CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Journey of Hope Retreat #15

Journey of Hope Retreat #15

For those that are not familiar with this retreat, I am presenting a short write-up on my overall experience.  Because of how powerful of an experience this retreat can be for those of us who struggle with sexual purity, I cannot go into specific details about what actually happens at the retreat, what is said at the retreat, or who is at the retreat (other than Dr. Milton Magness, one of the country’s top sexual addiction therapists, who organizes the retreat).

“WOW!” Is only one word I would use to describe this experience.  I’ll be up front and state this is my first (of hopefully many) retreats dealing with sexual purity but it was a great experience, to say the least.  There is something amazing about being around other men like me who struggle with sexual purity issues.  The openness and honesty during the retreat was a definite change from the “real world” where many men decide to wear “masks” to hide their secret life struggle with sexual purity.  This is especially present in today’s Christian churches across the world!

I had always recommended this retreat to men in my Castimonia recovery group and finally decided to attend the retreat.  I have only been in recovery a little over 3 years, and I felt I might gain something from attending this retreat.  Even just a little more knowledge about sexual addiction is worth it to me!  I not only gained a little more knowledge, but I gained a whole new breath of fresh recovery air.  The activities, discussions, sessions, and brotherhood at the retreat helped me tremendously!

This retreat was so powerful for me.  It solidified the fact that I am living and want to live a life full of recovery.  Recovery for me has been a lifestyle, and I felt very much at home at this retreat.  And for one of the very few times in my life, I felt “normal” while at this retreat.  To be honest, I only really feel “normal” with my family, at my church, and at recovery meetings such as Castimonia, Celebrate Recovery, or Sex Addicts Anonymous.

I can now state to my group and others that I highly recommend this retreat based on my own personal experience!  It is too bad that this is a “one-time” event held for men who struggle with sexual purity.  Although you may not realize it at first, by the end you will realize that this really was a once in a lifetime event, never to be repeated, tailored just for you by God.  This is truly an experience you do not want to miss out on!

Click here for the Castimonia events page listing general information on the retreat.

Click here for Hope & Freedom’s Journey of Hope Retreat #16 web page and sign-up page.

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Jesus Christ, Friend of Sex Addicts

Jesus Christ, Friend of Sex Addicts

What an appropriate title for a blog post on Christian sexual addiction recovery. Understand that what you are about to read cannot literally be found in any Gospel in the Bible, and it is only my version of a man’s life that Jesus Christ experienced. One of the greatest gifts I have received in my own recovery is the knowledge that my “Higher Power” was right there with me at the depth of my suffering. He was there to hold my hand in the darkest of times.

Jesus witnessed sexual abuse in one of his brothers from ages 3 to 7 and observed the suffering, shame and guilt associated with these activities.  His brother grew up to become a sex addict.  Jesus was there when this boy discovered his father’s pornography collection at age 4 and began viewing pornography almost daily as well as masturbating compulsively until he entered recovery. Again, he felt for the loneliness, shame, and guilt associated with this boy’s addiction. He saw the pain of this boy’s family life and the burden of his secret that kept this boy wanting to escape, and sexual acting out was an easy way for him to escape. However, the cycle was a “Catch 22.” The more pain and suffering this boy experienced because of his sexual acting out, the more this boy wanted to medicate with sexual acting out, and then would come the guilt, shame, pain and suffering from the acting out. It was a never ending cycle! However, Jesus was there with this boy the entire time.

When this boy turned age 17 he visited his first prostitute, Jesus was with him in the room, saddened by his choices. Once the young man crossed this “flesh line,” he was hooked. Pornography was not enough for him; he needed to feel the flesh of a woman. However, this too led to an amount of shame and guilt almost unbearable to any human! Jesus knew it was wrong, he wanted this young man to stop, and turn to Him for the fulfillment of this boy’s needs, but the young man simply could not.

In college, Jesus was with this young man through all the drinking binges, drug use, and sexual acting out he did in order to dull the pain he had and was experiencing. He was there to witness the cries of pain and suffering let out by this young man, who still inside was a much wounded child.  Still this young man could not see Him, Jesus, who was right there waiting.

After beginning his professional work, this man continued to view pornography on a daily basis and act out sexually with a variety of women. Each and every time, this man felt full of shame and guilt, and felt completely empty. Why couldn’t he stop? Was this the life God, the father, wanted for him? He tore through relationships with women like pieces of tissue paper. If there was not sexual fulfillment, the relationship was almost worthless. However, because of his fear of abandonment, he chose to stay in loveless, unhealthy, and sometimes violent relationships. The fear of abandonment was gut wrenching, it went down to his core. This fear began by being left alone at such an early age. However, Jesus was with this man in those most lonely of times.

The worst pain and suffering, however, was when this man hit rock bottom. Alone, or so he thought, he prayed to God, the father to spare him this pain and suffering. He begged for help, Jesus saw how this man had destroyed his life, how his life was falling apart. This man had proved his powerlessness by engaging in unsafe and compulsive sexual behavior, over and over, even after making deals with God, the Father, to stop! His life was completely unmanageable, doing things he did not want to do anymore, losing his family, and possibly his life. Suicide was a way out for this man, so he thought. He could not face the pain and suffering anymore, the thought of taking his own life was consuming. The pain and suffering was monumental at this point, he knew things had to change, he needed help, he had to try to fix his life and repair the collateral damage done, but sometimes death seems the easier way out. The choice was his to make… And Jesus was right next to him as he made the choice, hurting for this broken man.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) – The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And this is where things began to change for this man. He chose the path of recovery; he was given godly advice by a Christian therapist who told him he might have a sexual addiction. He sought help for his problem and slowly began repairing the damage he had caused to himself and to others. Sometimes we all have to hit that rock bottom in order to know that the Lord is close to us and that he can redeem our life from the pit!

The idea for this post was inspired by the Casting Crowns song, “Jesus, friend of sinners” and a good friend of mine who stated in his blog the following:

“He was a totally innocent person, and yet He was made to take all our sin, and consequent suffering as penalty, so that we would not have to….He suffered like no man has ever suffered or ever will suffer in this life. Perspective is important here; He experienced suffering for literally billions of people, we can only experience suffering for ourselves and empathetically, those we love. To compare our sufferings with the sufferings that Jesus experienced is an insult to God because it minimizes what happened that day.” Read the entire blog post here.

In my view, Jesus not only suffered the wrath of God for my sins, but he also suffered for the pain and suffering associated with my sin. He was right next to me experiencing what I experienced; suffering for me while I suffered, like a father would for his son. In my addiction, my life was empty, void, apart from God. I suffered from feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, depression, suicide, anger, hatred, violence, and everything associated with my addiction. Even in the depths of my addiction, Jesus Christ was with me, he never left my side. Jesus was with all addicts throughout their lives, something we need to be mindful of in our recovery. When Jesus was crucified, he was crucified for my sins and he suffered a great deal, more than I can ever imagine. All the pain and suffering from all of humanity, addict and non-addict, placed solely on Jesus Christ so that if we believe in Him, we can have eternal life with God.

2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV) – God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Take what you like, and leave the rest.

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Intimacy, what is it?

Intimacy, what is it?

It seems that the word is often misused in today’s society.  The word “intimacy” or “intimate” is used a lot to discuss sexual relations with one another.  The reason I state it is misused is because the physical part of intimacy (sex) is only one of three parts.  Below is the actual definition of the word:

in·ti·ma·cy /ˈɪntəməsi/ [in-tuh-muh-see] noun, plural in·ti·ma·cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

When I first entered recovery I really didn’t understand the meaning of the word or the different types of intimacy.  I always thought, as many still do, it meant “meaningful” sexual intercourse with another human being such as a spouse or committed partner.  Men would use the word “intimate” to signify they had sexual intercourse with their wives.  It wasn’t until our couple’s therapist pointed out a peculiar pronunciation of the word “Intimacy” that it began to click.

Although it isn’t actually pronounced as follows, he referred to intimacy as “In to Me See” which explained a lot.  That really is the definition of intimacy, to be close, familiar and loving in a personal relationship with another person or group.  To see into the other person, to get to know the other person on a deeper level, is what intimacy truly is.

Once I understood the word intimacy, I was able to break up the meaning into three categories:

  1. Spiritual
  2. Emotional
  3. Physical

Spiritual
Intimacy with God is paramount for us to be able to establish intimacy with others.  Spiritual intimacy between two humans can be a very powerful expression of connection and love.  When we are in deep prayer with our brothers in recovery or with our spouses, we open up a connecting bond that is truly incredible.  When we pray, our brains light up, our focus becomes much less about ourselves, and more about others and especially God.  Praying together, deeply, is one of the most powerful representations of intimacy that I believe can be achieved.  I believed God designed us to feel this intimacy with Him and with one another, when we pray!

Emotional
Emotional intimacy between two humans occurs when they share with one another their thoughts and feelings.  Sharing can be a very difficult thing for a lot of us in recovery.  Why? – Because we can’t trust anyone but ourselves!  We grew up with this mentality and trusting others with our thoughts and feelings would end badly for us.  After all, if someone knew who I really was, what I had done, what I think about, or how I am feeling, they wouldn’t like us, much less love us.  This is a common misbelief all addicts have.  This is why it is important to open ourselves up and share our thoughts and feelings in group meetings, with our accountability partners, with our sponsor, with our therapist, and even with our wives.  Sharing breaks down the walls of isolation and allows us to feel loved for who we really are not some façade we have created.

Physical
Finally, we arrive at physical intimacy; the intimacy that is most widely used.  However, physical intimacy does not always mean sexual intercourse.  Understand that intimacy is much deeper than just sex.  Heterosexual men can be physically intimate with one another without sexual intercourse.  There are many aspects of physical intimacy that should be analyzed.  However, for the sake of time and space on this blog, I will only briefly list and describe a few.  Holding hands is considered physical intimacy.  When we hold hands with another man either in meetings or in recovery exercises, we establish a small bond of physical intimacy.  Holding hands with our loved ones can be something very special; don’t ignore the opportunity to do so!  Hugging is also considered physical intimacy.  When we hug one another, we are exhibiting trust and building of intimacy either between two men or a man and his wife.  I would caution, though, that unmarried friends of the opposite sex not get into a habit of physical touch such as hugging or friendly kissing as we don’t want to end up where some of us started, in intimate relationships with a woman other than our wife!  Kissing is considered an act of physical intimacy, but we usually do this with our wives or a committed partner.  Kissing doesn’t have to be romantic or passionate to be intimate, a simple peck on the lips or cheek can be an act of physical intimacy.  And finally, non-compulsive sexual contact with our wife is the ultimate sign of pure, physical intimacy between a husband and wife.  When both partners are willing to know and trust one another so deeply that they become sexually intimate, it creates an amazing thing between the two and with God.  God smiles when we are sexually intimate with our wives!  In recovery, I have learned what great physical, sexual intimacy really is, it is a non-shameful sexual connection with my wife that nothing else in my addiction could ever come close to besting!

I hope you have noticed the order in which I wrote this discussion on intimacy.  I believe there is a reason for this order and that intimacy must begin with our spirits and God, then with other human beings on an emotional level, and finally, after both spiritual and emotional intimacy has been established, move on to the physical intimacy!  It is important to keep this in mind the next time we want to jump to the physical, sexual intimacy with our wives yet haven’t worked on the spiritual and emotional parts first!

All the above has been my own personal description of intimacy.  However, I believe one of the best descriptions of overall intimacy was presented to me during one of my Sex Addiction Specialist training sessions.  The quote below was adapted from Claudia Black.

“Intimacy is when I give the other the very weapons of my destruction (in my case the knowledge of and truth about me). Then, after taking the risk to share, the other uses the weapons of my destruction – not to destroy me, but to defend me.” 

I experienced this after doing my clinical disclosure to my wife and then my formal first step in recovery.  Both my wife and the men who heard my first step could have easily used the information I had given them to destroy my life, but instead they have chosen to use it to defend me!  My wife and the men in my recovery group know more about me than any other set of human beings alive, more than my own family of origin.  I challenge you to find that kind of love and support, to be truly intimate with each other as God intended.  Then to support and defend one another with the knowledge you have gained.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Do You Struggle with Sexual Purity?

One of the issues I come across in this ministry is speaking to men not in support, accountability, or recovery groups about sexual purity and the struggle.  Many men say to me that they don’t have a problem with sexual purity, that everything is “Ok” or that they don’t need a support group for their sexual purity issues.

So how does a man, not in a support group, recovery, or accountability group know whether they are sexually pure or have a struggle with maintaining sexual purity?  I’ve listed some activities that may seem normal (thanks to today’s mainstream society and the sexualization of America) to these men, but in reality are signs that sexual immorality is in your heart, mind, and soul.  We can all strive to be like Joseph when tempted by Potiphar’s wife (illustration to the right) but we need support and accountability along the way!

Here are some questions for you to ask yourself.  Or better yet, have someone you trust ask you these questions.  Be as honest as possible!

Do I look around at women in public places, taking second and third looks at an attractive woman?

Do I wish I could be with the attractive woman I just saw in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I imagine myself being with women I see in public, either in a relationship or sexually?

Do I think of or fantasize about an attractive woman I saw earlier, either when I am alone or with others?

Do I look at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

Do I make excuses to look at the SI swimsuit issue such as, I’m reading up on the latest sports or on my team?

Do I look through “fitness” magazines in order to look at the women in workout outfits?

Do I rationalize looking at “fitness” magazines saying I’m reading up on the latest workout/fitness trends?

Do I look through “Hot Rod” or other “Male Publications” and focus on the models in bikinis or suggestive outfits?

Do I look through women’s clothing catalogs?

Do I look through the Victoria’s Secret catalog?

Do I look through fashion magazines in order to look at the women who might wear seductive outfits or even appear nude?

Do I stare at billboards along the road as I drive and fantasize about the woman on the billboard?

Do I look over at other attractive female drivers and linger on them until I pass them by?

Do I purposely speed up or slow down in order to get alongside an attractive female driver on the road?

Do I purposely eat at restaurants where the waitresses wear skimpy outfits?

Do I visit websites that have photos of clothed models, either fully clothed or in swimsuits?

Do I visit message forums that post photos of models?

Do I visit social networking sites and look through the photos of attractive females on the sites?

Do I purposely walk by the lingerie or women’s underwear section of store without my wife present?

While in public, do I purposely change my course, or even set my course, because I see an attractive woman and want to walk by her?

The above questions are less-obvious examples of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.  If you answered “YES” to ANY of the above questions, you need to look into a support or accountability group.  The questions below are more telling of a problem with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I watch sexually suggestive television shows, including reality shows, sitcoms, cable and non-cable TV shows?

Do I watch sexually suggestive commercials on TV?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies such as American Pie type of movies?

Do I listen to sexually suggestive music or watch sexually suggestive music videos?

Do I watch sexually suggestive online videos or videos of girls in underwear or swimsuits?

Do I watch rated “R” movies that contain nudity alone or with my wife?  And if so, do I look at the nudity when it appears?

Do I watch sexually suggestive movies and the nudity while alone?

If you answered YES to the preceding questions, then I strongly recommend you get into a support group before you go too far.  The questions below are definite signs of a struggle with maintaining sexual purity.

Do I fantasize about or lust after other women while being physically sexual intimate with my wife?

Do I masturbate outside of physical sexual intimacy with my wife?

Do I engage in any sex outside of my marriage?

Do I look at “soft porn” magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain some sexual content or nudity?

Do I look at pornographic magazines, videos, or internet sites that contain full nudity or hardcore sexual material?

Do I surf the internet for pornography or try to circumvent any installed internet filters?

Do I surf the internet wanting to report sites not blocked by filters?

Do I visit sexually oriented business such as strip clubs, video stores, massage parlors?

Do I engage in sexually acting out with anonymous sex partners?

Do I engage in having a sexual or non-sexual affair?

Do I visit prostitutes, call girls, etc…?

Do I take extreme risks (being caught by police, public exposure, illegal activities) when acting out?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, you are in definite and immediate need of a sexual purity support and recovery group as well as counseling for your intimacy disorder which may an addiction.

Regardless at what level of sexual purity you might struggle, please be courageous enough to seek immediate help, either in a support, recovery, accountability group, or with a trained professional therapist!  Do it now, before it is too late!

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Castimonia Meeting Topic May – Working Step 5

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)

An old Scottish proverb states, “An open confession is good for the soul.”  This is also true in our recovery.  When we work a Step 4 inventory on ourselves, we then review it with God, ourselves, and another human being – usually our sponsor.  By actually speaking out loud “the exact nature of our wrongs” that we wrote down in Step 4, we allow the healing to begin.

In Castimonia (much like in SAA), this is not an open confession of our sexual “wrongs” when we were in our addiction; that was performed in Step 1, hopefully in front of the group.  The wrongs we reference in Step 5 can vary.  Our “wrongs” can include some or all of the following.

Our character defects: We openly discuss the character defects we listed in Step 4, giving a full explanation and examples of each one to God, to ourselves, and to our sponsor.  These defects were often hidden from us until we entered recovery and started working the steps.  Our Sponsor can help us identify character defects, during our many meetings, which may not be obvious to us on our own reflections of who we truly are.

Resentments: As mentioned in Step 4, we list out our resentments and follow through to column 4.  It is critical we confess these resentments (even about our own sponsor) and work through each and every one.  In working steps 4 and 5, we learn a new approach to deal with people that we probably did not use in the past.  We would allow our resentments to build up inside and then act out because of the feelings we were trying to suppress.  Keep in mind, that in cases resentments arising from of childhood sexual or emotional abuse, we are not in the wrong for the abuse, however, we are in the wrong for holding onto the resentment!

Sexual wrongs: Did we leave anything out of our Step 1 reading to the group?  Perhaps there were issues that were too sensitive to read to the entire group?  Perhaps we were not ready to face those issues at the time we wrote and gave our 1st step.  These issues can keep us “stuck” in our recovery unless we deal with them in an open and honest manner.  Issues I have heard discussed in Step 5 but left out of Step 1 have varied.  Some have stated their lust other men, lust for younger women, others were victims of incest or sexual abuse as children, and some were sexual with animals or inanimate objects.  Regardless of the activity, we openly confess to God and our sponsor what happened.  Again, in cases of childhood sexual or emotional abuse placed onto us by others, we are not wrong for those activities.  However, we must be able to openly discuss them with our sponsor and therapist in order to achieve some level of healing.

Finally, as James writes, we must pray for each other!  We must pray for one another after a Step 5, either together or in private.  I ask sponsors that have worked a step 5 with their sponsees to pray for them, so that they can be healed!

Once we have learned how to properly work a Step 4 & Step 5, we are ready to move forward to Step 6!