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Resistance To Unpleasantness

Resistance To Unpleasantness
Because codependents consistently put others’ needs ahead of their own, they often believe that they are “nice” people. “I’m doing what everybody wants me to do,” you tell yourself, “so why do I get mistreated so much of the time?” If you are codependent, it probably doesn’t make sense to you that you are being treated abusively by the very people you are trying so hard to accommodate! But the truth may be that you are not really as “nice” as you would like to believe you are, because you are not saying yes to everyone else just to be kind to them. Nor do you do more than your fair share of tasks because you truly want to be of service over and over without any kind of reciprocal arrangement. When you say yes (especially when you really want to say NO), you are actually protecting yourself from having to face the potentially painful consequences that can result when someone is angry or disappointed with you for not agreeing to do what they want you to do. Even though you are really trying to look out for yourself by side-stepping these negative outcomes, which could be seen as a self-caring intention, it is unfortunately not a healthy form of self-care when it is done out of resistance to unpleasantness. by Candace Plattor, M.A.

http://www.candaceplattor.com/articles/recovering_from_codependency.htm

“As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed.” –   Vincent Van Gogh

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An Endless Pattern

An Endless Pattern

I’ve known numerous men who have been in relationships with clingy, needy, overly emotional, jealous, and controlling women. These men are frustrated with what they perceive as their girlfriend’s flaws. They often don’t realize that their own behavior is contributing to the unhealthy relationship and allowing it to persist. When a man stays in a relationships with a clingy, jealous, critical partner, he feels dependent on her approval. Any man with a high level of self-esteem and healthy attitude towards relationships would not tolerate such a relationship. He’d either take action to stop the pattern, or simply leave. Men who get stuck in a codependent relationship, on the other hand, end up pursuing an endless pattern of trying to please their partner, and feeling frustrated when their desire for freedom conflicts with their partners need for rigid conformity to her needy patterns of behavior. Michael S. Freeman

“Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.” – Leo Buscaglia

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Isn’t It Ironic?

Isn’t It Ironic?

The dilemmas of codependent men aren’t talked about. Unlike women, men don’t discuss their relationship problems with friends and family. Instead, they internalize their pain. Many are in denial, suffer in silence, or become numb to their needs and feelings. They shun attention and try to do the right thing and be good sons, husbands, and fathers, focusing instead on making a living and meeting the needs of their wives and children. These codependent men sacrifice themselves and believe that their needs, including the need for time away from their wives, are selfish. Societal and cultural values have shamed men as weak for expressing feelings or needs, which reinforces codependent traits of control, suppression of feelings, and denial of needs. Often they turn to addiction in order to cope. Darlene Lancer, M.A., MFT, J.D.

Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones that adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones that love us. Unknown

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Substitute For True Feelings

Substitute For True Feelings

One of the dangerous aspects of codependency is the fact that codependents will often substitute physical love for actual love — in other words, accepting sex as a substitute for true feelings. This can lead to undesirable sexual circumstances, when the desire for sex overcomes a person’s “judgment”, and all of the harmful effects of promiscuous sex begin to appear: STDs, unplanned pregnancy, feelings of rejection, etc. These ‘symptoms’ of codependency can push the codependent even further into their mental instability. Besides impact on their own lives, codependent people can negatively affect those around them, attempting to ‘control’ various aspects of their friends and loved one’s lives. A common belief among most people unaware of their codependence is that “other people are incapable of taking care of themselves”. This is a simple case of projection, whereby the codependents feelings about themselves are reflected onto their opinion of other people, perhaps so that they feel more normal. This feeling, however, leads to some truly harmful behavior, such as bullying people into thinking the way a codependent thinks they “should” feel. A codependent may constantly offer advice, even when it is unwanted, or give money and gifts to friends to win their approval. The fact is that the codependent feels he or she has to be “needed” in order to have a healthy relationship with another person. Codependency is a serious issue, affecting the mental health and well-being of everyone around codependent people, not just the individual themselves. By Will Roby from http://www.askdeb.com/love/codependent/

“There is no such thing as a good influence. Because to influence a person is to give him one’s own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such thing as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.” – Oscar Wilde

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Miley Cyrus Is Not News

By , August 28, 2013
http://intentionalwarriors.com/2013/08/28/miley-cyrus-is-not-news/

unknownAfter a day of reading various reports of Miley Cyrus’ antics at the MTV Video Music Awards, i can say with pleasure that I am so very glad I didn’t watch it.

But more than that it’s time to also say this: Miley Cyrus’ performance is not news. It’s tragic, disgusting and shameful. But it’s not news.

There is nothing new about it. There is nothing newsworthy about it.

Was it shocking? From what i read i would have to say, “Yes” — and “No.”

Why?

Because we live in a hyper-sexualized, pornified world. And given that our culture is molded by pornography, it is not news when people act out in a pornographic fashion. We, as a society, have given ourselves over to gratifying the lusts of our flesh — whether that’s in the name of entertainment or in the privacy of our individual lives.

So when the information world explodes with story after story about something like Miley’s performance at the VMAs — much like Beyonce’s at the Super Bowl halftime show this past winter — we have to ask a few questions.

First, why are we treating this as news? Second, is the coverage of this event actually an intelligent discussion, or is it merely feigned shock and horror which is actually celebrating what happened by pretending to “report” on it which in turn simply promotes what happened? Third, was this the only sexual performance of the night at the VMAs?

I seriously doubt it was.

But the most important questions, truly, are ones the information world will not even touch.

Questions such as: If we are actually shocked at Miley’s performance, what is it that shocks you?  If her actions “cross a line,” what is that line? If you feel a line has been crossed, what will you do about it?

And for me  the most important questions are these: Christian brothers and sisters, what are you doing to remain free from the corruption that is in the world with regard to sexuality? How many of you watched that Miley Cyrus debacle and did so without a twinge of discomfort?

In a pornified world we shouldn’t be surprised when people act like porn stars. Instead, we need to encourage one another on to a higher and better life.