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What to Tell the Children?

Originally posted at: http://vickitidwellpalmer.com/what-to-tell-the-children/

by Vicki Tidwell Palmer

Most parents—whether they’ve been impacted by addiction or not—struggle to talk to their children about sex.

The infamous “birds and bees” talk is the source of endless jokes and secret discomfort for parents who fear they haven’t done enough to educate their children about their bodies or human sexuality.

So when addicts and their partners want to have that difficult conversation with their children about the addict’s struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior, it can be daunting.

An addict’s past behaviors and addiction are his private information. However, there are a number of reasons addicts may choose to disclose their addiction to their children.

One of the most common reasons addicts disclose to children is concern—or knowing—that one or more of their children have been exposed to their secret sexual behaviors in the past through inadvertently “catching” the addict acting out, finding sexual material on a home computer, or unknowingly having contact with an affair partner while with the addict.

Other reasons addicts disclose to children include a desire to be accountable and to acknowledge the impact their addiction has had on their children, or the discovery that their adult child is now struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors.

When deciding who will disclose to children, it’s always best for an addict and his partner to talk to children together unless the couple are no longer in a relationship, or there are extenuating circumstances such as an imminent public disclosure.

Here are 8 best practices for talking to children about a parent’s addiction:

1
Share Age Appropriate Information

Giving children age appropriate information is crucial when disclosing addiction—especially to minor children (under the age of 18).

For example, if you’re talking to a 5-year old, you would speak in broader generalities than you would with a 14-year old. You might tell a 5-year old, “Remember when you were having trouble learning your numbers and you needed extra help? Daddy has a problem too that he’s getting help for. When he’s gone at night (or treatment) he’s going to meet with other people who have the same problem so they can work on it together and he can solve his problem.”

For children who are a little older, you could add, “Daddy make a mistake and lied.” Or, “Remember when you and Sue were having a fight at school? Mom and Dad are having some problems in their relationship kind of like that, and we’re getting help to work them out.”

The need to share age appropriate information can be made more challenging if you have several children ranging in age from 8 to 17, for example. In cases like this, I recommend you speak to all of the children at the same time with information appropriate to the youngest child, and then have additional conversations—if needed—with older children who can understand the issue at a deeper level, or need more explanation.

Keep in mind that most children—including adult children—don’t want to hear about their parent’s sex life. For this reason, it’s better to err on the side of disclosing more general information, rather than sharing things you can’t take back that create a permanent, painful memory for them.

For example, it is better to say to an older child (over the age of 12) that her parent is struggling with addiction than to specifically say sex addiction. Sex addiction is not well understood even in the general adult population. Disclosing sex addiction specifically to a minor child requires you to explain and define it, and can make the child feel unsure or “icky” (shame) as she imagines or tries to guess what it means.

Unless there’s a specific, compelling reason for you to share more details, stick to generalities. You can always have another conversation at a later time when the child is more mature and capable of taking in and processing additional information.

2
Seek Professional Guidance

If you want to disclose past addictive behaviors—whether to a partner or your children—I highly recommend you seek professional guidance from a therapist who has experience with disclosures involving out of control sexual behavior or sex addiction. Most addicts who attempt disclosure on their own tend to over-share, often in ways that actually traumatize—rather than help—those who receive the disclosure.

Unless you’re in a situation of forced or imminent disclosure (see below), there is no need to rush. Disclosure to children should not take place before a formal therapeutic disclosure with a partner or the completion of a significant amount of step-work in a 12-step fellowship. Take your time and get qualified professional help.

3
Discuss What’s Included in Advance

Addicts and partners should discuss what information will be disclosed to children prior to the actual event, and have a list of agreed on “talking points” to cover. If the addict has prepared a disclosure with the guidance of his/her therapist, the partner should have an opportunity to review and discuss any edits or changes with the addict prior to talking to their children.

4
Decide—in Advance—Where & When

When planning where to make a disclosure to minor children, home is typically best. There are some cases, especially with adult children, when it can be helpful to have the disclosure at a therapist’s office. Having a therapist present acting as a facilitator is recommended in cases where the addict and adult child have been estranged, or the child has strong feelings about the addict’s past acting out behaviors.

Avoid making disclosure to children on an important day such as a birthday, holiday, or other special occasion so that they don’t have to carry the burden of having a joyful occasion “paired” with receiving confusing or painful information from one of their parents. Also, allow plenty of time after the disclosure for conversation and processing, rather than rushing off to an already scheduled event.

5
Don’t Ask for Forgiveness

I always cringe when I hear an addict ask for forgiveness when making a disclosure to his partner, or children.

The primary purpose of disclosure is to give the other person information they need and deserve to know. Addicts should avoid including any information in a disclosure that has the effect of evoking pity, or that highlights how he was harmed or victimized in the past.

Forgiveness is an organic process that arises in its own time.

6
How to Handle “Forced” Disclosure

There are some times—although rare—when a disclosure of sexual acting out will be disclosed due to an arrest, legal matter, or other situation involving the media. In cases like this, it is highly recommended that you seek guidance immediately about how to disclose to children so that they get the information directly from a parent rather than from the media, peers, or law enforcement.

7
Invite Their Questions & Accept Their Feelings

Once you’ve shared the information, ask your children if they have any questions. Depending on their age, personality, and temperament they may have no questions—or many. If they don’t have questions and appear eager to end the conversation, tell them you’re open and available for any questions they may have in the future.

If children become visibly distraught or cry during disclosure, don’t assume what they’re thinking or feeling. Start with a general question like, “Can you talk to me about how you’re feeling?” rather than assuming what may be happening for them. Whatever their feelings, tell them they have a right to all of them, and that they’re perfectly fine.

8
Tell Them It’s Not Their Fault

And last but not least, any disclosure to children should include a statement to the effect of, “This is a grown-up problem/adult problem and I am 100% responsible for solving it. It’s not your fault.”

Children—by their very nature—are ego-centric and interpret the painful events in their life as their fault or as a reflection on them. When you tell them it’s not their fault and that you’re in charge of taking care of the problem, you release them from taking on undue guilt and hardship.

For more information about disclosure to children, see Disclosing Secrets: An Addict’s Guide for When, to Whom, and How Much to Reveal by M. Deborah Corley and Jennifer P Schneider.

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3 Secrets to “Immunize” Kids from Adult Material

by Kristen Jenson

How do you immunize kids against porn? How do you porn-proof so your kids stay safe online?  It’s no different than the many other dangers you train your kids to deal with–first you warn them, but then you’ve got to practice “what you preach” so they can react appropriately when they are exposed. It’s kind of like a fire drill. First you teach them about the potential for danger; then you teach them how to get out of the house safely.

Beyond Warning

I believe that warning them is a great first step, and a boatload of kudos to you proactive parents who open a dialogue with your kids about pornography.

But may I suggest that you don’t stop there? Arm your kids with a warning, but follow up with the skills they need to protect their brains. It’s like building any kind of immunity–first you need the knowledge about good nutrition, exercise, cleanliness, and medical options, but then you’ve actually got to practice those good habits until they become skills.

Media defense skills empower kids to reject pornography and keep it from dominating their thoughts.

When bullies taunted me at school, my mom gave me some tools to deal with them. (She happens to be one of the funniest people you’ll ever meet. In fact, once her smart-alecky humor almost got us kicked off a tour bus in Hawaii! But that’s another story.) The witty verbal retorts she recommended often left my tormentors scratching their heads and looking dumbfounded. Pretty soon, the bullies left me alone. I was grateful for my mom’s bullying defense skills.

Adults Underestimate the Pull of Porn

Even good kids who have had plenty of warnings to stay away from pornography still succumb. A study out of Switzerland documents what I believe it true the world over–parents simply underestimate their kids’ online exposure to pornography. They underestimate the enticing pull of these images–especially for kids who don’t know how to deal with the shocking memories they create.

Media Defense Skills

So here are three super simple, but super powerful, media defense skills to help kids supercharge their immunity to porn.


1. You’ve got TWO brains! Teaching kids they have two brains–the feeling brain and the thinking brain–is empowering for all kinds of growing up skills (which we explain in greater detail in Good Pictures Bad Pictures). The feeling brain is all about instinct, appetites and desires, and all of these are critical to survival. Pornography activates the feeling brain and, over time, can give it power to hijack the thinking brain—that part of the brain that understands consequences and puts the brake on our appetites. It may be helpful for kids to see their thinking brain as a super hero that needs to triumph over their feeling brain, the brain that is very curious about seeing pictures of naked people. Read more about teaching kids that they have two brains in my post: You Have Two Brains! 

2. Name it when you see it. “That’s pornography!” is a powerful phrase because it activates the pre-frontal cortex and revs up the thinking brain to take charge. If a child looks at a pornographic picture and thinks, “Wow! She’s exciting!” or “He’s hot!”—this response can easily lead to looking for more porn. But if kids are trained to say, “That’s pornography!” (and can practice saying it with their family), it wakes them up to the danger of what they’re seeing and the importance of rejecting it immediately. Read more about the power of this skill in my post entitled How to Avoid the Slippery Slope of Gateway Porn.

3. Practice the art of distraction. Pornographic images are extremely memorable. Especially for kids whose mirror neurons make the images feel all the more real. So when kids see anything that arouses their interest (it could be a scantily clad actress in a movie or a model in a bikini), those images are hard to forget. They keep popping up and enticing a child to look for more. Kids need to know this will happen and be prepared to distract themselves (or to get you to help them) every time the images reappear. It’s especially helpful to engage in something physical that requires their mind’s full attention. As they practice the art of distraction, those images will begin to fade as the neural pathway to that image erodes and weakens. Find out more about this skill in my post: Teach Kids Two Ways to “Forget” Porn.

These Skills Work!

It’s ironic (but not surprising) that as I’ve done research online for Good Pictures Bad Pictures, I’ve been exposed to more porn. Thankfully, these same media defense skills work for adults, too! By practicing them, those images have faded from my memory.

Shameless plug!

Good Pictures Bad Pictures includes an easy to remember 5-point CAN DO Plan for kids to employ when they see pornography. Subscribe to our PornProof Kids blog and get this free printable poster to give your kids the media defense skills they need. (Click on the Home Tab in the menu bar above and then look for the FOLLOW BLOG VIA EMAIL on the RIGHT sidebar. P.S. If you received this blog in an email, you’re already subscribed. If you’re already subscribed, but haven’t received a free printable poster, email us at pornproofkids@gmail.com.)

You would never expect your child to be successful in school without learning the skills of reading and basic math. In the same way, kids cannot be expected to be successful at avoiding the traps of pornography without these simple but powerful media defense skills.

Have you taught your kids about pornography and how to manage their thoughts? How have your kids responded? Please leave a question or share a story. Thanks!

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Porn Aftermath: 3 Simple Steps to Help Your Child Process Their Feelings

Posted on July 18, 2013 by

Shocking WebsiteSadly, it’s inevitable. At some point your child is going to be exposed to pornography. Hopefully, you’ve talked to them about what it is and why it’s dangerous. But even after several porn talks, kids need help sorting out their confused feelings. If they feel comfortable talking with you after they’ve been exposed, you’ve just added another layer in their armor against pornography. Especially if you can stay calm and reassuring.

I recently came across an excellent video on the Women for Decency website produced by LifeStar Network, a pornography and sexual addiction recovery organization. Jeffrey Ford, a licensed marriage and family therapist, discusses three steps you can take to help your child after they’ve seen pornography.

worried-boy1. Ask: How did your body feel? Ford advises parents to recognize that pornography arouses sexual feelings, which physically feel good. Acknowledging that sexual arousal feels good will avoid shaming your child about having normal sexual feelings.

2. Ask: How did you feel emotionally? Kids often say they feel sick to their stomach or “yukky” after seeing pornography. This is confusing. How can my body feel good but my emotions feel so bad at the same time?

3. Explain that marriage is the right time to experience sexual feelings. Teach them that both their bodies and their emotions can feel good when they grow up and find someone they love to marry. Sexual feelings are good and normal and designed to bring two people together and keep them together in a committed and loving relationship like marriage.

mom-talking-with-11-year-old-son

Depending on the type of pornography they’ve seen you may also want to reaffirm that sex is not about hurting another person, but it’s about showing kindness and affection.

Pornography gives very mixed messages to kids, which are extremely confusing. The worst case scenario is to have a child turn to the internet for more information on pornography.  As a parent, you can provide a safe setting for sorting out the confused feelings produced by seeing pornography.

I highly recommend watching this 4 minute video What if my child has been exposed?

Please leave a comment and let me know if you thought it was helpful! Thanks!

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A Tribe’s Epidemic of Child Sex Abuse, Minimized for Years

A Tribe’s Epidemic of Child Sex Abuse, Minimized for Years
Originally posted by Socialogical Ruminations
September 20, 2012

A very disturbing article on the front cover of the New York Times discusses the normalization of child sexual abuse on the Spirit Lake Indian Reservation in North Dakota.  Please understand that the subject of this article may not be suitable for everyone and this deals with sexual abuse of children.  Keep in mind that it is normal to feel anger after reading this, but please don’t read this article if you feel you are not ready to read on this subject in your own recovery.  The article says:

While members of the tribe say that sexual violence against children on the reservation is common and barely concealed, the reasons for the abuse here are poorly understood, though poverty and alcohol are thought to be factors. The crimes are rarely prosecuted, few arrests are made, and people say that because of safety fears and law enforcement’s lack of interest, they no longer report even the most sadistic violence against children.

The article says that one offender told the police

that he thought he was entitled to have sex with his niece because she told him that she had previously been sexually abused by her father.

Here is the article:

A Tribe’s Epidemic of Child Sex Abuse, Minimized for Years
By
Published: September 19, 2012

SPIRIT LAKE INDIAN RESERVATION, N.D. — The man who plays Santa Claus here is a registered child sex offender and a convicted rapist. One of the brothers of the tribal chairman raped a child, and a second brother sexually abused a 12-year-old girl. They are among a number of men convicted of sex crimes against children on this remote home of the Spirit Lake Sioux tribe, which has among the highest proportion of sex offenders in the country.

Federal officials are now moving to take over the tribe’s social service programs, according to members of the tribe, government officials and documents. The action comes after years of failure by government and tribal law enforcement officials to conduct proper investigations of dozens of cases of child sexual abuse, including rape.

While members of the tribe say that sexual violence against children on the reservation is common and barely concealed, the reasons for the abuse here are poorly understood, though poverty and alcohol are thought to be factors. The crimes are rarely prosecuted, few arrests are made, and people say that because of safety fears and law enforcement’s lack of interest, they no longer report even the most sadistic violence against children. In May 2011, a 9-year-old girl and her 6-year-old brother were killed on the reservation after being raped and sodomized.

“It bothers me that it is so accepted, that it is considered so normal. It’s lawless,” said Molly McDonald, who was a tribal judge until March, handling juvenile cases.

The reservation has 38 registered sex offenders among its 6,200 residents, a rate of one offender for every 163 residents. By contrast, Grand Forks, N.D., about 85 miles away, has 13 sex offenders out of a population of 53,000 — a rate of about one in 4,000. In one home on the reservation, nine children are under the care of the father, an uncle and a grandfather, each a convicted sex offender, a federal official said. Two of the children, brothers who are 6 and 8, were recently observed engaging in public sex, residents said.

“Those little boys are crying out for help,” said a neighbor, who called the Bureau of Indian Affairs Police but said that officers declined to take a report or notify child welfare officials.

Another member of the tribe said that police officers and social workers failed to act after a 9-year-old girl described giving oral sex to a man.

Neither the tribe nor the federal government provided current figures on abuse, but in 2007 there were 26 confirmed cases of child sexual abuse and nearly 10 times as many allegations of abuse or neglect. Ms. McDonald said she presided over 20 to 30 cases of child sexual abuse each year. In 2011, fewer than a dozen cases of sex crimes against children were prosecuted by either the tribe or the federal government, which has jurisdiction, according to federal and tribal records.

Betty Jo Krenz, a former tribal social worker, said she oversaw 131 children — 100 more than the state’s average caseload. In some instances, members of the tribe say, there are generations of victims from the same family who have been preyed upon by generations of child rapists from other families. Others abuse their own children, including one tribal government employee who publicly complained that his young daughter had bitten his penis, according to a relative of the man and a federal official.

Federal agencies, however, have sought to minimize the extent of the problem, including disciplining employees who have spoken publicly about sexual abuse and questioning the competence of others, according to federal and tribal officials.

Thomas F. Sullivan, a director of the federal Administration for Children and Families, who has emerged as a crucial whistle-blower, is among those who have been prevented from speaking to reporters, he said. Still, his periodic reports to his superiors in Washington have been blistering.

“If we fail in our role as leaders, we will deserve the same condemnation society so correctly applied to those leaders at Penn State and in the Catholic Church who, knowing of the abuse being inflicted on children by their colleagues, did nothing, failing in their basic obligation to protect children,” Mr. Sullivan wrote last month to his supervisors.

And weeks before the scheduled federal takeover on Oct. 1 of the reservation’s social service system, which is responsible for the care of the tribe’s sexually abused children, senior staff members at the Bureau of Indian Affairs continued to play down the issue.

Hankie Ortiz, deputy bureau director of the Office of Indian Services, said the news media and whistle-blowers had exaggerated the problem. “Their social service program has made steady progress,” Ms. Ortiz said, adding that she was unable to discuss specific cases under privacy laws or because she was unaware of them.

Roger Yankton, the tribe’s chairman, did not respond to requests for interviews.

But in a letter published last month in The Devils Lake Journal, a local newspaper, tribal officials cast blame on whistle-blowers and a lack of federal money.

“The tribe’s elected leaders and its people are well aware of the gravity and difficult nature of these problems,” the letter said, “particularly because we live with their consequences every day.”

But members of the tribe say their leadership has often sought to hide abuse.

Ms. McDonald said that the police investigated sex crimes against children only if a victim requested hospitalization, and that tribal leaders frequently sought to sway judges’ opinions improperly. She said she was forced to dismiss many cases because social workers forgot to submit required paperwork.

“The perpetrators know they can get away with it because the authorities don’t do anything,” said Joanne Streifel, a tribal elder.

Among the sex offenders is Quentin Yankton, 61, who stands 6 feet 5 inches and is a brother of the tribe’s chairman. He was first convicted of raping a child in 1976, state records show. In 1992, he was convicted of a similar crime after he forced his 15-year-old niece into sex. The girl became pregnant with twins, and DNA analysis showed that he was the father.

Mr. Yankton told the police, according to court documents, that he thought he was entitled to have sex with his niece because she told him that she had previously been sexually abused by her father.

Mr. Yankton was sentenced to 12 years in prison. The girl’s father was never prosecuted, but Alfred Longie, 67, a half-brother of the men, was convicted in 2008 for undressing and rubbing the genitals of a 12-year-old who had passed out after he had given her alcohol.

Joseph Alberts, 59, who plays Santa Claus for the tribe, was convicted of rape in 1983, and in 1986 was found guilty of committing lewd acts with a child under 14 on four different occasions. He served one year in jail for that crime and 18 months for the rape.

In another case, after a woman tried to burn down her house with her 5-year-old daughter inside, the girl was put in a foster home where a sex offender was living, according to Mr. Sullivan and a member of the tribe. Once the foster parent’s criminal record was discovered, the tribe removed the child and put her back in her mother’s home.

But when the child proved too much for the mother to care for, Mr. Sullivan said, she sold her daughter back to the family of the registered sex offender for $50 and a ride to Grand Forks.

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Japan’s child porn addiction

Japan’s child porn addiction

A nation that openly sexualises youngsters has become the world hub for a dark, booming industry. Now police have decided to tackle the culture of abuse
by David McNeill, October 12, 2012

It was a shocking find: crudely made DVDs with images of grown men having sex with children as young as 12. Until this year, the men who bought those images faced little more than a slap on the wrist. But police in Kyoto, Japan’s ancient capital, decided for the first time during the summer to pursue criminal charges against three male customers in a country widely seen as much too lenient on child pornography.

The police campaign is largely the work of Kyoto’s prefectural Governor, Keiji Yamada. During his fight for office two years ago, Mr Yamada pledged to roll out an ordinance banning the buying and possession of child porn – still legal under Japanese law, unless there is proven intent to sell or distribute. Even if the makers are arrested, the images circulate for years on the internet and in secondary markets.

Child porn-related crimes have grown fivefold in Japan through the last decade, according to the country’s National Police Agency. At least 600 children a year fall victim to paedophile directors and photographers. “The internet is probably the biggest factor,” said Akira Koga, spokesman for the Kyoto Police. “It’s very difficult to monitor and control.” A new police cyber patrol uncovered the trail back to the three men from the DVD producer in Tokyo.

Japan has long been considered a hub for the production and possession of paedophile images. It is the only OECD (Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development) nation that has not banned possession of child porn, partly to protect its manga and anime industries, which churn out thousands of titles every year that sail close to the legal wind. A government survey in 2002 found that 10 per cent of Japanese men admitted to owning child porn at some stage.

Bookstores and convenience stores across the country stock magazines carrying semi-naked pictures of pubescent and pre-pubescent children. Many underage girls have built careers as so-called “junior idols”, posing in suggestive poses. In the electronics district of Akihabara, Tokyo’s capital of geeky cool, tourists gawk at cartoon images of children in various stages of sexual distress, all perfectly legal. One of the nation’s most popular pop groups, AKB48, features a revolving cast of members, some as young as 13, persuaded to pout in adult lingerie for videos and magazine covers.

The UK-based Internet Watch Foundation traced nearly 16,250 websites depicting child abuse back to Japan in 2006, enough to put it third on a global watch list. In 2009, the Canadian Centre for Child Protection placed Japan fourth among the top five countries hosting websites with child abuse images, according to ECPAT International, an NGO that fights to end the commercial exploitation of children.

Campaigners engaged in a cat-mouse-game with paedophiles across the world say a new approach is long overdue. “The US is very frustrated with Japan,” says Jake Adelstein, a journalist and board member with the Polaris Project Japan, a non-profit organisation that combats human trafficking and sexual exploitation. “The FBI and Homeland Security Investigations give Japan’s police hundreds of tips on child pornography makers and distributors every year and none of them are acted upon.”

Police complain that they do not have the legal resources to fight the problem. Japan only banned the production and distribution of child porn in 1999, mandating punishment of up to five years in prison. Kyoto today is still the only one of Japan’s 47 prefectures that threatens prison for possessing child porn. Since Governor Yamada’s ordinance, possession carries a maximum one-year jail term or a fine of up to 500,000 yen (£4000).

One reason for the reluctance to roll out new national legislation is the fear that police may use it too liberally, threatening freedom of creative expression. Conservative politicians have long demanded a clampdown on pornographic images. Two years ago, Tokyo’s metropolitan assembly banned the sale or rent of comics and anime movies depicting younger characters engaging in “extreme” sexual acts, including rape.

But the ban was resisted by Japan’s biggest publishers, who produce hundreds of risqué manga a year featuring fetishism, incest and “Lolita porn”, along with more mainstream fare. The Tokyo Bar Association also criticised the wording of the legislation, warning that it could be the thin edge of the censorship wedge against sexualised images of any kind. The association and many legislators want the police to continue targeting producers and distributors of child porn, not consumers.

Opinion polls suggest that most Japanese voters want stricter laws. But with parliament essentially gridlocked ahead of a general election, widely expected this autumn, there is little appetite for a messy political fight over what is seen as a relatively minor issue. The ruling Democratic Party (DPJ) has shelved a 2008 draft law that would have banned any involvement in child pornography. Their conservative opponents, the Liberal Democrats, have promised a tougher line.

Until then, say campaigners, paedophiles will continue to have the upper hand. “Child pornography prosecutions almost always involve images contained on computer hard drives or start with an internet protocol (IP) address that is known to have accessed child pornography material,” said a spokesperson for ECPAT International. “The fact that Japanese courts cannot grant search warrants based on IP address information hampers the fight against child pornography.”

The organisation warns that Japanese police cannot coordinate with international sting operations because domestic law is out of sync with most of the developed world.

As if to underline the legal challenges ahead, Kyoto police say prosecutors have declined to press charges against the three men, citing a lack of evidence. The three bought the DVDs from a dealer in Tokyo after seeing them advertised on the internet. Police raided the dealer’s house and found transaction records showing many more customers around the country. Unfortunately for the victims, few of the men can be prosecuted, even when the law works well.