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child sexual abuse

July 31, 2015 By Castimonia

Talking to Your Kids about Sexual Abuse

Ways of Approaching the Conversation

by Sandra Kim (linked above)

1. Frame the conversation for yourself as a way of loving your child: Starting from a loving place and not a scared place will help create the calm environment for your child. This will help them really listen to the words you’re saying. If you’re frightened and stressed, they will react primarily to that fear and not register what you’re saying as much. It’s also important to not treat the subject like its taboo or dirty (which is how we often treat anything related to sex). Even when parents try to hide their feelings, children are often very perceptive and pick up on small cues telling them that something is wrong. They then may think talking about someone hurting them might be wrong even if you say it’s not. So speak from a calm, casual, and loving frame of mind when having these conversations.

2. Begin talking to them as young as 2 years old: This may seem very early but children under 12 are most at risk at 4 years old. Even if they can’t speak well, children at this age are busy figuring out the world. And they certainly understand and remember a lot more than adults usually realize. For example, when giving a bath, tell them where their private parts are and that the parent is seeing and touching them to clean them but that normally nobody should.

3. Teach them the actual names of their private parts: When you begin teaching them parts of their body like ears, eyes, and toes, also teach them the real names of their private parts like “vagina” and “penis” and not their “cute” names. This gives them the right words to use if someone is hurting them and makes sure the person being told understands what’s happening. It’s also important to teach both female and male anatomy because the abuser can be of either gender and they need to know how to describe what happens to them. In one case, a child told her parent that her stomach was hurting. When they took her to the doctor, he informed them that her vagina showed signs of rape. Their little daughter had been trying to tell them what was happening but she just didn’t know what to call her vagina so she said stomach instead.

4. Share the only instances when their private parts can be seen and touched: An age appropriate concept for a young child to understand is that nobody – including a parent or caregiver – should see or touch their private parts – what a swimming suit covers up – unless they’re keeping them clean, safe, or healthy. But also make sure they know that even in these situations, if someone is hurting them, they can still say, “stop, it hurts” and tell their parent immediately. Some examples to help them understand what you’re talking about are when you’re giving them a bath or a doctor is seeing them. Ask them if that’s an example of keeping them clean, safe, or healthy as you’re doing it.

5. Teach them their private parts are special: When talking about this topic, it’s important to not create a taboo or dirty feeling around their private parts. Instead parents can teach their child that their private parts are so special that they’re just for them and no one else. Only when needing to keep their private parts clean, safe, or healthy are other people allowed to see or touch them. This is also an important step to help children develop a healthy sexuality before discussing sex itself with them.

6. Teach them (and respect) their right to control their bodies: This flies in the face of what we often teach our children – that adults have absolute authority over everything and children have to do what they’re told. The problem is that this only teaches them to not speak up when they’re feeling hurt and scared because of what an adult is telling them to do. Instead, teach your child that their body is theirs and no one has the right to hurt their bodies even when a grown up is doing it. For children, it’s very empowering to have permission to say “no” to an adult if they’re uncomfortable with the request. For example, when you’re at a social event, don’t make your child kiss or hug anyone. Instead let your child know they can give a kiss, hug, handshake, or nothing to people they see and it’s entirely up to them. And when an adult tries to make them give them a hug and they don’t want to, encourage the child to say “no” and support their decision verbally if needed.

7. Explain that no one should physically hurt them, especially in their private parts. 85% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone they know. It may be a parent, relative, family friend, neighbor, teacher, or religious leader. It may be a man, woman, or another child. It can be anyone. No one unfortunately is on the safe list. In fact, children are most vulnerable with the family members and acquaintances. So make sure your child knows that no one can hurt their bodies no matter who they’re with – even when they’re with their mommy or daddy. It’s also important that they understand you’re talking to them about this because you love them and want them to be safe. Just like you teach them about crossing the road because they might get hit by a car, you’re also teaching them that someone might sexually hurt them. It doesn’t mean it will happen. But in case someone tries to, your child will know they can say “no, stop that” and tell you what happened without you being upset with them.

8. Encourage them to trust their gut around their safety: While parents shouldn’t instill a fear of people in their child, they should support their child in trusting their gut instinct. By trusting their intuition, children will both be more empowered around making their own choices about who’s safe instead of relying on a parent telling them. This is important because a parent won’t always be there with them. One way is to tell the child before social events that if they ever feel uncomfortable with someone – even if nothing has happened, they should leave the room and tell their parent. Even if it looks “rude,” they should know that they will not be punished for simply leaving the room. Their sense of safety comes before the need to be “polite.”

9. Explain that a secret is still a secret when shared with the parents: Many abusers tell their child victims that what happened was a secret and to not tell anyone, especially their parents. So it’s important to teach them early on that secrets are still kept secret if they tell their mom or dad. Additionally, they should understand anyone who wants them to keep secrets from their parents shouldn’t be trusted and they should definitely tell their parents about it.

10. Tell them that you will believe them if someone is hurting them and they won’t be in trouble: Many abusers tell their victims that no one will believe them and create a sense of shame around what happened. Children in general, usually blame themselves and take responsibility for things that happen in their lives, regardless of who’s actually responsible for it. Given this, children often fear what their parent will do if they tell them, including being punished. Make sure they know without a doubt that you won’t be upset, that they’ve done the right thing, and that you’re proud of them for telling them the truth.

Related Posts: 10 Signs of Child Abuse and Neglect, How to Document Concerns about Child Abuse, and 8 Notes on Counseling Abused Children

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, castimonia, child abuse, child sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, pornstars, prostitutes, purity, recovery, sex addict, sex addiction, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual purity, trauma

May 13, 2014 By Castimonia

Kansas City Man Charged With Sex Trafficking and Child Porn

July 17
By MARK MORRIS
The Kansas City Star

A Kansas City man sexually abused two minor girls, using both to produce child pornography and prostituting one of them, a federal grand jury alleged this week.

Michael Dye, 46, purportedly made more than $200,000 on the scheme, which included fees to watch the girls sexually perform in online webcasts and gifts of cash, vehicles, appliances and remodeling projects at Dye’s home, prosecutors alleged.And once,  Dye threatened one of his victims that he would have her and her family killed if she ever told anyone about the abuse, prosecutors alleged.The charges alleged that Dye used two children to produce child porn between June 2005 and August 2008. Dye also allegedly prostituted one of the children between June 2005 and August 2007, prosecutors said.

The grand jury returned the sealed indictment on Tuesday, and it was opened Wednesday after his initial court appearance. Prosecutors have asked that Dye be jailed without bond pending his trial because they said he is likely to flee and is a threat to his victims.

Prosecutors alleged that after an interview with authorities in late 2012, Dye began to drive past  one of his victim’s homes.

“The minor victim advised that there is no reason why Dye would be driving by their home with that frequency unless it was to keep an eye on them and see whether they were meeting any more with law enforcement,” the detention motion stated.

Officials also alleged that Dye was a danger to himself, noting that Dye attempted suicide after being extensively questioned  four years ago.

“Dye has made numerous statements to the minor victims that rather than spend a lengthy time in jail he would instead commit suicide,” the detention motion stated.

Dye is charged with two counts of producing child pornography, two counts of selling child pornography and one count each of child sex trafficking and grooming a child to participate in child pornography.

If convicted on all counts, he faces a minimum of 15 years in prison and could be sentenced up to life.

Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/2013/07/17/4350568/kc-man-charged-with-sex-trafficking.html

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: call girls, castimonia, child abuse, child porn, child pornography, child sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, escorts, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, pornography, prostitute, ptsd, purity, Sex, sex addict, sex partners, sexual impurity, sexual purity, STD, trafficking, trauma

May 1, 2014 By Castimonia

Roger’s Story (Video)

Roger’s journey of recovery has allowed him to face the pain of his childhood sexual abuse and to see how much of his acting out was an attempt to prove that he had what it took to be a man.

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts, Videos Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, child sex abuse, child sexual abuse, childhood abuse, christian, Emotions, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, prostitute, prostitutes, ptsd, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

April 8, 2014 By Castimonia

Finding Help

For those men who have been sexually abused as a child, I encourage you to attend our Barrayo meeting on Tuesday nights in Sugar Land.  Please contact Barrayo@merimnao.org for more details.

abused-boy

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience a range of emotions and effects that impact many aspects of their adult lives:

Anger ,Shame, Guilt, Depression, Anxiety, Denial and minimizing, Difficulty in trusting others, Sexual difficulties, Difficulties with relationships, Flashbacks, Memory disorders, Self-blame and self-doubt, Physical health problems, Eating disorders, [and] Substance abuse. Any or all of these aftereffects can combine to produce feelings of depression, isolation and hopelessness. All of these feelings and reactions are normal responses to traumatic experiences. Acknowledging the pain can be the first step in working through the abuse. You deserve support in healing from childhood sexual abuse. You have the right to be believed and listened to, and to express your feelings about the abuse.

Remember:

• You are not alone, and you can get help finding support for all of the ways that childhood abuse impacts your life.

• Local rape crisis centers have information on how to begin healing from your trauma. You can talk to someone over the phone or the center may offer individual counseling and support groups to assist you on the path to recovery. They can offer you referrals for social services or for legal help, too.

• There are many ways to heal from childhood abuse. A counselor can help you create a healing plan that meets your individual needs.

• Help is also available for the important people in your life. Your spouse or partner, friends, family members, children or others may want to seek information so that they can understand your needs and challenges.

• There are people who will listen to you, who understand, and who will help you on your recovery path. You are not alone.
http://www.miamidade.gov/police/victim-adult-victims.asp

“The most important thing in defining child sexual abuse is the experience of the child. It takes very little for a child’s world to be devastated.” – Laura Hough

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, castimonia, child abuse, child sex abuse, child sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, healing, Jesus Christ, masturbation, porn, pornography, ptsd, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, trauma

April 6, 2014 By Castimonia

Adult Victims of Child Sexual Abuse

For those men who have been sexually abused as a child, I encourage you to attend our Barrayo meeting on Tuesday nights in Sugar Land.  Please contact Barrayo@merimnao.org for more details.

gty_boy_rear_view_jt_111120_wgThe sexual abuse of children spans all races, ages, ethnic groups and economic backgrounds. Sexual abuse means any kind of unwanted or inappropriate sexual behavior with a child, whether or not there is actual physical contact. Tragically, this kind of abuse is not rare; studies estimate that one in four girls and one in seven boys are sexually abused as children. Abusers can be family members, friends of the family, authority figures or strangers. It is impossible to tell if someone is an abuser by simply looking – they may be someone who is highly respected in society and who has a good reputation. Most child victims knew and trusted the people who abused them. Children are absolutely dependent on adults for their physical and emotional survival, and abusers have many ways of wielding this power over children. Abusers may use threats to coerce children, such as the threat of harm to them or their loved ones and withholding of love and affection. They may tell a child that he or she is special, that the abuse is a way to show love for the child, or that the child is responsible for the abuse. If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it is important to remember that no matter what you may have been told, the abuse was not your fault and you are not alone.

http://www.miamidade.gov/police/victim-adult-victims.asp

Filed Under: Sexual Purity Posts Tagged With: addiction, affair, Affairs, anonymous sex partners, call girls, castimonia, child abuse, child sexual abuse, childhood sexual abuse, christian, escorts, father wound, gratification, healing, human trafficking, Intimacy, Jesus Christ, lust, masturbation, porn, porn star, pornography, pornstar, pornstars, prostitute, prostitutes, purity, recovery, Sex, sex addict, sex addiction, sex partners, sexual, sexual addiction, sexual impurity, sexual purity, spouses, STD, strippers, trauma

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This site is intended for individuals who struggle with maintaining sexual purity. This information is posted for individuals at various stages in their recovery, year 1 to year 30+; what applies to some, may not apply others. Spouses are encouraged to read this blog with the caveat that they may not agree with, understand, or know the reason for some items posted. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

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