamed for abuse perpetrated against them.

Paul Irby, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor with the Ministry of Counseling and Enrichment. Mental Health Matters is facilitated by the Mental Health Association in Abilene.

The original article can be found here:
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/feb/04/effects-abuse-part-3/