CASTIMONIA

Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group

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Love Only Exists Where There is Freedom

Galatians 5:1 – “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

“His irresponsibility is making my life miserable,” Jen began. She then went on to tell me a terrible story of how her husband had successfully avoided adulthood for many years at her expense. She had suffered greatly at the hands of his behavior, both financially and sexually.

As I listened, though, I could see that her deep sense of hopelessness kept her in prison. I could see countless ways she could be free from her husband’s patterns of behavior. She could make numerous choices to help both herself and the relationship. But the sad thing was that she could not see the same choices that were so clear to me.

“Why don’t you stop paying for his mistakes and bailing him out? Why do you keep rescuing him from the messes he gets himself into?” I asked.

“What are you talking about?” Jen asked, alternating between muffled sobs and a scornful expression. “There’s nothing I can do. This is the way he is, and I just have to live with it.”

I could not tell if she was sad about what she perceived as a hopeless case or angry with me for suggesting she had choices. As we talked further, I discovered an underlying problem that kept Jen from making such choices.

She did not experience herself as a free agent. It never occurred to her that she had the freedom to respond, to make choices, to limit the ways his behavior affected her. She felt that she was a victim of whatever he did or did not do.

God designed the entire creation for freedom. We were not meant to be enslaved by each other; we were meant to love each other freely. God designed us to have freedom of choice as we responded to life, to other people, to God, and to ourselves. But when we turned from God, we lost our freedom. We became enslaved to sin, to self-centeredness, to other people, to guilt, and to a whole host of other dynamics. She did not experience herself as a free agent. It never occurred to her that she had the freedom to respond, to make choices, to limit the ways his behavior affected her.

Boundaries help us to realize our freedom once again. Listen to the way that Paul tells the Galatians to set boundaries against any type of control and become free: “It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1). Jen felt herself enslaved by her husband’s patterns of behavior and did not see the choices available to her. But God tells us to not be subject to any kind of enslaving control at all.

For love to work, each spouse has to realize his or her freedom. And boundaries help define the freedom we have and the freedom we do not have. Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.

Today’s content is drawn from Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Copyright 2002 by Zondervan; all rights reserved. Visit BoundariesBooks.com for more information.

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The Art of Consideration

Many parents, especially in their later years, are alone as their children refuse to come near them as a result of being treated disrespectfully during their formative years. Many of such parents wish for their children; however, it was they who initiated the ill treatment which resulted in their children becoming totally alienated from them. Their children have emotionally, mentally, and psychologically severed ties with them forever. Some such parents become totally depressed and dejected that their children do not love or want to be near/with them; however, they sowed the seeds of such. There is a saying that children respond to parents and the outer environment the way they were treated in the parental home. Many parents refuse to admit that they can treated their children less than humanely yet they expect their children to afford them the utmost of love and respect. They are incognizant of the fact that in order for their children to love and respect them, they first have to love and treat their children with respect. Children tend to love and respect parents who treat them thus. Parents who love and respect their children treat their children as individuals with their own feelings and desires. They do not try to overrule nor to override their children’s feelings, desires, and/or opinions because they are children. They contend that although children are full entities, they are still developing human beings. These parents contend that developing human beings are bound to make some mistakes along the way, after all they are children and that is par for the course. They see such mistakes as natural and not a cause of alarm. Respectful and loving parents do not believe in discounting their children for whatever reason. They strongly maintain that whatever their children have to say or do, no matter how minor, is significant enough for them to pay attention to. They believe that their children are important enough for them to give the latter their time. They practice and teach the art of consideration to their children. When they enforce rules, they take into account their children’s respective emotional, mental, and/or psychological make up and act accordingly. From an article by G. M. Williams
http://gmwilliams.hubpages.com/hub/Children-React-to-Their-Parents-The-Very-Way-THEY-are-Treated

Fathers,
do not provoke your children,
lest they become discouraged.
Colossians 3:21

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False Sense of Control

Obsessiveness is common in many ways – not being able to sleep at night because of hurting someone you love, for example, or developing a childhood fascination with dinosaurs that never leaves and you eventually become a paleontologist. Then there is an addiction to obsessiveness which stifles creativity. Obsessiveness is not only boring, it also lacks any faith in process. Process is always out of your control. You must be open to finding out what will happen instead of seeking a false sense of control. An example of this false sense of control would be to think: If I always know where you are, you can’t have an affair. Part of the control of obsessiveness is to nurse hurt feelings, exaggerate disappointment, and constantly blame the other for not coming to the rescue. Obsessiveness is very interesting because there are two sides to it: the positive side is creative passion that helps you know what really matters; the negative side is an addiction which makes you unable to prioritize anything. As a result, things have the same weight. Is s/he having an affair? Just how clean can my house be to prove I know what’s what? Are all those towels really folded correctly? Obsessiveness is a focus on what is NOT. Truly focus on the here and now in the moment and the obsession will change itself. Obsession is a substitute for action. Both polarities of obsessiveness are available. What is more mentally healthy, especially as we age, is sorting out what is important and what to let go of. Ultimately letting go is the final lesson of death. One of the many wonderful aspects about raising children is that elegant dance of knowing what’s important combined with the letting go work of adolescence and not knowing. The not knowing leaves room for respecting their choices as different from your own ideas of who they should be. Too many parents stifle and interrupt children’s abilities to make their own mistakes and their own choices. From “Anxiety, Control & Codependency” by Rhoda Mills Sommer, L.C.S.W.
http://therapyideas.net/anxiety.htm

“Love without sacrifice is like theft.” – Nassim Nicholas Taleb

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A Declaration of Independence

A Declaration of Independence
Originally posted on July 4, 2012

Today, we celebrate Independence Day in the United States of America.  I am grateful for the freedoms we have been given in this country.  Some of the freedoms I had, however, were very harmful to me.  These freedoms included the freedom to view and use pornography, the freedom to pursue happiness in legal forms of sexual acting out, and the freedom to worship my own god; sex addiction.  I have also been given new freedoms, the freedom choose a recovery program that satisfies my needs, the freedom to say “no” to sexual acting out, and the freedom to call Jesus Christ my higher power, and worship Him fully without fear of persecution or harm against me or my family.

Independence means a lot of things to different people.  The definition is written below:

in·de·pend·ence /ˌɪndɪˈpɛndəns/ [in-di-pen-duhns] noun 1. Also, independency. the state or quality of being independent. 2. freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

In my case, it is freedom from the control of my sexual addiction and the behaviors associated with that addiction.  Every July 4th, I not only celebrate the independence of these United States of America, but I also make the following declaration written below, as edited from the original Declaration of Independence.

I, Jorge S., a recovering sex addict, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intention, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Jesus Christ and my healthy being, solemnly publish and declare, That I am, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of sexual compulsive behaviors, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to demoralizing and incomprehensible compulsive sexual behaviors, and that all connection between me and my addiction, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent man, I have full Power to levy War against my addiction, conclude Peace of mind, contract Alliances in my recovery, establish psychological therapy as needed to do all other Acts and Things which a healthy, sexually pure man may of right do.  — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Jesus Christ, I mutually pledge to my Life, my Fortunes, and my sacred Honor.

My declaration is short and to the point, definitely not as elegant as the one written by our Country’s founders.  Also, I wish it was as simple as making the declaration!  The United States had to fight a war, and subsequent wars against the British to gain their independence.  Furthermore, the United States had to continue to battle against other foreign nations in order to gain full independence.  And later, it had to fight a Civil War (a war against oneself) in order to maintain its independence!  Even today, the United States continues to fight to maintain its independence, this fight may be against terrorists, against energy monopolies, against corruption, etc…  The point is, the United States of American has continued to fight to maintain its independence and must continue to fight.

In this same way, I need to continue to fight against my sexual addiction.  I can’t let my guard down.  If I do, then I will have allowed my addiction a foothold into my life and that makes the fall easier!  I must be always vigilant in my struggle to maintain sexual purity.  Sexual Purity is not a right, it is a privilege given to me, by God, on a daily basis, and I must always be grateful for that privilege and do whatever I can to maintain it.  I have not been and am not perfect, however, I will continue to strive for progress, not perfection in my recovery.

So I not only declare indepenendce from my sexual addiction but also that I will do whatever it takes to maintain my sobriety. One moment at a time, one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time!

Take what you like and leave the rest.

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Father’s Day

Originally posted on June 17, 2012

In celebration of Father’s Day, I would like to tell you a short story about my father’s day 2008.  It was the first time I attended my current Church, The Fellowship at Cinco Ranch.  My wife and I dropped off our 10 month old baby girl in the nursery for the first time.  I was nervous and throughout the entire service, I was worried they would call one of our cell phones to tell us that she needed to be picked up from childcare!  To be honest, I don’t remember the content of the service (apologies to our family pastor who typically preaches on Mother’s and Father’s Day – Robert Jackman), I wish now I had.

When we went to pick up our daughter, I was overjoyed at how happy she was when we picked her up.  And then my “heart strings” were tugged!  The attendants in the nursery handed me a father’s day gift.  I looked at it and read it, and was so grateful for this gift that I made a decision that this was going to be the church for my family.  The nursery attendants took the time to place my daughter’s hand in paint and place her tiny hand print on a poem and frame the paper they used (see the photo to the side).  WOW!  My wife and I now work in the nursery with the infants and sometimes we can get overwhelmed with children, but the fact that these selfless people took time out of their stressed-out baby duty to do this for all the fathers was fantastic!

At the time, I did not realize that us visiting that father’s day and the poem were a “God Thing.”  As I look back at the last 4 years, I can obviously see that it definitely was.  It was less than a year later that I entered recovery for my sexual addiction and it was this church (more importantly the body of Christ – the members) that supported me in my recovery.  To be honest, up until I entered recovery, I was not involved in the church. I was one of those husbands, fathers, men that would come sit on Sunday mornings and let it go in one ear and out the other.  My biggest question after church was “what’s for lunch?”  I just was not invested in the church.

And then my life fell apart, and who was there to help me put things back together?  The body of Christ!  I began getting involved in church activities such as a couple of men’s Bible studies including one on Joseph, a Man of Integrity and Forgiveness (Swindoll).  It was during the study of Joseph where I confessed to having a sexual addiction.  I believe most of the men in the room were shocked and silent.  During the study on lesson 2, resisting temptation, I admitted my past sexual sin.  The funny thing is, after the study a couple of guys came up to me and also told me they struggled with about the same issues as I did.

From there, I took a Men’s Fraternity course, the Quest for Authentic Manhood that addressed a lot of my wounds growing up as well as showing me how the Bible defines manhood.  I continued on to various Christian studies and then in June 2010 I started the Castimonia Men’s Sexual Purity Support & Recovery Group, meeting for the first time on Saturday, June 12, 2010.

Had it not been for the experience at the nursery on father’s day of 2008, I don’t think I would be where I am today.  I pray all fathers in recovery have had similar experiences and that they can reflect on how God used the love of their children to draw them closer to Him.  And for fathers that are still living in sexual sin and need a reason to get out, I would like for you to look into the eyes of your children and understand that if you remain in that secret sexual sin, then there is a high probability your children too will inherit that sin or marry someone who has their own sexual sin.  Had I stayed in my addiction and kept it secret, I am certain that my daughters would have grown up to marry someone who carried the same character defects and same sexual secrets as I did.  Furthermore, if I had sons, it would be much worse for them as they would end up with some sort of intimacy disorder, such as sex addiction, if I had kept up my isolation and secrets.  So please seek help and step into the light, the path of recovery is not easy, but it is so much better than a life of sexual impurity.  It is a much better life for you, your wife, and especially your children!

Happy Father’s Day!

Take what you like and leave the rest.