CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Colombian Prostitutes!

“The scandal was made public Saturday. As many as 11 agents and 10 military  servicemembers allegedly brought prostitutes back to their hotel in Cartagena,  Colombia, while doing advance work before the president’s arrival for a trade  summit.”

Seriously? Another scandal dealing with Sexual Purity issues and public employees?  Why does this not surprise me?  I didn’t even bother to watch or read a single news story on the subject of the Secret Service agents and Marines who used the services of 20+ Colombian prostitutes the week before the president made his trip to the South American country.  I understood what was going on, just from the headlines.  I actually had to search for the story in order to read more about it!

The sad reality is, in today’s mainstream society, it is almost acceptable for a man, especially overseas, to partake in this type sexual immorality.  The news stories keep referencing a “secret culture” in the Secret Service that seems to have been in place for a while.  However, as “mainstream” as it is for men to visit prostitutes or act out sexually in affairs, self gratification, or pornography, this should never be acceptable.  Accepting that a co-worker engage in such activity is just as bad as you supporting them in that activity!  The “secret culture” they speak of is a culture of immorality and looking the other way, accepting this type of behavior as normal behavior, both by the Secret Service and Military members.  I believe that the problem is that of “group think” where many men have done this for so long and passed it on to others, that when someone new asks the question “why?” the other men accuse him of not being a “team player” but in reality don’t even know where, when, or how this “secret culture” became acceptable, they just accept and partake!

Their actions will have major ramifications not only for themselves and their loved ones, but for the entire agency.  The head of the Secret Service agency is now under scrutiny.  Why didn’t he stop this “secret culture” when he took the job?  Perhaps he was part of that culture and either engaged in the immoral behavior or simply looked the other way.  From my knowledge of members of the Secret Service, this type of activity is nothing new.  Many participate and those that do not, simply look the other way!

At what point do your friends or co-workers confront you on your sexually immoral behaviors?  Is it after you’ve been caught or while you are acting out?  A man who struggles with sexual immorality as much as these guys do are perhaps in a deep denial that they have a problem.  Furthermore, their “friends” don’t do anything to help the man and just enable his actions, some by joining the “fun” and other by looking the other way.  In my case, I wish I “real” friends would have said something to me about my problem with sexual impurity before I went as far as I did.

Have you ever been in a position where you saw a coworker acting in an immoral manner and failed to say or do something about it?  Were you just a team player and even joined in on the fun?  How about at your church?  Do you know the men at your church intimately enough to know they might struggle with sexual purity?  Perhaps you have been in a support or recovery group long enough where you can take the initiative and be courageous enough to step forward and do what is right and help out a fellow man.  Sometimes, these men need to be brought into the light by brothers who struggle with the same issues.

Sexual impurity, however, is a very secretive issue.  So how can a man in recovery help bring out those that need help?  It’s easy (sort of).  You can help others simply by being open and honest with your own struggles, not caring what the other men or women think about you or your past activities.  You never know who might be listening, perhaps someone who is so far “down the scale” that they desperately need to hear about hope in getting out of the pit of sexual immorality.  Perhaps one of these Secret Service agents could have had the support to say “No” to sexual immorality had someone at their church given their testimony on how they were a slave to sexual immorality or addiction!

We don’t really know how God will use us or our testimony, just at the right time, for the right person, for the right reason, to advance His kingdom and help a lost man living in the dark, come to the light and enter a spiritual program of recovery.

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 4

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3, I went further “down the scale” of sexual purity and looked at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.  In Part 4, I address the topic question and also address the partners of men who struggle with sexual purity issues.

Question:  Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery, Is it for you?

Answer: ABSOLUTELY!

Regardless of what stage of sexual impurity you might be in as a man, entering a proper support program is essential!

FOR THE WIVES/PARTNERS:

Question: Does my husband/partner struggle with sexual purity issues?

Answer: As a man, there is a strong possibility he does.

Remember the therapist joke in Part 1?  “80% of men struggle with some sort of sexual purity issue and the 20% that say they do not, are lying.” There is a lot of truth to this “joke.”

In today’s sex-charged culture, more and more men are being tempted sexually.  Next time you are at the grocery store, look at the cover or inside the magazines marketed toward men.  Watch a sporting event on TV and you can see how advertisers “know” how to grab a man’s attention! How about the increase in “Sports Bars & Grills” where waitresses wear skimpy outfits?  Who do you think is their target market group? (And men, these types of restaurants are NOT ok.  If you visit one of these restaurants, it had better be your wife’s choice and you better be facing out the window!)    The objectification of women has been normalized in our culture!

Please understand, however, that the amount of sexual purity with which your husband will struggle will vary.  It may only be a struggle with lustful thoughts and fantasies, but it could also be a lot more.  The key is, to allow your husband to seek support for any sexual purity issues he may have in his life.  If he only struggles with “minor” lustful thoughts and actions, it is imperative that he begin receiving support before he moves on to another level of sexual purity struggle!  If he struggles with more, he will find the help and support he needs to become courageous enough to step out of the shadows and into the light.

Ladies, DO NOT shame your husband because he is seeking help with his sexual purity struggles!  It takes a lot more courage to open up and say, “I might have a problem” than to keep it a secret and act as if nothing is wrong.

Ladies, ask your husband if he struggles with any type of sexual purity.  His answer, at a minimum, better be “sometimes or once in a while” even if he does not look at pornography or has had sex outside the marriage!  If he responds, “NO or Not at all” then he is not being truly honest.  And yes, having lustful thoughts is considered a sexual purity struggle.

Ladies, be open and honest about sexuality with your husband.  Don’t shame him for wanting to be sexual with you (and husbands, don’t shame your wife because she doesn’t).  Open a dialog about both of your thoughts and feelings on sex within the marriage.  If there are extreme differences, then a third party (such as a pastor or counselor) should be brought in to mediate, ascertain, and give godly advice to both of you.

Ladies, if your husband plans to attend a Castimonia meeting, DO NOT assume he is visiting sexually oriented businesses, viewing pornography, masturbating, having an affair, or is a “Sex Addict.”  Understand that Castimonia meetings are for any man that struggles with any type of sexual purity!  You, the wife, should be encouraging your husband to attend.

At Castimonia meetings we learn tools that help us combat sexual purity issues.  We learn about what real intimacy is between a husband and wife – not just physical, but, more importantly, emotional and spiritual intimacy.   We learn to be open, honest, and intimate with other men and use these men to support us in our battle against sexual temptation and sexual impurity.  We learn to be a “team” of warriors and not isolate ourselves.  This is where the enemy wants us; alone!

So next time a Castimonia meeting is being held, wives, you need ask your husband, if they have not attended, why they are NOT going to the meeting.  Encourage them to reject passivity on the subject of sexual purity and seek to be the sexually pure men that God wants them to be.  Encourage them to lead courageously and be the spiritual leaders of your household as well as have the courage to speak to your children now or in the future about healthy sexuality.   And enourage them to learn how to be truly intimate and love you in ways that are healthy!

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Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 3

In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 1 I openly discussed the issue with excessive lustful thoughts and self-gratification (masturbation).  In Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you? 80/20 Principle – Part 2 I go one level deeper into the viewing of pornography and its effects on the brain and how an addiction can quickly form.  In Part 3, I go further “down the scale” of sexual purity and look at situations where a man has crossed the “flesh line” so to speak.

The “flesh line” is best defined as the line that is crossed where a person knowingly has “impure” sexual intercourse with another person.   By “impure” I refer to sexual intercourse with anonymous sex partners, affair partners, prostitutes, or other “high-risk” persons that fulfill the fantasy or high.  Once this occurs, pornography and masturbation by themselves may never be “enough” to achieve the same sexual high achieved once the line has been crossed.  The battle becomes a lot more difficult and the consequences a lot higher once this occurs.  Crossing the flesh line now gives the person a taste of how much better the sexual gratification could be with the intense adrenaline rush from doing something “wrong” and also from the Neurochemicals pumping through the brain.  The intensity can be as much if not more than while viewing pornography.  Now the person can try to reenact the pornography they viewed with another person.  Sometimes with the other person’s consent, sometimes without.  A lot of times, they dehumanize the person and treat them like an object only for use for their sexual satisfaction, desperately trying to get the same level of high they had in previous acting out experiences.

The diagram to the left shows a progression of the disease beginning with the roots of unmet emotional needs (click on the diagram for a full-sized image).  Background information on this diagram and the progression will be discussed in another post.  However, this diagram clearly defines where the “flesh-line” (or Flesh Barrier as it is showing the diagram) lies and the resulting behaviors and consequences.  There are those of us in Castimonia who have passed the flesh line and have faced severe consequences such as diseases, loss of our jobs, loss of our marriage, violence toward us, prison, and even death!  What a man who struggles with sexual purity must understand is that if they do not take hold of the problem early on, they will end up suffering these consequences.  No matter how deceptive the man might be in fooling their loved ones, employers, etc… they are only fooling themselves.  One day, the truth will come out, and even though the damage has already been done with the sexual acting out, the consequences will come forward and might be more severe than when they were just struggling with lustful thoughts, masturbation, or viewing pornography.

My hope for every man who reads this blog is that it opens their eyes to a problem they might be denying.  That it helps them understand the problem and helps them understand that there are others who struggle with this issue and if not confronted, will escalate to the point where the consequences are severe!

In Part 4, I will answer the initial question asked in the topic title, “Men’s Sexual Purity Recovery, Is it for you?”

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This question has been asked by many men who come to my group.  To be honest, I can’t read their minds, nor do I know their backgrounds or sexual history until they give their First Step.  There are also men who come to my group that are not sex addicts but only struggle with sexual purity issues.  How does a man who attends Castimonia determine if they might be a sex addict?

Below is a link to the Sex Addiction Screening Test used by many therapist in the field of Sex Addiction.  It is hosted on sexhelp.com and is an initial test that may answer the question, “Am I a Sex Addict?”

The SAST is an initial assessment test for people with potentially addictive behaviors. It provides a profile of responses that help distinguish between addictive and non-addictive behaviors. It was developed in cooperation with hospitals, treatment programs, private therapists and community groups.

Take a few moments to complete this cost-free, no-obligation questionnaire.

Please be an open and honest as possible when taking this test.  The more open and honest you are about your sexual behaviors, the more accurate the results will be.

Sex Addiction Screening Test

For other information on finding a therapist or general information, please visit:

http://www.sexhelp.com

If you scored in the “Addict” level on this test, I would recommend seeing a professional sex addiction specialist therapist.

https://castimonia.org/2012/04/16/am-i-a-sex-addict/

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Fighting For Marriage

Some hope for those of us in recovery!
Fighting For Marriage.

Posted on February 13, 2012

In this inspiring four-minute video by Elevation Church, pureHOPE Charlotte Advisory Board members Chris and Sandra Pollard share their journey from bondage, betrayal, and distrust to hope, healing, and intimacy. Their story highlights the abundance of grace and mercy that God readily pours out upon couples who, like the Pollards, choose prayer, repentance, forgiveness, and resolve to fight for their marriage instead of just fighting in their marriage.

“It took getting me into all those closets, and into all those things that I had hidden, and just exposing them to the light of the Lord.” Chris Pollard