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Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Is Complying the Same as Lying?

1 John 4:18 – ““Fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.””

Many Christians fear that setting and keeping limits signals rebellion or disobedience. In religious circles you’ll often hear statements such as, “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart.” Because of this myth, countless individuals remain trapped in endless activities of no genuine spiritual and emotional value.

The truth is life-changing: a lack of boundaries is often a sign of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside. They would like to be able to say no, but are afraid. So they cover their fear with a half-hearted yes.

Take Barry for example. He had almost made it to his car after church when Ken caught up with him. Here goes, Barry thought. Maybe I can still get out of this one.

“Barry!” Ken boomed. “Glad I caught you!” The singles class officer in charge of Bible studies, Ken was a dedicated recruiter to the studies he presided over; however, he was often insensitive to the fact that not everyone wanted to attend his meetings.

“So which study can I put you down for, Barry? The one on prophecy, evangelism, or Mark?”

Barry thought desperately to himself. I could say, “None of the above interest me. Don’t call me—I’ll call you.” But he’s a ranking officer in the singles class. He could jeopardize my relationships with others in the group. I wonder which class will be the shortest? “How about the one on prophecy?” Barry guessed. He was wrong.

“Great! We’ll be studying end times for the next eighteen months! See you Monday.” Ken walked off triumphantly.

Let’s take a look at what just happened. Barry avoided saying no to Ken. At first glance, it looks like he made a choice for obedience. He committed himself to a Bible study. That’s a good thing, right? Absolutely.

But take a second look. What were Barry’s motives for not saying no to Ken? What were the thoughts and attitudes of his heart? Fear. Barry was afraid of Ken’s political clout in the singles group. He feared that he would lose other relationships if he disappointed Ken.

Why is this important? Because it illustrates a biblical principle: an internal no nullifies an external yes.

God is more concerned with our hearts than he is with our outward compliance. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hosea 6:6).

In other words, if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no. Do you really think Barry will finish out his 18 months with Ken’s Bible study? The odds are that some priority will arise to sabotage Barry’s commitment, and he’ll leave — but without telling Ken the real reason why.

Here’s a good way to look at this myth that boundaries are a sign of disobedience: If we can’t say no, we can’t say yes. Why is this? It has to do with our motivation to obey, to love, or to be responsible. We must always say yes out of a heart of love. When our motive is fear, we love not.

The Bible tells us how to be obedient in 2 Corithians 9:7, “Each of you must give as you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

Look at the first two ways of giving: “reluctantly” and “under compulsion.” They both involve fear—either of a real person or a guilty conscience. These motives can’t exist side by side with love, because “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts our fear” (1 John 4:18). Each of us must give as we have made up our minds. When we are afraid to say no, our yes is compromised.

God has no interest in our obeying out of fear because, “Fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). God wants a response of love.

Are boundaries a sign of disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a “no” helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

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Journal Through Recovery Entry 41: The Empty Chair

The empty chair in the middle of our circle awaits the return of those members who are currently suffering the consequences of their addiction …

Part of the script the facilitator reads for each of our 12 step meetings discusses the empty chair in the center of the circle we set up in the middle of the room.  I am sure many of us have been in groups, Bible studies, discussions and meetings that are in a circle. Our circle in our groups is different. We put a chair in the middle. As a reminder.

Its a reminder to me. To where I was just a few months ago. Or more accurately where I wasn’t. I wasn’t in recovery. I wasn’t in a place where I gave God my life and my will. I wasn’t rigorously honest. I wasn’t in community or anywhere else but deep in shame. I was seeking to fill my abandonment and need for fulfillment in any way I could find. Just not in the one way that could stand a chance of meeting my needs.

The empty chair awaits the return of those in prison. I could have been that person. I don’t know how I wasn’t. The times I lied, stole, sought out fulfillment illegally. The near misses. The multiple times I could have been that member.

The empty chair awaits the return of those who are still in search of their rock bottom. I came to these meetings after thinking I was at my rock bottom. Only I wasn’t willing to be completely honest. I hadn’t gotten to that place of desperation where I was willing to turn all of my life and will over to God. Where I knew that death was the only other option. So I was the one. I was still searching for my bottom.

I didn’t know that there were people (specifically my brother and his wife) who were praying for me to be exposed. They knew I wasn’t being honest. They knew I hadn’t bottomed out. My brother is in recovery. He knows what bottom is. He knew I hadn’t gotten there yet. So he continued to do what he knew would work. He prayed for God to expose my lies and my secrets. And that is what happened.

The empty chair is there to remind all present the loss of those whose disease drove them to take their own lives. I could have been that person. And honestly I know that is what awaits me outside of recovery. Whether it is through the overt act of taking my own life or that I separate myself from God, my wife, my kids, and community. Separation and isolation for me leads to death.

Being on the other side of the circle, not being the empty chair, is much different than I thought. I don’t think I know more than people outside of recovery. I don’t think I am a Pharisee and they are a tax collector or thief or adulterer. I just know they are still seeking their bottom. I have found mine. I pray for the people I know that aren’t in recovery that are struggling with all forms of addiction and brokenness and compulsions. I pray they find their bottom. And that when they do, they find what I found. Grace and mercy.

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Journal Through Recovery – Bonus Podcast Episode #12

Enough with Intimacy Already! I am really getting weary of practicing intimacy. I suck at it. However, I keep getting more opportunities to practice.

 

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What Ron Swanson Does When He Sees Porn on His Phone …..

Another lesson learned from Ron Swanson!

ron-swanson-phone

And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into the eternal fire.  And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire.

Matthew 18:8-9

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A Word for the Discouraged

A word for the discouraged

by Humble servant

The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, to guide and to shield me],
I shall not want.
2 He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still and quiet waters.
3 He refreshes and restores my soul (life);
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
for His name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the [sunless] [a]valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort and console me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You have anointed and refreshed my head with [b]oil;
My cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell forever [throughout all my days] in the house and in the presence of the Lord. Psalm 23

Discouragement is a natural part of the Christian journey.  Young Christians when they are growing in their faith and experience discouragement for the first time often feel overwhelmed and often want to ask the question “has God left me”.

One thing  we come to understand as we grow in our relationship with God is exactly where discouragement comes from.  It comes from the mouth and the heart of the enemy.  Discouragement is actually built upon the lies of the enemy because it speaks of something that is not true.

One thing we know from God’s word as we study His word and meditate upon His word is that His promises are true and that He is faithful to accomplish His will and His plans.  He has created all of us with a plan and destiny and as we simply walk with Him on a daily basis He will fulfill His plans and His purposes in our lives.

But often times in our humanity we are led by our emotions and we allow our feelings to drive how we see the world around us.  The enemy will always try to overwhelm us with discouragement and fear as we grow deeper in our relationship with God.  The last thing he wants is someone walking in deep intimacy with Jesus Christ.  But what he fails to understand is that every time he attacks the Lord uses it to strengthen us and refine us.

The key is not withdrawing when we feel discouraged, but engaging and drawing near to the Lord.  The Lord desires to strengthen us and carry us through every trial and challenge we will face in our lives.  Many times in our pride we try to overcome things in our own strength and as a result we end up feeling overwhelmed and beat up.  But the Lord has designed it this way so that we would let go of our own strength and power and simply learn to rely fully upon Him.

His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  Today if you are discouraged know that you are not alone.  Know that the Lord walks with you and that you simply need to ask Him for strength and for wisdom.  He will fulfill every plan and purpose He has created you for.  Simply stand upon His word and trust Him one step at a time.

Heavenly Father I come to you and ask you to move on the hearts of all those who are discouraged this day.  Father I ask that you would encourage them and strengthen them in you.  Father I pray you would give them eyes to see and ears to hear.  That they would come to understand the process of growth with you and understand that the challenges they face now are the preparation for the destiny you have for them tomorrow.  I pray Father you would lead them one step at a time and that you would surround them with your peace and your presence.  In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.