CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

trauma

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RAPE FOR PROFIT – Trailer

I saw this 6 minute film trailer a while back.  I was reluctant to post it because a few of the short scenes concerning prostitution (no nudity, etc…) may be triggering to some sexual addicts early in recovery.  I hope that they can look past it and watch this trailer.  At a minimum, skip to the 5:06 mark and listen to what Melinda Giovengo, Executive Director of Youth Care, has to say about the reality of prostitution.  Also, at the 1:50 mark, you can hear a man who knows he has a problem, but hasn’t identified his sexual addiction and the explanation on “why” he did the things he did even though he didn’t want to “hurt people.”

This project is a raw look at prostitution and trafficking in Seattle, one of the busiest hubs for trafficking of women and girls in the US.  With footage taken on the streets of commercial sexual exploitation as it happens, as well as interviews of leading experts on prostitution and pornography, the Rape For Profit team exposes the viewer to the utter depravity and degradation of commercial sex in our communities.

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Castimonia Thursday Night Meeting

Just a reminder to everyone that we are starting a third weekly Castimonia meeting on Thursday nights!  The meeting will be held “off campus” at another church who was gracious enough to donate one of their rooms for this Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery group!

I look forward to seeing you this Thursday night!

Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group
Time: Thursday Nights, 7:00PM – 8:30PM
Location: Grace Fellowship United Methodist Church – Epicentre Youth Building, Room 213
2655 South Mason Road
Katy, TX  77450
281.646.1903

  
Map to Church                            Campus Map

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Castimonia Meeting Topic April – Working Step 4

Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.” (Lamentations 3:40)

Have you ever seen the movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark” particularly the end scene in the movie?  This is the scene where a warehouse caretaker slowly rolls the Ark, now placed in a wooden crate, down an aisle and over to an unmarked section of a gigantic warehouse full of other wooden crates.  It is a great picture of the warehouse we have stored inside.  I’m sure the caretaker has written down every crate, it’s location, and its content and can easily find the needed crate when required.  Can you imagine if the caretaker did not write down this information and only did it by memory?  The Ark would be lost forever!

In understanding Step 4, we need to realize that Step 4 is a written inventory, not just one we think about.  We take time to write down all this information we discover about ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit and our friends in recovery.

A great Step 4 format I like to use is available in our resources section on Castimonia.org.  It is taken from royy.com and was produced by various Alcoholics Anonymous members.  I will discuss this format of working a proper Step 4.

Click here for the Step 4 PDF file

The first part of the inventory is our checklist of Flaws and Assets.  We select which flaws (also known as Character Defects) we currently are aware of and ask others to help us determine other flaws they see in us.  We also select our character assets as seen by ourselves and by others.  It is important not to bury ourselves in the negative of our character flaws; we must understand that we also have character assets!  Typically, we select double the amount of assets as we do flaws so as to not beat ourselves up over our defects of character.  The sheets have room for 12 flaws and 24 assets.

We then begin with the review of our flaws.  We list the specific flaw (or group of flaws if synonymous) and then we give an example of when this flaw came up in our lives.  For example, if we were impatient, we clearly describe when we were impatient, what happened, why we reacted with impatience.  The more thorough the description, the better the results.

After we write in our top 12 character flaws, we begin with our character assets.  Again, we list the asset and then give a clear description of how we used that asset and the circumstances surrounding it.  Perhaps we list brave as a character asset.  In giving an example of this asset, we can describe the first time we attended Castimonia or another sexual recovery meeting!  Again, the more thorough the description, the better the results.

In the next section, we tackle what is one of the most important issues we will face in working our recovery – our resentments!  In working a Step 4 inventory on our resentments, we are able to properly list out the resentment, give specifics about why we are resentful, and then in Column 3 describe in detail how it affects us personally (self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal relationships, sex relations). However, Column 4 is perhaps the most important column in this Step 4 resentment inventory. In Column 4, we describe where we are wrong in holding onto this resentment. We list where we were being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened and thus held onto this resentment.  A thorough explanation can be found on the worksheet linked at the beginning of this post as well as from your sponsor.

After writing down all of our resentments and why we were wrong in holding on to them, we begin our list of fears.  Fear can be a very strong driving force in our addiction.  I once heard fear used as an acronym – Future/False Events Appearing Real.  In other words, things that have not yet occurred in real life, will definitely occur or have already occurred – in our minds!  There is a list of fears written on the preceding page, however, you can list others if you need.  I used the image of the creature from the movie Alien to represent something absurd I fear, something totally and completely in my mind.  I fear this creature even though it never existed.  There are of course, more realistic fears in life, financial, health, family, relationships, but again, most of our fear comes from our own minds and are things out of our control and can cripple us if we allow it.

Finally, we reach the last section of the worksheet.  This is something we are very familiar with in that we have looked at this problem in our 1st Step.  However, here we can tie in more specific reasons or feelings surrounding our sexual misconduct.  This will help us when we make a list of persons we had harmed in Step 8 and make amends in Step 9.

For today’s topic, I read through two books, The Twelve Steps for Christians and the Sex Addicts Anonymous Green Book as well as reviewed the Step 4 Inventory Workbook.  I like to read from both books because they are both extremely insightful.  The Twelve Steps for Christians touches my Christian roots and the SAA Green Book deals specifically with my sex addiction recovery.  The Step 4 Inventory workbook is one of the better, free, workbooks I have used.  I use this workbook whenever I need to work Steps 4 and 5.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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The Elephant in the Room

An article written by one of our ministry leaders on understanding the trauma inflicted on our partners due to our sexual impurity issues.

The Elephant in the Room
By Jeff Hutchinson

It’s happened to all of us. The week has been going great, no talk of addiction, no questions, and she is even smiling. Then it happens. You may be in a restaurant, driving in your car, or watching TV….an attractive women walks past the table, you pass a certain road or part of town, or some lewd commercial comes on while you’re watching the ABC Family Network of all things. Whatever it may be, your once happy ignorant bliss is now covered in a thick heavy blanket of unease, making it hard for you to breathe while beads of sweat appear on your forehead. You noticed it; and regardless if you bounced your eyes, took a second look, drifted off into fantasy or turned away and captured your thoughts as Paul instructs us to do, Dumbo is now flying around.

Is she aware of what has just happened? Well, it’s not so difficult to notice an elephant with big ears flying around. If you’re a Star Wars fan you can equate it to a disturbance in the force. Still, as obvious as it is, we remain silent. We think that if we don’t acknowledge it we can somehow return to the way things were two seconds ago. Two seconds ago when she was happy. What the heck just happened? Just like you have certain triggers, so does your wife. And as sure as your triggers bring up things for you, so do hers.

I can’t really put into words the trauma our wives have endured. As a man I can’t even fathom it. If someone were to tell me to try and put myself in her place I simply couldn’t do it. If I’m honest with myself, and I think about if the table had been turned, I don’t think I would stay. I don’t know that I could bear the pain. Understanding the grace that our wives have extended us is a very difficult concept. The strength that it must take to persevere while being bombarded by constant reminders, nightmares, and visions is foreign to me. If you’re like me, I needed to “get it”. I had to try my best with my male brain to empathize, not only with what my wife has been through, but with what was happening to my wife during these times when she was triggered.

In Vietnam many American soldiers were subjected to horrible trauma, some were taken prisoner, and many who returned suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). At the time PTSD was not mainstream, causing our vets to become isolated. Many soldiers thought it was weakness on their part. We’ve all seen the movies where a soldier has a flashback that manifests with intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating, hypervigilence). Movies like Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, and Born on the Fourth of July give us a visual image of what PTSD looks like. These movies unleash the inner mindset of combat veterans trying their best to cope with the trauma of war. Characters clearly exhibit classic symptoms of PTSD such as uncontrollable anger, emotional numbing, denial, keyed up startle responses, an interest in recreating traumatizing events, and substance abuse. Likewise, our wives often experience symptoms of PTSD.

Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., and Marsha Means, MA address “The Trauma Perspective” in their book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. “Prior to this discovery the person believed his or her partner loved only him or her and remained faithful. Suddenly their relationship holds danger and dark secrets. Discovering that much of your life is built on lies proves traumatizing and destroys one’s sense of safety and security”. Why can we accept this in others, but not in our wives? As husbands we have to be aware of what is going on and do whatever we can to help.

Insecurity vs. trust- It is ludicrous for us to believe that because our wives go into a defensive position every time they are reminded of our acting out, that they are “just being insecure”.

If you have some strange notion that just because it’s been six months or even five years and you feel she should be “over it” by now, then I want you to be honest and think back to some traumatic event that happened in your life and ask yourself how long it took you to get over it. Most of us have never had to deal with our issues sober, so next time you think that she should be “over it” think back to that one issue that you’re still not over. Remember we’ve had our “drug” to help cope. She’s doing this sober (hopefully), scared, alone, and shattered; fearing the worst while praying for the best. Don’t allow things to become obscured. It’s easy to look at how far you’ve come in your recovery and feel really good about yourself. I know about resentment and how it’s easy to feel like she’s not seeing any change. To me it seemed as if every time I was really making progress she would bring something up. I hated it; I didn’t want to revisit all the horrible things I had done. I assumed that she could just see that I was a changed man. I was under the delusion that trust could be built over night……it can’t.

Fear can be crippling. I remember feeling frozen when some of the truth about my addiction first came out. Even in the face of hard evidence, when my wife was pleading with me to tell her the truth, I couldn’t do it. So by telling you this let me say emphatically how much I understand the overwhelming urge to keep the peace and stay silent. It’s critical for us to empathize with our wife, and during her time of need, overcome your fears. All of us have a protective instinct. We just have to realize when our wives are in danger.

So how do we come to her aid? Communicate. Let me say that again… communicate. This is scary but vital. For most of us, male and female, the fear of the unknown is terrifying. That’s what your wife is struggling with. “How can he say he loves me and still look at other women?” or “Why am I not enough for him?” or “Is he fantasizing about that woman right now?”. These are but a few of the questions that have been posed to me in my own marriage. Men, you are going to see beautiful women, just as you are going to see nature’s beauty. I do not believe this is a sin, however let me be clear the fact that we are visually drawn to women does not make it ok to linger or give into lust.

So, when you feel the flapping of giant ears around you, become proactive! Reject passivity! Be the man your wife wants you to be, the man God has designed you to be (see 1 Timothy 1:11-12). It can be as simple as taking her hand in yours and giving it a light squeeze to let her know you are aware of what just happened or it can be as difficult as answering all her questions. Be ready, and be honest. The most important thing I’ve learned in my recovery is to be honest and forthright. If my wife asks me if I noticed a women I have to acknowledge if I did or didn’t. If she wants to know if I thought the woman was attractive….yes or no? It’s natural for us to want to avoid hurting our wives feelings but the honesty you provide will far outweigh the moments of discomfort. It’s your job to fill in the blanks. This will not be a pleasant experience but I am almost certain your wife will appreciate your honesty. Support her, comfort her, ask questions, and ask if you can pray with her……communicate. Destroy the fear of the unknown, break the silence, and watch Dumbo fly away.

Read more of Jeff’s material at http://www.caribouministries.com/