CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Ask Us: Common Questions Asked by Partners of Sex Addicts

Originally posted at: https://sexaddictionpartners.wordpress.com/2021/02/20/ask-us-common-questions-asked-by-partners-of-sex-addicts/

Below are some questions we’re often asked when spouses learn that their partner has a sex addiction – a very distressing and disorienting experience.

1. Is it possible to identify when the addiction began?

The majority of guys say they stumbled upon porn, or were actively shown porn, at around 10 years of age. They remember the adrenalin rush they experienced, and the powerful pull to view more images, or to watch more videos.

2. Why did my partner hide it from me?Why did he choose to lie and deceive me?

Although guys know lots of people look at porn all the time, they’re usually convinced that their partner will be shocked. And their greatest fear is that you’ll walk away.

So, coming clean with you feels incredibly threatening. They’re terrified they’ll lose you, and their life will fall apart. There is also shame and guilt around a sex addiction being negatively judged by society. All of this adds to the need for secrecy.

3. How much do I need to know about the past, and his level of involvement?

If you work with a counsellor on a formal disclosure, your partner will be asked to list everything he’s been involved in (pornography, webcams, dating sites and apps, sensual massages, escorts, prostitutes, emotional affairs, etc.). He’ll also be asked to put dates to these behaviours, and to be honest about the frequency.

It is important that you know the extent of the addiction, and to also be aware of what you might have been exposed to (STDs etc.). However, most counsellors discourage pushing too hard for specific details (What was she wearing? What was her figure like? What exactly did you do?) The reason? Once you have those pictures in your mind, it’s almost impossible to extricate them. Hence, they can intensify your suffering and become extremely powerful triggers.

4.  What was going through his mind, as he became more and more addicted?

Feelings of guilt and shame intensify – because of what he’s doing and the double life he’s leading. One way to deal with this, and to cope with life in general, is to compartmentalize, and deny he has a problem. This is a very common coping strategy.

In reality, most addicts want to stop eventually. They want to gain control of their lives. They tell themselves repeatedly that: “This is the last time.” But because they are addicted, they get drawn in again.

5. What is the turning point; what makes the addict come clean?

Very few guys come clean on their own. Most of them are caught by their wife or their boss. Sometimes they are blackmailed, or an affair partner threatens to reveal their secret. This is usually a crisis for the addict.

Saying that, very few addicts reveal everything at first. They admit to the minimum they think they can get away with. Then they drip feed the truth over weeks, months, or years. This adds to the trauma for the partner or spouse.

6. What could I have done to stop this happening?

Nothing. In almost every case, we find the partner was a user, and was going down this road, before they met their spouse or partner. The most important thing to take away from all of this is: you didn’t play a part. It was not your fault AT ALL.

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12-Week Partner Recovery Group

If you are married to a man who struggles with compulsive sexual behaviors, you are not alone. You’ve suffered life-changing betrayal and it’s not your fault. Healing is possible. Let us show you how.

Join with other women who are on the same journey and see the difference that a community of support along with experienced coaching can make in your quest for recovery.

A new 12-week online group begins Monday evening, September 14.

For more information, call or text Beth at 941-526-4694, email Beth@TheresStillHope.org, or click the link below to sign up.

Spouse Group Sign-up

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The Elephant in the Room

An article written by one of our ministry leaders on understanding the trauma inflicted on our partners due to our sexual impurity issues.

The Elephant in the Room
By Jeff Hutchinson

It’s happened to all of us. The week has been going great, no talk of addiction, no questions, and she is even smiling. Then it happens. You may be in a restaurant, driving in your car, or watching TV….an attractive women walks past the table, you pass a certain road or part of town, or some lewd commercial comes on while you’re watching the ABC Family Network of all things. Whatever it may be, your once happy ignorant bliss is now covered in a thick heavy blanket of unease, making it hard for you to breathe while beads of sweat appear on your forehead. You noticed it; and regardless if you bounced your eyes, took a second look, drifted off into fantasy or turned away and captured your thoughts as Paul instructs us to do, Dumbo is now flying around.

Is she aware of what has just happened? Well, it’s not so difficult to notice an elephant with big ears flying around. If you’re a Star Wars fan you can equate it to a disturbance in the force. Still, as obvious as it is, we remain silent. We think that if we don’t acknowledge it we can somehow return to the way things were two seconds ago. Two seconds ago when she was happy. What the heck just happened? Just like you have certain triggers, so does your wife. And as sure as your triggers bring up things for you, so do hers.

I can’t really put into words the trauma our wives have endured. As a man I can’t even fathom it. If someone were to tell me to try and put myself in her place I simply couldn’t do it. If I’m honest with myself, and I think about if the table had been turned, I don’t think I would stay. I don’t know that I could bear the pain. Understanding the grace that our wives have extended us is a very difficult concept. The strength that it must take to persevere while being bombarded by constant reminders, nightmares, and visions is foreign to me. If you’re like me, I needed to “get it”. I had to try my best with my male brain to empathize, not only with what my wife has been through, but with what was happening to my wife during these times when she was triggered.

In Vietnam many American soldiers were subjected to horrible trauma, some were taken prisoner, and many who returned suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). At the time PTSD was not mainstream, causing our vets to become isolated. Many soldiers thought it was weakness on their part. We’ve all seen the movies where a soldier has a flashback that manifests with intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating, hypervigilence). Movies like Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, and Born on the Fourth of July give us a visual image of what PTSD looks like. These movies unleash the inner mindset of combat veterans trying their best to cope with the trauma of war. Characters clearly exhibit classic symptoms of PTSD such as uncontrollable anger, emotional numbing, denial, keyed up startle responses, an interest in recreating traumatizing events, and substance abuse. Likewise, our wives often experience symptoms of PTSD.

Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., and Marsha Means, MA address “The Trauma Perspective” in their book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. “Prior to this discovery the person believed his or her partner loved only him or her and remained faithful. Suddenly their relationship holds danger and dark secrets. Discovering that much of your life is built on lies proves traumatizing and destroys one’s sense of safety and security”. Why can we accept this in others, but not in our wives? As husbands we have to be aware of what is going on and do whatever we can to help.

Insecurity vs. trust- It is ludicrous for us to believe that because our wives go into a defensive position every time they are reminded of our acting out, that they are “just being insecure”.

If you have some strange notion that just because it’s been six months or even five years and you feel she should be “over it” by now, then I want you to be honest and think back to some traumatic event that happened in your life and ask yourself how long it took you to get over it. Most of us have never had to deal with our issues sober, so next time you think that she should be “over it” think back to that one issue that you’re still not over. Remember we’ve had our “drug” to help cope. She’s doing this sober (hopefully), scared, alone, and shattered; fearing the worst while praying for the best. Don’t allow things to become obscured. It’s easy to look at how far you’ve come in your recovery and feel really good about yourself. I know about resentment and how it’s easy to feel like she’s not seeing any change. To me it seemed as if every time I was really making progress she would bring something up. I hated it; I didn’t want to revisit all the horrible things I had done. I assumed that she could just see that I was a changed man. I was under the delusion that trust could be built over night……it can’t.

Fear can be crippling. I remember feeling frozen when some of the truth about my addiction first came out. Even in the face of hard evidence, when my wife was pleading with me to tell her the truth, I couldn’t do it. So by telling you this let me say emphatically how much I understand the overwhelming urge to keep the peace and stay silent. It’s critical for us to empathize with our wife, and during her time of need, overcome your fears. All of us have a protective instinct. We just have to realize when our wives are in danger.

So how do we come to her aid? Communicate. Let me say that again… communicate. This is scary but vital. For most of us, male and female, the fear of the unknown is terrifying. That’s what your wife is struggling with. “How can he say he loves me and still look at other women?” or “Why am I not enough for him?” or “Is he fantasizing about that woman right now?”. These are but a few of the questions that have been posed to me in my own marriage. Men, you are going to see beautiful women, just as you are going to see nature’s beauty. I do not believe this is a sin, however let me be clear the fact that we are visually drawn to women does not make it ok to linger or give into lust.

So, when you feel the flapping of giant ears around you, become proactive! Reject passivity! Be the man your wife wants you to be, the man God has designed you to be (see 1 Timothy 1:11-12). It can be as simple as taking her hand in yours and giving it a light squeeze to let her know you are aware of what just happened or it can be as difficult as answering all her questions. Be ready, and be honest. The most important thing I’ve learned in my recovery is to be honest and forthright. If my wife asks me if I noticed a women I have to acknowledge if I did or didn’t. If she wants to know if I thought the woman was attractive….yes or no? It’s natural for us to want to avoid hurting our wives feelings but the honesty you provide will far outweigh the moments of discomfort. It’s your job to fill in the blanks. This will not be a pleasant experience but I am almost certain your wife will appreciate your honesty. Support her, comfort her, ask questions, and ask if you can pray with her……communicate. Destroy the fear of the unknown, break the silence, and watch Dumbo fly away.

Read more of Jeff’s material at http://www.caribouministries.com/